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The gospel according to St James's part II

Robbo Robson | 10:54 UK time, Friday, 5 September 2008

A while back, when Keegan came again to Newcastle, some bloke handed me a pamphlet called 'The gospel according to St. James's'.

Some of you enjoyed it, others struggled to read it because some of the words came in a different order to how we use them nowadays and it was a little too much for your brains when you're only having a quick shufti at a footy blog while you should be bloody well working.

Any road, it turns out that this fella didn't give me the whole story, so here's Part II. You Magpies must be gagging for a guy like Gibbo up there.

"And lo, King Kev didst stay amongst the throng that did mass in black and in white in the land of tabs and birds and bottles o' dog.

"For many long nights did he vow to rest there. And though points were scarce yet he held his faith and by and by there came a front three of Viduka, Martins and Owen, and much joy didst they bring. And King Kev did open his arms to the sick, the stupid, and the sinful (well, Joey Barton, really) and all would be well on the Tyne.

"But unto the place there came a Wise Man. He, short of stature and narrow of eye, arriveth. His voice was most strange, such as a second-hand car dealer might use, and he did say such things as 'Leave it aht, give over, you're fammlee!'

"And the Wise man, who didst nought but ducketh and diveth, didst anoint himself Director of Football. Then was King Kev thrown into despair, for, thought he, if I do not direct football then what the hell am I here for? And lo, though Terry Mac didst him beseech to 'calm down' King Kev was sore o'erwrought.

"He sought out his master, he that is known as His lardship Ashley, possessed of wealth beyond imagination and supernatural powers such that he can turn beer into thin air before one's eyes.


"And lo, the Lard didst speak, and he did say unto Kev: 'Much trusted wert thou but then didst thou turn upon thy own kind and speak of the utter hopelessness of our ever conquering the Big Four Horsemen of the Premier League.

"And much shame didst thou bring upon us with thy reality check. And hast thou not solved the centre-back problem? And is't not yon Michaelowen so much unwell that we might as well sell him to West Ham, where all are crocked or sold? Nay, then shall we and the little Wise man take from thee all that thou hadst save the name of Manager.'

"Then didst King Kev fall upon'st the sod (not Ashley, the ground) and didst from his pram throw many toys. And he did cry unto his Master 'Lard, Lard, why hast thou forsaken me?'

"For 'tis true that when he returned to his home of St. James's, he found the window has closed and no Milner could be found, for lost was he to the right hand of O'Neill.

"And word from East Lands came, where once the mighty Kev had lived and done yet another runner. There, many riches had poured into the lap of one they called Sparky, who didst not know what the hell was going on himself but seemed dead chuffed any road, and even then knew'st more than one Robinho, who still thinkest he is with Chelsea - the dimwit. And King Kev wept.

"And the skies darkened and the sky split with lightning and those that would defend King Kev didst fall to the ground in dismay and howl unto the Gate of Gallow: 'Alas, when will a canny fella come along and throw a shedload of cash at us?'

And Ashley was condemned to Hull whence he did wear his Magpie shirt with the same name upon the back, only now there was an apostrophe in front of it so it read: 'KING KEV.

"And thus unto the wilderness were cast the Magpies, there to faff about pretending to be a football club. And none of the powerful shall discuss the elephant in the room, not least the elephant in the room, the lard Ashley.

"And years shall pass, more fallow than before, years when Big Sam didst seem an entertainer most excellent, and even Roeder didst seem to speak with the voice of angels.

"And more shall come, the Moyes and the Deschamps, the Sven and Houllier, but none shall stay, for as anyone can foretell, a manager cannot manage if his balls are no in his own court but in the grip of some pint-sized Cockney.

"But then the disciples saw anew the true Messiah. And it was not Kev. It was he that didst lounge with the Lawro and hide with the Hansen, in shirts most bizarre that he must shop at the same gaff as Graham Norton.

"And all shall come before him, yea even the Wise man and the Lard Ashley. And many wives shall be offered in sacrifice, aye and families too. And the army of Toon shall wait at the Gate of Gallow in the land of St.James's til the bell that tolls the end of the world crying 'Shearer! Shearer! Shearer!'"


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