Wise Management thrilled with carrot-munching acquisition

Since the tragic loss of Kevvy Keegan, Newcastle United have been staggering blindly on, apparently rudderless and with no redemptive strategy. Faced with a barrage of rumours and almost certain relegation, one reporter hit the mean streets of Tyneside to find out how this team will carry on the great crusade.

It was a struggle, but he managed to find one of the legendarily elusive Magpies, most of whom have gone ito hiding pre-derby with the Black Cats. He found the Magpie outside his house and tried to get to the bottom of their new boycout. Having confronted the wavering fan with the choice: "You tell me about your new manager Kinnear, or I'll dish the dirt on you just coming out of the Lips Bar with your flies undone," the journo knew that he would land the story.

Still shaking, the fan regained some composure while simulaneously trying to remove the lipstick from his shirt and finely balance a doner kebab, a newk brown and a steak pie. "Er, one's for the missus," he half-heartedly tried to explain.

"It's like this," he finally commented between mouthfuls of juicy steak chunks and kebab meat. "Kev was a great lad, and we were scheduled for great things even though Wise wouldn't allow him spend on the team. Sure, we sold our only one good player but with Kev's vision of having everyone run forward at the same time we were obviously going to win the league at some point. It's like rock, scissor, stone, if you always go with rock you are going to win something... hopefully."

Urged on the fan continued: "So the only way we can keep the same momentum going with our new nightwatchman Kinnear is to employ someone who would lead us blindly on, hence the Goat. The plan is that we will stick a fresh carrot every day in front of it and then chase the beggar! We won't have Kev there, but the lads are familiar with this kind of training regime and Kinnear;s Garryowen. The only possible pitfall is if the Goat gets the carrot, but I'm sure Ashley has a budget for more carrots."

The enthralled hack then asked how the rest of this season and next year will go. "How can something so visionary fail?," gushed our now-animated commentator while swigging on a can of Newk. "I bet we will take Europe by storm next year and then onto South America. That's our plan, always go forward, thanks to Kev."
Sadly, the reporter at this point had to let the fan go to stagger though his front door while shouting: "I've got you a pie love!" For her part, his with wife hissed: "Kinnear off. I'm asleep and you've got lipstick on your shirt — again.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtFW...