Yes indeedy, it's the Air Guitar Championship heat and it's come to the Boat Race...

Air guitar, my sad little friends, is a skill usually perfected, and indeed practised, in the privacy of one's bedroom. The Air Guitar Championships, however, is a show like no other. Closet air guitarists are positively encouraged to come out of the wardrobe and twang their invisible instruments for the delight of the crowds.

Air guitar gallery >>

Dangerous Dan takes to the stage

This intellectually challenged event is open to all air guitar playing aficionados and each contestant has the stage for three minutes, during which time the air guitarist can illustrate their skills to the music of their own choice.

Solo performers, air guitaring duets (including Posh and Becks - no, really!), top teens hot from their recent US tour (yeah, right!) and Rapunzel (with the longest hair in the world) all took their turn on the stage, egged on by the brilliant MC Dirty Rocker.

Now, you see, the great thing about air guitar, is that it's a level playing field. Complete amateurs stand alongside self-proclaimed superstars of the genre.

I'd like to thank my manager, my agent and the bloke I just met...

Let me give you an example. 'Stagefright' leaps onto the stage with his mate Jamie. "We've never done this before," shouts Stagefright. "In fact, I only met Jamie about a minute ago. I've been air drumming for about ten years though, so I don't think this'll be a problem." And off they go, and very good they are, too.

At the other end of the scale is Danny Stirling, the 'Australian tourist'. Now Danny looks like a flyweight boxer about to take to the ring. Complete with an entourage which includes a rather large bodyguard, Danny limbers up in readiness for his turn. When he does take to the stage, the crowd goes wild...

Danny - the coolest man on the air guitar circuit

"Danny! Danny!" They shout in unison. He thrusts, he gyrates, he twangs feverishly at the invisible instrument placed dangerously close to his groin. I look away coyly, but Danny has eyes only for the cameras.

He is truly a god amongst the air guitar elite. "This wasn't for me," he shouts as his Chase the Ace set finishes. "This was for air guitar!"

Air guitar gallery >>

And how do we find our air guitar champ? By a mass air guitar session to Ace of Spades of course! In true Motorhead stylee they twang their invisible strings. Never have so many people so shamelessly shaken their thangs in a public place. It was truly awesome. So awesome I had to sit down. On a half-filled plastic pint glass - again!

Stagefright took to air drumming in the face of this mass competition, but still he and newfound best-mate-for-the-night Jamie came through to the final group. Together with Danny, Evil Eric (boo hiss!), The Priest is Back, David Beckham and his lovely wife, Posh, the group were forced to perform yet again to a whooping and hollering crowd.

Evil Eric, I have to say, has truly perfected the art of head-banging. Resplendent in his thigh-hugging Zebra print pants and glossy waist length strawberry blonde tresses, he certainly looked the part. All I can say is, he's going to have a jolly bad headache come breakfast time.

Air guitar gallery >>

As with all good contests, the audience were called upon to decide the winners. "Let's hear it for Stagefright and Jamie!" shouts Dirty Rocker. We shout, we cheer. We like them lots and lots.
Evil Eric receives the expected boos and hisses and plays up to it. Posh and Becks are pretty popular as are our Judas Priest pair - The Priest is Back - but the crowd is clearly saving its lungs for Danny.

"So, what about Danny Stirling, then?" His mates scream and whistle (he's brought a coach load of them with him) and the crowd shouts appreciation for the man's sheer stage presence.

It's a tough call and organiser Jo Perfect is called on stage to decide. She declares Stagefright and Jamie the "wildcard winners" along with Danny Sterling. So all three will be heading for the finals at London's Electric Ballroom in September to fight for the coveted title of UK Air Guitar Champion 2003.

Air guitar gallery >>