“403 to win,” quipped one wag on the boundary at Mannofield. Which – if this had been day one of a Test – might have been a decent target.

For Ireland, the fact it was merely 50 overs a side was an absolute nightmare. New Zealand’s batsmen put on a masterclass on the first game of the Lloyds TSB Tri-Series against an attack which had all the impact of a gnat’s nibble on the posterior of a desensitised elephant, Brendon McCullum and James Marshall doing exactly what good batsmen should do in such situations – namely take full advantage – to catalyse the heaviest ever defeat in an official One Day International.

McCullum’s form on the Black Caps’ tour of England tailed off but here, he wagged vigorously, two early sixes setting the tone for what was to follow. His half-century came off just 31 balls, one that almost decapitated an inattentive spectator as it plummeted back to earth into the thick hedge that closets one end of this expansive ground.

He made it look all too easy, terrorising the Irish seamers, Phil Eagleston going for successive sixes over long-leg and mid-wicket. The spinners made no greater headway, the unfortunate Kyle McCallan suffering an identical fate as McCullum rattled through the 107 balls required a make his century.

With James Marshall acting as an able foil, it wasn’t merely a question of how many the tourists would score. More what records could they set along the way.

The highest ever ODI partnership of 331, set by Sachin Tendulkar and Rahul Dravid against the New Zealanders, loomed large. A decent catch by the returning Ryan Haire ended that ambition, and McCullum’s spree, on 166 but the slaughter of the innocents continued.

Marshall, with something to prove after being dropped following the Kiwi’s poor showing at Chester-le-Street, maintained the push but he and Ross Taylor, who would add 59, had plenty of assistance. Ireland’s bowling was timid, lacked variety and, at times, was downright lethargic.

And their fielding wasn’t much better.

Peter Connell beat the batsman a few times at the outset but on a pitch made for seam, his 0 for 95 reflected the gloom. When Marshall – whose century came off 120, and his next 50 from just 14 - eventually edged into the grateful gloves of Gary Wilson, the benchmark for runs conceded by an Irish team in an ODI had long been surpassed.

With Taylor claiming an unbeaten 59, the Kiwis nudged past the mark of 397 set against Zimbabwe two years ago.

You had to feel some sympathy for Ireland. They arrived in Aberdeen with just three survivors from their World Cup line-up, and losing Alex Cusack on the eve of the game to injury was a bitter blow for coach Phil Simmons, having already ceded his three most accomplished batsmen to county duties.

This was an Irish A team in all but name, which simply doesn’t cut it against a virtually full-strength Black Cap roster. It was not, in any way, a good advert for cricket outside the Test nations.

That said, their batsmen started the reply adequately enough. “Just like that, eight an over,” remarked our wag after the opening six deliveries from Tim Southee. “We’re ahead on Duckworth-Lewis,” noted Cricket Ireland’s ever-optimistic PR man, Barry Chambers.

It could never last, with New Zealand bringing a swift conclusion to the penultimate match of their British summer. 53-6 after an unlucky 13 overs, it was a mercy killing when Ireland were dismissed for 112.

Daniel Vettori and his men have a day off to sample the charms of Aberdeen. The Irish go straight back into battle on Wednesday against Scotland, who already fancy their chances of inflicting additional humiliation.

The Saltires will want a good lead from Ryan Watson and Gavin Hamilton at the outset – and the weather forecast to be brighter than anticipated.

Ireland, on the other hand, just want no more of the same.

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