Robbo's 2009 predictions (part 1)
It's time for Robbo to give you mirthless masses (try saying that after a Dubonnet or two) his predictions for 2009.
So here comes the first six months (with the rest to follow next time)...
January
The Great North Run begins early as half the Newcastle United squad take the phrase 'transfer window' a bit literally and climb out of one at the Gallowgate end and pelt off south for a bit of warmth and wealth elsewhere.
Joe Kinnear is shocked to discover he's lost his entire back four but Shay Given reminds him that he didn't see any of them during the thrashing against Liverpool either. Shay adds that he's seen better marking from your average schools examination board.
Kinnear feels better when he learns he's won the award for World's Oldest Mullet.
David Moyes signs Jo from Eastlands, much to Kenwright's outrage as he was hoping for a big-name striker and Jo's only two letters long. Meanwhile Man City's owners hand Mark Hughes their January wishlist - it's a book of Panini soccer-stickers with the ones they want highlighted in green pen.
Andy Murray wins the Aussie Open (why not?) in a manner so grumpy he makes John McEnroe look like, well, Tim Henman. And the Australians love him for it.
February
The Six Nations begin with England trailing by 10 points with two minutes to go when Martin Johnson brings his trump card off the bench. Kelly Brook sashays down the touchline pursued by the Italian first XV while her fella Cipriani runs in a hat-trick.
Meanwhile Capello's England hammer Spain 4-1 with a hat-trick from Agbonlahor and footballing widows everywhere are freed from their torture as Fabio opens the first ever Capellite monastery for believers across the nation.
Joe Calzaghe announces his retirement but agrees to fight Evander Holyfield from the comfort of his armchair.
And as England return to the West Indies it's WAGs night at Stanford Towers. The lasses unfortunately share his 20-20 vision and dash in the opposite direction.
March
Wales continue to romp through the Six Nations with Shane Williams scoring a try that leaves the watching public as dumbfounded as he sounded on Sports Personality of the Year
. (Trying to pull that lad down is like trying to hold on to a greased trout in a bubble bath.)
England move on to the one-dayers with KP in positive mood following a narrow Test series victory, but there's insufficient firepower in England's top seven and the Windies trounce the boys.
In Russia Valuev and Klitschko face each other for the world heavyweight title. You've got time to go for a cuppa in between the punches. It's like watching two brachiosauruses trying to fight their way out of a swamp. Despite the pointlessness of the bout, Klitschko wins on points. Steve Bunce blames the KGB.
The Champions League resumes and Jose Mourinho returns to that OT touchline in charge of Inter. Fergie signs Dean Windass on loan to spend the entire match jogging along the touchline like some Humberside bully-boy bouncer just in case Jose fancies a jog after an Inter winner. It works and United sneak through after Toldo drops the ball under pressure from a gurning Carlos Tevez.
In other games, Ranieri makes three changes to the line-up at Stamford Bridge during half-time but Scolari tells him he's the Juve manager and Claudio explains that he just couldn't resist.
Liverpool thump Real Madrid and Arsenal fail to get past Roma. Wenger is appalled by the regular attempts by Roman players to tackle his team when they had possession and calls on Uefa to do something.
April
Tiger Woods is back and looking trim at Augusta, only to have his arm injured by Boo Weekley, who mistakes the great man for a moose and shoots at him from the 13th tee. Woods carries on forlornly, playing with just one arm and can only manage to retain the title by seven shots.
England face Ukraine on April Fool's Day and they think the opposition are having a laugh when they pick that crap bloke who used to be at Chelsea. He scores a brace but England get a late equaliser from one D. Beckham who's been looking hot in Milan's colours. He hasn't been playing any games, mind.
Hull City are now truly in the relegation mire after defeat at Sunderland and a 4-0 deficit at half-time at the Riverside. Phil Brown makes his team strip in the centre-circle while he sprays them with a water-cannon after which loan signing Ricardo Fuller slaps each and every one of them across the chops with all the power of a girl trying to dry her nail-varnish. Barmby scores the injury-time equaliser and Brown is offered the freedom of the town by the Hull Naturists Society.
The credit crunch has torn F1 asunder but the Beeb do their best to beef up the coverage, despite the fact that Lewis Hamilton et al have to put their own petrol in their own cars and change their own tyres like the rest of us. As a result it's a lot more interesting all round.
May
On the final day of the Premier League season only United, Liverpool, Chelsea, Arsenal and Aston Villa are safe from relegation. There's three points between everyone else. Unbelievably Spurs (Carling Cup winners in 2009 of course), Newcastle and Man City (despite a brilliant hat-trick by Kaka) all go down. Man City are sold to Alan Sugar for 20 quid.
United win the Premier League and the celebrations last a week - in Kuala Lumpur.
The FA Cup is won by Middlesbrough... I say that every year... then I always correct meself and say I fancy Villa... and then they draw Man Utd in round four and they're mincemeat. So that's Boro or Villa then.
The Champions League final is a rematch of last year. But this time Chelsea take the spoils after John Terry, wearing nine-inch studs, slots home the penalty. Ronaldo bursts into tears and rushes into the consoling arms of Ramon Calderon.
June
Stuart Pearce gets a full squad of the best of England's young players for the U21 Championship after he goes round all the managers' houses with Phil Brown in attendance and has a word. Quite right too. Good ol' Psycho.
More cash problems for Formula 1 mean that Lewis Hamilton wins the British Grand Prix in an Austin Allegro, just pipping Felipe Massa in a Twingo. Massa was given a stop-go penalty for going through Towcester High Street in third gear. Shocking.
Rafa Nadal wins the French Open without dropping so much as a fart, never mind a set.
I'm Derek Robson. People call me Robbo. Legend has it I was raised in the furnace and smog of Teesside. Some might say I took the hard road. I like to tell folk I had trials for Middlesbrough, for Hartlepool and for burglary (not guilty). I've always loved sport. My job is to say it as I see it - whether it's in the bar of the Blue Bell or on this blog. You won't find me calling a spade a soil-redistribution implement.
© MMIX~RS~q~RS~~RS~z~RS~02~RS~)
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Brilliant blog Robbo, I also think that Fergie's jaw finally drops off from all the gum he chews and in his rage he'll kick it and it'll stab Ronnie in the side of the head.
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Sunderland Don't Play at the Riverside Robbo!
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Also, instead of the usual managerial merry-go-round which happens every year, the Premier League will introduce a new system.
In order to cut out the middlemen and compensation topping a bajillion pounds, every two months all of the club chairmen will get together and put their respective manager's car keys in a bowl and choose.
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Jamieblue....Have another read,he does not say Sunderland play at the Riverside,
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brilliant read as usual, humorous.
as much as i love having another all english champions league final, i have the feeling barcelona will do well this year.
wonder if ronaldo will go and chase his dream in 09. if he goes, at least the whole saga finally ends eh.
http://wedontknowfootball.com/
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Re Jamieblue08 (post 2) and malrap (post 4). Malrap is correct in that Robbo does not say Sunderland play at the Riverside, however what he is suggesting is that Hull lose against Sunderland in April and then are 4 - 0 down at half time in their next match against Middlesbrough. This in itself cannot happen as they play at the Riverside the week before they play Sunderland.
P.S Sorry to be so picky!!!
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Wenger has never had a problem with tackling, as it's obviously a part of the game. Here is what he said in September:
"I don't have a problem with the physical game because I love commitment but it is down to intention and technical ability of the player.
A good tackle is as beautiful to watch as a good volley, for example. But you have to be sure about the quality of the tackling."
http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/standard-sport/article-23560696-details/Wenger+tells+Hull+to+play+by+the+rules/article.do
I know this blog is tongue in cheek, but there is a bit of a myth that Wenger is completely against physical football and tackling. It's just illegal or dangerous tackling that he has a problem with. Recently, he said, unequivocally, that Alonso was not to blame for Cesc's long term injury, because it was a fair tackle, strong and legal. If he was against tackling, then he would have probably criticized Alonso (unfairly) but he didn't.
People will bring up Wenger's comments after the Stoke game, where he blasted Stoke's tackling, and calling it "cowardly". His comments after that game were in response to Sorenson saying we had no "spine" and effectively saying we were not brave. It was a reaction from Wenger to those comments, which clearly angered him. I thought he was wrong to describe Stoke using such a strong adjective, but I believe his comments were in the heat of the moment.
Remember, right after the game against Stoke, he praised Stoke and admittted they deserved to win the game. He had no complaints about tackling directly after the game, a time when you expect some managers, frustrated after a defeat, to unfairly criticize the opponents or the referee. The only reason Wenger picked up on Stoke's tackling is because he was trying to deflect pressure from his team in light of Sorenson's comments about our lack of bravery.
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Liverpool will win the league, mind you.
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Robbo, look into your crystal ball and tell me if Southampton have any chance of survival come May?
I have a feeling the majority of our first team will be arrested at tonights New Years Eve party for underage drinking...
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Brilliant Robbo!
How about:
JANUARY
Arsene Wenger panicks in the transfer window and buys 'big' - Six French under-17 stars each at 375 pounds!
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Great blog;
although i think Tiger Woods will struggle to retain the Masters given that he is not the holder.
Trevor Immelman - Remember him?
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July.
Robbo Robson picks up the King Of Comedy award for his side-splitting articles.
Well, it is a tongue-in-cheek section, isn't it.
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This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.
This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.
This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.
I have never read so much rot... Do you really think with the global credit crunch that F1 can afford all the spare parts for an Allegro, this is a car that goes wrong so often that even Bill Gates would struggle...madness (my dad had one in the 70's and that was bad enough, endless wallet needed)!!!! No, now I could belive it more if you had said a Morris Oxford ... class, size and the handling that would suit Lewis down 2 the ground ....
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This is my wish for 2009 as opposed to my prediction, but can it please be the year when all the people who don't get Robbo's blogs stop writing in, along with all those misery guts who have nothing better to do than complain about it? And if they don't stop, how about running a competition for the most moronic comments of the year? The winner from 2008 must be; "I have to read this blog because there's nothing else to do", closely followed by; "Please don't write about things like Sports Personality of the Year because those of us who live overseas don't understand what you're talking about".
My second wish is that the humour in 2009 isn't just restricted to Robbo's article and also starts appearing in the comments. Anyone who's ever read Viz or the letters section of the Scottish edition of Metro must realise that the comments section of Robbo's blog isn't meant for serious commentary (or moaning of course). Come on folks, rise to the occasion and show that humour isn't just restricted to the North East!
On that note, thanks for the laugh Bangforyourbuck; "Instead of the usual managerial merry-go-round which happens every year, the Premier League will introduce a new system. In order to cut out the middlemen and compensation topping a bajillion pounds, every two months all of the club chairmen will get together and put their respective manager's car keys in a bowl and choose." However my prize for the best comment of 2009 has to go to: "What counts for beguiling in Middlesbrough - a pinny??"
A happy new year to one and all and Robbo, thanks for all the laughs in 2008!
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very funny Robbo good effort I liked the joke about Wenger was my favourite bit.
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Best blog of the year Robbo, well done mate and a happy new year to you and all 606'ers
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Good old Robbo - always the best reserved for the Whinger. You forgot the bit about Spurs winning the league cup and Gomez dropping it as it is handed to him.
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Wenger does moan, fair enough, but does he moan so much more than other Premiership managers, and does he clutch at straws more than the others?
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at deoxyribose...in a word...."YES"
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you telling me you find this funny...the bit about Jo is something a 5 year old would make up..
--
January 2009 - robbo gets replaced by a 5 year old and nobody notices the difference in quality (except robbo and his payslip).
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Same old anti arsenal bias.
Once again you show you're sporting ignorance. Trevor Immelman won the US Masters last year, not Tiger Woods.
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Liverpool will win league or champs league and will finish runners up in on eor the other i reckon, judging on how useless chelsea have been in the champs league so far are you serious about them wining lol?
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#24
and, like most people here, desperate to try and make the writer of a throwaway, lightweight waffle look bad, you've shown your ignorance of your own language by not being able to use the correct form of "your."
good work.
robbo, you don't need me to tell you to keep annoying the proles. however, please do.
best for 09.
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nocode, are you robbos boyfriend, agent or something else...feedback is not a bad thing...
--
P.S. message boards are not usually contain 100% spelling and grammar, have a fit ova this won !
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#2 was technically correct.....until pretty recently, Sunderland didn't play anywhere.
Adieu!
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Absolutely loved the comment about Moyes wanting to sign a big name striker but ended up signing Jo (only two letters long)!
Robbo, I have written in enough times for you to recognize that I am a dedicated fan....recognize that you cannot write award winning articles every week but oh my stars, you brighten my day.
Just one question: what does "gurning" mean re: your comment about Tevez.....
first time ever I've had to use the Oxford dictionary, Robbo re: your blog!!!!!!
presume it's a local thingie.
Whatever, Happy New Year - sorry you were not named in the New Year Honours List, maybe next year?
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July: Man City bought by China
August: City buy entire Manchester United squad for £6 billion and rename themselves the Peoples Republic of Manchester
May 2010:PR of M relegated to League 1 and are sold to me for a bag of crisps
May 2011: PR of M go into administration and retire from football
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"On the final day of the Premier League season only United, Liverpool, Chelsea, Arsenal and Aston Villa are safe from relegation"
lol
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I looked up last years predictions, and discovered that you didnt get a single one right!
I am hoping that you are on a roll and this year you will be equally unsuccessful, Robbo. Especially since the idea that Man Utd will win the prem again, and Chelsea will win the CL at all, makes me want to end it all right this minute.
Its Liverpool all the way, Robbo, but I do hope that Boro win the FA Cup.
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where did you find robbos predictions from last year?
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http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/606/A30605177
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/606/A30687898
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#29
"Gurning" is the art of pulling faces.
Experts of the art are, for example, people who have no teeth and can put their bottom lip over their nose.
Otherwise, I'd like to add that this is a very amusing blog. And I don't care about facts, just entertainment. That's the point here right?
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Seriously, do they actually pay you for that inane rambling? It's Ronny Goodlass meets the clangers on a Saturday afternoon - it really is not funny or remotely (football) interesting - a little bit like the wilds of the North East really. Apart from my great mates in Sunderland!
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I predict that when Tiger Woods Does return, he will find himself paired in the final round at the Masters with Phil Mickelson. Here is where things get interesting. Phil will act like his usuall arogent self, which all the players hate and at some point Eldrick will have had enough and the two will come to blows somewhere around Amen Corner. Upon hearing what is going on, the other players will gather chearing Eldrick On. Some will demand a shot at phil when tiger is done. After which, Tiger will then Challenge Klitcheko to a fight and will go on to Win the Heavy Weight Championship of the The World. Phil too will decided step into the ring, only to get knocked out with in 20 seconds by Evander "The Real Deal" Holyfield, who promptly decides to compete on Dancing with the Stars for a 2nd time. This time, he wins the competition defeating Justin Timberlake in the Final.
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Robbo, you just couldn't hide your distaste for Newcastle United could you? Well, ' i would love it' when we proove you wrong and make you eat your words once again! And to all you other NUFC haters, go suck a lemon!
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What a load of rubbish, i bet robbo is an overweight fool who supports a northern team and loves pies.....i like comedy but really you should not give up your day job.
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Good read, made me laugh. (Y)
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Robbo, that was not your best effort - Topical funny is good, random funny is not and anyone can do that - hopefully the next six months will be better.
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You forgot to say that Rebecca Adlington wins loads of swimming races and Sir Chris Hoy wins loads of cycling races, but no-one notices because no-ones cares at all about swimming and cycling.
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that bit about Windass made me laugh out loud, class
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Please, BBC, you've given this guy enough rope now please drop him from the gallows and get someone else to write your 'comedy' blog. His bias, fickleness and hypocrisy seems to get worse with every entry. Please, 2009, bring in someone else!!
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Robbo, that was your second best effort this year, well done. Your best effort came when you went on holidays:) and left us reading Tim & Co.
I laughed 4 times, the Ranieri bit was my fav.
Have a good one Robbo, and thanks for making them sound less laboured in the future.
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I don't see why I'm disallowed from hypocrisy when every other sports watcher in this country seems to have that particularly quality in, well... in whatever the SI unit of hypocrisy is... a Fergie?
I try me best to state my opinion not kowtow to someone else's agenda.
AS for you #39.
Overweight? Yes.
Northern? Yes.
Pies? Yes.
I should not give up me day job?! But my day-job is to be a pie-eating overweight Northerner. If it was up to you I'd have to lose three stone, much on alfalfa and move to somewhere grim like Newport Pagnell.
No bleeding chance, mate.
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I like that Robbo cares (seems to) about what people think about him. Makes him human after all.
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Had a good laugh at the Arsenal comment.
...not so funny about Chelsea winning the Champions League and Ronaldo going to Calderon!
Can't have everything though. Good blog Robbo.
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Regular humorous columns are one of the hardest things to write. I didn't take to Robbo when I first came across him, but I generally enjoy his blog and occasionally he makes some very sharp and telling points of importance to sports fans. As for bias, I think he'll take the mickey out of anyone when the opportunity arises, a good north eastern trait. The more pretentious someone is, the more Robbo will go for the jugular, quite right too.
My question is, did Gerrard get tips from Joey Barton after 'Pool beat Newcastle?
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Thank you for that Robbo - you had me laughing out loud! Brilliant and very funny blog - cheers and a happy new year!!
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32 torontored
He predicted United to win the prem - pretty sure they did
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tarquin,
Of course he did, it's written into every BBC contract.
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Never have I laughed this hard from your blog Robbo. I loved the bit about Terry and his nine-inch studs.
Mind you, I didn't like u predicting Man U to win the Prem. Should be Liverpool.
All in all, keep up the work mate. Fantastic stuff!
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Emirates stadium, great footballers and great football, a squad in the making that will be known as the "UNSTOPPABLES" Harry Houdini he that would sing love songs about the Spurs as a child on the North Bank at Highbury, a Gooner taking Spurs to Wembley via the play offs !! oops! Wrong year ! that would be 2010 !!!
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That P.S from Whiteoutloud [13] was brilliant, so close to the truth it hurt. Maybe we should sign Drogba and Quasimodo from utd before they sign him permanently, just to keep us clear of sunderland, newcastle and middlesborough who are all goin down =]
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Great one Robbo.
Last time we won the Champions League you kept saying that LFC will be out of the competition the next game and so on until the very last game in Istanbul.
This time you pick Mancs - thanks
Using your rule of the thumb for predictions I accept it... knowing you get it wrong once again.
I dont think there will be a lot of player movement this time round.
There's the credit crunch... not on wages though. Even middle east business is low at 45 usd per barrel.
Heard Putin is turning the gas taps out so we might all get frozen balls in the end and not enough power to kick around.....
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#35 :
"#29
"Gurning" is the art of pulling faces.
Experts of the art are, for example, people who have no teeth and can put their bottom lip over their nose."
========
... as any loyal Beano reader should know ;-)
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@ 36, 39, 44:
Maybe you should try that Phool McNumty's blog; that really IS a scream... if you're capable of screaming & yawning at the same time.
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Great blog mate! Loved the part when Brown gives them a lecture and Fuller slaps them all! LOL! I hope Liverpool win...man city get the stars and become the main team from manchester!:p I'd love Liverpool to win the champions leauge (or barca) but seeing Ronaldo cry and man utd losing...I'll take it!LOL I loved the Tiger Woods part! But tbh i want spain to win (sorry england fans)! Anyways, lets hope a good 2009 for all of us except our rivals! hehe.....Btw, it just became 2009 for us here in Toronto so you can sense that im hyper! YNWA
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I agree with deoxyribose.This is just a myth that Wenger hates tackles.If u say that then what about SAF who moans after every match that ronaldo is full of bruises?SAF is one of the main reasons that ManU are in such a huge debt.Consider the signings of Ferdinand,Rooney,Berbatov and Anderson and Nani you have an accumulated sum of over 100 million pounds.Remember Leeds United? United do not have unlimited wealth like City.So it is better to have financial stability and build your own squad than spend limitlessley just to appease ur fans.And Robbo,there is ABSOLUTELY NO CHANCE that Spain lose to England leave alone that ridiculos scoreline of4-1.Better luck next time time out on ur blog.
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At 09:57am on 31 Dec 2008, jamieblue08 wrote:
Sunderland Don't Play at the Riverside Robbo!
---------------------------------------------------
They don't play anywhere else either..........;-)
Nice one loved the Back four and Given reference, but it's a given ( scuse the pun) that the back 4 of Newcastle have not been around for a long time....
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Think you're trying a bit too hard to be funny, Robbo.
jamieblue08, I had to read that bit about the Riverside twice, and it does make sense. Have a re-read yourself.
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You forgot the bit about Spurs winning the league cup and Gomez dropping it as it is handed to him.
Luv it. Maybe you should be signed up as a sub.
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Good blog,I like the JO comment and can't understand why people read this expecting it to be at all serious .Happy 2009 Robbo and may Boro just avoid relegation.....
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Not quite as good as Part 2, but amusing nonetheless.
Loved Robbo's response to #39!
Sad to see there are so many people who still don't seem to understand what a blog is (i.e. that it doesn't have to be factual, unbiased etc.)
Anyway, Happy New Year everyone.
On the subject of Boro staying up...I wonder if Bernie Slaven has ever thought about going into management...perhaps he could cast a few pearls of wisdom Gareth Southgate's way?
If nothing else, it might prevent him showing his backside in a shop window (again) if by some miracle they do stay up.
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robbo, im disappointed. love your blog usually, but this is just dry. you should've done one on Stevie G's arrest - wouldve been more entertaining.
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Hull City in relegation mire?
OK, the wheels are looking a bit loose at the moment, but I cant see them all coming off.
Not until next season and we really are in the brown stuff (And I dnt mean the water in the river Hull...)
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Robbo hasn't discovered the real financial position of Everton. We can't afford JO it will have to be J or O not both of them
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"The lasses unfortunately share his 20-20 vision"
very good!
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That wasn't too bad.
But why was Toldo in goal for Inter?
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hilarious!
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Stoke and West brom stay up? you must be joking!!! Hull may be lucky enough to stay up, but there's no way Stoke and West brom can win more than 2 games this month when you look at their fixtures. If they get 5 points this month, they are in luck, God saves them both !!!
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"Phil Brown makes his team strip in the centre-circle while he sprays them with a water-cannon after which loan signing Ricardo Fuller slaps each and every one of them across the chops with all the power of a girl trying to dry her nail-varnish"
Splendid. Laugh out loud funny.
Great blog, possibly the best I've read on the BBC.
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Number 73
There you are... taste, appreciation and no chippy nonsense cos I've had a minor dig at one of your boys... Thanks Mum.
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The Brown, water-cannon image actually made me laugh out loud...
Good stuff, good stuff!
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Robbo... after reading this "Hull City are now truly in the relegation mire after defeat at Sunderland and a 4-0 deficit at half-time at the Riverside. Phil Brown makes his team strip in the centre-circle while he sprays them with a water-cannon after which loan signing Ricardo Fuller slaps each and every one of them across the chops with all the power of a girl trying to dry her nail-varnish. Barmby scores the injury-time equaliser and Brown is offered the freedom of the town by the Hull Naturists Society."
I think you might have lost the plot mate....
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Toonster - I think the point is that Maybe Phil Brown will lose the plot - again.
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Brilliant Robbo, I just wish that this would really happen.
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