Final entry of Kieren Walker's (patient no.133104) PDS Treatment Centre Diary

"I am a Partially Deceased Syndrome sufferer and what I did in my untreated state was not my fault."

That's what everyone here at the Partially Deceased Syndrome (PDS) Treatment Centre in Norfolk - all the doctors, all the therapists - keep telling us to repeat.

They say that if we keep repeating it then our brains, our newly functioning brains, will be tricked into actually believing it.

My new brain cells don't buy it. I don't believe it. It was my fault. I'm a zombie, I rose from the grave, I went on a killing spree, I ate people's brains. There's no denying that.

I killed people. I'm not human... The flashbacks are terrible

I would have carried on doing it too if it wasn't for the government scientists inventing a chemical compound that makes us docile, a drug called Neurotriptyline.

Now we all have to have shots injected into the back of our necks every day. If you take Neurotriptyline chronically then it not only takes away your need for others’ brains but it also promotes the neurogenesis of fresh glial cells in your head, making new connections, reactivating different parts of our once dormant brain.

Kind of like a computer rebooting is how Dr Shepherd puts it.

I know all this because there is nothing else in here to read except the pamphlets and booklets that the pharmaceutical company that make Neurotriptyline provide for friends, families and people like us, the "sufferers" of the "syndrome".

Of course with any sort of medication there are side effects.

Here's a few of them: Insomnia, vivid dreams, involuntary recurrent memories, lethargy, depression, panic attacks, fever, convulsions, nausea.

And that's just the common ones that you can get when you take Neurotriptyline.

The worst side effect for me is the flashbacks. I've been getting them a lot. They're becoming more vivid.

They’re always of the last person I killed before I was caught and treated.

The guilt I feel is crippling. But I guess I deserve that.

Some zom - sorry - PDS sufferers don't get this side effect at all. What they did in their untreated state is forever a cloudy foggy mystery to them. Like my roommate Alex.

He says he doesn't remember anything from The Rising (when we came back and started attacking people).

He says he wished he did because he would relish (his word) recalling all the Living he maimed and killed because in Alex's eyes all the Living are bigoted, lying sheep that deserved what happened to them and more.

Alex is a bit of a radical nutjob, truth be told. He'd be intolerable if, deep down, he wasn't so vulnerable and scared.

I understand why he's scared though. I'm scared too. Soon everyone here at the treatment centre is going home.

All due to the PDS Domiciled Care Initiative the politicians call it. They can call it anything they want.

I call it pure dread.

Having to face our families and friends again. Going back into society.

Alex says there were riots when the government started trying to do this the first time, that's why Parliament had to pass something called the PDS Protection Act.

But I'm not sure about this. Alex can be paranoid delusional at the best of times. Keith - our treatment therapist - says that Alex is talking rubbish.

I really want to believe him. Keith also says my parents have been looking for a new place to live. I really want to believe that too.

The last thing I want is to go back to the village I grew up in - Roarton. God, the people in Roarton hated me even before I was like this.

If I'm honest I'm not looking forward to seeing Mum and Dad again. Because of the way I... because of how I left. Died. It was... very sudden.

I am looking forward to seeing Jem, my little sister though. The thought of seeing Jem has actually kept me going in here.

Kept me doing my physical therapy, kept me talking in group, kept me from feeling so hopeless and afraid. Just to see her smile at me again.

That's something worth living for I think.

Kieren Walker is the lead character and Dominic Mitchell is the writer of In The Flesh.

In The Flesh starts on Sunday, 17 March at 10pm on BBC Three. For further programme times, please see the episode guide.

Read Dominic's post Writing In The Flesh with the safety off on the BBC Writersroom blog.

Comments made by writers on the BBC TV blog are their own opinions and not necessarily those of the BBC.

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  • Comment number 33. Posted by Blixa

    on 30 Apr 2013 07:01

    I absolutely loved this series! It was so well written and touching, I cried a few times. The acting was tremendous! I loved all the characters wished that I knew what was going to happen to them. So many unanswered questions and possibilities to explore. I would love for BBC to continue this series! This series was so innovative and thought provoking and so much better than most of the empty headed shows that I could name. Thank you! MORE PLEASE!! Ohm, I hope it is released on DVD and aired on BBC America as well.

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  • Comment number 32. Posted by Blixa

    on 30 Apr 2013 06:48

    I was just lucky enough to see this series, because of a very nice person who posted it on Youtube. Sadly, because I am in the US, BBC won't let me watch it directly from this site. I absolutely loved this series! It was so well written and touching, I cried a few times. The acting was tremendous! I loved all the characters wished that I knew what was going to happen to them. So many unanswered questions and possibilities to explore. I would love for BBC to continue this series! This series was so innovative and thought provoking and so much better than most of the empty headed shows that I could name. Thank you! MORE PLEASE!! Ohm, and air it on BBC America too, while I'm asking for favors. ;)

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  • Comment number 31. Posted by topomostro

    on 17 Apr 2013 21:04

    Hi Tessa. Sorry, I don't 'itunes' - too pov for i-anything! But would love dvd, please can the BBC reconsider and release ITF on dvd?

    *please!*

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  • Comment number 30. Posted by sybilisation

    on 17 Apr 2013 10:04

    First of all - thank you very much for these three very good episodes! And yes, please more 'In the Flesh'... Brilliant... It feels so realistic, with the 'PC' 'Partially Deceased Sufferers' rather than 'Zombies'. And the way everyone in the village reacts, how the community changes, I think is (unfortunately) exactly what would happen if there was a new... hm... minority all of a sudden. Especially that Phillip reminded me of a Nazi 'executing orders' - marking the houses of 'PDS' sufferers...

    Can't wait to see what happens in the commune of the 'Savior'... (I think it feels like a trap, maybe (another) vigilante group that wants to catch Partially Deceased Syndrome sufferers and use them or simply kill them.)

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  • Comment number 29. Posted by Tessa Delaunay-Martin

    on 15 Apr 2013 11:43

    Hi DaveSimonH (#15) and topomostro (#28), thanks for getting in touch. I'm a researcher on the TV blog and although there are no plans to release In The Flesh on DVD, the entire series is now available to download on iTunes: http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00szzcm/products

  • Comment number 28. Posted by topomostro

    on 9 Apr 2013 22:12

    Hi Manc Vamp! Fancy meeting you here!
    Anyway, just wanted to add my voice to the 'PLEEEEEASSSSE can we have a second series?' call.
    This really was superb television. My heart just breaks for Kieren (Luke Newberry, gosh, his face just makes my heart melt! Those huge soulful eyes!) Having read the script in your writer's room, it really brings it home how well the actors apply their craft as they bring these words, these characters, to such vivid life (or vivid undeath?). Luke Newberry, certainly, deserves the lion's share of the praise, but all the cast were fantastic - the adorable Amy, gun-totin' Jem, Kieren's lovely mum and dad, Bill and Janet, and PDS nurse Shirley (she had the most comedic role, and played it sublimely).

    Then I want to mention the make-up crew, and the director, who knew just how to light the scenes to achieve the most disturbing and also most compelling effects. I'm thinking of the scene in episode 1 where Kieren wakes up to see Jem standing over him and she asks him 'What are you?' (it was a good question, and I was glad the writer decided this conversation was needed between these characters). As Kieren looks at her over his covers in the early morning light, curtains closed, the make-up effects to create an other-worldliness about Kieren, to make him seem almost repellent and yet also so pitiful and human too were extraordinarily skillful.

    My congratulations to Dominic Mitchell in realising his vision so wonderfully, and in doing so, making so many of us viewers fall in love with his characters. That's a great legacy.

    So, two things:
    1) when can we buy In The Flesh on dvd?
    2) can you please confirm that there will be a second series?

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  • Comment number 27. Posted by MancVamp

    on 9 Apr 2013 15:28

    22 - Katie *waving* - Yes i agree. One of the joys about this series was the very human backdrop going on all around.

    1. It did give Kieren a second chance - but now history has repeated and itself again - Rick has gone away - forever this time and Kieren has to face life again - only worse off than he was before! Talk about a bleak future! Hopefully the support of his family will pull him through. But if he wasn't strong enough to face life the first time round...

    2.. Yes. Rick's situation was awful. And sadly that sort of attitude still exists here. I found it interesting that so many people on twitter criticized that ' Northern stereotype' -most of whom were not from the North-West at all. I thought it was brave writing. I didn't find it sensationalized or some kind of weak back-story to explain Rick - it just seemed to beautifully unfold and I had sympathy with both characters , Rick and his Dad.

    3.I know. It was tragic, wasn't it? And there's nothing I enjoy more than a tragic love story! I guess that if there had been more money and more eps (or a second series) I'd have liked to see a few flashbacks of Ren and Rick.

    It will be a damn shame if we don't get a second series - even if it is only another 3 eps.

    Come on Zai.....pleeeaaassseeee

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  • Comment number 26. Posted by pxwilliamson

    on 7 Apr 2013 17:36

    the law of the conservation of energy and matter suggest that if they are not eating, then they should a) wither or b) stay still. untreated they ate brains (nom, nom, nom) so why do they not need food? Irritating unexplained bit.

    Funny though, as an alleGORY you have definate symmpathy in individuals. Still part of me thinks "THEY ARE ZOMBIES, ARRGGGHHH"

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  • Comment number 25. Posted by jake

    on 5 Apr 2013 01:49

    I think in the flesh is great the acting is amazing.

    cant wait for next episode.

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  • Comment number 24. Posted by Hangout_HarryHQ

    on 3 Apr 2013 23:29

    Such a beautifully inspiring, intelligent and fascinating short series - well done all involved! I've literally just watched all three - and now found this diary page (government ad is a brilliant touch!). I am not into Sci-fi one bit, but this has truly caught my heart!

    You seriously need to get a second [longer] series made up!! (With the dead brought back)

    Absolute hats off to all involved!!

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