Write your limericks here!
Update 30/4/09: Juliet Stevenson read out her favourite limericks from those submitted here last night. This contest is now closed.
Click here to submit your limerick - add it to the comment box.Britain will have a new Poet Laureate next month. Outgoing laureate, Andrew Motion, wrote poems to address public events as well as Royal occasions, such as The Queen's 80th birthday.
On Thursday 30th April The One Show would like to mark the changing of the poetic guard by broadcasting your limericks about great British events and occasions. We're searching for The One Show Limerick Laureate! You choose the subject of your verse, but we're looking for rhymes about events of national importance; the 2012 Olympic Games, for example, or Prince Philip becoming Britain's longest serving royal consort...
Actress Juliet Stevenson will read out the best of your limericks on Thursday's show.
Send in your limericks here! The rules
Form and content: Please send in limericks. Five-lines in length and humorous in tone - celebrating a great British event or occasion. No more than five limericks can be submitted per person.
Judging: The One Show production team will compile a shortlist of the favourite limericks that are sent in. Actress Juliet Stevenson will then choose her favourites from that shortlist.
Closing date: 1pm, Thursday 30th April 2009.
Click here to submit your limerick - add it to the comment box, below.
- IMPORTANT: Please submit your name and location with your limerick, so that if you are chosen we can mention you on The One Show.
- PLEASE NOTE: We can not consider your entry if it is any more than five lines.
© MMIX~RS~q~RS~~RS~z~RS~44~RS~)
Comments
A T.V. presenter called Christine
Whose appearance is always so pristine
Sits with a bloke
Who is merely a joke
But she should be in the Sistine !
Complain about this comment
Glenbuck Son
1913-1981
In Glenbuck he was born
From an Ayrshire mine he did rise
The man who would change so many lives
With the Cherry Pickers he played the game
With Carlisle United he first found fame
At Deepdale with Tom Finny he did play
Seven caps for Scotland he was proud to display
As a manager new tricks to learn
To Carlisle United he did return
At Grimsby he cast his net
The Glenbuck son's destiny was set
Workington and Huddersfield he did run
No to Liverpool in '51
Eight years down the line
An historic day in December '59
All would soon fear the famous THIS IS ANFIELD sign
Promotion in '62
Champions in '64
The Glenbuck son, Kopites did adore
'65 to Wembley in May
The Glenbuck son took the Cup away
Now Into Europe he lead his team
To be Champions of Europe was his dream
Cheated in Milan, all was doom and gloom
Now back home in his beloved boot room
The Glenbuck son would sit in a huddle
'73 he won a league and UEFA cup double
May 74 back at Wembley once more
Malcolm McDonald, what's the score?
July, the Kopites heads are down
The Glenbuck son has relinquished his crown
September 1981
Rest in peace our Glenbuck son
Forever we celebrate his memory
Thank you to the KING BILL SHANKLY
Complain about this comment
There once was a team called West Brom,
Online that's wba.com,
Poor Adrian Chiles,
Had few reasons for smiles,
'Cos they dropped out the Prem like a bomb.
Roger, Douglas, Isle of Man
Complain about this comment
There was a young girl who begat
Three sons named Nat, Pat and Tat
'Twas fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
When she found there was no tit for tat
Complain about this comment
There was an old geezer called Ghandi
Who popped in the pub for a shandy
With his huge loin cloth
He wiped off the froth
and Ghandi said blimy thats handy
Complain about this comment
On the peak of a hill in Tibet
two men reached the summit first, yet
it took days to get down
and young Liz got the crown
both memorable moments I'll bet!
Complain about this comment
There is no need for depression
Just because there is a recession
Tighten your belt
At least you’ll look svelte
On the sandy beaches of Weston!
Complain about this comment
Men and women have battled it out
To leave not a shadow of a doubt
That on the One Show
The girls get to show
What being on top’s all about!
Complain about this comment
There was once a prime minister called Thatcher
whom the I.R.A tried to snatch her
They blew a Brighton Hotel
Half way to hell
But fortunately didn't dispatch her.
From Mrs C. Kenton in Aldershot
Complain about this comment
Ponting and Hayden and Warne
The epitome of cricket porn.
But in 2005
Were made to break down and cry
By Flintoff, Trescothick and Vaughan
(oh and Pietersen, Hoggy, Harmy, Colly, Belly, Wheely Bin, Jonesy, Straussy and Geraint)
Complain about this comment
Little England
"Yeah I Know" those feet in present time,
Paddle in England's mucky brine,
"Yeah but" the Fish'n'Chips so rule,
My taste buds tingle every time.
And do comedians divine,
Shine forth from our little screen,
And is the laughter heard there,
Among these comfy, cosy chairs.
Bring me my phone of mobile gold,
Bring me my txting desire,
Bring me my laptop, widescreen unfold,
Bring me my e-mail down the wire.
I will not cease from mobile chat,
Nor shall my mouse sleep in my hand,
Till we have built simusalem,
In England's techno wonderland.
EEH EHH EHH!
By Jessica (16) & Andy Smith (54)
Daughter and Father
Complain about this comment
Musicians with verve and aplomb
Play shantys and nationalist song
With rose, leek or thistle
With duck-calls and whistle
The crowd loves Last Night of the Proms
Complain about this comment
When the Prince and the Princess faced marriage,
all smiling, in an open-top carriage.
I slept on the street,
bum numb, frozen feet.
So I stamped and I neighed the entourage.
Complain about this comment
Londons getting a revamp - for the games in 2012,
but thanks to the clowns in canary wharf some plans we'll have to shelve,
We'll just do a little down sizing and stage the whole thing in the dome,
oh how we all laughed when that other buffoon said " ping-pongs coming home"
Complain about this comment
Each Spring on the Thames there's a war,
With a splash and a crash of an oar;
It's blue against blue
To find the first crew
Past Mortlake,to greet the crowd's roar!
Complain about this comment
The one show makes you smile
The one so makes you happy
It would be even better
If the music wasn't so crappy.
Complain about this comment
There's been a bun fight down in the smoke
Boris, Ken and the Liberal bloke
Who watched the polls sway
Then shouted 'May Day'
As the newtkeeper sank 'neath the Joker.
There's a middle-aged man from Kircaldy
Who leads an auspicious body
While his pals sing his praise
Others number his days
Declaring his work a tad shoddy.
There are plans for a new type of town
Claimed ecologically sound
But protesters vent spleen
Say it's not based on 'green'
But in cash for the sale of the ground.
Complain about this comment
There's a program we all love and know
I believe it's called The One Show
Adrian and Christine sit back to back
somtimes nan al' say don't watch this old tack
so wel say oh nan whats that is it snow? that keeps her going' to and fro
They report on the news
Sometimes it gives me the blues
The family sit round
Without a sound
Until someone needs the loo's
The queen wore her elegant hat
while we were all wearing tat
So she sat in her chair
giggles made here aware
that by mistake she'd sat on the cat...
Complain about this comment
bangers and mash, yorkshires and beef.
All British grub to get stuck in yout teef.
Gravy,spuds its a full blown roast,
so to great British grub let's raise a toast!
Complain about this comment
Farewell Diana
Your Death stopped the World in a moment
It came to a halt, with a sigh
The tears of the people filled an ocean
The cries from the heart darkened the skies
As the gates of Heaven opened
To the fanfare of heavenly choirs
We say goodbye to a Mother
A Friend
A Princess
A Child
You walk into Heaven with Dodi
And Rupert, a Puppy we loved
He may help ease the pain and the sorrow
of leaving your sons far behind
Your Father in Heaven is waiting
To welcome you into his arms
And the Angels in Heaven will love you
With regret, our love only hurt
You entered our secret places
Hidden deep within our souls
And brought to the surface feelings
A love that will never grow old
You will be missed, Diana
Not just here but around the world
By millions and millions of loyal subjects
A friend no longer to behold
Go in peace and Love with Dodi
With Rupert playing near by
Say goodbye to a Princess forever
Walk free Diana don't cry
The world will always remember
all the great deeds you have done
the brightest star in the heavens
a lovely young woman has gone
Complain about this comment
A poet, the great Andrew Motion,
created quite a commotion;
when he came to retire
said a girl should aspire
to beat men to this promotion.
So they asked Wendy Cope
if she’d take on the job
she replied ‘not a hope’
with laugh and a sob
‘What me, Laureate? What a notion.’
or perhaps we aspire
to one who can inspire
and a good candidate,
I’m telling you straight
would be Benjamin Zephaniah.
Before you go away huffy
I propose Carole Anne Duffy
who likes to tell stories
and what is more is
a poet who’s never been stuffy.
Complain about this comment
My mothers an out and out royalist - so one year just for a treat,
We went to a royal garden party and prince phillip she really did meet,
My mother was proud as a peacock and her outfit said style and class,
but that didnt stop her from having a smoke and flicking her fag on the grass!!
Complain about this comment
There once was a young man named Tony,
Called the One Show a load of baloney,
He was bopped on the head by lovely Christine,
And was never again to be seen
Complain about this comment
A poet, the great Andrew Motion,
created quite a commotion;
when he came to retire
said a girl should aspire
to beat men to this promotion.
So they asked Wendy Cope
if she`d take on the job
she replied `not a hope`
with laugh and a sob
`What me, Laureate? What a notion.`
or perhaps we aspire
to one who can inspire
and a good candidate,
I’m telling you straight
would be Benjamin Zephaniah.
Before you go away huffy
I propose Carole Anne Duffy
who likes to tell stories
and what is more is
a poet who’s never been stuffy.
Complain about this comment
I watched the one show on TV
A good use of time with my tea,
Thought I would join the rest,
Put my brain to the test
and send them a limerick from me.
Complain about this comment
The Silver Jubilee, wow, what a treat for me!!
A street party, never done before, blimey, bunting galore
The Queen on the telly, us eating ice-cream and jelly
The table is 15foot long!! everyone joins in with a London sing song
The Silver Jubilee 1977, a special day, a little taste of heaven
Complain about this comment
There was a young man from West Looe
Whose limericks stopped at line two
...... .... .. ... .....
**** ******* ** ** *******
!! !! !!!!'! !!! !!!!!! !! !!!!!
Complain about this comment
When christine first mentioned laureate,
Ade thought he he had signed as a baggy!,
so get on your bike and shed some more weight,
Your man boobs are looking quite saggy!
Complain about this comment
Mr Adrian Childs
On the One Show,seems meak and mild
With dead pan expresson
Gives me the impression
That Christine's about to go wild!
Complain about this comment
The beautiful young Queen of Sheba
Was seduced by a British (?) amoeba
This strange blob of jelly
Would lie on her belly
And, quivering, whisper "Ich liebe"
Complain about this comment
There was a bold Tyler called Wat
Who toadied to lords not a jot.
He hipped the young king
To the equal opps thing
So they killed him, the horrible lot.
Complain about this comment
In Britain we're bonkers for conkers,
Cheese rolling, and dancing with sticks,
Racing with frogs,
Prancing in clogs,
Hurrah for the Great British Eccentrics!
Polly Marchant
Cambridgeshire.
Complain about this comment
I went on safari last summer,
packed supplies and a map – wild - but rummer
than strange antics at night,
Norwich Web LIVE with fright:
those elephants – sold – was much dumber.
Complain about this comment
The best show on the TV by miles
Is brightened by Christine’s sweet smiles
And her accent is great
Which partly compensates
For that coming from Adrian Chiles.
The event that has brought the most fun
Not a sport or a wedding, but sung
At that great Eurovision
When we gained last position
And finished the night with null points.
In recent years the best football thrill
Wasn’t Gazza or Georgie Best’s skill
Sixty-six was okay
But I cherish the day
When Watford beat West Brom three-nil.*
(*September 11th 1982 in case Adrian had forgotten…)
Complain about this comment
I'm what I have never been before
I've become a mother-in-law
So let it be said
My son has been wed
And I've a lovely daughter-in-law
Complain about this comment
I have a friend who train spots
he's really quite a bore
but putting spots on trains
must be a terrible chore.
Complain about this comment
The rain it pours upon my head
even when I lie in bed
I think there must be a hole in my roof
O I wish these sheets were water-proof.
Complain about this comment
We now have a PM called Brown
Who is such an incompetent clown
He's caused a recession
We are in a depression
Please somebody wind this man down
Complain about this comment
The new Poet Laureate, we proudly
announce – he’s delivered – quite roundly.
We hope he can rhyme,
recite for our time;
likes Corgis, rum pay and reads soundly.
Complain about this comment
They pounded and pounded the street,
several thousand sore feet,
But all was fine
as they crossed the line
and the medal was such a treat.
Complain about this comment
In May Ninety-Nine Andrew Motion
Was offered a royal promotion.
“Young man,” said The Queen,
“Just you keep those rhymes clean –
Old Ted Hughes NEVER caused a commotion!”
Complain about this comment
In May Ninety-nine Andrew Motion
Was offered a royal promotion.
"Young man," said The Queen,
"Just you keep those rhymes clean –
Old Ted Hughes NEVER caused a commotion!"
Complain about this comment
I play english bowls in Spain
there invasion of ENGLAND invain
We defeated the Spanish Armada
they should have tried harder
We now beat them again &again.
Complain about this comment
In days of old
When knights were bold
And toilets wern't invented
They'd dump their load
Along the road
And walk off, so contented
Complain about this comment
We may never know what it saw
Coz it broke when it hit the Mars floor
But the British-made probe Beagle 2
Hit an alien sat on the loo
And he’s coming to settle the score
Complain about this comment
Night & Day, Day & Night I have sat up,
Baaing angrily like a grumpy old tup,
But in my one cell mind,
Nothing else could I find,
Than the day England won the World Cup!
Complain about this comment
Roger Bannister is a hero to me
A mile under four minutes you see
At the end of four laps
He was near to collapse
But revived with a nice cup of tea!!!
Complain about this comment
The Street Party
I was only eight years old in 1953,
but I remeber vividly our massive street party.
It was a very special occasion for friends and family
and most of us wore fancy dress including little me!
There were tables and chairs the length of our street,
sandwiches, jellies, cakes and lots more to eat.
It was great fun and a fantastic celebration;
Oh! did I forget to say - it was our Queen's Coronation!
Complain about this comment
After years of astute retrospection,
Soon the British will show their affection
For the only real way
We can still have our say —
This event that we love? An election!
Complain about this comment
We grieve that he has gone, his coat retains
that memory of golden days, complains
poor height – now stuffed,
all brushed, and fluffed,
that vexed – when chasing cats – his short remains.
Complain about this comment
The Year Two Thousand and Five
Was the time for our cricket to thrive,
'Cause those Aussies weren't ready
For Kevin and Freddie -
They Ricky Ponting alive!
Complain about this comment
The Year Two Thousand and Five
Was the time for our cricket to thrive,
'Cause those Aussies weren't ready
For Kevin and Freddie -
They skinned Ricky Ponting alive!
Complain about this comment
I watched the marathon on Sunday,
And I thought my gosh what a fun day,
I might be quite mad,
But the fun that they had,
I might have a go at it one day!
Complain about this comment
Poet Laureates - dated and kitsch?
We've no patience for lengthy prose which
Takes no trouble to rhyme,
While the lim'rick sublime
Is the byte-size that scratches our itch.
Complain about this comment
There's a story concerning some men
In training with Christopher Wren;
When designing new homes
They included large domes
Ane were given three marks out of ten
When the hair up on top's getting thin
And more handfuls fall out than grow in,
Moving follicles south
To take root round your mouth
Makes a surrogate head of your chin.
A lady who knows what it's at
Liked meat that was quite free of fat;
Buying slices of whale
She lost all sense of scale
And asked for the head for her cat.
Opinions are floatin' and hoverin'
As to whether we all need a sovereign;
Whether Prince, King or Queen
They're so seldom seen
Is there any real point in us botherin'?
A cross-channel swimmer from Looe,
Got upset, as they're reckoned to do;
Some called it "an antic"
When he swam The Atlantic
In the deck-pools of Queen Mary 2.
Complain about this comment
Henry the Eighth, known as Harry
Was never too sure who to marry
When Anne had a daughter
Anne was put to the slaughter
So Jane Seymour could tarry with Harry.
Complain about this comment
At Trafalgar in 1805
The battle raged wild and alive
While Nelson the bold
With our heroes untold
Saved the day, though some paid with their lives
Complain about this comment
Duke of Edinburgh is his name
longest serving consort his fame
at age eighty seven
he is in seventh heaven
putting his foot in it just the same.
Complain about this comment
Prince John lost his jewels in the Wash
Going into the water was Rash
His men should have told him
The waves would enfold him
If he went out to sea with his Cash
Complain about this comment
The Laureate of Poems has retired
For ten years was loved and admired
With poems for the queen
His writing supreme
A pity his contract's expired
A new one is sought as of May
The work should begin straight away
Lets gather them all
Stick them in a hall
Examine them all for a day
There cannot be gossip or dirt
Or anything else that could hurt
No crime or high jinks
No furtive eye winks
A bright disposition - not curt
The One Show's enlisted for aid
A limerick event was ok'd
A famous event
Described by lament
Get to it and don't be afraid
So its Laureate himself - Andrew Motion
Who caused all this fuss and commotion
So these are my tricks
My 5 limericks
I hope you appreciate the notion!!!!
Complain about this comment
When word reached her of Philip's Armada,
Queen Elizabeth cried, "He'll get nada!"
Taking on Master Drake--
That's a major mistake.
We will send him home wiser--and sada!"
Complain about this comment
With the barrels all ready to blow
And Parliament all set to glow
They busted poor Guy
But before he did die
He turned round and simply said "D'oh".
Complain about this comment
2012, when we do the accounts,
And we can't quite believe the amounts ...
Athletes claim, "It's fantastic -
Medals bronze, iron and plastic!
Taking part is the thing we say counts."
Complain about this comment
Bob Dylan wrote a French film song, released
later than the album (out soon). So pleased
were fans, to sing of love,
their hearts lifted above.
The Never-Ending Tour till he’s deceased.
Complain about this comment
With the Credit Crunch munching your savings,
Just ignore the political ravings.
Spend what you've got!
Just blow the whole lot!
And indulge all your secretive cravings!
This is Donmaur's limerick for the competition. I could not access the correcxt place to write it on your blog.
Thank you
Complain about this comment
A Great British event is the weather
We'll be talking about it for ever
Hurricanes too blowy
Chaos when its snowy
Bless our moaning - it brings us together
Complain about this comment
"Kiss me Hardy," cried Nelson. "I'm shot.
I'm a goner as likely as not.
Like my ship, I'm a wreck...
Keep your hands on the deck,
Sir! Stop kissing my sensitive spot!"
Complain about this comment
Recession is a word
That really shouldn't be heard
Do we spend,do we save,
Do we borrow.
It's totally absurd.
There is no easy answer
Not any plan will do
You just have to be carefull
That you don't
Step in the poo
If everyone would muck in
And do there little bit
Britain wuold be Great
Once more
Instead of in the sh*t.
Complain about this comment
There was a young man named chiles,
He would walk for miles and miles
He met Christine, and now their a team,
Now everything's peaches and cream
Complain about this comment
When Michael Caine took on the Zulu
The badguys all ran and said boo-hoo
But what not many know
Is they all had to go
Coz arriving to sing there was Lulu
Complain about this comment
Heed my warning dear sweet Juliet,
That the One Show is 'Russian roulette'.
An Olivier Award,
Or to fall on your sword?
Nonetheless, I've enjoyed our duet.
Complain about this comment
Isaac Newton, the Great British knight
A science bestseller did write
Motions’ laws he defined
Telescopes he refined
And he showed us true colours of light
Complain about this comment
So Boris is London's new mayor
Poor Ken must be deep in despair
With what lies in stor
There's one thing I'm sure
We'll all need some clean underwear.
Complain about this comment
We’re going to stop this awful recession
Or so Gordon gave us that impression
He spent our money
Flushed down the dunny
Now all we have is a promised discussion
The saying goes that we won the war
Winning all conflicts and so much more
So what did we win?
For sticking out our chin
Overcharged for going back on a tour
Sixty six was the year we won the cup
Forty years on we still live it up
Memories are good
If wearing a hood
But why the need to keep playing catch-up
We built a plane faster than sound
Astonishing all those who stood around
So why have we stopped
Our Designs never flopped
Let’s get more ideas off the ground
M Ps expenses have all been too much
Paying for houses, videos and such
What good are they?
If unable to say
That the money just keeps me in touch
Complain about this comment
I am enclosing a poem that will stop MRSA in Hospitals
Hospitals
Why do the people in charge of these places
Not see the problem staring into their faces
The staff all work hard and clean everywhere
Then allow anyone to wander in without care
Why allow visits direct from the gutter
Or any job that entails lots of clutter
The dustmen or operative straight from the firms
Would no doubt advise you the job carries germs
The farmer coming from spreading the muck
Will no doubt carry some to you on his truck
All of this debris should be left outside
And not taken in to the patients bedside
Once it is clean, why not keep it that way
Keeping the dirt and germs at bay
The answer is simple and not a great task
An all in one suit and a good face mask
This long suit to put on when coming to visit
Would not break the bank or loosen the budget
When compared to the consequences of MRSA
This barrier used once and then thrown away
This would keep all matter inside the suit
And the mask would stop any dispute
Starting the clean up outside the wards
A situation that will reap its own rewards
Laurie Yates
Complain about this comment
There is this strange man called A. Darling
He has eyebrows that are so very startling
He's just done the budget
Oh my word how he fudged it
So farewell to my cold pint of Carling
Complain about this comment
A bohemian singer called Bob
Saw feeding the world as his job
He involved politicians
And loads of musicians
Live Aid happened-worldwide-good job Bob!
Complain about this comment
We won the rugby world cup in 2003
The greatest drop goal I ever did see
Forget other sports
I love the short shorts
Its those big thighs that do it for me!
Complain about this comment
Some English chefs, they are winners!
Giving kids loads of healthy school dinners!
With fruit and fresh veggies,
Rice, pasta and veggies
Our youth will be bright, fit and thinner!
Complain about this comment
England won the World Cup--what a season!
But we've not won it since, and the reason,
Apparent at once, is
We like to pick dunces
For roles they have no expertise in.
Complain about this comment
Home entertainment is changing you see,
Hundreds of channels, Nintendo and Wii,
Thou' for drama, radio and news
Documentaries and blues
Just tune into the great BBC!!
Complain about this comment
oops no. 79 is wrong..I'll do it again!
Some English chefs, they are winners
Giving kids loads of healthy school dinners.
With fruit and fresh veggies
Rice, pasta and wedges
Our youth will be bright, fit and thinner.
Complain about this comment
Two mates Shearer and Chiles,
Cycled for miles and miles,
They kept up a good speed For those children in need,
At the end of their trip
Poor Chiles split his lip,
So now it hurts when he smiles.
Complain about this comment
When the Vikings were sent here by Thor,
We enquired politely, "What for?"
They replied, "For your village,"
And after mass pillage,
Made off with the spoils of war.
Complain about this comment
In the Great War it paid to comply,
To take orders without asking why,
And expect zero thanks
From the officer ranks,
As they carelessly sent you to die.
Complain about this comment
Who invented TV then? Who dared?
Why, a Scotsman, named John Logie Baird.
Thanks to this brilliant Jock
Children no longer talk.
They just gawp from their sofas, ensnared.
Complain about this comment
Our Chancellor's taxing us dry,
With a relish he cannot deny.
Come next year's election
We'll force his ejection,
And cheerfully wave him goodbye.
Complain about this comment
Charles I got a terrible shock
When they severed his head on the block.
The Divine Right of Kings
Was just one of those things
He could talk of, but not walk the walk.
Complain about this comment
When Beckett crossed Henry the Second,
In his silent cathedral, death beckoned.
This "turbulent priest"
Fell there, cruelly deceased—
Not the fate upon which he had reckoned!
Complain about this comment
In 66 in the season of summer
outside England it couldnt be dumber
Since the 3rd hit the net
You wont let us forget
For us Scots the result was a BUMMER!
Complain about this comment
Bobby Charlton played football with Jack.
Jack defended, while Bob would attack.
They made England light up
When they won the World Cup
In the team that drove Germany back.
Complain about this comment
Declared Baldwin to Edward, "Old thing,
If you want to continue as King,
Then don't be a gimp, son,
Despatch Mrs Simpson.
Your choice — England's crown or a fling."
Complain about this comment
Pensioner's Lament
In the midst of the credit crunch floor show
I sit around scratching my torso
It ain't nothing new
But what can I do
I've always been poor, now I'm more so!
Complain about this comment
On a hot dry St George's day,
The pub's atmosphere was light and gay.
A man lowered his half empty flagon,
Looking up he saw a dragon,
It was in the sky,
But not flying by,
A man said "They've put King Arthur's flag up!"
Complain about this comment
The avoidable Darien Scheme
which ruined the colletive Scots dream
it bankrupt the Scots bank
with the English to thank
Now Scots and English are in the same team
Complain about this comment
The inspiring Olympian Chris Hoy
Was in training since he was a boy
He goes past in a blur
So they made him a Sir
to his country it sure was a joy!
Complain about this comment
The Cup Final at Wembley's a prom
For footballing's finest therefrom.
They're predicting a war
And have fitted therefore,
A pitch re-enacting the Somme!
Complain about this comment
There was a young striker called Hurst
Who netted 3 goals in a burst.
The Germans were routed;
How could we have doubted!
The World Cup was ours - just our first?
Complain about this comment
If Cameron gets into power
His job will get worse by the hour
It's a hollow success
When UK's in a mess
'What a bummer!' he'll say with a glower.
Complain about this comment
A gorgeous presenter named Chiles
Has melted my heart with his smiles
For a glimpse of his all
Over hot coals I'd crawl
For miles and miles and miles...
Complain about this comment
THE BANKING CRISIS
everything is not what it seems
it's just like a tin of baked beans,
the taste is just great
but that was the bait
as the fart still comes straight through your jeans
Complain about this comment
THE publics choice
democracy is a free choice from the list provided.
communism is a set choice from the list decided.
freedom is a preview from the list confided.
civil war is the list decided
by choices that have collided.
Complain about this comment
Theres a man called Adrian Chiles
whose team are bottom by miles
because they're going down
all he does is frown
leaving Christine to show us the smiles
Complain about this comment
The day when our future King
Gave Diana a beautiful ring
We took her to heart
Right from the start
And what a big loss she has been
Complain about this comment
With a ground-shaking, deafening roar,
She would leap from the ground: She would soar,
'til the men in the suits,
clipped her wings at the roots.
Concorde graces the heavens no more.
Complain about this comment
It's 7 o'clock in the morning
The day is beginning it's dawning
The Great British thought
Is not for the Sport
Instead it's the weather they're mourning !
Complain about this comment
There once was a team called West Brom
Complain about this comment
There once was a team called West Brom, Who with the Premiership didn't get on, But with the support and smiles, Of Adrian Chiles, Their return surely will not be long.
Complain about this comment
Old McDonald is on his farm
But things are turning bad.
His chickens got flu
His sheep's tongue has turned blue
And his cows gone completley mad!
Complain about this comment
An Empire with far distant tips,
Only reached by magnificent ships
Has been rightly returned,
But what have we learned?
Curry sauce improves fish and chips.
The Bard of Market Drayton
Complain about this comment
On BBC1 you should know
Is the cool programme call The One Show
Full of great information
to improve education
and great fun to give you a glow
Complain about this comment
In September my grandson was born
On an early and bright Monday morn
At 11pounds weight
He is Alex the Great
with a smile than can brighten the dawn
Complain about this comment
I remember the day Di and Dodi died
I felt a pain deep inside
Was it the stress
at the loss of a princess
Or the greasy breakfast I had just fried ?
Complain about this comment
We once had a queen called Victoria
Not known for enjoying euphoria
"I feel quite abused
I am not amused
Might be better if my name was Gloria".
And then there was number eight Henry
Not a great one for being real friendly.
"Off with his head"
He frquently said
Whenever his temper turned angry.
The first William landed from Normandy.
It's a journey that's really quite handy
The only oe of our kings
To arrive at Hastings
But he marched on,'cos the beac wasn't sandy.
There was aso a ing called Canute
Who got into a serious dispute
With the waves of the sea.
"You must go back," said he,
"You are soaking my new leather boots."
From the Yorkists came Richard the Third
Reputedly quite undeterred
When his death was foretold.
But his crown of gold rolled
Under a bush, where it looked so absurd.
Dobro vecer, Adrian & Christine.
Complain about this comment
In '71 I should have celebrated
I had got married, the certificate stated
But inside I cried
My heart had died
It was the year Burnley were first relegated
Complain about this comment
Blair lured by Bush’s seduction
Got involved in a major disruption,
By attacking Iraq
Without bringing back
Any weapons of mass destruction
The Bard of Market Drayton
Complain about this comment
A young girl who had a bunion,
Which was nearly the size of an onion,
Saw an M.O.
Showed him her toe,
And he said,"my God that's a funny 'un.
Complain about this comment
There was ayoung man called Chris,
A pint he would never miss,
One night he was too late,
And the pub was shut,
Who on earth wrote this?
Complain about this comment
Dear One Show, I have this one notion
To emulate Laureate Motion
And for our own King and Queen
Namely Adrian and Christine
I do offer my rhyming devotion
Peter Lewis - Sheffield
Complain about this comment
There was a young man called Warren,
Who took to wearing a Sporran,
He wasn't a Scot,
Believe it or not,
And he certainly wasn't forran. (foreign)
Complain about this comment
Northern Rock spat the dummy -
I tell you, this was not funny:
I'd bought myself shares
Quite unawares
that the gov't could nick all my money!
PS re the dance-off - I thought the men were brilliant!
Lis B
Complain about this comment
There was a young man called Tony,
Who used to live on his owny,
He hardly ate,
Now he's lost weight,
I'm afraid he looks terribly bony.
Complain about this comment
I met my bank manager to mention
I needed to build an extension,
He said, “My friend
We have no money to lend”
I asked could he not use his pension.
The Bard of Market Drayton
Complain about this comment
There’s one thing that really narks
When blogging the One Show for larks
Inverted commas and
Apostrophes land
On the web site as question marks
Complain about this comment
A man with outrageous hair,
was strangely elected as Mayor,
Not majorly historic,
but we love our friend Boris
Who sayes what others wouldn't dare.
In Bejing in Two Thousand and Eight
Maybe not a historical date.
but Team GB
made us proud to be
British, and that felt Great!
Complain about this comment
Reality telly is nowt
But tatt that is banded about
Wi folk what can't sing
And numbers to ring
The powers in charge need a clout!!
* * *
Complain about this comment
George is Englands Patron Saint,
But celebrated he ain't,
For it seems not allowed,
To be English and proud,
In this country of freedom of speech.
Complain about this comment
We have wheelie bins every colour and hue
A brown and a green and a blue
When I meet my demise
And I'm up in the skies
Spread my ashes in the black bin, thank you.
Complain about this comment
There was a left winger from West Brom
Who shot down the wing like a bomb
He went through the net
And I don't know yet
Wether he's stopped or still going on
Complain about this comment
With a ground-shaking, deafening roar,
She would leap from the ground: She would soar,
'til the men in the suits,
clipped her wings at the roots.
Concorde graces the heavens no more.
Guy Musgrove, Worthing
(Sorry forgot to put my name/location the first time!)
Complain about this comment
America has a new President.
In the White House a black man is resident.
His wife's called Michelle,
She sure is swell.
Are the Obamas setting Britain a precedent?
There was a stallion called Red Rum.
Thousands to see him would come.
He was the best horse
On the National Course,
But Ginger McCain's best chum.
There is a young Brit called Murray,
Whose tennis gets us in a flurry.
The strokes from his racket
Will earn him a packet
If he wins Wimbledon this year in a hurry.
From Barbara Nicholson from Lancaster
Complain about this comment
On the day Sir Alex was knighted
He got himself very excited
Called her Majesty "hen"
Now never again
To the palace will he be invited
Complain about this comment
When Alan Shearer and Adrian Chiles
Did a charity ride in the grandest of styles
They both found it tough
Alan's view was dead rough
Looking at Adrian's bum for 400 miles
Complain about this comment
When it's time for olympic trials
check out our Christine's style
I don't think she'll win
but with her beautiful grin
she could well do a four minute smile
Complain about this comment
When Horatio first fought the French
To Hardy he said, "what's that stench"?
It's garlic m'Lord
Nelson said, "Oh my gawd,
oh please kiss me, I'm missing my wench"
Complain about this comment
King Henry the Eighth, so amorous was he
His armour and codpiece he struggled to free
He fell off his horse
Was embarrassed of course
So beheaded two wives with much glee!
Complain about this comment
Nightly at seven one's glued to the box
One's watching One heaven and Christine's nice frocks
Great features, great stories plus Adrian's socks
How one loves the One show
It certainly rocks!
Complain about this comment
There was a new Show they called "One"
Which all hoped would have a long run
So with Christine and our Ade
And a star who they've paid
They're still making it big and good fun
Complain about this comment
Our bosses in Brussels, God-Bless-em-all,
Decided to change us to decimal.
Though not very willing,
We abounded the shilling
For benefits infinitessimal.
Lawrence Bader
Enfield Middx
020:8366:1142
Complain about this comment
10/1966 (66 syllables)
Shall I compare we to a summer's day in 1966
when Germany were outplayed by Norman French from 1066
the sons-nets of Shakespeare had more thirst
with Styles on the Ball they Banks on Hurst
save extended credit is overdrawn and leaves our world in a fix!
Complain about this comment
Aberteifi, South-West Wales
Complain about this comment
Well done you banking street hogs!!
Between you and the government trogs
You had all the clout
And you bossed us about
Now our savings have gone to the dogs
Complain about this comment
Well done you banking street hogs!!
Between you and the government trogs
You had all the clout
And you bossed us about
Now our savings have gone to the dogs
Marnie
Essex
Complain about this comment
From Tony Keeley, Knypersley, Stoke-on-Trent
For Pork Chops, I am first in the queue
And Pigs Trotters, I've had quite a few
I was always quite shy
When I heard "Pigs might fly"
Until somebody mentioned Swine Flu.
The Gunpowder Plot wasn't bright
But it gave the MP's quite a fright
Just imagine the rage
On Ye Mirror's front page
"GUY FAWKES IT ALL UP ON THE NIGHT".
The history of war catalogues
Waterloo, Iron Duke and his blogs
When the Iron Duke's shoes
Became front page news
"HERO WELLINGTON BOOTS OUT THE FROGS".
Complain about this comment
By miles he outshone the rest
With his guile, his grace and finesse
Panache, savoir faire
No-one to compare
He was Georgie and simply the best
Complain about this comment
From Tony Keeley, Knypersley, Stoke-on-Trent. Here's one for Adrian.
Though their fabulous Balti's are yummy
Yow may think Black Country accents are crummy
But wil some foreign guests
Be quite frank and request
A simultaneous translation of Brummie ?
And if we ever change to the Euro (lwt's hope not)
If you're spending a penny when you're in
European big cities like Turin
Or you're caught short in Truro
You'll be spending a Euro
'Cos Euros in Greek stands for urine.
Complain about this comment
One of the best things I know about Britain,
Is that everyone can have an opinion
If you're Labour or Tory
You've all got a story
And will not end up in a dungeon
Complain about this comment
They say Britain is now in the RED
Abd hope it won't go further down
Perhaps going GREEN
Is the way we should lean
After successfully removing the BROWN!
Complain about this comment
I once saw a young man from Turkey
Who seemed quite upbeat and quirky!
He went for a jog,
Then drank some eggnog,
And went home ate some beef jerky.
Ella, London
Complain about this comment
Hawking, the theory, Big Bang!
The great and the good are his clan
His syndrome means mime
Wrote, “Brief History of Time”
The finest of Oxbridge, his gang
Complain about this comment
'Tis the season for Morris dancing
Round the May Pole we will be dancing
We will wear May blossom
Our hankies, we'll toss 'em
To make sure the girls at us are glancing
Paul Woking
Complain about this comment
The Germans are coming, and their hot
But this is football, not to bomb our chip shop
The opposition look good in their white kit
But our lads won, working hard and doing their bit
Victory was ours better than a gong,
They did so much btter than poor WEST BROM
Complain about this comment
“Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch” is the name of a station,
The longest for your information,
And “Antidisestablishmentarianism”’s a word,
Whose length is absurd,
And so is “Floccinaucinihilipilification”
Complain about this comment
There do not appear to be any limericks about Poet Laureates, so here's one, and as you have a Shakespearean actor to read them she might like to 'Guilgud' this one.
In the pit of the mind
the poet quarries it,
Stricken and scarred and
so sorry it
Takes pain and such time
To extract such a rhyme
That befits both his loyalty
and Laureate.
Franktopping
Complain about this comment
With the Battle of Britain begun
Germans thought they had us on the run
In the Chancellor's Hall
Hitler held a great ball
(Though it's rumoured he held only one).
Complain about this comment
There do not appear to be any limericks about Poet Laureates, so here's one, and as you have a Shakespearean actor to read them she might like to 'Guilgud' this one.
In the pit of the mind the poet quarries it,
Stricken and scarred and so sorry it
Takes pain and such time
To extract such a rhyme
That befits both his loyalty and Laureate.
Franktopping
Complain about this comment
I remember Millenium Day
And the threat that they called Y2K
I climbed in my bunker
To fret and to hunker
Is it safe now to leave, would you say?
Complain about this comment
Napoleon cried, "Waterloo!"
"Now there's a fine how d'ye do"
"To rule, I was bent"
"The entire continent"
"Though I s'pose Saint Helena will do."
Complain about this comment
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch" is the name of a station,
The longest for your information,
And "Antidisestablishmentarianism"'s a word,
Whose length is absurd,
And so is "Floccinaucinihilipilification"
David P. Jones
Market Harborough
Complain about this comment
I am adrift then and over,
lie breathing on the clothed Lover
clapped out and empty,
emptied of worry
under blossom falling above me.
Complain about this comment
There is a young girl called christine
Whose legs are incredibly lean
She shows them each night
To cries of delight
while her smile simply lights up the screen
David Godfrey
Walsall
Complain about this comment
Spare a thought for poor Gordon Brown,
Who's popularity seems to keep falling down,
No sooner has he spoke,
Than his plans go up in smoke,
And his bumbling has grown in reknown.
Vincent Coster
Cavan, Eire
Complain about this comment
That infamous Gunpowder Plot
Achieved, I suppose, not a lot
'Less you like standing there
While sparks rend the air
Above a disused parking lot
Complain about this comment
supernannyk from Cambridgeshire
The death of George VI
As a thermometer monitor I stood outside
A women ran up and "The King has died"
"Now go inside and tell them all"
I felt so important and felt so tall.
Wasn`t it bad that I didn`t feel sad.
Complain about this comment
Our Country a green pleasant land
The Coast of Rocks, Cliffs and sand
Mountains,lakes and hills
Forget travel pills
Spend your holiday here it'll be grand!
Complain about this comment
I got myself in a bit of a fix
Holidaying in ten sixty six
When a mean looking horde
From the French tourist board
All turned up at the beach in their ships
Complain about this comment
Young Master Fawkes tried to cause an affray
By our blowing Parliament away
I'm sure he'll remember
The 5th of November
Because we burn him each year on this day
Complain about this comment
A way of life, not a game just for kicks
We beat the World in Nineteen sixty six
We can do it again
In World Cup twenty ten
And go phhhhhhtttt to all of our critics
Complain about this comment
Why did we have the space race
When the moon's such a boring old place
It's full up with dust
Got no bits that can rust
And at night looks just like Rooney's face
Complain about this comment
Commeth the Crunch
There's this question we keep asking,'Why
did the Sterling Reserve Fund run dry?'
Now we've reached the conclusion
in the PM's delusion
he confused IMF with MFI.
From Brussels with Love
Here's the latest on the EU's agenda,
they will ban all distinctions in gender.
Adieu Mrs and Mr,
au revoir brother and sister,
this is the latest Brussels mind-bender.
Where is the Wealth?
The paper profits were clearly divisible
amongst the 'gamblers' whose actions were risible,
the balance sheets would reveal
the bonus payments were real,
but the assets were lesss than invisible.
Credit where Due.
For a decade in charge of our wealth
funding was, Education and health,
his new title will show
what the rest of us know,
Arise Gordon, the first Lord of Stealth.
Another Laureate
After a decade of rhymes in slow Motion
we need action for poetic promotion.
Would a female poet's wit
catch the times, be a hit,
or is that too diverse a notion?
Contact Mike Roberts 01268 756460
Complain about this comment
I like our Royal Family (in theory),
And nations without them seem dreary.
It’s just they insist
On that huge civil list –
And paying their bills makes me weary!
Complain about this comment
Try camels through needles to test
If Mother Teresa knew best
When she said, “You are poor
In the West” when she saw
How our folks die alone and unblessed.
Complain about this comment
City councils great burdens may bear
If their actions are plainly unfair,
They may lose all their brats
Led away like the rats
With pied pipers unpaid by their mayor.
Complain about this comment
Big Brother, the show, would be hated less
If it wasn’t for crass celebratedness:
Fools join in the game
For a few weeks of fame
And rejoice in their soul-baring nakedness.
Complain about this comment
Ref. limericks 171-174
Author: Celia Warren, Near Dartmouth
Complain about this comment
There is a prime minister called Brown
That many a man would drown
He took out the pension
of too many to mention
And brought our country right down.
Complain about this comment
There is a young prince called Harry
That many a girl would marry
The trouble with Harry
Is the the baggage to carry
And media storms to parry
Complain about this comment
We're in a time of recession
with troubles too many to mention
And those we elected
leave us all disaffected
of Darlings use of our pension
Complain about this comment
I'm getting confused over flu
I'm a little mixed up, aren't you?
Is it pig? Is it bird?
Is it flock? Is it herd?
Are we in a bit of a stew?
Complain about this comment
THERE WAS A YOUNG M.P. CALLED SMITH
WHOSE HUSBAND WAS FEELING SCARED STIFF
WHEN THE INVOICE DID PROVE HE
HAD WATCHED A RUDE MOVIE
BET THAT CAUSED A BIT OF A TIFF!!!
Complain about this comment
A notice I saw did state,
The olympics are at 12 past 8.
so at 2012 I sat
By the TV so that
I'd see it without being to late.
But a problem I didn't foresee
It was not shown on the TV.
But that couldn't be right
Do I have the right night?
Or did the Notice lie to me?
Complain about this comment
There was an old laureate named Motion,
Whose resignation caused quite a commotion,
He didn't die on the job,
He thought it a slog,
And now we await a promotion.
Complain about this comment
A pandemic is long overdue –
And a PIG of a virus is flu.
But, Brits, get a grip!
Show that stiff upper lip -
Cause this virus hates red, white and blue!
Complain about this comment
Christine or Adrian or Tuffers or Hardeep
BBC One Show's the one to keep
To transport you from home at Seven
Happily informed to seventh Heaven
Complain about this comment
I hope it scans okay,
There once was a Mexican swine.
Who thought he was doing just fine,
until a small sneeze,
brought the world to it's knees,
And now it's a race against time.
Complain about this comment
We've Nelson to thank and his navy
he fought for us so bravely
today in Trafalgar he stands
miles from the sea and the sands
keeping his eye out for Hardy!
Complain about this comment
from Les Choucas in Cheshire (SK12)
When Adam kissed Eve on the chin,
She said with a wink(and a grin)
'Well it's quite plain to see
what you've lined up for me-
This thing called ORIGINAL SIN.
Complain about this comment
In 66 in the season of summer
outside England it couldnt be dumber
Since the 3rd hit the net
You wont let us forget
For us Scots the result was a BUMMER!
(Graeme Livingstone, Fort William)
Complain about this comment
The inspiring Olympian Chris Hoy
Was in training since he was a boy
He goes past in a blur
So they made him a Sir
to his country it sure was a joy!
(Graeme Livingstone, Fort William)
Complain about this comment
The avoidable Darien Scheme
which ruined the colletive Scots dream
it bankrupt the Scots bank
with the English to thank
Now the UK is all the same team
(Graeme Livingstone, Fort William)
Complain about this comment
In 2012 there will be games
And held aloft Olymic flames
And some shall know glory
Shame wil be others story
And after a week we'll forget all their names!!!
http://www.writingsinrhyme.com
(c) 2009 Tomás Ó Cárthaigh
Complain about this comment
Prince Philip is quite the man
In all the years since he began
In public to be seen
As consort to the Queen
He puts his foot in it as often as he can!!!
http://www.writingsinrhyme.com
(c) 2009 Tomás Ó Cárthaigh, Tullamore, Eire
Complain about this comment
The prince of Wales has the powers
In his gardens he walks and spends hours
In his own "cant"
By name he speaks to each plant
The Dr. Doolittle of flowers!!!
http://www.writingsinrhyme.com
(c) 2009 Tomás Ó Cárthaigh, Tullamore, Eire
Complain about this comment
Sterling great is standing
Up to Europe, its Euro and Bank so demanding
With belief and pride
We lack on our side
Of which alas Ireland has no understanding
http://www.writingsinrhyme.com
(c) 2009 Tomás Ó Cárthaigh, Tullamore, Eire
Complain about this comment
There once was a credit crunch
Caused by a banker's strange hunch
That to own your own home
Multiply your salary alone!
A bit like a boxer without a punch.
I guess that you're wondering why
People say it's absurd that pigs fly
When in far Mexico
The folk all there know
That swine flew. They'll be here too, by and by.
It's hard being an MP today
The things that the media make one say
Like, 'Honesty's best.'
And, 'We care for the rest.'
Or,' I fill in my expenses and pray.'
There once was a young cop from Kettering
Who did overtime hoping it would better him
'I thought I'd earn plenty
From policing G20
But I were scalded when I went out kettling.'
There once wasa young man from Windsor
Who swore that he'd never sin sir.
Till he met Camilla
Like a scene from a thriller
He sinned like an old fashioned prince sir.
Complain about this comment
The Olympics are coming to Merry London
With pole vaulting in South Ockendon
Lots of swimming races in the flowing Thames
might end up with medals plus the bends
What fun and games it will be for every one
Ping pong at the palace
Complain about this comment
A pandemic like never before,
And yet it's only at four,
will any survive,
if it get to five?
'Cos someones got to keep score.
Complain about this comment
Dave Brooks
West Sussex
Saint George's, a rest day for all ,
Rise up to the clarion call,
Let the nation behave,
As the proud and the brave,
With heads held up high and stood tall.
To be in England in the Spring,
To feel the warmth the sun will bring,
The rain won't beat us down,
Or make one collective frown,
Our green and pleasant land is king.
With good queen Liz, we have such fun,
Though long in reign, she seems so young,
Her humour makes our smile
As she goes that extra mile,
By not abdicating to her son,
They blow us up and we built back,
In London we face each attack,
With the spirit of the war,
We are solid to the core,
It's not a sense of humour that we lack.
Welcome to our modern London town,
The athletes will arrive and frown,
The games will sink or swim,
On the transport being trim,
Please mind the gap when you look down.
Complain about this comment
Limericks 61, 67, 80, 84, 87 & 88.
Stephen Gold, Glasgow
Complain about this comment
We all remember Margaret, Iron Lady of years ago
She stood for what she believed in, but many wanted her to go
She was a forceful bossy lady, a bit of a tiger too. She will go down
in history, as a woman who stood up to a few. But she helped to shape
Britain's future, not sure if that was good!! how about you?
Sandra Murray
Complain about this comment
In '66 Alf's boys were so clever
And despite goals from Haller and Weber
With heroic Moore as our captian
Peters' and Hurst's goals were whacked in
And the memories live on forever
Complain about this comment
Mobiles, the bane of my life,
They cause me such anguish and strife,
They ring and they text,
And make me feel vexed,
(except when I'm phoning my wife!)
David P. Jones
Market Harborough.
Complain about this comment
I fear I may not have kept to the rules!
Item 55 contains my five submissions (from 147!).
I am Jim Wilson, from Mill Hill, London - 020 8959 5399
Complain about this comment
A young girl a long time ago
Vowed to serve us for life, and quite so,
Since the year ‘52
To her word she’s stayed true
And became the great Queen we all know.
Complain about this comment
They all laughed at Robert the Bruce
'Til his poor old face went puce.
But he watched spidey spinning
Which got him to winning
And making the English vamoose.
Kenny Fryde, Cambridge
(no.31 about Wat Tyler was me, by the way)
Complain about this comment
No.1
The Aussies they do love their sport,
Beating England's their favourite sort,
Till the Rugby World Cup
Turned Down Under up
And the Poms got the victory they sought.
No.2
Wanamaker's American dream
Was to build Shakespeare's Globe beam by beam.
By the Thames it now stands
A joy for all fans
Of Shakespeare and Sam - what a team!
No.3
The Great Fire destroyed Old St.Paul's,
So Chris Wren built the new dome and walls.
When the Luftwaffe came
With their bombs and their flame
They could not destroy New St.Paul's
Maureen Murphy. Cheltenham
Complain about this comment
A long serving consort called Phil
Broke records for years had stood still
In Britain he's known
For having a moan
But the people all love him, he's 'Brill'
A marathon runner called Haver
Runs miles while doing a favour
The London event
Is one to frequent
A British occasion to savour
Complain about this comment
When 'Enery shut down the abbeys
Those monks were no brave kemo sabees.
They didn't get carpish
But left pretty sharpish,
And paid top whack fares to the cabees.
Kenny Fryde, Cambridge
(don't forget no.31, it's a cracker)
Complain about this comment
In 1939 we're often told
How we stood firm and helped out the Poles
Now they're helping us
In their plumbing we trust
And our hot water never runs cold
Complain about this comment
Of limerick efforts the mix
Is really quite pleasing, your picks
May be tough to contrive -
Glad the limit is five.
Oops! I think that may well make it six ...
Complain about this comment
In the seventies the British bands
Enthralled us throughout the land
Come the new century
They were back to see
If their music was still thought grand
Jeff Lynne had "Zoom" in 2001
So a touring ELO was begun
Though most were American
One once lived in Nottingham
And Dick Tandy joined in the fun
Another Nottingham refugee
Was Wilkins,first name is Lucy
She had a real job son
Matching Eno and Jobson
For Roxy's new millenium spree
One-hit wonder Chris Spedding
On the same boards was treading
Colin Good on piano keys
Julia's playing and harmonies
But her classical harp she was shedding
They played like the records as a whole
And that included Jethro Tull
And even The Who
Put their hearts into it too
Not one of them ever got dull. John Clarke, Harrow
Complain about this comment
Manhatten was going insane
Panicked by low-flying plane
Complain about this comment
Manhatten was going insane
Panicked by a low-flying plane
They needn't have done
It was just Airforce One
And Obama wasn't to blame
Oh,no, what have we got here
The nation's abandoning beer
We don't go to the pub
Or even the club
Our traditions are dying we fear!
MP's are special they say
If going to work every day
They find it tough going
So it helps to be knowing
They'll always get more than their pay
From Carolcromp
Complain about this comment
Two hundred and eleven is mine, innnit?
To compose it took twenty minutes
Sixty songs have my talent
Is my ego unbalanced?
My ability is clearly not infinite
John Clarke HA1 1NS
Complain about this comment
Andrew Motion has got the heave-ho
His number is up, he must go
He is laureate no more
So they've shown him the door
Who could fill his great shoes I don't know
Complain about this comment
The Battle of Hastings was ten sixty six,
When Harold got in a bit of a fix.
An arrow in the eye
Made him give a loud cry
As he went the same way as the ‘pick-and-mix’.
Ends
In eighteen fifteen at Waterloo
Napoleon got in a bit of a stew.
From then it went wrong,
Became a pop song
From which Abba just grew and grew.
ends
Bonnie Prince Charlie fled to Skye.
‘Up the Stuarts’ was the cry.
He fled from Culloden,
His clothes were all sodden –
Flora MacDonald hung them out to dry.
ends
By
Rosamund Fraser
Derbyshire
Complain about this comment
There was a pwesenter called Woss
Who made BBC bosses quite cwoss
Though he apologised to Manuel
He'll still go to Hell
As in private, he couldn't give a....damn
Ian, Oxford
Complain about this comment
Sorry for the lack of spelling mistake on the last line!! It should read:
There was a pwesenter called Woss
Who made BBC bosses quite cwoss
Though he apologised to Manuel
He'll still go to Hell
As in pwivate, he couldn't give a....damn
Ian, Oxford
Complain about this comment
What goes down in history?
Churchill and his reversed "V"?
I am uncertain
Could it be "Iron Curtain"?
Or "madam, you're uglier than me"?
Or is it that Michael Caine
Said "I never said that,it is plain"
To make life sweeter
He parodied it in "Rita"
His denial is now inane
Or is it that Hereward the Wake
Said "give it up for goodness sake"
"If you don't bye and bye
"It'll be one in the eye
For you Harry, make no mistake"
Could it be that libellous mess
Dates back to the printing press?
It seems to act on
The works of Caxton
But Babbage renewed the distress
Maybe it was the advent of Blair?
Whose thinking was not here or there
And then Gordon Brown
Was the new kid in town
Looking like a demented bear
It really is a mystery
What matters in history
From Jack the Ripper
To a copper called slipper
I'm told to put it behind me
When the Beatles were a popular bunch
I was most of the time out to lunch
With the funeral of Di
I started to cry
For tragedies which were more than my hunch
John Clarke HA1 1NS
Complain about this comment
A limerick I have tried to write
To keep it funny, witty and bright
About a famous person, event or sight
But now I'm down to my 4th line
I've said nothing funny about these great times...
Sandra Murray Lancashire
Complain about this comment
The self-styled crack blast-master Guido
was hired by Robert Catesby-doh.
He should have said "Bob,
I'll turn down the job
And go for a swim at the Lido."
Kenny Fryde, Cambridge
(not forgetting the splendid nos. 31, 205 & 208)
Complain about this comment
On St George’s day every year
Brits act in a manner most queer
By slapping the faces
Of all other races
Yet always accepting them here
Complain about this comment
At the annual race in Ascot
Ladies show off new hats they have got
Thanks to Mrs G Shilling
Milliners make a killing
It’s a dead-cert to bet on that lot.
Complain about this comment
The Carnival in Notting Hill
Gives all pleasure seekers a thrill
The hale and the hearty
Have joined in the party
Since the 60s and going strong still
Complain about this comment
Here in Great Britain each summer
We surprise every single newcomer
When leaving we say
“Did you enjoy your stay”
They reply “No, your weather’s a bummer”
Joe Young. Cornwall.
Complain about this comment
When writing contains rhyming wit
In just five lines conveying a skit
With maximum levity
In spite of such brevity
It could only have come from a Brit
Joe Young. Cornwall.
Complain about this comment
Our wonderful monarch, for nigh sixty years
Has ruled us with dignity,laughter and tears
With her consort in tow
(Awful gaffes, don't you know)
But despite that, let's all raise three cheers!
Complain about this comment
There once was a swine named Tequila,
Who thought she had a beautiful life ahead of her,
But then she went “ AhhhhhhCHOooooo”!!!!
And there was a terrible to-do.
Now she’s all over the news and no-one will eat her.
Alison Wainwright. Monmouthshire
Complain about this comment
There was a young man named Chiles
Who suffered quite badly with piles.
They made him so jumpy,
and terribly grumpy,
leaving Christine to put on the smiles.
Complain about this comment
Charles Stuart got notably huffy
When deprived of the odd pinch of snuffy,
But he really saw red
When they chopped off his head
And bespattered his favourite ruff-y.
Kenny Fryde, Cambridge
(and let's hear it for nos. 31, 205, 208 & 221!)
Complain about this comment
Henry the Eighth ruled our land
And loved food or drink in his hand
He ruined some lives
Beheaded two wives
And could have done with a large gastric band
Steve Brooks, Hove
Also wrote No 66.
Complain about this comment
London was swingin' in '68
minis were hip down Notting Hill Gate
Beatles got Almighty Stoned
peace and love were then disowned
a Thatcher stole cole dole from the grate
If in the Cuban Bay of Pigs Could Fly
missile flew over Cuckoo's Nest could fry
the nuclear madness of '62
and new pig's ear of avian swine flu
stymy the hopes and the dreams we get by
paul hawkes, Aberteifi, South-West Wales
Complain about this comment
Brunel was a man of great zeal
He made many things out of steel
Some boats and some trains
But sadly no planes
Though his bridges still stand with appeal
Darrell - Berkshire
Complain about this comment
From the voice of the London town crier
Came the news that was shockingly dyer
A baker of fame
In old pudding lane
Forgot that he’d lighten a fire
Darrell - Berkshire
Complain about this comment
King Harold it seems was quite shy
But in war he would raise spirits high
He led from the fore
To protect our great shore
Up until he was shot in the eye
Darrell - Berkshire
Complain about this comment
Lord Nelson was under much stress
For the king he was out to impress
His men thought him lardy
Was kissed by old Hardy
In actual fact quite armless
Darrell - Berkshire
Complain about this comment
Victoria’s reign was confused
Her power was often abused
Prince Albert you see
Became jewellery
And the queen she was not much amused
Darrell - Berkshire
Complain about this comment
With the Credit Crunch munching your savings,
Just ignore the political ravings!
Spend what you've got,
Just blow the whole lot
And indulge all your secretive cravings!
Maureen Donnelly Cheltenham
Complain about this comment
Replacing 140 with corrected version:- 10/1966 (66 syllables)
Shall i compare we to a summer's day in 1966
when Germany were outplayed by Norman French from 1066
the sons-nets of Shakespeare had Moore thirst
with Styles on the Ball they Banks on Hurst
save extended credit is overdrawn and leaves our world in a fix!
paul hawkes, Aberteifi, South-West Wales
Complain about this comment
Despite what you may have heard said,
The Olympics are going ahead,
But you must realise
That they've had to downsize
So they're going to be held in my shed.
John Dredge, Harrow, Middlesex
Complain about this comment
There once was a man named Chiles,
the best presenter by miles,
but his miserable face
wouldn't be out of place
on Molder and Scullys XFiles.
Complain about this comment
There is a great show on the telly
That’s given them all some welly
The One Show’s a hit
And Christine’s so fit
But Aidy’s got a big belly
The Consort to HRH the Queen
Is the longest serving there’s been
He’s stood by her side
With humour and pride
He’s the best we’ve ever seen.
The Olympics are coming to London town
But the cost has made some frown
If it’s done on time
Big Ben will chime
And the country will boogie on down
A new poet laureate is on the cards
But it’s got to be one of the top bards
They could do a lot worse
Than Adrian’s verse
He’s one of Brummie’s top (lards) lads
We lifted the cup in 66
Since then it’s been a right mix
But with Cappello at the helm
There could a new realm
And put other teams in a fix
Nick Fletcher, Malton, N. York's.
Complain about this comment
Off the cuff...
Prince Philip Britain's longest serving consort
Had much to say about living in old forts
--But whether they'd bought
--More time was a thought
He kept to himself for cannons are old sports.
And heres one i prepared earlier...
For South Africa in 2010,
England planned a new way to defend,
--By lacing a line,
--Of boot laces tied,
Between wing backs, then push up and extend.
Po, Harlow, Essex.
Complain about this comment
I was born in the middle of England
White faces were all I could see
Since then the change has been great
It's like a new state
And now I eat curry for tea
Complain about this comment
No.12 & no.57 Petra Greenwood Dorset
PS I like Stephen Gold's limericks!
This one isn't relevant;
He daily prays "God save the Queen,
And keep our environment green.
Carbuncles begone-
And trees seak to one"
Prince Charles lives a cotton wool dream
Complain about this comment
In a town on the banks of the Severn
Began our industrial heaven
From Victorian height
We're now in such plight
That to jump in the Severn seems heaven
Complain about this comment
There was a man called Sam,
Who couldn't open the Spam,
He said you silly old tin,
And threw it in the bin,
Now he use's ham.
by Gwilym aged 10
Complain about this comment
Although Boris and Seb have a jaunty air
2012 is a right London derriere
So to ease the depression
In this world recession
Change tactics and host Jeux sans Frontieres
**
Fifty years of pop songs from Sir Cliff
Once a lip-curling 'young one' with quiff
Now a bachelor man
OAP Peter Pan
He still 'moves it' but it's a bit stiff!
Helen Camplin, London
Complain about this comment
Here in Dorset we're all proud to boast
That the 2012 sailing we'll host
Venues all before time;
British sailors so fine-
We're bound to sail first past the post
Petra Greenwood, Bridport, Dorset
Complain about this comment
As Charles & Di's wedding drew near
From the nation arose a great cheer
Celebrating the story
Of love, and love's glory
'Til Diana met Martin Bashir
Complain about this comment
Pundit limerick
Robert Peston walked into a bar
Said “I’m the best pundit by far”
Evan Davis yelled “Oi”
“You’ll find I am the boy”
“Oh really” remarked Andrew Marr.
molethe poet lincoln
Complain about this comment
In '39, yes the war came our way,
And they sent all the soldiers away,
The bombs fell day and night,
Filled the people with fright,
But the Brits they all saved the day!
By Hannah, Gloucestershire
Complain about this comment
RBS Pension limerick
There was an ex banker whose pension
Is causing a great deal of tension
A boardroom smokescreen
An amount that’s obscene
It shows greed in a whole new dimension
molethe poet lincoln
Complain about this comment
Limerick in Celebration of the One-Show
The demure young presenter named Bleakley
tolerates Adrian meekly
but in spite of his bluster
she’ll always pass muster,
covering up his blunders discreetly.
Limerick in Celebration of our Monarch’s Spouse
Our Grand Old Duke of Edinburgh town,
who marches up and marches down
keeps quite busy
protecting Lizzie,
ever the guardian of the Crown.
Complain about this comment
here's a serious one about WW1 and it's impact
The Village War Memorial.
The old soldier looked up at the cross
That reminded him so of his loss
Three brothers all dead
Three hearts, filled with lead.
Three names covered over by moss.
mole the poet lincoln
Complain about this comment
This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.
At the 2009 Grand National
The crowd cheered a 100-1 win
And as Claire interviewed Liam
She asked him to see 'em
Then he showed off his teeth with a grin
Babs, Northampton
Complain about this comment
From LesChoucas in Cheshire.
Ten sixty-six on a Hastings' hill,
King Harold fell to the conquering 'Will'
The White Tower soon came,
Then the 'Domesday' - and blame
For the taxes we have with us still!
Complain about this comment
From LesChoucas - in Cheshire. finally
In London last year on the Mall,
I saw some feint marks on a wall,
It said 'Caesar woz ere'
Which makes it quite clear,
It wasn't Kilroy who started it all!!!
Complain about this comment
The One Show has asked me to mention
What’s British and gets your attention
Well from what I can see
It’s called the TV
So relax and enjoy the invention
Dave Harris - South Wales
Complain about this comment
From Adele in London:
Boris Johnson is Mayor. It's weird.
The world's as bizarre as I feared.
Though to be very fair,
he has really good hair,
and I hear that he must have it sheared.
Complain about this comment
Have you seen The One Show lately
Presented by Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley
Featuring many guests, topical stories and much wit
This TV programme is a real hit
Has a lot of viewers and is doing greatly.
super-poet-dave
David England, Coulsdon, Surey.
Complain about this comment
From Adele in London:
The Queen needs a new type of bard
Writing poems to order's too hard
A limerick's snappy
So I'd be quite happy
To pass her my bard business card
Complain about this comment
From Adele in London:
Andrew Motion has had the heave-ho
His number is up he must go
He is laureate no more
They have shown him the door
Who could fill his great shoes I don't know
Complain about this comment
From Adele in London:
Barack Obama's the man
If someone can fix things he can
He is handsome and smart
And he has a big heart
So he won't let us go down the pan
Complain about this comment
VICTORIA'S GREAT EXHIBITION
GAVE BRITAIN DESERVED RECOGNITION
EASTENDERS SOON QUEUED
BUT TROUBLE THEN BREWED
THEY COULDN'T AFFORD THE ADMISSION !
Complain about this comment
There is an island called Britain
Whose population all watch and listen
When their English Soccer Team
At the World Cup have been
but who cannot score goals but keep missin'
Neil Furby Wellington New Zealand
Complain about this comment
It's the State Opening of Parliament,
Black Rod to the Commons is sent.
He knocks on the door,
To create a furore.
Oh dear! the mace has got bent.
Complain about this comment
The country found Churchill a bore,
Complain about this comment
The country found Churchill a bore,
Threw him out at the end of the war,
Now the country recesses
With Corporate messes,
Could we do with a Churchill once more?
Complain about this comment
Great Moments in History, Number 657
Elizabeth was a monarch in a muddle
Her path blocked, her aides held a huddle
Then Sir Walter Raleigh
Acting stranger than Dali
Stepped up and laid his Jacket on the puddle
1966 World Cup Limerick
In sixty-six the boys were sublime
Though the score was one-one at half time
Hurst’s goals won through
Final score four-two
And the ball was DEFINITELY over the line
Mark Niel, Milton Keynes
Complain about this comment
Paul Smith
Storrington
West Sussex
Complain about this comment
The was an old duke called Prince Phil
Who married with consummate skill
He's the next best thing
To being a king
Though some whisper he's over the hill
The economy's on the way down
But the Olympics are coming to town
From fourth in the table
We'll surely be able
To do better and win some renown
There was an old poet called Motion
Who had an extraordinary notion
"I've been here ten years
No more, my dears
The job's just not worth the devotion"
Simon Hunter, China
Complain about this comment
Here are 5 limericks by John from Worcester
1. Diamond Jubilee
Diamond Jubilees so I am told
Are much more important than Gold
They give you the right
To party all night
But to have one you have to be old
2. That great British institution the W. I.
The Women's Institute ranks above all
They caused Tony Blair a great fall
They were tough and yet caring
And also quite daring
When baring their all for my wall
3. The quintessentially British National Gardens Scheme - gardens open for charity
Our garden is open so please
Pay up to help fight disease
You can gaze at the flowers
For hours and hours
But some only come for the teas
4. Royal Ascot
At Ascot my dears have a Pimms
Under fine hats with wide brims
Then let yourself go
But don't ever show
Your knees - its one of those whims
5. Henley
At Henley Royal Regatta
Rowing doesn't really much matter
Champagne is the theme
With straberries and cream
Are you sure that they won't make me fatter
Complain about this comment
I remember a year way back when
British Lions played rugby like men
There were great British backs
Running round the All Blacks
Wake me up if it happens again!
Complain about this comment
In the militaristic arena
No nation in history's been keener
To win every war
(That is what war is for
Even if it's against Argentina)
John Ansell
Wellington, New Zealand
www.johnansell.co.nz
Complain about this comment
I've already submitted five limericks so this one is not for competition. Tony Keeley, Knypersley, Stoke-on-Trent.
I honestly think it's my duty,
To advise you, without being fruity,
Just be glad heaven sent her,
My favourite presenter,
The sparkling, One Show, Irish beauty.
Complain about this comment
Don’t cry for me, Argentina
My army is leaner and meaner
It’s you you should cry for
Cos you’re gonna die for
A barren old Las called Malvina
John Ansell
Wellington, New Zealand
www.johnansell.co.nz
Complain about this comment
Our very own institution called cliff,
Will be hoping the wimbledon roof becomes stiff!
Because when it rains at the tennis,
It resembles old venice,
And he brushes off his guitar and fake quiff!
Complain about this comment
For Ascot I must have a hat.
I'll ask Philip Treacy for that.
And as for my shoes
I'll sport Jimmi Choos.
Oh and the racing: it's flat.
Babara Nicholson in Lancaster
Complain about this comment
In the USSR it was sad
That their great revolution went bad
What they could have achieved
Had their people believed
In a Lennon called John and not Vlad.
John Ansell
Wellington, New Zealand
www.johnansell.co.nz
Complain about this comment
The One Show starts at 7 o'clock
By that time tea's made, key in lock
Then the jingle starts to play
That's the One Show on it's way.
With Aide and Christine introducing
Straight up front, lightly spooling,
The celebrity is always there,
That gives the show a refined air
And as the camera pans about
The studio crew give up a shout
The star attending sits askance
Then Chris and Aide throw them a glance
Of calm assurance there to quell
And back to show and viewers tell
Of script with all the latest topics
Mostly local, seldom tropics.
Aides candour and his short cropped hair
And nerves, that we are not aware
Always holding on his script
It's very rare his scenes are clipped.
Christine always dresses nicely
She's so polite and never flighty,
Always wears a smiling face
Conducts herself with charm annd grace
The never argue WHAT THE HECK
They are a team like Ant and Dec.
As they go through the agenda
They'll read some ditty's from each sender
And as the show comes to a close
They'll utter out those well worn prose.
P.S. You never hear a rush of feet, the show is really quite a treat!
Complain about this comment
From Les again.( T'is me No 4 - category R = remote)) (I definitely don't represent Cheshire)
We see A.C. 'n C.B.
On BBC one after tea,
C.B.'s knees arouse us
But A.C.'s (in his trousers)
Should stay covered, if you ask me.
Complain about this comment
There are few more illustrious Brits
Than those four Liverpuddlian twits
Whose music and humour
Could heal a tumour
But whose hair gave their parents the shock of their lives
Complain about this comment
From Les(again!!) Last night I dreamt that Dr Sarah Jarvis MD said to me......
When you wake in the night, people say,
Try counting sheep - or just pray,
But make up a rhyme
You'll nod off in no-time,
Then wake up refreshed for the day.
That's me 5 so I'm going back to sleep!!!!
Complain about this comment
This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.
There once was a Duke called Prince Phil
Who seemed top be racially ill
He called Chinese eyes slitty
Thought spears in the city
Down under was still the real deal
He grandson is following suit
With black men and Asians to boot
But he's not a racist?
To these friendly faces
He's a pal just having a hoot
With any family dysfunction
There is a fallout of a compunction
Like talking to flowers
While refused the powers
This king thing is well up the junction
Complain about this comment
There once was a Duke called Prince Phil
Who seemed top be racially ill
He called Chinese eyes slitty
Thought spears in the city
Down under was still the real deal
He grandson is following suit
With black men and Asians to boot
But he's not a racist?
To these friendly faces
He's a pal just having a hoot
With any family dysfunction
There is a fallout of a compunction
Like talking to flowers
While refused the powers
This king thing is well up the junction
John Clarke, Harrow HA1 1NS
Complain about this comment
About verses three hundred I'd say?
From England to sunny Bombay.
Did the One Show rekindle
The limerick's dwindle?
Not a chance! For it n'er went away ...
Complain about this comment
Sorry i couldnt find out how to edit my comment so i couldn't put my name on it :@:@:@
its adam sapnik
Bicester
Complain about this comment
Most of the above are not Limericks as they do not scan.
Sorry my offering is late but I understood the 'competition' finished Friday.
There was a young Shakespeare called Will
Who wrote all his works with a quill
Everyone can quote
From the plays that he wrote
And his birthday's 23rd A pril
Phil Cottier
Complain about this comment
What a great show Limericks the best yet, I WATCH YOUR SHOW AVIDLY FULL of humour interest & very tallented people.
Laurence W Tysoe. Poppytigre Murcia Spain.
Complain about this comment
A mother superior from Leicester
Had a rather superior chester
Her nipples grew prominent
When she became dominant
And whipped the young priest who confessed her
Complain about this comment
A few limericks I have written
Computer Nerd
While his mates were out hunt’n and shoot’n,
The original nerd, Isaac Newton,
Discovering gravity,
Rejected hilarity,
Spent every spare moment comput’n.
Flying a Kite
Sir Winston believed he’d gain height
Politically like a kite,
So he’d fly with a theme
Against the air stream
And was colourfully impolite.
St George and The Ostrich
St George slaughtered nothing so grand
As a dragon with sword in his hand,
This myth originated,
When he decapitated
An ostrich, with its head in the sand.
Narcissi
At the mirror this infamous cissy
Was incessantly all kissy kissy,
No surprise then, Narcissus
Did not find a missus,
Nor produced any little Narcissi.
Victorious Sponge
Queen Victoria once took the plunge
By baking herself a jam sponge,
But we were not amused,
When the mixture we’d used
Barely rose into soft, soggy gunge.
Le Crunch
Had it been a nice Cox Orange Pippin,
Eve wouldn’t’ve been thrown out of Eden,
God only turned vicious,
When a Golden Delicious
Was the rotten old apple she’d eaten.
Shocking
Scandinavian Gods could be sordid,
For instance, have you heard what Thor did,
That he threw thunderbolts
Over one thousand volts
At people, should not be applauded.
Lady C
When he wrote Lady C, D.H. Lawrence
Received letters of protest in torrents,
But he knew well enough,
They weren't women in love
Or they'd never have shown such abhorrence.
You Cannot Be Serious
Though his tennis was simply imperious,
John McEnroe’s rant was delirious,
A puff of chalk dust
Meant the call was unjust,
We all giggled – he could not be serious.
Complain about this comment
Said a blushing young Fergie to Andy
I'm feeling exceedingly randy
Said Andy, "My peach"
Let us bonk on the beach
And get all our genitals sandy.
Complain about this comment
Of the output from Aidy and Chris
There's little that I'd choose to miss
Whilst Aidrians funny
Young Chris is a honey
And spread on my bread she'd be bliss.
Complain about this comment
Gibber,gibber, gibber, gibber,gibber, gibber
A lady poet laureate, are you a fibber?
One hopes that Ms. Duffy
Does not get too fluffy
And the chauvinist pigs do not rib her
But chauvinism has only one meaning
And not just for men is it demeaning
Exaggerated ideas
About your hopes and fears
Includes female boasting, moaning and preening
Ade and Chris told use makers of rhymes
To write in limerick metre and time
Out of three hundred new
They read three or two
I may as well not write, but mime
Complain about this comment
Gibber,gibber, gibber, gibber,gibber, gibber
A lady poet laureate, are you a fibber?
One hopes that Ms. Duffy
Does not get too fluffy
And the chauvinist pigs do not rib her
But chauvinism has only one meaning
And not just for men is it demeaning
Exaggerated ideas
About your hopes and fears
Includes female boasting, moaning and preening
Ade and Chris told us makers of rhymes
To write in limerick metre and time
Out of three hundred new
They read three or two
I may as well not write, but mime
Complain about this comment
Complain about this comment
Thank God the boys are coming back
No more stints in war torn Iraq
Somebody's sweetheart, son or Dad
Home in one piece makes us very glad
Think on the ones who had to come back
Inside a coffin from war torn Iraq
Complain about this comment
The Three Hundred'th
299 very clever limericks
Is this how we get our kicks
All aspiring poet laureates
Trying hard to do our best
We have written hard and fast
Could this be the very last
A struggling poet?
Complain about this comment
Ha! ha! HA!, boo-hoo-hoo
NA,na, na, I beat you
three hundred and one
Adds to the fun
So, what else is new?
Complain about this comment
He came, he saw, they fought
He won but they were fraught
With the coming of Angles
With the Normans they tangle
Plantagents, Tudors, Hanover and Windsor forth brought.
Complain about this comment
The rules were clearly misread
I went full steam ahead
With numerous verse
Or short that were worse
That won't stand me in good stead
Complain about this comment
Bank Holiday
The great British bank-holiday,
when everyones getting away,
with a picnic in hand
we all travel the land
and get jammed on the packed motorway,
But the cars not the place to have fun
when you cant see blue sky or the sun,
and its blowing a gale,
there might even be hail,
and the petrol is costing a bomb.
So staying at home can be good
if your barbecue has got a hood,
then you bank holiday
can be merry and gay,
in your home with some wine and fine food
Complain about this comment
There was a snide child called Drew
Who got himself into a stew
With lies and pronouncing
All reason renouncing
Till out of his mouth came poo.
Amongst his repertoire of lies
Are characters he'll fantasise
Horace the Cutter
Tommy Gun and a nutter
Called Tim and a sister who's bi
Stories of Horace slicing ears
Are told to instil some fears
Fetish debauchering
And woman torturing
Are applied to his peers
His basis of life is so chronic
It's characters from Beano comics
A military title
Seems to be vital
Somehow he thinks them iconic
He spends every day and each night
Plotting vengeance through petty spite
Your life he'll destroy
If you don't let him annoy
Too spoilt to know wrong from right
The vulnerable do his dirty work
Pulling his weight he will shirk
He will tie you in knots
With gobshight a lot
I wonder who's truly the burke?
Mr.Drew has manic depression
Munchausen and compulsive opbsession
Sociopath with meglomania
Makes him insaner
His memory grows false in recession
Complain about this comment
There was a snide child called Drew
Who got himself into a stew
With lies and pronouncing
All reason renouncing
Till out of his mouth came poo.
Amongst his repertoire of lies
Are characters he'll fantasise
Horace the Cutter
Tommy Gun and a nutter
Called Tim and a sister who's bi
Stories of Horace slicing ears
Are told to instil some fears
Fetish debauchering
And woman torturing
Are applied to his peers
His basis of life is so chronic
It's characters from Beano comics
A military title
Seems to be vital
Somehow he thinks them iconic
He spends every day and each night
Plotting vengeance through petty spite
Your life he'll destroy
If you don't let him annoy
Too spoilt to know wrong from right
The vulnerable do his dirty work
Pulling his weight he will shirk
He will tie you in knots
With gobshight a lot
I wonder who's truly the burke?
Mr.Drew has manic depression
Munchausen and compulsive obsession
Sociopath with megalomania
Makes him insaner
His memory grows false in recession
Complain about this comment
Complain about this comment
When estate agency staff agrees
To mindscrew a man to his knees
They find that their games
Got them called some names
So boo their eyes out to the police
A letter concerning bereavement
Was called an abusive achievement
Then someone misled
For the caution said
Herts letter to Beds were believed sent
Notes arriving in 2004
Were suddenly received years before
Confusion was strong
When recipients wrong
The facts they chose to ignore
As he nervously took his pill
Friends abused him and left him too ill
To be chief mourner
With death round the corner
The CID told him to chill
They thought a disgusted expression
Was a death threat that needed a lesson
Playing games with their grill
Just made him more ill
For a long-term medical session
Complain about this comment
Drew will save his job if he can
Complain of rats he told a man
A non-sequitur letter
Of his boss got the better
A typing error completed the plan
Complain about this comment
When estate agency staff agrees
To mindscrew a man to his knees
They find that their games
Got them called some names
So boo their eyes out to the police
A letter concerning bereavement
Was called an abusive achievement
Then someone misled
For the caution said
Herts letters to Beds were believed sent
Notes arriving in 2004
Were suddenly received years before
Confusion was strong
When recipients wrong
The facts they chose to ignore
As he nervously took his pill
Friends abused him and left him too ill
To be chief mourner
With death round the corner
The CID told him to chill
They thought a disgusted expression
Was a death threat that needed a lesson
Playing games with their grill
Just made him more ill
For a long-term medical session
Complain about this comment
There once was a daft generic
Who went by the name of Eric
My mistake it's Andrew
I thought that he knew
The meaning of the word esoteric
There once was a daft generic
Who went by the name of Eric
My nmistake it was Laura
She's sure to bore yer
Because she does not understand esoteric
Complain about this comment
King Christian had cars and houses
Through being all mouth and trousers
Exploited the poor
Then demanded more
Like so many other louses
Gets all he can out of his mates
Does not want to reciprocate
When his turn is due
He will turn on you
So he don't have to pull his weight
Orders you to do him favours
You pay him when you give him labour
Wants you to be green
To hide that he's mean
And he is always the saver
The people that he persecutes
Are vulnerable, for that's what suits
He says to let live
So insists you forgive
The truth that he always dilutes
Sucks you dry of sympathy
Your pain gets you a tee-hee
His stupid lectures
Robs you of life's textures
Exacerbating pain with glee
Under the doctor with nerves?
His heckles is what he will serve
In your home when you speak
He says your mind is weak
And more pills is what you deserve
His wife does not dwell, so she says
As her mind games leave you in a daze
She's mischief-making
Advantage taking
Her obsessions just make you more phased
With your time he is easy and free
In return he is far too busy
Wife cries on the phone
Won't leave you alone
While he boasts calm philosophy
If you do not believe all his lies
He will rave down the phone, criticise
It proves he was wrong
In his preaching all along
Abuses if he can't patronise
Don't gossip like the public at large
Does he say that to just sabotage?
Whatever you say
He's nasty that way
As a friend he should be discharged
He invites you round to ignore you
His belittling does starts to bore you
Messes up every outing
Then ends up shouting
For fear something will work for you
Hold's down disturbed girls in church
His brain has really got a lurch
His obsession
With demonic possession
Should make the law bring back the birch
With this in mind thing of a cop
Standing in street or outside a shop
Writing in his book
Christian says oh look
He's listening for burglars, too much stop!
He leaves you with paranoid ideas
Too ill too publically shed tears
As they bury your mother
She's mourned by another
From Christian a policeman appears
Complain about this comment
King Christian had cars and houses
Through being all mouth and trousers
Exploited the poor
Then demanded more
Like so many other louses
Gets all he can out of his mates
Does not want to reciprocate
When his turn is due
He will turn on you
So he don't have to pull his weight
Orders you to do him favours
You pay him when you give him labour
Wants you to be green
To hide that he's mean
And he is always the saver
The people that he persecutes
Are vulnerable, for that's what suits
He says to let live
So insists you forgive
The truth that he always dilutes
Sucks you dry of sympathy
Your pain gets you a tee-hee
His stupid lectures
Robs you of life's textures
Exacerbating pain with glee
Under the doctor with nerves?
His heckles is what he will serve
In your home when you speak
He says your mind is weak
And more pills is what you deserve
His wife does not dwell, so she says
As her mind games leave you in a daze
She's mischief-making
Advantage taking
Her obsessions just make you more phased
With your time he is easy and free
In return he is far too busy
Wife cries on the phone
Won't leave you alone
While he boasts calm philosophy
If you do not believe all his lies
He will rave down the phone, criticise
It proves he was wrong
In his preaching all along
Abuses if he can't patronise
Don't gossip like the public at large
Does he say that to just sabotage?
Whatever you say
He's nasty that way
As a friend he should be discharged
He invites you round to ignore you
His belittling does starts to bore you
Messes up every outing
Then ends up shouting
For fear something will work for you
Hold's down disturbed girls in church
His brain has really got a lurch
His obsession
With demonic possession
Should make the law bring back the birch
With this in mind think of a cop
Standing in street or outside a shop
Writing in his book
Christian says oh look
He's listening for burglars, too much stop!
He leaves you with paranoid ideas
Too ill too publicly shed tears
As they bury your mother
She's mourned by another
From Christian a policeman appears
Complain about this comment
King Christian had cars and houses
Through being all mouth and trousers
Exploited the poor
Then demanded more
Like so many other louses
Gets all he can out of his mates
Does not want to reciprocate
When his turn is due
He will turn on you
So he don't have to pull his weight
Orders you to do him favours
You pay him when you give him labour
Wants you to be green
To hide that he's mean
And he is always the saver
The people that he persecutes
Are vulnerable, for that's what suits
He says to let live
So insists you forgive
The truth that he always dilutes
Sucks you dry of sympathy
Your pain gets you a tee-hee
His stupid lectures
Robs you of life's textures
Exacerbating pain with glee
Under the doctor with nerves?
His heckles is what he will serve
In your home when you speak
He says your mind is weak
And more pills is what you deserve
His wife does not dwell, so she says
As her mind games leave you in a daze
She's mischief-making
Advantage taking
Her obsessions just make you more phased
With your time he is easy and free
In return he is far too busy
Wife cries on the phone
Won't leave you alone
While he boasts calm philosophy
If you do not believe all his lies
He will rave down the phone, criticise
It proves he was wrong
In his preaching all along
Abuses if he can't patronise
Don't gossip like the public at large
Does he say that to just sabotage?
Whatever you say
He's nasty that way
As a friend he should be discharged
He invites you round to ignore you
His belittling does starts to bore you
Messes up every outing
Then ends up shouting
For fear something will work for you
Hold's down disturbed girls in church
His brain has really got a lurch
His obsession
With demonic possession
Should make the law bring back the birch
With this in mind think of a cop
Standing in street or outside a shop
Writing in his book
Christian says oh look
He's listening for burglars, too much stop!
He leaves you with paranoid ideas
Too ill to publicly shed tears
As they bury your mother
She's mourned by another
From Christian a policeman appears
Complain about this comment
Fantasist is Drew's middle name
So you would disregard his claims
Of a violent wife
Although such strife
Could be the outcome of his games
Complain about this comment
A BBC hireling called George
On your problems each day would gorge
If he failed when he tried
He committted insecticide
An original mould from the forge
Complain about this comment
There was a young lady called Janet
Who hailed from The Island of Thanet
She found people pesky
As she sat at her desky
Wishing someone else would man it
Complain about this comment
The Ghandi limerick should go
There was a young man name of Ghandi
Who popped in a pub for a shandy
He wiped off the froth
With his big white loin cloth
and the barman said "Blimy, that's handy"
Complain about this comment
Johnfrum writes all the "yous"
Perhaps to you it's not news
So this must mean
The name on your screen
Is different from the one I views
Complain about this comment
An interesting entertainer called Fry
Looked as if he was going to die
It is quite a sin
To spread him so thin
So not enough to go round QI
Another stunner from Johnfrum!
Complain about this comment
The limerick of the noodley walker after a noodley stalker.
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
There was a young lady called Sarah MacToodle,
Who was very fond,
Of eating the noodle.
One day, when she was looking from left to the right,
A noodley meal was caught in her sight.
She ran and she ran,
for the noodley feast,
as the sauce that she added,
made it a noodley treat,
and when she was done
and the plate was quite empty.
MacToodle the Noodle was asked for more and got plenty.
Complain about this comment
View these comments in RSS