The gospel according to St James's part II
A while back, when Keegan came again to Newcastle, some bloke handed me a pamphlet called 'The gospel according to St. James's'.
Some of you enjoyed it, others struggled to read it because some of the words came in a different order to how we use them nowadays and it was a little too much for your brains when you're only having a quick shufti at a footy blog while you should be bloody well working.
Any road, it turns out that this fella didn't give me the whole story, so here's Part II. You Magpies must be gagging for a guy like Gibbo up there.
"And lo, King Kev didst stay amongst the throng that did mass in black and in white in the land of tabs and birds and bottles o' dog.
"For many long nights did he vow to rest there. And though points were scarce yet he held his faith and by and by there came a front three of Viduka, Martins and Owen, and much joy didst they bring. And King Kev did open his arms to the sick, the stupid, and the sinful (well, Joey Barton, really) and all would be well on the Tyne.
"But unto the place there came a Wise Man. He, short of stature and narrow of eye, arriveth. His voice was most strange, such as a second-hand car dealer might use, and he did say such things as 'Leave it aht, give over, you're fammlee!'
"And the Wise man, who didst nought but ducketh and diveth, didst anoint himself Director of Football. Then was King Kev thrown into despair, for, thought he, if I do not direct football then what the hell am I here for? And lo, though Terry Mac didst him beseech to 'calm down' King Kev was sore o'erwrought.
"He sought out his master, he that is known as His lardship Ashley, possessed of wealth beyond imagination and supernatural powers such that he can turn beer into thin air before one's eyes.
"And lo, the Lard didst speak, and he did say unto Kev: 'Much trusted wert thou but then didst thou turn upon thy own kind and speak of the utter hopelessness of our ever conquering the Big Four Horsemen of the Premier League.
"And much shame didst thou bring upon us with thy reality check. And hast thou not solved the centre-back problem? And is't not yon Michaelowen so much unwell that we might as well sell him to West Ham, where all are crocked or sold? Nay, then shall we and the little Wise man take from thee all that thou hadst save the name of Manager.'
"Then didst King Kev fall upon'st the sod (not Ashley, the ground) and didst from his pram throw many toys. And he did cry unto his Master 'Lard, Lard, why hast thou forsaken me?'
"For 'tis true that when he returned to his home of St. James's, he found the window has closed and no Milner could be found, for lost was he to the right hand of O'Neill.
"And word from East Lands came, where once the mighty Kev had lived and done yet another runner. There, many riches had poured into the lap of one they called Sparky, who didst not know what the hell was going on himself but seemed dead chuffed any road, and even then knew'st more than one Robinho, who still thinkest he is with Chelsea - the dimwit. And King Kev wept.
"And the skies darkened and the sky split with lightning and those that would defend King Kev didst fall to the ground in dismay and howl unto the Gate of Gallow: 'Alas, when will a canny fella come along and throw a shedload of cash at us?'
And Ashley was condemned to Hull whence he did wear his Magpie shirt with the same name upon the back, only now there was an apostrophe in front of it so it read: 'KING KEV.
"And thus unto the wilderness were cast the Magpies, there to faff about pretending to be a football club. And none of the powerful shall discuss the elephant in the room, not least the elephant in the room, the lard Ashley.
"And years shall pass, more fallow than before, years when Big Sam didst seem an entertainer most excellent, and even Roeder didst seem to speak with the voice of angels.
"And more shall come, the Moyes and the Deschamps, the Sven and Houllier, but none shall stay, for as anyone can foretell, a manager cannot manage if his balls are no in his own court but in the grip of some pint-sized Cockney.
"But then the disciples saw anew the true Messiah. And it was not Kev. It was he that didst lounge with the Lawro and hide with the Hansen, in shirts most bizarre that he must shop at the same gaff as Graham Norton.
"And all shall come before him, yea even the Wise man and the Lard Ashley. And many wives shall be offered in sacrifice, aye and families too. And the army of Toon shall wait at the Gate of Gallow in the land of St.James's til the bell that tolls the end of the world crying 'Shearer! Shearer! Shearer!'"
I'm Derek Robson. People call me Robbo. Legend has it I was raised in the furnace and smog of Teesside. Some might say I took the hard road. I like to tell folk I had trials for Middlesbrough, for Hartlepool and for burglary (not guilty). I've always loved sport. My job is to say it as I see it - whether it's in the bar of the Blue Bell or on this blog. You won't find me calling a spade a soil-redistribution implement.
© MMIX~RS~q~RS~~RS~z~RS~00~RS~)
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"and even Roeder didst seem to speak with the voice of angels"
Thats is very true, made me laugh.
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Wonderful.
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thanks for that
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Are we expected to read that? not up to usual standard sorry!
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thar was great. a bit wierd at first but it grows on you. well done robert
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ROTFLMAO
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Freddy of Greggs- you are an idiot! Why does everyone think they're a born journalist?!
Nice article Robbo, made me chuckle!
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Oh Robbo, thank you for that. I had tears of uncontrollable laughter before the end.
I really hope that this season will herald a rebellion and by the end when so many managers have walked (2 down so far...)they might return and be allowed to actually manage.
Money can't buy class or football management accumen, these big boys with all the dosh should stop trying to play with the toys they've bought and allow the guys who now how to just get on with it....
There again...
What price Jose M for City next season...???
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Good work that pamphleteer. I'm sure he'll have enought for a book soon.
I look forward to Act III when we find out if it is a comedy or a tradegy, or inevitably both.
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Brilliant!
My only comment on the NUFC situation is that I am eternally grateful that my team operate and probably always will operate in the football league and not in premiership fantasyland. At least we have a grip on reality.
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LOL :-))
have u still got Pt 1++
Kan u mail it to me ???
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Absolutely brilliant. Can you do all your stuff in the same way? 'Cos even rubbish would sound good done like that!!
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And who said football was boring and unpredictable????
Being an NUFC fan i am kept entertained thoroughly all year round!
All i can really say on the matter though is that if Wise takes charge, will actually start supporting Newcastle Falcons RFC, purely on the grounds they have more chance of winning the footy premiership!!!
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richthehammer - You've been critical of what I said about this lame joke of an article, and you called me an idiot.
What gives you the right to call me that? If everyone thinks they're a journalist surely your comment makes you equally so.
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another tedius display Robbo.
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As a toon fan i am disappointed by the events over the past few days, with all the rumour, speculation and media crucifixion of my club... but i did have a bit of a giggle readin this
thanks robbo
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sack robbo!!!!!
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Brilliant Robbo, keep up the good work
Put a smile on my face, although that has been there since Monday when City were bought by the Abu Daby
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"Then didst King Kev fall upon'st the sod and didst from his pram throw many toys"
Spot on Robbo
When the news broke another broadcaster reported "sensational news from St. James Park"
I don't think KK walking out on a club really qualifies as news anymore never mind sensational news
All together now
"Cheer up Kevin Keegan, oh what can it mean....."
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Hilarious!!
Thinking about reading it to the literature class I teach to give them a break from the Shakespeare.
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Cheers Robbo, I needed a laugh.
Supporting this club would be funny if it wasn't quite as tragic. Some teams seem to exist for the entertainment of other clubs' supporters, like Derby last year.
But at least their fans coud feel the blessed relief of relegation! Eight in eleven years...it's nearly a summer job for students: bar work, waiting tables, grape picking in France, office temping, Italian prime minister, Newcastle manager.
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Robbo, that was hilarious. Ignore all these Buzz Killington's.
FreddyOfGreggs: 'I hope you have no family' - flippin' hell mate, grow up would you!
'KING KEV - lmao!
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Freddy of Greggs- you are an idiot! Why does everyone think they're a born journalist?!
------------------
Everyone is a born journalist.
But most of us grow up.
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oop
thats not meant to be a swipe at Robbo here. just at Sun type journalists....
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'king Kev
"And Ashley was condemned to Hull whence he did wear his Magpie shirt with the same name upon the back, only now there was an apostrophe in front of it so it read: 'KING KEV."
Priceless!
I haven't laughed so much since I trod on the cat.
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That last paragraph is brilliant.
"And many wives shall be offered in sacrifice, aye and families too. And the army of Toon shall wait at the Gate of Gallow in the land of St.James's til the bell that tolls the end of the world crying 'Shearer! Shearer! Shearer!'"
My goodness, it actually sounds Biblical.
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Lo Robbo, truly thou are blessed amongst men .Nice work lad.
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Hilarious!
I think I may be fired I was laughing so much...
"There, many riches had poured into the lap of one they called Sparky, who didst not know what the hell was going on himself but seemed dead chuffed any road,"
Priceless!
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Very, very funny!
I feel sorry for the Geordies, particularly because its got to be a racing certaintity that old misery guts shearer will take over.
The Geordies are a nice bunch and deserve a manager who will put a smile on their face - not something shearer knows about as he's still grumpy after realising that not signing for Man Utd meant he has got 25 cases of Brasso he's never going to use!
I suppose it could be worse - they could get landed with Mark Lawrenson who makes misery guts Shearer look like a regualr ray of sunshine!
Having said that, Newcastle's current Director of Football, Mr Denis Wise always seems to be smiling. Is that because
a) he's too thick to realise that he's hated
b) he truly believes brown shoes should be worn with blue trousers
c) he's an arrogant little man with no style, class or undertanding of the fine tradition of Geordie football but does understand the benefits attached to polishing the seat of a muti-millionaire yob who owns the club and thinks it is acceptable to be seen to guzzle a pint a beer at a match?
All that said, Keegan isn't much of a manager really. Not in the same mould as SAF, Wenger, etc. Nice enough chap but not a real manager.
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Oh, Robbo.... you make me smile....lovely piece of work......even though my first reaction to the KK news was that I just felt sad. I remember feeling optimism when Michael Owen decided on Newcastle.... (even though I am a Liverpool fan) ---
as for calling for Shearer, he already thinks he's God.... how appropriate!
Thanks again, Robbo, for bringing some laughter into a chaotic scene.
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Here's something to mull over.
An anagram of Dennis Wise is snide swine.
How about that!!
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aw heck! anagrams,,, it's all down hill for this blog,, Gus Poyet 'es top guy' for snide swine. taxi', i'm getting my hat n coat on and outa here.
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As a Newcastle fan, I did find this amusing (mostly!)
However...
"And years shall pass, more fallow than before, years when Big Sam didst seem an entertainer most excellent,"
Trust me, this is one thing that will never happen!
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ninewood you spoilsport!
If you had said "now I done" rather than that you were outa here you would have been using......................................
yep you guessed it.......................
an anagram of your blog name!
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Top Dollar Robbo . . .
Robbo for Toon Manager
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This blog is simply genius.
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Thanks Robbo - Hats off to you sir.
Found it quite amusing, and not the incomprehensible mess of "them grammar thingies" that some seem to be accusing you of.
There is no accounting for taste.
They are probably just jealous that only three people ever reply to their 606 posts and don't even bother to rate them...
I wonder if you will be hailed as a prophet when your prediction of the second coming of Alan comes to pass?
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EXCELLENT BLOG ROBBO!!whilst the sun shines in most of the UK,
Geordieland is forever under a black cloud.The "lovelyswissboy" must realise that we know KK isn´t a great manager or taction but with his passion/enthusiasm brought some brightness to our game!!your anagram of Dennis Wise was/is PRICELESS!!nice one Cyril!!
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Robbo, what a load of absolutely rubbish
But in my book, very funny rubbish which was a worthwhile waste of my time
it is a pity that ashley adn wise had to mess it all up, i would rather have keegan anyday.
and thats from a pompey fan!
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The multitude do pleadeth with the kindly Kev "come back from thy wildnerness and giveth us the joy of thy presence". They do beseach the Lard with harshness of voice but their pleadings falleth upon deaf ears......King Kev hath gone to a much finer place........
Well done Robbo -- very drole
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Thank you for this most excellent piece of...
Hm. I don't even know what it is.
But thanks!
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Fantastic. Makes me laugh every time I read it.
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You have too much free time, Robbo, or are paid too much...
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Well done. Funny stuff.
Newcastle is such a soap opera. Much better viewing than all the other tepid soap operas aired on tv.
But be prepared, like every soap opera, today's villains are tomorrow's fools, and tomorrow's fools may in some future episode become heroes.
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...methinks Robbo has a source better likened to that Bard of the West Stuart Hall.
More than worthy of any belly laugh from him though.
A most excellent piece.
Shocking subject though, absolutely shocking !
By the way - where are we going to get all these orange shirts from for the Hull match - I didn't realise orange had ever been "this seasons colour" for the average footie fan !
The management's sh*te - the protest's orange !
see you there...
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For thos wishing to see part one, it can be found here
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/606/A31226005
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One day Robbo , you will see the light and start drinking in the Master Cooper and not The Bluebell. This move towards a brighter life with less sarcasm and less harsh criticism of the poor Geordies who suffer daily from their misguided beer swilling Chairman. Talk about kicking a poor sod who is already on the ground and taking much punishment. Every cloud has a silver lining and with the grey haired Messiah firmly out the way there leaves a great big silver lining for Mr Alan Shearer to take over. This is the reality of the situation in what was becoming a fictious , comical scenario that was always going to be open to public mickey taking. There but for the grace of God goes us all. I remember the dark days at Ayresome Park when the gates were locked and no one had a shilling to get them opened up again; I remember the days when the so called faithful were chanting at Robbo "You don't know what you're doing, you don't know what you're doing". I remember that lad running on the pitch at The Riverside and thowing his season ticket stub at Mclaren. I rememebr much sadness at The Boro e.g. when Wolves and Barnsley beat us in the F A Cup quarter finals. I had to comfort my lad at Wembley on numerous occassions when we lost the League Cup X 2 and the F A Cup..so what on earth is driving you to write such a piece? It could have been us...but it isn't ...praise The Lord and God save Mr Gibson and Saint Southgate and the glorious Mr Colin Cooper. By the way when the barcodes do get Shearer then we are all in trouble as I think he will be as good as Southgate for the Magpies. UTB.
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hero3279 - ask heroes 1 to 3278 for a translation, son.
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absolute genius!
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"And lo, though Terry Mac didst him beseech to 'calm down' King Kev was sore o'erwrought."
"And though points were scarce yet he held his faith and by and by there came a front three of Viduka, Martins and Owen, and much joy didst they bring."
"for as anyone can foretell, a manager cannot manage if his balls are no in his own court but in the grip of some pint-sized Cockney."
ROFLMAO
Well done Robbo :)
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Not forgetting...
""He sought out his master, he that is known as His lardship Ashley, possessed of wealth beyond imagination and supernatural powers such that he can turn beer into thin air before one's eyes."
LOL
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Robbo for Prime Minister!!!!!
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Robbo is always value for money :D.
Nice one old timer!
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Very good. I always enjoy this blog.
Surely you could have got "much wailing and gnashing of teeth" in their somewhere though?
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Very funny.
"...in the grip of some pint-sized Cockney"
So, so funny.
But as a Newcastle fan, the sad fact is is that it's true :'(
"Lard Ashley." Genius.
I gunna stop now.
To those people who thought this article wasn't funny; or broke some mythical "serious journalsim" law...get a life losers!
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Missed it on first reading but when I did spot it, I ruptured my spleen laughing. "And Ashley was condemned to Hull whence he did wear his Magpie shirt with the same name upon the back, only now there was an apostrophe in front of it so it read: 'KING KEV.
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and you get paid for copying and pasting all that into an article??? what a joke
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Are the last three words of the gospel prophecy?
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Awesome Robbo. Tears in my eyes from laughing so much
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I am always quick to rubbish your blog. This however was exactly the right way to go about it, as the usual words wouldnt have sufficed to do so.
Well done, best article since the food one.
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You spelt "St. James'" wrong, mate.
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very very funny, even my distraught OH laughed out loud.
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'King Kev! Fantastic!!!
" There, many riches had poured into the lap of one they called Sparky, who didst not know what the hell was going on himself but seemed dead chuffed any road"
This is so true! I swear Sparky either thinks he's ended up in some sort of surreal Lewis Carroll novel or that that pint he had the other night was stronger than he thought!
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great robbo please do another one it was so funny keep up the good work
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Ayone who has folowed Newcastle United over the past 50 years must be aware that the senario presently being presented at the club is only the latest of a long line of similar situations. When I did my National Service 500 yards up the road from St James's Park between 1954 and 1956, the then manager Stan Seymour fell out with the team captain Frank Brennan because the latter opened a soprts shop in Newcastle in competition to Stan Seymour who also had the major sports shop in the city. Brennan was dropped then put on the transfer list. Brennan was extremely popular with the fans and, as a result, there were ructions from the fans.
The difference then was the fact that in 1955, Newcastle lifted the FA Cup. I think this was the last time, a major domestic trophy was won. What a disgrace for such a large club. Part of the reason I believe is for some reason, Newcastle seems to attract a series of owners with dubious backgrounds and moral standards.
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I did something similar to this after the Carling Cup win for Spurs, taking the michael somewhat.
Glad to see I'm an inspiration...haha.
Good one Robbo, good for a giggle.
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Listen, I don't like raisins or liver for that matter. So, guess what? I don't eat raisins or liver. I don't keep coming back to a source of raisins every week, eat a load and then moan that I don't like it, week in, week out, it's what separates us from Invertebrates and the French, we learn.
That's what we have here, people who continually moan that Robbo is rubbish or think that they could do better. It's not easy turning out quality stuff week in, week out. Ask Clarkson. But the muppets who sit back and carp and still come back to moan thinking that they are in anyway talented makes me almost want to post on HYS.
A curse of Raisin roundee's on all of you nee'sayers.
Nice one Robbo, keep 'em comin', this beats work any way you care to look at it.
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MEMORABLE one Robbo. Truly brilliant stuff. Creative and funny. Rolling in the aisles at the end.
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Utter rubbish from start to finish. Not to mention offensive through it’s lampooning of the Christian religion. As well as been ethnically demeaning to Geordies. Does Robbo think Geordies are thick or stupid? Seems that way. Is Christianity there to be made fun of? Seems that way. Robbo is a religious and ethnic bigot.
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