My vision for 2012's opening ceremony
Having slagged off opening ceremonies before seeing Beijing's effort, you have to say that the Chinese laid on a spectacle that was quite simply unbelievable.
Just when you thought they couldn't fit another 4000 people in the stadium, up they popped. It was like one chunk of magic after another.
In fact it was so blinking perfect you longed for a Chinese Clive Dunn to be just one step behind everyone else just to prove that human beings were involved.
Amazing stuff. Your thoughts are already drifting towards London's grand opening in four years time.
There's no way we could compete, so let's not try. We should certainly be celebrating our culture in the same way as Beijing did but beyond that, the idea of organising 40,000 Brits into one four-hour spectacular is a complete non-starter.
Never mind, the regulars down the Blue Bell have been brainstorming some ideas - you know, blue sky thinking (it's a bit overcast, mind) and really trying to think outside the pub.
First off, you've got to have some of them blokes in busbies going up and down blaring out some tedious old tunes while the rest of suddenly start to appreciate the harmonic delight that is Atomic Kitten. That's the first half hour out the way.
Then you could have a little medley of great moments of British history: a line of brickies drinking tea while Alan Rickman, dressed as the Emperor Hadrian, keeps pointing at his sundial and telling them to "get on with it".
King Harold waiting to get one in the eye, with Phil 'The Power' Taylor throwing the arrows.
Someone like that shrieking-voiced bird off Strictly Come Dancing could choreograph a Merry Men routine with Goughie as Robin Hood and Ramps, Dawson and Colin Jackson doing a bit of mincing too.
Obviously we could go for the giant scroll again with the Magna Carta but as my missus said during the Beijing ceremony, "where do you find a piece of paper that big?";
We're going to need fireworks so let's re-stage the Gunpowder Plot, but I'd make sure the fireworks are done properly, one at a time, by some lucky dad who's won a phone-in competition on This Morning - we could probably have some stage school brats holding sparklers n all just to make it realistic.
Jordan can be Lady Godiva - actually she likes her ponies so we could have a Godiva Show Jumping Event - top naked totty on horseback - it's got to be a winner.
It'd be nice to bring it bang up to date by having a sequence where hundreds of foreigners working for peanuts slowly build a mysterious structure that turns out to be a massive white elephant.
Then I'd get Prince Edward in to host another twerpy It's a Knockout that celebrates British inventions.
Imagine if you will, Princess Michael of Kent and Prince Harry dressed as television sets fighting to be the first one to squeeze inside a red telephone box.
The Queen and the Duke Of Westminster in a keg-rolling contest, the winner being the one who can crack the barrel open and down the contents in one.
Then we'll have a quick look at all that's great about British folk traditions. Pearly kings, sword dances, morris men. That'll take another minute.
And then it's on to the centerpiece of the evening: Phil Schofield and Anne Robinson hosting the great British Olympic Pub Quiz.
An interlude where we have Olympic memories from Kris Akabusi (spectators can pop off for a bevy or a Bovril at this point). Then it's back to the quiz!
And finally we could have a parade of all that's great about life in Britain today. Richard and Judy, warm beer, a 10-foot high stack of cash being pursued by a line of footballers, a massive vat of mushy peas, a bunch of lagery lads floating by on a giant nan bread, and a whole host of WAGs tripping away on five-inch stilettos like emaciated dinosaurs.
Then it's time to light the Olympic flame - mighty Olympians Sir Steve Redgrave, Sir Sebastian Coe (the knighthood's a cert come 2012), Daley Thompson and Bradley Wiggins gathered round a giant barbecue all trying to strike a match in the traditional August rain.
And once they've sent Dwain Chambers off to get some more briquettes, the flame rises to the sky and it's time for the athletes to enter the arena.
Only this time each country has to nominate a singing flag-carrier who has to put his or her flag down to join Denis van Outen and some faceless prat in some karaoke, the winner to be judged by that high-waisted know-all Simon Cowell!
If they can tailor-make the stadium to our national needs there'll be an enormous bar running around the inside of the arena, manned by Australians and serving continental lagers and over-priced hand-cut crisps and the evening will be complete.
Some of you might think that this all lacks ambition but I think as a nation we don't play to our strengths enough. I'm sure Prime Minister Cameron would approve. God help us.
I'm Derek Robson. People call me Robbo. Legend has it I was raised in the furnace and smog of Teesside. Some might say I took the hard road. I like to tell folk I had trials for Middlesbrough, for Hartlepool and for burglary (not guilty). I've always loved sport. My job is to say it as I see it - whether it's in the bar of the Blue Bell or on this blog. You won't find me calling a spade a soil-redistribution implement.
© MMIX~RS~q~RS~~RS~z~RS~22~RS~)
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Not sure you can be Sir Coe once you're already Lord Coe .......
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Popular piece this Robbo!
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Eliminate the fireworks and spend the money on a six-pack under each spectators chair.
It'll transform Friendly Games into You're My Best Mate Games.
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I feel that, with no disrespect to organisers of the 2012 Olympics, if we try to match Beijing's efforts, it will all end in humiliation and disappointment.
China, as a country, have so much more discipline, which is why they completed the Opening Ceremony on Friday without any mistakes. Britain, however, just don't match Chinese standards
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I was about to agree with FoxForever's comment,
but find that my chinese made computer mouse has died.
How does a country that managed such a spectacle make such rubbish tat?!
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It would be funny...but I can see more than a glimmer of the future it what Robbo is saying.
Someone please tell me that the rumour that we are going to using "street music" as the theme is wrong.
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It would be funny...but I can see more than a glimpser of the future in what Robbo is saying.
Someone please tell me that the rumour that we are going to using "street music" as the theme is wrong.
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Nice one Robbo...
The knives are already out for 2012, and to be honest rightly so... We need to act now if we are not to be humiliated...
Those who make decisions at a national level are so out of touch, and trying to take a modern twist (street dance) always looks awful and outdated, even in 6 months time.
You only have to look at the tat we role out for Eurovision to see that!!
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I know you're only poking fun Robbo, but I think this is a perfect opportunity to show what our culture is about. We have big history, something that many countries don't and I'm very proud of that.
Of course we can never match China's display but it's going to be completely different. It really does irritate me how even the majority of the Brittish are saying how crap we are, when we're still 4 years away from the bloody thing!
I'm Brittish and proud of it, I hope they can do us proud.
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There is a quick-fix available...
Like most of the toys and other "what-not" items currently available in our market, why not "import" the entire ceremony from the Chinese?
Atleast they have proven to the world what they capable of...
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The trouble is we're a nation that no longer produces anything, everybody now works in "the financial sector" or call-centres or pushing paper round for the government...
Thus when asked to produce an exciting opening ceremony we will spend the next four years "planning" it, then at the last minute hire a few morris dancers, get some local school kids to recreate Saint George's dragon slaying antics and wheel out Sir Paul McCartney for a good old sing along (God willing he's still around in four years or it'll be the Pussycat Dolls)...
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I have to say that I am completely sick and chuffing tired of people slagging of our country (of which I am fiercely proud, and, were others to think along similar lines, we would be doing so much better), before we have even had a go! Surely that's why we aren't regarded as 'world beaters' any longer? We can and WILL be again - as long as our own people are on our side - there are enough people out there who will gladly slag us off, without us helping them. Let's get together, and make sure that not only the olympics in 2012, but everything we do is 'bigger, better, stronger', by sticking together, and making Britain Great again. Thank you.
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As we've outsourced so much else to China (and its neighbours) why not continue this great British tradition and pay'em to do it better and cheaper? We can then restrict ourselves to a small parade doing what we do best - bingeing and whingeing as demonstrated by the Massed Bands of MPs waving the ceremonial Wads of Fivers as they are driven around stadium in Luxury UK assembled cars (courtesy of our neighbours Germany).
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The fireworks weren't actually 'live'..the shots from outside the stadium with the amazing fireworks were in fact computer-animated pictures..pre-recorded. Still a very good show though..we shouldn't try to replicate it at all..I don't think anyone can mobilise people in the way China can..no other country has got anywhere near that standard so as long as we can say ours was a very good then that's a job well done..I mean no one's taking into account that the Chinese probably haven't heard of the terms 'health and safety' (they're lucky!!) whereas we'll have that to contend with. Let's just hope Brown is long gone by then.
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Sorry to be so pedantic, Mr McHunt - If you are truly proud to be "British" could you not spell it correctly (ie not Brittish)
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We could of course have the good old tradition of the happy hour and extend it for 4 hours. You know, half price WKDs and Bacardi Breezers, followed by the usual spilling over into the streets - so problem solved, just build a bar, plenty of fireworks thereafter.
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You forgot the face painting .............. every event has face painting
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How could you forget "Status Quo". Rockin all over the World will get the games off to a fantastic start. Then we can start our own British Olympics with traditional events like Welly Wagging, guess how many sweets are in the jar........etc. We can even put an olympic take on the good old cocnut shy with medals placed on the cocnuts - Gold being the furthest back and hardest to knock off!! Some more modern events can be added as well ie: Who can jam the biggest sound system into a Vauxhall Nova, who can hang around outside a shop the longest before the fuzz move you along - extra points for amount of Embassy 1's smoked and the number of times you can use the phrase "ain't it"!!
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Maybe just maybe and thats a big maybe... If England were to qualify for Euro 2012 and win the thing (maybe), then they could just parade with the trophy and show the replay of the final... that would be a spectacle never to be beat
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Clearly I am a fool. Rockin' All Over the World by the Quo is a must. And some George and the Dragon action too. I see Sir Cliff Richard as George and Vanessa Feltz as the dragon meself. It's a toss-up but this time I'd let the dragon win.
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we could get a young lass to mime sommat quite easily tho... any of the spice girls'd do, except they're gettin' on a bit
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Classic Robbo! How come we don't rate these anymore, you would get 5 stars from me.
My suggestion, a quick 10 minutes of each sport 'invented' by Britain; football, rugby, cricket, golf (I know), hurling(?), conkers, swimming (prove otherwise), hockey, polo, song contest, beauty contest (hey if diving is a sport, so are these) and I completely agree with It's a Knockout.
I really hope we do it 'tongue in check' cos I remember the Millenium Dome, when we take it seriously with this bunch of politicians in charge, it's embarrassing!!
Of course we could always ask the Australians to do it, they may not be ready on time and it might not be fit for purpose, but at least we can spend millions.
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I really hate all these people recently who have jumped on the bandwagon of "we'll never match what the Chinese did". To be honest I don't want to match or try and imitate what the Chinese did because that's not who we are. The Chinese have always been reknowned for their collective expressions on a huge scale throughout history and this is a strength they clearly played to, and not wanting to get political this is not surprising coming from a heavily communist background where individualism and freedom of expression is a definite no-no. We should therefore be looking to play to our strengths in our own ceremony and ignore what has gone before, because I believe that is the whole point of the opening ceremony. The only problem is that being able to carry something out on such a huge scale as the Chinese did just so happens to be the most impressive and effective on the eye in a stadium of this size......
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Is it just me or are people somewhat glossing over the issues with regards to Chinas ability to 'mobilise people'? The reason they're mobilised so easily is they've just all temporarily lost their jobs cause the lovely friendly communist government closed all the factories and roads in and around Beijing. They're dancing to get their jobs back. And quite possibly dancing on the site where they used to live. Forgive me for not being overly impressed with what was as clear a demonstration of communisms control over its populace as the fact that the Chairmen and all his friends have erased the Tianamen Square incident from Chinese History.
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You have all missed the obvious - Rory and Paddys Great British Adventure - Chan 5 tonight - a must for the 2012 Olympics, and a guaranteed Gold medal hall for Team GB (or whatever they will be called then).
Nasty rumour going round that the egotistical self publicist D.Beckh.. will be involved, apparently kicking footballs off a London Bus. Surely by then, he will have American citizenship (please please please). Has anybody else heard this wicked rumour?
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we could pull off an amazing opening ceremony if we reinintroduce capital punishment and threaten the volunteers with it if they screw up!
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Classic one, Robbo. I knew something like this was coming from you - after I saw the opening ceremony from China.
I agree with a few posters that you should not even try to match it. Totally rethink the opening ceremony concept and showcase the history, culture and tradition.
Problem is: the folks will keep on planning and planning and run out of ideas, and then rope in Americans to provide the creative edge and probably outsource all the props and logistics to China or India. One thing is: we will definitely see some British singers out there, and also the golden boy Becks.
Anyway, it would be a fun thing to look out for.
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What I can't understand is why is there not more of an outcry about the farse that was the opening ceremony pre filmed/cgi fireworks for tv viewers and mimed/ pre recorded acts. Yes I agree the choreography was fantastic but that s all it was the rest was fake "all for the good of the nation" not the rest of us the good of China and their self interest to cover up and sheild the world from their abuse of mankind. Lets not forget that they turfed thousands of people out of their homes and placed them in slums to make the olympic venues and the sailing was jepodised because of the huge amounts of algae produced by pollution let out into the sea. All the athletes returning to GB have commented that one of the best things was breathing clean air again. So we should not be celebrating the success of their olympics but should be commenting on what things this has brought to light and enforcing China to fix them, but I forgot we are all to scared of china in case they suddenly wake up and put the prices up for all the cheap tat that we rely on and then we really will be in for it. London may not be the great spectacle but it will be truthful complete and in the true spirit of the games where everyone gets a voice not where a little girl with a beautiful voice is told you can sing but no one can see you because you face don't fit.
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we could have a Godiva Show Jumping Event - top naked totty on horseback
That has to beat synchronised swimming, handball, baseball, volleyball, table tennis for a ratings winning event hands down.
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There is only one way the opening ceremony can be opened, and thats from the musical duo "Chaz and Dave". This is how it has to be!
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