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Absolutely Drabio

by Robbo Robson (U5722413) 07 February 2008

It was a very strange night, but an interesting one nonetheless.

First things first, it was nice not to have a pre-match interview with McClaren. You know, the one that left you feeling a bit like you’d eaten too many Quality Street.

This bloke Capello doesn't do grins. You're more likely to get a smile out of an undertaker’s cat.

Secondly, everyone at the Blue Bell looked at the team-sheet and said 'Brown! Upson! JENAS!!!!' and then just shrugged. 'Cos we realised the new man had been doing his homework – and that the team on the pitch were the ones who had played the best when he was there.

Actually I was beginning to think the only reason JJ was ever in a squad was because he was always willing to caddie of a Thursday.

However, the first half was rank. There are excuses but still it 'beggars beyond belief’ (as one 606 ranter put it the other day) that these blokes behave for 40 minutes with all the familiarity of a bunch of London commuters.

(If you do visit the capital, don't for goodness sake say hello to someone you’ve never met – before you know it you’re on the London Transport Police’s wanted list. Just say nowt and attend very actively to your baggage. Attend! Attend!)

It got better in the second half, not least 'cos the Gaffissimo proved he had a sense of humour by bringing on SWP and Crouch at the same time. Not so much a substitution as a study in anthropology.

Even though I am congenitally unable to accept that a bloke who is 6 and a half feet can be a neat footy player, I have to accept that Crouch is rapidly making himself as undroppable as a stick in a pit bull's mouth. And Rooney looked quite the lad for the last half-hour with the big man alongside.

Perhaps the biggest indication of what a tough job Fabio has ahead of him was the moment when the England team got a thorough booing for keeping hold of the ball.

You could feel the tension in every Englishman's very being, 'cos no one had thought to tonk it high and long toward the corner flag, while shouting 'Run, Wazza! Run!'

Never mind the players getting educated, some of the dimwits who sit in the stands need to get a grip on reality. Hoof'n'hope is not the way forward.

Still, at least the reality TV show that is Pampered Brats Go To Boot Camp has begun with a win. And you’ve got to like Capello's unforgiving management style. No WAGs, no nicknames... and where will they get the intellectual conversation from without the Game Boys?

My WAG was in the Bell last night. It was the usual fare from her:

10 mins – Oh! Are we playing in red?
21 mins – Rooney's getting better with age. I wonder if he's using Colleen's moisturiser?
40 mins – Did we score? Who's that? Jermaine who? Oh yes, the one who went to Portsmouth. He's very dishy, etc, etc.

And my own personal favourite:
62 mins – the pitch looks nice – why can't you do that with our lawn?

By the way, I'm not saying you're all like that, ladies, but my missus is.

Any road, here’s the scores on the doors for Episode 1 of the Capellovian Revolution.

Rooney was bellowing away to his team-mates like a young bullEREDerek 'Robbo' Robson

1. David James – calm enough, save for the last minute when he proved he's still capable of turning from master keeper into p***** vampire bat at the cross of a ball. 6/10

2. Wes Brown – or was it Des Brown? From the yelps in the Blue Bell with every dreadful touch it could have been James Brown -'Take him off for Bridge, c'mon, Take him off for Bridge! Owwwww!!!' Incapability Brown is probably the best summation of his performance. 2/10

3. Ashley Cole – slippy boots didn't help. Needed another stud or two but as he's allegedly the biggest stud out there, he probably thought otherwise. 2/10

4. Gareth Barry – average, but just about did enough. 6/10

5. Rio Ferdinand – dozed off for their goal, but he is the second or third name on the team-sheet. 6/10

6. Matthew Upson – dunno why he was picked ahead of the turncoat Woodgate. OK though. 6/10

7. David Bentley – A Bentley, not yet a Rolls Royce. He had a good game but let's just calm ourselves a little. 8/10

8. Jermaine Jenas – deserved to be picked, but there's summat missing with this lad. He reminds me of Mark Ramprakash. He's got all the wherewithal, but none of the... oh what's the word... balls. Maybe a stint on Strictly Come Dancing will bring him out of himself. 6/10

9. Wayne Rooney – great once Crouchy arrived. I liked the fact he was busy bellowing away to his team-mates like a young bull. Looks like Capello’s told him to get his message across. Good. 8/10

10. Steven Gerrard – got better, too. Decent, but not the best player on the park. 7/10

11. Joe Cole – cracking. If he can stop thinking that with Scholes's retirement there's a vacancy for someone who tackles like Mr Magoo on a Kung Fu course then he's got all we need. 9/10

Subs
Wright-Phillips – scored the winner but sometimes looks just plain bloody awful. Lennon's a better bet in my opinion. 6/10
Crouch – the real deal now. And Rafa'll keep him fresh, don't you worry about that. 8/10
Hargreaves – like Barry but with longer-life batteries in him. 6/10

As for Michael Owen, it was great that Capello bagged him. The lad needs a wake-up call.

All in all? Not much has changed. The players still look inflexible. We still need the 4-4-2 for now. But we are all going to give the new bloke time.

As Shearer put it, if they're crap with this guy in charge then let's face it, they're just crap full stop.

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comment by footyfanjackhalford (U1740534)

posted Feb 8, 2008

To 'chrisamanor'.
Lets agree to disagree !
All of your comments about Beckham make sense, but the bottom line is that England for far too long have been very Poor and Beckham has been a part of that.
So give Capello a chance to turn our fortunes around without Beckham and any other player that does not play at the highest level required to wear the England colours.

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comment by realthing (U7999231)

posted Feb 8, 2008

Personally despite his undoubting talent I am not happy with Rooney at the moment and I concur with Chris Waddle in that he tries too hard. He needs to take a chill pill and focus on actually trying to score a goal which as a striker is what you are supposed to do. Against Russia he was criticized (rightly so) about not staying in position so there was no outlet for the defense and midfield. On Wednesday I saw the same thing. On one occasion he ran back to defense and he gave away a free kick in a dangerous position (better than a penalty) and then another occasion the ball was passed out to him and he was nowhere to be seen. You can also bring up the game against Portugal in 2006 when he was Red Carded for stamping instead of winning a foul. He needs to wise up, international football is not the Premiership, you have to keep your shape and position otherwise the whole team collapses and if fouled go down, so as to get a free kick and a yellow card to the other player. But the good news is that one way or another I am sure that Capello will sort it out.

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comment by chrisamanor (U4619830)

posted Feb 8, 2008

Realthing, spot on, mate! Rooney's got to stop believing his own publicity. Yes, he is talented but at this level you can't afford to showboat - he's not that good! His goal scoring record is pretty poor at club level, and worse at international level. No matter how "clever" he is, he's got to get the end result. Owen, by comparison, has had a marvellous record, 40 goals in 89 appearances, maybe he has reached the end of his international career, as some people say, but unless we find someone who can put the ball away regularly, I don't think he should be written off just yet.

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comment by pashda1 (U9601400)

posted Feb 8, 2008

Chrisamanor
agree totally about Rooney, he is overhyped and believes all that is read to him. He is never going to be the man to lead the front line it is not his style. Sooner or later someone has to wake up to the fact that at the moment Crouch is the best we have got at that job and when he came on the Swiss had a hard time defending. Rooney and Gerrard were given a chance to shine with the lay offs they were getting instead of sitting deep to get the ball and getting in the back 4 where they are always a bit risky. Nice to start with a win tho.

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comment by Pure Breed (U2059151)

posted Feb 8, 2008

"As Shearer put it, if they're crap with this guy in charge then let's face it, they're just crap full stop"

THAT JUST HAPPENS TO BE TRUE, UNFORTUNATELY.

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comment by robinncfc (U2011883)

posted Feb 8, 2008

So it's ok for everybody in your local pub to moan at the england team when things are not looking good but if you have spent the money and actually gone to the game you have to sit quietly and say nowt!

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comment by chrisamanor (U4619830)

posted Feb 8, 2008

Just read your post, pashda, hear what you're saying about Crouch, he does confound his critics. Thing is, if two-metre Peter is the best we've got, we're in a bit of trouble!

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comment by Robbo Robson (U5722413)

posted Feb 8, 2008

comment by robincutler
posted 5 Hours Ago

So it's ok for everybody in your local pub to moan at the england team when things are not looking good but if you have spent the money and actually gone to the game you have to sit quietly and say nowt!

_______________________________________________
Ermm, no. Moan away all you like, but save it for the rubbishy bits emanating from right back and not when we are actually passing the ball to each other and ending up with a shot at goal. That's just plain bonkers.

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comment by telemonster (U2037234)

posted Feb 8, 2008

another good column this week - what's going on? you got a ringer in?
pretty much as i'd have put it, only funnier and better.

nice one!

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