Jamue Collard
"i'd kill for a noble piece prize." - peter kay

Chris
"I remember the first time I had sex, I kept the Reciept" One of the Marx brothers, Harpo I think

Sharon Cannadine
Basil Fawlty to a cantankerous old lady who is complaining that her room in Fawlty Towers has no view ; ' What did you expect - herds of wilderbeest swarming across the plain?' Jasper Carrot to Robert Powell dressed in 'smart casual' clothes[cannot remember the name of the show; it was on in the 80s and was about 2 undercover policemen]; ' I said to wear S+ M gear, not M+S!] Alf Garnett in 'Til Death Do Us Part' when his daughter and son-in-law are discussing the best sort of bacon with him; 'Danish pigs are resident in Denmark, but they are still British'.

Laurence
"They say that guns don't kill people, people kill people. But I think the guns help." - Eddie Izzard.

J Mella
Rimmer's leaving speech: I'd just like you to know that I'll always regard you as people I once met.

Danny Adler
A quick word about oral contraception, I asked a woman to sleep with me and she said "no." -Woody Allen

bodnotbod
Stpehen Wright has so many choose from. Here's one: "I bought myself some instant water. But I didn't know what to add to it."

Shiely
Eric Morecombe, on hearing a police car siren outside the window, "he'll not sell many ice-creams driving at that speed". Used in a few shows but nonetheless, a tickler.

Shiely
Another Stan Laurel Pearler ; "You can lead a horse to water but, a pencil must be lead"

Peter Lane
From the late Douglas Adams:"I love deadlines and the whistling sound they make make as they go by".

Alex
the bill bailey line while talkin about fox hunting "even foxes, yeah, but their not mounted on the back of pigs, chasing their quarry through the countryside with a shriviling pack of shrews" had me in tears for days!

Brenda Howard
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. Groucho Marx

Paul Higgins
I can't really say my favourite one liner, because as soon as I think of one, an equally good one comes to mind. However, watching Stan & Ollie in 'Way Out West' on BBC2 this week I have to mention two of Stans. When asked about the death of Mary's father he responds to whether he is dead or not with 'Well, I hope so. We buried him last week.' and when asked what he died of he replies 'He died of a Tuesday. Or was it Wednesday?' Stan's delivery is just as important as the words. Classic. Watch the film if you haven't already.

Emma
My favourite comment: You're going to find it hard to walk with three shoes, the two on your feet and the one up your backside!!!!

Mike Bell
If God had meant us to have showers he would have made our arm-pits the other way up. P.S. I think you might find that the 'castles having gift shops' was actually Bill Bailey - unless he nicked it.

janice
Richard, please remove yourself from my person. -- hyacinth bucket

Miles
'I never got the vagina monologues. We all know that if vaginas could talk, they’d sound like Enya.' - Dylan Moran I've heard Bill Bailey use that Peter Kay gag too. Anyone know who pinched it off who?

Tony La Mesmer
New Definition "Countryside: To murder Piers Morgan" Stephen Fry on "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue."