Well 5-0 it is. It all finished a while back now but it still leaves me speechless - which I know will be of some comfort to those of you who despise a mouthy Northerner.

The Aussies were so completely in charge they might just as well have stripped our boys naked, smeared them in vegemite, poured weak lager down their throats and forced them to listen to Kevin Bloody Wilson. I'm sure that's still preferable to the upcoming one-dayers if you're an England player.

I notice the 2005 series has already been reassessed and is now officially a 'shock' victory. At least Freddie won't be skipper again so we'll be saved from his post-match drawl. His steadfast refusal to say anything of interest in five Test matches was a staggering achievement.

Now Sir Vaughany's arrived on his white charger. (Actually it's a brown horse but some Aussie wag's whitewashed it.) Vaughan's stock has risen even higher after this pasting. But while his return is welcome it's also later than a Ben Thatcher tackle.

There's loads of reasons why we lost but the main ones are this: crap batting and crap bowling. The only person who should be allowed back on the boat (to fly them back would seem an unnecessary extravagance) is a South African.

There is another reason, of course: Australia, and in particular Australians. They are miles better than us at sport and it's because they bloody well care. I cannot believe there's a fat kid in the whole country.

Maybe it's true the closest they get to culture is when Ant 'n' Dec visit that poxy jungle, but believe you me, I'd swap William bleedin' Shakespeare for Shane Warne ANY DAY OF THE WEEK.

Of course Warney has been touted by Dunc the Flunk as possibly helping out our boys in the future. Maybe, but it's a bit like having the bloke who just pulled out your fingernails teaching you to touch-type.

So how do we make sure this cannot happen again?

First up, let's keep the lasses out of it, shall we? Frankly I've had enough of abject losers being comforted by the arrival of their wives. One phone-call a day and bromide in their tea next time.

Secondly, make sure the selection process doesn't resemble picking-up in the school-yard. Another selector there might just have saved us from Ashley and Geraint.

Thirdly, let's spread the game around a bit, eh? If you look at cricket you'll see how our national summer sport still lies in the hands of the nobs and toffs. Cricket is a fantastic game but it costs money to have a good bat, good kit and, more importantly, a good pitch.

It's about time the la-di-dah schools started sharing their green acres with the hoi polloi. (It's no coincidence that 14-year-old supersailor happened not to attend a comprehensive. Good on him, but if a comp kid had truanted off to Uncle Sam like that his mum would be looking at a jail sentence.)

There must be tons of nippers who'd like to try batting, but a cricket ball spitting off a crack in the pavement can soon put you off.

Fourthly, let's forget about 2009 and just try to win a few games in the rest of the year.

Finally, MBEs. Never again! Members of the British Empire? Major British Embarrassments more like.