We're going crackers....

Sequin | 12:45 UK time, Wednesday, 25 November 2009

On PM this evening we are talking to the boss of Britain's biggest Christmas cracker manufacturer. After decades of the same old jokes they've decided to ditch some of the golden oldies and introduce some new ones. He'll be unveiling a couple of the new jokes this evening

Already you've been coming up with your suggestions. Here are a few that have been emailed to us ....

What did the timid pebble say? I wish I was a little bolder.

Why did the pasty cross the road? Because he was meat 'n' potato!

Q: 'What did Mummy Biscuit say to Daddy Biscuit when Baby Biscuit fell down?'
A: 'Oh Crumbs!'

What have we started?????!!

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Comments

1. At 12:57pm on 25 Nov 2009, Scotch Git wrote:

Pull the other one!

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2. At 1:03pm on 25 Nov 2009, U14138029 wrote:
What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?
Unlawful is against the law, illegal is a sick bird.

Why is a lion in the desert like Christmas?
Because of it's sandy claws.

What do angry mice send each other at Christmas?
Cross mouse cards.

Don't blame me - you did ask!

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3. At 1:05pm on 25 Nov 2009, Scotch Git wrote:

Q. Is that a doughnut or a meringue?

A. Yir richt enough, Laddie. It's a doughnut.

>8-D

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4. At 1:26pm on 25 Nov 2009, Gillianian wrote:
What do you call the fear of getting stuck in a chimney?
Santaclaustrophobia

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5. At 1:34pm on 25 Nov 2009, andycroak wrote:
I'll wheel this one out again :

Q : What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

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6. At 1:53pm on 25 Nov 2009, U14138029 wrote:
Andy - I'll wheel out my wrong answer then:

A : David Dickinson.

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7. At 2:24pm on 25 Nov 2009, andycroak wrote:
Preston - ha! That's funnier than the right answer :

A : A carrot.

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8. At 3:16pm on 25 Nov 2009, U14138029 wrote:
andycroak (7) - Just a little bit of deja vu there!
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At 02:22 PM on 16 Oct 2006, AndycStrap wrote:
A joke for the blog, as requested :

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
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At 03:17 PM on 16 Oct 2006, RobbieDo wrote:
"What's orange and sounds like a parrot?"

That would be David Dickinson wouldn't it?
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At 03:29 PM on 16 Oct 2006, AndycStrap wrote:
A carrot is right. Though David Dickinson is probably funnier.
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Preston (formerly RobbieDo)

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9. At 3:18pm on 25 Nov 2009, Gillianian wrote:
Preston - ha! That's funnier than the joke!

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10. At 3:39pm on 25 Nov 2009, andycroak wrote:
PrestonDo - but, its the only joke I know! And it was really funny the first time I heard it.

Its going to be David D from now on, depending on whether my audience have heard of him or not.

A aka AndycStrap (why was I that?)

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11. At 3:47pm on 25 Nov 2009, Fearless Fred wrote:
I think the AndycStrap could've been due to the start of us all submitting Straplines for the blog, perhaps?

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12. At 3:48pm on 25 Nov 2009, Stewart_M wrote:
How does Santa like his Pizza

Deep and Crisp & Even

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13. At 4:04pm on 25 Nov 2009, U14138029 wrote:
Andy (10) - And the following day somebody's strapline must have replaced yours!
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At 11:12 AM on 17 Oct 2006, AndycStrapNoMore wrote:
Happy Birthday Perry!
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14. At 4:07pm on 25 Nov 2009, The Stainless Steel Cat wrote:
Q: What's homicidal and swims in the ocean?
A: Nothing. Jack T. Kipper was fully supported by Social Services and grew up to be a fully functioning member of the fish community.

Q: How do you fit four elephants in a Mini?
A: You don't. That would be cruel to the elephants and besides, they're not proper Minis these days anyway.

Q: Why are there no painkillers in the jungle?
A: Because the parrots introduced meditation, karmic healing and feng shui, so there was no need for them.

Q: What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
A: A monstrous genetic mutation that would never have happened if scientists concentrated on important things like finding the Loch Ness Monster and proving that ghosts exist.

Q: What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?
A: "rendeer"

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15. At 4:19pm on 25 Nov 2009, needsanewnickname wrote:
These are so bad I'll take one of my Gran's jokes out of the box in the attic:

How do you spell 'Hungry Horse' in four letters?

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16. At 4:41pm on 25 Nov 2009, Septic wrote:
Frances.... I know, I know!!

MTGG

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17. At 4:44pm on 25 Nov 2009, Septic wrote:
What's the best thing to give your parents for Christmas?
A list of everything you want!

Where can you find health, wealth and happiness?
In a dictionary.

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18. At 5:05pm on 25 Nov 2009, reasonstobecheerful wrote:
Pasty Joke

Why did the pasty cross the road?

Because he was Cornish not from Devon!

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19. At 5:12pm on 25 Nov 2009, reasonstobecheerful wrote:
Someone just sent me a text. All it said was 'G N A B'

I think it's bang out of order

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20. At 5:16pm on 25 Nov 2009, mittfh wrote:
There's a whole bunch of 'em here:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/pm/2008/12/the_weekbeforechristmas_beach.shtml#P73358120

(Why repost them when you can just copy/paste a link to last year's bunch? :D )

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21. At 5:19pm on 25 Nov 2009, mittfh wrote:
Here's another one from last year, courtesy of Gillianianianian...

What is green, round and wears shorts?

A Brussels Scout!

-oOo-

And I'll leave you with this typically dreadful pun:

Why is it dangerous to do maths in the jungle?
Because if you add four and four you get ate!

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22. At 5:31pm on 25 Nov 2009, andycroak wrote:
FF (11) Yes, thats it, I remember now! :)
PF (13) Ah yes, musta been :(

Crikey those were the days when we could change our names at will.

Or even to Will.

A

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23. At 5:45pm on 25 Nov 2009, jonathanmorse wrote:
Surely they're changed every year, otherwise they'd be out of date.

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24. At 5:56pm on 25 Nov 2009, needsanewnickname wrote:
Septic! Yes! MTGG!

Right (Oh, these are so corny, but here goes)

Spell 'blind pig' in two letters.

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25. At 5:57pm on 25 Nov 2009, needsanewnickname wrote:
Andy, I remember when you were called andycrabb. But I won't tell anyone.

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26. At 6:02pm on 25 Nov 2009, Frankly wrote:
PG?

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27. At 6:36pm on 25 Nov 2009, xmarksthespot wrote:
What do you call a dear with no eyes?
No idea (geddit)
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison? You can wash your 'ands in a bison. (said in a brummie accent)

Enough already?

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28. At 6:39pm on 25 Nov 2009, needsanewnickname wrote:
Sid - yep, but you have to explain why.

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29. At 6:58pm on 25 Nov 2009, Kit Chivers wrote:
What is the past tense of "Pigs will fly"? Swine flu.

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30. At 08:39am on 26 Nov 2009, Redheylin wrote:
Q. When is a riddle not a riddle?
A. When it's in a PM Christmas card - it is then a "joke".

Q. Is the term "riddle" a subset of the term "joke"?
A. Not when it comes in a cracker.

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