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Robbo's 2008 predictions - Pt I

by Robbo Robson (U5722413) 02 January 2008
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Derek 'Robbo' Robson

It's predictions time again. It's going to be a busy year and not one where you can foresee a huge amount of joy for the patriot. But here's what I reckon is sure to happen.

January

Sam Allardyce hires a new man to his coaching staff, bringing the total to just over half the average gate at St James's. The latest recruit is Jonny Wilkinson. 'We need someone who can help us get the ball higher and further up the pitch' says Sam sagely.

Joey Barton takes a course in anger management and manages to anger everyone. Newcastle finally lose patience with him and, without much expectation, put him on the transfer list. West Ham buy him.

The transfer window closes and Liverpool are delighted with their coups. They have bagged some top strikers: Thingywotsit, ermm... that lad from you-know and the left-sided kid from Atletico Doo-dah. "Hardly the best a man can get," growls Mr Gillett.

An unprecedented number of Premier League footballers' homes are burgled. Police say there are some common peculiarities to the crimes: most of the homes belong to African players - and most of them seem only to have had their passports stolen.

The European Figure Skating Championships in Zagreb are abandoned for two reasons: one, global warming and two; it's not sport, it's a load of jessying about.

February

The Superbowl XLII is moved to Wembley. England have to play Switzerland there three days later so it's the perfect opportunity to get the pitch looking like it's been attacked by Joey Barton on a rotavator.

Rugby's Six Nations begins. England select Andrew Sheridan as their only forward against Wales and win due to the momentum they got from their pack. It's a dull old game, though, and two fans called Catty and Lol are seen leading chants of "You don't know what you're doing!"

Chelsea beat Arsenal in the Carling Cup Final with two goals by Drogba. Ashley Cole explains that his latest gesture to the Arsenal fans was merely to indicate how many goals his team had won by.

March

In the Champions League, Celtic fail to progress, but Liverpool beat Inter with a last minute goal from Thingywotsit.

The Boat Race is abandoned due to sabotage. Some unruly oik has put a hole in both boats and halfway round the teams start to sink. A bunch of Teesside ruffians are seen celebrating on Putney Bridge. Oxford win on account of them being the first ones to swim to the bank. It's the best boat race ever.

England's cricketers lose the three-Test series in New Zealand. Coach Moores says "We are a team in transition and we're looking at a five-year plan." The translation of which is: "We are right cack at the moment."


April

I back the winner in the Grand National (based entirely on the law of averages, it's got to be my year).

The World Snooker Championship is won by Ronnie O'Sullivan, who then declares he's fallen out of love with the game, but he really loves it and "anyway this could be me last season but I love the game and I dunno what I'd do if it weren't for snooker" etc, etc....

Angel Cabrera is denied victory at the US Masters after he carelessly stubs out a ciggie on Tiger's line on the last hole. (Ha'way man, we've all done it).

Pompey finally score at home, after inviting Reading over for a kickabout.

May

Premier League Champs - Man United... they celebrate in unusual style by going out with their wives and girlfriends.

Relegated - call me a dreamer but Derby might just drop. Then I'd add Wigan and GoesUnderland.

FA Cup Winners - well it looked like it was going to be Manchester City but they get beat in the quarter-finals on penalties after taking an early lead. So you know what, sod it, Boro win it! Yeah! Why not!? With goals from Tuncay and... ermm... all right with a goal from Tuncay and a doughty defensive performance... sigh. Even I can't talk meself into that one. I'll go for Villa.

The Champions League is won in Moscow by Chelsea with a fantastic winning goal by Andriy Shevchenko. He celebrates by climbing Pat Cash like over the seats to embrace the club's owner.

The Blues fans launch into a rendition of 'If you all love Avram clap your hands!' Then Roman wakes up and realises the Carling Cup's all he's mustered and that Real Madrid have in fact won it by beating Man U in the final.


June

Woo-hoo! It's Euro 2008 and while some people pebble-dash the iron-gates of England's finest footballers with the second carton of soft fruit from the inevitable supermarket two-for-one offers, the rest of you cosy up to your remotes with a footballing feast on your minds.

But the winners are... Germany, who beat Austria 2-0. No one minds this time 'cos they're a bit flamboyant and entertaining and not very Worksprung durch technik at all.

But the best news is that we don't have to listen to Ultravox's bloody Vienna again.

Pt II to follow later this week - Ed.

Latest 10 comments

Read members' comments or add your own

posted Jan 5, 2008

I wish I could say I was surprised by the negative PC rubbish being spouted here but it's probably no more than I really expected and just one of the reasons I choose to live abroad now

Quartermain49 - First of all, living in London does NOT give anyone a proper perspective on anything (I know, been there, done it, got the t-shirt). Try living outside London and maybe you'll find a life (but then you admit to being a barrister)


oh twadi! - Don't even know where to begin with you mate! Please - get some therapy. If you find this offensive then do the sensible thing and DON'T READ IT! Personally I find your ridiculous whinging grossly offensive so do me a favour and don't publish it.

Robbo - keep up the good work mate and just ignore the PC brigade.

And yes I AM a Boro fan!

ok

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posted Jan 6, 2008

comment by havanatopia
posted 2 Days Ago

How can Boro win the FA Cup?.. they have Bristol City in the next round. Not a chance mate.

_________________________

Not a chance.

'umble pie is a dish best served cold.

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posted Jan 6, 2008

4 days in and you're already wrong- villa can't win the cup now!

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posted Jan 6, 2008

Thanks for that observation, Sherlock.

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posted Jan 6, 2008

great article mate keep em coming manu for the title!! and hopefully c/l

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posted Jan 6, 2008

Spurs can get back into the Top 7 to get a UEFA Cup spot next season and they should win the Carling Cup, beat the 'YounGunners' as I like to call them.

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posted Jan 7, 2008

no problem DoctorBoro Love, any time

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posted Jan 8, 2008

Prem: Man U
FA Cup: Man U
Champions League: Man U
Carling Cup: Everton

BTW Robbo ur already wrong! FA Cup cannot be won by Villa, Man U already beat them! HAHAHAHa

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comment by qwerty7 (U1778059)

posted Apr 15, 2008

FA Cup: My gut reaction is Pompey, I'd rather Cardiff.

Premiership: Manutd
Champions League: Manutd

Consolation Cup: yeh, we know Spurs beat the Chavs. hahaha

my other predictions. well Benitez would be sensible if he signed up to monster.com or some other job recruiting agency. Good manager - not wanted by his employers. Shame.

Avram - dead man walking. well he'll get a nice cheque so won't need a job.

Arsenal - will dominate summer headlines: Fabregas will he stay or go, stay or go...Arsene: will ge stay or go, stay or go!

This made good reading...Allardyce to replace...hmmmm

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