It's the March to Moscow, the Prem in the Krem, Rouble Trouble, to Russia with Peter Ndlovu (OK, so I made the last two up).

It seems every last speck of hyperbole and over-exaggeration has been dumped on Chelsea and Manchester United's impending battle to be the best football club in Europe when they meet in Moscow on 21 May.

Although the Premier League will be settled 10 days before on the last day of the domestic season, the prospect of the first all-English European final has whipped the tabloid press into a frenzy so delirious it makes their coverage of Amy Winehouse's nocturnal antics look like page nine of the Budleigh Salterton parish news.

And then there's the cost of getting to Moscow. To paraphrase a line from Steve Martin's very apt 80s flick Planes, Trains and Automobiles: "We'd have more luck playing pickup sticks with our buttcheeks than we will getting a flight to Moscow for under £500."

So after shelling out the GDP of Guam on final and airline tickets and accommodation, fans will then be rewarded for their 1,500-mile traipse across Europe to the city which boasts more billionaires than any other in the world, where, according to one ex-pat "it is so expensive I have taken to eating my toenails for breakfast as I cannot afford a croissant."

Not that the price would bother Ronaldo's girlfriend Nereida Gallardo, who set new standards in the Waggery stakes with a pair of diamond-encrusted "R7" earrings. If that doesn't make you want to reach for the sickbag, nothing will.

Chelsea fans will no doubt be hoping for the odd crumb of financial comfort from Roman Abramovich's extra large plate, although Britain's second richest man has been conspicuously absent during the Blues' last few games, so much so the Sun has issued a missing poster and a hotline about his whereabouts.

Wherever Roman is hiding, AC Milan striker Ronaldo probably wishes he was there too after he was caught up in a scandal involving three cross-dressing prostitutes in his home city of Rio de Janeiro.

"He said he just wanted to amuse himself," said Rio police superintendent Carlos Augusto Nogueira. Couldn't he sit down and watch the entire fourth series of Peep Show on DVD instead?

Meanwhile, car dealers across Essex were rejoicing like southern Baptist preachers after Ronnie O'Sullivan's declaration that he would spend his £157,000 reward for potting his third maximum 147 break at the Crucible on a Bentley Convertible, a car so expensive it's upholstered in £20 notes.

However, the Essex Rocket will have to take his aspirations down a notch or two after Ali Carter rustled up the second maximum of the tournament - and promptly proclaimed his share of O'Sullivan's loot would be spent on a Ford Focus Convertible, a car once described by one motor hack as the Ugly Betty of the convertible world.

While Carter and O'Sullivan flick through the prestige section of Auto Trader, Zara Phillips has been showing Claire Balding the seriously impressive new set of wheels she'll be driving to the Badminton Horse Trials.

Not only does our favourite medal-winning royal travel around in a palatial £250,000 horsebox, she's got a HGV licence to drive the bleeding thing. Can't imagine Kate Middleton doing something similar - the clutch pedal would be murder on the Jimmy Choos.

- Marvel at the German office chair racing championships:
uk.reuters.com/news/video?vi...

- It may be old, but would-be London mayor Boris Johnson's antics on the football pitch are worth another look:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EN7...