Window of inopportunity
Oh Lordy. Transfer deadline day. Can't help feeling that this particular window needed a bloke with a squeegee to clean it up. For a while there I thought the only certainty was that if a 'Kittens for sale' sign went up in a Nunthorpe newsagent's window, Spurs would have been interested.
Boro fans had a late rush of blood, mind. Johnson went to Eastlands, where the lad can chat through the winger's art with the likes of Shaun Wright-Phillips. (Head down, run like fury, cul-de-sac, scuff it). Money aside, why young Adam wants to join the bench-bound elite of City's B-team and become one more footballer-shaped scatter cushion is beyond me.
'Course Strachan's asked himself in the light of recent international performances where's the best place to bag a couple of top goalscorers and has somwhow come up with the answer 'Scotland'. Heaven help us.
I heard (wrongly) there was talk of Emmanuel Adebayor moving, but given he barely moved at all during City's 2-0 win on Sunday, I wasn't surprised he stayed put.
Meanwhile at the Pound Shop - or Portsmouth FC - the chromatically-challenged David James remains - presumably he likes dressing up as a schoolgirl's highlighter pen.
Maybe he was wearing it in sympathy with the ball-boys at the Aussie Open. The bloke who drills them kids must have a pretty merciless streak: 'Well done, lads! You're gonna be ball boys at one of the greatest tennis tournaments in the world. Now go and get your cooked-prawn costumes on, will ya!?'
The less said about Murray's torment at the hands of Federer the better. Fed is a wonder of modern sport but that's enough now. There's something about his big smiley face that makes me want to blinking paintball the utter genius.
Of course, the reason why there was no major action in the transfer market is because no one's got any flaming money. The sums owed by the likes of United leave me more bewildered than a recovering Arsenal left-back.
Nani has looked like a Michael Jackson tribute act ever since he arrived at OT, and on Sunday afternoon he did a double-shuffle that the King of Pop would've envied. He was good, mind.
Mike Phelan says the penny's dropped for Nani now. That's optimistic. Afonso Alves could've looked downright threatening against the Gunners' defence. They closed down Woolworths a lot quicker than Arsenal closed down Ji-Sung Park on Sunday. Bleeding hopeless. Chelsea'll tonk 'em next weekend and we're back to the two-horse race.
Still United have recovered a lot of their poise since Leeds turned them over like a child's mattress the other week. It could yet be a close run thing at the top.
The main transfer talking point this week will be the question of to whom the England captaincy will be transferred, following the allegations about John Terry's private life.
There's many of you out there who doubt Terry's ability as a footballer but I'm not one of them. I think he's a cracking centre-half. On the pitch he's trusty as they come. It's just off the pitch where he's accused of losing his positional sense.
Not that your average young footballer is a bastion of moral rectitude. I wouldn't expect them to be. But the needle on JT's moral compass has occasionally appeared to point southwards.
John Terry scores against Burnley
There is of course the allegations of unfaithfulness behind the missus's back. If these allegations are true, I don't think Terry can remain England skipper.
If he thinks otherwise then he should've been there when we tried to ignore a similar incident in the Blue Bell team. What followed made Dyer v Bowyer look like a game of pat-a-cake.
Suffice to say there was a little bit of DIY surgery required to detach the adulterer from the netting of a goal, and it wasn't helped by the fact that the lad was coughing up mud he'd been force-fed in the same incident. Both lads were dismissed from the field of play of course, but that didn't stop the dispute carrying on as they left the pitch, Bremner-Keegan-styley.
Of course, the barometer of public opinion that is the FA has been quick to plant its flag of integrity into the hillock of common decency with their bold response to questions regarding the England captaincy. That is: 'Ask Fabio'.
I think Capello should give the captaincy to a man of unimpeachable integrity. No late-night scrapes or liaisons dangereuses or missed drug tests. Is Scholesy sure he's given up international footy?