The Gospel According To St James Park (Pt III)
Crikey! Shearer's coming. Never mind the police presence for the G20 summit, they're going to need the entire Tyneside constabulary to keep order up in Newcastle now!
I wasn't immediately convinced - it was April 1 remember! But I knew it was coming. Have I not before received secret sacred texts on the subject of the Hallowed Gallowgate? Well here's the latest chunk from the Gospel According to St James.
"For where once a Shepherd led them, who was begat by Hall, now all was bleak, and Gallows humour did descend upon the Gate of Gallow and the faithful army of Toon did from their terraces traipse like men marching toward their own demise.
And the Lard Ashley, much fraught by false idols and the turning over of tables in the temples of International Trading, did look uponst his lowly flock (many of whom didst not now give a flock) and gravely did he stroke his 30 chins. And thus did he speak unto the Wise Man:
"Hath I not brought them great riches? Hath I not gifted them the Keegan and the Owen, the Butt and the Duff?"
"Aye, but they are all a bit duff. And truly, Lard, 'tis easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a roly-poly Cockney to win over the hearts of the Baa-baa Codes."
"Really, good Dennis?"
"Aye, for I'm not Jokin' 'Ere!"
"Peace be with him. But might I be ForGiven?"
"Perhaps - but then you floggeth him to Man City!"
"O-Ba-Femi's Sake!" cried the ailing Lard, and not one Geordie voice was raised in tribute, for hope was gone, and he didst ponder those that trod this road before him (without, it should be emphasised, ever winning bog-all either.)
And then he turned once more from the Shadow of the Valley of Debt.
For still one Saviour had not answered the call. He whose cupboard would groan to the weight of silverware were it not for the fact that a Geordie's roots are never severed. He whose cuffs and collars match not his shirts but woe betide the man that doth liken his fashion sense to Alex Higgins circa 1982. He who doth in voice and gesture contain all the charisma of a speak-your-weight machine.
And lo it did come to pass (and twas the first decent pass St James's had seen for about six months) that he that didst lie with the Lawro and the Hansen upon the Couch of Comfy Punditry, didst from his cushions rise. Aloft held he a goalscorer's arm and uponst the banks of the Tyne did gather the flock. For who better to tidy up the tatty sheep of Tyneside than he that is called Shearer. (Or if we return to his days of yore upon the battlefield - he that is called SHHHEEEEEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRR-EERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!)
And lo, didst he find the Owen and say unto him "Pick up thy physio's couch and walk" and Michael did so, and joy unconfined his knees held out for eight games (and still Capello went for James Beattie in his stead). And upon the Viduka did he place his healing hands and lo he was thin and lean and pacy.
And to the Duff did he go. And he didst say unto the Duff "Art thou a man or art thou Morten Gamst Pedersen?" and - oh grateful star - thus shamed, the lad stayed on his feet for a change.
And unto the Barton did he go, and forgave him his sins until the end of the season when he was sold to the False Prophet and saviour of prodigals Big Sam for an absolute snip.
And to the many mysterious beasts of the barcode, the Bassong and the Beye, the flailing Coloccini and the elusive Cacapa he didst have words of praise and succour.
And the Wise Man did jest: "Up here, there's a succour born ever minute!" And to the Wise Man did Shearer turn and thus he spake: "How, man, pack ya bags, bonny lad, we div'n need your sort round here, like."
And lo didst he say to his strikers: "Hast thou put nothing into the net? Then cast thy balls on the other side!" and hallelujah, the onion bags did bulge aplenty.
And the Army of Toon did rejoice, for the Shearer had changed their whines into slaughter.
But still the flock sat unsatisfied. "Though three points you have gleaned, oh Greatest Ever Geordie, yet how shall we survive on a mere 32 points? Even the Mackems have more!"
"Take of them points and break them amongst yourselves and lo, see how many they maketh compared to the Baggies and the Boro, who even poorer than us are."
But the crowd spoke once more.
"How canst we be sure of you, oh Chief Magpie - when so many have come and gone before you, 'tis less of a manager's seat and more of a public convenience with a revolving door uponst it?"
The Shearer raised up his single arm. "Nay, fear ye not. Though it appears we are between a Northern Rock and a Hard Place [the Championship] I shall within the year take you all towards the distant shores of the Europa!"
"How shall we get there?"
And spake the Shearer: "I shall walk. You lot take the ferry."
And so didst he finish his press conference thus: "Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is a good first eleven. Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall not be stroppy just cos the ref doesn't give them a pen. Blessed are the bleak: for they shall not inhibit their girth.
"Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall keep supporting a local club regardless of its cost to their souls. Blessed are the p***takers: for they shall be called the Army of Toon.
"Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for Newcastle's sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in a few years time - if the board don't get all itchy-footed and sack us after six matches. Ah, man!"
Let us pray.
I'm Derek Robson. People call me Robbo. Legend has it I was raised in the furnace and smog of Teesside. Some might say I took the hard road. I like to tell folk I had trials for Middlesbrough, for Hartlepool and for burglary (not guilty). I've always loved sport. My job is to say it as I see it - whether it's in the bar of the Blue Bell or on this blog. You won't find me calling a spade a soil-redistribution implement.
© MMIX~RS~q~RS~~RS~z~RS~47~RS~)
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Brilliant Robbo,
I take you are a regular in the congregation down at St Coals and Soot are you? You must have had a lot of research to do otherwise.
Very funny - the trials and tribulations at the Toon make my life bearable.
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That is one of your best and funniest blogs yet!
Your just jealous that we have some belief of surviving!
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Superb Robbo. Me and every Mackem are watching events up the road with more than a passing interest!
Praise Be!
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Typical!! 4 weeks before the Boro play probably one of their most important "almost-a-derby" games, the Toons get the 1st coming of the 2nd Messiah.
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Very Funny Robbo
If Newcastle survive and Shearer stays look out for them next season
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As a good Tottenham boy I was very grateful for Newcastle being even more shambolic that us and taking off the media spotlight. If this blog doesn't give the bar-codes a lift then nothing will!!
It's absolutely brilliant.
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May the Lord bless unto us this meditation on His Holy Word, and to His Name be glory and praise.
10 out of 10.
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Absolutley great Robbo had me rolling around in stitches. Owen to do a tevez and keep the toon up with some terrific displays, and andy cole will still be asked to come out of retirment before the italian calls him back to the England set up.
Just one question and one question only for you though Robbo, how hard was it to write a blog and not mention your beloved downing?
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Your Toon Gospel posts are your funniest ever Robbo. I like most of your blogs - but these three are the funniest.....
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Robbo is truly the messiah - I should know I've followed a few.
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Very Funny blog Robbo,
I personally dont think shearer will make much of a difference and I think and hope Newcastle will be in the bottom 3 at the end of the season!!
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Being a laughing stock of a club is bearable after reading this Robbo! At least we'll always provide plenty of material!
SHEARER!!
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And the Lord said “Get ye behind me mackams and smoggies, as you will inherit the usual minor places” , “Relegation is the place of the last promoted and so it shall be” Blessed are the Pi**takers as they know no better”
Once again we shall rise from the ashes the seas will part. We will rid our lands of the unwashed southerners and may the curse of verbal dribble stay with you.
Shearer Verse 10:4
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Impressed Robbo.
High praise Indeed.
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another great example of the comedy newcastle utd give to the premier league.
to the FA: don't let them get relegated! they bring much needed humour and delight to all other football fans across the country!
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Great blog, fun to read.
I'm hopeful for us now after feeling negative for the last few weeks, but am I the only person who realises that Guttierez simply isn't EPL standard?
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You can almost hear the "We're going to be pushing for the Champion's League next season" posts being typed now, despite the fact that even if they did stay up Ashley isn't going to invest any more cash.
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Brillant Blog one of the funneist I've seen in ages. while Blessed art tho Shearer, me thinks the Toon may still be dammed
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Well it's always dull during the international break. I reckon the next time Newcastle see the word Champion it will closely followed by a Ship. Big Al to go the way of Little Paul and Angry Roy. 3 wise men my arce
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Absolutely first class!!
Even if you did get a bit Yoda on us at one stage..
"see how many they maketh compared to the Baggies and the Boro, who even poorer than us are."
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Actually that is well Yoda. Good point. Verb at the end of the sentence have I put.
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Qulity stuff as ever Robbo, and no one critising this blog for not being insightful (yet)?? (Gaz Utd, where art thou, haha) To little too late in all seriousness for the barcodes... And for a man with the isparational qualities of a rich tea biscuit, legend or not, its gonna be a miracle needed.
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HAHAHA! One of your very best Robbo! although... "And upon the Viduka did he place his healing hands and lo he was thin and lean and pacy."
....Let's try to keep one foot in reality, yeah?
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Absolutely brilliant... however, me thinks there could have been a "Shearer wept".
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Blimey Robbo, how long did this take or did you already have it written as it was bound to happen, that was quality!
"Peace be with him. But might I be ForGiven?"
"Perhaps - but then you floggeth him to Man City!"
Good one!!
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BRILLIANT ROBBO, BRILLIANT STUFF !!!
ABSOLUTE GENIUS?!
Loved It?!
Very Good, Very Funny
Had me in stiches?!
I take My Hat off to You, as you have exceeded expectations?!
BRAVO !!!
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Good one Robbo - I've not been your greatest fan to date, but this is your best yet!
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I don't know who spiked Robbo's drink, but fantastic stuff.
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10. At 11:37am on 02 Apr 2009, dostioffski wrote:
Robbo is truly the messiah - I should know I've followed a few.
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Funniest comment ever to appear on a blog. Always good to see a Monty Pythons fan every now and then.
Robbo mate, I think I love you.
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Simply the best blog post I have ever read...
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ALL POSITIVE COMMENTS AND NO WONDER...QUALITY ARTICLE!!!!!!!!!!!
NEWCASTLE ARE THE LAUGHING STOCK OF THE EPL :)
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how funny is this, brilliant.
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Brilliant Robbo, all that Sunday school paid off.
Up or down, they'll have to hope he can change water into brown ale.
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Blessed be the wise-man Robbo!!the other Wiseman has been put hopefully on a milk train to the smog-not Middlebrough,where he comes from!the true smog.!!excellent blog Robbo-probably no.1 of what I´ve ever read,but then I´m an old Gallowgate lad!this must have taken a bit longer to write than suppin a pint at The Blue Bell?if The Legend keeps us up,farewell The Angel of the North-hello Alan Shearer The Saviour of the North,only twice as high!!I don´t think they´ll tear down Grey´s monument!!as a true Geordie lad,I live in hope.
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excellent Robbo - very clever! HAHAHA
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I think that could have done with being half the length. Good idea, but too long...
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Fantastic Robbo.
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Hate to spoil the fun (of which there is more than enough in this very clever blog), while raising the ire of those of a more religiously-devout disposition than I possess, but surely it is obvious to all that such miracle-performing saviours eventually get crucified. Moreover, it's an integral part of the deal, right?
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Blessed art thou amongst bloggers - one of your finest, take a bow.
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I am *very* slow...watching the lunchtime news it only just dawned on me that the only thing Newcastle fans can ever celebrate is the arrival of yet another false god. The way some of them were dancing with uncontained joy you would think they had won the doadecahedrontuple...actually it was some guy from B'n'Q delivering a plank of wood but hey, what is the difference?
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...too bloody long - found myself skimming after awhile.
no need to go through the entire squad with the nameplay - less is more, mate!
"I shall walk - you lot take the ferry" - that was good, though.
...and if He ignoreth the first and only negative post, then you shall knoweth of the great conspiracy against those outside the ancient Blog frat.
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You killed me robbo.just showed it to about fifteen friends at university and they all died.this is magic robbo.truely inspired.best work ever from a true south african fan who loves your work.best of luck for the boro
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And blessed is Robbo, for he maketh the masses laugh!
One of the best pieces of writing in Football ever. Once I had recovered my composure fearing a sacking from me job, I am trying to figure out who out of Rowan Atkinson or John Cleese should read it out.
Surely Robbo had been working on this since Keegan left.
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I love it Robbo! Love it!
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I do genuinely find it funny, but... i know an awful lot of people who would be really upset by this weeks blog. (me? i laugh at old people falling down, so i'm not the best judge on good taste)
You seem very happy to parody the bible, safe in the knowledge that UK Christians are hardly likely to take pot shots at you, whereas parodying the Koran, for instance, would undoubtably have resulted in a Fatwa against you... Don't think for one minute that "'cos it's funny" and no-one complained last time, it's not offensive to people. the mere fact that 40 or so football supporters agree with you, doesn't make it right on any level.
The very fact that you have parodied The Bible AGAIN, shows that you are taking the easy route, and as such what you are doing is picking on one religion... that, my friend is known as religious discrimination; something your BBC paymasters will no doubt be interested to follow up!
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#45 that has to be one of the stupidest and most sensitive comments I have ever seen on a blog. Robbo was not poking fun at the Bible, he just wanted to make the story of the laughable position that Newcastle are in more interesting, which he did. No religious nut is going to come on here and complain about it, so leave it alone.
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Surely it's a good sign that Christian folk aren't lighting torches and brandishing them at my door. Besides which, the whole point is that the Geordies hail a new Saviour every five months or so, hence using the Bible as 'source material'. It's not the easy route either, it takes blinking ages.
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ZeusFC, as a follower of the ancient greek gods, i take great offence in your name. As he presides over the Greek Olympian pantheon you can imagine old Zeus is a pretty big player in our religion... yeah were not as popular as we used to be, but were still a religion, and you shouldn't be taking us so lightly with your whimsical and distateful name! Get over yourself...
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ZEUSfC.
While I'm on me high horse, in what sense can this parody be said to be disrespecting the religion? Just cos I use words from the Bible doesn't mean I'm taking the mick out of the sentiments - just the Geordies.
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no mention of the "big four"? i'm appalled and delighted.
nice work Robbo.
I pity Shearer in advance for next season's misery. That said, at least he has an easy act or 10 to follow. All the best to him.
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Actually ZeusFC I refer you to #48.
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Your best ever Robbo, real laugh out loud material.
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Absolute blasphemous tosh Robbo! I'm going to print it off and keep it just to remind me what nonsense you write!
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I'M SHEARER !!!
AND SO'S MY WIFE !!
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And Lowe It is a wise man who follows the star up north where it is brighter, than return to the playing fields of his youth which are about to be laid fallow. It matters not for neither St James nor St Mary will survive the fall from grace and will be cast down deep into the 2nd and 3rd circles of hell other wise known as the championship and division one respectively.
What I want to know is does big Al have all the relevant EUFA required qualifications to be a premiership coach and if so when did he get them as he hasnt been seen to be doing them with any club.?
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Don't name your stadium after a saint, eh? Oops more blasphemy, I'll be ducking bolts of lightning for the next few weeks.
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***** Five Stars, Robbo! Excellent!
May we all be saved from the the "Shadow of the Valley of Debt" in times to come. Ah, Man!
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oh, i get it... a bit of reasonable criticism and Robbo goes silent, but he's quick to reply (over and over again) to the ridiculous and sensational!
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Funny blog, again.
But in all seriousness, I cannot for the life of me see where Shearer can make a difference.
Most of the team have given up , most of them gave up when the saviour beefore last left in all fairness, the mighty KK, and whilst Sheareres name invokes feelings of triumph and pride to the locals, I'm not so sure the lads from Brazil, Argentina and Nigeria are under the same spell.
Most of their agents will already have lined up moves for next year, indeed, this very site was virtually ordering Owen to find a better club to play for next year to give him a chance of an England recall only last weekend, so I guess they dont much care what happens now.
Still, at least Shearer has Joey Barton for company, they both like to throw the odd elbow around where its not wanted.
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This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.
Inspired.
Thou art the chosen one. For I spaketh in similar tones yesterday and lo, I was bequeathed to pre-mod for taking of the yellow watery stuff.
:)
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54. At 4:00pm on 02 Apr 2009, CAPTAIN-PARMO wrote:
I'M SHEARER !!!
AND SO'S MY WIFE !!
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60. At 4:29pm on 02 Apr 2009, blobbing02 wrote:
He's not the Messiah...he's a very naughty boy!
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Another life of brian reference...
I think I just ejaculated a little...
I love this
And ZeusFC, go home son. The UK, like most of the western world, support freedom of speech...
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'Ey up, Denis the Genius. I thought your original comment - summat about me going on a bit too long, didn't require a response as it was taken as a reasonable opinion rather than summat that got me dander up. That being said, I thought, as has been said about me before, that its length was its strength.
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Its just a shame that Shearer doesnt stand a chance. As people have already mentioned, the Geordies love him, but the Argies and Nigerians among Newcastles ranks are already looking for ways out. The majority of the players have already given up, its gunna be easier for them to find new clubs if Newcastle get relegated. Most of their squad would walk into any other premiership club (not counting the big four) without a problem. I'd have S.Taylor and Martins at City any day...
However, I cant see Newcastle disappearing in the same way that Charlton, Leeds, Leicester, Forest and Wednesday did. They'll spend one season in the championship, go straight back up and pull a Wigan on everyone...just you watch.
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I can't wait for them to fail to make a go of this season and go down? Will She-Ra get the blame? I doubt it but I do hope they get relegated and some of the shine comes off the Princess of Powers reputation up here, the Toon Army could do with a little perspective.
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I believe Shearer's appointment is spot-on for the Barcodes. There's no guarantee they won't go down but Shearer will give them a morale-boosting clip (boom boom!) round the ear and herd them (of dear!) into shape. They have some decent players but let their heads drop too easily (against Arsenal was a fine example).
One the one hand, I'm quite enjoying their comeuppence (is that how you spell it?) as the "we're a massive club and deserve a place amongst the elite" is rather grating; on the other, they certainly make the Prem more interesting/amusing for the rest of us.
I think they'll pull clear, but as for Middlesboro...hmm, not so sure.
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Re #45. I don't think it's a Fatwa that Robbo should worry about - perhaps a Fatwhan - i.e. Lard Ashley might be more of a threat? But if Toon are saved, then verily they should kill the fatted calf (or both that belong to Viduka) and Shearer shall proclaim "Pass me the water and I shall turn it into wine" and the Toon Army shall respond "Oh, Newcastle, club of the Mess Hire, we have passed the water and verily it is the colour of wine. Hawa, man, put a tenner in the kitty like everybody else". And thus was the Messiah who is Shearer greatly offended and so was he cast aside into the pit of vipers that is inhabited by false gods and fallen idols who flood forth from St James. Forever and ever - Ah, man.
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Funniest blog i've read to date! Only problem is that it doesn't really offend any team and everyone seems to like so theres none of the usual arguments on here!
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...and i sing: "Oh, Blessed Day! i've finally gotten the great Robbinho to turn his glance my way"
ya see? that wasn't so hard - and out of it came one of your funniest pieces of self-deprication in weeks:
"That being said, I thought, as has been said about me before, that its length was its strength."
at least, i'd like to think it was tongue-in-cheek. in any case, just glad to spur(antagonise) you on to greatness again!
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In the absolute sense it is blasphemous but the Lord forgive us both Robbo as it is really hilarious! As a Man Utd fan from distant shores I would be sad to see a club like Newcastle go down. I really hope they stay up. That said, no club has a divine right to be in the Prem and Newcastle just have to do the business. They MAJOR positive is that they are not relegated yet. It is still in their hands! Also, miracles do happen, believe it or not.
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This is all very interesting but who fancies a fight?
http://donwendy.mybrute.com
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great blog robbo.. really enjoyed it.
im a geordie btw. and just in case your thinking
"praise from a geordie, whatever next?"
we've got a mobile swimming pool coming on at half time on saturday, coz shearer's going to, you know...
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Absolutely amazing! Not the blog - even more brilliant than usual as most others have already said - but the fact that some (A few thank God!) people out there have actually managed to come up with such stupid comments. I would like to be kind and use the words 'barmy', 'daft' or 'ill informed' but stupid just about sums them up best.
Too long? Yeah, so is the ceiling in the Sistine Chapel.
Anti-Christian? Attendences would be up in the churches if the sermons in there were one-tenth as amusing, as contemporary and as well crafted.
Why not have a go at Islam instead someone asked? Well, assuming Robbo was brought up in the UK and has been influenced by the prevalent religion in this part of the world (As most of the readers have as well) then it makes sense that he would use local references. Is anyone seriously suggesting that a blog done this way based on the Koran, the Hadith and maybe even Sharia Law would be either (a) amusing or (b) even vaguely understandable? I am surprised there was no criticism that it was not written in Arabic to boot. Honestly - get a life and grow up!
Robbo, do not worry about the lightning bolts - they are the domain of Zeus (The mythical God and not the blogger above) and not the Christian God or religion you never offended. I do not know how long it took you to write this blog but it was worth every tax-payer's penny.
You are not going to be able to keep up this standard though! A bit like Boro? Sorry, but it is looking bad for you. Hope you stay up just to annoy all of those negative people who accuse you of bias every week.
Cheers, Joe.
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Toons will always be the laughable stock. Even if Brian Clough rises from the grave to coach them, they will still be going down!
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Yess finally all you daft geordies have hope and where from???
Ahh a man who has never managed before!! yes i see the sense:S
No neither does anyone else who isn't living in coo coo land!!(a.k.a tyneside)
They say there is something in the air on teesside well god knows what you smoke on tyneside but i think you neeed to get off it!!
1st messiah keegan:
Your club ruin this one for you but dont worry 2nd messiah:
The striker who never managed before, yes boro may well be in trouble but hey at least were not from newcastle!
Great blog robbo probs the best ive read from you!!
Makes me proud to say i go to the blue bell
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And lo, did he take them down to the championship, and still be lauded by the masses, and then he walked away {with 1 million pieces of silver} passing by the by-passed one to return to the monotone throne of match of the day, where he would speak of what went wrong that was not his making or doing, and hinted that maybe he would one day like to return but only if they were top of the prem by 10 points with only one game left to play, for the messiahs real name is not Alan, tis Brian; and he is a very naughty {and also quite boring} boy.
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Excellent Blog. I had been disappointed lately but this one makes up for all of them and teaches all other BBC "pundits" (with the possible exception of Tim Vickery) what a really good blog is about.
Shearer should get Asprilla to be his assistant coach!
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Well, I laughed
@73 argued the point about over-sensitivity well - I refer you to him
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Robbo! You've done it again! This is brilliant. Genius. A tour de force performance. Robert E. Howard wouldn't have done much better.I guess we had it coming. Your blogs these days are something else. You sure don't allow your critics get to you. This was pure class. As you can see, it got most people gushing. A few of my friends and colleagues here in Nigeria read your blogs religiously and after the day's business gather to roar over our favourite lines and 'robbomenclature': the gelled tumbler, Hassungotta Kalou, Ballackdaisical..."O-Ba-Femi's Sake!"! After reading your latest laugh-a-thon, I quickly sent a text to all my friends to declare:Robbo has gone nuclear!Do keep up the good work. Some predictions in the second installment proved uncanny, too.
If you ever come to Nigeria, do let me know so I can invite you to visit a little shrine erected in a little part of our office dedicated to print-outs of your blogs and all things Robbo.
All hail the Mighty Derekson...Robbo of the Boro...
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Yawn yawn yawn...
Robbo you are boring with this gospel schtick...please...I am getting tired of your ridiculous writing...and you and your Big Bell bar lingo is tiresome...and stop poking fun at others...you are just a sour grapes guy, who should focus on something more than just money, status, class, etc. How typically English...
Abolish the Monarchy! And then you will have more justice in this class-ridden nation...How can you be a law-abiding nation and believe in Christ if you believe than not all people are created equal...Some are born in a monarchy above all people in the nation...and a useless, powerless monarchy to boot...
Abolish the monarchy, and let the overbearing ghost of the Industrial Revolution and its enduring class legacy end...
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Blessed r thou, Robbo, 4 tis brilliant piece maketh me lay down ma beach and laugh ti rest of ma days out...!! Dying 2 meet u Robbo!
Salute from The South Pacific.
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Absolutely brilliant, made my day!
H'way the Toon!
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incredible... it's okay to parody christian zealots, as long as you make it so convincing that people actually believe you are one! think warren mitchell being branded a racist, and you might just get the level we're on here!
surprising to find so many people willing to admit they don't actually understand the concept; i would have thought the "taste" bit would have given it away!
zeus is my dog, and zeusfc was "his" fantasy football team in the local pub, which we entered after the landlord banned him for sitting under the table and barking at another dog that was wrecking the place "he" won two years in a row
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Incredible list of events at SJP. NUFC have far exceeded the madness of my beloved Man City this season and I would be happy to hand over the "cup for cock ups" to Mr Ashley. This prized trophy has been in our possession for the last 30 years or so (in fact, it's the only one we've had in that time). Getting rid of this should take away a big burden. I just hope it never comes back.
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And spake the Shearer: "I shall walk. You lot take the ferry."
Got in trouble there for laughing out loud in a very quiet office!!
Genius!!
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CTID_Stuttgart.
Lol, is nice to get rid of that title. Will be even better if we replace it with a UEFA title
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Absolutely great!! Robbo you're the best. You're a hero!!!
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I wish to make a complaint about this so called blog as I didn’t find it funny at all. It made fun of Christian religious texts; it lampooned unfairly people of Newcastle and people whom are Newcastle United supporters. I find the religious and ethnic jibes derogatory and blatant tones of discrimination made by this blog not funny in the least. It is in fact an infringement of human rights. I demand an apology from the BBC.
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Usually I find one brilliant line in Robbo's blogs but this time I can't because they're all brilliant, looking forward to part IV.
Oh what the heck :- And spake the Shearer: "I shall walk. You lot take the ferry."
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ZeusFC
So you're so damn blasphemous that your DOG is named after the King of the Greek Gods. I mean I know the lad Zeus took animal form from time to time but to assume that your mutt is one such is down right sacrilege. Apollo'll be down in a jiffy to take that dog out.
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To #88. I can't really apologise, mate, although I'm sorry if you felt offended. Not sure how I've infringed your human rights though, mate. At least I didn't hammer on your door and thrust the blog into your hands like many do. Mind you, that Charles Darwin's got a bleeding nerve, hasn't he?
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Brilliant as always Robbo.
Two things though.
1. Looking at all the posters who have replied, isn't it interesting that the usual glory supporter rubbishers of your blog have not bothered to post (even a compliment) because you have not had a dig at their "hallowed" team or players. Shallow or what!
2. (The Complaint) I came on this site ready for your Friday Blog and blow me if you haven't gone and done it a day early. Please stick to your usual timetable. I expect to see Monday's without fail!
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Very good blog.
Anyone else noticed that the writer has changed recently? Completely different writing style.
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Good one Robbo....but ur article has a strong stench of insecurity that newcastle will stay and boro will go down...
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@93: You could be right this one seemed a lot more "Bibley" than usual...
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Ummmmm.. Not realy sure about this one, had some funny parts but. Its more of a slur on my own knowledge of religion that i didnt realy appreciate this as much as i should have. I found myself reading a couple of lines twice. Dont get me wrong, this was obviously a very intelligent and well researched article (Research being something i have noticed Robbo gets accused of lacking) but i suppose it was wasted on some people who do not fluently understand religious / ancient lingo.
But as allways with your Blogs, i can still have a laugh reading the comments. Oha nd why was Post #60 Referred to moderators?? Was only a highly ammusing Life of Brian quote.
Anyway peace and love
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#93
It's still me son but as I was parodying the Bible it's bound to have a different style. Sigh. Unless you were being very subtly ironic. Which won't work with me.
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Robbo, just so you know pal, your sources are letting you down and making you look like a clown....again! Ashley didn't bring Owen, Duff or Butt to Newcastle. That was Shepard's handy work.
Ya worth every penny mate ha ha
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He's not a Messiah...he's a very naughty boy!
:-)
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Very funny. Unfortunately, 'uponst' is not correct for the register. e.g. 'did look uponst his lowly flock' should be 'didst look upon his lowly flock'.
But I forgive you for 'all the charm and charisma of a speak-your-weight machine'. Classic!
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oh no, Shearer, his sheep and now Shepherd gets a mention, somebody's pulling the wool again.....
Re Life Of Brian
Steven Taylor's been "throwing himself to the floor" all season too,
can only hope NewcastAL does make a Biggus Dickus of it
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Inspired stuff (as usual)
"changed their whines into slaughter" - marvellous:)
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#84
still a long way to go before you lose that trophy my friend, but probably best not to bring up trophies at this time....
PS excellent blog Robbo, we wern't offended in the least
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ZeusFC - If you are going to pull someone up on who they are offending, do your homework. Parodying Jesus could be interpreted as an insult to Muslims as well as Christians, as in the Koran he is a prophet, not 'the' prophet obviously, that's Muhammad, but still a pretty important figure.
#73 - I thought the whole point of attending church services was because of a belief in God, not how well the vicar delivers a sermon. Just one question, when was the last time you were in church? Don't be put off by a poor sermon, try talking to other christians and find somewhere with a vicar that suits your style.
I am Christian and I'm also disappointed at how generally accepted it seems to be in the UK to poke fun at Christianity, where caution might be considered before doing the same to another religion.
That said I also found it very funny, and tried in vain to stiffle laughter in a quiet office when I first read it yesterday, and again today with the Monty Python quotes. Pure quality! I guess if Zeus is right, I could be in line for a lightening bolt too!!
Was I dreaming or didn't your prediction (a few months ago) of Shearer coming back to St James Park include Mark Knopfler, Ant & Dec?
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Some people need to lighten up. Great blog Robbo, looking forward to "The Gospel According to St. James (part IV)". How long do you think will it take before Shearer quits/gets fired, 9-11 months?
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a nice change to the normal boring blogs on BBC so well done robbo
Zeus cant see many people being too offended by this at all mind,
had the blog been aimed at taking the mickey out of liverpool or Man Utd on the otherhand there may well have been hell on!
Howay the lads.
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Fantastic Robbo - if the journalism industry has any awards for blogging, this should at the very least make the shortlist.
So many laugh-out-loud moments, but possibly the funniest, for me, was:
"And the Lard Ashley, much fraught by false idols and the turning over of tables in the temples of International Trading, did look uponst his lowly flock (many of whom didst not now give a flock) and gravely did he stroke his 30 chins."
Okay, so Newcastle have been a veritable goldmine of footballing humour for a while now, but this is possibly the funniest article I've ever seen about any football club (even after all the Man U, Chelsea, Liverpool and Arsenal articles).
Hey Robbo, d'ya think you could do one about the Boro, to try and lift some of the relegation doom and gloom? Its a big ask, I know, but think of the legions of loyal Smoggies out there in desperate need of cheering up.
Something along the lines of Gordon Ramsay's F Word, trying to show the Boro lads how to be a proper football team and giving Southgate teacup-throwing lessons?
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Amen, should the saviour pull the toon army through these trying times, at least we know we can blame Robbo and his beautiful wishful thoughts, Praise the lord.....
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104, i refer you to post 73... of course i'm aware Jesus is a prophet in the Koran, it simply didn't seem relevant, as the parody was obviously of The Bible not The Koran. My point was that to parody the Koran would have potentially been suicide, (professional or otherwise), whereas the Bible is fair game to comic mockery, as you have also pointed out.
Personally I've got bored of reading the posts after Robbo's blog each week; it doesn't matter how funny it is, we end up with roughly a 50/50 split of "oh so funny this week" or "i say robbo should be sacked". at least this week at least we've had something a bit different!
The usual suspects who call for the head of Robbo each week, should have picked up on, and taken advantage of, the subject of the blog and called for Robbos removal for the nature of the satire. the fact that they didn't? i'm wondering how many of them are genuine posts...
Robbo; Blasphemous naming a d-o-g after a g-o-d? maybe, (NOT I hasten to add a name we chose, his whole litter was named after ancient Greek gods)but i'm living in a Greek Orthodox country, and Zeus is known by his name, by a many Greek Orthodox Cypriots, who certainly are not offended by the use of the name...
So there you have it, this week we've explored the comic principles of parody, satire and irony: no doubt a few lapsed Christians will have even questioned their dormant faith as to whether it's a fit subject to discuss on a football blog, and it's extremely likely that not everyone posting here knew Moslems referred to Jesus as a prophet! We've even had an attack on the Monarchy, questioning the hypocritical nature of UK society...
All in all Robbo, something different to the norm...
Good job I never mentioned my pot-bellied pig called Buddah!
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@ZEUSFC: I think you'd only have been in trouble if you'd called him Mohammed. In fact, wasn't there a story in the news, a while back, about some girl landing in hot water for doing exactly that?
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teacher: teddy-bear class mascot! in UAE i seem to remember... lost her job and got thrown out, but only after a couple of weeks in prison...
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ZeusFC - thanks for summing everything up nicely. Pig named Buddha? You're obsessed, man.
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Robbo - That was class. Keep up the good work. I wish the best for Shearer but fear the worst. I think there is someone on a flight back from Mexico tonight who would have been a better bet...
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Robbo, you are crazy! I nearly died of laughter!!!
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I admire Shearers bravery, to take over as they are about to get relegated! his hero status wont be damaged but it will be interesting to see if he decides to take the job of getting newcastle back into the premiership!
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So Ashley is a Cockney? Since when has Berkshire been in East London. I shall henceforth refer to Robbo as a "Geordie"...
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Rubbish, basicaly, tell me the BBC doesnt pay you to produce this tripe?
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I must say I don't understand why this would be offensive to Christians - the author is not trying to mock Christianity, or the bible, merely parody it. In my opinion anyone who would declare themselves offended by this is basically attention-seeking. Would there have been a backlash if he had written this article in the style of the Koran? Perhaps. Would I agree with such a backlash? No I wouldn't. It's a mark of the overly PC society we live in today.
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118; au contraire! you must remember there are a number of countries in the world (and a few of the southern states in the USA) where the parody "Life of Brian" is still banned... it's got nothing to do with "PC society"... it's the exact oposite. ALL religions have a degree of fundamentalism; the point I made earlier was that Christianity is an easier target (in the UK) because the UK does not have many Christian fundamentalists, and as such less people are likely to object.
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#10
Love it. Your talking my kinda language.
I don't care who Monty Pythons "Life Of Brian" offends its hilarious.
Top notch Robbo
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I doubt anyone will be reading this any more but it is midnight here in Istanbul and I have nothing better to do. So:
#104 - I hope Another_JC does not stand for Another Jesus Christ. I haven't attended a church sermon ever since the day (decades ago) I realised there was not much point. Being an atheist makes life a lot easier in so much that you do not worry about wasting time, money and effort on ANY belief system no-one has proved, can prove or will ever prove. I just wanted to make the point that Robbo's amusing blog was more in touch with reality than the source material it was based on.
#79 - Not sure Robert E. Howard is a relevant author to quote here. What has Conan and all the other bucaneering characters he wrote about got to do with a blog about Newcastle Utd. and Shearer? Hope Robbo does not go and blow his brains out either after the death of his mother.
#111 The poor teacher was kicked out of the haven of democracy - Sudan - and not the UAE which is much more liberal as the pair having sex on the beach will testify to as they were treated with more compassion than Gillan Gibbons. The UAE has certainly not committed genocide either.
#78 - Tarquin, thank you for your support. I was born and brought up in the Middle East which is why I do not get involved in either religion or politics but still have to understand and appreciate the dire effects they both have on people. I did understand the point ZeusFC (The man and not the dog or god) was getting at but thought it totally irrelevent.
There is an excellent book out called 'Faulty Logic' which a lot of people should read. I also recommend anything by A.C. Grayling - genius.
Cheers, Joe.
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ALL religions have a degree of fundamentalism; the point I made earlier was that Christianity is an easier target (in the UK) because the UK does not have many Christian fundamentalists, and as such less people are likely to object.
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And that is a good reason not to choose christianity to base it on? As far as I can tell you are saying that he chose to base it on christianity because there is less chance he will get a backlash (which I don't agree with), due to the relative lack of fundamentalists. You meanwhile say that this blog should not about other religions be done because it could offend the fundamentalists, and thus should not be done about christianity either. This all falls apart when you realise that barely anyone listens to fundamentalists, and you have to accept that sometimes, people will be offended.
On another note, you state that you live in a Greek Orthodox country, and thus it is alright to name your dogs after Greek Gods, but last time I checked, the Greek Orthodox Church is a branch of Christianity, and do not, in fact, follow those ancient deities, somewhat undermining your point about it not being blasphemous.
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