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Two Vines in our yard

Simon Mayo | 09:21 UK time, Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Early school run completed, just the one child to drop. I relent to his insistence that we listen to Radio 1 as I remember my dad doing the same. His finger would hover over the '4' button as I jumped out onto Solihull's pristine pavements. I just HAD to listen to Tony/Noel otherwise the day was all wrong. He relented gracefully even though he was a good deal further removed from the top 40 than I am. So I have to swap Chriss (plural of Chris? Chris's is wrong and Chrises looks wrong) for a while. I get to do the 'tsk, call this music?' routine as tradition dictates.
Having been dropped off, I then would have to pass the prefects (or monitors as we called them) and would get reported for wearing blue socks. That's how much of a rebel I was!
Yesterday is spent recording video pieces for the novel which finally goes to the printers this week. Once I hand the final proofs over (just...one...more...slight...correction). The cover is going be 'augmented reality' which (as I'm sure you know) means it will come to life if viewed with the right app. Weird and exciting all at once.
Today we welcome Tim Vine to Drivetime. His non-stop gag routine is pretty rare these days and I'm glad he's there on the DVD shelves as he appears to be the only comedian out there happy to have a PG rating. Yes, the family can watch with you, imagine that! Let's do JOKES and JOKERS please on the tunes and see if we can match it all up in a seamless fashion.
Have a bracing and well padded Tuesday, see you after 5.

Comments

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  • Comment number 1.

    Hello Simon, chuckle brother Matt and ladies that laugh, Rebecca and Sally ...


    THE JOKER - STEVE MILLER BAND

    JOKE [IM LAUGHING] - EDDI READER

    HA HA SAID THE CLOWN - MANFRED MANN

    THE LAUGHING GNOME - DAVID BOWIE


    :^D

  • Comment number 2.

    Morning everyone

    Sunny but cold and windy here today...

    FUNNY HOW LOVE CAN BE ~ The Ivy League

    HA HA SAID THE CLOWN ~ Manfred Mann

    I STARTED A JOKE ~ The Bee Gees

    WHAT'S SO FUNNY 'BOUT PEACE, LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING? ~ Elvis Costello

    THE JOKER ~ The Steve Millar Band

    xx

  • Comment number 3.

    morning :-)

    THE JOKER THE MYLESTONES

    TEARS OF A CLOWN SMOKEY ROBINSON AND THE MIRACLES

  • Comment number 4.

    I STARTED A JOKE = THE BEE GEES

  • Comment number 5.

    Good Morning again -

    HA HA SAID THE CLOWN - Manfred Mann

    THE JOKER - Steve Miller Band

    THE LAUGHING GNOME - David Bowie

    STOP ME IF YOU THINK YOU'VE HEARD THIS ONE BEFORE - The Smiths

  • Comment number 6.

    Good morning rebel Simon, the laughing team and happy blogpoppets from a very cold and frosty Surrey.

    Joking choons...

    THE JOKER - STEVE MILLER BAND

    JOKERMAN - BOB DYLAN

    THAT JOKE ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE - THE SMITHS

    HA HA SAID THE CLOWN - MANFRED MANN

    NO HOPERS, JOKERS & ROGUES - FISHERMAN'S FRIENDS

    I WAS ONLY JOKING - ROD STEWART


    Jillyx

  • Comment number 7.

    Good morning everyone.

    Crisp autumn morning here but too cold for my liking.

    First thoughts?

    FUNNYMAN by KT TUNSTALL

    from the Drastic Fantastic Album.

    or:

    THAT JOKE ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE by THE SMITHS

  • Comment number 8.

    KNOCK KNOCK WHO'S THERE - Mary Hopkin

    DON'T LAUGH AT ME COS I'M A FOOL - Norman Wisdom

  • Comment number 9.

    MAKE ME SMILE [COME UP AND SEE ME] - STEVE HARLEY AND COCKNEY REBEL

    MAKE THIS A HAPPY HOME - GLADYS KNIGHT AND THE PIPS

  • Comment number 10.

    Greeting grapple fans

    MAN ON THE MOON by REM

    Failing that, I'd love to hear the theme tune to Harold LLoyd again:

    'Hooray for Harold Lloyd, der der der der der der, Harold Lloyd...'

  • Comment number 11.

    Good Morning Simon, Team and Blogpopppets:

    How about:

    CATHY'S CLOWN by the Everly Brothers

    TEARS OF A CLOWN by Smokey Robinson

    THE JOKER by the Steve Miller Band

    LAUGHTER IN THE RAIN by Neil Sedaka

    and for the HOIB perhaps

    THE LAUGHING GNOME by David Bowie

    Deebee ~X~

  • Comment number 12.

    A couple more tunes, including one for us Al Stewart fans!!!

    LAUGHING INTO 1939 ~ Al Stewart

    LAUGHTER IN THE RAIN ~ Neil Sedaka

    LAUGH AND BE HAPPY ~ Randy Newman

    Back later xx

  • Comment number 13.

    MY FUNNY VALENTINE - Elvis Costello

    LAUGHTER IN THE RAIN - Neil Sedaka

  • Comment number 14.

    STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU (clowns to the left of me jokers to the right) - STEALERS WHEEL

    I DONT LIKE SPIDERS AND SNAKES - JIM STAFFORD

  • Comment number 15.

    I AM A CLOWN - David Cassidy & The Partridge Family

    SEND IN THE CLOWNS - Judy Collins

  • Comment number 16.

    Morning Simon, team, NYM and finger-hovering bloggers,

    Blue socks? Once a fashionista, always a.....

    Did anybody else wrap their tie into the fattest widest knot possible, with just the tiniest triangle poking out beneath it?

    Some fine choices already made above.

    _GET UP, STAND UP - Bob Marley & the Wailers

    _STAND UP COMEDY - U2

    _STAND UP - Al Green

    _STAND UP GUY - Mark Knopfler

  • Comment number 17.

    #14 Very good Vildeen - your Stealers Wheel suggestion!

    ~X~

  • Comment number 18.

    Mornin one and all,

    Very chilly today here at Cutbush Central. Luckily the equipment I am testing here warms up nicely when switched on, so we can all huddle around it! PaulG is helping warm our hearts by bringing with him a big tin of choc biscuit assortment, and I (PaulTMFM) chipped in with some donuts and puff pastry mince pies, so morning teabreak should be fun. We've tweeted a couple of suggestions already this morning, but have since thought of a few more:

    HOUSE OF FUN - MADNESS

    FOOL ON THE HILL - BEATLES

    JACK IN THE BOX - THE MOMENTS

    Steve Miller Band is a shoe-in for this theme, so we won't go for that one.

    Have a good day y'all :o)

    - PaulTMFM, RichieJ and PaulG.

  • Comment number 19.

    KNOCK KNOCK, WHOS THERE - MARY HOPKIN

  • Comment number 20.

    Hello all

    How about: laughing out loud by The wallflowers

  • Comment number 21.

    _FUNNY FUNNY - Sweet

  • Comment number 22.

    Whatabout...

    FUNNY GIRL - BARBRA STREISAND

    STAND UP COMEDY - U2

    FUNNY FACE - ELLA FITZGERALD

    WHEN YOU NEED A LAUGH - PATSY CLINE

  • Comment number 23.

    NIK KERSHAW - The Riddle

  • Comment number 24.

    THEY ALL LAUGHED - (WHO'S GOT THE LAST LAUGH NOW?) - Frank Sinatra

  • Comment number 25.

    How about this one....

    PEARL'S A SINGER ~ Elkie Brooks

    "Her job is entertaining folks
    Singing songs and telling jokes
    In a nightclub"

  • Comment number 26.

    STAND AND DELIVER - ADAM ANT

    STAND UP - DAVID LEE ROTH


    That's quite enough from me - shopping now

    See y'awl later

    :^)

  • Comment number 27.

    Hi Simon and everyone.

    Ha! Ha! your R1/R2 switching tale reminds me of the tussles I have when I am transporting my mate to the kickboxing club to teach, we are on route with you in the background and my mate has his finger constantly on R1 button while I am trying to be quick to leave on R2 and yourself and he is 36 next week not 12!

    Anyway time to joke around:

    1. THE JOKER - Steve Miller Band
    2. AINT IT FUNNY - Jennifer Lopez
    3. HA HA WENT THE CLOWN - Manfred Mann
    4. MAKE ME SMILE COME UP AND SEE ME - Steve Harley and his Cockneys
    5. THE LAUGHING GNOME - David Bowie
    6. NO MORE THE FOOL - Elkie Brookes??? I think. ( my mums lookalikey!!)
    7. FOOL AGAIN - Westlife
    8. NOBODYS FOOL - Haircut 100
    9. LAUGHTER IN THE RAIN - Neil Sedaka
    10. STAND AND DELIVER - Adam and the Ants ( jokes are all in the delivery!)

    Oh well work calls

    Laters

    Have a nice day

    Mandy ;)

  • Comment number 28.

    Interesting contrast between the career choices of the Vine offspring, from heavyweight current affairs to stand-up comedy...

    _HE AIN'T HEAVY, HE'S MY BROTHER - The Hollies

  • Comment number 29.

    Is it Tuesdays that Jools Holland hijacks the show? If so why not give him a go:

    IT TAKES A LOT TO LAUGH, IT TAKES A LOT TO CRY by JOOLS HOLLAND AND HIS RHYTHM AND BLUES ORCHESTRA

    Of course there are many other versions to choose from.

  • Comment number 30.

    would never have thought that jokes would be so hard, anyway here are my offerings

    Can you stand on one leg? - Divine Comedy
    The Joker - Steve Miller Band
    Tears of a Clown - Smokey Robinson
    House of Fun - Madness
    Thats entertainment - the Jam
    Welcome to the Pleasure Dome - Frankie Goes to Hollywood
    Happy Talk - Captain Sensible
    Let me entertain You - Robbie Williams

  • Comment number 31.

    Morning all.

    A few Jokers suggestions from me:

    You Started Laughing - Supertramp
    Stuck in the Middle With You - Stealers Wheel
    Won't Get Fooled Again - The Who
    Laughter In The Rain - Neil Sedaka
    House Of Fun - Madness
    Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic - The Police (slightly tenuous I think...)
    Don't Try So Hard - Queen (For all those 'comedians' who try too hard to be funny)

    Just seen John B Goode's suggestion of Stand Up Guy by Mark Knopfler too.

    Back to the grindstone for me though...

  • Comment number 32.

    #29 Of course that should read:

    "It takes a lot to laugh, it takes a TRAIN to cry"

  • Comment number 33.

    TRACKS OF MY TEARS - Smokey Robinson & The Miracles

  • Comment number 34.

    CAN'T STAND UP FOR FALLING DOWN - Elvis Costello

    FEET UP, PAT HIM ON THE PO PO - LET'S HEAR HIM LAUGH - Guy Mitchell

  • Comment number 35.

    _GOOD CLEAN FUN - The Monkees

  • Comment number 36.

    Some great tunes above but let's maintain the standards from last night with:

    AND THE FUN GOES ON by LIEUTENANT PIGEON

    ;-)

  • Comment number 37.

    PJ HARVEY - One Line

    Punchlines for the adult comedians:

    MASSIVE ATTACK - Blue Lines

  • Comment number 38.

    Good morning one and all.......................very quick blog.............hope all is well with everyone.........................thought I would suggest some different oldies for the NYM and Simon to ponder......................................................................

    Pauvre Lola - Serge Gainsbourg

    I Am The Walrus - Beatles

    Feel Good Inc. - Gorillaz

    Reasons To Be Cheerful - Ian Dury

    Good Clean Fun - Allman Brothers Band

    Me done..................................have a good one.....................stay toasty.........

    3 Word Tuesday - Craving Mince Pies!

    Bye for now

    The Magic Roundabout Lady x

  • Comment number 39.

    Morning all again,
    DT team, bloggers and poppets - plus the rebellious DT Dude - what??!! BLUE socks!!
    Our school had boaters in the summer, and as we walked thru Brueton park, prefects hiding in the bushes/behind trees would jump out and tell us off if they weren't ABSOLUTELY level - ie no jaunty angle, if you please - oh and that nice elastic band it had attached? that had to be firmly under chin - really setting the whole combo off, & when you're a teenager trying to look cool and pull an SBS boy at the bus stop - it didn't help...
    ANYWAY back to the Theme:

    I WAS ONLY JOKING BY ROD STEWART OR GUNS N ROSES
    I did tweet David Bowie's laughing gnome, but it's entering HOIB territory I think...

    Like the Stealers Wheel suggestion, so please can I 2nd/3rd whatever that one.
    Great tongue in cheek choices yesterday, which I think is great, esp liked the 'Roll with it' Steve Winwood - or whould have like OASIS, but they are still a little bit R1, eh Simon?!

    Laters, to relive the TOTP watching with parents experience (Pans People gave my dad an incentive not to turn the TV channel over - that and the fact that Tomorrow's World was to follow..)

  • Comment number 40.

    PHIL FEARON & GALAXY - Everybody's Laughing

  • Comment number 41.

    Good Morning All :)

    Thank you to everyone who sent good wishes fo my nan :) She is still improving slowly, so I am going to visit her tomorrow. I have a busy day in prospect, so no time to loiter with intent on the blog :(

    Anyway oldie suggestions...

    REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL PART 3 - IAN DURY AND THE BLOCKHEADS

    SMILE - THE SUPERNATURALS

    THE GREAT BEYOND - REM

    A BOY NAMED SUE - JOHNNY CASH

    FEEL GOOD INC - THE GORILLAZ

  • Comment number 42.

    Has anyone mentioned...

    HELLO - THE BELOVED

    That song name checks lots of funny people... And Cannon and Ball ;D

  • Comment number 43.

    #16 We used to have ties with very thick knots, and hardly anything hanging down. And we would roll up the waistbands of our knee length skirts to make them shorter. But I don't suppose you did that one, John... ;o)

    #41 Glad to hear your nan is improving, Zoe. You're in my thoughts.

    I never had the choice of listening to R1 in the car - I think my Dad's car radio could only get R4. Or at least that's what he told me... actually, we didn't really have the radio on much, if it was a long journey we'd listen to a tape. Usually classical. My R1 listening took place in the sanctuary of my bedroom. But I have the arguements with my own kids, particularly Daughter. One time we had DT on, and I got out to fill the car with petrol, and when I got back in I thought "this doesn't sound like the kind of music Simon usually plays..." The cheeky minx had changed over to some ear-bleeding station, hoping I wouldn't notice.

    ~X~

  • Comment number 44.

    #43 It's all coming back to me now - we didn't just have Radio 4 on in the car when I was growing up. I remember listening to something called "Sing something simple" - think it must have been on a Sunday night, coming back from my grandparents. Wasn't that Radio 2? Not exactly music to mosh to...

    ~X~

  • Comment number 45.

    All the best jokes should be
    UNFORGETABLE - NAT KING COLE
    (or maybe for jazzy show stopper)

    Enjoy the day

  • Comment number 46.

    #44 I seem to recall that too. It was after the chart rundown, when Radio 1 hijacked Radio 2's FM frequency for a couple of hours. Though I also seem to recall Annie Nightingale being on after the charts. I feel a senior moment coming on...

  • Comment number 47.

    Hello Everybody,

    'I Was Only Joking' Rod Stewart

    Have a good day one and all

  • Comment number 48.

    Another...

    WHY NOT SMILE by REM

  • Comment number 49.

    #44 Yes, sing something simple (R2) was the soundtrack to my dad polishing shoes on a Sunday night (does anyone do that anymore??)
    It followed 'The Clitheroe Kid' - our Sunday lunchtime soundtrack...SO funny.

    #41 Zoe not sure if I have let you know that your nan is in my thoughts.
    These ladies (like my Mum-in-Law at 89 next Saturday) lived thru the war - and they tend not to complain, but they really have seen something of life.
    My mum in law had her hip replacement replacement (not a mistake, it really is a 20 yr old hip being replaced) op a week ago, and already she is being kicked out of hospital, by taxi (!) as they need the bed. She can't yet walk more than a few steps, is still being sick and generally needs 24/7 help.
    Her experience makes me think of the old saying 'The operation was a success, but the patient died' - the after-care is for me as important as the op!
    We and my sis in law have decided to pay for her to transfer to a private hospital, for we hope only a week as it's £1000 a month....

    Hope all goes well with your nan and she's home for Xmas, if not for her birthday!

  • Comment number 50.

    Too early for a pun? No? Great...

    MARVIN GAYE - I HEARD IT THROUGH THE TIM VINE

    I thank you...

  • Comment number 51.

    Three word Tuesday....

    Choking on muesli!

    MTF :O

  • Comment number 52.

    Good morning Simon, Team and fellow blogpoppets

    Seems I have given a number of you the cold I had a couple of weeks ago. My apologies - I must have sneezed on the screen and infected you. Hope you feel betterer soon. And I hope the cold-free blogpoppets are well and manage to avoid the lurgy.

    Zoe - hope your nan continues her recovery.

    Suzieee - hope your M-i-L does likewise.

    Happy belated birthday PSL!

    Deebee & Mo, glad the Danny Boyle thing was good.

    I used to listen to the chart countdown on a Sunday evening and it was always a mad scramble to get to the "Off" button before the Sing Something Simple theme music started!


    Back later

    Alex-Girl

    PS: Simon, the plural of Chris? Chris'.(I think).

  • Comment number 53.

    Lovely bright but chilly day here

    CHARLIE BROWN (He's a clown) - THE COASTERS

  • Comment number 54.

    IT TAKES A LOT TO LAUGH, IT TAKES A TRAIN TO CRY by BOB DYLAN, among others
    AIN'T IT FUNNY HOW TIME SLIPS AWAY by AL GREEN & LYLE LOVETT
    JOKING by THE INDIGO GIRLS
    YOU'RE THE ONE THAT I WANT by HYLDA BAKER & ARTHUR MULLARD ... or
    DON'T GO BREAKING MY HEART by HYLDA BAKER & ARTHUR MULLARD
    FUNNY FAMILIAR FORGOTTEN FEELINGS by SIR TOM JONES

  • Comment number 55.

    Chris' is the plural of Chris.

  • Comment number 56.

    Morning all,

    Nice chilly, (boiler went last night) - much tutting and mmmmming from heating engineer this morning. Probably while he was rubbing his hands in glee.

    How about -
    THE LAUGHING GNOME - BOWIE
    GET UP STAND UP - BOB MARLEY
    SMILE - LILY ALLEN

    3WT - HEATING ENGINEER LATE

    Cheers - Love ya Bye

  • Comment number 57.

    Chris's is also fine.

  • Comment number 58.

    thank you for all my birthday greetings I had a lovely day....baking to my new Etta James CD.......

    My dad used to listen to 'sing something simple' on a Sunday evening too, I see that Ed Stewpot Stewart is doing his juniour choice show again this Christmas....

  • Comment number 59.

    hi all

    stuck in the middle-steelers wheel(clowns 2 the left jokers 2 the right)

    funny funny-the sweet

  • Comment number 60.

    Re: plural of Chris ............ I was taught that an apostrophe is never used to form the plural of a proper noun as it can all too easily be confused with the genitive.

    Personally, I'd opt for 'Chrises'

  • Comment number 61.

    Yeah, what he said...

  • Comment number 62.

    #52 Alex, #55 loveoneanother and #57 Andrew - re plural of Chris.

    I think you're wrong!

    Chris' or Chris's is the possessive of Chris - Chris's hat or Chris' hat (which is also up for debate, as to what is the correct possessive form for names ending in -s like Chris or Thomas or Jesus)

    But the plural of Chris is Chrises. Like the plural of Jones is Joneses. So you would say "I like the Jones's (or Jones') car", but then you're "keeping up with the Joneses"

    The plural of chrysalis is "chrysalises". (Just to confuse things, the plural of emphasis is "emphases" (rhymes with cheese) - but I don't think that creates a case for the plural of Chris being Chres. Or Chreese!

    Which still doesn't explain why the park in London is called St James's but the Newcastle football ground was called (until recently) St James'.

    *stands at the front of class with a smug smile and gratefully receives Blue Peter Book of Pendantry from headmaster Mayo*

  • Comment number 63.

    Afternoon all - apart from the black ice this morning all is well. Funnily enough when I moved in with Mr Aquaplane my radio started gravitating away from 2 and towards Radio 4. Now that his Justin has moved in it's also finding Radio 1, strange.

    How about ONE FOR THE VINE(S) - GENESIS

    Cheerio!

  • Comment number 64.

    #43 Thank you Deebee :)

    #49 Thank you for your kind thoughts, Suzie & sorry to hear about your MIL :( I hope the stay in the private hospital helps her on the road to recovery, but very sad that she has to be shunted out of the NHS before she was sufficiently recovered.

    My nan will be 98 on Thursday, she has lived through so many historic events and some fantasic highs and tragic lows in her own personal life. I think though, that it is both a blessing and a curse to live so long, a blessing because of all she's seen and done in her 98 years, and a curse because she's now so physically frail that she needs 24/7 care. She herself said the other day, as she needed the most intimate of care from the nurses "I never thought I'd get to this." And that's the tragedy, if we all live long enough, we will all reach the stage where we can't even do the most basic of functions without assistance.

    #52 Thanks Alex G :)

    On the radio station choices - I think I was lucky as a child because I got to listen to Radio 1, or whatever else I wanted, but mostly via the tranny radio that my mum gave me. When I was a teenager, my stepdad didn't mind listening to Radio 1 in the car, because he was a mobile DJ at the time, and he liked to keep in touch with chart music. Funnily enough, I actually have more problems these days, trying to listen to Radio 2, at home or in the car. This is because the mister isn't into listening to the radio, or if he does he prefers Classic FM. He just about tolerates me listening to Drivetime, as I have laid it on the line to him, I must have my Drivetime or else!

    Off to a meeting now, hopefully back later.

    Take care one and all xxxx

  • Comment number 65.

    Good Afternoon Each!

    Just a quick pop by suggestioning from me, and I'll try tgo be back in a bit.

    'Boom, Boom' by John Lee Hooker

  • Comment number 66.

    #62 JBG, I'm with you on this one

  • Comment number 67.

    'Punchline' by The Beach Boys

    And you are all wrong. The plural of Chris is " too blimmin' many".

  • Comment number 68.

    #62 - correct.

    The apostrophe implies possession.

    Yours,
    A fellow pedant

  • Comment number 69.

    Afternoon Poppeteers

    *breathes in almost perfectly*

    After many hours of sleep and lots of lotions and potions later, I think I may just be feeling better. Phew! Glad to get it out of the way before the holiday season when it usually hits me.

    Laughing at Sing Something Simple as it reminded me of being in a sick bed when I was younger and having to listen to it. No strength to change channels. And that was probably the start of my love affair with radio 2.

    Some great choon choices today. I can't think of anymore over and above what has been said - so good luck to you all. At least I'll be able to hear the show tonight.

    Catch you later

    Shona x

  • Comment number 70.

    #66 HtS, safety in numbers!

    #67 PoS, ha! Sounds like your radio isn't tuned to either R1 or R2 in the morning?!

  • Comment number 71.

    I can still remember my father nearly exploding when he saw a sign on a market stall selling bunches of yellow flowers at Easter:

    DAPH'S £2 PER BUNCH

  • Comment number 72.

    I have two daughters who each are married to a 'Chris', and their surnames both start with the same letter. Flippin' nightmare sometimes.

    Irrelevant really, just thought I'd throw it in.

  • Comment number 73.

    John, maybe they were Daphs daffs?

    Incidentally, I bought some daffs to take up to London, when Cin was on. How bizarre!

    Ours dont come out until Christmas!

    MTF :)

  • Comment number 74.

    John

    Apologies for the delay in responding - I have been standing quietly in the corner. You are, of course, quite correct.

    If I'd actually read what had been posted...

  • Comment number 75.

    Good afternoon all - lovely sunny day here in S Essex but v. cold! Have just ordered Mr a heater for his workshop to save him freezing to death!

    Would love to hear MY FUNNY VALENTINE by one of the crooners. Lovely song.

    Confession time - I used to listen to Sing Something Simple whilst in the bath on a sunday night - memories of songs my nan had sheet music to and we used to sing along to in the 'parlour' of her house.

    Zoe - hope your nan is improving and sees her 98th birthday. What must she have seen in her life time!?

    Get well soon all sick bloggers.

    Writing cards this afternoon. See you later.

    Jennie

  • Comment number 76.

    #64
    Is it me, or as we get older, the thought of losing marbles, body parts, hair and teeth gets ever more real. At least we don't live in a 'Logan's Run' world where people are incinerated at 30...blog would be a mite quiet if that was the case...

    Last theme choice from me:

    DIVINE COMEDY & 'IN PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS'

    I saw Tim Vine at Oxford's Bullingdon Club comedy night - he was doing his rapid-fire routine with so many jokes, in a set amount of time (with which he had gained the Guiness world record) and true to form, I COULD NOT REMEMBER A SINGLE JOKE BY THE TIME I GOT HOME.
    Why is that? If anyone mentions marbles, I will be in a huff....only as long as I remember, 'course.

    Laters, if 'divine' inspiration strikes.

  • Comment number 77.

    #52 John, I stand corrected. I am now trying to write a poem that uses "emphases" and "cheese" in a sensible way. If I achieve it, I will post it. A knowledgeable place, this here blog.

    Thinking of silly signs, a question for MTF. Does the wee shop in Porlock still have the sign up that says:

    "No
    Dogs
    Smoking
    Ice-creams"

    Always made me laugh!

    A-G

  • Comment number 78.

    There is a sign on the North York Moors that reads:

    "Please Do Not Throw Stones at This Sign"

  • Comment number 79.

    #62 There really was a Headmaster Mayo, you know. He was Simon's dad...

    #64 "laid it on the line to him" - must try that with Mr B. Now he's working from home, he has a habit of coming into the kitchen at about 6 o'clock when he's finished for the day, and wanting to chat.

    #67 Hahaha!

    #69 Glad to hear you're feeling better Shona

    Think that's me caught up.

    ~X~

  • Comment number 80.

    Oh Alex, I must go along and have a look. Is it the small shop next to the car park?

    Sells sweeties in jars?

    LOL Andrew, talk about giving people ideas.

    MTF :)

  • Comment number 81.

    my words of wisdom for today.....you are never too old to lick the bowl out after baking...yummy ;-P

    PSL x

  • Comment number 82.

    #80 That would be the one, MTF!

    Deebee, Mr P has STRICT instructions not to speak on the now rare occasions when I get to listen to Drivetime. Thankfully, he now has his studio to retreat to. Perhaps you should get Mr B a new shed for Christmas so he can go an potter for an hour when he finishes work?

    Signs - I just do not understand those road signs that state "Sign Not In Use". It's like those long application forms where there is a page at the back that has "Deliberately Left Blank" typed on it. Well, it's not blank then??

  • Comment number 83.

    #78 is that outside the 'Slaughtered Lamb' pub?? sounds like it should be.
    I do find that signs which say 'do not' make me want to - also feel a strange attraction to the BIG RED stop button at the side of escalators...

  • Comment number 84.

    #82 the Man-Shed in our garden is the best money I ever spent...there's heating, (a fake woodburning stove) lighting, electrikery AND WiFi - he's in heaven.

    #77 images of Bassett hounds up on two legs, fag hanging out of mouth - with a dripping number 99 (with flake) in one paw.
    You guys.

  • Comment number 85.

    Suzieee, we cook chips in our shed (also wall to wall carpeted!) as I wont have a fryer in the house.

    Love the idea of the woodburner, fake or not!

    MTF :)

  • Comment number 86.

    A funny sign I saw in a shop window was "Thirty Bob Aprons. Only £1.50"

    Don't know if this one is an urban myth as it happened to "a friend of a friend" but when asked during her driving test, "Tell me a sign you may see in the countryside", the girl replied, "Potatoes for sale"

    Glad to be back in the land of the living and get back to work tomorrow.

    Shona x

  • Comment number 87.

    #81 Absolutely PSL - it's a must!

    #82 Alex, the key phrase in that sentence is 'on the now rare occasions' - trouble is, I have DT on every evening... Mr B does like the Confessions though, and asks me which songs I have suggested. I'm training him, slowly... In the meantime, he can always go and tinker with his sports car (no, that's not a euphemism!)

    #84 Suziee, LOL! I'm now waiting for Florence to come along with that very picture!

    ~X~

  • Comment number 88.

    Hi all .. no time to join in as wasted my break catching up (not wasted; wise investment in time) ..

    We also have retuning battles in our house .. the Masters from Eastleigh favouring Radio 1 LOUDLY .. Mr from Eastleigh being of the Classic FM persuasion LOUDLY .. and me turning the dial back to Radio 2 'in the background' ..

    I have hinted that Father Christmas gets me a digital radio for the kitchen to ease the retuning. I know it will cause a spooky time delay with other rooms, as currently have this if listening to the radio via Freeview, but the benefit of being able to tune away from LOUD Radio 1 at the touch of a button far outweighs this ..

    Finally, went to see Hugo on Lord Ammo's recommendation last night .. a beautiful film that bought a tear and a loud sniff to both Mr from Eastleigh and me .. worth looking like Roy Orbison in our 3-D glasses ..

  • Comment number 89.

    Hmm... now I'm not so sure about the North York Moors bit (but yes, ouside the Slaughtered Lamb would be just the place for it: 'There's nothing for you 'ere...'). There is more on the 'Do not throw stones at this sign' thing here:

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/notesandqueries/query/0,5753,-1655,00.html

    Having read through, I'm guessing I saw this in Private Eye (so it must be true...)

  • Comment number 90.

    "we cook chips in our shed"

    Now that is a very good idea.

  • Comment number 91.

    #84 LOL!

    Deebee, sadly the commute now conflicts with Drivetime. 2 evenings a week, I drive back with Mr P and we leave about 6.15 so I hear the last 45 minutes. Then, it is a train home for 2 evenings a week and I don't get home till 7. So, I only hear the whole show on my "working from home" day. Not for much longer though - only 7 working days to go and this pesky contract finishes and I can return to daily blogging and listening to the show. Fingets crossed that Simon doesn't decide to take 3 weeks off in January!!!

  • Comment number 92.

    Off to work now and right on cue, the sky has turned black once more!

    Will listen out for your song suggestions after 5. Nothing sprung to mind for me today.

    Cheerio.

    MTF :)

  • Comment number 93.

    #89 Like the link!

  • Comment number 94.

    #93 - I think my favourite one there is this one:

    At Mevagissey Harbour in Cornwall, a sign announces landing charges for visiting craft: Up to 10 feet £10 10-20 feet £10 20-30 feet £10 30 feet and over £10

  • Comment number 95.

    There is a pub near us that has quite low ceilings, and there's a sign on one of the beams - 'duck or grouse'

    ;o)

  • Comment number 96.

    Mr W doesn't mind me listening to DT. R2 is on in the house all day. However, usual interruptions of dog walking and shopping prevent me hearing the whole show. My problem is trying to get on a shared laptop :(

    Seemingly we are in for a blizzard tonight and tomorrow morning. Yikes! And we already have a hard crisp slippy dusting of snow.

    Just had a bath and ready to face the world tomorrow. Yipee!

  • Comment number 97.

    Do Not Throw Stones At This Sign. Reminds me of a shop sign I saw once whilst visiting the Norfolk Broads. The shop proudly proclaimed itself to be a 'Haberdashery & Undertaker'. As if that wasn't funny enough, a notice in the window invited queries inside, for the 'small amounts of topsoil, occasionally available'.

    As an aside, but in a similar vein, why are dictionary pages numbered?

  • Comment number 98.

    I saw a very cever sign in a camping shop one year saying

    "Now is the winter of our discount tents"

  • Comment number 99.

    Darn the "L" button

    #98 clever

  • Comment number 100.

    Glad you're feeling better Shona, but it sounds like you might have to have a 'snow day' tomorrow anyway!

    ~X~

 

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