Caribbean scream
I often get hassle for always accentuating the negative, but even for an old misery like me it's hard to know what which piece of shoddy slack-backsided shambles to pick on first after this weekend's sport. Suffice to say if you played for a team called 'England' you're not up to much.
Credit must go to the Italian lad Bergamasco, a scrum-half who delivers with all the accuracy of a drunk relieving himself against a wall. I know he's not really a number 9, but hellfire a kid playing blind man's bluff could have made a better stab at it.
It got so bad I was wondering whether the English backs might ask Mauro if, before delivering the next pass, he'd like to Gift Aid it.
Still, he was out of position. In the Premier League we watched people on the sort of wage that would make an RBS banker blush, missing chances that weren't so much sitters as lie-down-take-a-nap-and-flutter-it-in-with-your-eyelashes. Were it not for the fact that Afonso Alves couldn't finish a pot of yoghurt right now, let alone a serviceable chance, the Blue Bell would have been a sea of glee.
Top three in this weekend's Iwelumo Awards are:
3. John Terry's lame left-foot poke, although to be fair a little lad behind the goal squeaked "Excuse me, can we have our ball back" and JT duly obliged;
2. Henri Camara for his full-blooded Jonny Wilkinson on to the bar at the JJB;
1. Ryan Bobble - there must have been a bobble - for his desperate waft at Pompey. Ian Bell could have got closer (actually Belly would have nicked it to be fair).
Of course the real shoddiness at Pompey came 36 hours later with the grizzly treatment of Adams. Here's a bloke who took up a job on the proviso that he lost his best players and had his budget cut.
As it happens, the team's been playing decent enough stuff it's just that the rock on which Redknapp built his side, namely Sol and Distin, have been showing all the composure of a couple of contestants on Masterchef. (I love that programme but why does that barrow-boy slaphead have to eat food like he's forcefeeding a drowsy Orangutan?)
Adams was on the edge of a precipice last week and what did he tell the world? 'All the board, the players, the fans are behind me.' Just hold that image in your head for a mo, Tony, and see where you might end up.
It's discouraging 'cos Adams is so obviously a decent bloke. He was open, honest, and prepared to take the flak when it came. In short, he was Gareth Southgate. And you have to reckon on him being next even with chairman Gibbo being an honourable bloke who sticks to his guns.
Who's going to take over from Adams? Well, there's always the outside chance that Harry will once again rediscover where his heart lies and return to Fratton Park with his puppy Jermain on a leash. Not that the Pompey fans'd have him. Curbishley has to be among the favourites. Not Avram Grant, surely? You don't want to be replacing the Donkey with Eeyore, do you?
But nothing has surpassed the shoddiness of English cricket this weekend. We did actually win the Ashes in 2005, didn't we? It wasn't some sort of Blairite brainwashing experiment that reduced the whole nation to fawning imbeciles?
If two of the current team are worth £2.2m, what price the rest of them? £2.20?
It's pigging chaos from top to bottom. The handling of KP/Moores was rubbish and while I joined in the Pietersen slating I'm beginning to wish they'd just tugged their foppish forelocks and let the South African ego have his way.
KP got all sorts of flack for throwing his wicket away on 97, but if the rest of the sorry bunch ever pulled their bleeding fingers out it wouldn't matter, would it?
The England set-up is still like some sort of chummy clique where you have to know the flippin' password to get in. Strauss comes in and everyone makes the usual, pathetic, predictable claims of positivity and happiness in the camp - as if some monstrous PR muppets have inserted a microchip of public relations best practice into the back of their skulls.
And yet your average bystander is looking at the team and thinking Bell? Collingwood? Harmison? Even Monty? Just how stonkingly average do you have to be before someone says "pack you bags , it's time you left"!' Only Flintoff, KP, Broad and Prior could be said to have put any real fire into that first Test. The rest can jump into the sea at Montego Bay and swim for it.
The Stanford match was humiliating enough but this... 51. FIFTY ONE! Never mind all these referrals on decisions. I'd like to refer the whole bloody shambles to the ECB and ask them what the hell they're going to do about it. The Windies would have found more resistance if they'd have boarded the Marie Celeste.
If Ian Bell is not replaced for the next match I will assume he is Geoff Miller's love-child. If Monty Panesar cannot vary the pace and flight of his deliveries I will conclude he is not a bowler but a cyborg facsimile of a cricketer - albeit a loveable one.
Alastair Cook must be in a steady relationship cos he's clearly forgotten how to pull. And Harmison is about as threatening as drizzle these days. They're lucky they're on tour or half of them'd be back at their counties by now.' Cos there are people who take playing for their national team seriously.
Back home come May let's have this team:
Denly, Cook/Strauss, Key (captain), KP, Shah, Fred, Prior, Broad, Rashid, Swann/Hoggy, Onions. It could not be worse if it tried.
I'm Derek Robson. People call me Robbo. Legend has it I was raised in the furnace and smog of Teesside. Some might say I took the hard road. I like to tell folk I had trials for Middlesbrough, for Hartlepool and for burglary (not guilty). I've always loved sport. My job is to say it as I see it - whether it's in the bar of the Blue Bell or on this blog. You won't find me calling a spade a soil-redistribution implement.
© MMIX~RS~q~RS~~RS~z~RS~17~RS~)
Comments
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As a sports lover who gets his elation/despondency from the Villa and the England cricket team, at the moment it's difficult to decide whether I should be up or down.
I played cricket for umpteen years and the lack of responsibility shown by England is amazing. You don't win anything in any team sport until you take the attitude that it's down to you.
Central contracts are the big problem for our players, how does an up and coming player get in to the team, and more to the point how does a current player get dropped.
As you point out they must be PR induced if there are any positives to take from Jamaica - unless you are a West Indian.
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It's horrible being an England fan, and with the Footy against Spain on Wednesday it'll only get worse! Never mind I can at least consol myself with trips to the riverside...D'oh.
Seriously, having watched Wales tear Scotland apart with swift incisive back play, I really fear for England this weekend; no imagination, no discipline, no momentum, no hope!
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Robbo, in your previous blog "Shut that window!" you made a strong argument against having a window in the middle of the football season for player transfers.
I think the argument should be extended to managers; i.e. come August, each club will start out with a set of players and a manager, and barring the odd exception for someone getting run over bus, that's it for the whole season.
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Take a deep breath, Robbo... there will be no blackwash in this tour... Windies is just as disfunctional as England! Breaks my heart really, since I support both these meccas of cricket, but the currents of the modern game all seem to flow south of the equator!
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Spot on Robbo. what if collinwood is not dropped, will he be a love child of some 1 higher in ECB.
England havent won a competitive match since they beat MUMBAIsenconds X1, without a player who plays in MUMbais state team, after that 5-0 loss in OD's to India 1-0 in Test, might have lost the second one if the weather waasnt bad. and now 1-0 down to WI.
Wi's the team whose admin will make ECB proud
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also Robbo , whats wrong with the mod's on Johnathan Agnew's blog. u have to wait for centuries to get ur comment written on it. Please lend him an advice
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KP was the man to take English cricket forward, a born winner who wanted to create a team of winners. Now the stuffed shirts have got their chinless, well spoken yes man in charge, we can all prepare ourselves for years of mediocrity
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~~~~~~~~~~
Alastair Cook must be in a steady relationship cos he's clearly forgotten how to pull.
~~~~~~~~~~
Nice one, Robbo!
And thanks for resisting the urge to make fun of Arsene Wenger for once.
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Even as a Man Utd fan like yourself Robbo, I'm getting bored of your constent picking on poor Mr Benitez...
If he is not allowed full control over which players are selected how can he be expected to be able to put a team together that can score more than 51 runs...
If was hardly his fault that no one told him that he wasn't allowed to bring on his best players for the last 15 overs in order to score some runs...
I can't believe you get paid for this rubbish.. I'm writing to Gordon Brown to demand a refund of my Council Tax!!!
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And now it's Scolari. A bear market indeed.
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Cook must be in a steady relationship cos he's forgotten how to pull.
Just laughed out loud at work and got some very funny looks!
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Absolutely great blog "Cook must be in a steady relationship cos he's forgotten how to pull." havent stopped laughing, and your damn right bout bell he shouldnt have been picked for this game and even if shah isnt a number 3 with Key still in england shah is better than bell at the moment and Key for collingwood for the 1st test in this country!
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henri camaras done well to hit the bar at the JJB seeing as he was playing up in Sunderland for Stoke. Check your facts son.
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You could drop any or all of the top 5 batsmen with the exception of KP. The real problem lies with the backroom staff. Ian Bell scores a double hundred for Warwickshire then gets 199 against SA and hasn't hardly got another run for England since. Monty was doing well when he first played for England but since they've got hold of him hes stopped taking wickets. I say sack the entire backroom staff.
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Bring in Key if you please, just NOT as captain!!
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good shout on the England team recommendation (in the main). Keysey shoud have been in there for years now and he deserves his shot at three...he'd be a top class skipper too. might get some disagreement over hoggard and onions but not too many knocking the door down to change your mind i'd guess. would love to see it happen but i think if i stood on one leg waiting for it, i'd fall over.
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I'm glad I'm a Pom living out in Oz because, apart from a little light-hearted taking the piss out of the locals, none of this England business really matters too much to me these days.
Robbo, where do you get this hilarious stuff from? Marie Celeste! Larf? I almost knocked the cat off the table.
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At least the England 7's rugby team can proudly carry the flag. Beating the Kiwi's in their own back yard with a stunning comeback !! Roll on the 7's World Cup here in Dubai next month.
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Excellent as ever Robbo !
A sorry weekend of sport all round (apart from England's Rugby 7s win).
Best to draw a line under it and move on.
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Drawing a line under it would be great, if it were not for the impending 2nd test which starts on friday.
No doubt we will be submitted to a similar shambolic epsiode during that.
But on the positive side, at least they dont have one Brian Charles Lara in their side, to score 775 runs in 2 innings at Antiga this time.
On current form, i am not sure England will score 775 runs all calendar year.....
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Also, odd that you think Cook "must be in a steady relationship, cos he has forgotten how to pull"
He has been flirting outside his off stump for the best part of a year. Someone had better tell his girlfriend.....
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Defoe_is_home.....brilliant
Wish I'd thought of that one
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I wish I knew what it was Cook, Bell, Strauss, Collingwood and Monty were using to blackmail the Selectors with.
I'd imagine Shah, Swann, Key, Denly and Simon Jones would like to know too.
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Good blog, apart from one thing, and perhaps you were being ironic and missed the point, but the alternate cricket team you offer up is a joke. Graham Onions is not good enough to play trest cricket for England, not by a long way. I doubt Hoggard can refind his former glory and should probably not be picked (although if he does regain form then i'd agree with you) Joe Denly has no experience opening in international cricket and you want to give him the Bret Lee takes him for a pair confidence knock which will shatter him?
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Exactly how do you go about gettig international experience if you are not picked because you dont have any....??
But your point is valid. The Ozzies are re-building by picking proven state players that are in their late 20's. These guys have never had a look-in before whilst the old order was in town, now they are in they will be hungry for success against England.
Teenagers are not the answer, good players who are hungry to play test cricket are.
Unfortunately, with the ECB bungling every major issue in the last 18 months, i think the lure of the IPL has taken over from the desire to play test cricket.
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"In short, he was Gareth Southgate. And you have to reckon on him being next even with chairman Gibbo being an honourable bloke who sticks to his guns."
Actually, Robbo, that was Scolari.
And Key may well be a decent captain, but you can't just pick him and immediately make him captain. Sends out all kinds of wrong messages. Better a squad performing poorly and being changed when necessary than a squad performingly poorly because they'll blame someone else for it to avoid getting dropped after one game.
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dafoe-is.... Erm... In responce to your question i'd go about giving denly his international exprience in match that, while still international matches, wre not against the aussies!!! I wasn't saying never pick him just don't throw him in at the deep end where his confidence could be shot for good. I agree with the rest of your comment re the aussies... They get it right over and over but the ECB just get it wrong time and time again!
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cavYorkshire, The Windies were meant to be weak and look what happened...??
But your right, Maybe some 1-day internationals and the 2 tests against the Windies in May, but given Englands current form, collapsing against an "average" team is likely to do him as much harm as having Brett Lee charging in at him. At least he would have control over his own destiny....
We are just poorly run, poorly selected, poorly captained and playing poorly.
What is worse is that we only have 1 back-up batsman in the squad, but seem to have enough back-room staff to take care of an American Football team.
Although maybe Flower can bat 3.....??
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Dear Mr Miller,
I can neither bat, bowl, or keep wicket, but i am prepared to pay for my flight and accomodation to the west indies. Furthermore, i neither wish to play in the IPL or any other league, but i am fully prepared to wear my countries colours with pride and at least try and represent my country with alittle more vigour and effort than some of our currently players.
If you require any further assistance, i am also willing to drive the team bus, and im a dab hand with the drinks tray.......
Bytheway does anyone have the number of that Robin Smith fellow, he used to be a bit handy....
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I think you should have included a missed sitter by Tim Cahill for Everton.
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You forgot to mention the brilliance of a resurgent West Indies team!
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I can't understand the treatment of Tony Adams. Watching his team outplay a sort of 2nd string Liverpool team and then losing because of a daft mistake is no cause to sack him. I think its on level-par with Billy Davies sacking and Paul Ince.
Other issue: Ian Bell, Steve Harmison. Why do England persist with players who are not mentally up for the challenge?
And poor Greame Swann he must feel he has to move the odd mountain to get a place in the England team.
Great to see the Windies coming back, they have some young talent coming through, its unfortune England can't do the same.
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Yeah, we could give some credit to the windies but then we'd nbe letting the slackers off the hook wouldn't we?
The lad who mentioned Cahill - yep he was 4th on the list and Bellamy missed a blinking sitter n all. However their howlers mattered less in the grand scheme of things.
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At this rate, poor old Owais Shah may actually have to kill Ian Bell to get into the team.
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It really annoys me when people think Rob Key is international quality - its as though people have forgotten he has failed before.
Key is a younger version of Ramps/Hick - will score tons of run in County Cricket but when it comes to international cricket will only get an occasional big score - exactly the same criticism aimed at Bell.
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Masterful Wales the defending champions flatten Scotland. They are still British and do they get a mention?
If it isn't England it isn't in typical BBC.
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Agree with #35 re: Key. We've had a look. Take out a massive double hundered against a pathetic opposition and he averages 20.49 in tests.
Having said that, I have to say he is more deserving than the Bells and Collingwoods at the moment.
But if the only option we have is to recall Rob Key then it doesn't say much for the standard of the county batsmen coming through does it.
As for Shah. I've given up expecting him to get a crack. The clique clearly doesn't like him and therefore he won't get picked.
The England team is a joke. And while I'm on a rant, drop Flintoff. Tell him to go away and get somewhere near the weight he was in the 2005 Ashes and then I'd recall him.
Currently he's at least a stone and a half heavier and his performances are suffering.
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just have to say what a great read this blog was, yet again. very funny.
and why are any of us bothering to suggest people for the england cricket team? it NEVER changes. "shall i go and train really hard, work on concentration and fitness because i really want to get a nice long all expenses paid trip to the caribbean just to play cricket? actually nah, i'll get picked anyway."
come on its damn near the best job in the world. earn it.
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#36 galinor.
I think the clue's in the first paragraph. "... if you played for a team called 'England' you're not up to much."
While it would have been interesting to read Robbo's take on the Scotland v Wales game and the possible ramifications for Saturday's game at the Millennium I wasn't really expecting it.
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Bring back Trescothick and give him the captaincy!
Trescothick*, Cook, Strauss, Pietersen, Shah, Prior, Flintoff, Broad, Sidebottom, Rashid, Anderson
Yes, I know Marcus has retired, but can't we at least try and get him back?!
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I know Bell is struggling, but why is he in at 3a fter his success further down the order? I'd be tempted to drop Colly and move Bell down with Shah in at 3.
Monty needs to be dropped too. He may be likeable but he's got less variety than The Killers back-catalogue
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#35
I agree entirely. Its a joke that anybody would want to bring Key back nevermind make him captain. A double century against a poor windies side a number of years ago and still after 15 tests his average was about 30. Yet people berate Bell who averages 40 and want to replace him with Key. I'm not denying Bell needs dropping but definitely not for Robert Key.
Apart from that, good article.
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Why do you persist in writing cricket based articles when you only get 42 comments in a few days?
Football ones get 100s of comments and if you write that a Liverpool player farted you can be sure of 3,264 comments telling you you are a *&@^£* within the first 30 seconds!
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GazUtd:
Proper Cricket blogs get plenty of responses from proper cricket fans - and quickly too...
This is a multi sport blog and covers footy, Rugby and Cricket so where are all the football and Rugby responses?
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Frodo MUFC
I like your suggestion of a "3a" in the England batting line up! We need one.
Other comment about FF 'getting back to his 2005 weight'. I'll think you'll find he is.
And those of you on Strauss' back after 1 test match and a top record in test and 1st class cricket ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Criticise his batting if you must (its been 4 inning since his last ton, so I'm sure you feel you have the right), but even Abramovich wouldn't ditch him just yet.
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GazUtd
One thing about this blog though is that it gets rid of the 'know-nowt football hooligans' on to other blogs.
Thanks Robbo.
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You know I really need to top up the screenwash in my car. I probably won't be able to do it until tommorow morning though.
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I cannot believe the comments about members of our fabulous cricket team. Alright, they might not be the best cricketers in the world, but we at the ECB love them.
I'll have you know some foreign players that don't even know which fork to use and what's more, would bore the pants off our dinner guests with their single minded obsessive desire to win.
Remember, cricket is not everything-manners and smartness will eventually win the day!!!
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glad too see that people on here are seeing sense with key hes not good enough to play for england hes not even a very good pundit for christ sake england need to think to the future and dropping cook would be a stupid idea as the future of english cricket revolves around him and broad.
as for this robbo bloke what a total mug.
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All those who are slating Robbo ask yourself if you could do a better job. Because ill bet not one of you could. As for the England team to face Australia this summer i would go with this:
Strauss*
Cook
Vaughan
Pietersen
Shah
Bell (proven at this position)
Flintoff
Read (With 6 batters + Flintoff can afford to pick the best keeper)
Broad
S. Jones (If fit)
Panesar/Swann (Depends on how they start the season as to which i would pick)
I know this would increase the workload on Freddie but if he's fit i believe we can go with 3 pacemen and 1 spinner
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I agree with Jake Red Devil (above) re Bell at no 6. My current XI would be:
Strauss
Cook
Pietersen
Shah
Collingwood
Bell
Prior
Flintoff but only if fit
Broad
Sidebottom
Panesar
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Two factors have plagued the Carib tour. First the failure to pick Vaughan on the ludicrous grounds of his poor county form. He has never had decent County form - and I believe Duncan Fletcher first spotted his potential when he scored 1 and 0 v. Glamorgan!!Would Gower ever have been picked for England on his Leics. form? Who else but Vaughan can bat at no. 3 for England?
Second, the sacking of KP as capt. -see above- and the presence of so many egos with the distraction of the Indian gold must make it tough for Strauss to impose himself on the team. There will have to be a total re-think before the Australians arrive.
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Amazin article, KP shld have retain his captaincy, ECB is the onli eg of hw to screw things up.
Also bang on with the quotes english players give, situation 1:Mgr under fire,"we still believe in him, he has got undue criticism,", when he is sacked, "we needed this change of apporach, the team under him will definately perform & improve.
Please get these fools some new quotes, suprisngly the reporters are not put of to sleep during the interviews.
Every1 invoved with ECB functionoing needs to resign.
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This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.
I don't see anyone picking on Cook, who only scored 4 in the entire match. At least Bell put some runs on in the first innings!
Its just a shambles at the moment, I agree Shah needs to come in, but not sure it should be at the expense of Bell. Collingwood hasn't exactly been at his best lately either, so maybe he should be worrying about his place
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