Robbo's nightmare clockwatch
What a horrible week. I can't sleep. I walk around with the same feeling as an MP who's been a bit crafty with his duck island expenses... the truth will out. And the truth is that we're going down.
I've been imagining whether Southgate could manage a David Pleat style hush-puppy hop across Upton Park, or a Bryan Robson-style Baggies escape!
But prospects for a blinking miracle have not been good. The Wilf Mannion statue has not been weeping milky tears as far as I know. Some non-believer (a Geordie we reckon) scoffed the kettle chip that looked suspiciously like Southgate that Tony Thompson was keeping behind the bar in the cigar box.
I asked the neighbour if I could borrow his lucky horseshoe, so he chucked it over the front fence for us and the bloody thing cleaned out the window on the passenger seat of the Robsons' Megane.
He was less happy for me to avail myself of a lucky rabbit's foot direct from his little girl's pet. He's a misery that fella. Added to that, the wife says the lucky pants were blown clean off the line on Monday.
It gets worse. In Morrison's I found a potato that looked very much like Iain Dowie. Then I freaked meself out, 'cos on closer inspection they ALL looked like Iain Dowie. He'll no doubt be banging on to his players on Sunday morning about 'winning ugly', but seriously what choice has that fella ever had?
It seems lots of people are slagging Hull off 'cos they might be up against this United C team, but supporters of the Toon and at the Stadium of Plight should just wind their necks in. Ferguson can - and will - play who the hell he likes, and if their respective strugglers had played half-decent football throughout the season then there'd be no issue, 'cos the Tigers would have long since stopped burning bright.
The result at the KC will be key, of course. I know that NUFC could start a karaoke in a Trappist monastery but they should at least be able to draw against a Villa team who could well be playing in Hawaiian shirts and flip-flops with Mai Tais on the go.
In my darkest moments, this is how I imagine it panning out:
1428: At the KC Stadium, the Manchester United squad arrive. The players struggle to get out until Mike Phelan helps the mums unbuckle each and every one of them out their car-seats.
1550: Joey Barton is on the pitch at Villa, in some stocks, being pelted by his team-mates with wet sponges. Shearer is delighted that the errant Scouser is taking part in team-bonding exercises.
1553: Steve Gibson arrives in his seat at Upton Park. He has a black hanky on his head.
1558: Didier Drogba is rolling around in agony in the centre-circle at the Stadium of Light. His warm-up over, he gets to his feet and Chelsea kick off.
1601: What a start for the Boro! A long cross from Matthew Bates is poked out of the keeper's hands by the tip of Stewie Downing's crutch! It's 1-0 to the Boro and an inevitable howler for England's new number one, Rob Green.
1602: Hull are behind! A wonderful finish by Man U's latest find, a toddler from a Madeiran hamlet called Ronaldinhoinho taps home from a Macheda cross.
1603: Sunderland ahead. Cisse, Jones and Richardson all miss the same cross from a yard out but Terry picks the ball up and hurls it into his own net out of sympathy.
1604: Chelsea level. Anelka scores. News reaches the Ronaldo household and Cristiano starts the car - he's got an hour and a half to get to Hull from Cheshire to save the golden boot.
1610: Very edgy at Villa Park. Mike Ashley tries to liven up the fans by necking a barrel of ale in slightly less time than it takes to down the entire club.
1620: United two-up. Great finish by one of them Brazilian triplets Fergie's giving a debut to.
1622: Chelsea go 2-1 ahead. Anelka again. Cristiano is clocked at 225 mph on the M62.
16.25: Boro two-up!!! Fabulous strike by Lucas Neill. Cheers, you dodgy Aussie clogger!
16.40: Villa penalty! Coloccini muffs a pass back, Harper fells the onrushing Agbonlahor. The keeper's off and Shearer goes in goal. He is after all the saviour. Barry strokes it and big Al floats across the goal-line on a magical cloud and catches it in his harp.
16:50: Half-time and Boro have salvation in their grasp. Man U's youngsters take the chance to have a nappy change, as do the Toon Army who have been very nervous during the first 45 minutes.
1702: It's 3-0 to the Boro and as it stands, they go above Hull. Cracking goal by Emnes.
1706: Penalty to Villa again! Barry tries to concentrate but Shearer has a little chat with the midfielder and Barry is half-asleep by the time he steps up to take the kick and the ball dribbles into the Messiah's grateful grasp.
1712: Anelka hat-trick! Hiddink takes him off. Ronaldo trashes his roadster in the KC car park and dashes out to join Fergie on the bench.
1725: Villa score. Big John Carew glances home a header under challenge from a light breeze in the West Midlands area but nowt else. Boro are safe!
1730: Cristiano is lying in the technical area pummeling the ground with his fists. Bless.
1743: Boro are holding on to their 3-0. Chelsea have scored another three but it's not relevant.
1752: Results: West Ham 0 Boro 3; Sunderland 1 Chelsea UMPTEEN; Hull 0 Man United 2; still playing at Villa Park. Brave call by brave Shearer... Big Al the Brave. He bungs his keeper's jersey on to Michael Owen and goes upfront himself.
1753: PENALTY TO THE BARCODES! And look who's taking it!! Shearer steps up. Completely JTs it! Two magpies fly on to the pitch and peck at the ball as it dribbles wide. The sudden escape of air makes the ball deviate wildly... and in it flies past a bewildered Friedel!!!
The birds land on each of Shearer's shoulders and lift him up, carrying him across the massed ranks of Toon Army spectators as he glad-hands each and every one of them! It's a flipping steal!
There are tears at Hull but Wazza find s a box of tissues for Ron. The Bigg Market is swamped by celebrating Geordies and all is right with the world. And in Teesside, the smog closes in around us and we have a quiet month-long mope on our tods. Sigh.
I'm Derek Robson. People call me Robbo. Legend has it I was raised in the furnace and smog of Teesside. Some might say I took the hard road. I like to tell folk I had trials for Middlesbrough, for Hartlepool and for burglary (not guilty). I've always loved sport. My job is to say it as I see it - whether it's in the bar of the Blue Bell or on this blog. You won't find me calling a spade a soil-redistribution implement.
© MMIX~RS~q~RS~~RS~z~RS~16~RS~)
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"...they ALL looked like Iain Dowie" LOL - good to see the top drawer still being used despite the crisis Robbo.
Chin up son
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Quality as usual Robbo...
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"The birds land on each of Shearer's shoulders and lift him up, carrying him across the massed ranks of Toon Army spectators as he glad-hands each and every one of them!"
this image will live with me forever...
Quality as ever mush... too many good lines to mention?
Only criticism: Thier is nothing in here that Man U and liverpool fans can argue about and thus take over the entire blog?
Oh i'm sure they'll find something!
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Great writing as usual but why such a pessimist though Robbo?! Surely being optimistic and a Borough fan isn't mutually exclusive? I would back a C team Man Utd Squad to beat Hull and Villa's pace up front should cut through The Toon's back 4!
p.s. I am haunted by Iain Dowie every time I watch The Goonies, embodied in Sloth.
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haha love it (as a newcastle fan) only hope we can get something at villa park.
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the potato looking like Iain Dowie....CLASSIC!
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As a Chelsea fan, I loved the line about Drogba's warm up!! (Would love to see Ronnie miss out on the Golden Boot too...).
It'll be a shame if Boro go down- a well run club, good academy and a chairman who believes in a little loyalty- I'll miss them.
Can't say the same for the barcodes...
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Hilarious Robbo.
I think the barcodes are going to escape. That would be a shame for Hull and Boro but I think those two can bounce back. I think for Newcastle the drop would be too far and it would be years before the bounce registered. But they could wave at Leeds coming the other way. Oh, maybe not.
I hope someone buys Ashley out of that club and they can get back to life as normal. What a fish!
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Another great read as always Robbo. It's just a darn shame that one of the north-east teams has to go down. Having all three together in the top flight has been a wild ride!
As a Newcastle fan, I'm just going to find this Sunday to be a tad distressing. Every minute that passes, I'll be keeping one eye on the table and the other on the scores. Most tense Sunday I've ever had since the time I nearly burnt the Sunday dinner! Nobody noticed the slight crunch to the taties, thank goodness! Those Dowie look-a-likes went down a treat.
Anyway, good luck to all three north-east teams, and here's to a good weekend no matter what happens!
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Hilarious, kidder. Where did you get the three teams from the north-east? There's two and Boro aren't one of them- as you well know. You're Yorkshire and nowt wrong with that. The third north-east team would be Darlo, Hartlepool, Gatesheed , Berwick, Whitley Bay...
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"Some non-believer scoffed the kettle chip that looked suspiciously like Southgate. I found a potato that looked very much like Iain Dowie...on closer inspection they ALL looked like Iain Dowie."
In a similar fashion, I've never come across a kettle chip that didn't resemble Gareth Southgate.
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3-0 win for Boro seems rather far-fetched.
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Excellent blog as usual. Can't see your Boro surviving I'm afraid but have a sneaky suspicion that the bar codes will nick a draw and the youngsters of United will be too strong for the Tigers.
Love the line about Drogba's warm up. He follows it up with a couple of minutes of glaring, wild eyed at the ref, practising for the final minute winner by Kieran Richardson who has clattered all four corner posts and killed two ball boys by the time he eventually falls over JT's leg and the ball hits him to go in the net...........
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hello robbo my son did you then wake up and smell the coffee lol 3-0 to boro is quite far fetched. i would say a nice easy 2-0 to the mighty hammers myself.
but the rest of the blog outstanding as usuall enjoy the cumpionship !!!!
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sorry ment chumpionship doh !!
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Boro down! Not until it mathematically certain - that'll buy the Boro fans a couple more weeks.
I heard that Southgate was planning an expenses claim if they're relegated - he'll put them politicians to shame if he does because Alves, Digard, Emnes etc were bloody expensive.
If Dowie is such an ugly b.... person, then why did he go to the North East? I always thought he'd want to stand out and be himself.
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Iain Dowie is a very handsome man.
Yours sincerely,
King Edward.
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And where does this "barcodes" come from, then? Like calling Boro "the Pippins"- from the colour of their sharts (or their hobbit-like stature. And don't even get on to Frodo- who bottled it. The Return of the King was obviously written about Alagorn).
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Possibly your best blog of the season!
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Middlesborough need Tuncay on top form and produce a couple of magical moments like he did with the overhead kick against Villa. Of course, even if they win well against WH it may still not be enough.
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Nothing has gone wrong in North Eastfootball, Gateshead have reached the Conference National, Blyth Spartans had a great run in the FA Cup and in the Unibond 1st Division North both promoted clubs, Durham City and Newcastle Blue Star, acheived promotion to the Unibond Premier Division
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In fact,the article is sensational
Southgate is Very reluctant to do so
money money money,all are about money.
look at MU ,CHELSEA,LIVERPOOL AND the rising of Manchester city
http://www.nowgoal.com/17.shtml
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Brilliant blog Robbo. Chuckled all the way through. It's a true measure of your professionalism that from the verge of what would be meltdown for mere mortals, you are able to put together such a brilliantly witty piece, seeing the sadness, irony and humour of it all from every angle! Thank-you for all your perspectives on the season about to end!
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Great post. I'm rooting for Hull & Newcastle losses! Of these three I'd rather Boro stay up than the other two.
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I think the one thing the smoggies do is wring a bit of mirth from the worst of situations. Don't expect the Toonites to be anyhting like as philosophical if his Mythship can't keep them up.
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Robbo, Take a bow son!!!
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Ronaldo better be careful dribing that fast hes got a final to play in!!
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Best blog for a while Robbo.....relegation makes you funnier!!!!
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Robbo, ur simply the best!!
(Why does the cristiano ronaldo angle seem so BELIEVABLE???!!! LOL)
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On balance, by Sunday, I'd rather be witless and up.
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Hope Ronaldo gets the golden boot it may just help him stay on his feet. they are made to measure aren't they?
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Hope Ron gets the golden boot, Fergie gets the golden handshake and Dowie gets the golden wonder.
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Ref 12
Kettle chips are what one implants into one's fresians to stop them being rustled by scousers.
In what way do they resemble Gareth Southgate?
Yours sincerely,
M.P. Duck.
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Backed Ronnie Rollover for Golden Boot at 8/1, 7/1, 6/1 and 4/1.
Gutted if he doesn't play cos Anelka was born to p*** peolpe off and don't you just know it's gonna go wrong.
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saved the best til last robbo! enjoy the championship!...
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I'm just waiting for monday when burnley unveil tevez and he comes on to score and keeps united out the premiership.
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It will be good to see Hull stay up, for two reasons, one is to let Phil Brown loose on Arsene Wenger again next season, and t'other is to hear all the geordies moaning all summer about how fergie stitched them up.
You're so spot on, 38 games in a season, not just the last one
Quality as ever robbo, but don't you worry about the championship, it's league one where the real footy is, with alves leading your line .... we'll see you soon !!! :)
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"I think the one thing the smoggies do is wring a bit of mirth from the worst of situations. Don't expect the Toonites to be anyhting like as philosophical if his Mythship can't keep them up."
You aren't kidding are you, I am starting to think that my investment in the new phone boxes down the Bigg Market was not such a good idea!
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Brilliant Robbo! Another top blog.
Loved the comments about Ronaldo, Drogba, the Man Utd C Team and Ian Dowie!
To be honest, I am actually hoping and expecting Boro get relegated. If the financial situation is as bad as I've heard (debts of around £80m) then I think the best thing that could happen would be for the club to go down, sell off it's top-earning players and restructure itself to operate on a smaller budget.
If we stayed in the PL all I can foresee is another season of struggle and strife, without a major cash injection...with eventual relegation in any case.
I think Boro, like Sunderland are a relatively small club (in terms of fan base, finances etc.) that has overachieved for quite a while now. If we can no longer afford to spend the kind of money that enables us to compete in the PL, then a drop into the 2nd tier is the inevitable outcome.
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Anyone wondering what todays Robbo blog would be like with no jokes please read Mr McNulty's latest musings...
4 way dog fight for relegation, and he still makes it about as intersting as an Alan Shearer post match analysis...
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"...in the Unibond 1st Division North both promoted clubs, Durham City and Newcastle Blue Star, acheived promotion to the Unibond Premier Division"
...where the mighty Kendal Town are just waiting to send them back down...!
On a serious note: 'both promoted clubs...' '...achieved promotion to the Unibond Premier.'
I always thought it was the relegated clubs who achieved promotion.
Good blog Robbo, I will miss you almost as much as Stelling when the season finishes.But I might miss you a little bit more than Kammy...
Who am I kidding, Kammy's my favourite.
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One of your best Robbo. Drog's warm up and Dowies Spuds with Ron's dash to Hull, all good stuff.
Good Luck.
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That was the BEST live text ever!! Gotta love it... sorry bout the Boro Robbo...you'll be back!
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The most ridiculous blog post I've ever read.
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p.s...but at least your honest about the Ferguson team selection 'excuse'.
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Newcastle could be playing Gateshead in a couple of years, what with Gateshead getting promoted from the Blue Square North...
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10/10 Robbo.
Good luck next season
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1622: Chelsea go 2-1 ahead. Anelka again. Cristiano is clocked at 225 mph on the M62.
Hahahahahaha, marvelous.
i hope the geordies go down i really do. i will be so happy, its about time, only reason they have stayed up all these years is because given has saved them!!!
now he's gone they are being found out.......
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As a student in Newcastle I'm torn. On one hand I could watch the Newcastle vs Doncaster Rovers game next season, but if Shearer can save them then simply saying his name will be enough to get out of any situation involving drunk, aggressive geordies. Trust me. It works.
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In Morrison's I found a potato that looked very much like Iain Dowie. Then I freaked meself out, 'cos on closer inspection they ALL looked like Iain Dowie.
Pure quality. Also liked the part about Ronaldo. Not much else. Robbo's a bit like Boro really: a couple of moments of brilliance* but other than that average.
*refering to their 2-0 win over Liverpool. And Tuncay. He's awesome.
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Robbo,
Great Blog....it had me in stitches [and this is coming from one of your fiercest critics on here]....
My best bit...."Chelsea level. Anelka scores. News reaches the Ronaldo household and Cristiano starts the car - he's got an hour and a half to get to Hull from Cheshire to save the golden boot"...I can imagine C7 feeling extremely distraught over it..
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Robbo I was with you all the way in dreamland, then the birds pecked the ball. Did you know for a goal to stand the must be completely inflated? I'm afraid the goal would be ruled out. I suspect the peno retaken and another twist to the tale.....
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Funny as f**.k Robbo but yeah in all seriousness it's gonna stay the same in the bottom, shame about Boro but it's def time the deluded Geordies go down and get a taste of reality. They may even bounce back stronger...then again they could do a Leeds :)
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#54
Fair Xavier but I doubt there'd be much hope of a referee (a) knowing that fact and (b) enforcing that law and waving the sainted Shearer down from the sky in order to tell him to re-take the pen.
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Surely Newcastle are too Big a club to go down?!?!?! LOL
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and Robbo, I hope you get a Golden Ticket for a visit to Willie Wonker's brewery where the best blogger shall inherit enough product to see him through an entire Championship season.
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One has to worry with "Potato-Head" on the sidelines.
Part of a season with Palace, relegated, part of a season with Charlton, relegated, part of a season with Coventry, underperformed, part of a season with QPR, underperformed, and now for his next disappearing trick, Newcastle.
Even Superhero has got a lot to do to counteract that sort of record.
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The Premiership will be easier to watch on TV if we don't have to turn down the contrast every time the orange man Phil Brown appears. I can't believe Hull allow him to moonlight for a call-centre during a match either. For those reason only I hope Hull go down.
Newcastle haven't looked like winning a match all season, it's a miracle they have. They will join Hull with Boro spanking the Hammers.
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Gor blimey, Robbo, yer reckon vem 'Ammers'll do yer a favour? Dan't fink sah, meself. They cud jus' put Green aht on 'is todd n' 'ed keep it ta niw niw.
Outdone yourself on this one - wickedly funny. Looming relegation has obviously tickled the funny parts other blogs cannot reach.
Hull get a draw, the Toon get a flukey win, Sunderland get stomped on...and join Boro through that oh-so expensive trap-door to oblivion.
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Absolutely classic. Great reading. Robbo, I think of all the three trying to beat relegation (I think sunderland are safe) Boro could do it. Irrelevant of form of course. Manu thrash Hull, which could happen. The barcodes will lose against Villa, Villa get 5th due to an Everton draw. Sunderland get beat by Chelski and some miracle Boro manage the 1-nil away win at West ham.
Realistically I don't think any of the bottom five could manage a win except West Brom.
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How's this one for heartache?
Hull 1 Man Utd 2
Aston Villa 1 Newcastle 1
West Ham 0 Boro 10
(Boro gets Top 4 extra time)
And Boro still gets relegated.
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Hull might lose tommorow against the Man U reserves I think. They just don't look like winning a game. The only good news for them- and Sunderland- is that Middlesbrough and Newcastle really don't look like winning a game either. Newcastle maybe more of a chance, but certainly not Boro- and now Stewart Downing's injured, their chances are zilch.
Humourous read, by the way. LOL
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Funnily enough, the most ridicolous thing in what you just said is that middlesborough score three goals in one game, there is a better chance for a unicorn to walk on to the field at the riverside and poke southgate in his bottom.
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Yeah Rafa the best team didn't win the league, but they didn't loose to boro either .hahahahahaa
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Jaysus Robbo, This blog was quality. It seriously had me ROFL especially the bits about Drogba and Dowie.
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"Chelsea level. Anelka scores. News reaches the Ronaldo household and Cristiano starts the car - he's got an hour and a half to get to Hull from Cheshire to save the golden boot."
Hilarious stuff Robbo. I reckon Ronnie would jump straight onto the pitch without even asking Fergie if he could have a run.
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Quality as always Robbo, although you have sent a black cat on the line to head it clear!
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Robbo, you are priceless! How about this?
Anelka scores at the Stadium of Light and Ronaldo goes berserk on the Bench. He struggles violently to get onto the pitch. Mike Phelan and his crew try to hold him back but dont make much headway. Finally, Fergie gets into the mix and clutches desperately at Ronnies legs as he almost gets to the touchline. Fergie screams for more hands and chokes on his gum. Finally, Vidic locks an arm across Ronnie's neck and they drag him screaming back to the dug-out
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This is hilarious.
You forgot someone committing some offense against Phil Brown. I know . . . someone pisses on him.
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A marvellous blog, Robbo. Nothing so became you in this season of content and discontent as your leaving of it. (I hope that bit of the Scotch play wasn't too sophisticated for you.)
And you leave our Ozzie clogger alone, will ya! He too can be quite sophisticated at times.
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Classic Robbo! Unlike some of the other erm', 'serious' bloggers these articles are both funny AND pertinent. Plus the bunch of overpaid, over hyped, over rated bunch that are EPL players and clubs don't get any of the proverbial kissing from Robbo!
The comment about Drogba was spot on, although you feel that Droggers is hardly alone in his actions. None of the Big Four, and many outside it, can claim to have 'spotless' records when it comes to blatant diving and play acting.
On the final day, sadly, I too think the barcodes will survive. Of the games an out of form Villa is surely the game any of them would want, and despite speculation, I doubt Utd will be THAT weak. Let's face it, Hull couldn't beat Utd's genuine youth side on current form....... No offence Geordie lads (and lasses), but the mess that Newcastle are in needs something to shake them up - and give some of the fans a reality check. Here's a heads up, a club stature is down to what it's currently doing, not what it did fifty or sixty years ago, or how many bums on seats it has. Chelsea ARE a big club today, Newcastle, trophyless since 1969, are not.
As for Boro it will take some freakish results for them to survive so I Can understand the great man's pessimism!
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fathomer i feel that you are confusing 'big club' with 'succesful club'. There is a difference. As for you Robbo, classic!!!
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Best of the season, I just hope them barcode shirts hold a lot of tears. Wouldnt want St James flooding.
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adamtoon82 (Post 75)
It is not us who confuse "big club" with "successful club" but your lot who were constantly implying that big meant successful and sacking your managers when it didn't. It is only now when so many people have laughed at the "big" tag, knowing full well that big does mean winning things, including a fair share of games, that apologists like you try to distinguish and distance big from successful.
And if you still think come Monday 4 am (Oz time)that yours is a big club, ask yourself can you name any "big" clubs who have played in the Championship in the last ten years? Unless you think Newcastle can become the next Leeds.
People in Oz are generally easy going where other peoples' teams are concerned but I for one am prepared to make an exception having seen how venomous some of your supporters have been towards their managers this season. And let's face it,everyone enjoys bar code supporters distraught, head in hands and tears flowing. People somehow feel the justice of it.
Sorry if you are one of the civilised Newcs supporters. It is your mates who have given you such a bad name.
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Hey Molend - re comment 11
Berwick's ground may be in the North East but last time I looked they played in Div 3 of SFL !! You might as well claim Gretna as a North East team - they did play in the Northern League - and FA Cup - some years back.
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GREAT STUFF from Robbo again!
"Hull are behind! A wonderful finish by Man U's latest find, a toddler from a Madeiran hamlet called Ronaldinhoinho taps home from a Macheda cross."
Quality stuff...
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The bit about Drogba rolling in agony during warm up then getting up to take the kick off is my pick of the season. Pity about boro though. We at the emirates have always seen you guys as a convenient way of releasing dead wood. Wonder who will do that for us now. . .
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Robbo!
What do Middlesbrough FC and Roy Chubby Brown both have in common?
Both will be performing in Blackpool next year!
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GREAT blog robbo, as usual, but boro's going down! lol i think the toons are staying up, with th patato cartoon. its either sunderland or hull going down with middlesbrough.
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and guess what else happens, brown gets pissed and gives his players a half-time talk, ON THE PITCH.. lol
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Great Blog Robbo.
The drogba warm up is a classic masterpiece.
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Comparing Iain Dowie to a potato... pure genius! Definately in my top 5 Robbo laughs along with you're prediction of Scolari's team talk when meeting Chelski players
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Serene Prose. This man surely deserves a tilt with the TMS guys. Oscar at least for the Screenplay, surely Robbo's Given Sunday would walk it at the Academy.
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Poor old Robbo - Like the 'Boro team page on 606, I presume Robbo's blog also disappears along with it when they are relegated ?
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Adamtoon82, although someone else has responded, and I agree with them, I have to comment there.
By 'big club' what do you mean if not a 'successful' club? Sunderland get pretty impressive support (given the number of years without success!) yet I doubt too many Geordies would call Sunderland a 'big club'. Well, without a 44 magnum held to their head anyway...... ;)
As Rangers and Celtic may soon be discovering, being called 'big' because you have 'huge support' and 'being big', as they become two average fish in a much stronger pond, are entirely different things.
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"lucky pants blown off the line" hahahaa
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mags = not a big club, not a successful club, could do with being relegated
same with the smogs and us really
it'll be as you are tomorrow evening. noone in the bottom 5 is winning
quality blog robbo, hope you keep it up next season
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Sad to see you go Robbo. I think the Boro are the equivalent of Charlton a few years ago. Just hope the analogy doesn't continue.
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great blog robbo dowie and the spuds lol sorry to see boro go
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