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5tella

Listed below are comments made by 5tella between Tuesday, 24th March 2009 and Tuesday, 24th November 2009.

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5 live review: New Moon 08:15am on 24 Nov 2009 Dear Mark

I've just seen the worst film of the year and for once I totally disagree with you.
Twilight New Moon is bad, very bad, and yes, it is worst than Bride Wars.

Not only is it badly written, it is badly acted and badly shot (the Wolf CGI???!!!!)

And the whole "stay a Virgin (airlines?) as long as possible-sex before marriage is bad" thing?

SPOILER:
She begs him TO DO IT, but he says: "No, let's wait at least another five years"
she says"No, that's toooo long, let's make it three"
he says "Oh you are such a stubborn girl, then my only condition is: marry me. Then we can DO IT".

Rarely have I seen a female leading character so insignificant, dull and uniteresting.

The only girl who has any charm and beauty at all, the evil red-head Victoria (she is in the only really beautifully shot scene in the woods), is depicted like a witch. She has DONE IT, SHE LIKES DOING IT, therefore she is wicked.Hmmmmm....
All the other (good) vampires (the ones who have DONE IT) feel bad about it and are trying NOT TO DO IT AGAIN.

It seems to me this message appeals very much to fathers of teenagere daughters, who would like their daughters to postpone all that stuff until they are at least 93, but, come on...
Bride Wars Revisited 11:21am on 11 Nov 2009 I am sorry, I am a coward.
I have not, and will not go and see either Bride Bores or Couples Retreat.
I take your word for it that they are awful. That's what film critics are for, after all. ;-)
The second second time around 09:12am on 28 Oct 2009 Apropos L'Affaire Jen: it is not her face. or her hair.
It is the fact that after having done TV for many many years she always knows EXACTLY from which angle she will look her best, how the hat has to be worn to look EXACTLY right, how the highlights in her hair have to be like this and not like that, the hair tousled by wind in a way to make her look even more cute...
Her face is always lit in the best possible way,her nose is always accuratly powdered, the team of hairdressers and make up and costume and light people are instructed by her because she KNOWS, having done 500 billion episodes, how she wants to look: and she looks fake like a TV commercial.

In cinema movies, actors show off their faults. You see a movie with superhumanly faboulous Cate Blanchette and she has lines around her mouth and eyes, or even Nicole Kidman (NICOLE KIDMAN!) sometimes looks human, with bags under her eyes.

Not Jen, EVER. She has the look thing under control, always.
And this simply doesn't work in cinema movies, it gives away the TV provenance. This is what acting in Tv shows for many years does to you, it ruins your acting.

The acting- for-the-camera thing becomes second nature and you can allways feel, subconsciuosly, that the person is acting with the camera in mind. Movie actors know their moves, but then they try to recreate the reality forgetting the camera.It is up to the crew to capture the emotion and to make it look good. In Tv it is the reverse: tight schedules and it's up to the actor to look good and to be good, because no one really cares, the standards are lower.

Jen should do a movie with Lars von Trier to cure her.
Screening Process 08:31am on 16 Sep 2009 Sorry, it was "What have I done to deserve this", 1984, Almodovar. Gloria (Carmen Maura), kills her husband Antonio with a ham bone.
The above is an obvious OT, but my advice for the worst film problem is: don't watch bad films. They are bad for you. Life is short. If you come across one, stand up and leave the cinema immediately. Let the film critics do the job of watching bad films.
This is the reason why you, Mark, are not allowed to quit. It is YOUR service ti mankind to watch bad films till the end and then tell us not to go. Someone has to do it.
Screening Process 08:04am on 16 Sep 2009 pig based weaponry: in Pepi, Luci, Bom y otras chicas del montón, the 1980 Pedro Almodovar film, one of the characters kills a man with a ham bone!
Moon Movies 3:06pm on 20 Jul 2009 Dear Doc,
you forgot mentioning UFO, a brilliant 1970's British science fiction television series starring Commander Straker and the glamourous moon girls with purple hair...

All good genre films are just a backdrop for other stuff. Crime stories describe the tension between good and evil (as fantasy films do), westerns tell about the struggle for survival in hostile environment and how different people cope in different ways, science fiction films are about spiritual and psychological themes because of the isolation space travel provides. They often deal also with problems of identity (as, for example, in all movies which are based on Philip K. Dick books).
I hope Moon will come soon to my country, Italy, I'm looking forward to seeing it.
Five Live in Edinburgh: the Best Bits 5:03pm on 25 Jun 2009 I've only just realized that Shia LeBeouf is a real name.
I thought it was one of the Doctor's nicknames.
McG, Shia LeBeouf.... what next?
Review: Ozploitation 10:57am on 24 Mar 2009 Mark, I am sorry, no.

It's like saying: if you want to be a chef, learn to make hamburgers, go to work in a McDonalds' for a year.
Or: before making the movie you really want to make, try making a movie like "Marley and me".

I believe that very simply there are different audiences for different films and that all forms of higher art need some sort of outside help to exist because the big majority of people prefer the junk food variety of art.This has been so in history and will always be so.
We wouldn't have the Sistine Chapel without the funding of a single pope who thought it worthwile to pay for it. And the fact that the majority of people prefer junk food doesn't mean that we all do.

Also experience tells us that after one generation of hamburgers people have no idea about quality in food any more.

And, by the way, I hated Slumdog Millionaire, I think it's dickensian manichean pseudo neorealism with a magic fairy tale stuck on top with sello tape.
This film promotes the idea that the only possibility of emancipation from misery for a human being is through winning money in a lottery (for this is what the game show adds up to in the end when he gives the last answer without knowing it), not through improvement or work or true relationships with others.
And only when he becomes a millionaire does he get the girl (who throughout the film only goes with the strongest/richest: what a role model!).
What happens in real life is what you see in "Frozen River", where the father has taken all the money the family has saved for a new home to go and gamble in Atlantic City (thus running after the dream of "sudden luck through magic thinking" that Slumdog Millionaire promotes).
In Frozen River there are no born-goodies and born-baddies: a hard life leads people to be hard and cinical, but it is still possible to be human and to care for each other, even if you are poor. The purpose of life is not becoming rich (ergo happy), but becoming human and generous (ergo happy).
Of course you will say that nobody wants to see films like Frozen River, whereas everybody runs to be lobotomised by feel-good-magic-thinking-movies like Slumdog Millionaire.
But I still prefer a good restaurant to McDonalds, even if McDonalds makes more money.

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