This Euro 2008 malarkey is proving to be a real test of endurance.

If you thought Romania-France was hard-going, try attempting to wrestle the remote control off your three-year-old when you get in from work, desperate to catch the last 10 minutes of the afternoon match.

It worked for 30 seconds of Portugal v the Czech Republic, thanks to a crafty game of I-spy colours. But once red (Czechs), white (Portugal), yellow (goalkeepers) and black (ref) had been exhausted, the floodgates quickly opened and normal service (in the shape of Dora the Explorer) was resumed.

Wednesday evening was not much better. Upon returning from a half-time trip to the toilet during Switzerland-Turkey,
I discovered the other half had settled in for the night to watch the final of The Apprentice, followed by Apprentice Extra, Apprentice Uncut and Apprentice's Little Brother.

Now I know what it feels like to be a football widow - so much for being the man of the house. You can bet Sir Alan's latest employee wouldn't put up with it - mental cruelty, that's what I'm talking about.

While Big Lee was winning The Apprentice, Big Phil was named Chelsea boss, Big Al was turning down Blackburn and Big Sam became the new favourite for the Ewood Park hot-seat. All we need is Big Ron to resurface at Leicester and we'll have the full set.

Scolari's first appointment with Her Majesty's press in Blighty should be worth its weight in gold.

His last encounter with the tabloids came as he was grilled about the England job before the last World Cup, when he told them: "It's time to stop that clown show." Bring on round two.

In the meantime, his current charges have breezed into the last eight - and with Ronaldo effortlessly moving through the gears, you'd give them more than a wink and a prayer of going all the way.

The twinkle-toed Portuguese has seemingly let his domestic transfer saga wash over him, while Messrs Ferguson and Calderon wash their dirty linen in public.

As the toys continue to fly out of the pram, the Real Madrid President branded Sir Alex 'grotesque' in the latest attack, for bringing Franco into the dispute.

Anyone else getting sick of these two old stagers trading petty insults? Why can’t they take a leaf out of Big Phil's book - "If someone talks about my private life, I'll give them a good punching."

So come on fellas, how about it? A Gladiators-style duel with those giant cotton buds should do the trick, or a remake of Frankie Goes To Hollywood's Two Tribes video - last man standing gets to keep Ronaldo.

Meanwhile, it's good to see Sir Alex's other young prodigy keeping his head down during England's absence from the Euros.

Instead of licking his wounds at home, Wayne Rooney has been cavorting all round the Med - starting with his stag pals in Ibiza before tying the knot with Colleen
in Italy...in the pouring rain...as the sun shone brightly in Manchester. Think that's called karma, Wazza.

Peter Crouch has also been spotted lolling around on a beach with his girlfriend and while we can forgive newly-crowned chief Rio Ferdinand's trip to Nigeria to help the kids, what is John Terry doing being photographed with Mickey Mouse? Even if his Champions League penalty was pure Disney.

In other news, Swiss prisoners are being allowed to watch their team on the box in reward for good behaviour (I predict a riot), while a Dutch computer firm promised to give £100 off a £400 machine for every goal the team scored against the notoriously watertight defence of Italy (whoops).

Meanwhile, the Vienna brewery who promised a lifetime's supply of beer to any Austrian player that managed to score in Euro 2008 will be having mixed feelings following the 1-1 draw with Poland.

After 181 minutes of football, it looked like their ale was safe until Howard Webb awarded THAT penalty for Ivica Vastic to tuck away. Still, if they could have picked anyone it would have been the 38-year-old, who probably can't put away as much as he used to.

And finally, word reaches me from my own club QPR that any fan signing up for their text message scheme will receive a free signed photo of manager Iain Dowie.

And those who decline the offer will get....two signed photos.

OTHER STUFF
Onion Bag's saucy way to pick a Euro winner www.the-onion-bag.com/euro20...
Bircham Derren Brown pens www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0jX...
Croatia Euro song, featuring Slaven Bilic on guitar:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjrM...

And in case you missed these gems last week...

Shaggy Euro song feat Shaggy and Trix and Flix - who dares admit it's quite catchy?
www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_3z...
Enrique Iglesias - official Euro (trash) song: www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ifuf...
German Euro anthem, complete with 'Isle of Man' chorus
www.youtube.com/watch?v=IT51...

(Courtesy of Whoateallthepies www.whoateallthepies.tv)