Barack to the future
So America has proved itself to be, on the whole, not quite so stoopid as we thought it was. Barack Obama is president.
Those of us who suspected that a ticket with the message 'Obama n Biden' might have convinced the rednecks that the Godfather of Islamic Terrorism was the Democratic candidate have been proved wrong. Apparently there was a heavy turn-out, but let's face it in America it doesn't matter how many people come out and vote, the turn-out is always going to be heavy, very heavy.
Has owt else happened in the world in the last few days? Nah. Even Chelsea's defeat to Roma, in which Christian Panucci broke the world record for Space Offered to an Attacker Inside the Penalty Box, raised barely a murmur.
The Blue Bell's Arsene Wenger sweepstake for how soon it would take for Le Professeur to start bleating about the fact that his team get kicked more often than Jonny Wilkinson's practice ball was won by Tony Thompson (I had October). But nothing could stop the world from talking about the new man in the White House.
Personally, I'd like to see him straight in there now - why beat around the bush? Actually he could do both, get in there and beat the Bush around, do us all a favour.
But the question on every right-thinking man's lips right now is this: What does Obama's victory in the US mean to British sport? It may seem a naive question, but think about it.
The campaign theme is Change. People want Change. In Luton Town's case, any sort of loose change will do. As Harry Redknapp and Joe Kinnear have proved, change can have immediate effects.
I don't know about you but even if it lasts for a few days, it's nice to hear a bloke like Obama being positive and intelligent. I like this 'yes we can' thing. It's summat we can all use.
Can we inspire England's cricketers to wrench back the little urn off the Aussies? - especially in the light of India crashing their paper-thin attack to all parts for the last month and a bit? Yes we can.
Can we get behind Capello as he shakes them pampered prima donnas into a team worth its shirt? Yes we can!
Can we stop Wenger having a go at everyone when his team's form dips by not turning up and listening to his snippy little press conferences? Yes we can.
Can we find a way to defend ourselves from the hell that is a Delap throw-in? Yes we can.
Can we encourage clubs to flog their kits at a price that doesn't require a high-interest loan from the shifty bloke who knocks on your door after nightfall? Yes we can.
Can we use video evidence to give retrospective yellow cards to dirty diving diddlers? Yes we can.
Can we ban drugs cheats from competing on a running track anywhere ever again? Yes we can.
Can we, Middlesbrough FC, rise from out of the smog and cynicism and, through the contributions of the many, from the piggy-banks of Portrack Lane to the grand front gates of Guisborough, from the careworn Nannas of Nunthorpe to the hopeful urchins of Hartburn, (or at least get a man with more disposable income than King Midas).
Can we, the Boro, ascend the Premier League as though it were a ladder to heaven, and reign supreme over the big corporations that for so long have ruled our world and put wealth, greed and self-interest above those that would watch it?
Can we rouse the rugby league teams to pick the pockets of the kangaroos? No we can't.
Can we expect Iain Dowie to hold down a job for more than a couple of weeks? No.
Get the offside law sorted out? No.
Crikey, that's the Obama effect over... I'm going to drown me sorrows over a pint or two of local ale and cheer meself up by watching re-runs of JT's penalty last May.