The Beach
Look, the weather is getting grottier but that won't put us off will it? Join the crew on the beach and have fun.
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The blog for the afternoon news and current affairs programme presented by Eddie Mair.
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But the weather never gets grotty on the beach - that's the whole point! Is this, mayhap, smoke drifting over from another place.....
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Hello PM,
In your capacity as a reporter of serious news from all parts of the world, I'm sure you will be interested in this...
http://www.trademe.co.nz/Art/Carvings-sculpture/Other/auction-250472279.htm
....It prompts the thought of what medium might be used to sculpt some of our favourite, or not so favourite, celebrities.
Jeffery Archer in papier maché (preferably from pulping some of his fiction)
several politicians in Dung from a male bovine quadruped..
This could be bigger than the weather.....
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Well there are plenty u.k. politicians that are currently Knee deep in that medium!
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Previously on Diggles…..
… Giving thanks to the unseen benefactor he enjoyed a leisurely breakfast as contemplated his next move…
Diggles made his way out into the bright sunshine and the clean fresh air with a hint of salt spray helped further clear his head, he was feeling almost human again! Glancing to his left he caught sight of the row of hammocks he saw yesterday as he flew over THE BEACH , the purple one seemed occupied. He tugged his Webley Mk VI .455 service revolver from its crocodile skin holster, released the safety catch and made his way to the purple hammock and the sleeping figure.
Peering in he was astounded to see Freddie fast asleep with a small kitten curled up against her!
Putting safety back on he holstered his Webley Mk VI .455 service revolver back in its crocodile skin holster he very gently shook Freddie.
Her long lashes quivered and she slowly opened her eyes and sat bolt upright as she caught sight of Diggles.
“My God!” she cried as she flung her arms round his neck “Diggles! What on earth, how did you, why are you?” she tried to say all at once.
Hugging her closely he whispered “Thank the Lord you are safe. For a while, you had us worried. We thought Mata had done away with you! Nice pussy by the way as he caught sight of the kitten that was now sitting up and washing its paw.”
“Quickly, we must get away from here before that blasted Hari-Kari woman arrives looking for you”
Gathering up the tiny kitten Freddie followed Diggles as he set off at a quick jog towards where he had hidden the Soppy Camel.
…to be continued….
and.....
415. At 12:24pm on 30 Oct 2009, Anne P. wrote:
Will Giggles and crew survive the tsunami, will Mata Hara Kiri's composure be disturbed, will Fred and the kitten get wet again?
Tune in for the next exciting installment on the new beach (perhaps).
..seemless I tell you, seemless
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(Copied from the last Beach)
Meanwhile back in the office...
The phone rang on JC's desk. She picked it up and intoned woodenly "Weather and News Headline Department, Your BBC"as she had been instructed.
"It's me, you idiot. Don't bother with all that rubbish" came the velvet-toned voice at the other end. "Now listen hard. There's been a hitch. I can't get back yet, because apparently I haven't got enough air miles. I'm at the 'La Plage Airside Shopping and Coffee Retail Emporium" and I've got to get through 36 quad-lattes to get enough points to get on the plane back"
JC sighed. How she longed for the days before the budget cuts, when they just used to get a ticket provided to go anywhere to chase a story. It was so difficult now - reporters were saving tea coupons, loyalty points,anything they could to raise the air miles for flights. "How long will that take you?" she asked, fearing the worst.
" Well you know me. About half a day. But meantime, I want you to get hold of a prosthetic forearm. And I assume CQ still has her cashmere cardigan supply?"
"Oh yes, they're neatly folded in the top drawer of your desk. The one you used to keep the champ-"
"Never mind that" he cut in hurriedly. "Just call me back when you've got the arm. And hurry!"
to be continued (unless the lawyers get here first...)
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annasee 5, I have lost the plot!
Are we adding yours truly as a Diggles subplot or have gone orf on yer own?
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Sprouty, I think I lost your plot ages ago! Sorry - I don't know where mine fits in. It's just sort of happening. I don't know what happens next - have to wait & see who turns up!
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Noise pollution. A couple of souped up vehicles made me head for the beach. No beach buggies around I hope? Those who drive - souped up vehicles might I suggest - be hungry for attention. Because as I sit here listening to the lapping of the waves and looking for prehistoric monsters bones erode from that Cliff over there. No! Not Harry Webb - he aint quite THAT old yet - that cliff! Blue birds over - and they are in this chill - b-b-blue I mean. Poor things - I think car drivers can be selfish sometimes. There was no way you could miss those two cars passing unless you were "Mutt and Jeff" - no offence anyone. So the street stood and watched the jeremy Clarksons wanneebees on there way to anooy a fresh audience a few yards down the road.
I think next week I will give the Beach a miss - unless we get another - Indian Summer. Mmm. That piece of "rock" looks interesting. A bit of an ancient pterodactyl or I am a flying fish!
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annasee, fair as snuff!
Spiffing stuf!
You carry on old girl, yer doing a cracking job! I am amazed as too how much litry talent is coming to lite!
;-)
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Afternoon all, new day - new beach.
Thanks everyone for the party suggestions, will definitely ber using them. Although I don't think I've heard of Nelson's Eye before, anyone care to explain the rules.
Excellent work with the three/four part serial/serials I await the next installment with baiter breath ;-)
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Blast, make that "baited", bally keyboard...
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Hi WIC. One person dresses up as Nelson, with an arm folded as to seem amputated. The party goers assemble in another room and one by one are blindfolded and taken to the room with "Nelson". They are told that Nelson is sat before them and their hand is taken and placed on Nelson's good arm. "This is Nelson's good arm" says the organiser. The hand is then placed on the "Stump". "This is Nelson's other arm". A finger is gently placed on Nelson's good eye "This is Nelson's good eye".
Nelson then moves his head away and an orange with the top removed and a small finger sized hole in the orange held up. "And this is Nelson's bad eye" as the person's finger is thrust into the orange. The result may be imagined!!
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(Copied from the last Beach)
Mata Hari-Kari showered and donned her Oriental kimono. She didn’t have time to dress. Time was of the essence. Thinking of which, she picked up her Chanel No. 5 and sprayed it in a mist around herself, brushed her long raven hair, applied her lipstick, pulled a sultry face in the mirror and, as there was no time to waste, looked around the grass hut for her Gladstone bag, upended it and started twiddling the dials.
*@%%@>>>>@@%%%%>>>>>%@@@###@@@~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
.... “shall say this only once... “ ...
@%%@>>>>@@%%%%~~~~~~~
.... “repeat, DO NOT blow up Nick Clarke’s bar”....
%@>>>>@@%%%%
... “ abandon mission “ ...
~~~~~~~~~@@%%%%>>>>>%~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
.... “Germans are in sheds in Hertfordshire, repeat Herfordshire” ....
@@%%%%>>>>>%~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ @@%%%%>>>>>%
.... “contact Diggles. Urgent. Repeat Urgent”...
“Drat and blast and double drat” she cursed, nearly silently. She’d have to find him quickly but she had to tidy herself up a bit first. A woman, especially a woman with her reputation, had always to look her best.
She was relieved the directive had been to abandon the mission because something very fishy had happened and she hadn't been able to achieve her objective - unheard of for a woman with her reputation. It was a stroke of luck, that temporary torrential downpour but she was glad the sun had come out again and dried up all the rain. She loathed grotty weather nearly as much as ipsy bipsy spiders. Monsoons played havoc with her raven hair.
If she was going to track down Diggles and find Fred before it was too late and be able to convince them of the truth, using her womanly wiles, she had to look fabulous. Diggles and his soppy camel were required for urgent war effort work - pity that but there was a war on.
"What to wear, what to wear...?" She selected a figure-hugging red silk dress that followed every contour of her perfectly toned body and had a slit that came up to the top of her perfectly toned thigh. She placed the poison stamen hibiscus above her left ear, still cursing that she's lost the antique dagger - a family heirloom that had the family crest, an ornate golden dragon and a coiled serpent, on the hilt - she would otherwise have concealed in the purpose-sewn pocket down the length of the side zip.
As she locked the bamboo door to her grass hut and strode out towards the bar she muttered to herself, "Flower-power will have to do in case of emergency," but she hoped she wouldn't have to use it.
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Wrath (11) - Before the real pedants get here . . .it should be 'bated'!
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I'm confused. All this 'raven hair' stuff - do ravens have hair? If so, surely it can't be right that Mahatma Hari wanders about with a captured raven. And can the bally raven not do its own preening?
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Lady_Sue...I can't compete with that! But the Diggles me might!
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BTW have found a friendly printer wot will produce these Diggles ramblings in book format, complete and unabridged! I am working on the cover art!
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Preston, I dread to think what you would unearth if you went through the whole thing! Will amend further entries to 'raven coloured hair' just for you.
Sprouty, if you do that (re above comment) I might have to do a bit of a rewrite or at least wing it past a reliable proof-reader!
Stress on the beach. I thought this was merely a bit of harmless fun. Look on the bright side, the sheds in Hertfordshire are surely done-for.
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Previously on Diggles…..
Gathering up the tiny kitten Freddie followed Diggles as he set off at a quick jog towards where he had hidden the Soppy Camel.
“Diggles, beloved brother, please explain what is going on!” Gasped Freddie as she jogged towards his Camel clutching the still damp pussy.
“Haven’t the faintest old girl” Diggles called over his shoulder as they neared his mighty steed. “One minute it is ‘Go and bomb Baron Von Vinkle’s sheds, next thing I know, it is go after this damned Hairy Curry woman or what ever her blasted name is! Then old Bonking Binkers Binky from Unintelligence is on the blower saying you are going after her as well but have left yourself in a bit of a pickle as all your kit fell out of the British made 4x4”
“Sorry Diggles” said Freddie as they approached the Camel at a rather more sensible walking pace. “But my sisterly love for you and Wiggles left me no choice. You see we have found out at Unintelligence that father wasn’t kidnapped by Susie Hari-Kari after all. He found her and she turned the other cheek”
“I bet father was jolly happy about that” mused Diggles.
“Not that sort of cheek, you silly ass. She started working for British Unintelligence, she was a double agent! And not only that she fell in love with him and they married”
“Cripes” Diggles gasped. “You mean to say that Matty Hairy Curry is our *½ sister?!!!”
But before Freddie could reply an apparition appeared on the dunes clad in a figure-hugging red silk dress.
..to be continued…
*0.5 in decimal
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Hold the bus! My own pedantry took over - I just g@@gled 'raven hair' and found it is a bone fide colour:
"Raven hair is a beautiful hair color. It reflects a lot of shine, its deep and rich..." and so on. Associated with a gothic look and, as I imagine Mata to be pale and interesting, possibly with flashing green eyes, perfect.
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Sid sings lustily:
'Braid the raven hair weave the supple tress ..'
G&S, The Mikado
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Bus? wot bleedin' bus?
Bluddy pedants!
"Raven hair is a beautiful hair color. It reflects a lot of shine, its deep and rich..." wot a load of old bulls nuts that is!
Can we get on with The gratest wurk of friction wot wuz ever rit ot wot?
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Omnibus edition
And, meanwhile, notwithstanding all this green eyed raven stuff, what about the thoughts of the duck from 53 (F) squadron?!
eh?!!!
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Oh...gawd now look at wot you have done!
You have excited Sid!
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nikki noodle, re duck from 53 (F) squadron.
go back a few pages!
Things were tough and they were on short rations, horror of horrors they had already run out of custard so the Duck Surprise Crumble had been served with condensed milk.
See! You can have your duck and eat it!
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Pulse,
" I think car drivers can be selfish sometimes."
Sometimes?
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Lady Sue - I've heard the Australian Raven described as a more slender bird than the Common Raven of the Northern Hemisphere. Would that be true?
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Preston, you are undoubtedly more of a bird expert than I.
Sid, lovely lusty singing.
Sprouty, was half expecting Fred to make a contribution and don't want to hog the manuscript. More later...
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Loving your story, annasee, and looking forward to Usphares....
;o)
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It's been a busy day in RL, but Fred, her pussy and possibly Herr Kommandant Schicklgruber will appear once I've had a chance to catch up with them (phew).
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annasee! True fame at last!
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nikki: I have replied to your request on W's PMGB.
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Last Beach, on Diggles, and at a secret HQ:
Meanwhile, in the German sheds, the Jerries were laying their plans.
"Karry out Plan B!" barked Kommandant Schicklegruber to his number two, a little shot called Schott.
"Jahwol, mein Kommandant!" Schott barked back.
"Wass plan ist dat?" he added nervously. Schicklegruber, rumoured to be a distant relation of You Know Who, was unfortunately not the sharpest messer in the drawer and in fact had been called 'Mackie Messer' at school, in an ironic comparison to the fiendishly clever anti-hero of Weil's 'Die Dreigroschenoper'. But he carried out the orders of the Big Shots, so it was important to karry out his orders.
The Kommandant looked round quickly. Then he whispered in Schott's ear. After a quick, stifled giggle - the Kommandant's moustache tickled so - he opened his eyes wider and wider und wieder.
Sheer genuis. Tommy would never beat them They were invincible!
... to be continued...
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Sorry - I should have korrected the spelling mistakes in the 'Jerry' story before cutting and pasting.
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Across the dunes, Mata Hari-Kari could see the khaki-clad figures running towards what looked like a cleverly disguised Sopwith Camel. The chest on one of the figures was bouncing in a most peculiar manner for a chap.
“Thank goodness I didn’t join the Armed Forces”, she muttered to herself as she hastened her step towards them. Mata Hari-Kari didn’t do khaki but had to acknowledge that her figure-hugging red dress was perhaps not the best choice for disguise over the dunes. Nor, despite it’s split up to the top of her toned thigh, was it the easiest little number to sashay in when one had to quicken ones' sashay. The red stilettos were also proving problematic but a woman with her reputation had certain standards.
Fortunately, the red dress served the purpose of attracting their attention. They stopped just as they reached the Camel and both looked towards her. A deathly stillness came over them. Mata Hari-Kari was used to people stopping dead still when they saw her coming towards them, with or without having to squirt the poisoned stamen hibiscus in their general direction. From over the dunes the strands of the opening theme to ‘Stanley Kubrick’s 2001 A Space Odyssey’ (whatever that was) could be heard as she appeared to walk towards them in slow motion, though this was largely due to the stilettos.
“Why, Diggles. At last,” she let out in a breathy whisper, her green eyes flashing as she tossed her long raven hair over one shoulder, “and Fred. I know you think I’m a double agent, code name double or nothing but there’s no time to waste. You are the only ones who can save England from being invaded from within. You’ve got to go and Fred, you’ll have to go with him. I’ve got a job to do and where I’m going you can’t follow, what I’ve got to do you can’t be any part of. Look, I’m no good at being noble,” Diggles stifled a snicker and she flashed her eyes at him in a warning, “but it doesn’t take much to see the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you’ll understand that.”
Fred’s eyes welled up and tears started to spill onto her heaving bosom. Mata Hari-Kari momentarily wondered how it was that Fred’s heaving bosom was almost in competition with her own.
Mata Hari-Kari flashed her green eyes and looked at Diggles beseechingly.
He looked back. Stiff upper everything.
Mata looked at Fred. Fred looked at Diggles. Diggles looked at Mata. Fred looked at Diggles looking at Mata who was looking at right back at Fred who was starting to spill over.
“No no,” she murmured as she pinched Fred on the chin, “here’s looking at you, Kid.”
Mata Hari-Kari stepped towards the camouflage that covered the Camel and started to throw it off. Realising she might break one of her perfectly manicured nails, she stepped back.
"Everything's in order?" she asked Diggles, indicating that it was probably better if they removed the camouflage themselves, "but there's something you should know before you leave..."
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OFrances - water vole alert! On the One Show now :o)
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Gobsmacked with admiration, I am.
Not just the sustained literary quality - it's all those italics!!!
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Fifi, not only that, but I've learned to boldly go...
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Thank you, dear Fifi, for your (369)on the previous Beach: you really know how to make a person feel peripheral! I do not qualify for your select gatherings and I've taken your hint...
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"Here, Miss Hari-Kari," said Fred, "You'd better take the kitten. I'm allergic to cats and it's playing merry hell with my sinuses." Not to mention the blasted claws in my 34B slingshot upper female undergarment, she added to herself. Can't have that punctured.
Mata unwillingly took the now dry fluffy bundle of tiny daggers, wondering how she could save her satin sheath dress and/or her fishnets from its attentions.
"Are you sure you want me to have your pussy?" she asked, hoping for a sudden attack of soppiness from one of the chaps.
"You'd be surprised if I told you," muttered Fred, remembering the Games Mistress at boarding school. If anyone could put a gel off Sapphic activities, it was Miss Ragge.
She curled her hand round her shooter again. I don't trust this madam as far as a camel can spit, she thought. And she's That Woman's daughter. Blood isn't always thicker than water. Not after a good shot to the heart.
"Right-o," said Fred. "What's it all about, Mata?"
"And it had better be good," Diggles added. "Jolly good. You tried to kill us, remember? Why should we trust you an inch?"
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Ooops, ValP, I missed them. Thanks, though. I mean, when did any of us last see a water vole?
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can someone please remind me how to do italics.....
Pleeeese!
mxxx
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Greater than sign i then less than sign at start of italics then same at end of italics
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So you get this I think its /i in the greater than less then signs at the end
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39Cossackgirl, I'm quite sure Fifi didn't intend to make you feel peripheral. Quite the contrary! There are those amongst us who would welcome you and would love to get the chance to know you better. I found her puzzle as to how to find everyone oblique and I realised, after puzzling, that I even knew the answer.
Why not go to my book thinggy you cautioned me about a few days ago and do a search for me on FB?
Molly, you do a an arrow pointing to the beginning of the line (above the comma), and then an "i" and then another arrow pointing to the end of the line (above the fullstop) to start the section you want in italics and when you finish you do a the same but put a / followed by another "i" and yet another arrow pointing to the end of the line to finish. Squish them all up. Gottit?
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Stewart, you have made me feel terribly verbose.
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Cossackgirl (39)
If it's any consolation, I cannot understand Fif's 369 either . FB has changed again and I have no idea how to get back to the place I know there. Don't feel periferal.
If I find my way, I'll post to you here.
Stewart- where do I find 'i/greater than' ?
Be patient- I'm trying.....!!!
molly xx
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What Cossackgirl (39)???
The last thing I want do to is lose good persons like you!!!
Please, please, don't go! I mean it. Stay, you are needed here!
(oh god, what the **** did I say earlier? I should be shot!
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Molly, it's the arrow-shaped thing above the full stop on a PC keyboard. The other one is above the comma.
Cossackgirl, do stay!
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No! Help! It's the comma one to start and the full stop one to end. This is all too complicated.
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Meanwhile, in leafy Hertfordshire, Jerry was developing his plans,
Schott was a good recorder of facts and was updating the Kommandant’s notes. Herr Schicklgruber wasn’t averse to writing, but seldom managed to come up with anything that made much sense, and Schott took it upon himself to get things straight. He liked things to be straight, neat, orderly. That’s what made him a good No 2.
Letting the locals think they were RAF under cover had been a stroke of genius, and he was keen to make sure that the credit reflected on him as well as on Mackie Messer, as the Kommandant was not very fondly called behind his ramrod-stiff back.
The sheds were for building planes to defend Britain, the local yokels were convinced. At least, he was convinced they were. And visitors were discouraged - in case they might be German spies! It was foolproof.
But what if the British started to use agents who were not fools against them? Unlikely, yes, but accidents happen.
There was no time to lose. It was time to implement -
Plan B!
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Here's the posting that seems to have gang so horribly agley.....
369. At 11:00pm on 29 Oct 2009, you wrote:
For those who wish to find the breadcrumb trail to the book of faces hideaway for bewildered froggers, look for someone with the same name as the punchline to that very funny email about the time our Prime Minister wanted a railway locomotive named after him.
There's no 'F' in....
;o)
... and if there's a message in there that I didn't intend, I hugely apologise. Here's what I was trying to say:
Go to (the book of faces)
Look for (a) lying scotsman
You're in!
Cossackgirl - you specially. Please!
:o)
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Oh dear, my (48) has been referred. Too direct perhaps.
Cossackgirl, please don't take anything amiss from my previous posting (I'm still not sure what I said amiss there).
:o(
I've always been your friend here, and always will be. And hope to catch up with you elsewhere, as I do with other froggers who are off troll-less intent and who bring cake and wine!
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Apologies for the extra F in that last posting.
Whoofoops!
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Fifi-
Is it possibple for you to direct me to the watery.....
I seem to have lost all my stuff on FB and am stuck at 'News'...
I have wine and cake....
mxx
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Molly - do you have two little people in the bottom left hand corner of your screen when you are on your FB page? Go to that and you should be able to get back to the beach of faces.
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btw Cossackgirl, EdI is also recognisable there :o). He could help? Give it a go, please xx
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This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.
Isn't it a bit ludicrous that some of the original and regular posters to this blog now have to post under aliases?
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Cossack Girl,
Expensive they were, but well worth it. And your preferred translation too, and it wasn't too pricey. Do drop in on gesichtbuch!
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For Molly
http://www.w3schools.com/tags/tag_font_style.asp
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PrestonF - yup, sure is :o(
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Preston, it is strange that an 'old timer' like yourself can't come back under a previous incarnation if you so wish. Odd blip. Still, at least you came back - we missed you when you went away.
Isn't there a 'country and western' song titled, "How Can I Miss You If You Don't Go Away"?
Ahhh....... the soothing sounds of the beach, water lapping at the shore, seagulls overhead. I'll pop the coffee on and set out some healthy alternative, flatulence free, breakfast food before taking an early morning swim.
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[Lord_Nathan, that was a useful link. I can now do italics and bold (so grown up!) but would like to know how to make a paragraph indent and how to put a hyperlink in to direct people to other places, as yours did in 61. Any help Stewart or you can give gratefully received. P.S. I note you've stopped merely 'peering around'.]
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Morning Fronds!
All that useful italic info doesn't seem to translate onto a Mac keyboard, or is my brain-cell department short of stock as usual?
Help, please!
:O)
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Italics and bold and links and stuff can be seen here
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Thanks Lord_N but I can't seem to get it to work on my Mac...
:O(
I'm surfing trying to find some low-key info that I can get my head around, but it's not happening as yet!
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Chris,
It shouldn't have anything to do with Mac, wintel, or whatever. The hints are for HTML, which is web-page formatting language and virtually "platform independent"
Just type the things as shown (and check in "preview" if you like), and the bold and italic and links will come out in your post
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Ok, Lord_N, it's experiment time:
Howzzat?
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Hmmmm, no I didn't want the bullet point or the line separating the text.
I've separated the two 'commands' as shown on the link to see what they do independently.
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Gosh! Just like Paul Daniels, the first line disappeared altogether. I'm clearly not doing it correctly. More help required!
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Molly 42, Google Simple Tricks and Tools for Posting Comments on Blogs.
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Cossackgirl:
for obvious reasons none of us post our real names here.
But in the book of faces, there is no need for annonimity, as everyone has a veto over any other poster seeing their writings.
So, if you have signed up over there, then there are a couple of peeps who you could look and find: when you do, ask them to let you in!!!
best wishes
nick
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@32 Lady Sue
thankyou, I appreciate that!
Here is not the place for further comment, however.
n-n
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dmn@72: that brings me to the same link I followed the instructions for in my failed experiment above. Any other suggestions?
Any chance the Blog Czar could give us some tips?
nikki@74, you are welcome though I doubt you will like my comment very much.
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Lady Sue, a decent guide can be found here, I'l also send you a carrier pigeon with a crash course and some pointers :o)
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Lady Sue,
I've heard too much experimenting can lead to complications....
The key to getting html right is to close tags in the reverse order to that in which they are entered, e.g. <b>bold</b>
and:
<b><i>bold italic</i></b>
Think of it like going into a room, turning the light on, then the TV......then turning the TV off, then the light off and exiting.
Opening an un-ordered list(<ul>) must be followed by opening a list item (<li>) which must then be closed (</li>). You can then either open another list item (and close it) or not, but you must close the list itself (</ul>) to ensure tidiness...
Hope that helps.
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Lord nathan
great advice
I have a bookmarked page to a glen but did not want to risk posting the link here.
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Ok, testing...
blah blah blah
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WOO HOO!!! Lord_N you are a world-class genius and I apologise for being such a goose.
I didn't realise previously that the tag instructions would disappear and the text italicise itself only after clicking on Post Comment... durrr.
Testing again...
blah blah blah
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Should I be this excited about this new-found skill?
*slopes off to lie down in a dark room/hammock*...
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blah blah blah
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Well, how excitingis this???!!!
:O)
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Oh. Forgot the space.
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ChrisThePickle - I always write the whole post first, then go through and add tags - that way you don't miss spaces.
Also - if it's a very long post, with multiple tags, you can copy and paste them, thus saving valuable time.
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Thanks chaps! Will experiment later.
Meanwhile...
Mata Hari-Kari was torn for a moment. She knew time was of the essence but she understood the need to know Diggles and Fred were expressing. She also knew, having signed the ‘Official Secrets Act’, the ‘need to know’ was of paramount importance for keeping secrets just that, secret. She didn’t have time to tell them the whole story or any part of the secret history that linked them together.
“Of course I wasn’t trying to kill you, silly asses. No time to explain now. There’s a war on an you need to get that Camel to Blighty as fast as you can and above Hertfordshire to locate the faux plane-building sheds, which actually house a nest of Hun under the command of Mackie Messer, in a bunker deep in the leafy lanes, so you can drop the 25lb Cooper bombs.”
“Blimey,” said Diggles.
“As the Sopwith Camel is a single-seat fighter bi-plane with a combination of a short-coupled fuselage, heavy, powerful rotary engine and concentrated fire from twin synchronised machine guns, featuring a box-like fuselage structure with plywood-covered panels around the cockpit, and fabric-covered fuselage, wings and tail there isn’t an inch of space for Fred.” said Mata.
“Fred, the only way you are going to be able to go with Diggles is strapped to one of the wings. You’re needed at the other end but no time to explain now. Will you do it?”
“I’m up for it,” said Fred. There had been no doubt in Mata’s mind that he would wimp out of such an important mission – she now knew that Fred was made of stern stuff, despite softness of his skin and the roundness of his hips.
There was no time to lose. With its slow speed and comparatively poor performance at altitudes over 12,000 feet it was just as well the Camel would be in the hands of an experienced pilot. Though the Camel was not considered pleasant to fly, Diggles was fond of the old bird and flying over enemy lines wouldn’t present a problem to him. The Camel’s manoeuvrability was unmatched and its controls were light and sensitive – right up Diggles’ street but she thought it best to remind him that, in level flight, the Camel was markedly tail-heavy.
“Diggles, you will have to apply constant forward pressure on the control stick to maintain a level attitude at low altitude so Fred doesn’t slide off," said Mata “and whatever you do, don’t stall. It will immediately result in a spin and, as your Camel is particularly noted for its vicious spinning characteristics, Fred will be thrown off and you’ll most likely crash and burn.”
“Who the bally hell did she think she was talking to?” thought Diggles but he was momentarily stunned into silence, so impressed was he by her intimate knowledge of his favourite plaything. He’d crashed a couple of times before but he had no intention of crashing and burning now. It’s only fun the first few times and he wasn’t sure he could stand the high pitched screaming Fred might let out if he started to barn-storm just to put the wind up her, as he was perfectly entitled to do at any time in his capacity as her big brother, even during cases of international emergency.
Mata Hari-Kari pulled out a map from her cleavage. “Here Diggles, strap this to your knee so you can follow the contours.”
“I can’t strap that to my knee!” exclaimed Diggles in horror “It stinks to high heaven of Chanel No. 5. What will the chaps say?”
“Don’t be a damned fool Diggles,” said Fred, realising there were more important things at stake than the scent of a fighter pilot, besides which, she rather liked it.
“We’re here on the west coast,” said Mata, indicating a small island in the middle of nowhere, just inside the bit of the map that said ‘Beyond here, there be dragons’.
“How old IS this map?” asked Diggles, rather shocked by the ornate, illuminated illustrations, which didn’t normally appear on regulation issue RAF maps.
“There’s a war on Diggles. I just happened to have this one with me. I’m fond of dragons and collect memorabilia. It’s a perfectly good map and I want it back, by the way. You wont let it get... torn... or burnt... or bullet holes in it.... or anything – will you?”
The genuine anxiety and concern for the return of her antique map could be heard in the waver of her deep, velvet-like tones.
“Diggles, Blighty is this way” said Mata, pulling herself together and pointing to the pink bits.
“I know which way Blighty is,” said Diggles, getting a bit tetchy.
“As your Camel turns rather slowly to the left, which results in a nose up attitude due to the torque of the rotary engine, you must take advantage of its ability to turn to the right in half the time.”
“Are you suggesting I go from here,” Diggles pointed rather harder than necessary to the island on the map, “to here, by constantly turning right?”
“Isn’t that obvious? If you need to change your heading 90 degrees to the left, because of the faster turning capability, you should turn 270 degrees to the right instead.”
“Crikey,” said Fred knowing navigation wasn’t really Diggles’ strong point,”I hope we don’t wind up going round and round in circles. I get air sick, you know.”
“Now you tell me,” exclaimed Diggles. “Here am I about to embark on a Top Secret Mission to rid Blighty of concealed Hun in a bunker and you’re saying, if it wasn’t bad enough, I’m going to be doing it with a cockpit full of vomit?”
While Fred and Diggles enjoyed a familial exchange that was clearly going to go on some time, Mata set to work untying some of the camouflage to use the ropes for attaching Fred to the wing.
“If only I had my antique dagger," Mata cursed, “my family heirloom that had the ornate golden dragon and a coiled serpent on the hilt.”
“Ah,” said Fred suddenly paying attention, “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. You see. I half-inched it the other night in the bar. Here it is.”
Fred produced the antique dagger from her pocket. Mata’s green eyes flashed wide with amazement and was overwhelmingly pleased to see it but had to resist the urge to snatch it and immediately stab him.
“There’s something else,” said Fred, “it’s about the family crest of the ornate golden dragon and coiled serpent on the hilt...”
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There is some serious sopwith research in that sue!
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Stewart, I'm positively g@@gle-eyed.
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Sad that I am, the flight simulator that a certain Software company which is soft on mircos make has a sopwith camel option which does turn faster one way than t'other. Not that I ever play computer games anymore!
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(ordered list test)
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Lady Sue - respect!
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I say, steady on, Sue, old chapess! That's a lot to take in.
BIG reespeck for all that research.
Aren't text tags fun?!!
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From the ridiculous to the sublime, back in RL.
After spending the middle of the day entertaining the good people of a town in the Midlands with guitar and ukulele, I am now transformed into a mediaeval damsel complete with wafty chiffon outfit and veil prior to singing for my hog-roast supper at a friend's themed 60th birthday party.
I just know I'm going to get these silly sleeves in the gravy! I've already trapped my frock in a kitchen drawer once.
May I have a brief nap-ette in the purple hammock if it's free? I'll just tip my veil over my nose and....zzzz....zzz...zzz..zz..
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Anne: thank you. Most kind. I am rather camelled-out.
Fifi, you sound quite the fetching wench. What about a photo with a glass box of some kind for Sequin next week?
Right, I'm going to try to indent some text here:
Howzzat?
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Nope. No good. That was the 'blockquote' thing that one of the links promised wouldn't work and it didn't.
Here's the invisible "e" from above.
Time to get the bonfire all fired up! Massive amount of driftwood on the beach, well done whoever stacked all that up. What time's the part starting. I'll just go and get my raven wig and put in my green contact lenses.
Chocks Away!
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Here's a few bottles of fizz to get the party starting..RL's been good today so celebrations in order. Living as we do in the middle of a forest we have rather more than some number of woodpiles, and SO has finally given in and agreed to get a woodburning stove :o)
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did you mention Fizz, ValP?!!
just in time!!! I brought the cork screw (~~~~@), just in case, but you are quite right, champers is much better!!!
I'll open a couple quietly, in case Fifi hears us.....
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This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.
Still doesn't work. Drat!
But I seem to have cleared pre-mod
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Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
of license fee (binary only).
"
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Preston knows what I'm on about ;-)
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P.S. line 7 should read...
Sorry got carried away.
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Oh, goodie, a party and a bonfire. Here [heaves a large sack onto Nick's bar] are some marshmallows to toast.
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Feefs, what a day. 150 brownie points for 'mediaeval'.
Not hash brownies, though, imagine how you'd cope with your costume...
Val, a wood-burning stove, ooh, lovely.
Welcome to post-mod, Lord N.
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Another experiment, sorry chaps but needs must when the devil and all that.
An Irish Airman Foresees His Death
Please work.
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No no no! It didn't work. Infuriating!
It would help if I knew what the "li" and "ul" stood for. I tried and tried and now I'm going to stamp my foot and go straight to the fridge where a some wine is calling me to pour it into a glass and chill. Me that is. The wine is already chilled.
What am I doing wrong?
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Diggles peered again at the odd map strapped to his manly thigh. "Turn right here, and then where was it again?"
Mata sighed. Trust old Diggles to interrupt with practical down-to-earth pilot stuff when the conversation had got interesting. "Aim for the pink bits a bit further up your thigh," she explained patiently.
"Oh, sorry, old thing," Diggles muttered, buttoning his flies. "Didn't mean to flash."
Those go-faster stripes on his speedos didn't half catch the sunlight in the desert.
"About the dagger," said Fred urgently.
Mata gave the ace driver a withering glare.
Fred was undaunted. They didn't call her Fred the Fearless for nothing back at Unintelligence HQ. No, it cost a tanner or at worst a bob. It had cost Bob dear, once, before they became chums and shared Their Secret.
But enough back story, don't you know there's a war on? Bally Jerries to outwit, all that stuff? Do try to concentrate.
"I'd like to know where you got it," she continued. "That's a rather... unusual decoration. One I know well.
"You'll notice the serpent and dragon coiled around the hilt. Reminiscent of the caduceus, the healing staff used by the god Hermes. A distinctive double helix shape." Mind you, who knows what link there might be between a double helix and medicine? None, probably. Must ask Ros Franklin, who she'd made friends with after St Paul's had thrashed her old school, St Misery's, at lacrosse. Ros was a good egg and jolly clever at Stinks and Bilge.
"My grandfather had a dagger just like that," she continued. "It was given to him by Albert Pike."
Mata stifled a gasp.
But not quickly enough for a gel trained by British Unintelligence. "Ah! You've heard of him? Author of 'Morals and Dogma of the Ancient and Accepted Scottish Rite of Freemasonry', often referred to as the Masonic Bible. He was aware of the power of these symbols. The dragon and serpent are the 5th and 6th signs of the Chinese zodiac.
"Now you can see that the dragon has only three toes, which is how the Japanese depict dragon feet. But look closely. The fourth toes, characteristic of the Chinese dragon, have been smashed off.
"Which shows that this dagger is of Chinese origin, but disguised as a Japanese dragon.
"And it looks just like one I used to use during Double Torture lessons at school. My grandfather let me use it. But it... disappeared one summer vac and I never saw it again.
"Miss Hari-Kari, just how did you come by the dagger?"
Mata was frozen, her perfect pout distorted and frozen into a silent gasp, her huge, bewitching eyes nearly popping from their perfectly-made up sockets.
Swiftly, Fred grabbed the ropes that had fallen from Mata's hands as the beauty clasped them to her heaving bosom (and by golly, she could heave it!) and wrapped them round the slender, yet curvaceous, but mostly shaking form. A bit roughly, it has to be said.
"Diggles! Tie her to the other wing," Fred barked. "It'll balance out my (admittedly quite low, for my height) weight. And we can't let her escape now."
The flying ace leapt from the cockpit, cursed as he fell over, dratted again as he readjusted the map on his manly thigh, got up and helped Fred to truss Mata ever tighter.
"No!" cried Mata.
"Oh, jolly well yes, I'm afraid," snapped Fred.
"Rather," added Diggles, who saw the sense of balancing the Soppy Camel, especially with all those right turns to do.
And with Fred secured to one wing and Mata to the other, he felt the great weight of his two sisters - er, of responsibility to his two sisters, being as how they were both sylph-like and slender - as well as of his mission.
Chocks a bally well waaaayyyy!!!!! he thought excitedly. Minger and Olgy will never believe all this.
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Good advice, thanks Sid! I was born without my fair share of common sense!!
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li is ordered list and ul is unordered list, I think, but I haven't got that far in my rather basic study of html, Lady Sue.
Enjoy your chill.
PS: Don't read Diggles that peom, it might put him off.
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peom? sigh..... poem
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Regularly side-tracked into the unfolding, hugely enjoyable, tale of derring-do, I did pick up enough encouragement in all your postings to google lots and now I have some faces and an elephant's behind on my Favourites (the latter could be a red herring...)
45. Lady Sue: love the hat!!
52/53. Fifi: of course, you didn't do anything wrong, it's just that English is my second language and, quite unaccountably for a fluent speaker I believe I have become, I cannot do cryptic crosswords or similar for toffee. Once explained, I see it all clearly, but get just as baffled by a new one. For a moment I thought you set a riddle that somebody from my background was bound to fail, so I didn't even try. The nice thing is that not only did I know the answer once you gave it, but I listened to you (with pleasure) way back when, and, after your jokey "Gotcha!" message on the Furrowed Brow in spring, I posted to you there saying that you hadn't checked in the very musical social site since April. Ditto tonight.
With a very few grim exceptions, I find all the bloggers here excellent company both for fun and for moments of serious support, to say nothing of the worthwhile day-by-day current affairs commentary.
I must sign up to the book, but I shall do it properly (my sons and daughters-in-law are on it, I don't want them to cringe at Mother.) Come to think of it, after all I've done in life they are probably cringe-proof by now. Still, I must as least find a presentable photo.
This process has now begun...
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meanwhile, still back in the office...
JC racked her brains for inspiration. A prosthetic forearm? Did he know how much those things cost? She picked up the PM petty-cash box, (a piggy bank that sat on her desk), & shook it more in hope than expectation. A forlorn rattle, & when she upended it a few Arabic coins and a washer and one of those metal hotel-parking tokens were all that fell out. "Hmmm, that'll be all the change from Hugh's expenses last trip" she thought. "I expect he spent most of the rest on cat food for that tubby tabby he's so fond of. Not much help there then."
Suddenly, she glimpsed on the other side of the crowded office, in a whirl of activity, a possible saviour. It was the Manager, Audience Radio 4 (Consultations) - she couldn't remember his name, but as they always referred to him by his job-title acronym "M.A.R.C." it didn't matter. She tried to think of his second name, but that was a blank too. Oh well... She beckoned him over.
"I need you to find me a false arm" she announced.
"Left or right?"
JC smiled to herself. That was what she liked about him. No unecessary questions. Just an immediate grasp of the essential points.
Making an executive decision (how did she know if it was supposed to be left or right? She had no instructions...)she replied "Doesn't matter. Either. But we can't pay for it. Can you trawl your people panel to see if someone's got one we can use?"
"Leave it with me." and he was gone in another whirl of activity.
JC pushed aside the cloud charts that had unaccountably been dumped on her desk, and wondered how long it would be before M.A.R.C. had something to report. Not long, she suspected.
To be continued...
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cossackgirl - yay!!
that is good news
n-n
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Cossackgirl @112; at the risk of sounding patronising as I don't know you or how long you've been learning English, I just want to say how fantastically well I think you speak our difficult language! I wish I could speak any other language even half as well...
Look forward to welcoming you on "that" book!
:O)
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Hi to Cossackgirl (and thanks for explaining) ...
From tonight I'll be offline mostly, as we are hieing ourselves to Mum's for the next week. And her wifi is apparently on the blink.
Be good! And if you can't be good be careful. xxx
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Hi Cossack Girl,
Look for me and make yourself known on the "other side"
Dosvedanya (I don't do cyrillic)
For the html players:
<ul> opens an "un-ordered list" (no numbers, but bullet points)
<ol> opens an "ordered list" (choice of numbering/lettering, but apparently not in this software)
<ol type="i"> should give lower case roman numbering, but simply serves to get rid of those pesky bullets.
Once a list has been opened, it needs "list items", each opened and closed (<li> [whatever]</li>)
And then don't forget to close the list (<ul> OR </ol>)
As the meerkat said, "Simple, really!"
;-}
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should read:
And then don't forget to close the list (</ul> OR </ol>)
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Morning Peeps,
I still dont have broadband connection at home, so no Diggeling from me yet. But good to see the co-authors on the ball.
Now you all have fun and play nicely.
(This message was brought to via 56k dial up connection)
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"Stop! Look here," said Mata, "before you go off half-cocked with me tied to the other side of the plane, I've got to stay here on the beach. Let me explain," she said as she deftly wriggled her curvaceous figure free from the ropes.
"The chaps at HQ got some Unreliable Unintelligence that pointed to the nest of Hun being underneath Nick’s Bar - you know, the place with the big white arches, the ceiling fans and the roulette tables in the back room, where that chap tinkles ‘As Time Goes By’ on the piano.”
“I know it well,” said Diggles, “it’s the place everybody goes.”
“Well, a few ex-pats go to the bar at the other end of the beach called ‘The Blue Parrot’ run by the large gent who wears a fez and I was rather hoping I might be able to do Nick’s a favour and blow it up instead but it wasn’t to be and orders are orders,” said Mata. “I looked for you both everywhere but you’d simply vanished and I had no time to waste.”
Mata pondered for a moment that she seemed to spend a good deal of her life with no time to waste. She didn’t mention that, in blowing up Nick’s bar, she would also have blown herself to smithereens. With a name like ‘Hari-Kari’ her fate seemed sealed as soon as she was born but, so far, she’d been able to avoid an untimely end.
“In a quirk of fate and for climatic circumstances beyond my control, the secret weapon that no-one dare call by name didn’t activate. Instead of blowing up the bar properly at the appointed hour at the end of last week, we all got soaked and, well, you know the rest.”
“So it was just luck that prevented you from blowing us all to kingdom come,” said Fred, very matter-of-fact.
“Luck, circumstances and keyboards beyond my control,” said Mata. “There is a war on.”
“Miss Hari-Kari, before we leave I simply must clarify a few things. We suspect you to be the daughter of Susie Hari-Kari,” said Fred.
“Wong,” said Mata.
“You mean you’re not?” gasped Fred in astonishment.
“I am - but she changed her name to Wong when we fled to Honkers after her disastrous love affair with a British bounder and cad of Olympian standards. There’s no time for this idle chit chat,” said Mata, “family histories are tedious to anyone but those involved.”
Fred tried to cut in but Mata raised a perfectly manicured finger to silence her.
“Listen very carefully, I will say this only once,” said Mata.
After you’ve bombed Baron von Vinkle’s sheds, you Fred, have to parachute down and rescue one of our brave Russian allies.”
“But I haven’t got a parachute,” said Fred.
“I’ll give you some silk-stockings and some string and you can sew one up on your way over.”
“But I’ll be tied to the wing,” objected Fred.
“Why is it men can only do one thing at a time?” replied Mata, getting a little impatient with all Fred’s interruptions. “You’ll just have to multi-task.”
“Stop your bellyaching Fred. Cut to the chase, Mata. Just who is this brave Russian ally?” said Diggles, keen to get his hands on the controls of the Camel and do the thing he did best.
“You are both sworn to absolute secrecy,” they nodded in agreement. “It’s Czar Blogonovitch.”
“Blogonovitch? You mean the chap who wields all the power behind the scenes on this very island?” asked Fred, wide eyed and incredulous that she was being entrusted to undertake such a serious first time solo mission.
“The very chap.”
“How will I recognise him?” asked Fred.
“According to our intelligence, you’ll find him in a paper strewn, tiny office that’s more like a broom cupboard, sitting, possibly tied to his desk, with his feet up, mug of cold, foul smelling coffee to one side, a stack of dog-eared gadgetry magazines in a pile on the floor beside him. He’ll either be dozing or throwing darts at a BBC organisational wall chart. Be careful – he wont know you’re coming and he’s a ruthless, trained killer who could blot you out at any time with the slightest nudge of his joy stick. Your job is to rescue him and bring him back here alive. Now give me back my dagger and get going! There’s no more time to waste!”
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Cossackgirl@112: please zing me a message via that image with that hat so we can make proper contact.
You can restrict who sees your profile so I wouldn't worry about sons and daughters-in-law seeing something you would prefer they didn't.
I can't do cryptic crosswords either - you are not alone!
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I can't do them either - in fact I don't even try because it makes me feel so inadequate.
Cossack girl, you should be able to find me too after the "Upshares" thread - I've got a profile picture that gives a big hint...
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Cossackgirl(112)
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Hmmmm.....using the ul in pointy brackets has just removed my comment!
Any road up, as I was saying......
Cossackgirl (112) That's great news - as Lady Sue says, your nearest and dearest need never know ;o)
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Remember:
If you use an html "tag" (<tag>)you must close it with a corresponding "tag" (</tag>)
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I really don't think we should be encouraging each other to keep secrets from family.
:o)
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Lord Nathan (125) I know!! ;o)
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lucien_desgai (126) I thank my lucky stars that my family don't tell me everything!
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Thanks to you all for your teccy advice. Watch this space...
On second thoughtd..
l_d
Why?....
mxx
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When I was a young man (and foolish), I used to study the Times crossword assiduously without filling in the answers ... then later in the day, when a suitably impressionable audience was available, I'd say 'Oh look, the Times crossword ...' and fill in the answers while scarcely looking at the clues.
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Some things change over time and some don't?
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Indeed, my good Lord ... I am now young and wise!
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"I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now..."
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Afternoon all, just back from the High Sheriff's service so I've put the kettle on.
Splendid occasion for an office dating back to Saxon times. Procession of cadets and flags, carmine robed choir, golden mitred bishop, assorted other clerics both plain and tuppence coloured, judges in their eighteenth century gowns and wigs, the High Sheriff himself in velvet, white ruffles and knee breaches, and ladies with huge white ostrich feathers in their hats.
We were a touch late and had to view from the balcony, looking down on a thin film of dust on the brass chandeliers, the bright lights that looked brighter in the gathering gloom. Gale blowing outside, but the rain stopped. Fascinating example of the way in which England consolidates and retains its traditions.
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Splendid description of what sounds like an impressive occasion, Anne.
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Gosh Anne, all sounds fascinating. What was it all about? More please.
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121. LADY SUE! Would you believe it, for a moment I thought you were talking about masses of driftwood on your beach in RL - I dashed here to ask you to hang on to it and multiply it:
President Putin has just given Europe warning that there can be problems with gas deliveries (again!) while they are sorting Ukraine's non-payments (again!). I don't expect our techies know how to materialise web wood for winter... Anyway, we have been warned.
PS I shall register asap and knock at your door...
119.SPROUTGHOST: thank you, thank you!! I thought I was the only one left on dial-up; for various technical reasons I do not have Broadband for now and it may be a few months yet. I hie myself to the Library to listen to music or watch videos. Uploading pictures on this 56k dial up becomes a very lengthy procedure, though not impossible...
122.ANNASEE: I have seen that thread already because for once I really enjoyed the Upshares tune. I wish we could get them to keep it! Thanks for the invite, will do...
ditto Lord Nathan, Nikki, Molly and all.
115. ChrisThePickle (are you also an oldtimer with a new name? - I am that confused..!) Anyway, your kind comment is much appreciated. You may wish to revise the level of praise when I tell you that I arrived on these shores in early 70s and I still have a distinct accent: it makes my lectures on the old Soviet life sound more authentic, but otherwise is a nuisance.
116. FIFI!!! Your mother has WiFi that can go wrong??! No, let me put it another way: your mother has WiFi??!! Brilliant! I hang my head in shame and promise to do better technically! Enjoy your stay, I am glad that we are friends, I always liked you a lot (even before they restored your comment at 48 ;o)). And I can bake cakes...
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Cossackgirl @ 137: I'm an oldish timer, but with the same name - I've been absent for most of this year!
:O)
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Chris - I hope you've brought a note to explain your absence ...
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"Not so jolly fast, Miss Wong or whoever you call yourself today," snapped Fred.
Mata sighed. The whole point was to be fast. "What now?" she snapped back (Girls! Honestly! thought Diggles), tapping a perfect nail on the fuselage.
"As I said before, why should we trust you? You show up out of nowhere, nearly blow us up - except for an accident of nature - start spouting off about Blogonovich and seem to have a very detailed knowledge of Jerry's devious plans. Who sent you? I'm not going off on a wild goose chase at your suggestion, thank you so very much."
"There is no time for this!" Mata was almost losing her considerable cool.
"I say, Mata, she's right," Diggles ejaculated. He always got excited at the prospect of action, but thought that maybe a tactical withdrawal was the wisest move.
"And how do you expect me to give you the bally knife back when I'm trussed up like a fly in a spider's web?" sneered Fred.
Ah. Mata considered. "Diggles, get it for me," she ordered.
"Steady on, old girl," he protested. But just as he was considering getting out of the cockpit again, Fred yelled:
"Kitty! Get her!" and a small ball of fur and needles flew at Mata's remarkable frontage. In the same moment Fred leapt from the wing, triumphantly shouting: "Jolly useful for cutting ropes, that knife!"
For a few moments Diggles looked on, enjoying the spectacle of a cat - well, kitten and two women, to be strictly accurate, and Diggles, like Fred, was always strictly accurate - fight as well as seeing his two sisters squabble. But as Fred and the kitten subdued Mata he leapt out of the cockpit, fell over (drat!) got up, readjusted the map strapped to his manly thigh, which was getting slightly numb now (blast!) and hobbled over to point his shooter at the angry young woman, now being re-trussed by Fred.
"Ok, Mata, no more funny business or by Jove you'll get a bullet through you!"
Mata glared at him. She'd have to explain. But quickly! There was even less of the no time to lose that there already had been.
And, dear reader, we must hope she does so quickly. Because, at the Jerry sheds, Herr Kommandant Schicklgruber and his Number Two, Schott, were beginning to karry out Plan B.
"Jawohl, mein Kommandant!" shouted Schott, saluting enthusiastically. His outstretched arm hit 'Mackie Messer' on the nose.
"Schott!" yelled the Kommandant. Or something like "Schott", anyway. "Get to Blogonovich's cell now! And karry it out!!!!"
An evil grin spread over Schott's already dastardly face. He was a baddie, after all. Picking up a large bag which rattled and clunked in a menacing manner, he set out towards the Russian's small, smelly cell.
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Sid @ 139: Um, I'm sorry Sir but I spilled coffee on it, then I accidentally dropped it in some, um, flour, and then... errr, my dog ate it. Sir. Sorry Sir.
*think he bought it...*
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Very good, Pickle. Sit down and get on with your work.
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Cossackgirl (112)
As Lady Sue said in an earlier posting, you can restrict who can view your site. Although most froggers use their real names, one or two of us continue to use our Beach identities. Personnally I prefer to use my Beach name,( which happens to be my middle name anyway ),so it's up to you.
mxx
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[Oh Frances O! No pressure then...
Very amusing chapter.]
Morning Leaping Froggers! Very wet start to the week in RL, thank goodness it's lovely and sunny on the beach.
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Morning All! Despite 'upgrading' I don't feel any different... should I be jumping with a new lease of life?
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I say! There's something a bit fishy going on this morning! I just wrote a comment in response to gossipmistress and when I hit 'Post Comment' mine vanished and hers came back as identical (even number 145) to the one posted before.
I suspect this jiggery-pokery to be the evil doings of those German chaps@140!
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Now the second 145 has gone! Mine never turned up.
This is all making me dizzy. Time for a swim.
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Good morning. Just time for a qick dip, a slurp and a quick nibble before I take Mother shopping.
See you later!
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What the flippin heck is going on?
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I've set up a new set of hammocks and loungers behind the NCMB for refugees of the "renaming yourself" crisis. Food and drinks are laid out ready, and the sound system will be playing soothing sounds to help you relax....
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Thanks Fearless - much needed - my nerves are frazzled. It's the regeneration process y'know.
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A lovely fresh loaf for you all - still warm. Some freshly sliced chicken and a nice fresh salad - tuck in and have a sandwich or two...
Oh and some frazzles - remember them? http://www.jakehowlett.com/tuckshop/wrappers/snacks/crisps/frazzles.jpg
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I've decided to number my posts to see how long it takes to come out of premod [8]
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and this makes nine - though when it was first introduced I'm sure it was only six. Apologies for drivel, but I really would like to get my self back.
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What a way to spend time (ten).
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Hopefully it won't take too long, Anne :-)
I remember Frazzles, Jonnie! You can still get the supermarket own-brand versions of them, I believe....
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Well, up to twelve so far, not counting all the ones that have disappeared.
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156 FF
But the supermarkets don't do bacon and tomato ketchup flavour, so there's no point.
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I don't remember frazzles - is this a senior moment - did I miss out on something great? [13]
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Coo-ee!
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Well, comment number fourteen went awol - I was thrown out and had to refresh about four times before I got the comments box back.
Is it worth it? [14/15]
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Were they bacon-flavoured things, sort of looked like miniature streaky, but dissolved nastily in the mouth, akin to prawn crackers?
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ValP (162) Yep, those were the beasties! I used to love them as a kid...
Frankly (160) Coo-ee!
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Well, hello Mr Fred! Fancy a frazzle?
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Where's my comment?All new members are pre-moderated initially, which means that there will be a short delay between when you post your comment and when it appears while one of our moderators checks it.
What do I do if I don't want it checked - if I want it striped, perhaps, or plain?
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Just lost another posting on the identity thread - identity theft ???
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...and the comments box keeps disappearing only to be retrieved by going to 'sign in' and clicking on 'back'...(twice)
All I can say is it had better be fixed by tomorrow.
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Frazzle is also a much ignored member of the Sesame Street cast.
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I've just been stamping my feet bad-temperedly all over the other threads. They can't even manage to keep the inconsistencies consistent. For Heaven's sake, what on earth are they trying to achieve by this, complete alienation?
I'm off to make some strong coffee, and break out the emergency chocolate raisins. Can I bring any back with me for anyone? That's presuming I can get back in later......grrrrr!
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ValP - this is my third attempt to thank you for your kind offer, and ask you to make mine dark chocolate please. If this doesn't get through I think I will give up for the day.
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..and now instead of the comment disappearing it's telling me I've already said it! which means I think that my apparently accepted thanks to ValP for the chocolate has completely disappeared even after three attempts.
Definitely time to stop.
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No relaxation on the beach today. This new log in is a right palava
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What fun!
Brought to you by the highly skilled BBC Communities Team!
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I just spotted the camels behind the dunes, munching on people's posts.
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Not to mention their smoothly diplomatic gifts....
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175 L_N
Don't tell me the camels have started on the Ferrero Rocher now.
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l-d - camels munching on our posts, love it! :-)
AnneP (won't ever get used to the new one!) - sorry for the delay, I had to suck all the milk chocolate off and dip them in plain instead;o) Getting plain choc raisins proved just as difficult as it is now to source plain chocolate brazils for SO. If anyone can suggest a supplier of the latter, please let me know. Used to be able to buy them from one of those stall that appear in shopping malls - you know the ones - but they no longer seem to stock them. Consternation.
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ValP - I've tried changing it back but it doesn't work properly. Now why does that not surprise me.
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Previously on 'Diggles - Death on the Dunes':
... An evil grin spread over Schott's already dastardly face. He was a baddie, after all. Picking up a large bag which rattled and clunked in a menacing manner, he set out towards the Russian's small, smelly cell. ...
With a deft movement and some fast, sword-like swishing sounds, Mata used her Olympic standard martial arts skills to Houdini-like get free of the ropes Fred was rather clumsily trying to tie her with. She did a quick double somersault and aimed a sharp forward kick of her pointy stiletto at Diggles' shooter making it fly through the air in a perfect arc straight into her own hands.
"Blimey," said Diggles, feeling a bit unmanned without his weapon "what happened there?"
Then for a brief moment she turned her attention to the tiny kitten, flashing her green eyes directly into the blue eyes of the kitten, which immediately came under her spell and started falling asleep (as seen last week on another thread).
"That's you sorted Razors," she said as the little bundle fell asleep on the dunes.
"Calm down Fred, Diggles - I simply don't have time to explain now but trust me! I am on your side," she said, placing the pistol in a garter at the top of her perfectly toned, fishnet stocking-covered thigh.
"We have to work quickly as even now I suspect Czar Blogonovitch to be in mortal danger. There's no knowing what he might do if he feels his very existence is being threatened. I am sure in my coal black heart of hearts that, even now in the Jerry sheds, Herr Kommandant Schicklgruber and his Number Two, Schott, are beginning to carry out Plan B."
"Everything today has been most peculiar," said Diggles.
"Rather," said Fred.
"That's because Plan B will seriously upset everything and everyone we know and care about, not only on this spectacular beach on this tiny island in the middle of nowhere but back in Blighty and beyond. It's possible Plan B might upset the time and space continuum and our nearest and dearest may be kept from us forever, their attempts at communication will simply disappear into the ether. It could be a total catastrophe!" she exclaimed.
"Just as well you put the kitten to sleep then," observed Diggles.
"Do shut up Diggles," said Fred, finally seeing sense.
"Come on you two, get going," said Mata, "We've got work to do before art starts imitating life, or worse, the other way around."
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Go Mata, go!
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Well, well, well, not a happy bunch of Froggers... Now I'll see if this posts (first try of the day and first try ever at posting from work PC- shhhh)...
3....
2....
1....
Press Post Comment!!!
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*creeps back to screen*
Oooh, it seems to have worked, gosh!!
Right, off for some Gym torture now, back later
xx
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179 done in far too much of a rush - should have placed the scene back on the beach at the start, sorry about that everyone. I'd like to claim that the first paragraph disappeared in transit but that would be a little white lie.
Mata communicates her thanks to you Anne, via another medium and says she's only just getting ready to start kicking some serious wotsit. With any luck Diggles and co. will bring the Czar back to the beach so fellow froggers can have a few words about the havoc being wreaked today.
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Could it be the net that was cast that caught the bomb that saved the beach is the same net that's enveloped the blog in mire and jumbliness? Ooops - sorry chaps....it wisnae me
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I know it's not William Shatner ... but what the hell!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_eaAk57oUY
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Frankly, I find that shocking!
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[Looks round nervously] Is it safe in here? Now I've gone through the kefuffle and got in?
Is it worth it?
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Quite honestly Frances, I'm still not sure - but then I've been through regeneration and it does strange things to a body.
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Frances it's always safe here. But as to it being worth it........
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Frances@187: so pleased to welcome you back. Well done you for getting through enemy lines.
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Lady Sue:
thank you so much for pasting my comment re Putin's threats on gas in the AM GB. I expect with all the pandemonium both on the Blog and in the RL (AND the need to keep away from tension while Miliband is in Moscow) this subject will hit the headlines only when the hiccups in gas supplies to Europe start again...
The technical bother on the Blog seems to have subsided (famous last words?)
143. Molly
I spent much of today selecting and downsizing some things I would like to put in that book, like my paintings of Master & Margarita and an improbably young photo to grace the page. But I am still reluctant to go under my name, though I am not remotely as well-known as some other bloggers / faces. I may well follow your example. I think I shall sign in tomorrow with a fresh head after all the recent PM Blog excitement.
I do hope all bloggers will make it through the minefield...
138.CTP
So you came back after a long break? It is a bit addictive, isn't it? I began posting in late winter and flounced off a couple of times in sheer frustration, but there are such good people posting here that I felt I was punishing myself...
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Cossackgirl - looking forward to catching up with you in the other place, well done you for doing all the preparation first. It took me forever to get around to uploading a photo!
Well it's me for hitting the hay early tonight, catch up with y'all tomorrow I hope. Any of us still awol?
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Yay!
Stewart- you'll be proud of me!!! Registered !!!
Well, I can't understand what all the fuss is about...;-)
Cossackgirl- good luck!
Mxx
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GGGGRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!
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n-n (194)
Made it! Yay!
Mxx
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Molly I was logging in over lunch when it was all pear shaped. It now seems fine again. Port anyone?
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After a day like this? Macallan (not too young), Talisker or Laphraoig, I think. Other malty drinks are available.
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@195 barely, Molly
and we took some casulties (sp) I think
Who were those 'guys'?
I think we lost 'em on the way over...
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Changing Nicknames:
Go to the Magic Archway and enter an discussion. That will get you signed on as a "messageboard member".
Then, if you look middle-upper-right, you'll see an opportunity to change your nickname - that's how I dumped my _underline_
;-)
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Lord Nathan - Nope. It elicits the message "You are not permitted to change your details"
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Frankly, that was very amusing but now I have that song by Mr. Spock and his little helpers going round and round in my head, so I'm not going to thank you for it!
Cossackgirl, you are welcome. Thanks for letting us know the preferred spelling of Tsar, will stick to it in future. Look forward to seeing you via another medium.
Molly, as part of the advance group going through enemy lines, I echo Stewart and nikki above - it was chaos!
Night night, will also catch up with y'all at a more appropriate hour.
[turns out last remaining light]
*click*
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well it looks about the same to me. coffee anyone?
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What time does everyone get up round here? I've finished Little Red's coffee, and put more on ... and put the kettle on for tea.
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Lord Nathan - doesn't work for me either. I tried it yesterday with my new username and it tells me my account is locked and offers me an id question I never created. I suspect that the new username I selected was already in use by someone else! (and of course I was not prevented from selecting it for my regeneration). I now have a split personality with an apparently changed id of Anne-P. but a display id of Anne-reborn.
The many faces of Anne.
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Testing...
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Lord Nathan, you're a genius, I've been trying to do that for ages!
I see that the sign-in probs seem to have abated this AM, has anyone not made it through? Do we need to mount a rescue mission?
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Ana I don't show up as "you" anymore...
I'm me again ;-)
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You have to actually start to be am "messageboard member" by posting a comment on one of the discussions. It will then take you to a page telling you're now a member....
THEN it'll offer you the namechange mid-upper-right...
;-)
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TWIC - Big Sister is still locked out.
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Sorry, please replace that "a" with a "d", got a bit overexcited I'm afraid.
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A brief thrill, I fear. You'll always be you...
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Lord N. the point is that I can't sign in to the Archers Message Board using my new username, for which it says the account is locked!
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Deja vu? I've just received a scam offering me the opportunity to update my details in another place....and believe me, it's a scam!
Don't be fooled by imitations!
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Just got a message from Big Sister, she is still in exile from this blog, it seems the new ID system won't accept her username at the final stage.
If someone could investigate it would be greatly appreciated.
In her own word "I'm currently crying with the frustration of it all :("
I've tried everything I can think of to no avail :(
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Am I now Preston Firmlie rather than PrestonFirmlie?
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Preston,
YES!
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Morning all, and thanks for the coffee, Frankly. I'm not stopping long, as RL is a little hectic today. Will try at lunchtime to do a check of logging in to see if things have quietened down....
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reviously on Diggles…
"Come on you two, get going," said Mata, "We've got work to do before art starts imitating life, or worse, the other way around."
With Diggles at the controls of his Soppy Camel, Freddie swung the prop and the Le Rhone 9J rotary coughed once and then roared into life “Quick Freddie” shouted Diggles over the noise of the engine “jump in and sit on my lap, I’ll work the rudder peddles, you will have the joystick.
And with a cloud of sand behind the Camel carrying Diggles, Freddie and the kitten roared down THE BEACH and leapt into the air. Diggles set course for the home of 53(F) squadron and wondered if he would be in time for lunch. Freddie was wondering if Mata would be successful in rescuing Czar Blogonovitch
..to be continued….
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Thank you my Lord!
Anne, I'd have another go at what Lord Nathan has suggested and maybe play around with it a bit. I was having absolutely no joy and then suddenly it worked.
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Like FF RL is busy for me as well but will try my best with some Diggleing!
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Preston - I had to use a new username to create the new id. When I log in as that username on the Archers Board it says the account is locked due to repeated failed password attempts and offers to let me answer a 'secret question' which is certainly not one I ever set up. I suspect therefore that there are two of me ! I've emailed BBC Membership as per yesterdays' link and await results - but not with baited (sp.?) breath.
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Anne - I'd have a go at the secret question! The answer is likely to be either 'Rover' or 'Smyth'.
And it's 'bated'. It comes from 'abate', which some people apparently hadn't heard of before Tony McNulty and the Parliamentary Commissioner used it the other day.
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Thanks Preston, I knew I must have got it wrong!
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Ah! At last it seems I can access the Beach again!
I gather there were "issues" yesterday of a technical, someone's kicked the plug out, who let the blue smoke that powers electrical equipment out, it wasn't me it was three other blokes and I was on the other side of town at the time kind of nature.
Any coffee?
;o) []
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How d'you like your coffee Wonko? I should know by now :o(
As to blue smoke, I was all set to let the smokedust of yesterday settle, but somehow still find that my ears are quietly steaming. So sorry for Big Sis and any others who don't have any kind of communication back-up for folks to plead on their behalf. What a waste of everyone's time!
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Am I now Lady Sue rather than Lady_Sue?
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You are indeed, Lady Sue :-)
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Hurrah! Lord Nathan - you are nothing short of genius. The only tricky bit was working out what to post, so I just put a "message in a bottle" under the debate about who the most irritating 'Archers' character is. Didn't like their blog-site much - even with all the bellyaching about this one it is MUCH better.
Have another go Anne. I've suggested to Big Sis, via a different medium, that she contacts the techie-wizards direct to talk her through the problem. Hang on in there Big Sis! It will all come right in the end.
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Sprouty! I was getting fond of that kitten!
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Hello everybody
This may be a valedictory post, depending on how things pan out at lunchtime. I've had a message from the Membership Team that the issue that's blocked me from creating the new iD should be fixed around lunchtime. If it isn't, I'm not sure I can carry on with this as it is really winding me up and I have wasted about ten hours between yesterday morning and now trying to sort this out. Life is too short.
Anyway, I've created this temporary ID elsewhere, which may of course completely b*gger up any hopes of recovering Big Sister, who can say? but at least it's given me a chance to wave to you all before, possibly, having to do a Reginal Perrin off the shores of Fido's Run.
It's been fun while it lastsed.
Big Sis
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A mutual friend advises me there are few ways to waste more time and energy....
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*Pokes head over sand dune*
I just want to know if my registration thingy worked.
H.
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Any word on Big Sis yet?
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Tick Tock Tick Tock
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How strange ... I went to bed last night not feeling myself, and I woke up this morning feeling somebody else. Is that normal?
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Big Sister won't be back until at least 4pm, which is the new estimated time for her 'fix'.
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Big Sis - Don't leave us! Even Reggie Perrin came back from his paddle, so here's hoping you can do the same. Why does a certain phrase involving well lubricated social interaction in a facility for the production of fermented vegetable produce spring to mind?
Val - sorry for being so long in replying, I expect the coffee is cold by now. I'll put a fresh pot on. Black, one sugar please for future reference.
Wonko... or am I? Yes, I am. But that's exactly what you would expect me to say, or would you?
;o) []
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Yes we would
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Wonko - yes it's you, I recognise your smiley face, and of course claim my ten-bob note.
Voice - I'm so-o aggrieved for you, what on earth are they up to?
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Is it safe to come out from behind this BBC i-dune now?
it worked for me, easy-peasy. I just had to do a groundhog registration loop for a while, send off two or three emails (via a contact-us thingy - allowing only 250 characters, but ommitting to provide any count - so I had to count them all myself, less it got beyond 250 and I got an error. Lovely). Then I waited for about an hour - and presto! Here I am!
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andycroak - I hope you are, and not just a figment of your own imagination ;o)
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Val - Aha! Fooled you. I'm not you, I'm me of course, you're you! So, I claim my ten bob note!
;o) []
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Wonko - Val can't be you - that's me!!
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Wonko & Gillianian - You're both wrong. You are Wonko and Gillianian and I'm you.
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Gillianianian : if I'm not a figment of mine, who's am I?
Oooo-ooooh :)
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Previously on Diggles….
…..Freddie was wondering if Mata would be successful in rescuing Tsar Blogonovitch
With Diggles working the rudder pedals, fighting a viscous cross-wind caused by a late breakfast at the NC bar and Freddie griping his joystick the pair made a near perfik three pint landing on 53(F) Squadrons strip. Diggles cut the switches and the 110hp Le Rhone 9J rotary engine came to a standstill and for a few moments the pair enjoyed the peace and quiet before they heard the joyous cries coming from the pilots and ground crew of 53(F) Sqdn. as the ran toward the Soppy Camel.
Freddie climbed out of the cockpit followed stiffly by Diggles. Flying always had that effect on him, the excitement of soaring high above the lush green fields always brought the colour to his cheeks.
Minger was the first to arrive, “Wow, nice pussy” he exclaimed catching sight of Freddie as she removed the still sleeping kitten from inside her tunic.
“Skipper, you look a bit stiff, you OK?” enquired Olgy as he caught sight of his boss!
“Don’t worry old bean” countered the CO of 53(F) squadron “it’ll soon wear off. May I introduce my sister, Fiona “Freddie” Littletool of Bonking Binkers Binky’s Unintelligence unit.”
“Charmed I’m sure” said Minger. “Steady Minge, she is crack shot with the 34 B cup slingshot!. Now we have loads to discuss. Any idea what’s for lunch?” Diggles asked as the intrepid group headed towards the Mess.
“No idea Skip, but good news, we captured an enemy Custard convoy yesterday”
To be continued…..
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I'm Spartacus!
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I'm amazed!
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Just testing to see if I am who I think I am - or not.
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Anyone happen to catch thw Women's Hour serial this week?
;-)
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Still not, it would appear.
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Anne-reborn - Sid thinks he's Sid?
Wonko - now if only I could remember the words to I am the Walrus ;-)
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I am not a number or a login or a sign in, I am a free woman!
Big Sis, if you can be faffed to come back and read this, give it one last blast.
It only took about 15 minutes last night, whoopee!
Give us back our 11 days, or failing that our old names, log ins and recent comments!
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Fearless and Sprouty: did you hear about the journalists interviewing Michael Douglas at a press conference? He was getting a bit "uppity" when they were putting the heat on him and he said,
"You don't understand, I am the son of Kirk Douglas!"
"No, I am the son of Kirk Douglas!"
"No, I am the son of Kirk Douglas!"
This reverberated around the room. Bet he stomped out.
Lord Nathan - what was it?
Nope. Didn't work. Caught a bullet. Life imitating art.
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Val - "Cu, cu, ca-choo" I believe is the phrase in question. We are both together.
A bright spark once told me I was a filament of a derranged imagination!
So, if I'm you and Gillianian is all three of us and Anne is reborn and Preston is Spartacus does that mean that I'm not myself today? That would explain a lot. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.
Is the Sun over the yard arm somewhere? After all this metaphysicality I could do with a G&T. Or could I?
;o) []
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There's still some bubbly behind the NCB, waiting for Big Sis's imminent arrival - perhaps we could open one quietly while we wait?
Lord Nathan - what was it? I may have heard it yesterday but can't remember. *sigh* brain like a sieve these days. Has anyone else tried the brain training site a pal recommended to me? She swears it's helping her memory already.
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Hey, ANNE-P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Hey indeed - nothing I've done, and I suspect it's been manipulated behind the scenes to achieve it. Still can't log into the Archers site though. Even though I'd rather be hyphenless it is an improvement - just a shame it was necessary at all.
Holding my breath for the reappearance of Big Sister at 4 pm.
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But Anne, you've manged to shed your history!
I used to be Anne P.
"
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Right, 4.15 pm and I'm inviting Froggers to join me in sending a mighty wave of ether Frogpower in Big Sis's direction.
One, two, three - zzappppppppppppppp!!
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Val, Wonko, 'I am you and you are you and we are you and we are altogether confused'
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four, five, six - zzappppppppppppppp!!
;-)
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Ffred (247) you can get tablets for that
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I am the SproutGhost.
They are the SproutGhosts.
I am the walrus.
Goo goo g'joob
I think!
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Lord N (259) - so I have, how odd. That implies, I think, that they had in fact to create a new id rather than just rename it. And I just checked and the change of name under settings is supposed to propagate to all your postings - after a while.
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Is she here yet? Co-eeeeeeee Big Sis?
Will the real Anne-P please stand up?
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"Custard!" ejaculated Diggles, his excitement getting the better of him. "Jolly D! Any chance of spotted dick?"
"I should bally well hope not," replied the startled Minger. "We had a thorough check-up by the regimental quack only last week."
"No custard for you, Diggs, old thing," muttered Fred, her mind and scarf still full of the viscous wind caused by her brother's up-chuck as they took off from the Beach.
"Beef broth's the thing. Olgy, can you manage that?"
"Rather! And what would you like?"
"A long soak in a hot bath, but -"
She stopped as her two new acquaintances turned a manly shade of pink and coughed with embarrassment -
"A grilled chicken breast and some salad would be good."
("I wish she wouldn't use that sort of language," muttered Minger. "Puts a chap off his single-minded dedication to his mission, what?")
"I say," added Olgy. "Don't you know there's a war on? We've got dried eggs, bully beef, snoek or spam."
"Don't you know you should never touch spam?" snapped Fred. "Delete it from your tuckbox immediately after marking it as unsafe."
The airmen shared a glance of incomprehension. These chaps from Unintelligence talked gobbledegook half the time.
And so it was that after a quick meal of snoek and potatoes, with a tasy morsel of beef for Fred's pussy, they called a debriefing session.
"You first, Skip," said Minger.
Diggles stripped down to his Speedos, then remembered Fred's presence. "Sorry, old girl, this is men's business," he muttered awkwardly.
"Nonsense," she replied. "Seen it all before on the Beach. I won't shrink from a good debriefing."
"It's not you we're worried about," Olgy said crossly.
"Oh, very well, then. But I expect a full report," and she stalked off to clean the viscous mess off Diggles's Soppy.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Meanwhile, at the Jerry sheds:
"So you see, we haf disabled all kommunications at your beloved Beach," sneered Schott, the Number Two to the dastardly Kommandant Shicklgruber.
"Nyet! You'll nyever defeat us," growled Tsar Blogonovitch. "No matter how you torture me I will nyever let Beach fall into your hands for long."
And how they had tortured him. Mis-spelling his name was only the start. Thank goodness for his Cossack training.
"But there is much more to come," drawled Schott. "Plan B is far, far worse than you think."
"Dyamn!" thought Blogonovitch, gazing at the blood-spattered photograph of Lord Reith for moral support.
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I'm here, Lady Sue, but it looks as if I'll have to keep the hyphen since I can't access the Archers Message Board until they migrate it to the new system. I've just been contacted and told that if I want to be able to access the Archers Message Board I will have to have my new id deleted and start all over again. I have respectfully declined !
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I'm getting a bit worried.
There is still no sign of David McN and the window into the BBC iD portal is all misted up from the inside. Perhaps BigSis and Dave are celebrating without us?
:-p
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"Ja," kontinued Schott. "Ve vill dismember all the long-term inhabitants of your Beach!"
"Oh, nyet!" thought Blogonovitch in nyear despair.
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LOL, nice one France[i]s O.
But I'm orf home in a mo, back to no-broadband-land so Diggles will have to wait. But no doubt Mata hairy Curry is about somewhere?
BTW, this is amusing !
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Wonderful, SproutGhost, but then I'm not from Norfolk so I can find it amusing, non?
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Sprouty, it's hilarious!
For one surreal second I read the lady's name as Lynne Truss. But no. She's even funnier than this.
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Oooh, 267 has been modded. Wonder why?
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Lady Sue
I didnt understand a word of it either, tbh....
But it seems to have raised a smile
noodle
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And here is a shout out to BIG SIS hoping that somewhere, somehow, she is near a computor again tomorrow....
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Ah. I'm feeling myself again!
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nikki... where is that reference? Was it the Identity thread? I've just quoted you on the AM GB on global warming/Clive James. Is Sid about? I've finally responded Sid, sorry for the delay. Busy in RL today.
Sprouty, your obvious concern for Mr. McNickle is quite, quite touching.
Ahhhh, the crashing waves of the beach, time for a G&T or a glass of vino collapso. Here's one for Big Sis when she arrives. She's gone a bit quiet via that Medium. Anyone got crystal balls?
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Hi to andycroak
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Ooops, I should have said, "A crystal ball". Ahem.
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Careful, you might get modded.
;O)
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Here is 267 with nearly all the jokes taken out (so we can get on with the story)
"Custard!" cried Diggles. "Jolly D!"
"No custard for you, Diggs, old thing," muttered Fred, her mind and scarf still full of the viscous wind caused by her brother's up-chuck as they took off from the Beach.
"Beef broth's the thing. Olgy, can you manage that?"
"Rather! And what would you like?"
"Grilled chicken and some salad would be good."
"I say," said Olgy. "Don't you know there's a war on? We've got dried eggs, bully beef, snoek or spam."
"Don't you know you should never touch spam?" snapped Fred. "Delete it from your tuckbox immediately after marking it as unsafe."
The airmen shared a glance of incomprehension. These chaps from Unintelligence talked gobbledegook half the time.
And so it was that after a quick meal of snoek and potatoes, they called a debriefing session.
"You first, Skip," said Minger.
"Sorry, old girl, this is men's business," Diggles muttered awkwardly.
"Oh, very well, then. But I expect a full report," and she stalked off to clean the viscous mess off Diggles's Soppy.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Meanwhile, at the German sheds:
"So you see, we have disabled all communications at your beloved Beach," sneered Schott.
"But there is much more to come. Plan B is far, far worse than you think."
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BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
:o)))))))
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Seems like I've moved from being all on my own Off the Beach to being all on my own On the Beach.
A whole crate of champers to myself, eh? Wow!
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Helllooooo big siss
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Hellooooooo Stewart! Do join me in a glass or three!
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286 BigSis
Make that eight!
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HELLO Big Sis. And Stewart too. Don't mind if I do help myself. Oh and a plate of strawberries on the side should anyone fancy a nibble with their champers.
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Mind if I pour myself a glass to celebrate, Big Sis? Ta!
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Strawberries? Yum! Lovely with champagne.
Good to be back, and thanks for the lovely welcome home. Things are beginning to return to normal, Sid is no longer Frankly, Anne has found her P - We could write a fairy story using the plot line, n'est-ce pas?
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Big Sis! Welcome home! We missed you but never gave up hope that you would make it through enemy lines. Well done you and everyone responsible for getting you back safely. The place simply would not have been the same without you.
Champers? Marvellous! Strawberries too! Bliss.
Preston: as we are rocketing through postings @291 as I type, how does this compare with racing towards the 500 mark for a Friday at this stage in previous. Does that make sense? Groan - think I'm coming down with a dose of beeb-speak if it does.
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Big Sister! Strawberries! Champagne! My cup runneth over! Hooray!
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Hi Big Sis, good to hear from you. Pass the strawberries and where's the bubbly? Time to celebrate!
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France[i]s O, for the sake of continuititty can you mail me the original post so that 'we' publish the unexpurgated version of Diggles. I have a cunning plan to raise some money for Children-in-Need, (hopefully with the help of Eddie / Sequin) which means we need to draw this story line to a satisfactory end!
But don't worry 'we' can start off another Diggles story line if the Froggers so wish!
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"Wow, Big Sis, Nice Strawbs" muttered Diggles into his cocoa!
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LOL, wots the name of that poison wots nips you on yer bum?
Arsenic
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Glass of champagne, please, someone ...
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Sid, 297, 1 pint of Champagne as requested. 'scuse the ice, slice and dash of lime juice! They have no taste here!
;-)
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Mmmm champers and strawbs, luvverly - welcome home Big Sis, have a medal for persistence
[~~~~~~]
¬
¬
¬
*
***
*
Hmmm, well, with a bit of imagination and a lot of champers, perhaps a medal....
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Damn, that looked better when I "drew" it, seems to be missing a few indents :o(
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Any champers left? I've just had the most wonderful 'message in a bottle' and want to celebrate.
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Champers galore!!!
Did anyone other than me start that horrible rumour on the news wires just now that Eddie has been 'fired' over some misunderstand about the removal of items from the stationary cupboard?!!!
A couple of Pritt Sticks apparently....
;-P
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Welcome back Big Sis! Going to publish the story of your epic struggle to be released from your exile and subsequent epic journey back to the Beach to rejoin the rest of us? And how you had to wait about in a tent, alone & afraid, until the code words were passed to you? You could call it "Mein Camp"...
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nikki! You had me going there for a minute, naughty chap.
Actually, seeing as there's nobody around, do budge up and I'll tell you about my dream last night...
~ ~ ~ *whispers* ~ ~ ~ Last night I dreamed - no not Manderley - that I went to join the entire crew of PM on some fund raising event for children. It was a sort of summer camp and all the Usual Suspects were there from both sides of the blog, fellow froggers, Sequin, Jo, Blog Tsars, techie-wizards, everyone including Eddie. I so wanted to speak to him but I came over all shy - Moi! Who hasn't been shy since she was five years old - and didn't dare approach him. Whatever do you make of that? I suspect the hassle of yesterday just haunted me into my dreams. ~ ~ ~ nikki? You still there?
*ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz *
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Hi annasee, er, didn't see you there. Was just spouting a bit of nonsense to our chum nikki who dozen off during the rendition.
*yawns and stretches*
Think it's time to hit the old hammock.
Night night y'all. Sweet dreams.
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Whoops! That should be "dozed" not "dozen"! Sounds somehow wildly inappropriate.
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coooo-eeee!
I've brought reinforcements of champers- seems like we'll need some.Any strawbs left? Yummee!
There's a big dish of chocolate ginger hearts- no-ginger chocolate....
oh! well!... dig in anyway- nice with strawbs -
Thank goodness Big Sis and mostly everyone here!
What a funny day!
Music, maestro, please!!
Lets dance!
mxx
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Still here, Lady Sue, though you might have dozed or dozened.
I reckon that dream is a portent. Or else it means something. Maybe you have some powers to foretell events next summer, some kind of vision that allows you to see us all gathered round...Lady Sue?!..
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Eddie? pritt sticks ??
Oh! No! Not again.....!
I can't bear it .....
( sniffs uncontrollably......;-(( )
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Just in time with the re-inforcements Molly!!!!
And such music! My Word!!!
n-n
xx
PS I think (re Eddie) we all knew it was coming. It is just sorry state of affairs
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"a"
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Just get out of that hammock please, nlkki-nood!
I will *not* bring you refreshments n a tray ...
What a nerve! Young people these days...
I know- budge up - not a bad idea! Anyone else coming ?
mxxxx
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Sprouty, just popped in before z time. Can I attempt to get it to you via a Beach in Another Medium?
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What fun! good to be back. But the efforts of the last two days have, sadly, taken their toll, so I'll be laying out my sleeping bag behind the dunes where, with a bit of luck, Sean Bean or Johnny Depp may be hiding ....
Sleep well, everyone! ;o)
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Any space left in that hammock?
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Is that a lawyer I see on that camel over there?
There!!>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> !!
Behind that dune...
He's got rather a large brief ...(teee- heee!)...
Nood! Come back.....
mxx
'a'? ' Pardon ? ' If you don't mind.
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Done that.
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Any strawbs left? I'd like to leave a few to soak overnight in any leftover bubbly - a great breakfast, donchya know...
Welcome indeed Sis! But have you managed to retain your History? Or perhaps happy to shed it?
xx to all
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Forgot to mention. I have web space where the saga of Diggles & pals could be archived (and retrieved at will through a link). Just so's y'all know.
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Or the saga could have its own free blog with multiple authors (and illustrations?)
;-)
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I have to say, M'Lord, that I was thinking earlier today that illustrations might be fun and I know we have talented Froggers who could supply them, if they so wished.
Right, it's duvet o'clock.
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The PM story so far…
EM is marooned at the La Plage Airside Shopping and Coffee Emporium, and on current terms seems likely to retire there…
Respected professionals CQ and her boss JC are bravely holding the fort in London against an office coup by the Weather Forecasters. The news part of PM has been reduced to a final 3 minutes of news headlines, with the previous 57 minutes filled by a detailed weather forecast of every inch of the UK.
EM has been in contact to instruct JC to obtain a cashmere cardigan and a prosthetic forearm.
M.A.R.C. has been instructed to find one, but with no budget allowed is reduced to trawling the Audience panel with begging phone calls. His time is now up and he must report to his boss.
Read on…
JC looked up as M.A.R.C. sidled up to her desk. He seemed a little awkward, even embarrassed. “I’ve got what you asked for.” he muttered. He was holding something concealed under his jacket.
“Oh, excellent! How did you manage that? Someone from the panel?” she asked.
“No, they said they were using all their prosthetic limbs thank you very much and if I wanted one I could jolly well buy one like they had to.” he repeated with a touch of bitterness. It had clearly been a trying morning. “But then I got lucky. I was going past Religious Broadcasts’ office just now, and I noticed they’d made a guy. And it had arms!”
JC failed to conceal her shock. “A guy? Surely that’s not very pc? Are we allowed to do that?”
“I said that! But they said they were because it was it was their specialist department, and if anyone was allowed to burn a fabric-based representation of a c*tholic they were.”
“So I told them that I was there to check they were displaying balance in everything they did, and that if they’d burnt a c*tholic guy last year, this year it had to be a pr*testant one. And I said Napoleon would be a good one because he was a baddie anyway. Then they said ‘How do we make it Napoleon?’ so I took off the forearm, tucked the sleeve into the front of his jacket and ran away quickly”.
“Respeck! Give us a look then…”
“Ummm, the only thing is… they’d got the arms originally for their Halloween party. But you know how they were all cancelled?”
JC glanced down at her desktop where the email from on high still lurked. She remembered it clearly “It has been decided that the corporation will not make any contribution to Staff Halloween Parties this year. Please cascade this down your department. Happy Christmas and lots of love, Your BBCxxx”
She sighed. “I remember. So?”
He drew back the front of his jacket to reveal the prosthetic forearm. JC recoiled in horror as a hideous green-tinged, horribly hairy forearm emerged, with a scarlet bleeding wound running almost the full length of it.
To be continued…
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Sprouty@297: rather miffed you haven't asked me for mine! While Children in Need is a very worthwhile cause and, like everyone else, I would be happy to be involved in anything that might raise money for it - as everyone can read Diggles here for free I'm not sure what you might be proposing. The only way I can see making any money from it is if the PM team decide to have a whip round the Glass Box to stop us from writing it. There might also be copyright issues. Not wishing to be a damp squib - but sounding very like one, sorry!
nikki: funny you should say that about precognitive dreaming - there's a lot of it about.
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Lord N
I knew it was you underneath all that bluff!
Kindness itself! A special breakfast for you today? Of course.....;-)
Hate to be a party poooper ( in fact, I have some scribbles on the way, if Dorothy pulls his socks up..) but the copyright position needs to be checked out . Intellectual ownership etc..
Need to get going on that .
Now, sorry- strawbs all spoken for but fresh ccroissants, coffe, tea and chocolate ginger hearts ,no, ginger....
mxx
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*lovely* presentation this morning...
Spot the d'librate mistakes!
Sorry! No time-- I'm late---I'm late...
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Meanwhile, back on the beach...
Mata protected her flashing green eyes from the searing sunlight as she watched the little bi-plane disappear across the sea.
“God’s speed, Glenn Miller” she whispered, wondering how they would make the crossing back to Blighty without having to refuel and whether Fred would remember that he was supposed to be rescuing Tsar Blogonovich from the broom cupboard-sized office at the back of the Hun’s bunker in the sheds in Hertfordshire that were camouflaged as a plane factory. Mata had noticed that Fred’s concentration slipped from time to time – there was something decidedly odd and Bob-like going on there.
Part of Mata rather wished that Tsar Blogonovich was at that very moment tied to his desk and being made to consume vast quantities of cold BBC paper-cup tasting coffee. She shuddered the unreasonable thought away. She knew that he couldn’t be held responsible for the chaos that had momentarily threatened the tiny island the day before but thoughts of her nearest and dearest very nearly being excluded from existence for ever made her very Cross indeed. She Sighed. She’d get over it and she was fairly sure there’d be further grief to come, there always was.
Worried that Fred and Biggles might forget all about their mission if they got back to the Mess and were offered a half-ways decent meal and, just to be on the safe side, Mata made her way across the dunes back to her grass hut. She upturned the Gladstone bag and twiddled the dials until she found the right frequency.
*@%%@>>>>@@%%%%>>>>>%@@@###@@@~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
@@%>>%~~ “Hello, hello? Blighty here. Top Secret HQ hidden deep beneath Whitehall. I say, anyone there old thing?” ~~~ %>>%@@
Mata never ceased to be amazed at the levels of security and sign-in procedure she had to go through to ensure she was speaking to the right Controller.
%>>>%~~~ “Listen very carefull, I shall say this only once... “~~%>>%@ Mata spoke carefully into the microphone.
%>>%@@~~ “Rather... spiffing... fire away... listening... all ears.... er, go... your turn... ” ~~ %>>%@@
Mata really was going to have to have a word to someone Higher Up about correct radio procedure. Despite the crackling on the line, she could hear the handle-bar mustache tickling the microphone and the rhythmic sound of a pipe tapping tobacco out against it. It was all very well being laid back sitting in the comfort of a bunker buried deep beneath Whitehall but there were agents out risking their lives and badly in need of a manicure.
%>>>%~~~ “This Top Secret Agent Double O’ Nothing with an urgent message,” Mata spoke with a calm deliberation so as not to confuse Handle-bar Mustache, “Diggles and Freddie Littletool of Bonking Binkers Binky’s Unintelligence unit are making their way to Herr Kommandant Schicklgruber’s Jerry-ridden bunker hidden underneath the sheds in Hertfordshire.” ~~~ @@%>>>%
@%>>%~~ “I say! Rather dangerous that, wot?” ~~~ @#%%>>>%
%>>>%~~ “Their mission is Code-Named ‘Trollie Dollie’, repeat, ‘Trollie Dollie’. They are instructed to bomb the sheds and rescue Tsar Blogonovich.” ~~~ @@%>>>%
The tapping of the pipe momentarily halted while Handle-Bar Mustache took in the significance of Mata’s words.
>%~~~~ “Blimey.” ~~~ @@%
%>>%~~ “They will be refuelling at Squadron 53(F) Base and there will be a debriefing. See to it someone Very High Up in HQ goes over the ‘Trollie Dollie’ Plan of Attack and sticks a reminder bullet pointed note on the inside of Diggles’ cockpit, will you. There’s a good chap.” ~~~ @@%>>>%
>%~~~~~~ “Crikey. OK. Will do, er, Roger that. Over and out.” ~~~ @@%
“Roger that yourself,” muttered Mata as she flicked off the switch and removed the headset. Headsets played havoc with her raven hair. Worried that the Jerries had already nearly disabled all communications with her beloved island and time was running out she decided to have a soak in a bubble bath and ease away the tensions of the day.
Mata Hari Kari stripped naked and slipped her perfectly toned body into the soapy bubbles.
She’d done all she could do for the time being. Until they got the Tsar back to the beach, the rest was up to Diggles and Fred.
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325: ... for a very important date? :o)
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318: Re my history - I'm quite happy to retain it. As I wasn't forced to reregister under another name, I think it should all be there. The problem I'd had was, to quote the Membership Team, "a rare, known issue" which involved a special fix. I was glad I didn't try to tinker around changing ID as I think that might have messed up my history and heaven knows what else ....
I always thought I was 'special', but 'rare'? - I am joking, of course! :o))
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Morning all. I'm glad you've still got your history Big Sister. It's fortunate I'm not overly attached to mine as I seem to have lost it twice over in the changes. But I think the old history is still accessible via any of the old posts should I ever need to consult it. I suppose it would only matter should anyone decide to start awarding long service medals on the basis of history!
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Lady Sue, Sprouty and Frances, I'm much looking forward to the Diggles compilation. Annasee are you going to publish separately?
Fresh beverages on the bar to aid creative thought.
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To be honest, Anne, I haven't checked, but I'd imagine I have as I 'migrated'. I was very tongue in cheek in my response to Milord, though. As to awarding 'long service medals' - do you honestly think the Beeb could afford to? ;o)
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Annasee: Can't wait for the next instalment. Oh, and I could be bribed into providing the necessary cashmere ..... ;o)
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Anne, meant to ask - are they going to try to sort out the mess regarding your IDs?
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Big Sister, the problem is that when I selected a new username I appear to have picked one already in use elsewhere on an unmigrated site viz the Archers' Message Board. The prevents me logging in there to change my visible name. The only solution they could offer was a complete eradication of the new Anne-P and a new attempt to migrate my old one. To be honest I couldn't face the hassle. Whether there will be problems for me or the other person when they migrate the Archers' Board only time will tell!
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Looks like steepulse had the same problems as me and Sid since I see he is on premod and has little history.
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Big Sis (327)
Not really. Just a little lunch date with a nice young man I met. Looking lost last night . Wandering around the dunes.
Jimmy Dipp, I think he said. Looking for someone- his 'muse', I think he said.
Don't know if I can be bothered actually.....
Mxx
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Ah well, Molly, have a lovely lunch with Mr. Dipp. Now, if it had been Mr. Depp ....
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What ho.
This Wonko is being brought to you by the letter G, the number 3 and the chemical compounds paracetamol and caffine.
Up most of the night coughing. Very tired. Caffine wearing off, feeling sleepy...
Please do not disturb.
|o) []
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Big Sis
Speaking of which, ''message in bottle'' ....
mxx
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Wonko (338) I'll go and forage for ginger and lemons - there'll be a highly alcoholic hot toddy ready for you when you wake up, to soothe your cough.
*ahem! ahem!* Oh dear, I seem to have developed a tickle in my throat....I'd better find some more alcohol ;o)
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Thanks Gillianian, you're a star. Any chance of a little nutmeg in it too?
[turns over in hammock, goes back to sleep]
|o) []
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This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.
Molly (339): No bottle has washed up on my shore ....
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annasee, I love your latest episode of the story of EM, CQ, JC and M.A.R.C. - inspired, off-beat and very funny! Thank you!
Sprouty, the mods are back in town... but they put back my modded 267.
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Oh, and a belated welcome back! to Big Sis!
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big Sis (343)
Got no bottle then?
I've got bottle. Trouble is, I sent it to me.....;-( doh!
Try again.... sorry !
mxx
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annasee, I second Frances @344. Very off beat and most engaging.
Frances, just read your 267! Hilarious! I can see why they momentarily chopped it but it is good fun and nothing more risque than one might hear on an R4 programme - not PM, of course. Very glad they've put it back. Anyone who's scrolled past, it's worth a look.
Now I can make sense of Sprouty's request@ 294. It's all falling into place.
BTW: anyone seen Preston? It seems he's made the whole of Nrn Irn disappear on a thread on a distant shore.
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Lady Sue - Norn Iron safely restored!
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What a talented and entertaining lot - I'll have to try to keep up while I'm away for the next few days. Hoping to have access via someone else's pc. If not, then don't let it all get washed away, and I'll be back late on Monday *waves*
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Frances O - just read your 267, while attempting to drink coffee. Bill for new keyboard and screen cleaning on its way.
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That was a lovely, and relatively cough free snooze. Many thanks Gillianian for the *ahem* medication!
I could do with a gerald sandwich before heading home, where's the frying pan?
;o) []
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Here it is Wonko, it's as bit sandy. I think Diggles must have used it to clear the sand from under the camel.
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Thanks Anne - a quick rinse and that'll be fine. I love the smell of Geralds in the early evening!
;o) []
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Lovely moon! Almost full...
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It is ll now (6:10) A really high "Harvest Moon", well up in the NE sky!
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Lord Nathan, you've pinched our moon! We had it last night and a wonderful sight to behold. The brightness of the sky here and almost being able to touch the stars nearly makes up for the isolation. Suspect the cloud cover is preventing visibility tonight.
Preston, so glad you re-instated Norn Iron - I doubt I will ever get the accent right but I do like the look of your fadge.
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Thank you, Lady Sue and Sid. I do sometimes wonder if it's not taking over the Beach a bit, but then Fred, Mata and Diggles are trying to save it... though the Lord Merman should take most of the credit so far...
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Peeps!
Broadband back :-)
But at 0.3Mbps down and 0.1Mbps up :-(
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I normally get 6.2Mbps but TalkTalk and BT don't want to know / don't care!
Any suggestions as to what to do next this has been going on since a week last Saturday?
Perhaps the AM Glass box?
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BTW is the real PM Tsar Blogonovich really called George South?
:-)
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Yes.
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Has anyone given any thought to the where abouts of David McNickle?
Should I give him a call to see if he is OK?
Big Sis made it here in the end, perhaps he is stuck in iD limbo somewhere?
David, if you are out there, one tap for yes, two for no and three for leave me alone! I know what it is like being a ghost of your former self!
I do so miss his humour!
;-)
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France[i]s O..crikey!
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Strolling along the beach, sand in my toes, loving the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. The lights of Nick's/Rick's bar (depending on which world you are inhabiting) and the tinkling sound of piano drift across the dunes...
Ah me. Where is everyone? Anyone for a glass of something?
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Sorry Sue we were watching "Spooks". But time for a glass now.
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I do so miss David McNickle - but I think I can put up with it.
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Watching Andy Marr's history progamme.
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David McWho?
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361 SG
Dav (as he now likes to be known) is shedding his old persona.
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Shredding? Oh, shedding ...
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Thrice shedding.
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Fred wrung out her scarf again. Soppy camel, Diggles, for the flying of, was clean again. She looked over to the tent where the chaps were debriefing. Such a fuss about a little thing, she reflected.
The ’No Girls Aloud’ notice was still hung outside. Twerps couldn’t even spell, she thought, as the pussycat, Doll, wrapped itself around her legs, mewed twice and scampered off towards the farthest tent. “Dollie! Come back!” she whispered, and chased after.
This tent didn’t look exactly RAF issue. In fact it looked jolly odd. Its black fabric glistened with sequins and over the flap was a sign reading ‘Mystic Margaret’.
“Dashed odd,” thought Fred, but followed the kitten into the tent.
“I knew you’d come,” a soft but compelling voice carried from the other side of the dark, scented interior. “Welcome, Fred.”
“But how the bally blazes -”
“I can see into the future,” continued the voice and in the flickering candle light Fred could now see a lady of Continental appearance, wearing a jewelled turban, long robes and rather too many necklaces.
“I am Mystic Margaret, and I, too, work for -” and she lowered her voice even further “Binky.”
“Golly! You mean -”
“Yes! You may have heard of my cousin, Mystic Maria, the famous medium? I am the other medium. The secret one. And I have seen you in my Book of Faces as one who needs my help.”
“What? I mean how? I mean - gosh!”
“Your family is known to me. The dragon and the serpent. In ancient Chinese philosophy, it is believed that Nuwa, the mother of the first people on earth, who had a human head and a serpent's body and Fuxi, the father, with a human head and a scaly dragon's body, made passionate love and she gave birth to the human race.
“You are the grand-daughter of one who studied the mystic arts. In fact, my dear, you are the Guardian of the 'Flaming Pearl’, symbol of spiritual perfection and powerful amulet of luck. But do not trouble yourself with that now. We need bombs and guns to help defeat The Enemy today.
“And now -”
Margaret quickly whipped a fold of her robe aside to reveal a perfect orb.
“Crikey!” gasped Fred.
“Yes! My crystal ball. Now silence while I consult the spirits…” and she muttered a rather Foreign-sounding incantation as she gazed into the sphere.
“Aiiii!!!! The Eye - surrounded by fire - Frodo!”
“What the dickens?”
“Wrong author,” muttered the medium. “Sorry, I had it tuned to the other side. Ah, here we are. Yes, I see Blogonovitch. He is in terrible danger. You must get those gabbling men out of their tent and into action - NOW!!!!”
“Gosh, can I look?”
“NO!!!! It is not for the uninitiated to see into the future.”
Dollie the kitten leapt up onto Margaret’s table and mewed quickly into her ear.
“What’s that, kitten? Ah, yes, the co-ordinates of the Jerry camp in Hertfordshire. They have been cunning in their disguise, young Fred. It looks like a cluster of RAF sheds. But you and Diggles, of all people, will see the sham in seconds.”
“I should jolly well cocoa,” muttered Fred.
“Let me just located it… oogle, oogle, google MAP!”
There was a pause.
“Too slow. When will these idiots invent broadband? Long after you are dead, I fear. Ah, here we are,” and she scribbled down the co-ordinates on a scrap of ancient parchment. “Stick this on the inside of Diggles’s cockpit to remind him, and remember the codename - Trollie Dollie.”
“I say, thanks,” cried Fred. “I’ll get things started straight away.”
And she dashed towards the tent, the kitten scampering beside her.
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Sorry, lost a few s p a c e s during cut n paste there...
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Cut 'n paste? You mean, you're not making it up as you go along, Frances? I'm shocked!
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Anyroad, a night of Spooking and now it's time to turn in. 'Night 'night all
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Sweet dreams!
:o)
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Big Sis -
;o)
Yep, made it up between about 1045 and 1105, but after being modded I now write it in a well-known word processing thingummy and save that. Also you can see more in a document than in a blog comment space. Isn't that sensible??
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Night nigh, so night night!
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SPOOKS! I can't believe you chaps actually watch that! Well, it used to be alright onceaponnatime but it is soooooooo....... ooohhhhhhhhh.... nevermind.
Just noticed there is a new 'Diggles' installment so about to snuggle into same.
Also just realised that the Mickleodian seems to be missing - but am not sure - and several of you seem quite bereft. I'm sure the truth is out there...
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Lady Sue - I'm beyond bereft. I've gone through cereft, dereft etc. and am now up to kereft.
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Spooks is just escapism, Sue, but none the worse for that.
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Thought I'd escaped the display problems, but now it's like pulled toffee and has lost the banner.
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Preston, I bet you were crying into your pillow all last night.
Mata Hari Kari looked out along the silver sands down the beach towards the bar. Everything was still in the early morning light. She was far too anxious about Operation ‘Trollie Dollie’ to be able to sleep.
“Waiting, waiting, waiting...” she said softly, “I’ll go crazy waiting to hear whether or not they’ve pulled it off - and I’m bored.”
A bored Mata Hari Kari was a dangerous Mata Hari Kari.
“I know I’d feel better if I could just blow something up. Oh for a 25lb Cooper bomb, or a grenade, or a few sticks of dynamite, or ...”
Mata was in sudden need of a Pistole Parabellum 1908. After returning to the grass hut she’d taken the P08 she’d liberated from Diggles from the garter at the top of her fishnet stockings and put it into her Gladstone bag while she’d soaked in a bubble bath.
She took the Luger out from its hiding place and admired its sleek design.
“Hmmmm..... German. If there’s one thing those Jerrys can do, it is make decent machinery. Must be a little momento Diggles liberated from an officer in the German Reichsmarine.”
She felt its solid weight in her hand. She looked closely at the iconic, toggle locked, recoil operated semi-automatic pistol. Mata had a thing for toggles.
“Just as well I come prepared,” she said as she delved further into her Gladstone bag for an eight round detachable box magazine.
Mata walked out along the beach and lined up a row of coconuts.
She stepped a good distance back and fired at them, hitting each of them dead centre. As the spent casings were ejected from the chamber onto the sand, the tensions Mata felt were gradually relieved. As well as being a perfectly toned martial arts expert, Mata was a crack shot and it was plain she hadn’t lost her touch. Satisfied, she held the Luger up towards her lips and gently blew the smoke away.
“Time to check on progress,” she said, smiling as she sashayed back to her hut. She put the Luger back in the Gladstone bag and bagan twiddling the dials.
“Don’t think I can cope with old Handle-bar Mustache,” she said to herself, “I’ll tune into the BBC. If bombs have gone off over Hertfordshire the good old BBC will be the first to report it.”
Try as she might twiddling the dials, Mata Hari Kari simply could get a signal for the BBC. Just as she thought she’d tuned in the signal disappeared again. It was as though that world was keeping just out of reach, slipping away, ebbing like the tide only irritating and not as pretty to look at.
@@%%%~~~~ She had it! %%>>>>>... No... gone again. @@%%%~~~~She had it! ... No... gone again. %%>>>>
Suddenly it all became clear. The Jerrys and their dastardly Plan B. Blighty was under threat. Her beloved island and beach were under threat. Soon she knew there would be no-one getting out and no-one getting in. God it would be dull. Mata Hari Kari didn't do 'dull'.
She feared for Tsar Blognovich, she really did. He was going to be in very big trouble indeed if this constant interference was anything to go by.
“Blast and double blast” she cursed. Whatever had happened to Diggles and Fred?
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Lady Sue - you've really cheered me up - thanks!
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I love Spooks and I haven't seen last night's episode yet so don't tell me what happened.....
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Hmmmm! Only up to 384.........Thursday, too...
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Well that's a new one 403 'Access forbidden' on this morning's Glass box !
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I think the software's having a bad day, and issuing 404s because its head hurts and it cannae be bothered to go and look for pages....
Have an aspirin, software, and buckle down.
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Anne, I keep getting the '403 Access forbidden' message too. I get a little thrill when I manage to get past it - like I've crossed over Checkpoint Charlie and no-one's noticed. Glad I made you smile. Like Mata, this 404 and 403 business rather makes me want to go and blow something up.
Must be a troll around here somewhere...
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388 Lady Sue
I've just taken a look at today's AM glass box and at least one of the regular trolls is nowhere to be seen. Maybe that ragdoll is a member of the troll police.
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OH! I've not had a 404 or a 403.... wonder why.
I could do with some excitement today.
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I seem to have escaped any 404 or 403s so far today. In celebration (and to mark the fact that I've actually been allowed to get on with my own work in RL this morning for once, I bring a tray of various beverages, both alcoholic and non-falling-down versions. Help yourselves!
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Lucien, ragdoll? I think you might be seeing things. Did you get an advance sample of one of Fearless' concoctions?
Preston - YooHooo - what's the count average like this week compared to last? I can't click on too many threads or I get the dreaded 403.
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Well after saying elsewhere that I've had no blog probs I've also just had the forbidden 404 - but like Lady Sue felt glad and lucky to break through the other side
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ASPIRIN DOESN'T SEEM TO BE WORKING! Sorry, Why not try something stronger...
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Lady Sue (392)
Last week's Beach Total Count - 416
Last Week's Beach Count at 1pm last Thursday - 299
I'm going to charge a research fee if this keeps up!
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*Waves madly from RL*
If I am not already busy enough on the Helldesk the boss has scheduled a meeting!
Slight progress on the slow / lack of broadband at Sprout Towers. After much shouting and screaming at TalkTalk they have decided that BT are to send a 'man' round on Saturday morning to investigate. :-)
But if he doesn't find anything wrong they will charge me 150 quid :-(
I should cocoa! I am not letting him out until it is fixed.
Anyhoo, must go, apologies for lack of Diggles, but will make up for it!
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One poorly-formatted Blog and two 404s.
It's like old times. remember 504?
Wot I did: After the first 404, tried another Beeb site. 404. Then put the blog url into the url-stylee line at the top. Yippedee-doo-dah!
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Sprouty, by rights they should be compensating you for your distress. No chance, I know, but...
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Preston, many thanks! Will send faux boxty in payment, or home-made brac which isn't faux but the bottom burnt a bit when I wasn't paying attention to the raeburn.
Didn't King Alfred burn the cakes? There's hope for me in my quest to take over the world then.
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Wasn't it Faux who got his bottom burnt?
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A benign dictatorship, I hope, Lady Sue.
(Should be) 400...
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Ah, Lord N nipped in while I was posting. Good joke! And very apposite.
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Ooh, how exciting! I clicked 'refresh' and it all got reformatted on the left. Tried again and I got good old 404.
George? You there?
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error
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Does not compute
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Paging Mr G South, Mr G South there is a 404 call for you at Blog Central!
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Best bet would be to get a work experience student in!
;-)
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More BBC Blogs
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Galleries: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41. 42. 43,
44 (external)
Please sir, can we go back to a working version?
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Error 404 - Page not found
Oh, happy day!
(Oh, happy day!)
Oh, happy day!
(Oh, happy day!)
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What's the proeblm. Mi computer is behvaing pectly ref OK and I havn'et seen a ingle 040 erorr all day.
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Reptons Lirimef .014
Blucky Lugger!
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Error 404 - Page not found
This might be because:
You have typed the web address incorrectly, or
the page you were looking for may have been moved, updated or deleted.
Quick, get that lad on work experience!
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It's that time of year again!
http://www.buynothingday.co.uk/
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It's all a plot to stop us from getting to 500. If we were hoping to get to 500. Are we?
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Lord Nathan@400, that Faux quip was very clever. Hat's and horns off to you but suspect you may have made a pact with Old Nick. Worrying.
Your 'buy nothing' day did make one laugh! If one hasn't any money one can't buy anything so one simply absents oneself from one's shops. Easy peasy. One does it all the time.
Frances, you know what comes after benign? Beten.
Be afraid, be very afraid...
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Crumbs! Whatever has happened to my RED PEN! 'Hat's' should have been 'Hats' - got to get in quick with my humble apologies.
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Old Nick's not all that bad.
'I am part of that power which eternally/wills evil and eternally works good.'
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Moving on ...
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... towards 500
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Will we get there?
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I find that, on getting a 404, repeatedly pressing F5 gets me through. But at this moment I'm offered a shrunken input box....
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Rolling rolling rolling
Though the streams are swollen
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Keep those dogies rolling,
Rawhide!
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Through rain and wind and weather
Hell bent for leather
Wishing my guy was by my side
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Clearing the leaves from the drains helps swell a swollen stream...
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All the things I'm missing
Good vittals, love and kissing
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Are waiting at the end of my ride.
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But you'll be well advised to start at the top and work downstream
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Move 'em on
Head 'em up
Head 'em up
Move 'em on
Move 'em on
Head 'em up
Rawhide!
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Movin' movin' movin'
Though they're disapprovin'
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Keep those dogies movin'
Rawhide!
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Don't try to understand them
Just rope them, throw 'em, brand them
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Soon we'll be living high and wide
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My heart's calculating
My true love will be waiting
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Waiting at the end of my ride.
Move 'em on (etc. etc.)
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I hope that helps a little ;o)
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Some of them were angry
At the way the earth was abused
By the men who learned how to forge her beauty into power
And they struggled to protect her from them
Only to be confused
By the magnitude of the fury in the final hour
And when the sand was gone and the time arrived
In the naked dawn only a few survived
And in attempts to understand a thing so simple and so huge
Believed that they were meant to live after the deluge
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LN, you could have got a good ten posts out of that!
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404, 404, 404...
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Are we aiming for the big 500 again?
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In that case - that case over there ...
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... there's bottles of wine ...
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... and in this pocket ...
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Burma Shave?
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... not that one, this one, I said ...
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There's a corkscrew ...
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Hello and welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue. Tonight, we promise you a nail-biting contest. Which will be followed by a nose-picking contest.
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And so as the loose-bowelled pigeon of time swoops low over the unsuspecting tourist of destiny, and the flatulent skunk of fate wanders into the air-conditioning system of eternity, I notice it's the end of the show.
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Lord N@437, that is rather lovely. Reference please?
Sid, brill! Vino! Just what is required. Good man with a screw - er, corkscrew.
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Lord N, have you got shares in Burma Shave? I imagine you with a chin as smooth as a Glass Box.
;o)
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Never let them tell you that size isn't important. My aunt told me that, but then all my new wallpaper fell off.
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We should be sure to leave a link near post 500:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/pm/2009/10/the_beach_132.shtml?page=2
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Preston: did you have it on 'wrap around'? Did you know that in Oz, 'Durex' is a brand name for stickytape?
Can you imagine the confusion of a newly arrived British chap, going into a chemist in Oz asking for 'Durex' and being given a roll of sticky tape? "The Oz version, eh?" as he wrapped it around and around and around.
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Lady Sue,
It's from "Before the Deluge" by Jackson Browne
And I just love it!
http://tipiglen.blogspot.com/2009/09/taliesin-1997-festival.html
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Anybody fancy a glass?
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Late Arrivals at the Scottish Ball
Mr & Mrs Strap, and their son, Hamish - Jock was held up
Mr & Mrs Baxter, and their incontinent dog, the Baxters' Cocker - Leakie
Mr & Mrs Verness, and their unpopular son, Iain - it seems that for some reason people loathe Iain
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More Late Arrivals at the Scottish Ball
Mr & Mrs Johnbrownandqueenvictoriadid, and their daughter, Bet
Mr & Mrs Demicles, and their clarinet-playing, Hamilton 'Acker' Demicles
Mr & Mrs Midlothian, and their son, Arthur. Hello Arthur, Mother well?
Mr & Mrs O'Groats, and their daughter, Tracy
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He can't be that unpopular, PF! He's got four and twenty virgins trailing after him ...
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Just a glass, Sid
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Six thousand nine hundred and twenty four
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Here you are PF - this glass holds three bottles.
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Late Arrivals at the Fisherman's Ball
Mr & Mrs Kleinensinker, and their son, Hugh Kleinensinker
Mr & Mrs Otts, and their daughter, Maggie, known to us all as Mag Otts
Mr & Mrs Forcatchingshrimps, and their daughter, Annette
Mr & Mrs Codfingers, and their young son, Chris P. Codfingers
There's Noah with a big boat load of carp - he's the carp ark attendant
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More Late Arrivals at the Fisherman's Ball
Mr & Mrs Bigguns-Lately, and their son, Courtney Bigguns-Lately
Mr & Mrs Atthesizeofthisone, and their son Luke
Mr & Mrs Twiteshark, and their son, Gray Twiteshark
Mr & Mrs Mer, and their daughter, Freda
Mr & Mrs Tine, and their exceptionally tall son, long Gus
All the proceeds from tonight's ball are going to a refuge for battered fish
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There's nothing funny about silly sound-a-like names.
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The next round is called 'Cheddar Gorge' and it's just one of many parlour games inspired by English place names. There's also Barrow-in-Furness which involves burning garden implements, Sellafield, where the object is to try to flog off a plot of contaminated land, and of course we musn't forget Broadstairs, a game for people who are too fat to use the lift.
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Mr and Mrs Desgai, and their son ...
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466 Sid
Mr and Mr Desgai, if you don't mind. I'm from a long line of homosexuals.
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Mr and Mrs Andoldemfirmly, and their son Preston ...
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Sorry Lucien ...
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Mr and Mrs Pans and their son Preston
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What is the dreaded 404? So far tonight I visited all the threads without any hindrance. Best leave before my luck runs out...
Btw, I had a close read of the terms and conditions of the book of faces and was interested to discover that I am not only supposed to give them all kinds of personal details including my phone number, to be held and scrutinised in the United States, but by signing on I am giving them permission to study and analyse everything I post under my face so that they can target advertisements at me more accurately via email, mail and phone.
In our family we use pay-as-you-go mobiles and mail and telephone preference services precisely to avoid as much of this as possible. I did not get one piece of spam in my inbox ever (who's a good little Firewall then?) I see I shall need a new email address specially to deal with this social site business...
Then again, I don't really have any message for the tens of millions out there. I am just a unique and special person exactly like everybody else. We are all interesting people. To quote: "Only one man in a hundred is a total crushing bore and he is interesting because he is one man in a hundred". Perhaps I should go and read the terms and conditions on the blogger.com site for a change...
Happy new clean Friday Beach, froggers!
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Mr and Mrs Andonandonandon, and their indefatigable son Preston.
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"Only one man in a hundred is a total crushing bore and he is interesting because he is one man in a hundred".
I like that, Cossackgirl.
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471 Cossackgirl
I only joined FB last week and have just had the first ever spam to my email account - from an unlicensed pharmaceuticals site.
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Hide now raw!
But still a 404!
Mr G South.....get a grip son, other wise you could be out of a Blog Tsar job soon!
ADSL still freak.....non existent.
Will be booting posteriors soon.
Sending for three and four pence (and if you understand that you are older that you may think!)
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Cossackgirl "I am just a unique and special person exactly like everybody else." Yes you are!
The dreaded 404 is a silly message that tells one one is blocked from the site. It can be so terribly annoying.
It's lovely to have you with us - I know I am not alone when I say that I am delighted that you have chosen to stay.
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Now, here's topical!
Historical Headlines - The Gunpowder Plot
"Daily Mail: Government Knives Out For Fawkes"
"Financial Times: Boom Fails To Materialise"
"The Sun: Fuse! What A Scorcher!"
"The Guardian: Remember, Remember, The Fourth Of November"
"The Star: Guy Fawkes It Up"
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cossackgirl (471) you can adjust the settings to cut out a lot of the advertising traps, but they bury it pretty deep. Also if you use Firefox you can cut out about 90% of adverts appearing on any website.
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Vicar's Film Club
"The High and The Mitre"
"All Quiet On The Western Font"
"A Fistful of Dog-Collars"
"What's Up Flock?"
"An Officer and A Gentle Nun"
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Vicar's Film Club Again
"Cloister Encounters"
"Pope Eye"
"April in Parish"
"The Padre's Over"
"Psalm Song and Delilah"
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Gardeners' World: "Gunpowder trees on our plot"
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Sprouty: Are you going to a dance? (My gran told me that one)
Preston: you're on form tonight. Like the headlines.
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The Telegraph: European-inspired plot against Parliament
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Historical Headlines - Joan of Arc burns at the stake
"Le Figaro: French Government Spokesman says "Smoking Can Seriously Damage Your Health""
"Daily Mail: "English Hooligans Burnt My Daughter" says Mrs. Arc"
"The Star: Phew! What a Scorcher!"
"Green News: Woodburning French Threat To Ozone Layer"
"The Cricketer: England Win Ashes"
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First fire engines of the night can be heard...
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Late Arrivals at the Frenchman's Ball
"Mr & Mrs Alouetta, and their son, Jonty"
"Mr & Mrs Fembargo, and their cousin, British Bea Fembargo"
"Mr & Mrs That-Holeinthegroundcantbeatoilet, and their daughter, Shirley"
"Monsieur et Madame Theotherone, and their cynical son, Paul Theotherone"
"Oh no! Someone has switched round the signs on the Ladies and Gents - what a two loos low trick!"
"Mr & Mrs Alrightforaholidaybutyouwouldntwanttolivethere, and their son, Francis"
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Preston Firmlie 484.
LOL but ....
ISIHAC fan exposed!
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It’s Bonfire Night at the PM Offices! (see previous storyline, then forget completely…)
Suddenly, there came through the usual office hubbub a different sound. Someone was crooning that famous Tony Bennett number (Note to ed. Please fill in here…) in familiar velvet tones. JC returned from her recoiling at the hideous arm M.A.R.C. had found, and stared, scarcely able to believe her eyes, as a tall, tanned and perfectly- toned figure swept into view.
“Why it’s…” she stuttered, momentarily unable to remember his name. She never was good with names, & he’d been away so long…
“Me, you idiot. Stop staring. We’ve got work to do around here, I can see. Honestly, I can’t leave the lot of you for a minute.”
“But when did you get back? And are you sure it’s you?” asked M.A.R.C., still unconvinced by the evidence of his own eyes. Also hoping all that trouble he’d taken over the false arm wasn’t going to be wasted.
“I got back 3 hours ago, & it’s taken me that long to get security to recognise me & update my swipe card. Couldn’t get past the blasted turnstile at Reception. Apparently you’ve all been re-registered and it’s gone terribly wrong. I was told I’d have to have a new name. I nearly had to be Martha Kearney. Or I could use an old one no-one else wanted. They said there was an abandoned one – George someone…North was it? Or West? Evidently the poor bloke just ran out of the building & said he wasn’t coming back & anyone else could have his card he didn’t want it ever again. Extraordinary! But I digress…”
He was tidying the office clutter as he spoke, shifting sheaves of weather forecasting papers, cloud charts and other detritus, and putting them in the paper recycling bin. An errant rain gauge was picked up, and swiftly converted to a miniature espresso holder.
He surveyed his efforts.
“That’s better. Now, let’s have a look at this arm you’ve got me.”
The others gathered closer to keep the ghastly appendage concealed from any other staff.
“Mmmm. That’s quite a sight. Wouldn’t have suited Sequin, actually. Not her colour at all. I, on the other hand – aha, excuse the pun…Oh yes, there’ll be fireworks tonight all right…”
He crossed the office towards the drinks cabinet, whistling happily, the familiar number two top hit by Tony Bennett (NB ed. Please fill in)
JC and M.A.R.C. looked at each other. This holiday had certainly done their colleague the world of good!
To be continued…
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And finally
The Ornithologists' Film Club
"The Outlaw Josey Quails"
"9½ Beaks"
"The Forbidden Gannet"
"Sean Canary in Licensed to Trill"
"Back to the Vulture"
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A few more from
The Ornithologists' Film Club
"There's a Gull in my Soup"
"A Tern of the Screw"
"Waders of the Lost Ark"
"The Sound of Emu Sick"
"Cole Porter's Anything Goose"
"The Merry Widgeon"
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And most definitely the very last from
The Ornithologists' Film Club
"Oh What a Lovely Warbler!"
"The Last of the Red Hot Plovers"
"Nightjar on Elm Street"
"My Left Coot"
"Anything starring Joan Collins - apparently she's seen a cockatoo!"
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OOOOooooh look!!!!
Fireworks!!
@@@@@@@@@@@
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{======###
Whooooooshhh!!!
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--------******
Supposed to be a sparkler
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*
**
***
****
*****
****
***
**
*
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______****
Getting smaller
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ppppppfffffffftttttt!!!
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It the sounds and the colours that particularly come across so well on the blog.....
oooohhh!!!
aaaahhh!!!
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______**
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;:;:;:;:;
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woah!!!! wall of flame!!!!
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