Christmas is a time for giving - or if you're an English cricketer, giving in - so here are just a few gifts to warm the hearts of our sporting heroes and villains...

To Shane Warne - I offer you the freedom of Hampshire for two whole years and all the ladies therein in the hope that you might accidentally procreate with one of them and lo! unto us shall be born a podgy blonde lad with unfathomable googlies. It's the least you can do after all that torment.

To Sralex (I like to call him that - it makes him sound less like a manager and more like a laxative, which, during the half-time team talk, he is). Your highness I present you with an entirely new bench as the one you've got right now is only strong enough to carry a bunch of lightweights who can't win you the Championship.

To Zara Phillips, a thesaurus (it's like a dictionary, pet, not a dinosaur). Look up 'amazing' and you'll see how many other words mean the self-same thing. I know! Amazing!

To Geraint Jones, a pair of keeper's gloves to help you keep that park tidy now you're not going to be playing cricket anymore.

To Brian Ashton, England's new Rugby union coach I give Tom Varndell of Leicester and some words of comfort from Jermain Defoe - that's right, a wing and a prayer!

To Steve McClaren I give a big crate of bottled lagers from around the world (but no Becks). Don't give any to Paul Robinson - apparently porky Paul thinks alcohol is a bad habit and he's trying to kick it. He keeps missing but he's trying to kick it. To Jose Mourinho - a few sessions with an acupuncturist so we can watch someone putting the needle into you for a change. I suggest sticking seven or eight into the head area until it deflates to a normal size.

To Ashley Cole - some crayons for the next volume of your autobiography.

To dodgy football agents everywhere - I haven't got you a present yet but if we can meet for a coffee I'm sure we can sort summat out. I'll bring the coffee you bring the sweetener.

To Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano - I'll get that Icelandic bloke to give you your passports back and you can be on your way, lads.

To Les Reed - a book of Britain's Remotest Places. Pick one, Les, and Ruuuuuuuunnnnn! (some lovely quiet Valleys I can think of)

To Roger Federer - War and Peace or summat really long like that so you can fill up all that time you have between thrashings.

To Stephen Harmison and Sajid Mahmood, a barn door. Imagine your excitement when you finally manage to hit it.

To Ronnie O'Sullivan, a lovely new bath towel that you can throw in whenever you feel a bit off.

And to Peter Ebdon, a tax demand. Suerly you shouldn't be able to wander back to Dubai without handing over your 40% to help the rest of his countrymen with their schools/hospitals/firemen etc?

What Christmas presents would you dish out to the sporting stars? Let us know below!