In The Flesh: My Diary

Tagged with:

Final entry of Kieren Walker's (patient no.133104) PDS Treatment Centre Diary

"I am a Partially Deceased Syndrome sufferer and what I did in my untreated state was not my fault."

That's what everyone here at the Partially Deceased Syndrome (PDS) Treatment Centre in Norfolk - all the doctors, all the therapists - keep telling us to repeat.

They say that if we keep repeating it then our brains, our newly functioning brains, will be tricked into actually believing it.

My new brain cells don't buy it. I don't believe it. It was my fault. I'm a zombie, I rose from the grave, I went on a killing spree, I ate people's brains. There's no denying that.

I killed people. I'm not human... The flashbacks are terrible

I would have carried on doing it too if it wasn't for the government scientists inventing a chemical compound that makes us docile, a drug called Neurotriptyline.

Now we all have to have shots injected into the back of our necks every day. If you take Neurotriptyline chronically then it not only takes away your need for others’ brains but it also promotes the neurogenesis of fresh glial cells in your head, making new connections, reactivating different parts of our once dormant brain.

Kind of like a computer rebooting is how Dr Shepherd puts it.

I know all this because there is nothing else in here to read except the pamphlets and booklets that the pharmaceutical company that make Neurotriptyline provide for friends, families and people like us, the "sufferers" of the "syndrome".

Of course with any sort of medication there are side effects.

Here's a few of them: Insomnia, vivid dreams, involuntary recurrent memories, lethargy, depression, panic attacks, fever, convulsions, nausea.

And that's just the common ones that you can get when you take Neurotriptyline.

The worst side effect for me is the flashbacks. I've been getting them a lot. They're becoming more vivid.

They’re always of the last person I killed before I was caught and treated.

The guilt I feel is crippling. But I guess I deserve that.

Some zom - sorry - PDS sufferers don't get this side effect at all. What they did in their untreated state is forever a cloudy foggy mystery to them. Like my roommate Alex.

He says he doesn't remember anything from The Rising (when we came back and started attacking people).

He says he wished he did because he would relish (his word) recalling all the Living he maimed and killed because in Alex's eyes all the Living are bigoted, lying sheep that deserved what happened to them and more.

Alex is a bit of a radical nutjob, truth be told. He'd be intolerable if, deep down, he wasn't so vulnerable and scared.

I understand why he's scared though. I'm scared too. Soon everyone here at the treatment centre is going home.

All due to the PDS Domiciled Care Initiative the politicians call it. They can call it anything they want.

I call it pure dread.

Having to face our families and friends again. Going back into society.

Alex says there were riots when the government started trying to do this the first time, that's why Parliament had to pass something called the PDS Protection Act.

But I'm not sure about this. Alex can be paranoid delusional at the best of times. Keith - our treatment therapist - says that Alex is talking rubbish.

I really want to believe him. Keith also says my parents have been looking for a new place to live. I really want to believe that too.

The last thing I want is to go back to the village I grew up in - Roarton. God, the people in Roarton hated me even before I was like this.

If I'm honest I'm not looking forward to seeing Mum and Dad again. Because of the way I... because of how I left. Died. It was... very sudden.

I am looking forward to seeing Jem, my little sister though. The thought of seeing Jem has actually kept me going in here.

Kept me doing my physical therapy, kept me talking in group, kept me from feeling so hopeless and afraid. Just to see her smile at me again.

That's something worth living for I think.

Kieren Walker is the lead character and Dominic Mitchell is the writer of In The Flesh.

In The Flesh starts on Sunday, 17 March at 10pm on BBC Three. For further programme times, please see the episode guide.

Read Dominic's post Writing In The Flesh with the safety off on the BBC Writersroom blog

Comments made by writers on the BBC TV blog are their own opinions and not necessarily those of the BBC.

Tagged with:


More Posts