INTERVIEWER: Simon, how did you first get into food?

SIMON: For godsake, one doesn't 'get into' food. Food gets into one.

INTERVIEWER: I mean, how did you -

SIMON: My first food was mummy's tit. That was it. I knew, then, food was my life. I mean, it was bliss. Of course it was! Mummy was free-range ...Africa, Norfolk...and she was most certainly organic. I mean, my god, Mummy loved her scotch, but she never mixed it with pesticide. Even at the end.

INTERVIEWER: What's the secret of great food?

SIMON: The secret of great food is a secret. Stands to reason.

INTERVIEWER: Yes, but are there...

SIMON: I mean, there are golden rule. But they're obvious, really. Shrimps are the new prawns. Broccoli's for children. Never trust a waiter who tells you his name. Treat your vegetables like your dog. Things like that.

PAUSE

INTERVIEWER: What does that mean, treat your vegetables like your dog?

SIMON: Would you plunge your dog into boiling water? Neither would I. I love Sam. I swear, the day Mummy died, he came over to me and he leaned his head like THIS. He knew. No question. He wanted to hug me. Steam, yes. I'd put Sam in a sauna. Sammy would love that. It would make him feel juicy and tender and loved. Steam your vegetables as you would your dog.

INTERVIEWER: You say in the series, 'never put bread in a minicab'.

SIMON: Never put ANYTHING in a minicab. Specially not yourself. When Minty first knew me, she brought me some feta cheese by minicab. Greek feta that she'd bought in Greece from Greeks. And I sniffed it and all I could smell was minicab...plastic seats, pine freshener, stubble, English breath.. and what's that other minicab smell? Capital Radio! Who's that man? The millionaire DJ? Chris Tarrant. I could smell Chris Tarrant on my feta! So I threw it away.

INTERVIEWER: Are there golden rules about drinking wine?

SIMON: Do it. Do it whenever you feel like it. That's the easy part. The hard part is doing it when you DON'T feel like it. But it's worth it, believe me.

INTERVIEWER: Some people say you can't drink red wine with fish.

SIMON: This country! I despair! In France, there are no rules. A man will eat escargots with a carafe of red burgundy, with his wife and his mistress and his dog by his side. And some handsome young painter he can tell his troubles to. (MAUDLIN) I lied about mummy's tit, you know. Mummy never breast-fed me in her life. She hired a wet nurse. It's the English way. (PAUSE) I'm off to France.

SIMON exits.

INTERVIEWER: Simon Marchmont, thank you very much.