The speculation is rife in the Blue Bell. Who's going to fill the shoes of Steve McClaren?

Not that he didn't fill them and everything else he was wearing last Wednesday when Carson waved the Croat's first past.

Capello could be grabbed right away, but is he tarnished by the Juve experience? And is he ready to work with British numbskulls?

Benitez seems to be packing his bags, but could he resist a rotation or several? And frankly, I don't understand Rafa.

Harry Redknapp could do a job, but could you look at them forlorn chops if things, much like his own comely visage, started to fall apart?

O'Neill's ruled himself out, Klinsmann might listen to offers and must have been impressed with Bentley's swallow-dive at Fulham on Sunday.

Shearer? It's got to be a bit cosier in that studio than it is under an umbrella in the pouring rain.

Mourinho? Yes, of course, especially if the FA gets sacked and replaced by a bunch of ladies.

Anyway, so we're chewing all this over when Tony Thompson, five pints down but still coherent, said what all drunks say at a moment like this. 'All right, Robbo, if you're so bleeding clever, you do it!'

Yep. ME.

Now before you all say you're not taking this seriously, Robbo, let's look at the evidence.

I've got no experience. This brings a fresh perspective. You know, 'no fear' and all that.

I've never won owt as a coach, but that didn't stop Keegan, Taylor and Hoddle.

I'm from Teesside so I won't take no s***, and I won't be in a hurry to go back there either.

The name's Robson which worked OK in 1990.

I'm English.
I'm cheap.
I'd be honoured.

So let's go for it, eh? Here's my manifesto pledges. I admit it's unlikely I'll get the post so these commitments will have all the sincerity that the Lib Dems can afford to give.

If I am named England manager I will:

1. Never play Gerrard and Lampard together from the start

2. Never play Phil Neville.

3. Never go to America to see any footballer play.

4. Never have lessons from some slimy wannabe lovey on how to present meself in public.

5. Never smile until we win summat.

6. Never wear V-neck sweaters like Gareth Southgate.

7. Never refuse to talk to the BBC cos one of them said summat a bit cheeky.

8. Never reassure the public as to how passionate the players are to represent their country. I shouldn't need to.

9. Never play a lone striker.

10. Never walk away from failure as a multi-millionaire (NB Benitez looks like he might be £6 million up when the Liverpool chairmen finally sack him for being too mouthy - what planet are we on, eh?)

And I will also:

1. Always admit it when the players are crap.

2. Always play 4-4-2 until schoolboys are taught summat else. (Obviously when we're 2-0 v Croatia at Wembley I might need to look at changing the system a bit. 'Course, that won't happen to my team).

3. Always keep my pecker in me pants even if tempted by a saucy ex-weather girl*.

4. Always keep me private opinions on matters of faith healery to meself. (Frankly, though, all that stuff's bonkers)

5. Always tell the FA publicly where to go when they give me a vote of confidence.

6. Always try and get the players to pass the ball to each other along the ground unless a panicky hoof is required.

7. Always spend time in Sao Paolo and Rio trying to forcibly naturalise Brazilians so they can pull on the Three Lions with all the pride of a Kevin Pietersen.

8. Always base my team selection on who's fit, not who might be in a couple of weeks, given a fair wind, a compliant physio and a ridiculous optimism.

9. Always stand on the touchline shouting and looking passionate, patriotic and downright furious.

10. Always drink in the same pub regardless and put up with the earache that brings.

*At the time of going to press there aren't any saucy ex-reality weather girls I fancy but this can be reviewed at any time.

So what do you think?
Just give me the opportunity and I know I can do it. Just think, that little lad who, eons ago, fell to his knees when me mam was told I'd failed me trial at Hartlepool FC, could now become the kingpin of English footy.

A true, purposeful, insensitive voice at the top of our national game. Isn't that what we all want?

Plus, I've got a killer strapline to me campaign:
Vote Robbo for England manager. Could He Be Any Worse?