"We blame the parents"
Today's report on childhood deserves its full and provocative title: A Good Childhood: Searching for Values In A Competitive Age.
It is an uncomfortable read and likely to elicit delight and outrage in equal measure: delight to those who believe that it is British society's lack of values that is the cause of so many of its children's ills; outrage to those who will regard its analysis and conclusions as a moralising attack on individual freedom.
The independent inquiry panel - 11 experts including eight professors - says its report is evidence-based. But its tone is passionate. Adult selfishness is blamed for many of the problems afflicting young people in Britain: high family break-up, teenage unkindness, unprincipled advertising, too much competition in education and ("of course" say the report's authors) "our acceptance of income inequality".
There is an emotional bluntness to the analysis. It talks of the need for "a more caring ethic and for less aggression, a society more based upon the law of love".
"We are arguing," say the authors, "for a significant change of heart in our society."
Britain's relationship with its children is under the spotlight - particularly since analysis by UNICEF two years ago found that young people in the UK were the unhappiest in any of the world's rich nations. The Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, in a contribution to today's report, describes a climate of "sentimentalism and panic".
Echoing Conservative party arguments, the collapse of the traditional family is seen as a critical factor. Lone parents, absent fathers, working mothers - all are listed as potentially damaging to young people's lives.
"Child-rearing is one of the most challenging tasks in life and ideally it requires two people," the report concludes.
It produces evidence suggesting that three times as many three-year-olds living with lone parents or a step-parent have behavioural problems compared to those living with married parents.
More generally, the report concludes: "Children with step or single parents are 50% more likely to suffer problems with academic achievement, self-esteem, popularity with other children, behavioural difficulties, anxiety and depression."
That is not to say that there are not millions of examples of children and young people growing and thriving in one-parent or step-parent marriages. The argument is that the odds are better in a nuclear family.
"The closeness of fathers to their children influences the children's later psychological well-being even after allowing for the mother's influence," the report states, also suggesting that women's new economic independence has contributed to family break-up.
The report says that parents should have a long-term commitment to each other as well as to the welfare of their child, recommending a civil birth ceremony - conducted by a registrar - explicitly stating the responsibilities parents are accepting. It calls for free parenting classes around birth and professional family support if things get difficult. The choice of staying at home to bring up a family should be more easily available, it argues.
While these ideas may appeal to traditionalists, the report's recommendation for an increase in taxes, significant redistribution of wealth to counter child poverty and huge new investment in mental health services, education and child care may well be criticised as politically naive.
So may its assertion that British society has "tilted too far towards the individual pursuit of private interest and success".
Calls to scrap SATS tests in English schools, abandon school league tables, ban advertising to under-12s and prevent building on any open space where children play are radical, and unlikely to happen in the short term.
Nevertheless, after three years of study and with 35,000 submissions, this is arguably a landmark report on the state of childhood in Britain - and a starting point for a debate as to why a million and a half British children are unhappy and why young people's emotional health appears to be worsening.
While the government might wish to pick on the first line of this report which states that "in many ways our children have never lived so well", the inquiry panel concludes that "more young people are anxious and troubled" with evidence to suggest that "the proportion of 15-to-16-year-olds experiencing significant emotional difficulties rose significantly between 1974 and 1999" and that "more young people have significant behavioural difficulties".
In a postscript to the report, the Archbishop of Canterbury writes that it "resolutely refuses to give an apocalyptic analysis of a generation out of control; but what it does is to turn a sharp eye on the society in which children are being raised and ask how it has become tone-deaf to the real requirements of children".
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Interesting to note who comissioned this report and the scope offered.
The Children Society is deeply intertwined with the Church of England therefore already has a bias to the outcome - given that some of the 'scientists' working on this report also want to put forward their pet theories, we have a report that must be treated with a degree of suspicion as to what it is advising as the root cause of many of these issues.
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My experience is that there are so many pressures on working parents these days that it is becoming increasingly hard to do a good job as a parent. In UK most parents are out working full time (8 till late) just in order to survive and put enough food on the table - let alone have any concept of a quality of life experience with their kids. I sometimes wonder what world the politicians are living in - it isn't one I recognize.
This is a very complex topic though. A lot of it is down to fundamental pressures on people these days. What we experience as every day life in the UK today is the result of policies that were made 25 or more years ago. These problems are not going to be solved over night. A lot of what this report is about seems to be basic common sense really.
I have noticed a lot of aggressive behaviour in adults too, and this so often is displayed in the kids. You can always tell what the parents will be like from the kids and vice versa.
Things are definitely going in the wrong direction in the UK, but I don't see this being turned around any time too soon - the problems are too deep-rooted in society.
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Sounds spot on.
Although not a traditionalist, just what some of us have been saying for the last 20 years.
As we are not paid to 'spot the rot', we must surely ask why have those 'paid in post' to ensure the welfare of our children at national levels, been so blind, deaf and dumb and unwilling to discuss?
So much for the policies such as Welfare of the Child, or Raising Childrens Standards of Education, Child Poverty etc.
How many billions squandered to date, in getting the emphasis and directions so very wrong?
As for 'personal self interest', NOBODY is ENTITLED to a LIFESTYLE.
It is a CHOICE.
We should all remember, when we have children, we have a DUTY of CARE towards them and their interests, now and in the future.
It used to be called things like love, good parenting etc now I guess in these 'credit crunched' days, we will have a new decree that we should all be "Socially Responsible".
Perhaps those in Education and Child Welfare should do the 'socially responsible' thing and WALK?!
Let the unemployed parents with more brains and common sense than most politicians and 'know it alls', take their jobs show them how it is done.
We reap what we sow. Look after our children and the future can be bright.
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Well yes, but shouldn't the BBC's home editor use elicit instead of illicit in his first sentence? And what's provocative about the report's title? It merely suggests a supermarket of values, a concept that's been doing the rounds for a while.
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it's not a suprise - the parents of today's unhappy children are Thatchers spawn - some of us rebelled againts the selfish and greedy dictum (and decided no to have children either so as not to add to the problem..) but many got their 'right to buy' front door and closed it against the needs and comfort of the outside world - me me me - so many times ive seen 'adults' throw rubbish , swear at others in traffic, step over the homeless and think - what are their children learning? Add to that a diet of Eastenders/Big Brother/wife swap etc etc - and the poor kids think that no one can converse without losing control, loyalty means nothing - i can think of not one tv soap marriage that one or both parties hasnt been unfaithful - this is the world we show them - we buy them 'toys' that isolate and alienate - they know how to have 150 facebook friends but not how to have real freinds, Id like to think there will be a cultural revolution but i wont hold my breath.
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Children do need their parents and caregiver attention in general, but there are ways to achieve this without parents having to give up on their life and women going back to being housewives. We could have more nurseries close to the work place, the possibility for BOTh parents to work less hours, involving grandparents more (as many east european societies do). An earlier retirement or a increase in pension for grandparent contributing to raising children seems a better idea than giving up on one's career at 30.
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Let's see, could it possibly be... that for the first time we're thinking (far, far too much) about the happiness of children because we no longer need to think so much about providing basics for them and bringing them up to be sensible, wage-earning adults?
I can't believe the ban for advertising to under-12s. The fact that toy adverts have become too politically incorrect is ludicrous.
The reason why dysfunctional children come from lone parents is not because lone parenting is bad in general. It's because that figure is skewed by bad teenage mothers in council flats. Stop these people reproducing and you'd have happier children simply because more of them are actually planned and wanted.
As for young adolescents - if you're not doing enough to keep busy (i.e. getting a job, concentrating on study), then you have time to think too much. If they occupied their minds with something other than introspection, they'd be a lot less unhappy. Our society now focuses on thinking and talking about our emotions very openly, which is good in some ways, but as we're not encouraged to distract ourselves instead (this is apparently "repression"), you have problems arising from simply thinking too much. This is coming from someone who had a miserable teenagerhood and is looking back, by the way.
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I wonder if, when writing about "income inequality", these ivory-tower socialists had in mind those evil nasty City types in their DB9s, or the wildcat strikers out in the cold at Sellafield?
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The problems are simply the result of a naive welfare system that rewards people for breeding without responsibility. Instead of throwing yet more money at the issue like this useless excuse for a government have been doing, making everything far worse, instead we should:
- Stop all child benefits after the first/second child.
- Offer a national sterilisation incentive for people aged 18-40, offering them £3000 each to do so - the first people in the queue will be those who shouldn't be breeding in the first place (heroin addicts etc) and in the long run this will save us billions.
- Remove the automatic right to council housing for mothers under the age of 23.
This won't solve the problem overnight and there will be a "lost generation" caused by Labour's unwillingness to face up to the issues. But until you change the fact that breeding is an alternative lifestyle choice to working there will always be people who do it, regardless of the consequences, and regardless of what happens to the children involved.
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What exactly does it mean, that "women's financial independence has contributed to family break-up"? Financial independence has certainly helped women to leave loveless or even abusive marriages that they would have been shackled to in the past. Without more explanation this article suggests that break-ups should be avoided even if it costs one partner's freedom, and that children are always better off in the family model where only one parent, ie. the father, has independence, even if that means that the other sacrifices her own education and development potential. Past reports have concluded that the education and advancement of the mother is key to children's well-being and attainment, so by the BBC's reporting this study is at odds with received wisdom.
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Are we allowed to see the full report? Download it? I can only see "summaries". I would very much like to know how you get from a diagnosis of the problem (children are more anxious, or less trusting) to the proposed solutions (abolish SATs and league tables, for example). Where is the evidence supposedly supporting these ideas, which reek to high heaven of ideology?
It's one thing to say we have a problem. Perhaps we do. It's entirely another to suggest that the government can fix it, least of all by tampering (yet again) with education policy.
It feels to me as if lots of people have taken advantage of the report to throw their pet political ideas and hates into a giant grab-bag.
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This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.
I haven't read the full report yet as I guess have none of the other bloggers, but what the summary Mark Easton gives suggests is that marital breakdown is blamed for the deteriorating welfare of the nation's children. This allows the sanctimonious to withdraw support from single parents. With one in four women experiencing domestic violence, no wonder marriages are breaking down. The rate of reporting of domestic violence is on the increase. It is not known if this means there is more violence against women now, or if women are simply feeling more able to come forward and report it, given public awareness campaigns. Children being raised by lone parents are statistically more likely to have experienced domestic violence the result of which led the mothers to seek a better life for their children away from their abusive spouses. Those women who have the courage to call those relationships to an end should be supported. It is not BECAUSE a person is a lone parent that the children suffer low self-esteem etc but BECAUSE of the factors that led that parent to decide to raise their children alone.
A report on the family which fails to deal with the impact of domestic violence on children and on society as a whole has missed the glaring issue.
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Tables showing problem X is more frequent in family structure Y are interesting but not definitive.
For example...
Behavioural problems can run in families - either due to genetics or upbringing.
If mom has a personality disorder then the child is more likely to have one AND mom is more likely to have failing relationships.
Mother's personality disorder causes both behavioural problems in child and single parent status for the mother, NOT single parent status causes behavioural problems.
Other hypotheses can be put forward, but you've discussed personality disorder in the past, so there's one based on PD.
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I try to comment from my angle / a little different point of view, dear Mark Easton.
Over Christmas my partner's mother asked me: "What about bambini - children?", which for a British person I found very direct - but also quite rude the way she asked it. Hello, I thought - what's this?
I love children. Friends in Germany where I grew up always thought I'd work for and with children - but I wanted to study - and became more academic which I am not sure if that was the best thing. Anyway, in Britain I would not want to bring up children. In Wales, where we live there is no woman my age with the same interests. If I had a child I had to meet these other women with whose values I cannot relate to. I would not fit in with a child. My partner's mother looks after one grandchild who never knows who takes her to school the next day. The parents both work. I did a school exchange in the 80s and I noticed how different childhood was then in the UK to the childhood in Germany. I always played. School was over at ten past one. My mum always cooked a healthy meal when I came home. It was nice. I greeted the neighbours. Here in the Welsh town the children look down. They are shy and it has its reasons. I blame society, politicians, teachers, churches with their stange ideas.
Also, I think the children who are small today are children of parents who had a sad childhood themselves. It is just getting worse.
It depends where the children grow up to. The answer? I do not know.
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I try to comment from my angle / a little different point of view, dear Mark Easton.
Over Christmas my partner's mother asked me: "What about bambini - children?", which for a British person I found very direct - but also quite rude the way she asked it. Hello, I thought - what's this?
I love children. Friends in Germany where I grew up always thought I'd work for and with children - but I wanted to study - and became more academic which I am not sure if that was the best thing. Anyway, in Britain I would not want to bring up children. In Wales, where we live there is no woman my age with the same interests. If I had a child I had to meet these other women with whose values I cannot relate to. I would not fit in with a child. My partner's mother looks after one grandchild who never knows who takes her to school the next day. The parents both work. I did a school exchange in the 80s and I noticed how different childhood was then in the UK to the childhood in Germany. I always played. School was over at ten past one. My mum always cooked a healthy meal when I came home. It was nice. I greeted the neighbours. Here in the Welsh town the children look down. They are shy and it has its reasons. I blame society, politicians, teachers, churches with their strange ideas.
Also, I think the children who are small today are children of parents who had a sad childhood themselves. It is just getting worse.
It depends where the children grow up to. The answer? I do not know.
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We have a daughter who is a single parent mum, with the most wonderful and fabulous grandson that anyone could want.
He has had two stand-in 'daddies', both of whom have been first class young men of the highest personal calibre, and he and they all treasure each other.
He also has grandparents, ourselves, who are as close as families used to be in the days when three generations used to live in the same home, or in countries where it's conventional for grandparents to care for children.
It's not marriage, it's not a legal contract, it's not a formality that counts. It's far, far simpler than that, it's nice older people caring for nice young people, whoever they are.
Caring and love and devotion of time count for more than anything else. And it shows in every way in both the young and the old.
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It's media coverage like this which pressurises couples into staying together "for the sake of the children" long after they should have broken up. My parents did this. Their marriage started falling apart when I was four or five, but they stuck it out until I was turning sixteen, when I had the helpful experience of watching my father kick my mother down the stairs. An abusive marriage is not good for the partners, and it's certainly not good for the children to witness, not to mention that people who abuse their partners are usually abusive towards the children as well. My childhood was unhappy and I suffered stress-related illness as a result of picking up on what was happening in my parents' marriage. I severed contact with my father during the divorce proceedings, something I've always been perfectly happy about but have been under family and social pressure to retract. I've also lost almost all memories of him (those that remain are deeply distressing). My relationship with my mother was not improved by all of this. My first few romantic relationships were a mess, as the relationship model I had learnt at home was destructive, teaching me that it was normal to put up with abusive behaviour. I am glad to say that both my mother and myself found wonderful partners in the end, but I am still resentful that we went through all of this. I just wish that she'd divorced my father and married my stepfather twelve years earlier. Before you think this is an exception, remember that domestic abuse is the most common reason for relationship breakdown.
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I see once more the single working mother gets demonised by the so-called 'experts'!!
We can't win, if we work we are neglecting our children and if we stay at home to bring up our children, we are state- scrounging spongers!!
I didn't choose to go back to work I had to so that I could house, feed and clothe my children. As for emotinally damaging them by splitting up with their father, wouldn't it have been even more damaging to stay married to a violent alchoholic bully who used me as a punch bag and didn't care whther the kids saw this kind of abuse or not.
Quite frankly, I am disgusted that once more parents like myself have yet another slab of gulit dropped on them, most of us have enough of that as it is.
Come on give us a break!!
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As a teacher in an inner city school I can say with some authority that the problems with and for kids are increasing and have been for many years.
However, I would suggest the rot set in many years ago and it probably hit the current generation of younger parents first...they have grown up suffering the effects of dysfunctional homes etc...and are now passing that on to the current generation.
It is interesting that the charity 'Families Need Fathers' have argued the need for UK Law to remove it's antangonism towards fathers but have made little headway against a system that effectively argues that fathers are irrelevant apart from being an income stream for the family.
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While there are good reasons why some families need to breakdown. I do believe that a sharp decline in values in society as a whole has contributed to the report and most of its findings if honest with ones self are right.
Everyone must work to own to in turn not be left behind in a society that is speeding up at such a rate values of family have been put in a box and left in the cupboard, as we have all left simple beliefs behind being to swept up in things to concerned with self.
Mark at what point in time did the family shatter? 50' 60's 70's 80's? as its been going on for a while, is the nature of consumerism to blame ? the we must grow as a country at all costs?. Or can we blame the rise in alcohol making for a more carefree society were families can be destroyed with a few jars at the local then with ease inhibitions go out the window and society becomes a hedonistic garden for us to play in.
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Anyone to whom this was actually 'News' has been living on a different planet.
I'd suggest that the majority of parents do at least a reasonably good job of bringing their children up. The problem is with the minority (20%?) where, for reasons the report goes into, the child's upbringing is less than ideal.
And the answer to the problem doesn't lie with exhorting those parents to bring their children up better. That on its own will have no effect.
The answer is to create a social environment where the family unit is strongly encouraged (as in, financial sticks and carrots) and where fecklessness and casual conception is strongly discouraged (again, with strong financial and other sticks and carrots).
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So children from broken homes tend to do worse than children from stable families. However, there is no analysis of cause and effect. Is it being in a one parent or step-parent family that causes the problem, or was it the fighting and arguments earlier in their life that caused it? If the former then perhaps the family should have stayed together for the sake of the children, if the latter then they should probably have split up sooner. The reality is that for some couples it is the first and for some the second, and maybe for some they actually split up at exactly the right time to minimise any damage, who can say.
The problem with this type of research is that you can apply the facts in many different ways to come to your conclusions. It should come as no surprise that the facts in this case are presented in a way that supports the agenda of the writer.
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Kids don't need tv and computer games. That is the last thing they need. Get them out climbing trees and having fun. Let them fall around the playground. Take off the cotton wool from your little darling and watch them grow.
Pay for them yourself. They are expensive. Stop looking to those who choose not to have kids to fork out for yours. That is a life lesson for your kids.
Look after them yourself too.
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Stranded at home in the snow, through my window I can see loads of kids with mums and with dads having the time of their lives - it's free, it's active, it's probably doing more good than a month's worth of literacy and numeracy hours. Wake up and smell the coffee?
Yes, the 80s culture and its lack of morality and common sense, has had its effect on parenting:
Spending and consuming, rather than living. Switching on tv, games and pc's involves switching off the sociable parts of the brain.
But don't blame the easy target - the single mum (of course, the church will be, behind the scenes, urging coupledom as the panacea for all ills)- it's probably the less well off sm's who are struggling with their kids - and their own upbringing will have a lot to do with their own journey, where having a kid and a council home looks like a good option. (when are we going to review this deeply damaging housing policy, by the way - the elephant in the room)
We need to help today's 9 - 16 yr olds to raise their sights, to save the next generation - and that means their mums and dads too. Who would dare to publish and teach some evidence based sociology and parenting for this age group? (and no churches involved please)
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Being a working mother in a loving, happy, UNmarried relationship with my daughters' father, I do miss being with my children.
My partner is a stay-at-home Dad after being made redundant a few years ago and is great at it, but I still wish I could be there with them. However, one of us needs to earn some money, and it was easier for me to continue working as my job was better paid anyway.
If more men were less threatened by their wives/partners being the bread-winner or earning more than them, they could take over the homemaker role.
However, this is not the whole answer. I still do not get much quality time with my children during the week. If the only quality time I can spend with my kids is 1-2 hours in the evening, of course they are going to feel they are missing out. But at least they know that I love them. And I have to take issue with the cohabiting statistics. My kids are among the smartest in both their classes.
At the very least, we need more flexible working hours as law.
On the other hand, I do agree with djlazarus on the sterilisation thing. So many people who clearly have no idea how to raise a child are having them without a thought for the consequences. It breaks my heart to see ignored and unhappy children, or worse.
The one thing that does make me chuckle is that this report has come out not long after the government has spent a good few months demonising the unemployed and saying that EVERYONE should be in work. "There should be help to get new mothers back to work etc..." How to reconcile that?
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As a Scout Leader I usually get the better well educated children. However I can see first hand the problems divorce causes. The emotional scars run deep and last.
These problems have been a long time building. The pressures on parents to just afford a roof over your head puts enormous pressure on married life.
In short the Government just encouraging greater population growth just increases the pressure on housing and the law of supply and demand kicks in. Also the law of survival of the fittest works as well. Those able to earn a good living will get richer. Once on a rising property ladder no one looks back at who cannot get on it.
Also a lack of self disipline, taking responsibility for your own actions and a rampent individual selfishness has contributed to the stresses children feel.
Add to this the increase of high technology. From an early age we expose children to machines that do all the tinking for them. They no longer have to work things out for themselves. Calculators tell them how to add up. Computers and the internet give them all the answers. They no longer have to think for themselves.
In short children cannot reason for themselves very well in situations where they don't have instant answers.
Baden Powell published a book over 100 years ago that created a youth movement that spans the globe. Its members are usually well balaced happy children. Perhaps our politicians should purchase a copy and start reading it.
It proposed a system of self education outside school that is cheap, egalitarian, simple to do and fun. Also only 6 countries in the world have failed to embrace it.
Parents seemed to have forgotten that children just want to have simple fun. They need adults around them who can let that happen.
Every child once out of school should be encouraged to join a club or organisation that helps them make friends outside School. Not just on the internet. Real human contact. It is only by having to cope with the real humans and learning to get along that kids will feel happier.
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Of course no one does the right thing by kids. Our behaviour is proscribed by the authorities. We cannot make the right decision, we have given that up to others.
A lot of people do have quite moral beliefs. The problem today is expressing them. Surely a lack of individuality would repress them rather than too much of it? These days we are all too busy keeping up with the Joneses to be our own persons.
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This proves nothing, in my opinion and is actually quackery/religion dressed up as fact. Why is the Church so keen on getting involved in politics these days?
It is not certain types of families that create unhappiness and poverty. It is not individual freedoms (which often lead to personal fullfillment and happiness) that cause children's unhappiness.
Children were a lot poorer and had a lot less in my grandmother's childhood and yet were happier. A lot of low-income families had two parents working to survive, just as now and yet the children were content. Why?
Bad diets, lack of excercise, lack of fresh air, lack of real friends and no hobbies cause the unhappiness and boredom a lot of children face. look at those countries with high levels of child happiness - Scandinavia scores highly. Children are protected from adverts by law, have a good diet, are physically active, and most families have 2 parents working.
I think you'll also find that a lot of the children in single-parent and step-family scenarios are more common the lower down the social spectrum you get. It is the general misery of the situation that causes the child unhappiness, not the family structure they are born into.
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DEMOGRAPHIC WARFARE
One won't reduce endemic narcissism or dysgenesis through environmental intervention unless such interventions changes the breeding pattern of the population. The Liberal-Democracies have dysgenic, differential, fertility. Liberal-Democracy is the problem, Statism the solution (cf. the PRC). Sadly, we have spent generations vilifying the solution since WWII, which has been very clever of 'the enemy' if one thinks about it.
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I was a really unhappy child. And I know a few others were too. Only difference is I don't recollect ever being asked if I was or realising it was ever a consideration!
I don't really think kids are worse off these days. We just like reports.
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from the excerpt i've seen of this report, i would say i agree !!! My husband and i decided that when we had children one of us would stay home to be a consistent presence for them in their early years. We were sneered at and ridiculed for this decision from some surprising places. We felt that parenting is one of the most important roles our society has and is hugely undervalued.
We suffered both socially and financially as a result - facing many awkward silences from others who ask'so, what do you do?' - meaning what job do i do, and when i or my hubby answered that i was a full-time mum, the comment i often received was - 'oh, so you don't work, then!' and would pass on to someone else to talk to. Whereas, if i had decided to 'go to work' (a phrase i came to loathe - as it implied i did not work at home !) I would have received financial aid from our government to provide child-care in a nursery. Would it not have made sense to redirect this offered help to us as a family and aid me to care for my own child ??!!?? Surely it's not rocket science to see that the primary care-giver to any child should first and foremost be the ones who decided to give them life in the first place !!!
I consider it a priviledge to be a parent - it is one of the most demanding and rewarding jobs. My son is now 20 and following his career choice succesfully, and my daughter 12 - they have not been without problems and challenges in their lives, and we do not claim to be perfect parents - we are only too aware of our short-comings, but we have always been there for them - they know we love them unconditionally, and will always be supportive.
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A root cause is the fundamental imbalance in rights and checks by public bodies. In early 2004 my company collapsed. Under stress, I had a row with my wife and she stormed out my my 6-month old daughter. The row was noisy but there was no violence.
Next thing I know she has been given a place in a refuge, followed by a 3 bed council house 6 weeks later all based on a story no-one even checked with me was true. Reconciliation wasn't even discussed. At the time I couldn't compete as I lost the house when the company went - but I wasn't allowed to live in the council house so we became permanently separated.
Since then I have been fighting a losing battle to even see my 5 year old daughter and haven't seen her for a year. Legal Aid recently paid for her to initiate divorce but not for me to achieve contact with my daughter.
It seems the various public bodies are far too ready to split families up, give mums better support than they can earn for themselves (my ex-wife is still on benefits 5 years later) and generally get in the way of reconciliation.
End result is a much higher cost to the taxpayer, ruined lives for millions of children and higher levels of juvenile and adult crime.
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#33. Forgot to add -
Families need Fathers is an excellent non-fanatical resource to help fathers bring families back together and stay in contact with their children.
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I blame the workplace and current employment practices, which are extremely anti-family. Generally speaking, employers want their employees at the office 5 days a week, 8 hours a day, and I have seen jobs advertised that specifically asked for 24/7 availability. Most part-time jobs are low pay and because most people have a longish commute to work, not workable for parents since children need to be picked up from school on time. So, bottom line is that either dad is the main breadwinner and mum stays at home, which does not suit everyone for all sorts of reasons, or both parents work and in particular women bear the brunt of this heavy commitment since they end up doing all the childcare and the homechorse in their spare time. If employers were more flexible (but then again they are men so they don't usually want to get involved in either childcare or housework), children could be looked after properly by their parents.
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I think the report contains a lot of sense and a lot of truth which our society should heed.
Yes, life has become much harder for children and it IS connected with the different pressures in modern society, including family breakdown, materialism, the demands placed on children and the way society actually marginalises them whilst appearing to pander to every need.
I think the main problem does lie with the increasing selfishness of modern society, a downhill slope that Thatcher certainly accelerated. This manifests itself in several ways: people are much more likely to be preoccupied pursuing their own goals (and yes, this does include parents 'fulfilling themselves' at the expense of their own children) and much less likely to concern themselves with others. This is part of the problem for single parent families - of course it's easier to bring up children with 2 people than with one but the problem for single parents is magnified by the fact that we have lost a sense of community responsibility for children.
This is also apparent in the intolerant attitude to children in public places: a child crying on a bus is much more likely to evoke tut-tutting and 'why don't you shut that child up?' responses than sympathy (most parents have been there), let alone offers of help.
And the extreme tragedies of high profile child abuse cases would surely become less likely if society felt more responsible for the well-being of all its children.
Once they become adolescents young people suffer again from the very negative view, fuelled by the tabloid press, that most of them are illiterate, drunken crime-ridden yobs. They are expected to achieve well in tests that are still very weighted to the academically gifted whilst at the same time those results are belittled and devalued (viz the annual outcry about falling GCSE and A level standards). Meanwhile they know that their chances of getting a job or the training that suits their particular aptitudes are receding.
Those that do have serious problems of whatever nature will find that children's social care almost certainly has nothing to offer them. Certainly not proper support should they need high level services like reception into care.
Above all, our society needs to welcome children and young people back into the mainstream of British society, valued for the contribution they can and do make and above all listened to when they have something to say.
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Well, well well, somebody has spoken out at last despite political correctness and the feminist lobby!! Anglo Saxon societies have major problems from the cult of pervasive individualism. Australia, where I live is the same, if not worse. Young single mothers abound and children are seen as accessories which can be had after 35! Mums love to go back to 'fulfilling' high pressure careers after depositing the newborn a month after birth in a creche! Yes, there are mums who stay at home and mums who need to work but there is a pervaisive culture of women viewing motherhood as an add-on to be shared with partners (if only dads could share pregnancies too!). A very sorry tale indeed.
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I BLAME THE GOVERNMENT FORCING MOTHERS TO GO OUT TO WORK.
Instead of helping mothers to look after young children, they are forced to go out to work mostly in low paid jobs. Leaving children to be looked after by child minders or other strangers. When they come home tired after work they havent the energy to care for their children.
For lone parents this is an impossible task to do. Even adolescents need a watchful parent to prevent them from getting into drug use or crime or gangs.
It's alright for well paid professional or business parents, single or married who can afford nannies and home helps.
It is the children who suffer by being deprived from the loving care of a parent.
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Evidence based? Seriously? I'd just love to know what exactly the evidence is for a "civil birth ceremony".
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mmm - well yes. I also blame the parents who care little for their children, but as #13 and #17 have both stated, caring and being married are NOT the same thing.
And PLEASE can we stop this "working mothers" rubbish. We are talking about PARENTS. There are all kinds of combinations that work and ALL of them have caring adults involved, be they men, women , grandparents, other family members ad infinitum.
As for having "birth ceremonies" to turn people into caring parents, do "marriage ceremonies" keep couples together?
Women's economic independance has contributed to family break up, I am sure; it has probably also contributed to an improved happines for MANY women and children. (or possibly we could try something new and make men economically dependant on women....?)
I had two very caring parents who separated and divorced. This did not stop either of them caring about their children
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My take on the report is that there should be a presumption that couples who have children should get married because statistically speaking the percentage of married couples with children that stay together is much higher than couples who don't marry. Secondly that it is best for the children in most cases if they have two parents (potentially twice the capacity for child care, emotional support support from parents etc). Another belief lying behindthis argument is that parents see enough of their children to provide emotional and moral support to their children.
This position is standard across most of the west and across the world. It is not difficult to understand and is an approach to child rearing that has stood the test of time.
Of course sadly there are cases of domestic violence & incompatibility between parents though these days couples would not stay together if this is the case unlike in prevous generations because there is a wide acceptance of couples divorcing even with v young children. Therefore the argument in support of single parenthood based on damaging pressures from society when those pressures are known no longer exist is no longer relevant.
Today's western society has difficulties with marriage as a long term concern when children are concerned as the belief in sacrifice for the benefit of someone else (the children) has been lost. But not totally forgotten altogether as is proved by the anger and hostiilty of some commentators when a degree of self sacrifice is suggested.
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My immediate (and so not fully considered) reaction is that a part of what the report is suggesting - rightly to my mind, in respect of the importance of the role of the father as well as that of the mother - is wholly at variance with the conduct of the CSA and the Family Courts, which both consistently fail to allow the father a role. They both effectively "criminalise" (certainly they stigmatise) the father and pay no heed to the fact that their decisions explicitly or implicitly preclude the father from effective participation.
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The day this country opened the door to sunday opening and extended opening hours we chose consumerism over the family.
A day of rest (not a religious day) is a social day for all. Only the companies benefitted and now they're struggling and making people redundant.
Monday to Saturday with extended hours for essential shopping etc is more than enough.
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I would draw attention to what I have observed in UK communities as the phenomenon of "disconnect between generations". In a nutshell, where there is little time spent between children and their grandparents. Wisdom does not come cheaply and the personal connection with all related elders in both sets of a Childs family has for me, "added value". My wife and I are foster carers (we have 3 birth children of our own all in university now). We have had 35 placements over 10 years and currently have adopted 2 children from "damaged" backgrounds. As a school governor I have had the privilege to attend school lessons as an independent observer. I would hope those of any faith system would at least (for the sake of loving the next generation) be able to re-visit the phenomena of disconnect to which I refer. Thank you.
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I think the thing that upset me most about this report is that they assumed that women think "sod staying home with the kids; I want financial independence!" The people who wrote that report must be so out of touch with average families (and average incomes) to even think that staying home is an option for the rest of us. I don't know many people who can afford to have a child, let alone use their full maternity leave entitlement. Perhaps somebody could tell us how many children the report's authors have and whether any of their children are under ten? That would at least tell us whether they have recent, relevant experience.
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I am trying to comment to this from my point of view as well. I wasn't always a single mother and I didn't chose to be one ever. One day my well educated husband decided to walk out on us because we didn't fit in the picture anymore. We were told he need to go away from us to relax because the phisical image does not fit with his standards anymore.
Luckily it was my first year of work after many years of study to become an engineer. In the meantime I had to place my children in Nursery and After School Clubs to be able to cope with the study and the wife role as well. My husband wouldn't care for the children because he had to deal with his hobbies and later on his afairs.
We've been abandoned for the carer from the last After School Club my children attended to. Because she was skinier and she didn't have too many obligations. When I complained to the Children's Authority that I discovered that she was having an affair with my husband while my kids were at the club, I've been told I don't have a case.
Our children spend more that 6 hours in the school, extra care environment. If they see damaged moral and lies within that environment, they will react the same way.
As a working single Mum I need to re-build the shattered image their father and their Carer managed to destroy within them at such a young age. And I also need to work to provide for them: house, clothes, food, fun, entertainment.
First of all Society should look at the real reasons a family breaks. I managed to reach a good status in my profession and my kids are well taken care off, even though my ex is completely ignoring them financialy or moraly. I wish the right people should take action towards the real cause of the problem and not attack the survivors.
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'Childhood' is the period prior to reproductive capacity. As such, a successful childhood should prepare the ground for success in mating, with all the implications that modern society places on that.
I think it's facile to provide one formula for 'childhood'. Just as it's never going to be uniform in adulthood.
For children whose adult lives will be practical, then co-ordination, trial and error and skills underpinning apprenticeship are important.
For those for whom more esoteric activities are indicated, then maybe childhood must be different in some respects.
The only constant I can find is this: children need validation from parents, or if not from them, those who behave like that. To truly be comfortable in a competitive, alien world, unconditional acceptance is required first.
That doesn't require 4 hours a day. It requires four demonstrations a day. Preferably by BOTH parents. In sex-specific ways........
I have to say my non-statistical sampling of families in town, on trains and buses etc says that a lot of parents don't understand children if they expect them to be quiet and still for 2hrs plus on a train. Children have energy, they are exuberant, they are not monks and they are not meditators. They have short attention spans and running up a train carriage is normal behaviour. To be smiled about to the parents, even if they are slightly embarrassed........
They don't understand children if they think that shouting at them is the way to influence them. I've yet to see a child whose response to that is anything other than continued whining or an uncomprehending submission, with just a little bit of their innocent spirit broken as a result........
Problem as I see it also is that children aren't allowed bumps and bruises any more. Cycling round the block? NEVER. Playing football on the common after school?? LOCK THE PARENTS UP AS NEGLIGENT CRIMINALS! Pinching a Mars bar from the sweet shop? 6 months psychotherapy, not handing over their pocket money for the week to the affected proprietor.........
Adult neuroses beget childhood deficiencies........'the sins of the father are visited upon the son.......'
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"Why is the Church so keen on getting involved in politics these days?" That's been going on for some time, you'll find.
I suspect the report is a bit like this comment page. Everyone and his dog has thrown in their pet theory about what's gone wrong. "80s culture" and "Thatcherism" seem to be particular favourites, along with some batty excursions into "demographic warfare" and moaning about the terrible effects of technology (I can only weep about the wicked effects that the Atari console had on my childhood).
EVIDENCE. Where's the evidence? Correlation is not causality!
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I find this whole thing so depressing.
My wife and I both work in white collar jobs and we do our utmost to bring our two children up in a positive way. We are not practising Christians, but we strive to maintain these values.
Neither of us would deny that the pressures of our working environments and daily lives do not adversely impact upon our home life and that can result in a more aggresive stance with our kids.
We are also both very sorely conscious that the working environment our kids are going to enter is a very harsh, competitive and aggresive one. Are we supposed to stand by and let them be destroyed by a heartless system? Or do we condition them to compete and adopt a similar approach?
We are trying to steer the middle ground, but I do not need some bunch of well intentioned academics reminding me of how unhappy my children are with the pressures that "the system" places on them, or what a dismal job we parents are allegedly doing.
PS: Have you seriously ever tried to get a Parenting class that fits in with a normal working person's life????
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Im sorry but had to comment on this one. Where have all these professors been living for the past 40 years.
How can they say that children now have it hard. Why because they cant have a Play Station 3 and an X Box 360 with a PSP to use whn travelling boo hoo !!
I am afraid that the reason our children are thinking they are having it tough is because it is being jammed down their throats that they are having a hard time of things. They have never experienced hard.
Lets face it, I am 40 years old and even I cant say I had it hard that even includes when I use to have my pants made for me by my mother back in the 70's.
We had to do things like read for entertainment and play kick the can and British Bull Dog.
And when we got told to move off the local beat police man we moved or we got a clip. Plus the School had control over me if my teachers said jump I dare not say how high for the punishment was never nice.
Why is there always excuses for bad parenting and poorly behaved children.
Even for obesity people want to blame the goverment over the problem.
Its not the goverment that made the video games that have been bought by families that then go out and buy fast food cos they are too busy to spend time with their children.
My advice turn off the TV turn on the slow cooker in the morning get home at night get out a game of scrabble spend some quality time with your kids this does far more for them than giving them their own way and putting all they ned in their room.
Believe me I have done it paid the price and now have fought tooth an nail with my daughter to get her back on track its been a hard slog I only wish I had listened to my mother when she told me you will be sorry spoling her like that.
Mother how right you were !!!!!!
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Well I would never say anyone should stay together ' for the sake of the children' .......but when couples part there are far too many women who seem to view the child as their 'property' and because of that they do everything they can to ensure the father cannot see the child any more.
I have not seen my daughter since she was five years old because of a wife like that......(she is 16 now) she moved three hundred miles away and deliberately made it impossible for me to have contact with my daughter. My solicitor at the time said it would probably cost me about another £5000 to sort out my rights to see my daughter because that doesn't get sorted out during the divorce.
I do not understand how a supposedly decent, 'caring' society can allow women to get away with it.
I can certainly understand the men who belong to the 'families need fathers' group who do all those stupid stunts trying to get some attention....but they are completely ignored ....nobody cares. nobody is interested. Nobody thinks it's important.
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There's always a reactionary view to any statistics suggesting there's an advantage to a traditional "nuclear" family model over lone parent / cohabiting couple / step parenting situation.
Its interesting to consider that the figures quoted are themselves likely to be skewed by the fact that the alternative is never likely to be explored.
For example , if all cohabiting couples were suddenly to get married. Or if 90% of lone parents (with estranged ex partners) to get married and move in together then suddenly the problem index in children of married couples would rise.
Its a complex issue oversimplified by various vested interests with their own agendas, namely they are right and their opponents are wrong.
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I totally agree with the findings of the study. Myself and my husband struggle to make sure that one of us is at home to be there for the children. This is not easy; we have lost status and money because of it. This means we cannot afford as much, but we do offer time and support when our children need it.
The 'have it all' culture is flawed and the children of Britain pay the price. We cannot buy our way out of this problem. The answer is simple, but not easy, juggle your lives and make sure someone is there for your children - they need time more than you need status and more than they need the latest gadget/expensive holiday.
No doubt there are some who fail to see that their actions harm their children. They are in denial.
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Someone somewhere had to say "the Emperor has no clothes" Reports like this highlight the tragic plight of a generation of children fobbed off with selfish adults demanding their rights without considering the effects on their children. We have made them grow up too quick and shown them the only life worth living is looking after No 1. They have witnessed breakdown , anger, greed and promiscuity from those around them who should be their role models. We have substituted high tech electronic games, mobile phones and cash instead of time with the close family i.e. a mum, dad, brothers and sisters, but also the wider family and communities they belong to
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Interesting that this report is published on the same day that much of the nation is off work for a 'snow day'. At the park this morning, it was fantastic to see so many kids having fun with one or both of their parents - it's days like this kids remember, not just for the snow, but also for the memories of quality time spent with their parents.
I'm not suggesting every day can be like this (far from it!) but I am of the opinion that if parents can spend the time they have with their children actually doing something constructive and enjoyable, rather than just inhabiting the same space as them, then perhaps it shouldn't matter whether the rest of the time mothers are working / single / married to a step-parent, etc.
I think it's about enjoying the time you have with your children so that they feel valued and nurtured.
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#1,
If you have an issue with any of the points made by the report please set them out and provide an argument and the evidence against them.
It is very tedious to read unsupported dismissals of reports just because they don't go along with one view point or another.
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This is the root cause of the problem is that society in these modern times still believes that having children is a right, where in fact it should be a privilege.
Education or lack thereof is a significant issue. Many parents are not aware of the scale of the responsibilities they are taking on, e.g. the amount of time and effort required (sacrifice of personal lifestyle), as well as the emotional and financial requirements. When they become parents, they discover they are not really equipped for this to the extend to provide 100% of a child’s needs, and as a results the child suffers. Many years are spend through school teaching children basics such as maths and English, but almost nothing about this aspect of their future lives. If you are not prepared for a maths test there is little consequence, but if you are not prepared adequately prepared to be a parent you can ruin a persons life.
Feminism has also played a large part – a woman’s traditional role was that of a home-maker and mother and as such she was taught from an early age what to expect as well as the relevant skills. Now women are choosing to work and have their own individualistic goals. This often leads to resentment when they realise what level of sacrifice they actually need to make for their children.
The media & advertising industries also have a huge and detrimental effect, which is all part of a related and cyclical effect, although that is another issue.
Prospective parents before they are allowed to have children, should be made to prove they are eligible to do so, and that includes being financially sound!
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Finally!!
It seems like common sense has had a victory over political correctness!
Is it too much too hope that the we can return to the good aspects of the 1950's values of the traditional family and appreciation of morals?
Up yours to the liberals and the pollitically correct crowd!
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Feels a bit risky wading in on this one, makes a change from heartfelt sports debate!
I'm a Christian, have two pre-school kids and we're lucky in that my wife doesn't have to work.
Here are some random thoughts:
- I hate the fact that single parents are made to feel guilty (especially by the church, which is supposed to be about relieving guilt)
- The fact that correlation doesn't imply causality is a good point. I wonder whether those numbers were adjusted to take in to account other key demographic factors? I also wonder what percentage of children who eat a roast meal every week have learning difficulties?
- Neuter segments of society? Really? Democracy is crazily scary. I hope that kind of view never becomes a majority.
- Some of the reports proposals (civil birth ceremony) seem a bit weak although I guess these are only supposed to get us thinking.
- I do believe that a stable loving family is beneficial to children. I'm not sure anyone is expressing anything different. However, I think that the idea you can promote this using tax breaks / penalties is at best weak thinking. Love holds people together. There are many heartbreaking reasons why families / relationships break down but the idea these can be remedied with a few quid is offensive.
- Yes. Let's be less selfish, more loving, more giving. Now how do you legislate for that exactly? Perhaps we could set up a government watchdog, Ofmorals perhaps? Individuals could be assessed against weekly selflessness targets. Each time you do something good for the community you'd need to fill out a form ...
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Why has it taken a panel of 11 to work out what the majority of the population already knew!
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My final observation on this: everybody seems to be connecting "selfishness" with Thatcherism. This is ignorant nonsense. The cult of the individual and "self-fulfilment" are a postwar phenomenon long predating Thatcher, who was more of a traditionalist on social issues.
If this really is about self-absorbed parents failing to raise their children properly (evidence?!), then the government sure as hell can't fix it. It's up to people themselves.
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There never seems to be any debate or publicity of the advantages of remaining child free.
I'm convinced many people have kids simply because they think that's all that's expected from people in life - you marry, have kids - that's what everyone does, isn't it.
Well, no actually, there are people that choose not to have kids and lead happy, productive lives.
How many unhappy kids are there simply because their parents didn't really want them in the first place?
Why is that the right to have children is the one thing that is never questioned? You can be a drug addict, alcoholic, convicted sex offender and yet produce as many sprogs as you are able to.
Try and adopt one of the many results of all this - the kids taken into care - and you have to pass a barrage of tests, criteria and interviews.
People are vetted if they want to give a stray dog a home nowadays, but never if they want to start a family.
Is the idea of packing more and more people into cities such a wonderful idea? I'm unconvinced that this is the ideal way for humans to live and lead happy, fulfilling lives.
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This all seems a statement of the obvious how can we make children happier?
1. Make time for them not eastenders
2. Accept you don't have rights to children you have responsibilities - they are NOT lifestyle accessories
3. Give them clear rules and structure in their lives so they know what to expect. Don't put up with tyranny
4. Set an example of good behavior this is especially important for men. As the father of boys I am very aware that they pick up what I do/act as how they should act/behave so be careful what you say and what you do.
5. Try to eat a meal together every day at the table - I know its hard but its worth it.
6. Never never let them have a TV in their room.
7. Don't go to bed on an argument - make up and be friends.
8. Give plenty of physical contact - hugs/kisses etc. remember in our pervert obsessed society you are the only one who can do this.
9. Do things together - when my kids were young I used to read to them later I realised they associated reading with cuddles and happy times I am sure this helped them when they went to school.
10 If its a choice between giving children your time or your money give your time
11. Enjoy them! they are not around for very long and they can give you a lot of pleasure and satisfaction.
If you are thinking thats all very well but I have n't got time for that - make time what did you have children for anyway - its an input output thing the more you put in the more you get out.
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In some ways the report seems to be a case of 'stating the bl**ding obvious'. We all know the problems they've highlighted exist and impact not just on children, but society as a whole. But it does seem that they're missed a fundamental, and that is too many parents simply have no understanding of how to parent, or what it is to be responsible for a child. Educating pre-parents is fundamental to restoring our society
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If parents are going to farm out their children's care to child-minders, nurseries and so on, then it's pretty obvious the parents will never know their children and vice versa. Children will formulate their perceptions of society from whatever they can - it isn't something they have control over, it just happens. If parents push their kids in front of a television, the kids will form their view of society from that.
I don't want to sound sanctimonious but my family was planned. We decided at least one parent would always be at home for the kids. Sure we could have followed careers and grown rich, filled our home with useless accoutrements....but I have to say, wife and I have thoroughly enjoyed our kids and parenthood - the several difficult times have easily been outweighed by, overall, a happy family.
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My husband and decided to give up the 'luxury' of a second income in order to home-educate our children. He is a lorry driver and our net income is around £300 per week. We have a mortgage and bills just like most people. However, we manage. It is worth the sacrifice of not having new cars, holidays, new clothes, etc. just to ensure that our children are happy, secure, eager to learn and safe.
We had our children because we wanted them. We didn't expect anyone else to take care of and be responsible for them.
It seems that we live in a society that expects mothers to hand over their babies soon after birth and go back to work to boost the GDP... and families follow this route as a matter of course. What's the point in having children in the first place if you don't want to be with them?
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I’m all for talking about this important subject, but worried about some of the vocabulary. For instance ‘selfish’ is a very tricky word. It’s not an objective psychological concept; in fact it’s nothing more than a term of abuse (used when we feel envious or neglected). We need to widen and refine our vocabulary (i.e. our understanding) before we can make any worthwhile progress.
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The reason that children do better if their parent's are married is because these children are much more likely to have been carefully considered and "wanted". That is not to say that there aren't great unmarried parents (like some of my friends) but there are a lot of children born into couples that are not in stable relationships (or even relationships at all). This is the whole correlation versus causiality thing; encouraging parents to marry will not help, rather encourage people to only have children when they are ready to take on the responsibility (and that includes financially); children are a privilege not a right.
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Mak;
Though you might like this. I wrote it (as a song) after an experience as a teacher at a local school. You can hear me sing it on my myspace site: http://www.myspace.com/tonynorwell
My Daughter Don’t Like Water!
My daughter don’t like water – there’s no way she’ll use the tap;
School’s banned her taking fizzy drinks – that’s such a load of crap.
My daughter don’t like water – what is she supposed to do?
They’ve banned her mobile ‘phone now she has to call me from the loo!
They’ve took away her beer and cigarettes and banned her selling E’s–
Stopped ‘er eating junk food now and served ‘er carrots and peas.
They’ve stopped ‘er wearing sexy clothes – although she’s nearly nine –
What has the world now come to, when my kids must toe the line!
They’ve stopped her bullying other kids – and made her do PE –
They want her to learn to read and write and know some History.
They tell her black kids have a right to be in her school, too –
They teach that we’re all equal now – that means me and you!
They’ve banned ‘er tatooes and body piercing – say that it’s against the rules –
Make ‘er take out ‘er bling bling gold when she’s in the swimming pool.
They want her to learn what others do in countries near and far –
Instead of learning how great the USA and the UK are!
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Surely what this report is saying is what we all know. Parents need to take responsibility for their children, that doesn't mean throwing money at them.
My mother and father got divorced when I was 10, which to be honest was a good thing. When my dad (who was normally never around) was with my mum, they used to argue all the time and could never get on. My dad never took any interest in me or what I did, it would be unlikely whether he would be able to say what A-levels I took or what hobbies I have. He can just about say what degree I am studying and where. He used to just give my mum maintance once and month and come around and visit occasionally. He never took us anywhere or did anything for us. So many people think that they can throw money at a problem it will go away, but it won't.
My mother worked fulltime as well as having part-time jobs on top of that aswell, so she didn't have much time for us. When she did though she would take us swimming and horse ridding. She worked so hard, so she was often stressed and got angry at us easily. So I saw my mum as a bit of a law enforcer and not a mum. So I didn't get on with her.
I was fine until I was 17 where I started to feel alignated and felt like I had no support network. I got depressed which affected my eatting as well. It is the most horrible thing to go through and my mum barely even noticed since she was so busy with other things. My dad was never there so he never knew either.
It was only when I moved away from home for my Gap year that I started to get on with my mum and dad. I think they realised that they had to make more of an effort when I was around otherwise I just wouldn't come back and see them, and they didn't want that.
In my experience people shouldn't have children until they have lived with each other for a few years at least. They shouldn't see children as a way to make relationships right, they will only make it worse. It will only be damaging for the children.
They talk about parks and free space for children to play in, I agree this is very important, but I grew up on a farm and had loads of free space. However I still suffered from depression and I still suffer from anxiety now 2.5 years on. I never had any computer games or x-boxes, I had a bike, a tree den, a pony.
So for those of you parents out there don't think that just because your kids have these computer games etc and they are suffering from mental illnesses that this is souley to blame. It is unlikely that this is the case, this is likely to contribute however it is mostly how you the parents treat and interact with your children that really matters.
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This country is out of control! We praise the criminals and damn the victims. We support those who have no desire to work and those who think child-rearing is a career choice. We tell the ones who work hard, they must work harder to pay for the ones who can't be bothered.
Funny how single mothers have always got suntans in Summer? They moan about never having enough money to feed their children, but they still have enough to buy fags, get their acrylic nails re-filled and their roots done by Toni & Guy!
More emphasis on charity values would be a start. Make those who have no intention of ever working use their 'spare' time to help give back to the community in someway. And that goes for criminals languishing in prisons too. Don't give me all that rubbish about 'reform', let's look at the percentages of how many actually go on to re-offend when their time is up.
Having come from a single parent family, at least I was taught life values, and that you have a choice in your life. To make it better for yourself or make it harder for other people. It's about taking responsibility.
I have always lived by the motto: "Look after yourself, but always consider others".
This country is a disgrace. "It's not Britain anymore, it's Broken".
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This is an interesting report, but it does seem somewhat biased towards the Church of England. Some of the most well adjusted people I know were raised by single parents. What about Barack Obama? I am disappointed to see how much focus is put on working mothers. This is a necessity for many couples. The problem seems to be when there is no extended family to share the burden. It takes a village!
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the dhss is saying to us get back to work and yet when we do we get told its our fault about making our children unhappy and unrully because we are working ???????????i went back to work and got into bebt i was not in debt when i was not working it dont pay to go back to work ..as i/you need to be home when my/our children come home from school .....
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we havent got control over what we do ...we are told one thing but are told somthing else then get blamed for not doing what two different bodies tell us
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Thank you for getting me down. I am a mother and a full-time worker. Recently my partner was made redundant. Luckily, though, my job seems a little more secure in the current climate and since my salary just about covers our small mortgage and expenses, we should be OK financially. Being the sole breadwinner though does play on my mind, however and now it seems that that should not be my only worry, as I am also a potentially negligent mother. So please, Children's Society, tell me what I should do? Give up my job and allow our house to re-possessed with all the consequent disruption to our son? Would that make me a better mother than the one who does work full-time and hardly has any time to herself as she spends all the other time she can with her son? What I do know is that I am going to stop writing now in order to read my son a story before bed. I just hope that I can do it with a smile on my face...
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The report's summary should come as no real surprise to anybody reading it. The problems the UK society face, and other Western societies is one that is aligned completely with the Internet, greater materialism, the celebrity culture and yes, women going to work. The going to work for women is an essential aspect of the provision of independence but it obviously has brought it's many downsides. The issue for me is not that we should now study the report and no doubt it's many varied recommendations but that we should go back to basics. We are bereft of joy, not just children but adults because we look at celebrities and how they look and what they can buy and seek to replicate that in our lives as though it were the domain of the normal. The current credit crunch should help the cause but fundamentals must return. Somehow adults need to re-evaluate, to take stock and remember if they can what made them happy. We all want the short cut to success. The money, the muscles or the lack of weight. The houses and the cars. It is a tale of excess that for too long has had no bounds.
I hope against the odds.
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Mark Easton writes, "There is an emotional bluntness to the analysis".
Then he says, "The report says that parents should have a long-term commitment to each other".
That's a euphemism for "marriage".
It's local authority speak.
Scarcely "emotional bluntness".
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I am a single mother.
Now please put that crucifix and garlic away.
Although every inch of my body wants to defend every single mother out there from the 'let's sterilize them all' attitude (Which quite frankly brings the atrocities of eugenics to mind). My own experience forces me to agree that a single working parent does not have enough hours in the day to provide every inch of love and attention every child deserves. It's hard. It's not made any easier by the stigmatization. It's not going to make things better by pinning the trouble's of society on single parents. Would you wake up with the joy's of spring every morning knowing society thinks you are a failure?
If children really are more unhappy than ever, I suspect it is down to parents having pure lack of time to spend quality time as a family. Perhaps the recession and massive rates of unemployment will give us no other choice but to spend that gym membership money on living and the time on the kids.
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"Calls to scrap SATS tests in English schools, abandon school league tables, ban advertising to under-12s and prevent building on any open space where children play are radical, and unlikely to happen in the short term."
The only thing 'radical' about these suggestions is that they favour children over commerce or centralized government control. We are mad to perpetuate it. Either that or just too busy keeping our heads above water to do anything else.
There is one positive; I suppose my local TESCO will employ youngsters on a Saturday and keep them off the streets. Get them thinking about money nice and early. Best way.
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I'm an even tempered, married stay-at-home mum, my children have lots of positive interaction with their father, we have an ok income, we restrict television and we eat dinner together as a family every night. And yet I have a child with behavioural difficulties. It can happen to anyone: lets stop blaming the single parents, absentee fathers and working mothers for all of society's ills, please.
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It isn't the parents' fault. It is the society in which we live. And curiously I blame the banks and other lenders.
By creating this climate in which borrowing money was easy, people slowly got sucked into ever increasing debt, which meant that parents had to work ever longer hours - giving less time to their children and becoming more dissatisfied themselves despite the apparent increase in wealth.
I know people will ask about personal responsibility. I'd agree with them. But don't underestimate the power of wanting to keep up with the Jones's
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I am glad that this report has been written and spells it out clearly that as parents we are too selfish. I don't think it is constructive to blame certain elements, eg single mums, absent fathers, but for each and every one of us who is a parent and who is able to understand what is being said, we must consider the way in which we can improve our relationships. I feel fortunate to be in a stable (and yes married) relationship. We bought a smaller house so one of us could be a full time parent. We spend time playing with our children, try to teach them right from wrong and how to value themselves and their acheivements. But it is extraordinarily difficult sometimes. We live with old, second hand furniture, old cars, take few holidays (always camping) and never seem to get out together as a couple. And to be honest there are times when I really resent these sacrifices. I don't know how single parents survive the sheer exhaustion of raising children and I take my hat off to them . I don't understand how some parents can be so absent from their children's lives, missing the glorious moments of exploration and discovery. And I don't understand why this government is so obsessed with getting all children into childcare provision before they're old enough to talk. I'm just glad that finally questions are being raised about our skewed national values and I hope that positive answers are found before another generation of children grow up feeling neglected, undervalued, exploited or unloved. ps My children won't be completing primary level SATS and will have the odd 'snow' day.
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There's something missing from this report and that is the fact that structures, boundaries and discipline has been removed little by little from our homes, our schools and our society by those people who claim to only have children's interests at heart. No wonder our children are 'unhappy' they have too much freedom, too many choices, no one says 'No' anymore. Children are being taught 'their rights' at every twist and turn, but no one tells them that the adults in their lives have rights too!!! It's a two way thing.
Children need stability and they need boundaries to help them grow into mature and responsible citizens. A single parent is just as capable of doing this as a couple. Love for your child isn't just a sloppy, give them all they want thing, it says no at times, it refuses to just crumple at the meerest sign of dispute.
We have 4 children, the youngest two are finding life much more difficult as teenagers than the older two did. We are finding it harder to keep some structure in our family life because of the attitudes that are so pervasive in the society that our teens are moving in.
The 'nanny' state that won't let our children play 'conkers', do somersaults on the school playground, play bulldog etc. etc. has to be prepared to shoulder some of the burden of this report.
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The reporting of this in the media was poor - all we got was "... according to a report published today", and nothing about who wrote the report, what methods they used, or whether these methods were appropriate.
Glancing at the site, the report gathered evidence from submissions and focus groups of children; and had a good sample size. This is all positive. It also relied on a panel of experts, which may be good or bad depending on how expert they are.
The Children's Society has strong links to the Church of England, which perhaps explains why items like "material possessions" appears on the agenda for the focus groups, and subsequently in the report. It certainly seems to have a traditional tone.
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This all ties in to lack of community and belonging also (as detailed in Easton's previous blog entry). Even if one has caring parents, ideally we should also have access to wider, extended family, inspirational or trustworthy figures we can relate to as children who are non-family members, and a shared sense of identity and values.
In our individualistic society we have many freedoms and benefits, but we also suffer from isolation. How many readers of this blog know the identity of everyone in their street? And do they even want to know?
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It seems a shame that the report blames parents for all the ills. I do think that kids have a tougher time emotionally. But with most people needing two salaries to buy a home, it's hard to see how insecurity about home will make kids happier.
For the past 4 years I've been travelling around Britain and it's struck me how 'privatised' family has become. Kids have almost disappeared from the social world. Lots of places say 'no kids and no dogs'.
Adults are often intolerant of children and young people complaining about how badly they behave. Usually they just have more energy and enthusiasm than the adults. I do think that the comments about materialism are true, but it's up to wider society to change, not just parents. Young people are often criticised for being rude, but I've found the rudest people are almost always middle class and usually in their 60s. Why does no-one think they need to change?
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As a father, an unscrupulous, deeply flawed and secretive Family Courts system has allowed my ex-wife to ransack my pension, property (85% in her favour), savings, investments and everything I have ever worked for because she has taken my 3 children. She has 'used' the Child Support Agency to further ransack my accounts, not only because I am am an easy target - a public service worker - but because despite having nearly killed myself with overwork to support the family while married, no account has ever been taken of the huge debts I incurred in looking after her and the family, hoping one day that my wife might help financially once our children were all of school age.
I am depressed and, have to say, I have up on trying to see my children for the time being. I can not afford to see them. I have no say in how my money is spent on them. I have no say in the brainwashing of my children by an ex-wife who, by maintaining such a stance, maintains such a pecuniary benefit that whilst I as the father of the children live in something akin to a slum, she gets to buy and extend her own property and live a rather glorious lifestyle paid for by yours truly. I couldnt even affford to fill the car with petrol to see the children at Xmas. And no. I dont smoke, drink or otherwise manages my finances inappropriately.
My children have had their childhoods destroyed because of the rank favoritism towards mothers shown by the courts and the government. All over the UK there are similar stories of men being almost wiped out with despair at how they are powerless.
They will grow up with the strong psychological reinforcement to look after their own selves without reference to the family or others. The Family Courts foster this "Me, Me, Me' generation.
Fathers are too often sidelined with all of the financial repsonsibility, but all it takes is a woman without scruples, morals or any decency to exploit this for her own ends. Of course, the fallout of all of this impacts forever on the poor children.
How did we ever allow this to happen ?
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Regarding banning advertising to children under 12....
Sweden has done this quite successfully since 1991 ..... and also ranks very near the top in child happiness.
It's just one of many factors, but I do believe that children are exposed to a constant barrage of advertising which creates pressures to conform or to like certain toys / cartoons / fashion etc which are not really relevent to childhood.
I'm not a dyed in the wool traditionalist by a long stretch .... but the only people who protest this are the advertisers!
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The sadest comment on this is that it took 35,000 interviews to produce a report that could have been written by anyone with a moderate amount of common sense.
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It is all the additives in Food thats causing kids to be depressed.
Look at what Flouride does to the brain .
And MSG,aspartame and frutose Syrup.
Most of our food contains theses poisions now,esp canned drinks and Mcdonalds.
We have to wake up to this before we have 25 yr olds with Alzheimers.
This report is wrong. How can we be too individual?
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I'm sorry but haven't we known all of this for ages? I am sure I remember it coming up at the end of the Thatcher era. Anyway what possible good can such a report do except to give us something else to tut about over our boiled eggs?
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Following many years of dismantling our social structure in the name of ‘progress’ and of discouraging meaningful debate on such issues, it is refreshing and surprising to see this report actually being made public. Let’s hope a proper debate ensues where those holding ‘traditional’ views are not labelled as regressive or similar in order to undermine credibility at the outset.
The eldest of our three children will turn fourteen this year. Having observed the stark differences in children’s attitudes in the classroom when she was working as a science teacher, my wife and I made a conscious decision that she would finish work to bring up our children in order to reflect our values rather than those of a crumbling society; we felt it was too important a task to leave to nurseries and child minders. Of course there have been difficulties and material sacrifices but the rewards have outweighed the downside significantly.
I’m happy to say that all three, even the youngest with special educational and emotional needs, are decent, respectful and well behaved which gives us far more pleasure than if we had had money for better cars, clothes and holidays; our priorities have been vindicated. Make no mistake that this is not the path of least resistance and has been tough at times but then very little of great value is acquired easily. If you have children, you owe them and society a massive duty of care to put the effort in: I know plenty of people who have regretted taking the more selfish path. The difficulty is that we tend to breed when we are quite young and still want to party and so on and we don’t wise up until it’s too late.
There is a down side. Unfortunately, my children are in the minority at school where a larger proportion of the children have not had such an emotional grounding and tend towards the less desirable behaviours described in the report.
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85# except for a few new ones we try to know everyone and everyone tries to know everyone else were we live, it makes for a much simpler way of life, even though we are plagued from other areas of social conflict and digression we can look after and influence those that need it and support those who require it.
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90# yup on that i would aggree sweet poison.... Its amazing how people change when they drop aspartame and other sweeteners from their diets.
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I'm inclined to agree with those who think that in general, many problems stem from kids simply not spending enough time engaged with their parents. Obviously this is due to many of the factors mentioned.
The government's encouragement of both parents working from very early in the child's life is just plain wrong. I believe such a policy will come back to haunt us 20 years from now in all kinds of ways.
There has been research published before which suggests children are better off starting formal education at age 6 or 7 similar to some scandinavian countries.
On a wider note, the thing that really astounds me is that it is taking so long for our society as a whole to grasp the absolute fundamental importance of childhood to our long term future.
As individuals, who we are was determined, in the main, by our childhood experiences (and our genes of course, which we have no need to 'improve'). Therefore as a society we are like the living embodiment of all our childhoods - we make our world like the ones we had, in a very deep yet simple sense.
Perhaps one of the worst consequences of the pursuit of individualism is that we care less and less about what happens after we die (in spite of all the good will about the environment) and so we think about childhood as just being about 'children' when really it is about ourselves, our future selves.
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British kids are unhappy because no one expects anything from them. With all the creativity and great minds in England,surely, this problem could be turned around. First get rid of your pish posh attitude that relegates poor children to stay behind the locked fence. Open up those yacht, rugby, horse and cricket clubs and let these kids be a part of your gilded, country club world. Next teach them every trade and skill that your forefathers invented. Do they even know about the industrial revolution and the great inventions that came from England? Teach your children your great history and culture. Take them to your wonderful museums, art galleries, concert halls. How could they ever be bored by that?
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Britain, one of the most free market countries in europe has the most unhappy children...
I'm surprised they really needed a report to highlight this.
We live in more of an economy than a society and I believe these are the consequences.
Parents have been forced to work by the demands of economy.
Ironically, by women being given the choice to work..choice has become expectation...expectation has become neccessity and there are now less choice for everyone including children.
One no longer sounds like a narrow minded social conservative in suggesting that maybe women going to work is a bad idea for everyone. Society should pay women (or men!) a salary to stay at home and be parents to their children.
Society and economy!
More happiness please.
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There is a lot of blame being made against working mums and single mums and ranting generally. I'm in agreement with no 70 and the report to some point. I had a stay at home mother and a father who worked hard and made lots of money. However, all three children are messed up because our parents were extremely selfish. For a long time I blamed their divorce in my teens for messing us up but after months of therapy I realised that my parents lack of support for us throughour our entire lives was causing the coldness in my heart and the immense anxiety that I had.
Our parents never told us they loved us, they gave us no guidance, no support, no cuddles, no friends came to the house or stayed over and I certainly don't remember them playing with us or reading us bedtime stories. Unfortunately for them, they continue to be selfish in their old age and miserly with their support and love.
I strongly believe that it doesn't matter if you're a single mum, a single dad, gay or straight, we need to give more love and time to our children, and that costs nothing.
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Blame the government and particularly the legacy of Thatcher's britain. The consumer greed culture and the spiraling costs of living over the last 20 years mean that most families now have to have both parents working to meet basic living costs. i.e to pay the mortgage, the council tax and utilities. Luxuries are paid for on credit card which creates the never ending spiral of debt. Both adults working and being part time parents is not a life style choice for most its a fact of life in modern Britain.
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ONLY LONG-TERM SOLUTION - EUGENICS
An unpopular suggestion: Stop people who are genetically ill-equiped to raise children because of low IQ/Personality Disorders/Psychoses etc from having children, perhaps by making parenthood conditional upon acquring a Parenting Licence?
Sadly, Article II of the EU Lisbon Treaty effedtively proscribes this (as do other Articles - right to have a family).
Before anyone says these Human Rights Articles are a good thing, here's a taste of why this is not so A lot that is regarded as good sense today, just isn't, it's subversive.
... 'the road to hell is paved with good intentions'. We are alrerady seeing the consequences.
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It seems that the posts here are far more accurate than the continous rounds of expensive committees and meetings that go on for ever; discussing the same old topics over and over again without solutions or even a sense of direction.
The teachers of the war years had many answers to these problems that were in evidence even so long ago, but they were well under control in many schools.
It had been noted that children with older brothers and sisters seldom got bullied by other children.
Therefore the solution was fairly obvious, when a child had been reported or noticed as being bullied, the teacher chose a suitable pupil as a stand in older brother or sister and placed him or her next to the child needing urgent support with the firm instruction to look after the child for the remainder of the week.
Not leaving the situation unfinished, a teacher was detailed to observe the playground performance through the school windows and report the result to the Headteacher at the end of the week when the problem had usually been completely cured, the intervention of the standin brother or sister obviously ignored.
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JadedJean - what should we do with the high IQ, pyscopathic/sociopathic parents who indeed hold high positions of authority?
Are there actually tests that can be given to children/teenagers so we can identify who they are? Or perhaps their high IQ will allow them to give the "correct" answers?
How low does the IQ have to be?
I followed your links but see nothing corcerning ability to be a good parent?
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If women did not have so much financial independence, more children would remain in unhappy two-parent families and we would see a rise in the proportion of unhappy children in such families. Of course more of the children in the other groups have more problems since some of these children have lived with unhappy adults or experienced poverty or the unending discrimination of schools/medical centres and other public services who assume there's a stay-at-home parent when there isn't or that a married two parent family is the norm everyone should strive for and keep on telling these children there's something "wrong" with their family, and their mother in particular who will be pilloried whether she's out working long hours to put food on the table or is staying at home on benefits to look after them. It's like saying people who've had road crashes have more injuries than those who haven't.
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What a load of tommyrot. This goverment has made it difficult for parents to be parents. The youth of today are not taught good manners and respect, which in itself would lead to being better adults & future parents. A nanny state, set up by interfearing busy bodies with nothing better to do than push a pen around a bit of paper to make a mess of the lives of individuals. This is one thing that this Gov. Gets a full A+. Teach, Manners, Good behaviour and respect the rest will follow as a natural way of things and how things should be.
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What a load of rubbish. This goverment has made it difficult for parents to be parents. The youth of today are not taught good manners and respect, which in itself would lead to being better adults & future parents. A nanny state, set up by interfearing busy bodies with nothing better to do than push a pen around a bit of paper to make a mess of the lives of individuals. This is one thing that this Gov. Gets a full A+. Teach, Manners, Good behaviour and respect the rest will follow as a natural way of things and how things should be.
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Maybe two parents who are earning a relatively good income can think about only one parent working and the other looking after their (presumably) planned and loved children.
But of course this may mean downsizing their lifestyle, getting rid of the car, holidays, big TVs, eating out etc. which they just aren't prepared to do.
People are just generally spoilt and indulged and won't compromise for the sake of their kids - who in turn end up spoit and indulged.
Emotion free but a life filled with 'things'. Recipe for disaster.
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I worked in the welfare field 30 years ago and what was obvious then is still obvious now and outlined in this report.....
Most social problems are symptoms of the society that has been created and no number of social workers, laws or regulations will solve them!
At best you may help, to some small degree, a number of individuals or families but you cannot change or erradicate the social and psychological dilemmas created by a set of societal values and everyday behaviours that impacts on the socialization and upbringing of each individual born and raised in those societies.
What has been euphemistically called (and even promoted as) 'individual's rights' has led to a selfish and greedy world thus creating a parental model that focuses on material and status items (including private education) as substitutes for time spent together and the development of close loving relationships.
How many times do we hear those spending more and more time at work using the excuse it is to give their kids a 'better life'? What nonsense, the best life for any child is a home full of love, homes that don't produce the damaged and psychologically needy individuals that are increasingly destroying our communities in one way or another.
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"The problems are simply the result of a naive welfare system that rewards people for breeding without responsibility. "
Thank you for patronising us, but there is nothing "simple" about these problems.
"Instead of throwing yet more money at the issue like this useless excuse for a government have been doing, making everything far worse, instead we should:
- Stop all child benefits after the first/second child."
Considering the report was into children's unhappiness, do you not see the irony in condemning many children into a life of poverty? Because I do.
"- Offer a national sterilisation incentive for people aged 18-40, offering them ?3000 each to do so - the first people in the queue will be those who shouldn't be breeding in the first place (heroin addicts etc) "
Or any people in poverty in need of a financial boost.
Really, though I love your caricaturing, the only thing thorughly "naive" is your "solution" here. It would cause far more problems than it would solve.
"and in the long run this will save us billions.
- Remove the automatic right to council housing for mothers under the age of 23."
Again, solving childrens' unhappiness by condemning many of them to even harsher conditions, now making them homeless!
"This won't solve the problem overnight "
You don't say.
"and there will be a "lost generation" caused by Labour's unwillingness to face up to the issues. But until you change the fact that breeding is an alternative lifestyle choice to working there will always be people who do it, regardless of the consequences, and regardless of what happens to the children involved."
And if you take away the right to balance work with childraising, there will be more damaged children, there will be more broken families, and there will be an even bigger "lost generation".
Please, have a little thought as to what your ideas might actually cause.
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Like #66, I too home educate my children. My husband and I agreed on this decision, knowing that it would be financially challenging.
I believe that it is our responsibility to provide a safe and loving environment for our children, providing them with the attention they need.
With one income we have to prioritize very carefully, we choose to offer activities such as organized sports and involvement in the 'arts'. This means we can't buy the flat screen T.V that my husband would really like or a two week summer getaway!
Of course I don't always find this easy but I am a mother, no turning back, it is my job to raise happy and responsible children to the best of my ability, not the governments and not the teachers, mine!
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Mark Easton:
I think that the report that was prepared was partially accurate and, but...it shows were society is letting down both the child and also, the parent(s) down...
~Dennis Junior~
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Mark:
...WE BLAME THE PARENTS....
I am not here to blame any parent(s) of children...Parents have a lot of things on there plates to worry about..And sometimes things may slip from the control of parent..
~Dennis Junior~
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I was 'Nationalised' at the age of 5 years old, the state were my parents and have been ever since. It sounds funny to call it 'Nationalisation', but that's how it feels.
I spent most of my childhood in and out of care homes and likewise spent most of my childhood in and out of school. I left care with 1 CSE in English, and joined the Royal Navy - further 'nationalisation!'.
Since being kicked out of the Royal Navy because I wouldn't take up arms in the Royal Marines, I have spent much of my time on welfare benefits, I have been in and out of hospital, made several suicide attempts, had a spell in prison at the request of my dad, had psychiatric reports and to be honest have been literally written off by the 'so called experts' who were supposed to help me.
The 'so called experts' - psychiatrists and doctors couldn't help me because they never wanted to know ME! They thought they did, they thought they had all the answers and yet in all their cutting up and prodding they forgot to look inside my heart.
There's only one person who's had access there, but he was crucified, again by the 'so called experts', but he lives on, I know he does because he lives in my heart!
'What if the aims of the world were based on LOVE'. Childrens Society.
Imagine what the world would be like-
there would be no threat of war, no tears, no suffering, no hunger, no homelessness, no unemployment, no protectionism, no racism, no divorce, no hatred, no pollution, no, no global warming, no child soldiers, no slums, no borders, no extremism, no fascism, no greed, no poverty and no so much more of what our children have to put up with!
The report by the Childrens Society was spot on in my opinion, adults are selfish, we live for today and forget about tomorrow. We take, take, take and forget about our childrens' tomorrows!
The past two days has seen the country blessed from on high. Our country has seen schools and work closed because of the snow, but our children have been HAPPY!. I know because I've heard them in the streets, I've seen them on their sledges, I've seen them with mums and dads and to be honest it brought a tear to my eye because our children need to be loved, they want to spend more time with their busy parents, instead of being forgotten about in some dark corner of a house in front of a laptop or some gamestation.
'as we walk uncertainly through this world,
the deepest longing within us all is surely to be loved
Not to be loved for whom we are
Not to be loved for who we are
Not to be loved for what we may become
But to be LOVED'. Dr Michael Meegan ICROSS
'LOVE!'
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Makes you wonder how previous generations survived..
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There isn't too much competition in education, in fact there isn't enough.
Expecting kids to work together doing coursework etc and the decline in competition amongst classmates is exactly why boys are doing so poorly compared to girls. Ask any teacher.
The main problem with education is the idea all kids should go to university. So we end up with loads of kids with worthless qualification not just in academic feilds but also in non academic ones.
For instance in I.T a degree is pointless if you want to work as a techie yet because society puts so little value on work experience and ability and so much on irrelevant qualifications we have the situation we have now.
We have a situation where if a child goes to uni they have to pay for it when 80% of those students shouldn't be there at all, they should be doing on the job training and that should be valued equally.
Those who do need to go to uni have to pay and so have a unfair start in life.
If only those who should be at university went there we as a nation could easily afford them. The others would get paid for by private businesses who would also benefit as they would get the employees they need.
Because of this stupid obsession with university for all it is unaffordable for many and kids don't get taught things at school anymore they merely get trained to pass exams.
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Selfish individualism eh ? Coupled with the unfettered greed in the banking system, Thatcherism is well and trully coming home to roost.
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I chose to stay at home to be a full-time mum while my partner works. We're on a low income and money is tight, but time stresses are low and our quality of life is quite good.
Now that our children are in junior school, I have been looking to re-enter the workforce part-time, but with no joy. I have become de-skilled and as I am in my forties most employers consider me to be too old to take on from scratch. I am seriously pessimistic about my prospects of ever finding meaningful employment again after my break from work. This means that should anything happen to my partner, or if we should split up, I would be living in poverty at the tax payers' expense for the rest of my life. I also have not contributed towards a pension while I have been looking after my kids. I don't see this issue being addressed at all.
I don't think it's necessarily always the case that one partner staying at home is best for the family's happiness. It's very common for housewives to become socially isolated, and this can contribute to poor mental health, which may adversely affect the children. These things are never as clear cut as they're portrayed.
On the plus side, at least I now know that if ever our children started to display problems with their conceptual development or behaviour, my partner and I could improve the situation simply by getting married (lol).
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The little table would indicate that single parents produce children who do not perform well at school. I was left as a single parent with two daughters aged 5 and 3 years. Both my daughters were deliberately held back at school due to their status. So much so that I refused to send my son (who incidently comes from a normal married inviroment) into a state school. He is now educated at home. The group who were in the same position as myself took their children out of state education and several are now in university, all from one parent families. One parent at home beats a nursery place every time. This and previous governments want every one out to work. A recipe for door latch kids and mayhem.
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“A Good Childhood?” Is this the question? So what is ‘The Answer’?
The issues raised in this blog facing our society can only stem from childhood; you learn how to “be human” during your informative years. You learn from your parents, the immediate world around you, your peers at school, the TV. And so on.
And so on – as in, it’s a never ending chain. One generation’s experience leads to more of the same for, and is often compounded in the next. Emotional baggage is handed down from parents to children again and again, but never with the tools to cope. They leave them to you to deal with yourself; you; the child.
So the child develops ‘coping mechanisms’ to get through every day life; the class joker, the bookworm, the naughty boy; a member of a gang, anything to cope with the environment in which he has to live - which was created by the parents, of course. And guess what? Those very same techniques which enabled him to survive are about to do the opposite; they are going to hold him back as he becomes an adult.
So he “grows up” (physically, but mentally?) yet is never taught that feeling depressed, confused, scared, unhappy, worthless are states of mind, which don’t have to be this way forever. After all, his parents didn’t tackle these problems – why would they, when hiding is far, far easier, and anyway, that’s what THEIR parents did too, right?
Leaving aside Thatcherism and all that’s happened since which leaves a distinctly bitter taste in the mouths of anyone who can still remember when people didn’t have, want or need a zillion credit cards (ergo material items and debt) and the difference between “want” and “need” actually meant something, ask yourself “What happened? How did we end up here?”
Well, we’ve been steering ourselves here for our entire existence. It’s not just the U.K. or the western world suffering this inability to live “happily” - it’s everywhere. A contagious disease called “me-kind” not mankind. We are lazy, we are selfish and we just don’t care about anything except “ME”. The quick fix lifestyle, computers, TV’s, cars, gadgets of every kind are merely filling the emotional void deep down inside which we, as the human race, have created.
We have conveniently forgotten that we (humans) NEED trees, rivers, mountains, fields, seas, hills to maintain our sanity, our compassion; to maintain our reason for being. To breathe. To live. To be a part of something we can’t own, control, manipulate. That there is something bigger than us which is not related to politics, wealth or religion (either for or against).
This fundamental, basic NEED cannot be replaced by technology.
And yet, we desire these empty, pointless ‘things’.
And we teach our children to ‘need’ these ‘things’.
And thus we teach them unhappiness.
Come on people. Look deeper than the obvious. None of this is about single parents, council houses for teenage mothers, financial inequality, Thatcherism, Labour’s Labours. We know it; we just don’t want to accept it – because that would force responsibility, change and actually, denial is kind of okay, because the next generation can clean up our mess, right? Just like our parents left us to? And anyway, this is way too big to contemplate.
Almost the entire human population is living this way so, chin up! The good news is, you aren’t alone; we’re all going to “Somewhere” in a Hand Basket together!
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Some very very good points made on here.
I don't have kids so I would feel bad criticizing parents, but as an uncle and an observant human I can see trends that are deeply concering. The arrival of the Internet and computer games seem to have replaced relationships. My Sister loves her kis, but think she loves her own pursuits more. Grandparents are no longer playing a part of helping these days, in Asia this is the other way round because ALL the grandparents look after the kids as the parents need to work, there is no housing or unemployment benefit in Thailand. We in the West have become greedy, too expectant of things we don't have a right to nessassarily. The media and adverts portray an unrealistic version of happiness, we are too materialistic and concern with health and safety, this is the nanny states fault. Darwin would be turning in his grave.
We are too protective of our kids, thinking every man over 40 is a paedophile. Its paranoia. And completely wrong.
Kids must learn respect too, but its the parents, teachers and polices duty to do this, but now you cant touch a hair on a kids body without losing your job, back in my day if i misbehaved the teacher would whack me, not hard but a short sharp shock. My father would then do the same and i can tell you i never ever ever did that again. Kids need discipline and the way society is discipline is frowned upon and we wonder why we are in this mess?
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To all the struggling single mothers, excluded fathers, those who have been brought up in care and all those whose parents never gave them a hug or told them "I love you" - I am sending out a big hug to all of you!
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Single mothers are the family structure of the future. Society at large can either accept that and understand and celebrate what it good abut us or it can carry on with the old knee-jerk mud slinging. Which do you think is going to be better for us all in the long run?
I've managed to raise two daughters who are academically very high acheivers, caring, secure, healthy, confident, popular, funny, creative, polite, empathic and FAR happier than I ever was as a teen / pre-teen. How on earth did I manage that while also having the audacity to go out ot work in a part time low paid but high responsibility job?
The answers to the above might make a more worthwhile study than just yet more pandering to a right wing agenda.
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In Britain every body is busy even if you are doing nothing productive. Whilst children have a good enviornment to grow, it lacks stimulus. Parents are subconciously working hard to maintain a lifestyle and in due course forget that children don't need your money and its attendant luxuries but a certain amount of time and helpful advise. Money cannot buy time or that parental advise. It is the responsiblity of every parent to ensure that they enable the child to achieve their best within the resources available. Any surrogate is only a surrogate. However, I won't blame parents alone, afterall they are trying to do their best.
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as a child(nearly a teenager), who's parents divorced when i was in year 4 at primary school i agree with mark's blog on selfish parents "damage childhood". Our english teacher showed his article and we all agreed that life is a lot harder with stuff like income inequality at school.
i know myself that i have very poor parents and i cannot afford the same things as other people. then when we get days like mufti days, evrybody talks about what they are going to wear and talks about their clothes and how much money they have.
although there can actually be some nice people about money.
one of my very close friends is very rich but she never boasts about or shows off about it. i think of this as very heroic.
there are also all are exams and i remember evry time we had a practice s.a.t evrybody would be asking everybody else what mark they got!!!!
i, myself got very good marks so it wasn't so bad for me but for people in the lower class... well evrybody just talks about them behind their back!!!!
it is terrible.
britain has broken, it must be taken to repair shop.
i hope britain will see this and do something about it.
yours,
a britain schoolchild.
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