Archives for March 2012

Town of Zeros by Charlie Bowie

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Vikki Tennant | 14:40 UK time, Wednesday, 21 March 2012


Michael Brodie was once a carefree Glasgow Tour Guide who's biggest worry was whether to smooch is girlfriend in the art gallery or the transport museum. But Michael was destined for greater things - he conquered a medical degree and became a war hero in Afghanistan. After the glory of war he found himself in the seedy town of Shieldinch where nothing is ever as it seems, danger lurks round every corner and you can't trust anyone, not even your wife. This is the story of a hero in a town full of zero's fighting against fate...

"A masterpiece! Proof that when life throws you lemons, make a gin and tonic." The Shieldinch Review

"D:Ream told us that things can only get better, Bowie tells us: that's a load of crap." The Mossgreen Journal

Eh, what do you think? A bestseller in the making?! Ahem, maybe not, I should probably stick to my day job which is erm, writing mildly amusing blogs! Back to it then....

Chapter 1 - Death of a Pimp

Wow, what an episode! I must say I thought it was pretty darn brilliant this week. Talk about a bad day - Michael found out his wife was having an affair and then got arrested for murdering Cam the Bam! He didn't have much chance of getting away with murder; he was the worst criminal EVER!! Now, I ain't no expert in covering my tracks but when you're the prime suspect in an assault it's probably not the most sensible idea to walk across the street in front of DC Grant looking really suspicious, carrying a large black bin bag! Nice one Doc! It's also sensible to say as little as possible to the copper and certainly not continually land yourself in it - be cool man. And see when the polis bring you in for questioning, don't just blurt out "Aye it was me" - let them work for it!! Ah Mick, you should of called me, I'd of kept you right! But, Doctor Brodie didn't call me and as a result he's in jail. I can't see any easy way out of this for him so I'm afraid it's farewell to Michael Brodie for now.

Chapter 2 - The Godmother vs The Godfather

So creepy, freaky Auld Agnes is having money troubles and she ain't too proud to take a hand out from a clueless Lenny Murdoch. She really is a nasty old bat, no wonder Vivifran is messed up, who wouldn't be with a mother like that! Now that Vivifran has put her foot down and professed her love for Lenny it looks the auld bat is ready to take matters into her own hands. And did you see the sneak peek of next week? It would appear that her evil plan involves Lenny's little grandson Callum -she wouldn't be evil and crazy enough to harm a 3 year old child... surely... erm... would she?

Chapter 3 - The Author and the Serving Wench

Annie's not really a wench, I just like to use the word wench. It was Charlie's birthday and as we all know, birthdays get you thinking! So, Charlie decided it was time to take the bull by the horns, he proposed to Annie and whisked her away to go travelling around the world. He is even contemplating a sequel to that bestseller 'Town of Zeros' - that's got movie deal written all over it. I had tear in my eye when Charlie proposed to Annie, it was very sweet and his wee face was soooo cute. And that's farewell to the lovely couple! I'm sad to see them go but they've had a lovely happy ending to their story.

Whatever you do, do not miss next week's episode, it's the grand finale of Series 7 and as I mentioned before, Agnes will be exacting her terrible revenge on Lenny and there's more trouble in store for the Brodie clan - seriously, if you thought things couldn't get worse for Michael you were very wrong!

Raging bull unleashed!

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Vikki Tennant | 18:25 UK time, Thursday, 15 March 2012

Raging Bull

Well, that was quite a shocker wasn't it? Michael finally got his hands on Cam the Bam with terrible results. It was only a matter of time until Michael's temper got him into trouble though - I don't call him Raging Bull for nothing! Looking at all the Facebook comments, a lot of people seem to be on his side, it's a tough one , if your daughter was missing and you came across the guy who was trying to turn her into a prostitute, what on earth would you do?! And what does this mean for the good Doctor? Will he get away with it or is a trip to the big hoose on the cards? Personally I'd like to see him make a return to the Tour Guide profession, far less stressful. Make sure you watch next week to find out!

While Cam the Bam was terrifying Christina and getting bludgeoned by Michael, Nicole was nowhere to be seen. The last we saw of her she was hitchhiking and getting into a big lorry - where on earth is she? Thankfully it wasn't her in the morgue but it cannae be sensible to be getting into cars with strange men! Will she ever come home?

And while Michael was playing the Raging Bull, identifying bodies in the morgue and trying to kill pimps, his wife Leyla was coming to an important decision...she's going to leave her husband for his brother Gabriel. She's got her priorities right hasn't she? But even missing children cannot stop the course of true love and Gabe did melt my heart slightly in this episode. It was his wee face when Leyla said that she still loved Michael, he looked so hurt! Awww. But I ain't gonna feel too sorry for him, he is having sexy time with his sister-in-law after all.

Elsewhere, Fran the Kiss-A-Scam was doing a lot of kissing but not a lot of scamming. What has happened to the Frances I was starting to become accustomed too? There was a time when she worried about things like: how can I get my evil revenge for the murder of my brother, should I kill Lenny or just maim him, how many men can I stun with my eeeeeevil kissing today and should I make a sex tape. Nowadays all she's worried about is blue rinses and whether or not she should accompany Lenny to the cemetery. Come on Frances hen, what you playing at and what on earth is your scary maw gonna do when she realises you've gone soft?! Well looking at next week's preview, it seems like she's about to come clean to Lenny, eh, good luck with that. I reckon Lenny will be reaching for his own metal pole if he discovers her true identity.

Also coming up next week, find out the fates of Michael, Cammy and Nicole and Auld Agnes is indeed back on the scene! I cannae wait!

Quote of the Week
Robbie: "I once went oot wae a guy who was into cemeteries. We used to wait 'til it got dark, jump the gate and share a carry oot amongst the heidstones."
Hayley: "Eh, sounds lovely."
Robbie "Oh aye, it was dead exciting...but then he started talking about breaking into funeral parlours. I just says tae him, listen pal, noo yer just being weird."

Something brewing doon at the broo...

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Vikki Tennant | 13:35 UK time, Thursday, 8 March 2012

What's the Tour De France?

Does anyone else think that Kelly-Marie and Dan are flogging a deid horse? She's the type of gal that signs on the dole while she actually has a job and he's the type of bloke that watches the Tour De France and lectures people about wearing helmets! Although I don't know why Kelly-Marie was wasting money on a magician when she has Dan around, did you see those magic tricks? I mean he pulled a pound coin out of Callum's ear! Astounding! However, the biggest trickster of all is Lenny who grassed on Kelly-Marie for benefit fraud only so that he could blame Dan and impress Kelly-Marie with the expensive lawyer he gave her. Oh what a complicated fellow he is!!

Cam the Bam really is an evil little weasel, I really dislike that boy. Not only is he trying to groom Nicole into prostitution, it turns out that he also has a girlfriend - Angie - who already works as a prostitute for him. Oh and Angie also takes regular beatings off the utterly charming Cammy, isn't he just such a nice fella? But hallelujah, Nicole finally realised that Cam is nowt but a bam and she made her escape... escape via hitchhiking and getting picked up in a lorry dressed like a tart...erm oh dear. What has she got herself into now?!

In addition to prostituting and beating girls, Cammy is also a knife wielding thief. He swanned into The Tall Ship looking for Stevie's old money stash and ended up holding a knife against Eileen's neck and demanding access to the safe. It turned into a bit of a showdown in the bar but luckily Gabriel is also a secret magician - he is able to transform an ordinary looking door into a lethal weapon! Just as Cammy was about to escape - shazam, Gabriel squished him with the door. Annoyingly, Cam the Bam managed to get free and ran off, but not before getting a cheeky wee stab at Lenny's arm! Stabbing Lenny Murdoch? That cannot be a sensible move.

Coming up next week, Cam the Bam gets even more evil and Michael goes into meltdown. It's set to get very dark indeed...

Quote of the Week
Scarlett: "Raymond's helping Murray with his mid-life crisis, boys day oot more like, wonder why they never asked you?"
Jimmy: "Just lucky I guess!"

Tonight on Reporting Shieldinch...

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Vikki Tennant | 17:32 UK time, Friday, 2 March 2012

Press Conference

Nicole's disappearance hit the headlines this week and it even had top billing on Reporting Scotland with Jackie Bird!! I hope you all spotted her (she was the special guest star to which I was referring last week), I thought it was rather exciting! It's very harrowing seeing the Brodie family so worried, I can't imagine what it must be like to know that your child is in danger. Nicole is completely oblivious to the hell she's putting her family through and also oblivious to the danger she's put herself in. From the sneak peek of next week it looks like it's going to get a whole lot more sleazy in that mingin' squat! Please just wisen up Nicole!! But you know I don't like to dwell on the sad things too much, let's talk about that prank caller. Did anyone else think he sounded like he could have starred in that Shieldinch Sex Tape?! It brought back some bad memories for me I tell ye. How on earth did Leyla and Michael mistake that for Nicole?! Someone give that guy a throat lozenge!

Miami Vice Murray wasn't fooling me this week, oh no! He was trying to act the caring, nice guy shoulder to cry on but we now all know that he's nothing but a sunglass wearing, sports car driving, drunken VANDAL! Yes, Mundane Murray has snapped and his darker side Miami Vice Murray has taken over, he's gone proper mental! Well, ok, possibly I'm exaggerating things slightly but he did throw a brick through the Oyster window and in my book that is crazeeeee behaviour. As well as having to face the wrath of Gina he also got a punch in the face from Gabriel, I really never thought I'd see the day when Murray would be brawling in the street. Murray, now the pariah of Shieldinch, has went off with his faithful pal Raymond for a fishing holiday until the dust settles. Those fish better watch out, Miami Vice Murray is on his way and he is gonna fish them, fish them good.

Kelly-Marie and Dan were the victim of Chinese whispers, Mullen style this week. Tattie overheard Liz gossiping in the Deli, she told Molly, Molly told Scarlett and before we knew it everyone was up to high doh thinking that Dan was planning on humping and dumping Kelly-Marie. But thankfully, it was all sorted out in the end and Kelly-Marie and Dan went back to being loved up. Well, until next week anyway!

Speaking of next week, don't forget to watch as there will be some very exciting developments in the Nicole vs Evil Cammy story, Kelly-Marie and Dan have a difference in opinion about benefit fraud and Charlie floods the Tall Ship!

I do apologise if my Blog has a touch of delirium about it this week, I'm loaded with the flu and I think it's affecting my brain!

Quote of the Week

Molly (to Dan): "Oan yer bike."

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