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Robbo's Christmas presents

Robbo Robson | 15:19 UK time, Monday, 22 December 2008

Christmas is a time for giving and, as it turned out for a shifty bloke at the end of our road, receiving - he's at his Majesty's pleasure now.

But it's time to dole out some Yuletide cheer to the great, the good and the grumpy of the world that is Sport.

Feel free to recommend owt else you can think of.

Arsene Wenger - an eye-patch. He only ever has a one-eyed view of his beloved team's matches so he might as well cover the other one up.

Yuvraj Singh - his own chat-show, seeing as that's how he treats Test matches.

Steve McClaren - a parasol for those sunny days on the touchline (he's very fair-skinned so it's only fair).

Alan Shearer - galoshes so he can keep his feet dry the next time he crosses the Tyne.

Roy Keane - a bottle of.... nah, damn it, just some bottle.

Chas 'n Dave make an appearance at Spurs

Harry Redknapp - this might take some arm-twisting but where oh where is the Chas 'n Dave single 'Arry's a Top Geezer'.

Kevin Pietersen - a box-set of Smiths albums so he can spend Christmas being a little negative for a change, just for the sake of balance. (Trouble is you can just hear KP putting in a call to Morrissey and saying 'Yes, for sure, you're miserable now, but you've just got to pick yourself up and get on with the job, y'know?').

Lewis Hamilton - Timo Glock's already given him his Christmas present, but maybe we could give supporters of Fernando Alonso a bucket of water and a job-lot of soap so they can wash their stupid faces and join the 21st century.

Bernie Ecclestone - a haircut cos Bernie, that look didn't suit Andy Flipping Warhol, let alone you.

Manchester City - Messi, Kaka and Dunga - all these words describe City's season so far but I think they'll end with Roque Santa Cruz and a new manager.

Cristiano Ronaldo - same thing as he gets every year off me - a year's supply of lacquer for his tresses and a snorkel and flippers. And once Cristiano hadn't opened his present he didn't tidy things away properly and stepped into the box and promptly fell over.

Ricky Ponting - some bowlers (Johnson apart)... poor Australia - struggling aren't they? Gives a silver lining to all that fog in Mohali, doesn't it?

Heurelho Gomes - a little time on the bench, courtesy of 'Arry. Redknapp tried to let him down gently by giving Gomes a cold, but the poor chump couldn't catch that either.

Evander Holyfield/George Foreman/Any other silly old duffer who should be doing something different with their lives - a Saga holidays brochure. Me Mam and Dad love 'em and it's a dignified way to grow into your later years. There's more to life than trying to tonk another old bloke in the face. The heavyweight division is looking more and more like a school reunion punch-up.

Joe Calzaghe - in the light of the above, a happy retirement.

Didier Drogba - the Chelsea captaincy so he can toss a coin in a more useful way.

Joe Kinnear and Ricky Sbragia - fortune's fools the pair of them, and yet, they've both done enough to earn the right to take it on. So Geordies and Mackems, give 'em the job.

Mike Ashley - a buyer so he can get out of there and return to a quiet life of skulling pints and flogging trainers.

Donald Trump - Forget the golf complex in the North-east of Scotland, surely you could build a nine-hole par three in the bloke's ridiculous hair.

Fabio Capello - the nation's thanks for straightening out that bunch of millionaire muppets into a team worthy of the name England.

Joey Barton - a glass of cool water and some nice meditation tapes to listen to. That's it, Joey, concentrate on the breathing son... let your mind go blank... wait, you did that a while ago...

Maria Sharapova - a gag. You sound like a seagull that's being remorselessly smacked over the head with a damp welly. For goodness sake knock it on the head, woman.

Rob Styles - Rob's not getting any pressies this year cos he doesn't believe in Santa Claus or tooth fairies or ghosts or imaginary stuff like that, which is ironic cos he's the exact opposite when you put him on a football field.

John Terry - what else? Some slippers.

And in the sitting rooms of sports stars up and down the land they'll be playing the traditional games.

Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard will be round Fabio's place playing musical chair (that's right, just the one, Fabio).

Scrabble

Harry Redknapp is accused by Jamie of cheating at Scrabble, but his Dad insists that F-R-Z-I-J-S-K-X is the new centre-back he's signing from Cluj.

Wayne and Colleen play Articulate all day long and Wazza gets one right on the stroke of midnight.

The Pompey squad are round at Tony Adams's to play Pin the Tail on the Donkey, the owners of Manchester City and Chelsea are playing Monopoly (no change there), and Arsene Wenger is not really enjoying his game of Cluedo as he keeps getting it wrong ('I think it was Howard Webb, in the six-yard box, with the yellow card').

This is me Derek Robbo Robson saying to every one of you - even the miserygutses who think all their licence fees go on my wages - Merry Christmas!

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