Tyne will Tel
So let's get this straight. Keegan departs through a curtain of banners yelling 'Cockney Mafia Out'. Ashley says he's off but in the meantime he'll keep the thing going. And who does he find as a possible candidate? Mr Lahndon hisself.
Mr Pearly White Smile and a duck 'n' a dive. Mr Lorr Luvvaduck. El Tel. The venerable Venables. How Cockney can you get? Who's next on the board, Chas 'n' Dave? (Although if they were brought in, it'd only be a matter of weeks before they're on a podium in the centre of St. James' Park singing 'There ain't no pleasing you!' to the Gallowgate End).
Course, Venables has made himself into something of a Red Adair of English football and I'm sure the Toon Army, while not exactly unscrolling banners saying 'Cockney Geezers In!' will at least welcome someone who, when it comes to football, knows a bit about what he's talking about.
Teflon Venables also comes with a non-stick guarantee as far as any muck that's flying around is concerned.
Despite numerous insinuations of him operating in the shadier areas of our national game, nothing's been proved and he continues to twinkle away like a straight Dale Winton, all tan and teeth.
At the Boro he did his best to keep Bryan Robson's team standing up. And of course just recently he was - and God knows who would want this job description on your CV - Steve McClaren's number two.
Not that he seemed to get too much flak from the debacle, even though that hopeless 5-3-2 in Zagreb was reckoned to be something to do with him.
Newcastle's directors may well be the most desperate men in the country but it seems like they've hit on a policy for managerial selections. Find some ex-England managers, put their names in a hat, pull one out, see if he's free, sober and Messianic, and then offer him the job.
They've already got shot of Sir Bobby and KK so it's inevitable that Tel, Glenn, and Sven will be on their list.
Sven might be up for it. At least he'll have more job security than the last time he managed a club. Glenn has the biblical credentials, although after a couple of weeks of brow-beating from the barcodes it might just make him wonder what the hell he did in a previous life to deserve such treatment.
Maybe they'll try and propagate a mixture of the three - Glenn Svenables may sound like a hideous malformed mess of a man but then surely that makes him perfect material for Newcastle United as we speak.
On the pitch, they get no better. It's all right Hughton and Owen doing their best to tell everyone that the players will concentrate on the things that they can take care of, namely playing football. But it all rings a bit hollow if they're as dire as a Davis Cup men's doubles team when they actually get out on the pitch.
Still at least Ashley will be pleased with the Spurs result, if not the attendance. He reportedly loses millions on HBOS and thousands at St James'. He'd love to offload 120-grand-a-week Owen but unfortunately there's a ban on short selling right now.
As I write we've heard nowt from Tel but to be fair, it's one of the few sensible suggestions that's come out of that club since they ditched Sir Robby Bobson.
We like the bloke on Teesside and even if he wasn't quite God Almighty he was definitely some sort of saviour up here and I'm not looking forward to this Geordie ship righting itself, 'cos at least it takes our minds off our own troubles.
Boro have once again hit the buffers and are not helped by Stewart 'I couldn't hit me own mouth with a sausage roll' Downing's penalty blunders and Pog's horrible lunges.
Meanwhile at the Stadium of Light, Keano's slagging off his own fans for having a moan which is a bit bloody rich. He picks an under-strength team, they underperform, he's under the cosh and the fans get under his skin. That's how footie works, Roy. Still, they won, dammit. And I'm sure Newcastle will win a few more with Tel at the helm.
In fact, I hear the next episode of Eastenders is going to be set in Newcastle.
I can just see Ashley and Venables meeting in a dodgy caff on the corner of the Bigg Market, and haggling over two cappuccino grandes (downed in one by Ashley of course).
Ashley'll be the one in the dark glasses affecting the Geordie accent: "How man, pet, get us a couple more o' them canny cappuccinos, bonny lass, like, man!"
Dennis Wise'll be there, too, peeping out of Ashley's coat pocket and squeaking out guarantees that Tel gets control over transfers. And just to make sure the geezer signs, there'll be Joey Barton assuring Venables that if "you manage the club, I might just be able to manage my anger".
And Tel'll sign the contract, written as it is on the back of a large brown envelope and there'll be a solid handshake, a "Don't you let me dahn!" from Ashley, and a "Leave it aht, you're famlee" from Tel and a "Larvely! I dunno abaht you lot, but I fancy getting right wallied on a 'alf dozen mojitos! Wallop!" from Dennis.
But just before the final drumbeat, an enormous Humvee pulls up outside the caff, a window is wound down and a loud Nigerian voice is heard to shout "Ashley! You've got 24 hours to accept the offer, or we go off and buy Tottenham instead! 24 hours, Ashley! 24 hours!"
And sitting in the back seat next to the huge Nigerian is a smaller man with familiar, maniacal face. The window closes again and we hear a voice saying: "I'd love it, LOVE it, if we beat them now!"
I'm Derek Robson. People call me Robbo. Legend has it I was raised in the furnace and smog of Teesside. Some might say I took the hard road. I like to tell folk I had trials for Middlesbrough, for Hartlepool and for burglary (not guilty). I've always loved sport. My job is to say it as I see it - whether it's in the bar of the Blue Bell or on this blog. You won't find me calling a spade a soil-redistribution implement.
© MMIX~RS~q~RS~~RS~z~RS~21~RS~)
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Top stuff robbo
I often wonder what my mates and i will talk about down the pub if Spurs and newcastle ever get there act together.We would get bored with laughing at Leeds every week.
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away robbo call yourself a boro fan u cant even spell stewie downings name right!!!
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"He'd love to offload 120-grand-a-week Owen but unfortunately there's a ban on short selling right now."
LOL That's stooping low, Robbo!
Top stuff! Keep it coming!
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finally, something to make me laugh about our whole sorry mess! :)
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"They're ain't no pleasing you"? Stuart Downing?
Do you not prrof-read these things before you post them?! Surely it's 'There' and Stewart?
Anyway, back to the point, Venables is being proposed as an interim manager until the takeover happens. Now I know this means he may last longer than 50% of our previous managers, what with Ashley demanding almost twice what he paid for it, but he is not a permanent placement. At least, that's what we're told.
This Nigerian consortium say they'll bring back King Kev, which presumably means Wise/Jimenez/etc. out. Good. Bring in the Nigerians!
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*sorry, just realised the irony of my previous comment about "prrof-reading". D'OH!
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Teflon Tel is no messiah and an alsoran manager who has never achieved anything of note.
His TV analyses never make me sit up and think....wow he knows what he's talking about, he's noticed something nobody else has or that's a good idea give it a go.
He doesn't inspire me as a leader, more like one of the boys and good company in a wine bar.
Big Sam Allardyce would have turned the club around eventually but was not given the chance. Shearer could probably make a good fist of it but I don't think he wants to risk his and his family's life should it take longer than a couple of weeks to sort the Toon out.
In fact only a true Looney Toon would want to take the job. What about asking jans Lehman...he's a nutter who might just suit and he lives far enough away to escape the fruitcake Geordies
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Eastenders innuendo is class toon fan my self and yes i am a bit down at the mo but hey i cannot wait for the next episode! is kk gonna kill ashley? and is dennis still in the fat mans bed only time will tell
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even as a newcastle fan i find this hugely amusing. plight like this is almost (i said almost) bringing the northeast together in the general pish taking of the southern types who dare to tread on our soil.
still, i'll take tel over the like of O'bleary any day. you just can't help but like the bloke, even if he is a southerer.
Howay the lads
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Ha Ha, Glenn Svenables a horrible malformed mess of a man..... he sounds exactly like my boss whose name is Glenn too! Gonna have to start calling him Glenn Svenables.
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I have finally figured you out Robbo. You hear some news like this, then spend several hours reading all the 606 postings, a bit of the old copy and paste and hey presto a "Robbo column".
Funny columns but hardly any of your own doing.
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this Robbo guy sure has a very interesting bloog thats for sure i like the plain speak! very refreshing .
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MY HAT OFF TO YOU YET AGAIN ROBBO!!TOP DRAW STUFF!!A GIGGLE A SECOND,NEVER MIND MINUTE.I´LL NOT GIVE YOU ANY GRIEF ABOUT "STUART",MORE INTERESTED IN THE COCKNEY GEEZERS PATTER.KEEP IT COMING MATEY!GLAD DAGLEISH OPTED OUT AND PLEASE SAVE US FROM O`BLEARY.EL TEL I SUPPOSE IS THE BETTER OF THE OPTIONS BUT AM STILL AWAITING THE RETURN OF KK,AS MANY OTHERS!!
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IF NEWCASTLE GO FOR TERRY VENABLES THEY WILL GO DOWN TO CHAMPIONSHIP. SO BRING BACK KEVIN KEEGAN
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Top blogging Robbo, Newcastle are a mess, in the words of last nights 5live commentator, they are a club "spiralling out of control". Ashley wants 480 million, he'll be lucky to get £480 at this rate.
Up the boro
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Did anyone actually finish reading this article?
Terry Venables
Shocking at Leeds.
Also helped take Boro down.
McLarens number 2.
In his time maybe but football has moved on and hes now a poor manager.
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I don't think anyone will want to take the Newcastle job, becasue whoever takes it over from Ashely, the board will reinstall Keegan as their manager.
Ashely has to sell the club as soon as possible, otherwise Newcastle will be in big trouble; there is no morale and leadership within the team. The club is dead.
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Nigerian takeover?
They will be asking Ashley for his bank account and pin numbers, and having him cash some of their 'special' travelers cheques no doubt.
Believe this when you see it.
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Best football blog I've ever read. Class. Brilliant.
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Tell Mike Ashley I'll buy the club for £5 and a Mars bar.
And don't worry Geordies I'd bring Keegan back...
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Don't get me wrong, El Tel is a legend and it would be brilliant to see such a character back in football. BUT... I can't help but thinking that this would be a step in the wrong direction for Newcastle.
Ashley is looking to cut his losses and run (can't blame him - if I had 50 odd thousand Geordies baying for my blood I wouldn't stray north of the Equator) and when he goes, so will Venables.
Now Terry (being Terry) will make a big impression and will change the way Newcastle play, so just as the players are getting used to playing Tel's way the club will be sold and the new boss will come in meaning even more upheaval...
I would suggest keeping Chris Hughton in as caretaker but he is way out of his depth and Newcastle don't look like getting anything out of games with him in charge.
If Terry does come in he's got to make as little impact as he possibly can, leaving the next boss a blank canvas to shape as he pleases.
To be honest, I think Newcastle are in trouble either way which is a terrible shame because they are the best fans in the country.
Roll on the new buyer!!
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Nice one Robbo,
The summer break did you good mate . . . . the last few rants have been top dollar. Watched the Toon last night, on the the telly like . . . . I think there was more people in our "hoose" than in Sid James Park . . . that'll not pay EL Tels wages. Anybody know the way to Southampton?
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Robbo old son, the Cockney banners appeared AFTER the Messiah left not during. If Ashley had put his hand in his pocket for players rather than nightclub champagne and bets on HBOS then KK would still be there and this would have been a story in an alternative universe narrated by Stephen 'Keep talking' Hawking
(Somehow I sense you may use that line and you are welcome to it) and Carl Sagan. In fact how about getting thiose two in as the next management team? Carl as defensive coach 'Just put the goddamn ball into orbit Colloccini' while Hawking talks a good game yet is a bit immobile. Couldn't be worse than the present team could it.
Yes I know Sagan is dead but he's a better motivator than Chris 'Put the boot in' Hughton (again... you can have that one, which is what Coloccini says to a Russian striker).
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lol. Funny stuff... at least some people are lookin at the whole thing with their head screwed on properly.
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This is another rumour circulating..
Tony Blair has apparently confided in some of his close friends that he thinks what Newcastle needs is a mediator to sort out the mess between Ashley and the supporters. He thinks that if the fans could show some remorse for the way they have hounded Ashley and Ashley could apologise for the problems he has caused and make a clear statement directly to the fans that he wants to sort the mess out, the following could be achieved. 1) a new manager could be found, who would not see St James as a career graveyard. 2) The team could get some stability and play to their strengths, which would lift them out of danger. 3) Ashley would be able to sell the club quicker and get some value for his shares, which at the moment are plummeting in value.
Blair thought that someone like Bobby Robson who has the support of everyone in the game would be a good mediator as he would fairly reflect what is good for the club and is trustworthy. His friends stated the obvious that Robson is too ill to take on such a task, but suggested Blair should do it himself, as he is a lifelong fan of the club, and an act like this would only help his own public profile. Apparently Blair was not completely adverse to the idea, but would need to be approached to do it.
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Very enjoyable Robbo!
Wise and El Tel are old mates, but El Tel simply won't ever again have people above him Teling him who he must sell... won't happen, even in black n white with $$$s spraying about everywhere...
Even Grantham would be a better prospect if Ven needs a new challenge...
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Number 2 - I think Downing spells it 'Stewart' mate. Call yourself a Boro fan!
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Apologies. I think it may have appeared as Stuart when it first went up... must have gone through someone else's unBoro'ed hands first. Shocking.
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Just confirmed: El Tel declines....
What did I say!!! Good man!
Maybe Wise now, or even... Robby Bobson???
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I wonder if the Nigerians' offer is dependent on a £295 goodwill payment, to free up frozen assets in their offshore bank account...
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'the best fans in the world'.....yawn! i really think it is time to stop spouting this myth. Geordie fans are no more loyal, supportive or knowledgeable than the rest.
None of us knows exactly what has gone on behind the scenes but if you believe anything from Ashley's recent statements then the type of players Keegan was looking to purchase were absurd.
I wish NUFC all the best but it is going to take more than a change of manager and even owner to bring about success. How many owners and managers since the last meaningful silverware?
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@TheChosenOne1989
Venables saved Boro from going down that's why he's popular on Teesside.
What have you been chosen for? Reincarnation as a football fan I hope.
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I thought Mike AShley was a businessman.
Since he wants shot of Newcastle, sack Wise bring back KK, give him total control of football afairs and make the fans happy.
He couldn`t buy any players until January
anyway.
Eat Humble pie for a month or two and offload the club.
Good business practice and Very good for Newcastle United
ManU supporter
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Can't wait for the Nigerian takeover. The Mags will soon wish Ashley was back, as the roof disappears then the seats followed by the turf.
It wil be a big pile of Wahal - the Nigerian for s***
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Can't wait for the Nigerian takeover. The Mags will soon wish Ashley was back, as the roof disappears then the seats followed by the turf.
It wil be a big pile of Wahala - the Nigerian for s***
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The funniest and most brilliant blog I've read here. Newcastle couldn't be funnier if David Brent took over - don't rule it out!
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this aint the same Robbo author as last season.
it's someone else, no doubt about it. the style is far too different, but it's still gr8
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Oh dear, El Tel turned it down. Even a second rate failure of a manager won't touch Newcastle. Now they are considering Hoddle and O'leary. Oh dear, Oh dear.
The Newcastle fans seriously shot themselves in the foot on that one. The Toon Army has got to realise KK walking was about his ego, not the good of Newcastle. Alienating 'the Cockney Mafia' shows a level of xenophobism that any person outside of Newcastle will steer clear of.
Great article thouh Robbo, had me chuckling, even if it was plagiarised ;-)
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Back on form Robbo! Only criticism is too many phoenetics for me - I'm not English, so it takes me a while to figure out what you're saying, which takes the edge off the humour.
But is it only 'boro fans who think Tel's great? Apparently he didn't want people to think he was after Ashleys money. I find that hard to believe - Tel's as bent as the Crooked Mans Crooked stick! He's screwed every club he's been at. (EuroPaddy is an armchair Pompey fan).
I know they come in for a lot of stick from some people, but you've got to feel for the Newcastle fans. This is a big mess, and unfortunately I don't see it being cleared up in the immediate future.
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Funny ol' game innit..
Mike Ashley, loved by the fans because he stood on the terraces with them, got them home when the trains were cancelled (and bought the beer), idolised for asking the fans which manager they wanted, and then delivering him.
Tries to run the club like a business (now, there is a novel idea! Run a PLC like a business). which would have given a long term future to the club. And some hope of sustainable success.
Now vilified by those same fans. They want him out. So he is trying to sell the club and get out. Even that doesn't satisfy them. Why should he lose money? Most people are petty enough that they would just crap on the club from a great height. Maybe selling the club to Nigerians will have that effect.
I wonder that had the team performed on the pitch (and they do have a decent squad) and won a few matches how things would now stand.
Surely Keegan, Houghton, and the players, who all seem to have escaped the flying smelly stuff, should shoulder some of the responsibility. After all, if Wise and co buy a player, does it mean Keegan has to play him? Can he not just leave him in the reserves? Give him a Carling Cup outing to stave off criticism from the board. Wise and co would sooner or later get the message.
Was Keegan ever likely to see the job through once the going got tough?
And who in their right mind would take on the managers job at this time. Only one who is seeking a decent length contract with a healthy pay out when he is shown the door! So much for commitment, and a desire to do a good job.
As for a Nigerian consortium buying the club. Shudder. And this is seen as a good thing by the fans? Thank God I am not a NUFC fan! Oh, I support Spurs, so what gives me the right to preach lol. I used not to like Newcastle, but now they have my every sympathy.
At the end of the day I hope the fans have a club to support. Having Ashley might be thought to be a bad thing, having no club at all in Newcastle would be a disaster. I guess it could happen over the next few years if this situation deteriorates further. Turbulent times ahead for the club. It will make for interesting reading. Good luck NUFC.
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The faith that Newcastle fans have in Keegan is admirable. However, I don't understand it. They all seem to be clamouring for his return but if they actually sit down in the cold-light of day and think about things; could this faith just be a crutch to hang on to while the rest of the club is falling apart?
I love the Geordies, however, I think the fans have to share some of the blame for this situation. They hounded Allardyce out, for what? For things to go from not actually that bad:- to worse.
Maybe if the fans hadn't demanded this attacking football they all seem to think they played every game under KK and gave Big Sam a chance, they woundn't be a shambles.
Why is it that fans and the media see a few good attacking games with lots of goals and then look back through misty glasses thinking every game was like that? It's the same as when people used to think summers were warmer and longer; I remember some stinkers when I was a kid.
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why does anybody think Venables is any good as a manager. in a managerial career spanning 27 years he has won 2 trophies and his much feted spell at Middlesbrough saw the club win 7 out of 25 games when he was in charge and had it not been for a highly unlikely victory at arsenal late in the season the side would probably have been relegated
and as for england -2 wins at euro 96 on home soil said it all.
whenever Venables managerial career is discussed it always comes doen to the 4-1 victory against Holland in 96 (the dutch were in disarray by the way)-you would think a career soanning Palace (twice) QPR. Barcelona. Spurs, Portsmouth,Australia, Leeds there would be something more but hey we could always talk about the 86 european cup final-probably the worst high profile game of football of all time where Barce could even beat a team of Rumanians on home soil !!
Venables is still championed by his dwindling band of supporters in the press such as Jeff Powell or Joe Lovejoy but thankfully most people no longer believe any rubbish written about him saying what a good manager he is
HE ISNT AND NEVER HAS BEEN
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Hey Robbo don't try and bring us into this sorry state of affairs.
In Keane's own words 1 or 2 had a go at him, suddenly the gutter press say he's slagging off all Sunderland supporters.
As for Newcaslte they dodged another bullet there methinks, although El Tel isn't kidding anybody "I didn't want to take the money and run". That's exactly what he did at Portsmouth, Boro, Leeds and Crystal Palace. Let's not forget that his club managerial results have not exactly been stellar since the early nineties.
You couldn't exactly see him being welcomed with open arms could you?
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once again, brilliantly funny article robbo! Dunno how ya mind functions but u had me in stitches! As for NUFC, who cares! No matter who comes in, it would be nothing short of a miracle to get those wnkers winning again! Ashley has to sell for a loss if anyone's gonna be seriously interested in buying. So what if no one buys? We'll have a unhappy owner, unhappy fans, unhappy players and heaven knows who the sod will be to take over from hughton. Bet ya he'd be unhappy too, that's when he meets all the sod's involved with NUFC.
Solution: Liquidate the club, promote Derby so that they can go straight back down again!
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Why are the Nigerians short of dosh to give Mashley?
There are so many ex kings in Nigeria willing to share their wealth in exchange for parking their money in your account for a few days.
Time Mashley wisened up!
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45. At 12:12pm on 26 Sep 2008, confusedofcatford wrote:
Why are the Nigerians short of dosh to give Mashley?
---------------------------------------------
They haven't extorted enough funds from gov officials yet!
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Well, well, well!! Not Tel after all - Joe Kinnear has just been appointed; he's a decent bloke and he knows it's short term, I think he'll be fine as interim. No big name were ever going to take it, were they? :))
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Once again you bring up 3-5-2 in Croatia - WHAT IS UR PROBLEM ROBBO?
We lost playing 3-5-2 in Croatia. We also lost at home playing 4-4-2.
Why is 1 result due to the formation and not the other? We have also had good results playing 3-5-2 (when we qualified for France 98 by drawing in Rome, for example).
I appreciate it's just an opinion, but until uneducated park players such as urself accept that u are have no understanding or knowledge of tactics / formations, etc. please stop repeating ur propaganda.
Every time croatia or venables is mentioned it's "don't forget that 3-5-2 in Croatia". These sort of attitudes are keeping England in the dark ages. Please, please stop it - u don't know what ur talking about...
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Most loyal and best fans?
Shame they can't support their team when the going gets tough.
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That new manager doesn't sound that bad. I don't know much about him but he won the FA cup with old wimbledon and thats no mean feat.
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Lest we forget
3-5-2 in Croatia
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