Understanding neglect
We like to imagine we care about children in this country. The public fury which greets high-profile cases of abuse suggests a society which refuses to tolerate child cruelty. And yet here we are, in the early 21st Century with all our wealth and technology, with some of the most sophisticated child protection systems ever devised, and we are being warned that the neglect of British children is on the increase.
Yesterday I met Jane, a young mum from Liverpool, who offered me a glimpse of what child neglect looks like:
"My fella was out on drugs all the time and I was left to hold the fort with all four kids. I was suffering from post-natal depression, so I wasn't focused on the children. I was just lying on the couch with the blanket over me, asleep most of the time, just crying. The kids were just fending for themselves, really."
When case workers arrived one morning they found the curtains drawn, the television blaring and Jane cowering under a filthy quilt on the settee. The four children aged from five down to a one-year-old baby were roaming around the house, half-dressed and filthy. The youngest was drinking from a baby's bottle filled with cola.
"The children were trying to get food out of the fridge for themselves and they weren't getting washed and changed," Jane admitted to me. "My eldest son was trying to look after the littler ones for me to be the man of the house. He was about five years old."
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When I rang my office yesterday to tell them about my interview with Jane, a colleague asked: "Did she apologise for what she'd done to her kids?"
A thousand times, I should have replied. She could have blamed the incompetent parenting and neglect she suffered as a child; or the mental illness which left her weeping for weeks under a blanket; or the failure of the authorities to offer the support and help she desperately needed; or the family and community breakdown which left her isolated and desperate. .
But Jane takes the blame herself. "I was just all for myself. I didn't focus on the children. I know that sounds horrible but that's just the way it was."
"Why didn't you talk to somebody?" I asked. "Was there no-one you could turn to for help?"
"I was just scared of social services because I thought they'd take my children off me straight away."
To Jane, the world beyond the drawn curtains of her chaotic home was out to punish her. She had committed a cardinal sin: a mother who failed to care for her children. The institutionalised world of child protection loomed over her, as she saw it, ready to judge her and to condemn her. "If they'd taken my kids away, life wouldn't have been living", she told me.
Don't imagine that Jane's experience is some extraordinary story from another world. Child neglect is commonplace. Studies suggest that one in ten British children are growing up without the security, food, clothing or love they need to thrive. There are said to be one and a half million kids whose basic needs are not being met.
Neglect is the most common form of child abuse and it is going on in your community right now. In Liverpool, I was introduced to another mother whose story bears uncanny resemblance to Jane's experience.
Chantelle also suffered depression and eventually a nervous breakdown. She also shut herself away, terrified that her four kids would be taken from her.
"I was locking the windows, shutting the curtains. No-one was getting in. No-one was getting out".
She told me she was trying to block out reality - but for her four kids, what went on in that house was all too real. "My eldest son has seen me thrown downstairs, seen me dragged around. He has seen me and his Dad punching hell out of each other. There was me neglecting him and his Dad not taking an interest."
Unsurprisingly, the boy developed severe behavioural problems. "He has had psychiatrists, psychologists, family support workers. This kid's been through hell and back."
Social services did place Chantelle's children in care. "I deserved to have my kids took away from me", she admitted. "I fought to stop them, but in my heart I knew that I couldn't look after myself, never mind the kids."
What strikes me in both these cases is that the mother saw the world outside as the enemy. Their own families were part of the problem, the authorities were seen as adversaries, their neighbours a potential lynch squad. They felt utterly alone.
There was a happy ending for both women and their children. Quite extraordinarily committed workers from the charity Action for Children entered their lives and slowly guided and cajoled them to a better place.
Jane has just had a new baby, her fifth child, and both are thriving. Her partner is off drugs and in work. The older children are at school and happy.
"I give them a hug when they get home from school. I give them a treat when they deserve a treat. I give them discipline when they deserve discipline. It is just fantastic."
Chantelle has just been told that her eldest son, now 14, is predicted to get six GCSEs next year. "I am completely made up", she told me. She has married and her new husband shares the responsibility of raising the children who have all been reunited with their mum.
Both women now volunteer to help other mothers who are struggling to look after their kids well enough.
If we seriously care about children in this country, then we can learn from Jane and Chantelle's stories. Sometimes it would help to condemn a little less and understand a little more.
I'm 
~RS~q~RS~~RS~z~RS~59~RS~)
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Please, please tell me why the mother was not advised in the strongest terms to avoid having more children? Yes, it is certainly a good thing that this woman and the father (note "partner" not husband) seem to have gotten their acts together, but why, why did these people need to have yet another child?
The best way to avoid child abuse and neglect is for people like these to avoid breeding in the first place.
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I'm sorry but my reaction to your TV interview and this attendant article is simple. It's high time we started concentrating on young people's responsibilities as parents rather than their rights. And these responsibilities should be clearly spelt out early in the education process. It's become politically correct anathema to describe people as "unfit for parenthood" but society has engendered precisely that scenario in too many cases. Caledonian Comment
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There are two problems. One is what do we do with the parents who are failing at the present time? Secondly how do we ensure that the up and coming generation do not make the same mistakes?
Old fashioned idea, but the only solution is self help. Self help is a skill that needs to be taught, it is a philosophy that needs to become ingrained into our society. The safety net needs to be one which does not take responsibility away from the parents, but gets them with support to take on responsibility. Support can be very very labour intensive over a short period.
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I agree that there should be less condemnation and more help for struggling parents but usually drug addicted parents can't get to the stage where they realize they need help. I think if you have any drug or alcohol habit, you're not fit to raise your own children. I think children should be removed from the household or better the parents should be removed from the househould and a 911 nanny takes over until the parents are completely off drugs and alcohol. Then they should work with the nanny over a period time to learn how to raise children properly. Drug addicts, sellers and alcoholics are some of the most self centered people on the earth. You can't be self centered and raise functional children because they need so much. Put that in your crack pipe and smoke it! ...... In the meantime, I'll wait for the Mark Easton Pro Drug Brigade to rip me apart.
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What we know from history is that child neglect is ever present; it simply changes its guise from one thing to another in each generation, and the accompanying "excuses" are always the same just shoe-horned to fit the new case.
We do not have that good a record with children. If we did then we wouldn't have problems in schools, in town centres at weekend, on sink estates, and, in some places, on every street. Are all of these products of "excusable" child neglect or "engineered" child neglect?
We have produced a child-centric society which has failed in all the crucial places even amongst families with higher incomes and no excuses. But however you square child "neglect" it is always the parents and authority figures who are behind the failures. It is too profound a subject to warrant a report on a special case like "Jane".
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I agree it is the availability of support that is crucial in these cases particularly spotting the need for early intervention. Perhaps they should empty out the county and borough halls of social services staff, education support, police and locate them on or near the estates or the concentrations of poor housing. Schools need to be encouraged to refer early if neglect is suspected and this implies training as well as 'pastoral' care. Community mental health as well should be closer to the centres of deprivation. There is an obvious strong need for joined up public services and embracing the voluntary sector too. If the country is really concerned about the daily tragedies of child neglect it will support the more generous provision of resources not talk in terms of cuts to balance the books.
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BoilerBill,
One thing that would help is teaching responsibility at a young age. For example giving children little responsibilities that a child can successfully accomplish. For a 2 1/2- 4 year old that might be sorting socks, putting socks in the dresser, helping sweep up crumbs after snack or attempting to wipe up a spill. You don't overburden children with work. You start out small and as their responsibility grows so does their capacity. But it should be something they're willing to take on. If children are given these responsibilities they should also be given priveleges too. When children are valued and appreciated and respected they gain a sense of place and the attitude of service. They know they are a valued part of the team. Many parents give things without requiring anything in return. Children feel happier and secure when they are given limits because they know what's expected of them.
Where parents often fail is in follow through because its very hard work initially. Also when parents don't agree or play one off the other, children sense weakness and can exploit these opportunities to their advantage. Parents have to be on the same page. You can't be too strict or too lenient with children. In any case, these are just a few things parents can do to raise responsible children and teens. If you work really hard with children and instill your good values early on, you can sit back and relax and trust that your children will make intelligent decisions for their lives.
Drug and alcohol addicted parents aren't positive role models because they're embroiled in their own life drama. Children deserve better than this.
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Waltriler
You make an excellent point. The social and security services should be moved into affected areas. That way they have their finger on the hub of what's really going on and they would be well placed to offer services.
I also think they should track children better. Is this child getting tutoring services, music, soccer lessons? I don't think these activities should be limited to only families who can afford them. Also, great vacation and summer activities can be offered very cheaply. No child should be stuck at home bored all summer long. Services need to be coordinated that get children out during breaks. If the bus offered free
transportation, students could travel around their towns and neighboring towns taking in the interesting sites, using existing facilities. For example, a school in Cornwall exchanges with kids in London. They learn to sail, kayak, tidepool, fish. The kids in London get to see Museums, theater etc. It can be done relatively inexpensively. They can sleep on cots in the school gymnasium, eat a pancake breakfast, sack lunch, spaghetti dinner. The world would open up to children who otherwise would never have had an opportunity to get out of their council fishbowl.
This is the fun and interesting life all children deserve to live. We are only limited by our imaginations. We need to help children while their parents sober up from their addictions. We should do everything that is humanly possible for all children then we wouldn't be scratching our heads wondering what went so terribly wrong with our society and the world.
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Interesting to see how keen people are to invoke medicalised labels such as 'depression' in relation to social problems like this.
Depression seems to be presented as causal: everything is fine, mum gets 'depression' (like some visitation from god), everything goes down hill.
Is that realistic?
How about: teenager in failing society chooses a lifestyle of not working, having kids she can't afford to care for, shacking up with druggie. Surprise, surprise things don't go well. Teenager gets unhappy and doctor labels it 'depression.'
If you get agitated about the second formulation, here's a question: if she was NOT living in a horrid flat, with loads of screaming kids and a druggie partner...would she have become depressed?
Direction of causality is rarely simple.
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#9 jon112uk
Excellent point - as I was reading the article I was thinking the same thing, and also wondering just how responsible it is of anyone to have four kids with a drug addict partner in the first place.
There needs to be a direct corrolation between parental responsibility and entitlement to benefits. Without it, we're just paying people to breed, with bonus payments for extra breeding.
That said, it is good to know that some of these irresponsible parents can turn things around, and that there are some organisations out there working to help them do so. But I still think it would be more advisable to shut and lock the stable door before the horse has already bolted.
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Post #9 has it spot on.
And following on from post #10, how about benefits rewarding those who don't breed? Cash payments for each year of successful contraception? Think how much it would save the taxpayer.
I know a teenage couple who were given a free weekend in Barcelona a year ago (state-funded but I don't know by whom), for attending a 6-week course on contraception. Surprise surprise the girl's just about to have a baby - because once they'd had their free holiday, where was the ongoing incentive to keep up with the contraception? The gravy train of income support, housing and a safe seat on the benefits bandwagon promised to earn her far more than taking a minimum-wage job.
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Post 4:
"In the meantime, I'll wait for the Mark Easton Pro Drug Brigade to rip me apart."
Sorry, I'm assuming you mean me amongst others with this fallacy, and I certainly don't intend to "rip you apart" because I think you've simply misunderstood the people you're talking about.
It seems clear to me that the key problem here is the drug addiction of the father and I'd like to ask you how you think he's going to get off 'em without medical help - something which ending prohibition can help with. (Netherlands a shining example of this). Are you expecting the drug dealers to spontaneously cut their own profits by trying to push him onto safer drugs? Have they all suddenly become social workers?
Decriminalising removes the fear (and some of the stigma of these addictions) and allows action to be taken because it becomes less hidden. I'm NOT pro-drugs but I AM anti-prohibition because it DOES NOT WORK.
Other than that I agree with all your comments/solutions! Kids need progressively more responsibility and to have their eyes opened to the world outside.
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By the way Mark your face is a picture on this one! You should take up mime.
The good news about this is that the young woman in question was able with help to pick herself up. More power to her helpers!
How much of this is due to the fragmentation of traditional social structures; what happened to the extended family, the helpful neighbour, the concerned friend?
How much of that fragmentation has been caused by long-term unemployment, a failed drugs policy, poor education, so-called slum clearance and a welfare system that discourages work?
This woman lost her self-respect somewhere along the line; which is easier than some realise. After that she hadn't a clue, which is the first step to what is called depression but looks to me more like catatonia.
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"Jane has just had a new baby, her fifth child, and both are thriving."
This is your idea of a happy ending?
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#4 "In the meantime, I'll wait for the Mark Easton Pro Drug Brigade to rip me apart."
Err, what?
I very pro-legalisation of some drugs, and anti-criminalisation for the rest. I'd like to ask you where you get the tenacity to be so offensive?
To suggest that people who are pro-legalisation and pro-reform are advocating people becoming addicted to drugs, beating their partners and neglecting children is frankly insulting and shows that you clearly pay no attention to any arguments you perceive to come from "druggies"
Is there anything wrong with mum having a glass of wine at the end of a hectic day, once the kids are in bed? No.
Is there anything wrong with mum having a spliff at the end of a hectic day, once the kids are in bed? Not in my opinion.
What's wrong is allowing drugs (including alcohol) to take over your life, and it's especially wrong when there are children involved. These people need help.
And probably to be given some free contraception.
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Dear Euforiater,
I didn't say not to get the father or mother in drug treatment and when countries protect drug kingpins, the issue becomes very complex. My only point is that raising children and taking drugs are activities that are directly opposed to each other. When you are watching and caring for children you need to be fully conscious because children's needs are so great. Unlike,my dear friend Gothnet who believes its ok to smoke a joint once the kids are in bed. What if a fire breaks out that requires immediate decisions. Druggies can do whatever they want but in my mind this is an unfit parent who deserves to lose the privelege of taking care of their own children. Why would someone let an addiction control their life and bring shame on their children. Parents think they they've got it so together, but school parents gossip and their children hear it and take it to school and tease your kids with it. People should be a better example. They should raise strong children who internalize that the problems of life can be dealt with drug free. Parents unconsciously doom their children to repeat their self absorbed behavior and mistakes. It's unconscionable.
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Children have children , parents encourage them to move into a flat provided by the council , boyfriend moves in more unplanned children , then they remember they really are children themselves and dont want the restrictions off their offspring ..result is neglected children , no one teaches the offspring any manners etc they just run wild, if the parents had to look after their grandchildren and no cash was forthcoming from the government or flats then just maybe the shoe being back on their foot a little discipline might be brought in ,and its time parents where parents and not best friends on the same level, that comes later when all lessons have been learned , children are happier with some borders some rules , they want to be looked after. drugs are vile and druggies are not in a fit state to bring up a dog let alone a child .
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Wildsundancer,
Taking away housing, electricity and food might only increase the abuse. As a taxpayer, I don't resent money being spent to help the lives of children. In fact, I believe more money should be spent that directly affects a child's life like tutoring, extracurriculur sports, classes, camp. These are positive things that all children deserve to participate in. As a society, we could do a better job of keeping track of at risk youths. If the community became a partner in helping the children of these families, it could really improve a child's outcome as it seems to have done in Jane's and Chantelle's case. The other thing is education.
JonUK112 made an excellent point. If girls didn't turn off to school and drop out so young, if they had better role models and a higher self esteem and support,would they choose the lives they do? In reality, women do become more vulnerable and shovel in deeper with every child they bear. I think a lot could be done to improve the lives of women and in so doing, the lives of men. Maybe part of this training should be basic economics (ie. It costs $500,000 to raise a child through college.)
Don't have children you can't afford. I think if we did a better job raising girls at the front end, this issue could be quickly resolved. Educate girls to make better decisions with their lives so they don't have to accept an untenable situation with a developmentally arrested man. Girls don't value themselves. We need to change their mindset.
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Clamdip
You are quite right but where do you make a start , girls do need to value themselves and it should be done at home first then at school , but if government is tying the hands of teaching staff pc is not helpful in all circumstances , the girls go home and no one helps there I dont think it can be quickly resolved. Where i worked i knew a mother with 5 children from different dads she did not stand a chance or rather the children did not stand a chance they were already streetwise and anti-social ( i worked in a store and she was a customer ),how do you deal with that ? it has to be done but how .
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Wildsundancer,
The efforts of the social services that helped Jane and Chantelle are a good place to start. But if girls are unable to get that extra loving support at home I think the school and community needs to step in and help. Children can get a vicarious feeling of support through extracurricular courses like Girl Scouts, afterschool tutoring,helping out at the local retirement home. Girls like engagement in activities. They like to give back to others so anything that promotes a girl's connection to the community where she can receive praise from others is a positive step in the right direction. Another thing that occurred to me was getting students out in the public more to show off their unique talents. For example, England has an incredibly long history of chorus.
Why can't there be frequent entertainment shows by students at the local mall. Shoppers love to be entertained while sipping on their cups of expresso. Promoting the talents of local students is a positive way to get attention from the community. Even reaching out individually to a friend's child can help. If you're going to the movies with the family invite her along. Just small acts can be meaningful to a girl who doesn't feel appreciated. The other issue which is really the domain of schools is to make sure that girls are competent in maths, sciences. When girls feel competent they are empowered. Another issue is standing up for girls. If a 12 year old is starting to hang around older boys you need yank her back from the abyss and get her reconnected to her own life and activities. Even telling them that boys often lie just to get sex can be very helpful to her. If girls are well connected to their own lives and family, they won't stray very far. Girls are smart and valuable members of our society, we just need to convince them that their brain not beauty is their best asset.
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So she went on to have another child? In a world where over population is a major problem, she had severe problems looking after 4 and now will have 5. She might be OK now but in a few years it could all go wrong again and these kids will suffer. It just beggars belief.
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My mother was diabolical. She hated us. We weren't fed - in fact, if we took food she would beat us for stealing. My brother was caught eating a frozen raw sausage, he was that hungry & she battered him. She sent us to jumble sales to find clothes, so we were genuinely dressed in rags. We were filthy, scrawny, terrified the whole time & no-one gave a stuff. Teachers bullied us, humiliating us in front of the kids, who bullied us very badly.
No-one cared, & we knew that. Dorothy (our mother, she's dead so I can say her name) got pregnant so she'd have to get married & would be able to leave her parents house. She didn't see why she should work, so she had baby after baby. Also, being pregnant made her feel special, it gave her attention. Having a new-born also attracts attention, but that wears off.
She sounds scummy, doesn't she? But she was incredibly middle class, very posh, always wore a hat & bought the best food for herself & her male "friends".
We knew she didn't love us. She wasn't mentally ill, she didn't have depression, she just couldn't be bothered. We were neglected & rejected & moved as far away from her as possible. When she became ill with cancer, not one of her 6 kids cared. She didn't want to see any of us, there were no apologies & she died alone, ranting about how horrible her kids were, how we'd ruined her life by being born, how we were all evil, liars, thieves & nasty useless, worthless pieces of so&so.
We don't miss her one bit.
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Dear puddingandpi,
That is so sad you had to endure all that pain. I'm sorry that no one reached out to you,not even your teachers. Your life exemplifies the type of severe suffering many children live through and survive. Its amazing that you've managed to carry on despite all of that. I was wondering how you feel your past experiences influence your present life?
How did you heal your pain and move forward?
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I'm sorry but I really have to disagree with the first sentence of this report "We like to imagine we care about children in this country". Actually, no, we don't. Most of us are fairly indifferent towards children, even our own, but especially those of other people. At the extreme ends of this scale are "neglect", as described in the report, and "boarding schools", although one is, obviously, rather more socially acceptable than the other.
What I believe needs to be addressed is how to make potential parents realise that they are taking on a huge burden and to be realistic about their ability to carry it. Unfortunately, we in Britain still subscribe to the idea of motherhood as something desirable, rewarding and inevitable when in fact it is seldom, if ever, any of these. Perhaps the NSPCC should take a leaf out of the RSPCA's book and start a campaign: "A baby is for life, not just until it stops being cute."
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Definitely agree with Woolfbane @ 24.
My partner and I talked about having children and we both were willingly to take them to the park and read them stories, all the fun stuff; but the messy bit - the actual real-life day in day out, 24 hours a day...? Well no. We help with our neices and nephews, friends' children and we enjoy it. Selfish, hedonistic maybe but definitely realistic.
"The public fury which greets high-profile cases of abuse suggests a society which refuses to tolerate child cruelty."
I disagree. To me that suggests a fairly blinkered way of thinking; that caring is equivalent to frothing at the mouth and proferring insults. Refusing to tolerate child cruelty is about helping, offering something positive, trying to reach out and improve things, trying to prevent abuse happening.
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People who are too stupid and ignorant to use contraception have too many children, rinse and repeat.
Sorry, apart from the tragic effect on the children, how is this a story ?
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I think having children has mostly to do with biology and many women are biologically driven to have children. Having said that, since the reality is that women will continue to have children despite whether they can afford them or not, we need to help children have the best chances possible. If Jane and Chantelle were able to improve their child caring skills after some therapy and instruction then there's hope for other parents. Woolfbane states that most people are fairly indifferent to children. I understand what he means but honestly there are numerous dedicated adults who teach children everyday,giving away their heart and souls to other people's children, potty training them, entertaining them,
teaching them morals and the alphabet. It's wonderful to say that your child can read but who really got your child to that point? Let's get real for once about a parent's "perceived" responsibilities. How many hours/day are they really caring for their own children? Maybe 4-5 hours during the school day since many children attend aftercare and are in bed by 8:00pm. So as a care provider who has wiped many runny noses, wiped many bottoms, bandaged and kissed many boo boo's and loved and comforted other people's children as my own, I say, you need to appreciate all the people in your child's life because God knows they weren't raised by magic.
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For the past 2 years I have lived next to a pair of extremely neglectful parents. The mom has 7 children between the ages of 4 and 17, 2 were fathered by the current baby-daddy who is an alcoholic-bully. He has 5-6 other children who don't live with them. We live in a trailer park and they had the 7 children, 3 dogs, and innumerable roaches crammed into a 3 bedroom trailer. They recently moved to another 3 bedroom trailer to live with a single mother and her son. The children often go without food and medical care because the parents put alcohol, high-end electronics, and the dogs above their childrens needs. The children are often left to beg food from the neighbors.
When they moved out of the trailer next door to mine another neighbor bought it to renovate it. The new owners had to use shovels to remove the waist deep mounds of filthy clothing the children crawled over to get to their rooms (bought by neighbors and social workers.) The windows of the childrens bedrooms have been without glass for 2 years (even in winter) and their mattresses were covered with dog feces. (The mother is afraid to let the dogs outside because they may get Parvo.) The new owners set off bug-bombs 3 different times to kill the roaches and each time dead roaches completely coated the floor. (I've had to spend a fortune on exterminators because I can't stand the thought of them coming over here.) When the family moved they didn't bother to bomb so took half the infestation with them.
The other day the 6 year old girl came over to my house filthy. She had been wearing the same clothes for a 4-5 days (its a school holiday so the parents didn't have to worry about being reported). One of her older sisters said she had not been bathed because the electricity had been shut off. There are 3 adults in that trailer who are not disabled. The weather has just turned cold here so electric bills are still low, water is about $40-50, and they only pay $175/month in lot rental for the trailer so there really is no excuse for them to not be able to pay the electric bill at this point.
I haven't seen the 6 year old since that day which is unusual because all her children have roamed the park every day, unattended, since I moved here 2 years ago so I'm trying to think up an excuse to go and check on her. I will probably end up calling child services on them, yet again, but it won't help. A case will be opened, the parents will make "a remarkable recovery", and the social worker will feel so good about herself and her abilities that she will close the case - yet again and the whole cycle will repeat itself in a couple months.
These people are con-artists. They will use any programs put in place to milk the system for all its worth and then go back to doing the same things when the spot-light is off them. I have seen it happen repeatedly over the past 2 years and when your neighbors don't bother to fix their broken windows you hear pretty much everything. Wake up. If you love your children you will care for them. If you don't then they should be placed with people who will.
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