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 Captain Cook
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General Melchett is on the lookout for a talented artist who can do an especially stirring painting for the cover of King and Country magazine, a publication which George calls 'damn inspiring stuff' and Blackadder calls 'soft, strong and thoroughly absorbent'.
George produces a picture of genius, but Blackadder passes it off as his own, believing that Melchett will send the successful artist to Paris and away from the trenches. However, Melchett's secret plan is in fact to make Blackadder go into No Man's Land and sketch what he sees. Melchett is not at all put off by the resulting work of art (complete with elephants) and orders the boys to go over the top anyway. They weasel out of certain death by posing as a trio of wandering Italian chefs.
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Blackadder: 'I know from long experience all my men have the artistic talent of a cluster of colour-blind hedgehogs in a bag.'
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George: 'I'm absolutely top-hole, sir, with an ying and yang and yippiedeedoo.'
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Blackadder (to Baldrick): 'If you were to serve up one of your meals in Staff HQ, you would be arrested for the greatest mass poisoning since Lucretia Borgia invited 500 of her close friends round for a wine and anthrax party.'
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The troops are about to go over the top, or, as Blackadder more accurately puts it, "Field Marshal Haig is about to make yet another gargantuan effort to move his drinks cabinet six inches close to Berlin."
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George on education: When I was at school, education could go hang. As long as a boy could hit a six, sing the school song very loud and take hot crumpet from behind without blubbing.
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Blackadder: Your brain's so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough to cover a small water biscuit.
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Blackadder: I smell something fishy, and I'm not talking about the contents of Baldrick's apple crumble.
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Blackadder Episode Guide
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