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Alternative transfer deadline day

Robbo Robson | 14:08 UK time, Monday, 2 February 2009

Of course there's always a lot of giddy gossip going on during transfer deadline day. The ghost of Jackie Milburn is often seen in Gateshead taxis.

A couple of years back, we had that Zinedine Zidane having a ploughman's in the Blue Bell at lunchtime. And only last year, rumours that Cristiano Ronaldo was seen in the Neptune Pool on Ormesby Road only seemed to be authenticated when it appeared he'd been diving off the top board, and howling in agony all the way down.

Still there's always some gossip that no one tells you about. You've got your gossip page but here's some of the things you may not have found out about the shenanigans on deadline day.

Chelsea have lined up Lionel Messi. He'll cost 120m euros and if Kalou and Malouda are thrown in as makeweights , it'll cost them 170m.

Andrei Ars-shavin could be joining Ars-ene at Ars-enal. Other rumoured purchases include Ars-enio Hall, Faustino Ars-prilla and Ars-afa Powell and, well, anyone whose name begins with A-R-S (a few players spring to mind).

Rafa Benitez is once more enraged by Harry Redknapp's indiscreet comments after the old geezer says he wouldn't mind buying Torres, Gerrard and Carragher. Rafa is quick to respond by saying: "You can't have them - no, no, no, no, no, no! Stop it! It's not fair! Wah-Wah!"

Meanwhile Keane is staying at Anfield after they put comfier cushions on the bench. The cushions were designed by Andriy Shevchenko after his uneasy career at Chelsea. That's Keane the turgid rock band by the way 'cos......Spurs make a series of last-minute signings... after Defoe and Chimbonda, Harry snaps up Robbie Keane, Taimu Tainio, Paul Robinson, Helder Postiga, Garth Crooks, Glenn Hoddle, Steve Perryman, Martin Chivers, Cyril Knowles and Danny Blanchflower.

Desperate times at Newcastle United, who go down to Lincolnshire to sign some new strikers from outside the Lindsey Power Station.

Aston Villa chairman Randy Lerner (a name that always conjures up a sixth-former in the arms of an older, wiser woman) sanctions the purchase of several vital buys: a rabbit's foot, a horseshoe and a lucky black cat. Not that they need any more good fortune this season.

No one's falling over themselves to sign Steven Taylor, so the Newcastle player seems to be making do with falling over himself in the opposition box.
The Chuckle Brothers
Big Phil Scolari signs the Chuckle Brothers. 'They will fit in well with my other midfielders' he says. To me, to you, to you, to me.

Sir Alex Ferguson and his squad all sign extensions to their existing contracts. There's a slight hitch but the crisis soon passes 'cos, when you really want one, you can always get a pen at Old Trafford.

Arsene Wenger has signed four schoolboys from Ghana for tuppence ha'penny. No one's heard of them. They're all in the team for Saturday's clash with Cardiff and wouldn't you know it they're all blinking geniuses.

Djibril Cisse is signed by Goodyear, who intend to use his head to advertise their new tyres.

Liverpool cough up £25m for David Villa. Rafa seems pleased but tells the assembled press: "He's a top quality player but if he's rubbish when he gets here, just remember it wasn't me who bought him."

Middlesbrough manager Gareth Southgate signs Kelly Brook as their new centre-forward. "I've looked at her and I think she'll be a bit of a handful", says Gaz.

Wigan have invested in a nanny for Charles N'Zogbia. Steve Bruce is concerned that the left-sided Frenchman won't have anyone around to help him put his toys back in his pram.

Everton have signed a new coach for away games as they've gone off the one they currently park in front of the goal.

Bolton Wanderers are keen to sign a player with a pilot's licence so he can fly around above the stadium trying to keep the ball in play. Megson is keen to get an osteopath in too as the Wanderers midfield is suffering from a collective cricked neck.

Manchester City's transfer budget is reduced when their owners announce a takeover of Iceland - that's the country not the frozen food shop. West Ham are delighted.
Newcastle United announce that their new manager is to be Alan Shearer. After converting the River Tyne into the River Wine, he walks across it to sign his new contract.

Rick Parry signs Johnny Vegas and Vanessa Feltz. Rafa is outraged and storms into the Chief Exec's office to tell him 'When I said, we needed a bit of width, this wasn't what I had in mind.'

Deprived of Rory Delap for three games, Tony Pulis brings in a medieval catapult to play down the left.

Suddenly Man Utd are in the market for a player. But it's gone past the deadline and they can't get Tim Cahill now. But somehow the officials manage to find an extra 10 minutes in which to get the deal done and dusted.


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