Reasons to be cheerful
Perth, Western Australia
Beaten in an hour over four days. Thrashed by 267 runs. Failing to bat for 100 overs in their two innings combined.
There are plenty of reasons to feel miserable after England's feeble capitulation in the third Test. I could keep typing until the bottom of the page - having Australia at 69-5 on the first day and yet somehow managing to lose; a middle order that contributed just 54 runs between them in this match; Mitchell Johnson transformed from laughing-stock to living legend.
I could, but I won't. What's the point in wallowing in the misery and horrors of it all? It's over. Let it go.
Instead, let us face the future with a spring in our step. Here, courtesy of English stars past and present, are reasons to be cheerful - three apiece.
I'll open out with mine; you finish off with yours. Before we know it we'll be wreathed in beatific smiles and skipping gaily towards the MCG on Boxing Day like members of some happy cricketing cult.
1. Winning the Ashes in a nail-biting finale, having heroically fought off the slings and arrows and battled through varied tragedies en route, will be far more satisfying than winning them at a canter having come up against only token resistance. By losing here at the Waca - which has always happened, and probably always will - England have only made the final victory all the sweeter. Think of an Ashes victory down under as the partner of your dreams. If she/he acquiesced upon your first phone call, you'd only take them for granted. By emerging with them in your arms after a long, tempestuous courtship, you will cherish them for the rest of your days.
2. Last time England won the Ashes, they did so with victory at Melbourne. I know it's more well-known fact than omen or forecast, but it's something.
3. Ashes joy follows disaster with this England team as surely as the wise paparazzo follows Shane Warne. After the Nightmare of Cardiff, the Triumph of Lord's; after the Hammering at Headingley, the Ovation at the Oval. There's only one thing that can follow from the Whacking at the Waca - the Marvellousity of Melbourne. We'll polish up the name at a later point.
Michael Vaughan: former Ashes-winning England captain, TMS expert summariser
1. At least five of the Australian players aren't in any kind of form. Phillip Hughes, Michael Clarke, Ricky Ponting, Peter Siddle, Steve Smith. And you would think all five of them will still be in the team for the fourth Test in Melbourne.
2. Chris Tremlett bowled very well coming back into the team. He made the breakthroughs on the first morning and then took five wickets in the second innings.
3. Ian Bell has been batting beautifully. Personally I'd think about moving him up the order, because at the moment I've nicknamed him "The Shepherd" [because he has to shepherd the tail].
Michael Vaughan notes Chris Tremlett's arrival as an England positive (AFP)
Alec Stewart: 133 Tests for England, BBC Radio 5 live pundit
1. We aren't playing another Test match at the Waca for four years. England haven't dealt with this pitch well, but that doesn't matter now until 2015.
2. We haven't lost the Ashes at the Waca on this tour. Normally we do. Four years ago it was all over by this stage, and eight years ago it was too. The Ashes are still alive.
3. There's no way Steve Smith should be batting at number six. At Test level he's a number eight at best. The fact that he didn't bowl a single over means they picked him as a batsman but he's not good enough to bat there. So England have one less top-class batsman to worry about.
Simon Hughes: former Middlesex fast bowler, Test Match Special analyst
1. Australia have never had such a bad opening pair. I think they are more vulnerable at the top of the order than since their current chairman of selectors Andrew Hilditch and Graeme Wood were opening in the 1985 Ashes series in England.
2. Michael Clarke is in the worst form I've ever seen. He often wears sunglasses on the back of his head, but he'd probably bat better if he wore them at the front. To be honest, he might even bat better if he took his stance with his back to the bowler, let alone his sunglasses.
3. Australia do not have a spinner. Their current pick is their worst bowler since Murray Bennett.
Stuart Broad, England fast bowler
1. Chris Tremlett did really well here. He took eight wickets in the match in his first game back, and that's an excellent return.
2. England's catching has been amazing over the course of the series. That brings wickets and lifts everyone's mood.
3. It might be 1-1, but that scoreline allows us to retain the Ashes. And anyway - the lads are playing good cricket, and they believe we can win over here.