National Unfriend Day: Cut the 'friend' fat
If you use Facebook, how many friends do you have? Are they really your friends - the kind you would call and say "Let's go for a glass of vino/dinner/movie" or ask to borrow that blouse/fiver/book?
You have probably "friended" some other users just because they know someone you vaguely, but don't really, know. I know I have. It all depends of course on what you use Facebook for, but that is a whole other story.
"These people on Facebook are not your friends" is the message actor William Shatner is trying to convey as part of the National Unfriend Day orchestrated by late-night TV comedian Jimmy Kimmel.
The funnyman says that friendship is an issue he has been giving a lot of thought to lately.
"Friendship is a sacred thing. And I believe Facebook is cheapening it. I go on Facebook and I see people with thousands of what they call 'friends' which is impossible. You can't have a thousand friends," he says, launching a new holiday on 17 November: National Unfriend Day or "NUD".
"I encourage you to cut out some of the friend fat in your life. A friend is someone you have a relationship with," says Mr Kimmel, professing that he has finally "found a cause": "I found my thing... and it's friendship. We should have less of it."
The initiative has a kind of medical stamp of approval from US TV show presenter Dr Mehmet Oz.
"Facebook friends can lead to severe anxiety, hypertension and even possible death. This National Unfriend Day, let's stamp these silent killers out once and for all," says Dr Oz.
Among the 40,000-plus people who "like" the idea of National Unfriend Day on Jimmy Kimmel's Facebook page are one or two Facebook PR folk.
It's interesting to note that the word "unfriend" was the New Oxford American Dictionary's "Word of the Year" for 2009, as reported by the social media news site Mashable.
Does Mr Kimmel have a serious point: do too many of us have fake friends on social networks that need to be given the heave-ho?
~RS~q~RS~~RS~z~RS~12~RS~)
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Facebook isn't the first site to use the term "friend" instead of "contact". Not that I use Facebook. There is evidence online elsewhere of my continued existence that interested parties can view and comment on if the feel the need, be they friends, acquaintances or strangers. A clue if you're in any doubt as to which class you fall into - I talk to my friends, I talk to my acquaintances when I have to, and I don't talk to strangers.
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When I first started using facebook, I was determined my "friends" list wouldn't turn out like the one on my Myspace, namely full of people who I had no previous affiliation with. It worked at first, but then as more and more people joined facebook, my standards started slipping. You find a friend request from someone you went to school with who you've long since lost touch with, but who you quite liked at the time, so you add them. Then you start getting requests from other people you went to school with who you didn't necessarily hang out with, but who you had no problem with, so you add them too, mainly because you don't want them to think you're snubbing them. Then you start getting friend requests from those at school that you found a bit boring or annoying, but who you always put up with since it wasn't worth making enemies for the sake of it, and you add them too because they're fairly harmless, and you can always block their status update feed. Suddenly, your friend list is bulging with people you've not spoken to in years, save for the occasional "how's things?" when you bump into them on the street.
The same happens with workmates - you start off with ones you genuinely like, then you start getting requests from those you don't mind, then ones you don't actively like, but also don't actively dislike either... And then there are the people who send a friend request after meeting you one time, making you think you made such a fantastic impression that they already considered you an interesting enough person to call "friend"... until you realise they have added just about every person they have ever come into contact with in their life.
Of course, the one thing worse than ignoring someone's friend request is "unfriending" them. I have no idea how many "friends" I have, but I know for a fact there are those who do know, and when it goes down, the fact someone has "unfriended" them is taken as a massive snub - while it might sound a bit ridiculous to get offended at someone "unfriending" you, it does seem like someone has effectively said "you're so boring that even blocking you isn't enough and I must remove you." Blocking people is the equivalent of pretending you've not seen someone when you pass them in the street; "unfriending" people is like sitting next to them at a table and making a point of turning your chair to face away from them.
So the way I see it, either don't add these people in the first place, or just put up with them and use facebook's blocking tools. There's no point making people think you actively dislike them (unless you want that, which is where "unfriending" can perhaps be a fun, subtle way of saying "I don't like you anymore") and besides, don't we all rather enjoy having a snoop around other people's lives?
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The thing is that the very idea of a facebook (or social network) friend is totally different to the idea of real life friends. It includes of course your real life friends, but also aquaintances, work colleagues, people you went to school with etc. Perhaps as neepheid said, Facebook should change "Friends" to "Contacts", and then people will stop moaning?
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I don't have many on FB - 65 - some of these are people with whom I lost touch with years ago, if they were real friends though you'd never lose touch.
Every now and then I have a cull, go through those who have never communicated with me past the initial 'hello', those that play all the stupid games and those that feel the need to update everyone with their every act. The only exception for this is my daughter who I'm happy to forgive fishtank/farmworld updates and what kind of shopper she is this week etc.
Would I miss FB if I came off it completely, probably not, I'd speak less with my sister who it seems, sees this as her only way of communicating with me. I'd have one less website to mess about with and after all, if they need to speak to me, surely they know by now how to get in touch.
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This is all about being responsible for your own interactions in the world. Facebook has never forced me to accept someone as a friend; it has always been mu choice. I've accepted people from school because I like them then. I've refused people from school because I didn't like them in the mid-eighties and I have no reason to believe that has changed. The one rule is simply, if you called and said, "fancy a drink tomorrow?" then I'd say yes. If I wouldn't, I won't accept you.
As for the, "you wouldn't have lost touch if they were really friends" argument, that just doesn't hold water. I spent several years working overseas in the days before email, moving every 6 months. My friends from back then were also moving around the world and a postal address was pretty much irrelevant. Facebook has allowed me to get back in touch and meet up with these people again. Without it, I fear it simply wouldn't have happened.
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Perhaps the key here is not to read the same meaning into the word "friend" as used by Facebook, and the way we normally use it in "real life".
If you substitute "online acquaintance" each time you see it on screen, things are a lot simpler.
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The problem isn't that people have too many "friends" on facebook its just that they use the word friend. Its just a list of contacts that happens to be given the name friends.
"Unfriending" people is the wrong way to solve the problem. You should get the word friend changed to contacts like they changed being a fan to liking to reflect how people are using the feature. These people may not be my friends but I still want to be able to contact them on facebook.
You could just use groups to create a group of people called "real friends" of something and then put all your friends in there or they could extend the relationships feature.
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I think it's a great idea. I agree with each and every part of Kimmel's arguement. I have recently unfriended EVERYONE from my Facebook page by stopping using the site. I have realised that I no longer have a need for online friends, regardless of their real-life friend status. I no longer have the urge to keep track of my acquaintance’s every move and thought. I no longer care where they are at any moment in time. It's all become irrelevant to my life and I think if you're honest with yourself you'll find that it's pretty unimportant to you too. I shall be focusing on the real interactions I have with my real friends in the future. The Facebook backlash starts here.
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Just don't join Facebook or any "social" networking site! What's so "social" about sitting in front of a computer anyway? I'd prefer to meet people the old fashioned way, you know face to face. If they live a long way away pick up the phone that way I know they're my friends because they want to talk to me or see me.
As to "don't we all rather enjoy having a snoop around other people's lives?" Urgh no I don't I have much better things to do with my time like watching paint dry. I certainly don't want everybody else to snoop into my life what's wrong with you? Why do you need to know what someone else is doing in their life? Is yours so unfulfilling do you really have nothing better to do? How about volunteering some time looking after old folk or helping out in your local community in some way. SAD SAD SAD SAD people. Get some real friends it'll do you the world of good.
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Well this article comes at a perfect moment for me. Only last night (7th Nov), I decided that after 2 yrs, that I have had enough of Facebook and started to remove all my friends, photos, personal data, etc... This morning I signed in for the last time and deactivated my account.
The reason I did this was that my account was hacked into last month by someone sitting in China and once he had my info, was sending out malicous emails. A lot of people complained and I in turn did so to FB, but nothing got done.
The comment also saying that are these really your friends is so true. Can I honestly hand on heart say, "Hi Diana, fancy coming out for a meal?". If I wanted to do this, I'd PHONE them!! Do I really want to know that 'my friend' has not got any milk for brekkie or their youngest pooped on the living room floor?? Quite simply, NO.
I've never been on Twitter either, so I'm now off this social network website and will only be keeping in touch with my 'real friends whom I speak and see on a regular basis. Keep you 'fake friends' social websites to yourselves.
That felt good to get off my chest.
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@I_want_to_emigrate
I am currently on a work placement from University, living in a small town that is 5 hours from my home friends, 5 hours away from my girlfriend, and 3 hours away from my uni friends. Plus, one of my closer friends is currently on a year out in Italy. Things like Facebook are a godsend for me, allowing to to keep in regular, easy contact with the people I want to. Without them, then I'd probably see my friends a couple of times over the course of the year and thats it. Plus, its very helpful to organise things like meet ups or socials (as I am still a member of a University sports club).
If keeping in contact with all my friends and keeping active within the University of Bath lifesaving club, when otherwise I wouldn't be able to, makes me sad, then so be it.
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I closed my Facebook account recently - and it felt good; I never bothered with that hateful Twitter which is just Facebook with the fat trimmed away - concentrated twaddle that the BBC relies on so heavily for news these days that it's becoming tiresome.
Social network is fast becoming an oxymoron like military intelligence.
Now I'm off down the pub to meet some actual people to socialise with.
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afternoon Maggie, social networking sites can be bad for your health.
a political party in Scotland used information from one of these sites to attempt to smear a member of the public who was pursuing a FOI request with regards to one of it's MSP's. the person they were trying to smear had a fairly common name and this political party sent out an e-mail to numerous journalists in Scotland handing them a story on a plate as they do BUT all the info was about the wrong guy and all the wrong guy's "friends" from the wrong social network page. BEWARE!!
Sid
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#9 - sounds like you've fallen into that old trap of thinking that people use social networking sites to replace traditional forms of social interaction, whereas the reality is people use them to supplement social interaction. They're particularly handy when it comes to people that you don't yet know very well, a situation where you might not be in control of the next time you can meet said person face-to-face, and where picking up the phone to speak one-to-one is just unrealistic - they'll think you're a bit weird, and you'll run into an uncomfortable silence within about 5 minutes.
Another group of people social networking sites are useful for are friends who have moved overseas. It's one thing to phone someone who is at the opposite end of the country; it's quite another to phone someone in a different timezone, especially with the cost of international calling charges. Social networking sites allow asynchronous social interaction, which is more akin to letter-correspondance than phoning people, the exception being that you don't have to wait until you have enough news to make sending a letter worthwhile, and the time delay between sending and receiving responses is much less prohibative. Of course, you can do this with emails as well, but as I say, social networks are about supplementing other forms of communication, not replacing them. Personally, I prefer to hold any kind of online conversation in private, but if someone wants to do so in public, then who am I to judge them?
Of course, I suppose written forms of communication don't suit everyone, e.g. those of us who aren't particularly good at punctuation.
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National Unfriend Day!
There has got to be a psychological reason that Facebook Users feel the need for so many "friends" that are in reality are "unfriends". These "unfriends" would not come to your aide in that proverbial time of need.
Maybe someone should do a study: How many "friends" does the average Facebooker have, and by the definition of "friend", how many of these "friends" should be "unfriended".
William Shatner: "Friendship is a sacred thing. And I believe Facebook is cheapening it..." Agreed.
Kimmel: "I encourage you to cut out some of the friend fat in your life. A friend is someone you have a relationship with." Agreed.
I think everyone on Facebook ought to go through the list of "friends" and "unfriend" those that are not really friends, but then watch out:
Being "unfriended" could lead to severe anxiety, hypertension and even possible death. In fact, I think that being "unfriended" might be more dangerous, more of a silent killer than being "friended".
Imagine starting your day with 500 friends.
Imagine ending your day with 500 unfriends.
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You sad people! You're sitting there posting your musings about nothing to strangers, while hiding behind pseudo names. The difference with Facebook is that the people who are likely to read your postings there know you, in one way or another. Therefore your reputation is on the line.
That said, I do agree that people sometimes don't have much to say to some previously long lost acquaintances they've just rediscovered. That doesn't mean they're not listening to what you're posting. What's caused this 'friend' fatigue on Facebook is that until now, you were unable to group Facebook friends and target postings accordingly. In real life, we're (usually) selective of what we say and to whom, which is equivalent to grouping people. So having everyone listening to everything you have to say on Facebook does not match the real life scenario. That is the reason why not everyone responds to everything you're saying.
But creating Facebook groups can never truly reflect the dynamic nature of real life relationships.
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Maggie Shiels.
the fact that many organisations and inidividuals misuse words in the English language isn't news, Facebook misuses 'friend' to mean contact, the military misuses 'collateral damage' to mean killing innocent civilians, politicians misuse 'democracy' to mean fascism. but, hurrah, things surely must get better now that the campaign for a 'National Unfriend Day' has been endorsed by a media luvvie ("The initiative has a kind of medical stamp of approval from US TV show presenter Dr Mehmet Oz"). {claps hands}
neepheid #1.
"..I don't talk to strangers."
given that the first time you meet another person they are always 'a stranger', you have no one to talk to, I take it?
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I think it's a good idea to get rid from unneeded, harmful,useless, unseen, and unkwon friends or contacts. But I find it hard to unfriend one person I accepted his proposal to be electronic friends, even I admired the NUD idea very much, may be I get encouraged and say to unwanted people u r not my friends anymore....
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"do too many of us have fake friends on social networks that need to be given the heave-ho?"
My answer to the question is - I don't have this problem, I don't have a Facebook account, because I knew what was coming, you don't have to be a genius to see who Facebook is for. It's been invented (or rather re-invented) by someone with social problems, and now everyone seems to follow.
I have a few online friends and contacts using Skype already and just having 10 contacts is enough. I know people at work talking all day about "what's on Facebook" instead of working. They don't realize someone has to do the work for them.
The other factor is privacy, I need to be connected, but it doesn't mean I want to speak to someone every day for 5 hours. Once every couple of days is fine. Some people don't understand this and become offended when I don't talk to them every day.
I do have online friends who'm I have been with in real life and we may not speak to each other for weeks, months and they don't get offensive because of that. And those friends who respect my privacy I cherish the most. I meet with them once a year or maybe less frequently, but I know I can count on them and have fun when I have a chance to see them. What more do I need?
Facebook may be a convenient tool for many people and even businesses, but that doesn't mean everyone must have an account. Especially with all the fake identities that can come and haunt you and no one seems to be able to get this problem sorted by introducing laws Facebook would have to follow. As long as Facebook is silent to people's requests about privacy and protecting the young population from fraudsters and stalkers, everyone should think twice before signing up. There may be a reason behind such selfish attitude.
Last but not least, I have a lot of time for myself to watch movies, read books, online articles, go out discovering what the world looks like. Much more interesting than any online pseudo activity. Social networking is making people realize how shallow their minds have become. The wiser group will wake up and leave Facebook sooner or later.
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This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.
Yet another example of the literal terms being used instead of their actual context.
Facebook is purely a networking tool; one of many.
For some, social capital is gauged by who they know, for others, how many they know. If you can get excited by these things.... fill your boots.
People on my facebook friends list are people I have had contact with, and may need to contact again. It is a glorified address book, in the context of a 'virtual pub'. Use it how you want to, not how you would think others would want you to!!!
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The difference between social networks and actual networks is you have little or no control over what happens to that information - it's essentially in the public domain. This is a bit like sending a text to the wrong person who then forwards it to loads of other people and so on.
Since leaving that behind, I've rediscovered the best social networking too of all: a smile.
Smile at a real person and they smile back (usually); it makes other people feel happy and that's a good thing. It costs nothing and introduces us to new people; disarming most fears because human animals recognise smiles as friendly gestures.
I've met some great new people this way - and can now have real conversations with them - without everyone else I know finding out what was said.
I don't need Twitter or Facebook to tell me the latest news; I can just go to the local shops and pass the time of day with the staff as we go about our daily lives.
And it feels good but better than all of that, I'm not giving up everything I say to a group of faceless millionaires. I find it ironic that we care about surveillance and yet post our most intimate thoughts on sites like these.
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Being a delightful product of the baby boom era,child of Afrikan descent and an avid admirer of all things IT and communcations to date,I have several things to mention about the merits of Facebook. However,as I have not been one to sheepishly sign up with any SN or twitterised site that I've come across; mine rather remains a long lasting experiment.
On the inglorious and controverial subject of be-unfriending et al, I wholly agree on the ramifications of cyber-ettiquette and how a virtual snub can lead to real lasting social injury. I have come across several requests from friends of friends and have,in some cases, especially with those whom I vaguely had any idea of, simply ignored and, atimes grudgingly accepted 'out of the goodness of my heart' so as not to cause offense. but beyond that, I see one clear indicator of social finesse in this department...when an out and out non aquaintance makes contact and deigns to actually write an introductory note with the proferred request,it is far more enticing than the standard souless point-and-click I-want-a-(social) piece-of-u attitude.
Facebook has enabled a interesting multimedia connections with long lost friends and relatives and a discovery of connections perhaps hitherto unimagined.
Most importantly dear "friends", seeking a healthy balance in the way that we communcate with each other is what really matters.
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Methinks Mr. Shatner has too much time on his hands...
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It's pretty obvious not many of you are currently at Uni. We have to deal with this stupid Labour-inspired thing called PDP and one of it's corner stones is social-networking, particularly Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn. As a result we are "encouraged" to join, and actively use, these sites as it makes us "a better prospective employment candidate!"
Perhaps this explains why recent crops of degree laden numpties are so useless?
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Does this article remind anyone of the South Park episode "You have 0 Friends"? Stan ends up with over 800,000 'friends' because he knows someone who knows someone.
All my friends on Facebook are people I genuinely know and would go for a pint (or any other drink) with. It is ideal for keeping in touch with friends who have moved away to university else where or for arranging to meet friends for a night out. Also, I do think that most of the problems of privacy can be sorted out pretty easily using the settings.
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My facebook "friends" list is basically equivalent to my e-mail address book, minus a few strictly professional contacts I don't take to facebook.
Most people I know are living all over the world, and moving often enough that not only postal, but even e-mail addresses change more often than I can keep track of. I may not contact all of them often, but at least I want to keep the option open, and rather often I do actually take advantage of it.
I basically use facebook is a global phonebook - and more often than not the messages I send are of the "what's Your current address?" type.
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You say its impossible to have a thousand friends plus, sure its unlikly but statitics stat that it is perfecly possible, i have about 500 on facebook, and i know them all, and i would call them all friends.
It doesn't matter if i can ask to borrow money from them, i go out with most if them when ever i can.
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I thought facebook was just a bit of fun. Most people have a few friends they see regularly. As for unfriending someone, that is ridiculous why would anyone do such a thing. Only a brat would think they were so superior. Social climbing is silly under everyday circumstances let alone in cyber world. If someone asks to be your friend let them. Your social network is probably not as high profile as you may think otherwise you would not be on it. Anyone friends with someone important? You can like someone important but you cannot be friends with them. Unless?
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All my friends are on Facebook and I think I'm about the only person left who isn't on it. However this is one of the reasons why I actually haven't signed up yet, not because of the people you don't know but for the people that you actually do.
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