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18 June 2014
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Vampire Features An A to Z of Vampires
Everything you always wanted to know, but were far too scared to ask about:
A is for Anaemia, or lack of blood, which is what people tend to be suffering from after a vampire experience. That and death, usually.

B is for Blood, which is breakfast, lunch and dinner for vampires. As Dracula said, "The blood is the life." B is also for Bat, one of the forms it's generally accepted any self-respecting vampire can turn into.

C is for Coffin and Crypt, which make up the preferred bedroom ambience for many vampires. It's also for Crucifix, which vampires hate. Though whether this goes for Jewish or atheist vampires, we're not sure.

D is for Dracula, the most famous vampire of them all. With his dapper looks and cape, he's the archetypal vampire. D is also for Decapitation, one of the things that will kill a vampire. It kills humans too, mind.

E is for Eternal life, the good thing about being a vampire. It's also for Earth, which some vampires sleep in, despite the dry-cleaning bills.

F is for Fangs - the elongated canines of the true vampire. All the better for biting your neck, my dear.

G is for Garlic. Vampires are repulsed by this humble seasoning, used to protect houses and people from their attacks. They're not big fans of European cooking as a result.

H is for Holy water, which burns like acid to vampires. Make tea with some next time you're unsure about your creepy new neighbour.

II is for Invitation, which is what vampires need before they can step across the threshold of your house. Surly people are thus less likely to suffer a vampire attack as they don't bother with invitations.

JJ is for Jonathan Harker, the character in Bram Stoker's Dracula who unwittingly helps the dread Count to come to Britain.

KK is is Kiss, dark - the tender yet deadly, and rather disgusting, exchange of blood which makes a human into a vampire.

LL is for Lilith, Adam's first, inhuman, wife, according to the Apocrypha. Cast out for refusing to submit to Adam's direction, she went on to sire the race of vampires. A bit of a looker, apparently.

MM is for Mirrors, useless to vampires. Vain they may be, but they can never check their hair, as they cast no reflection. It's also for Mesmerism, mostly used for seducing youths into a life of vice.

NN is for Nosferatu, the bat-eared, rat-faced horror of FW Murnau's 1922 film. It means plague-carrier. Nice.

OO is for Oral gratification. Just take it from us - there's a lot of Freudian theories about the way vampires like sticking their pointy bits into squishy places filled with fluid.

PP is for Premature burial, perhaps the root of the vampire myth. Terrified peasants scrabbling at the interior of their coffins, and seemingly rising from the grave is enough to put the willies up most people.

QQ is for Queen of the Damned, a long pop-video about vampires based on the Anne Rice book of the same name.

RR is for Red, the colour of a vampire's eyes. And the inside of their cloak. And most of their interior decor.

SS is for Stake and Sunlight, two things deadly to a vampire. It's also for Speed and Strength, both of which vampires possess in abundance. And it's for Siring, which is how new vampires are made.

TT is for Transylvania, the origin of Count Dracula, and the region most associated with the myth of the vampire. It's part of modern day Rumania, should you wish to book a holiday there.

U U is for Undead - neither alive nor really dead, but held in a vile, soulless unlife. Rather like working in a call centre.

VV is for Vlad Dracul, a historical figure who contributed to the Dracula legend. Vlad had a nasty habit of killing people by impaling them on spikes. He also enjoyed nailing things to their heads.

WW is for Wolf. It's occasionally said that vampires can transform into wolves. It's also said, rather less often, that eating a sheep killed by a wolf will transform you into a vampire.

XX is for Xylophone. No reported vampire activity has ever been associated with xylophones. Yet.

Y Y is for Yeeaaarrggh! Often a vampire victim's last word.

ZZ is for Zombie. Another form of the Undead, Zombies have much worse personal grooming than vampires, and generally prefer brains to blood.
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Dracula and Holmes.
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