Alan Curbishley made a rod for his own back before the Man Utd game last week – and the way his team played, the Hammers in question must have been made by the Early Learning Centre – but he's right.

Chelsea winning the title would be a travesty for all of us who think football is entertainment.

Getting rid of Milk Tray man Mourinho was supposed to herald a new chapter of free-flowing champagne football at the Bridge. Champagne footie? More like flat cava.

It strikes me that Chelsea's greatest quality is their stubbornness (which is appropriate given Eeyore is the manager).

Chelsea keep winning when they're not playing at their best' - but I'm not sure that the Blue Meanies at their best isn't grinding out the wins with their vorksprung durch technik midfield and Didier 'Drops Like a Dead Man' Drogba up front.

Fact is, Joe Cole apart, they're not a team that gets you out of your seat, unless it's to throw cold Bovril at JT 'cos he's sharing the stench of last night's biriani with the ref, who had the audacity to penalize one of his nudges.

I'm reminded of the epic Arsenal victory at Anfield in 1989. Yes, that was a thrilling, unforgettable night, but what you forget is that a team coached by George Graham, a team that showed all the flair and invention of Status Quo, a team that redefined the term 'dour', nicked the title from a side that had been utterly brilliant all season long.

It was theft – the title that, metaphorically, got slid under the table to Highbury in a brown envelope.

Of course the difference between George Graham's misers and Chelsea is that the current dullards have been assembled using the combined budgets of the Benelux countries.

All that gassy, oily lucre and what they put together is so... so... sensible. It's depressing, really. It's like winning a Euromillions quadruple roll-over and spending it on a three-bed semi, a Volvo estate and a nice family holiday in Torremelinos.

Even Abramovich would admit that Roman roubles ought to buy you more than just relentless odd-goal victories most weeks. I mean Bill Gates is more flamboyant.

Let's hope that showbiz returns to the Bridge next season – a Ronaldinho or a Kaka might just stir things up a bit – but I'm pretty sure they'll win the Champs League final, somehow. 1-0. Of course.

In the meantime, speculation about Man U's 11th-hour demise is pointless. I have already worked out what will happen on Sunday –and it's a nail-biter:

ROBBO'S CLOCKWATCH

14.59: Reading take the lead at Pride Park. A new low for Derby – a minute before kick-off and they're already a goal down.

15.04: Chelsea one-up with a beautiful flowing move finished off by a trademark Lamps triple-deflection.

15.08: Hold the front page! Emile Heskey scores and Wigan are one-up. Fergie is cross. Brucie is bleeding furious!

15.13: Gareth Barry scores for Villa. Randy Lerner's head goes 'kerchingg!' and he gives Tom Hicks a bell.

15.17: 2-0 to Chelsea! A penalty after Drogba is brought down in the area by, well, no-one- unless it was the ghost of Chopper Harris.

15.20: Penalty to Man U as Ronaldo goes down under pressure from a challenge by the southerly breeze.

15.24: Ronaldo converts the pen after pausing for four minutes in the middle of his run-up. 1-1.

15.32: Reading score again.

15.33: Reading score again.

15.34: Reading score again. Kitson hat-trick in 90 seconds. So untaxing, it's been gift-aided.

15.40: Chelsea go three up with a glorious strike by Ashley Cole.

15.41: Diouf is off at the Bridge. Red card for, well, being downright irritating. Correct decision.

15.46: Fulham score at Pompey. Bullard free-kick.
Half-time - and if it stays like this, Brum and Reading are down and Chelsea are champs.

16.02: Michael Owen scores at Goodison. (Calm down, he missed three sitters in the first half, obviously).

16.07: Reading get a fifth! Leroy Lita taps in a Robbie Savage pass-back.

16.10: Chelsea get four! Shevchenko scores. (At the same time, Scarlett Johannsen announces her engagement to Ricky from Eastenders and Katie Jordan strings together a sentence.) Bolton under real pressure now. Megson sends on three big lads and tells them: "When you get it – hoof it!"

16.24: Sven-Goran Eriksson is held captive in the away end at the Boro. Unfortunately there are so few fans at the Riverside he's easy to spot and the police step in. Liam Gallagher is arrested.

16.35: Didier Drogba falls to the ground in agony. The entirety of west London's ambulance crews are summoned. Will he make it to Moscow?

16.37: Drogba scores! How did he get over that cardiac arrest so quickly?

16.40: Everton equalise. Yakubu fluffs a gilt-edged chance but the ball rebounds off the corner-flag and this time the Nigerian makes no mistake.

16.45: Things are getting desperate for United, so Brucie takes off his centre-halves and plays 2-2-6.

16.48: Reading go six-up. Amazing!

16.49: Birmingham score but it's too late to save themselves. Everton scrape 5th, Chelsea win 5-0. Fulham hold on, and, with Reading, they are safe. Bolton are down and football fans everywhere are quietly happy.

17.07: Man U's search for a winner continues into the 17th minute of stoppage time. The ref has his whistle to his mouth...it’s a corner to Man U...in it goes, the big centre-half rises and....IT'S IN!!! Amazing!!!! BUT WHAT WAS BRUCIE DOING UP THERE IN THE BOX IN THE FIRST PLACE, EH???