Once again an England international foot has cracked under the smallest amount of pressure. Duberry stood on Rooney's tootsies and the lad's off for two months.

Now young Wayne always comes across as a hardnut to me so why does he have fairy feet, eh? My theory, and it's only a theory and therefore can in no way be treated by a bunch of legal eagles as a quick way to raid a mouthy Teessider's bank account, but my theory is that these modern-day boots just aren't sturdy enough.

As a kid, footie boots were the only thing I ever wanted to go in to a shop for. Well, that and a quid on the 3.45 at Newmarket. Me mam didn't know about the latter (it was for me Dad any road).

The shop (name and address withheld) was a smoky, pokey little hole with one of those slidy stepladders and 1,000 boots on each wall. Me, I wanted the Patricks or the Adidases but me mam said British is best (i.e cheapest) and bought me some Stuburts with screw-in studs. I dunno anyone else who had a pair.

The screw-ins were a bit of a mare. You'd finished an hour's after-school practice and spend the next-half-hour wandering around the pitch trying to track down the bloody studs. They were OK boots, though, not smooth soft and lightweight like the blinking moccasins the modern pampered pro slips on to his peppermint-oiled feet.

They were hard, clomping, unbending things. In short they were BOOTS. You could clog and kick and cannon in a 25-yarder and you were safe as houses.

When it came to feet, we never met a problem, let alone a metatarsal. In fact no-one outside of the medical profession had ever heard of a bleeding metatarsal until a few years ago.

I tried putting on some of these new boots the other day and they're right comfy. If I were just running round a field for 90 minutes then that'd be fine. Trouble is, toes get trod on every day of the week when you're playing football. If your toes aren't in peril then the centre-back's just not tight enough.

Besides, it's the perfect way to inhibit the striker's attempt to get off the ground. If you're in a team with a bunch of defenders who wouldn't dream of being that shifty, replace them now.

Any road my point is, if you do a bit of DIY in your slippers and you drop a hammer on your fifth metatarsal, you've only got yourself to blame for not protecting said digit. The same with footie. Don't wear girl's pumps. Wear summat sensible. Bring back the hard black Stuburts.

Meanwhile the Prem season kicked off with some old ideas confirmed.

One, Spurs don't have the bottle to get to a top four finish.
Two, Steven Gerrard's ability to win free-kicks by raising his arms aloft and sniffling is second to none.
The third thing I noted was hugely surprising: Chelsea. Exciting. Thrill-a-minute. I can't believe it either.

Finally, the Boro. Empty stadium, poor performance... oh dear. Wigan on Wednesday and it's already a must-win. Two days in and already all that pre-season optimism has flown out of the window. This footie fan lark is pure hell.