The Beach

Post categories: The Beach

Eddie Mair | 06:28 UK time, Friday, 23 October 2009

Oh most beautiful Beach of the programme PM,
Where the Froggers congregate even though you can't see them,
With camels and surf and castles of sand,
As a refuge from woes and seriousness it was planned,
With a bar in memory of a presenter most grand,
And imag'nery sun to get most safely tanned,
Renewed by our host, most every Friday,
Visitor, relax and enjoy, and please keep it tidy.

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Comments

1. At 06:41am on 23 Oct 2009, Little Red wrote:
Morning all. What a glorious day lies ahead. The sun is up and not a cloud in the sky. The frogs have ceased their incessant croaking (yes I am talking literally and not about my fellow froggers) and the birds are chirruping (and wurruping and cawing and all sorts else). Now I just need to spot my simian friends in the trees at the back of my house, and some ele's on my way into the office.

I leave lots of mango (tis the season and all!) and all sorts of other fruity and cerealy goodies on the bar. Also I've filled the urn and put the coffee on. I'm on the decaf for now but have made up two pots.

Right. I'm off to embrace this fabulous day :o)

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2. At 06:56am on 23 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Morning Little Red, you are up early! Another glorious day promised and a brand new beach to play on. Thank goodness for that, the old one was going to take some sorting out.

Good heavens! Eddie's turned poet.

Just time for tea and a swim before breakfast. I'll just grab my itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini from ... now, where did I leave it?

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3. At 07:41am on 23 Oct 2009, Molly wrote:

Wheeeee! Bump!...

Just dropped in from t'other beach.

Come on Sue- race you to that pink boy- sorry- buoy- out there....

Just a minute- it's turned turtle and it's.........isn't it ...?

Coooooeeee! Waitt for us......!
Love those pink speedos.....!

...They *are* speedos, aren't they ,Sue ?

Sue?........ SUE!!!!!

mxx

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4. At 07:45am on 23 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Molly! I'm shocked.

*faints*

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5. At 08:12am on 23 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Anyone seen my Pink Friday Speedos? The pair with the silver go-faster stripes?

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6. At 08:28am on 23 Oct 2009, gossipmistress wrote:
I fear you've lost them Sprouty

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7. At 08:31am on 23 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
There's a camel wearing a pink swimming cap with holes for its ears - says it keeps the sun off his head.

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8. At 08:34am on 23 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Sprouty, jungle drums say:

"Man with flying goggles has go-faster stripes on big silver bird"

Mean anything to you?

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9. At 08:34am on 23 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Just how many pairs did you have?

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10. At 08:51am on 23 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
On the island of Britain each PM is heard
by curious minds all pickled and cured
news, new music, where speech is set free
and interviews conducted by the glorious Mair, E.

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11. At 09:05am on 23 Oct 2009, steelpulse wrote:
Oh most beautiful beach of the programme PM? I nicked this from the WWW. Ta everyone.
William Topaz McGonagall, poet and tragedian of Dundee, has been widely hailed as the writer of the worst poetry in the English language..
Until today allegedly. Poetry? lol
Anyway I plan to sit here and enjoy imagining (were he able to) the late Winston Churchill's verbal response to someone laying claim to him in todays world. Actually - I would prefer not to be in the same Universe as that conversation because - whilst we can never know - I suspect the resultant Big Bang answer would create a whole new Universe for said explainer to live in - all by himself! lol
Poetry? And the rest! Ah the briney sea.......

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12. At 09:11am on 23 Oct 2009, U14138029 wrote:
Lady Sue (2)- At the risk of putting my size 10 in my mouth, I think that the poem at the top is the work of one of our own froggers - The All Bright Ferrous Feline. My apologies to him and the correct author if I have misremembered this.

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13. At 09:32am on 23 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
Preston, have you succeeded in adapting the floss machine for chocolate yet? Not that I'm craving, you understand, just so that we all know where we are in the confectionery stakes.

Lady Sue, didn't I see you carrying some coffee in the top half of the bikini last night or am I confusing you with a TV ad?

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14. At 09:50am on 23 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Preston, thank you for the correction - I'm sure you are right. You seem to have a most amazing memory and ability to 'click' us in the right direction, if required. Apologies to said Feline.

Big Sis: floss machine? Do you mean that most wondrous multicoloured waterfall/indoor drinking fountain Preston and the other lads constructed on the last beach? I hope they can transport it without breaking anything. I'm sure they can rig up a chocolate fountain separately, otherwise the chocolate might clog up the parts. Wasn't I carrying the coffee... I know I've left them somewhere safe.

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15. At 09:53am on 23 Oct 2009, Gillianian wrote:
Little Red (1) What a lovely start to the day - thank you ;o)
I shall take a deep breath and picture your scene when I'm covered in glue and brown paint later!

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16. At 10:08am on 23 Oct 2009, U14138029 wrote:
The conversion kit was 3 No. spiral-wound gaskets short! But as luck would have it, Sid gave me a boxful of the things yesterday. And the chocolate unit is independent of the most wondrous multicoloured waterfall/indoor drinking fountain.

So, it is all set up and ready to go. Unfortunately, I don't have any stuff* to feed into it. Can anybody help?

* technical term for what makes chocolate.

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17. At 10:26am on 23 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
If it's milk chocolate you want then Lady Sue had better roll up her sleeves.
;o)

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18. At 11:11am on 23 Oct 2009, Molly wrote:
l_d (7)

That's not a hat! Remove it from that camel's head immediately !
Put it back in Preston's tool-box before he misses it....

mxx

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19. At 11:21am on 23 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Gosh Lucien, do I have to milk some camels? I was hoping to escape farm duties on the beach but needs must.

Molly, I think those belong to Sprouty.

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20. At 11:51am on 23 Oct 2009, ExpectingtheEnd wrote:
OK brain boxes (incidentally, thanks DMcN for identifying the last Beach photie as near Coleraine - I didn't see the reply till just now),
why doesn't 'big' in angled brackets make numbers big, here?

As in 7 compared with 7?

Does it work anyway? As in Beach compared with Beach?

Amd what about bigging up the big? As in Beach?

And does nesting the i's in angled brackets make the word lean over even more, as in Beach?

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21. At 11:57am on 23 Oct 2009, ExpectingtheEnd wrote:
(Still testing and asking:)

Does CSS work here, for {font-size: larger} The Beach?

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22. At 12:03pm on 23 Oct 2009, lordBeddGelert wrote:
NILS IS ON THE 'NEWS CHANNEL' NOW !!!

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23. At 12:06pm on 23 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
19 Lady_Sue
Sorry, but every time I've milked them I've not been able to stand up afterward.

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24. At 12:10pm on 23 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
22 lBG
Is he singing?

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25. At 12:13pm on 23 Oct 2009, lordBeddGelert wrote:
lucien - will have to wait until after Darling has stopped waffling.

http://www.performingartistes.co.uk/artistes/813/nils-blythe.htm

But maybe he is looking to fall back on his thespian rather than singing skills ??

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26. At 12:26pm on 23 Oct 2009, ExpectingtheEnd wrote:
Hey, I goddit!

The Beachis big!

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27. At 12:27pm on 23 Oct 2009, ExpectingtheEnd wrote:
No, I haven't!

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28. At 12:27pm on 23 Oct 2009, ValeryP wrote:
Good grief - that was a lie-in and a half, now the day's half gone and the coffee's full cold, yech. This beach looks lovely and sparkly today though, but what are these 3 sroggets I've been lying on?

Anything to do with you PF?

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29. At 12:38pm on 23 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Lucien, why is that? Do you get stiff?

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30. At 12:42pm on 23 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
29 LS
I drink the slops.

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31. At 12:55pm on 23 Oct 2009, U14138029 wrote:
Val - I have never seen a srogget, never mind owned one. How many legs does it have? Does it have feathers?

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32. At 12:58pm on 23 Oct 2009, ValeryP wrote:
PF - the p is of course silent, as in pswimming. Well not so much silent as pronounced, but invisible to the reading eye.

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33. At 1:02pm on 23 Oct 2009, U14138029 wrote:
Val - Further to your last ost, I understand erfectly now.

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34. At 1:03pm on 23 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
Reston firmlie? Don't mind if I do.

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35. At 1:05pm on 23 Oct 2009, Stewart_M wrote:
Sprout, Thanks for the loan of those speedo's. They Strained the wort nicely.

Who would go Pswimming in PSeedos any way!

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36. At 1:32pm on 23 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
Roger Bolton is starting with Eddie again!

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37. At 1:40pm on 23 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
... and again!

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38. At 1:41pm on 23 Oct 2009, Dennis Junior wrote:
*I am back* from my extended break from the beach...

Offering everyone a nice breakfast of health fruit and juices...

=Dennis Junior=

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39. At 1:59pm on 23 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Lucien@30, is it alcoholic? It doesn't smell very nice. I don't think I'll be partaking and I'm a bit worried about giving it to Preston to use in making his bespoke chocolate.

Preston, do you have a brand name for your chocolate?

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40. At 2:09pm on 23 Oct 2009, ExpectingtheEnd wrote:
I wish I was on a Beach somewhere.

Got no reason for being there
But I figure it might be some sort of change!

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41. At 2:13pm on 23 Oct 2009, U14138029 wrote:
Lady Sue - I have several. The one on tap today is Frogolate.

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42. At 2:26pm on 23 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
39 L_S
I liken it to sour baileys.

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43. At 3:09pm on 23 Oct 2009, ValeryP wrote:
Lucien - I don't think so, thanks all the same, sweet baileys is bad enough ;-)

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44. At 3:11pm on 23 Oct 2009, Gillianian wrote:
lucien_desgai(42) I'd rather have a soor ploom. Or an acid drop. Shall I do a sweetie run?

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45. At 3:17pm on 23 Oct 2009, andycroak wrote:
G (44) : sounds a good idea, sweetie!

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46. At 3:53pm on 23 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
*Trips over bucket, again*

Right! That's it! I've had it with this milking, milking, milking... these camels have an endless supply.

*stamps daintily clad foot*

I've made cheese, butter, yoghurt, ice-cream and I've filled fourteen large churns ready for the Frogolate. I'm casting off my linen cap and taking off my milkmaid outfit...

*blessed stays*

and now I've broken a nail!

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47. At 3:54pm on 23 Oct 2009, Gillianian wrote:
andycroak(45) Put your order in asap - it'll be a sugar rush ;o)

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48. At 4:05pm on 23 Oct 2009, lordBeddGelert wrote:
Grab a cup of tea and spend 3 minutes watching this Audio Slideshow which Martha Kearney narrates - it will be the best thing you do today.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8321463.stm

If only he could accompany Hugh Sykes on some of his visits.

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49. At 4:34pm on 23 Oct 2009, ValeryP wrote:
Lady Sue - oh, but we do appreciate it :o)

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50. At 4:49pm on 23 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
Blimey. Just about recovered from the last Beach. My verandah brake arm is a bit sore, my head was more so, but we did it!

However, it's a new Beach. What shall we get up to now?

Gosh, look at all that chocolate. Excuse me for a while.

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51. At 4:52pm on 23 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Lady_Sue, you have forgotten the Creme Fraiche. Best get your milking kit back on, can't have a job left 1/2 done!

;-)

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52. At 5:02pm on 23 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Sprouty, No no no! Enough is enough! I've discarded my threads and am about to go for a quick dip before PM.

Thanks Valery. Rather glad to get my stint at the milking over and now have a free weekend.

I have made a very large jug of PiMMs and here's some scrumpy just for you Sprouty.

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53. At 5:08pm on 23 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
44 Gillianian
Oooh, acid drops to go with my haggis mushroom brownies ;o)
See you in the veranda!

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54. At 7:07pm on 23 Oct 2009, Stewart_M wrote:
Can I have a sherbert fountain?

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55. At 7:17pm on 23 Oct 2009, Sid wrote:
PiMMs - oh, that's really capital!

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56. At 7:54pm on 23 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
Not necessarily, Stewart. I understand they don't do the liquorice tube thingy any more. So - why bother?

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57. At 7:59pm on 23 Oct 2009, Stewart_M wrote:
They do have liquorice in them as we have a couple. Purely for Kids of course. And what was that Paddy o'connell bloke doing on the one show? I thought he was only allowed out for eurovision!

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58. At 8:11pm on 23 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
57 SM
I didn't see it ... is he the new Adrian Chiles?

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59. At 8:11pm on 23 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Sweeties?

My personal fave is Anna's Seed Balls, such a joy to suck on and they can last forever!

Mind you with these teef I dare not bite down too hard.

Sprouty

;-)

*What's that Diggles you like sucking on "Black Jacks"...crikey!

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60. At 8:21pm on 23 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
re Pink Speedos with the silver go-fast-stripe.

I 'spose you lot think it is funny for Camels to wear them as sun 'ats and to be dumped in a tool box only to be used later for straining dubious liquids through.
Let it be known that my solicitors, McFondle, McNipple, Partners & Co shall be writing to you.

After all a chaps Speedos (pink, blue, grey or otherwise) are sacred garments and are deserving respect...init.

And stop sniggering! bluddy oiks!

:-p

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61. At 8:23pm on 23 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
I gave gobstoppers to the camels but it didn't stop them gobbing.

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62. At 8:25pm on 23 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
It takes all sorts.

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63. At 8:37pm on 23 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
60 Sprouty
David McNipple?

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64. At 8:38pm on 23 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
... wine gums

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65. At 8:40pm on 23 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
lucien_desgai 60, Who?

Was that Robert McNipples father?

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66. At 8:44pm on 23 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
65 Sprouty
Two McNipples?

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67. At 8:46pm on 23 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Peeps, as I don't have broadband (it's died) and this is being dun by dial up modem www can I just say that I can't get to the Book of Faces to reply about the Bat Boxes so if any Froggers have requested them via FB I am not ignoring you it's just the FB and dialup WWW don't work

:-(

taps foot and waits, has a cup of tea.....

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68. At 9:41pm on 23 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Oh Sprouty! I do so commiserate. I've had such technical probs this week and all sorts of other ghastlies in RL.

Never mind. Think one should pour another glass and give the traditional toast:

"Rose lipped maidens, light foot lads".

Those were the days, eh?

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69. At 10:14pm on 23 Oct 2009, Stewart_M wrote:
Sprout Ghost. Nightmare. Does the text only version of this blog still work? Not that that helps the boook of face thingy.

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70. At 10:16pm on 23 Oct 2009, Stewart_M wrote:
lucien, he was doing an outside broadcast in someones house. At least I think it were him.

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71. At 10:21pm on 23 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
What happened to Gillianian and my drops of acid?

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72. At 10:41pm on 23 Oct 2009, Fifi wrote:
My BT email has suddenly started demanding a password it already knows, and not accepting my answer. I can't remember how I've solved this problem in the past. I've tried warm and cold reboots, resetting p/w and warm and cold reboots, and internet setting checks and w.&c.r's.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

I've also tried some wine, and while the computer is no better, I find I am feeling better about it. There's a moral there somewhere...

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73. At 11:01pm on 23 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
72 Fifi
Kick it.

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74. At 11:06pm on 23 Oct 2009, Sid wrote:
Fisherman's Friend, anyone?

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75. At 11:24pm on 23 Oct 2009, Fifi wrote:
That sou'wester's at a devillishly rakish angle, and are those fishnets? Is your fisherman a friend of Dorothy, Sid?

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76. At 01:13am on 24 Oct 2009, ValeryP wrote:
I've had a problem with g**glemail Fifi, it signs me in automatically on one pc but on the other one seems not to recognise either my username or password (it won't admit to which).

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77. At 05:35am on 24 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
I do wish I wouldn't wake up so early.

*tiptoes past snoring froggers swaying gently in their hammocks*

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78. At 06:23am on 24 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Just back from the 'cone of silence' so I could listen to iPM without disturbing anyone. Interesting programme and Eddie has offered, if invited, to visit our collective sofas to watch a bit of telly.

Time for an early morning dip. I'll just pop the coffee on first.

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79. At 08:31am on 24 Oct 2009, Fifi wrote:
Footprints in the sand and the smell of freshly brewed coffee - what a lovely start to the day! I have the Jumble Sale of Doom later today, so will revel awhile in the tranquillity of the Beach.

Might rustle up a few geralds to keep warm in foil on the embers of the BBQ for those of you lieabeds who're still dozing. . . . .

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80. At 09:47am on 24 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
Eddie's welcome 'chez nous' any time. But I expect he'd be a bit scared to take me up on the offer. Wrongly, of course.

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81. At 09:52am on 24 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
On reflection, I think Eddie would find our sofa a very interesting place to be since my SO and I have very different political outlooks. It's a bit like Helmand Province here during Question Time, the Ten O'Clock News and during the run up to any kind of election.

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82. At 10:43am on 24 Oct 2009, littleFluffyFi wrote:
Helloooo??? Remember me??? Not been here for a wee while - can I still get a nice cup of coffee and a slice of cake please??

Big Sis (81), we have a similar situation in our house!

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83. At 11:06am on 24 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
82 lFF
Two Fi's ... it's all so confusing :o)
Of course you can have some coffee and cake, and please do help yourself to a little fluffy candy floss.

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84. At 11:43am on 24 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Big Sis, I tried to invite Eddie to visit the sofa here (on the iPM blog) but couldn't without it sounding 'inappropriate'.

lucien, you remind me of Milo Minderbender from 'Catch 22' trying to offload thousands of cotton wool balls, having over-ordered, by dipping them in chocolate.

Thank goodness for the beach - in RL there is a gale, as promised by the weather man yesterday, and thousands of leaves are blowing horizontally past my window. Pity I didn't get any Autumn photos.

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85. At 12:11pm on 24 Oct 2009, Fifi wrote:
Hi Fi, good to see you back here on the Beach! Are you impressed with the fact that it's nearly all naughty step now?

And Lucien, there's no need for confusion. On the Beach Fi is Fi, and I am Feefs ... totally different surely?

It's only in RL, if we were ever to meet *cough!* that it might get slightly tricky. But then there's the exotic accent to factor in - so that's all right too.

Geralds all gone I see. Who's for some soothing warming chicken soup to brighten up a blustery day? I have the Jumble Sale of Doom in an hour so I need fortifying.

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86. At 12:47pm on 24 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Feefs, soup? Are you nuts? It's about 35 degrees on the beach today - very kind offer but I think something cooling might be preferable.

Good luck in the Jungle Sale - how much for the bongos?

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87. At 1:30pm on 24 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
85 Fifi
But it's like having Fi in stereo or - as you put it - hi fi.

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88. At 1:53pm on 24 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
Lady Sue, I was inadvertently awake for iPM and can back you up on the sofa invitation, though he did say he wasn't serious (or words to that effect).

Shame. Shame, I say, getting us all excited and hopeful and then saying it wasn't a real invite.

Well, I'm not going to ask him to sit next to me on the Naughty Extension. That'll show him.

[Thinks: now what can I do to get on the E today?]

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89. At 3:19pm on 24 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
E-Eeek! I did type NE, I really did. I think I've got myself on the illicit drugs step now. Oh, dear, I'll be a disappointment to the others.

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90. At 4:02pm on 24 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
Not to me Frances. Here ... have a brownie.

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91. At 4:26pm on 24 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
LOL Frances! Suspect Eddie realised that he'd be inundated with invitations and would have to become more and more creative in his polite refusals.

I see you've been rescued from infamy by a brownie. Is that a 'real' brownie, Lucien, or are you implying magic ingredients?

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92. At 5:46pm on 24 Oct 2009, Gillianian wrote:
Frances O (89) Oh I see.....I was just about to ask if you were going uptown or downtown?

Lucien, if that's a haggis brownie, may I have mine battered please?

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93. At 5:48pm on 24 Oct 2009, Fifi wrote:
The Car Booters of Fate have cleared out the Jumble Sale of Doom. There really were bongos, and they went for 50p like everything else. I gather from the lovely car booters we did get (wish they were all so pleasant!) that other jumble sales are equally underpopulated and don't have enough stuff to sell. Those plastic bags through the door are creaming off a lot of the donations that local groups might otherwise have benefited from.

I just dislike jumble sales full stop. Too much hard work, not enough fun, and definitely not enough money for the good cause at the end of it. Hope we never have another one!

If anyone feels they are lacking clutter in their lives, there's some good stuff in boxes outside a village hall in the Midlands - help yourself!

Is there any Pimms about? I could do with reviving now. I've finally put my feet up and I don't want to put 'em down again! (Especially whilst perusing the profanisaurus I bought at the jumble sale...)

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94. At 5:49pm on 24 Oct 2009, Sid wrote:
I remember going to a philosophy tutorial once, having eaten several interesting brownies (quite unaware, m'lord). I've often wondered if it was as surreal for the tutor as it was for me ...

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95. At 5:59pm on 24 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
92 Gillianian
Please help yourself to a haggis mushroom brownie in matzo-meal (sorry but batter's too unhealthy).

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96. At 6:05pm on 24 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Peeps......AARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.......still no proper ADSL
TalkWalk & BT, bankers (rhyming slang).,
.
.
can
.
.
.
.
.
only
.
.
do
.
.
one
.
.
byte
.
.
second

*Runs off stage left, going ARRGGGGGHHHHHHHH

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97. At 6:13pm on 24 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
96 SG
Talktalk is an LLU provider which means that they have their own equipment at the telephone exchange. That makes it more likely that the fault is with them (esp. if your voice line is ok) ... so don't be fobbed off!

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98. At 6:18pm on 24 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Thanks lucien_desgai for the info.

But I am an ex Busby Techy / Line Manager and I know the problem is in the local loop as we have a mixture of copper and aluminium between the PCP's, SCP's and the DP off of this exchange!
The drop wire from the DP to my place is circa 1968 and well past ISBD.

Never a good mix!

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99. At 6:25pm on 24 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Things are lookin up:-

24/10/09 18:20:31
Speed Down 551.86 Kbps ( 0.5 Mbps )
Speed Up 318.53 Kbps ( 0.3 Mbps )
Port 8095
Server speedtest1.thinkbroadband.com

Have now ditched BT Click dial up and back on a v v v slow ADSL connection!
(Mind you it has stopped raining here, but that my be a coincidence!)

Right, where's me Speedos?

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100. At 6:30pm on 24 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
98 Sprouty
Then you need no advice from me!
:o)

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101. At 6:32pm on 24 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
..just catching up on all the gossip..WOW littleFluffyFi! dontcha look gorgeous today!

Remember me?
No, course you don't!

I use to do a lot of stuff with DiY before he was banned!

Sprouty.

PS. look out for Diggles he such a real man!

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102. At 6:34pm on 24 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
lucien_desgai, don't 'spose you have seen me Speedos?
Pink with the silver go-faster-stripes?

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103. At 6:36pm on 24 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Fifi, I can't BELIEVE you sold the bongos to someone else. I'd have give 60p for them. Have a glass of chilled-to-perfection, colourfully fruity PiMMs and rest your weary pegs.

Is Jonnie doing dinner tonight? I hear he's cooked up something, er, special? Best work up an appetite - just off for an evening swim. I might be gone some time.

Sprouty, might it be a job for

*da da DAAAAAAAAAAAAA*

Diggles?

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104. At 6:38pm on 24 Oct 2009, Fifi wrote:
Feeling more lively now. SO came home with, not Pimms, but the makings for GandT .. even better!

I wish I could share the delights of my new profanisaurus with you ... but it really is much MUCH too filthy. The dedication, by Roger Mellie of Viz magazine, tells you all you need to know:

"I would like to dedicate this book to my darling girlfriend Candy who, twenty minutes after the tragic death of my wife, showed me it was possible for me to love again.

"And again, twenty minutes later."

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105. At 6:41pm on 24 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Fifi, that's very naughty but very funny.

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106. At 6:45pm on 24 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
102 Sprouty
Some fool left your pink speedos inside my vat of candyfloss. I shall return them in the due course of time.

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107. At 6:47pm on 24 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Lady_Sue, re Diggles he is getting his kit off and his chaps together even as we converse!

Fifi, re Roger Mellie.
I met him in Grantham! Well it sounded like him!

;-)

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108. At 6:48pm on 24 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Lucien, I think you might have to ditch that particular vat. Shame, I know but better to be safe than - actually I don't even want to go there.

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109. At 6:52pm on 24 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
108 Lady_Sue
Too late, I've had my fingers down my throat all afternoon.
Like I said ... the course of time.

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110. At 7:17pm on 24 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
lucien_desgai. re vat of candyfloss with the Speedos contamination.

Don't just chuck it out, I am sure the Camels will love it!

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111. At 7:36pm on 24 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
110 Sprouty
I ate the lot! :o(

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112. At 7:56pm on 24 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Vet! vet for lucien_desgai

*shakes head, cant believe he ate the whole vat full! *

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113. At 8:08pm on 24 Oct 2009, Gillianian wrote:
Lady Sue(103) I suspect Lucien's given Jonnie a recipe for mazzo ball soup. I hope his balls are the size of grapes rather than oranges as I fear we'll be too full up to enjoy pudding!

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114. At 8:08pm on 24 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
The speedos have given me terrible flatulence.

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115. At 8:11pm on 24 Oct 2009, Gillianian wrote:
Be prepared, Lucien - these were the go faster speedos, remember!!!!

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116. At 8:20pm on 24 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
115 Gillianian
I'm very well aware ... can feel the stripe marks on my stomach lining.

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117. At 8:20pm on 24 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
..previously on Diggles

……"Look Skip" says Olgy, "The CO, bending over like that. It's not on. He knows we haven't had any leave for days now and then he does that. After all what is a chap to do?"

“Leave it Olgy” grunted Diggles has he strained to get into his pair of pink Speedos with the silver go-faster-stripes. “There are more impotent fish to fry today”

“What? Like Cod, Plaice and Rock All” piped up Minger.

“No You twit” growled Diggles as he caught sight of his No. 3 checking for stray hairs after his Brazilian.

“Today we strike and rid this world of the unwanted, nae, un need, nae un planned sheds.
Today the people of Hartfordshyre will be rid of this tyrant and his sheds!” and climbing into his Camel, Diggles called upon ‘A’ flight” ‘Tis today that upon this charge, we cry God for England, Harry and Saint George and we damn those evil dwellings to hell for ever*!"

“Blimey” muttered Olgy, As he strapped himself into his girdle. “Not seen the boss so het up since he lost at conkers to the CO of Blue Tits squadron.” ..

…..2 b continued.

* Apologies to WS for the mutilation!

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118. At 10:21pm on 24 Oct 2009, littleFluffyFi wrote:
SproutGhost, how delightful to see you! *m'wah, m'whah* How is old DiY these days? Do tell him I was asking after him.

So, Feefs, how do I get on the naughty step? It seems like fun!

If it's easier, Lucien, you can call me fluffy...I don't mind.

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119. At 11:03pm on 24 Oct 2009, ValeryP wrote:
Enchante Madame Fluffy, bien revenu (or something like that!!)(I also can't do the accent over the second e).

Quiet day in RL, post 60th birthday bash - not mine of course, I'm still only 17, twas that of the big bro who had the big op last year, so especially delightful:o)

However, fragility has been the watchword of today, and I'm so glad we get an extra hour of sleep tonight. Anyone mind if I leap into the snuggly hammock immediately? I'll be listening out for the craic, and nodding and smiling, but not necessarily making free with the wit and repartee...

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120. At 00:22am on 25 Oct 2009, jonnie wrote:
Evenin all -

Big bottle of Pinot Grigio on the NCB bar and large insulated coffee jug of Taylors decaf next to it.

Dont forget the clocks go back later on and more importantly I'll be here to bore you all now things are getting quiet again - anyone around for tea tomorrow afternoon?

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121. At 07:08am on 25 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Morning Peeps.

Yes,I do know the clocks went back but my body says it is nearly 10 past 8!

Anyhoo, I have left a large tray of sausage and bacon geralds in the hostess trolly at NC's. I'm off for a walk along the shore to see what the tide has brought in.

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122. At 08:35am on 25 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
121 Sprouty
What did you find?

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123. At 08:54am on 25 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
122 lucien_desgai. two and sixpence!

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124. At 09:14am on 25 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
123 Sprouty
Aaah, I have very limited memories of the sixpence. Did you see a newspaper taxi attempting to turn on it?

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125. At 09:40am on 25 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Morning everyone! Thanks for the hot breakfast Sprouty but a girl has to watch her figure - I'll put out some tropical fruit and fresh yoghurt as a 'healthy alternative'.

*skips daintily down the beach for a morning swim, while looking out to sea for dolphins*

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126. At 09:59am on 25 Oct 2009, Gillianian wrote:
Jonnie - see you at tea time! No cucumber sandwiches though, please - let's have something hearty like cheese scones and flapjacks.

Welcome back, littleFluffyFi. Could you bring some French fancies, please?

Sprouty - that sixpence will be handy for hiding in the Christmas Pud.

OOOHH, look, Lady Sue.......!!!

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127. At 11:30am on 25 Oct 2009, Little Red wrote:
Afternoon all (well it's afternoon here at any rate)!

Yesterday was another fabulous day which I spent out on a boat. More time than planned actually as the other boat's fuel line got clogged and we had to tow them back home. But it was quite an adventure - including a trip to the BBC "tree hut" left behind from filing of Living with Monkeys. I shall pass on the beachy shots to our beloved leader and we'll see what we get next week.

Overnight things have taken a turn for the worse and we had about 9 hours continual downpour and a lot of thunder and lightening. Seems to have done nothing for my power and I have to restart everything (i.e. kettle and computer) every 30 min or so as something in the system blows! Oh dear.

Perhaps I'll just settle here in the purple hammock to catch up on some much needed sleep.

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128. At 12:09pm on 25 Oct 2009, Fearless Fred wrote:
Afternoon all! Has been a few days since I snuggled down in the hammock with general lurginess, and I see that lF Fi is back! Hooray!! Am feeling thoroughly refreshed now, so I'm firing up the Barbecue and the cooking range for a celebratory feast in a few days time. Following that, I'm off to stock up on the falling-down grape juice. Start making your requests now!

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129. At 12:15pm on 25 Oct 2009, Gillianian wrote:
Little Red(127) I do hope we get to see your pics. Thank goodness the storm came during the night, and not when you were out in the boat.
It's just as well that all appliances here run on solar power - I've set the motorised hammock rocker to ''gentle sway'' and there'll be cuppa for you when you wake up.

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130. At 12:20pm on 25 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Did you see those dolphins? Amazingly graceful. I suspect they are going to stay around for a few days.

As it's so HOT on the beach today, I think I'll pass on the 'hearty' fare, thanks Gillianian.

Little Red, you should have your own blog somewhere to record your days as they all sound 'African Queen'-ish. The rights of which would undoubtedly be bought by a famous film-maker (not one in jail) and made into a million-dollar movie. In the meantime, anything tropical you could provide for the bar this afternoon?

Oh look! Fearless is doing barbecue! I do so love barbecue, "a girl only has but two sides at a table".

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131. At 12:26pm on 25 Oct 2009, Gillianian wrote:
Hi Ffred - sorry, didn't see you there. You must have been checking supplies in the cellar.
I'm so glad you're feeling better, with a bit of colour in your cheeks. I don't mind what colour my falling-down juice is, so long as it sparkles!
Give me a shout nearer the time and I'll bring some breads and salads to go with the delights you have in store ;o)

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132. At 1:02pm on 25 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
There is a large plate of Prawns in the fridge at NC's for the BBQ. I'll just whip up my fave dressing for the salad and bung it in the fridge as well.

Diggles says "Hi" and can he have a Tuna friendly Dolphin steak?

:-p

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133. At 1:44pm on 25 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Gillianianianianianian, 126 reSprouty - that sixpence will be handy for hiding in the Christmas Pud.

Do you think so? 'cos it was a thrupenny bit, a penny, two ha'pennies and four jenny wrens!

Seems an awfull lot of metal for a Christmas pud!

:-p

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134. At 4:42pm on 25 Oct 2009, Fifi wrote:
Hello chums! Good news via the book of faces ... our old mucker Treehouse Ed sends his love to all the froggers. Isn't that nice?

In RL I have just been handed an unsolicited tomato and bacon gerald. Which is also nice.

I could get used to this sort of Sunday!

Had to laugh at Paddy on R4 this morning, as he trailed BL an hour later than I would normally have been awake (bloomin' clock radio - missed it, didn't I!). He carefully re-set HIS clock radio ... not realising it would re-set itself automatically. He was an hour and a half late for work, poor lamb.

;oD

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135. At 4:45pm on 25 Oct 2009, littleFluffyFi wrote:
Here I am back with a selection of French Fancies especially for Gillianian....and anyone else who cares to partake?

Boy, it's been a LONG day here in RL.....an extra hour in bed? I don't think so! All it means in our house is being woken by the little uns an hour earlier than the day before....the joys of a 5.30am wake up call!

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136. At 5:27pm on 25 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
littleFluffyFi 135, re the the joys of a 5.30am wake up call! The same here 'cept sub little uns for a young cat ( unless your little uns are young cats! ) Miss Rosie was most vocal at not having a plate of diced Rabbit at her normal breakfast hour! Miss Stella being a well laid back cat just shrugged and waited.

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137. At 5:41pm on 25 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
Litle Red, I do so enjoy your posts - for a few moments I'm transported from (to be honest not a bad and in fact quite warm and dry) late October in Blighty to... well! I watched the monkey programme so now i have a vivid picture of your part of the world.

FF, I'm so glad you're feeling better. May I suggest some veg kebabs for the veggies and the figure-watchers? Red onion, large garlic cloves, cherry tomatoes, mushrooms*, slices of courgette, red pepper, corn cob... so many delicious things to barb.

I've brought my sandalwood-handled skewers I got in Morocco; they can pierce anything, even corn cob slices and they smell gorgeous.

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138. At 5:42pm on 25 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Sprouty! "a Tuna friendly Dolphin steak"? Is Diggles insane?

I'm going to have to enlist the help of Mata Hari-kari to deal with this.

Watch this space.

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139. At 5:45pm on 25 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
Lady Sue, where did "a girl only has but two sides at a table" come from? It sounds 19th century.

Sprouty, did you really have 'a thrupenny bit, a penny, two ha'pennies and four jenny wrens' in your hristmas pudding? I suppose it's more fair in that most people have the chance to find (or break their teeth on) something. It was just a sixpence in the house of O when I was a tiddler.

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140. At 6:00pm on 25 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
Christmas, even. I can't quite get the hang of this new keyboard.

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141. At 6:02pm on 25 Oct 2009, ValeryP wrote:
Ah Feefs, you beat me here with Ed's greetings! I had messaged him a few days ago re something I'd seen in the paper, and was just beginning to get worried at lack of reply, when up he popped at lunchtime today. He hadn't even known about the incident in question, although it had happened on his road ;0)

RL at ValP Towers involved a bit of lumberjacking today. A tree which we have watched being swamped by ivy over the past 25 years, suddenly decided to look precipitous - so we had to fell one of its many trunks. Shame, but it had to come down before it fell down - onto the roof of one of the bedrooms!

Off to the local for a swiftie while supper cooks now, can I bring a cairry oot back for anyone?

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142. At 7:58pm on 25 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
139 Frances: 'Gone With the Wind' - Scarlett O'Hara at the Wilkes' BBQ.

Mata Hari-Kari applied her rose red lipstick, adjusted her suspenders and her dolphin-friendly fishnet stockings.

“These are just boys” she said, as she threw back a snifter of whiskey, “putty in my hands. They don’t seem to know the difference between a camel and a real woman.”

Somewhere in the distance the strands of ‘On a Little Street in Singapore’ played out against an ink-black sky.

Mata Hari-Kari wobbled only momentarily on her bright red, six inch high stiletto heels as she stepped out on the sands.

“They’ve been messing with dolphin. They have hell to pay.”

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143. At 8:03pm on 25 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
142 L_S
Now I'm no expert ... but don't camels spit?

I shall take myself off to the naughty extension.

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144. At 8:07pm on 25 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Lady_Sue, 142..Brill!

Can you be a match maker as Diggles would love to meet Mata Hari-Kari for an evening of entertainment, jollyification (he can bring his own Ferrets) and wine tasting?

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145. At 8:30pm on 25 Oct 2009, Gillianian wrote:
I guess their idea of entertainment would be going on a camel safari?

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146. At 8:34pm on 25 Oct 2009, Gillianian wrote:
Hmmmm...thinking about it, a Sopwith Camel would be a better venue for their first date!

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147. At 11:39pm on 25 Oct 2009, Sid wrote:
Lucien ...

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148. At 00:01am on 26 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Mata Hari-Kari stepped back, glancing only briefly at her impeccable manicure, to admire her handiwork. Olgy and Minger were bound together, tighter than two bankers and an endless supply of MPs. She’d resorted to gagging the pair of them, speedily done - though she had to acknowledge, the silver ‘go faster’ stripes were at unfashionable odds with their khaki flying suits.

“That’s the last time you two mess with dolphin,” she said as they nodded furiously. Though mute, their bulging eyes said more than their schoolboy vocabulary ever could. Neither of them could take their eyes of her shapely thighs, taught calves and neat ankles, outlined in her trademark fishnet stockings.

“So, your boss is this so-called ‘Diggles’ is it? Diggles. Ha.” Mata Hari-Kari spoke fluent scorn. “And he wants to meet?”

The two men nodded in unison.

“Tell him to be here, in his Sopwith Camel, tomorrow at dawn.”

She turned and left them, sashaying down the beach towards the bar in her black leather mini-skirt, she didn’t give the two mute side-kicks a backward glance, nor did she bother to contemplate how either of them, tied up as they were and securely gagged, would get word to their glorious leader.

“He’ll be here” she mused, smiling to herself as she put in an order for a dry martini. “It’s not over yet.”

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149. At 00:13am on 26 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
Sprouty!
Your pink speedos with the go-faster silver stripes have emerged from the darkness. They seem perfectly serviceable but could probably do with a wash.
I've left them on the bar.

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150. At 08:31am on 26 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
Blimey! Talk about steamy on this Beach! Is it the speedos in the washing machine or Lady Sue's blue prose?

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151. At 08:54am on 26 Oct 2009, Little Red wrote:
Oh dear sorry about the extra steam added to an already steamy morning. I got a little overexcited about the ironing.

These speedos have come out rather sparkling. The gleam off the go faster stripes is so blinding I've had to rumage in the cupboard beind the bar to find a welders helmet before getting my iron to them.

But who thought to add so much starch to the wash, I don't know.

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152. At 09:16am on 26 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
Little Red, I rather think SG will have something to say about the starch - It's a little early to be so stiff, surely?

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153. At 09:22am on 26 Oct 2009, Gillianian wrote:
Good morning! I believe saliva breaks down starch....so maybe the camels might be tempted to give the speedos a good licking before Sprouty puts them on?

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154. At 09:24am on 26 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
Gill, I think their saliva is vital to the process if Sprouty is ever going to be able to sit down on the Naughty Step.

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155. At 11:11am on 26 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Big Sis, I'm shocked! Yours @152 - surely a brief visit to the naughty step is in order?

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156. At 11:39am on 26 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
Lady Sue, I cannot think what you mean ..... er, oh! I see :*{ And me saying that about such an upright man as Sprouty, I do hope he won't be too hard, will 'e?

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157. At 12:34pm on 26 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
LOL, I'm sure he wont mind a bit.

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158. At 1:43pm on 26 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Oh very funny a man's Speedos are not to be trifled with!

Anyhoo, fleeting vist, Monday RL very busy and broadband at home gone again! Nive man at TT said it could take up to 72 hours for BT to fix the problem. Haven't they got anything better to do?

;-)

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159. At 1:44pm on 26 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Previously on Diggles…..

…..“Blimey” muttered Olgy, As he strapped himself into his girdle. “Not seen the boss so het up since he lost at conkers to the CO of Blue Tits squadron.”…..

…..“What on Earth and in the name of Holy Hens Teeth do you two think you are playing at?” erupted Diggles as he stumbled upon Olgy and Minger tightly bound together behind the bike sheds. “Come on, I want an answer and I want it fast!”

“Mmmmph..mmph…mm….mmph” mumbled Minger through the Speedos that had been used to gag them. “And what in blue blazes are you doing with my Speedos? bellowed Diggles as he tore off their gags.

“Sorry Skipper it was her, that Mata Hari-Kari dame. We were just getting ready to join you on the Sheds mission when she jumped us”

“Hmmm, Mata Hari-Kari you say. Thought I had seen the back of her in ’14 after that unfortunate incident with the wind up excitation gubbins” mused Diggles thoughtfully.

“Tell me, did she have a leather skirt and fishnets on?”

“Sure did Skip” moaned Olgy with a longing look in his eyes.

“Yes boss” said Minger as he joined in “And she said she is going to give you one in your Soppy Camel at dawn tomorrow!”

“Best we scrub the Sheds mission, the CO will want in on this piece of news as he has a bone to pick with her as well the lads of 8, 32, 89 and 69 Squadrons”

…….to be continued

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160. At 1:46pm on 26 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
Oooh, just popped up, eh, Sprouty? ;o) Hope BT get onto your case soon - if not, I'm sure you'll be on theirs :))

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161. At 4:51pm on 26 Oct 2009, Gillianian wrote:
Big Sister - we're like ships that pass in the night!
I've set up a little canopy with plump cushions underneath it - I have some freshly-squeezed fruit juices and lemon tart to share while we wait for our other regular tea time treat. I hope you have time to come and join me ;o)

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162. At 4:59pm on 26 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Mata Hari-Kari stepped out of the steaming bubble bath, tipped the contents of her Gladstone bag onto the bed in the grass hut she had rented and rifled through her clothing with her manicured hands.

“Last time I saw that no good, dolphin-eating, snake-in-the-grass was just after the curious incident of the ‘wind up excitation gubbins’. What have I got to wear that will have steam coming out his ears this time?”

As usual when she visited the island, except for her all-purpose leather skirt, what she packed was mostly dictated by whether or not she could see through it when she held it up to the light.

She picked up a red silk, figure-hugging, Oriental style dress with a Chinese collar and a cleverly concealed dagger sheath stitched along the side zip.

Musing over whether she might need the dagger, she stepped into dress and muttered to herself, “Of all the beaches in all the world, he has to wander onto ... Damn and blast him! If only he weren’t so dashed handsome. Why oh why does he continue eating dolphin? If he uses that crack about having a ‘bone to pick’ again I know my martial arts training will overtake all reason.”

She applied her makeup expertly, brushed her long raven hair and placed a red hibiscus with a poisoned stamen over her left ear. She took a long look in the mirror and made a sultry face. With her trademark black fishnet stockings and red stilettos she looked every inch the ‘femme fatale’ and she knew it.

Strands of ‘Pieces of Dreams’ could be heard drifting across the sands as she made her way towards the bar.

Mata Hari-Kari was ready for battle.

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163. At 5:55pm on 26 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
I fear for Diggles. I really do.

Sprouty, a double challenge for today, then? BT and Mata Hari-Kari. Phew. Let me make you a fortifying stiff one.

Drink. Oh, for goodness' sake.

Excellent work, Lady Sue!

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164. At 6:36pm on 26 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
France[i]s O!
Cheers, nothing like a stiff 'un before dinner!

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165. At 6:38pm on 26 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
... or for dinner.

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166. At 6:40pm on 26 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Oh, BTW forgot to say broadband back on but a bit slow:-

26/10/09 18:21:14
Speed Down 735.65 Kbps ( 0.7 Mbps )
Speed Up 344.06 Kbps ( 0.3 Mbps )
Port 8095
Server speedtest1.thinkbroadband.com

Good enough for "Frogging" but no where near the 4.8 Mbps I have had in the past!

What's that Diggles "You want do what?"

Crikey!

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167. At 6:42pm on 26 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
lucien_desgai 165. V True, see you on the N Step in about five?

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168. At 6:55pm on 26 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
Suddenly I've lost my appetite.

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169. At 7:29pm on 26 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Frances, thank you for kind comment. I doubt Mata will last too long on the beach lest she bore everyone senseless (too late).

I also could be doing with a stiff one, or a vino collapso at the very least. Had a lovely neighbour call by in RL today who kindly offered to show me how to make 'Boxty'. Local 'haute cuisine' variant on potato bread. Lots of potato grating. Lots. Supposed to leave the little fried pancake lookalikes to go cold overnight but wasn't expecting them to go green as well.

Fiddle de dee - as RL fades away, I can hear the sea crashing against the shore, can feel the sand in my toes and the warmth of the balmy tropical evening. Oh dear - is this life imitating art, or art imitating life?

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170. At 7:56pm on 26 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
Green. Some might think it was very Oirish, but I suspect not. Potato scones instead?

I like Mata, but I fear she may come to a bad end. She's too feisty to last. But she might escape to vamp again another day.

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171. At 8:08pm on 26 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
"... and Diggles has gone to confront her!" gasped Binky.

Fred was worried. Only one thing for it, the chaps needed reinforcement. How could they let some flighty madam distract them from their mission?

Shooter? Check. Spare ammo? Check. Landlocked European country penknife? Check (and just whetted, how fortunate!) Garrot, carrot (camels, for the feeding of), check. Jolly secret weapon no-one spoke about by name? Check.

"I'm just going out for a moment, Binkers, old thing. Shan't be long," and Fred leapt into the CO's jeep, disappearing into the swirl of a sudden sandstorm, with a "Drat! Where's my bally scarf?" and a light laugh.

"Gosh," thought Binky. "If there's anyone who can foil that Mata Hari-Kari it's our Fred. Best driver in the desert. Best driver I've ever seen. Shame she's only a girlie."

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172. At 8:11pm on 26 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
Er - or are jeeps American? Please replace with landrover-type vehicle of choice.

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173. At 8:29pm on 26 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Previously on Diggles…..

“Best we scrub the Sheds mission, the CO will want in on this piece of news as he has a bone to pick with her as well the lads of 8, 32, 89 and 69 Squadrons”…

…and with that Diggles dismissed Olgy and Minger and headed over to the Station HQ and the CO‘s office.
“CO in?” enquired Diggles of the Orderly Sgt. “Yes Sir, he is trying on , Sorry, testing the new issue of stockings, all weather, rubberised, Mk III”
“OK Sarge, Mums the word” winked Diggles as he strolled into the CO’s office without knocking.
“Ah, Diggles. Come in, come in. Help yourself to a stiff one” uttered the CO indicating the drinks cabinet and at the same time hastily put away his ’reading’ material. but not before Diggles spyed that it was the latest issue of ‘Goats and a thousand and on things to do with them’ Vol 3 issue 8.

“What seems to be on your mind?” enquired the Squadron Leader as he waved away the ciggerette proffered by the leader of ‘A’ flight.

“Mata Hari-Kari” whispered Diggles “she is back!” At this the CO leapt to feet, clutched a hand to his chest and collapsed on a heap of rubber based panty hose.

“Strewth” uttered Diggles! “Sarn’t" he called and moments later Sgt Stewart_M rushed in and bending over the fallen body of the CO, pausing only to lift the slim leather wallet and stuff it inside his tunic, he said “ Snow good sir, he is a goner and that makes you the new CO!”

….to be continued….

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174. At 8:32pm on 26 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Now it's getting really silly"

Can we have an editorial meeting?
Say 21:30 behind the bike sheds?

Jolly good!

:-D

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175. At 8:37pm on 26 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
I say, chaps, I'm here, where are you?

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176. At 8:45pm on 26 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
[Consults watch] Drat! Forgot to change the time on the bally watch. Going to be watching 'Life' at 2130. You sort it out between you.

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177. At 9:30pm on 26 Oct 2009, ValeryP wrote:
The cuteness of the baby seal on Life, is only surpassed by the polar bear cubs stripping a some kind of a (to be advised?) dead whale!

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178. At 9:31pm on 26 Oct 2009, ValeryP wrote:
Ahhh, now the reluctant racoon babes ;o)

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179. At 9:33pm on 26 Oct 2009, ValeryP wrote:
Baby meerkats are called pups, not kittens??

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180. At 9:39pm on 26 Oct 2009, Stewart_M wrote:
By you lot are busy whilstI am away. Just fleeting visit with free broadband at this hotel.

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181. At 9:41pm on 26 Oct 2009, ValeryP wrote:
I want the wee, wobbly, baby elephant......

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182. At 9:42pm on 26 Oct 2009, Stewart_M wrote:
This broadbands faster than home 2.82 mega bits

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183. At 11:26pm on 26 Oct 2009, Molly wrote:
Big Sis-
It's here and it's red!

er!... mind your own knitting , you lot......

mxx

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184. At 00:31am on 27 Oct 2009, Fifi wrote:
Have just been reading out Diggles, Mata, Binky et al to SO. Can barely see screen through tears of laughter. Should be in bed by now, but attendance at favourite folk club has done for the early night. Woe will be me, the morn's morn!

Perhaps some late night cheese on toast, with a dash of English mustard and tabasco, will help soothe us all off to sleep?

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185. At 01:33am on 27 Oct 2009, Fifi wrote:
The sprout puree topping should send me off nicely . . . . . .

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186. At 05:44am on 27 Oct 2009, Little Red wrote:
Morning all.

Rain is back in RL so I think I'll take up position on the beach this morning. I don't begrudge the deluge (even though it floods everything) it's just the noise on the roof I find a problem.

Think I settle in the purple hammock again with a coffee and prepare to face a day after little sleep. No cross aunts from this end today - I'm not risking the weather until I have to.

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187. At 06:24am on 27 Oct 2009, Little Red wrote:
ooooh. I just experienced the new 404 page. It's a bit more exciting that the old one... love it :o)

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188. At 06:39am on 27 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Morning Little Red, morning everyone.

We have rain here too LR, though sadly the roof doesn't stop it from coming inside. Have buckets everywhere and can hear the '1812 Overture' playing.

Sprouty, sorry - only just saw the editorial meeting request, would you like to reschedule? As others above, was watching, oohing and aahing, over baby seals, polar bears, racoons, meerkats and coveting baby elephants. David Attenborough's voiceover simply divine and am convinced he knows every detail about every plant and critter on planet.

Frances, loving your contribution to collective silliness. Sprouty's 'Diggles' has created a beach parallel universe - as if the beach could get any more daft than it already was.

Fifi, did you "sleep perchance to nightmare" after that concoction? Here's me worried about perils of eating green (very Oirish, I hadn't thought of that) Boxty.

Just time for a swim as the sun comes up over the horizon. Have coffee on and some faux Boxty to fry up with some bacon and eggs, if anyone's game.

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189. At 07:03am on 27 Oct 2009, Fifi wrote:
I've been called a game old bird, Sue (actually I haven't but a girl can dream can't she?) so I'll accept the bacon sans eggs please. I can contribute some magnificent steak tomatoes from the local market (SO has discovered shopping, now I'm unavailable to do it for us!) and fresh locally grown sprouts (seriously!!) ... don't knock it till you try it.

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190. At 07:09am on 27 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Morning all. Bacon, eggs and tomatoes for me please. Any chance of a fried slice as well?

Sorry, wont be able to make editorial meeting as I am on my own manning the IT Hell desk today.

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191. At 08:21am on 27 Oct 2009, Anne P. wrote:
Morning all, I do hope someone is going to keep a copy of the full Diggles saga graven onto magnetic media for posterity.

Bacon eggs and tomato sounds just the thing - visibility in RL seriously limited and as the local weather forecaster said 'light drizzle' I heard rain pounding on the roof. Virtual worlds definitely to be recommended today.

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192. At 10:47am on 27 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
reviously on Diggles…..

“ Snow good sir, he is a goner and that makes you the new CO!”…..

….”Right Sarn’t get the Squadron assembled on the parade ground, I need to give them the bad news.”

Ten minutes later all the men, goats and the duck of 53 (F) Squadron were assembled on the parade ground as dusk started to fall.

“Men, bad news I’m afraid, the CO has just taken his last bally flight and has shuffled of this mortal coil”

The assembled men, goats and the duck of 53 (F) Squadron gave a collective gasp, well the duck didn’t so much gasp as quack, seein’ as it was a duck ‘n all.

“Yes chaps, even as we speak he being shipped back to blighty, dodgy ticker by the sound of it”

“Told him not to buy that watch!” whispered Olgy to Minger.

“And as I am the most senior officer I am taking over 53 (F) Squadron”

The assembled men, goats and the duck of 53 (F) Squadron gave a collective groan, well the duck didn’t so much groan as quack, seein’ as it was a duck ‘n all.

“There are going to be few changes, new broom and all that” Diggles carried on oblivious to the low groan and solitary quack. “From now on every day is going to be dress down day. ‘Cept for those on guard or kitchen duty” Diggles recalled a rather nasty accident that had happened to a cook who was frying bacon and eggs whilst wearing pink tutu. “you can wear what you bally well like.”

The assembled men, goats and the duck of 53 (F) Squadron gave a collective cheer, well the duck didn’t so much cheer as quack, seein’ as it was a duck ‘n all.

“Obviously we shall have to abide by social etiquette, so no evening dress until after sun down. And Olgy I forbid you to wear that little strapless Channel number, don’t want to create the wrong impression to visitors after all, do we?”

The assembled men, goats and the duck of 53 (F) Squadron gave a collective cheer, well the duck didn’t so much cheer as quack, seein’ as it was a duck ‘n all.

“Ok, chaps that’s all for now. Keep an eye open for SRO’s* in the morning for more bumf. Carry on”

The assembled men, goats and the duck of 53 (F) Squadron turned and ambled off, well the duck didn’t so much amble as waddle, seein’ as it was a duck ‘n all.

“Olgy, Minger” called into the gathering gloom “My tent in five and bring something to take notes with”

…..to be continued.

*(Station Routine Orders)

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193. At 11:28am on 27 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Sprouty... it really is getting silly now!

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194. At 12:35pm on 27 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Mata Hari-Kari returned to her grass hut in a flaming temper.

“That no-good snake-in-the-grass thinks he can stand me up, does he?”

She upended her Gladstone bag, removed the headphones and twiddled the dials until she had the frequency she wanted.

*@%%@>>>>@@%%%%>>>>>%@@@###@@@~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

Broadcast in a midnight episode of ‘You and Yawn’ there was a coded message from her mole in the BBC. She learned that Diggles had a doppleganger. A man of delusion who fancied himself the CO of a squadron of ducks and some cross dressers with surprisngly good taste. This doppleganger had been sent to the island to ...

*@@~~~~~~~~~~~~~@%%@>>>>@@%%%%>>>>>%@*

She cursed silently and twiddled furiously but it was no good. The signal was lost and she’d have to wait another 24 hours and suffer the irritation of listening to another ‘Y&Y’ programme in order to sift out vital information.

“A doppleganger” she mused. “That explains it. The Diggles I knew would have presented himself at the bar, dashing cad that he is, tried to sweep me off my stilettos and done everything he could - even pretend he was still in love with me - to find out the purpose of my top secret mission.”

However, her evening hadn’t been entirely wasted as she’d spent time idly chatting to a strange looking cove called Fred. Fred had initially been hostile but loosened up after three martinis, a bottle of Moet and four whiskey chasers. Reminded her of a friend from her days with the generals at the Front who had a certain unusal aura and had all the men under his spell – odd chap, name of Bob.

Mata Hari-Kari had mixed emotions about Diggles and the doppleganger. She should have been pleased she could get on with her assignment without Diggles as a distraction but instead she felt a strange sense of disappointment.

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195. At 2:20pm on 27 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Previously on Diggles…..

….“Olgy, Minger” called into the gathering gloom “My tent in five and bring something to take notes with”……

….”Ah come in, help your self to drinkies and pull up a chair” said Diggles to his two flying chums.

“I say Skipper, spiffingly good speech to the chaps I must say” brown tongued Minger hoping to cream off some smarty points!

“Yes, I thought so too” replied Diggles, “Anyhow, back to business. I have just had a call from old Bonking Binkers Binky from Unintelligence. Seems his driver Freddie has gone off after Mata Hari-Kari armed only with a 34 B cup sling shot. Seems she boxed up her Shooter, Spare ammo, Landlocked European country penknife, Garrot, carrot and Jolly secret weapon no-one spoke about by name. But she was in such tearing hurry that the box fell out of the back of her British built 4x4 as it bounced over the anti camel defences and she didn’t notice”

“Cripes” uttered Olgy “she won’t stand a chance against that blasted woman, especially if she has that hidden dagger and the red hibiscus with a poisoned stamen over her left ear!”

“Yes Olgy” mused Diggles, “I will have to move pretty damn fast now that the cat is out of the bag. I will contact our cove at the BBC and get him to lay a false trail. I know she always listens to You and Yawn, maybe he can slip in some sort of coded message. In the mean time I want you Minger to get hold of my twin brother, I may need him to hold down the fort when I go after this blasted woman. I can’t be seen to be leaving now just as I have taken over, the chaps are having a hard enough time as it is with no custard left”

….to be continued….

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196. At 2:39pm on 27 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Anne P, 191. re I do hope someone is going to keep a copy of the full Diggles saga graven onto magnetic media for posterity.

I am!

They include contributions from the asscocated authors and are in correct chronicologicalll thingy order.

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197. At 3:10pm on 27 Oct 2009, Anne P. wrote:
Sprouty (196) brill!

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198. At 4:00pm on 27 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
Sprouty (196) cream!

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199. At 4:04pm on 27 Oct 2009, ValeryP wrote:
Superb! publish and be damp!

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200. At 4:18pm on 27 Oct 2009, The Wrath Is Come wrote:
Afternoon folks. Well well well.

Diggles, Mata Hari-Kari and Fred seem to be having a right old time, what a creative bunch you are, you should start a blog ;-)

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201. At 4:40pm on 27 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
"Oh, my head," groaned Fred. It felt as if a herd of camels had stampeded across her forehead and she'd eaten sand geralds in her sleep. Instinctively she reached for her trusty scarf. By Jove, it stank.

Raising herself on one elbow in the red light of impending dawn, she looked around. A dune? Camel footprints and - she spat - a mouth really jolly well full of sand.

"Thank Churchill!" she breathed devoutly. For a horrible moment she had thought she'd really got stonkered last night. Those three martinis and the first half bottle of champers were enough even for a chapess who prided herself on being more of a chap than the chaps themselves.

Gagging slightly, she wrang out the dregs of whisky which still clung, vilely, to the scarf.

"Better get you washed," she muttered.

Sitting up, Fred felt an odd sensation in her chestal area. Heavy and somehow - well, moving. After a quick look around to make sure the coast - well, the desert - was clear, she draped her jacket over her upstairs frontal region and stripped off her shirt.

The 34 HH cups were sloshing around like a deb's delight at Queen Charlotte's Ball. She disconnected the feeder tube and upended them. Soon get that bally fizz out of them. Can't have the blasted stuff corroding the slingshot function. Careful, though, don't want it popping anything!

Drat and dash! The nozzle was blocked. What to do?

She became aware of something long and hard pressing against her downstairs area. What - ah, just what she wanted.

With a grin, she reached down and circled her fingers firmly around the shaft of the knife she had half-inched from old Mata's inner lining last night while pretending to drunkenly grope her.

Stuffing it down her knickers (Army reinforced serge, chastity, for the preservation of, and therefore quite, well, impregnable) had been a masterstroke and she reflected that she'd certainly pulled it off once Mata thought she was interested in that sort of beastly way.

Pretending to have to go outside to make a telephone call to a chap in China called Huey was a masterstroke. In moments she'd been safe behind the dunes.

With a deft twist of the tip she unblocked the nozzle and the fizz burst out. There! The little tricks they'd taught in Miss De Meanour's French Finishing School for Young Ladies always came up trumps, even if they were thought up by Johnny Foreigner. A jolly clever chap, Mr Foreigner, if a cad.

Now for a quick look at the lie of the land. Hardly necessary. It was sort of flattish, sandy, and in the not-flattish bits it was duney.

Now what to do? Where was Diggles? Where was Mata? And what the bally Hector was that she'd said about a duffle gangster? Really, the woman was a mystery wrapped in an enigma hardly covered by fishnet stockings.

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202. At 5:47pm on 27 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
It's very quiet here.

Too quiet.

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203. At 5:57pm on 27 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
BOOOOOO!!!!! ;o)

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204. At 5:59pm on 27 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
EEEEEKK!!!!

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205. At 6:09pm on 27 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
Now now, Frances, Calm down - It's only a Blog! :oD

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206. At 6:12pm on 27 Oct 2009, Sid wrote:
Returning to the Diggles theme, momentarily ... one real quote which I have always cherished is something like:

'Well, we can't stay here', averred Biggles, removing a bee from his ear.

Classic ...

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207. At 6:20pm on 27 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
Ah, Big Sis, you have such Winner-ing ways... ;o)

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208. At 6:30pm on 27 Oct 2009, Anne P. wrote:
Did I ever tell you we once lived above an art gallery run by Michael Winner's parents? He now looks the spitting image of his Dad forty years ago.

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209. At 6:39pm on 27 Oct 2009, Sid wrote:
Just for accuracy, I've located the actual quote:

"As a matter of fact, I was wondering if it was possible to put the machine down here," replied Biggles, removing a bee from his ear.

The Cruise of the Condor, p 84.

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210. At 6:53pm on 27 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
Wonderful.

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211. At 8:05pm on 27 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Evening everyone. Just going for a stroll along the beach after a MOST hectic day in RL which has sadly prevented me from being here.

More later.

Lots more later.

Or less.

Depending on whether one is talking text or chiffon.

Frances! You do surprise me.

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212. At 8:13pm on 27 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Look Peeps, I can't keep up with the bleedin' plot. And I started it!

Cut me some slack pleeeeeeease.

I am trying to juggle an RL job, RL keep fit, RL wife, RL grandchildren, RL cooking tea followed by the RL bathing of said RL grandchildren!

So can we paws, take five and then Diggles & Co can resume their adventures at a more sedate pace?

Yours hoppfully

Sprout. CDM and Bar

P.S and I have some DiY to do!

;-)

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213. At 8:36pm on 27 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
Lady Sue, moi? What've I done?

Sproutster, OK. Suits me, too - we can leave them all simmering in their own juice for a while, I think.

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214. At 9:07pm on 27 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Right! re the editorial Diggles decisiony thingy!

I go next!

Bluddy good job PM doesn't operate like this, Ed and Sequin etc. would have had kittens by now!

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215. At 9:21pm on 27 Oct 2009, Sid wrote:
Actually, I think PM probably does operate something like this!!

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216. At 10:01pm on 27 Oct 2009, Anne P. wrote:
Sid, I think you may be right, which would account for why we are still here and have a beach to play on courtesy of our lord and master and his team.

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217. At 11:57pm on 27 Oct 2009, UptheTrossachs wrote:
You're all mad. Thank goodness - business as usual.
Struggling, juggling in RL. Love to all
mwah!

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218. At 00:16am on 28 Oct 2009, Lord Nathan wrote:
- "I've been called a game old bird, "
Better than an old game bird, eh?

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219. At 00:31am on 28 Oct 2009, Lord Nathan wrote:
- "Sprouty (196) cream!"
Is he
Lonesome
Or just blind--
This guy who drives
So close behind?
Burma-Shave
Burmah Shave!

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220. At 06:41am on 28 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Mata Hari-Kari hadn’t been able to sleep. The moonlight floated in on the scent of jasmin, its silver beams illuminated the grass hut, casting long shadows over her bed. Protecting the dolphins against the evils of the tuna-fishermen and bounders like Diggles who professed to like the taste was one thing but, as she tossed and turned, she contemplated how she would carry out her top secret mission.

Restless, she decided to go for a walk along the beach. Hesitating slightly between the inky blue satin and the Oriental print, she finally selected the dark green silk sarong and wrapped it loosely around her naked, perfectly toned pale body, tying it in a simple knot above her left bosom. She brushed her long raven hair, applied her red lipstick and, silently cursing that she’d misplaced her antique dragon-shaped dagger, picked up the poison-stemmed hibiscus. Positioning it in her cleavage would serve the double purpose of protection, in the unlikely event she might meet someone who needed silently doing in, and making her even more enticing. One never knew what to expect in these dangerous times and a woman – especially a woman with her reputation – had always to look her best.

Mata stepped barefoot out on the flattish, sandy beach and headed towards the the anti-camel defences on the dunes. Behind her, the waves crashed against the shore and from the bar in the distance she could hear the sound of slow, sensuous music. She walked at a leisurely pace, forcing all thoughts of Diggles from her mind and speculating instead about Fred. She’d known some world-class fumblers in her time but he really took the biscuit. As she walked, silhouetted by the moonlight, she almost didn’t see the box, which was partly hidden behind one of the anti-camel defences.

“A secret weapon no-one would dare talk about by name!” she exclaimed as she opened the lid. “Just what I need, pity about the colour (Mata Hari-Kari simply didn’t do Bakerlight beige) but it will have to do.” She picked it up and so as not to draw attention to herself, only ever-so-slightly increased the tempo of her slow, measured strides (she simply didn’t do ‘hurry’) and headed purposefully back to the grass hut.

Once inside she was able to get a good look at the secret weapon. It was a new, updated version from the one she’d been trained on and she almost hoped she wouldn’t have to use it. She’d have to let HQ know she had it but a plan was already forming in her mind as she upturned her Gladstone bag and began twiddling the dials.

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221. At 08:06am on 28 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
"...picked up the poison-stemmed hibiscus..." that should have been "poison-stamen hibiscus". Sorry! Too early in the morning.

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222. At 08:38am on 28 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Nice one Lady_Sue!
I shan't have any time for Digglesing today as I am i/c looking after the grandchildren!

Anyhoo, te, coffee and crossaunts are ready.

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223. At 10:32am on 28 Oct 2009, Molly wrote:
Sprouty-
You deserve a break and we do too. From giggling, I mean. Phew! Time to compose myself...

Well, half wat through the week- long way to go to get to 500....have to work at it, won't we ?

Mxx

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224. At 10:41am on 28 Oct 2009, Sid wrote:
To get to 500, Molly, we'd have to get lots of people to post a lot of pointless drivel ... can't be done, can it?

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225. At 11:09am on 28 Oct 2009, Molly wrote:
Nah! Course not, can it?
Not without bieng very silly..

Mxx

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226. At 11:12am on 28 Oct 2009, Molly wrote:
That's not our style, is it .....:-)

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227. At 11:23am on 28 Oct 2009, Fearless Fred wrote:
We have a style???

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228. At 11:34am on 28 Oct 2009, Molly wrote:
In a manner of speaking....

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229. At 11:39am on 28 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
The race is on...500 or bust.

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230. At 11:52am on 28 Oct 2009, U14138029 wrote:
Nah! Not enough posts. We're 100 behind where we were this time last week!

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231. At 12:02pm on 28 Oct 2009, Anne P. wrote:
Preston, You've been keeping count???

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232. At 12:17pm on 28 Oct 2009, U14138029 wrote:
No, I just popped back to

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233. At 12:17pm on 28 Oct 2009, U14138029 wrote:
last week's Beach and noted that

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234. At 12:17pm on 28 Oct 2009, Molly wrote:
How many did we get last week, again? Altogether, that is.....?

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235. At 12:18pm on 28 Oct 2009, U14138029 wrote:
at midday on Wednesday

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236. At 12:18pm on 28 Oct 2009, U14138029 wrote:
we were over 330.

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237. At 12:19pm on 28 Oct 2009, Molly wrote:
Oh! No! I'm going to miss my yoga class... must dash.... it;s a tough life...

mxx

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238. At 12:23pm on 28 Oct 2009, Molly wrote:
ps why ae we sooooo far behind, d'you think ?

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239. At 12:41pm on 28 Oct 2009, U14138029 wrote:
Actually we're probably well above average - last week was a bit of an exception. The last 6 weeks of Beach postings have been:
547
256
136
153
377

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240. At 1:37pm on 28 Oct 2009, Sid wrote:
I was crossing a farmer's field the other day, wondering how I'd get over the barbed wire fence. Suddenly I spotted the farmer, erecting a plank on two posts, which would enable me to get across with no problem. As I climbed over, I said 'Thanks a lot - I really like your style.'

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241. At 2:06pm on 28 Oct 2009, U14138029 wrote:
Sid - Now that is really, truly awful. Even I wouldn't dare tell one like that! As penance you will have no sprouts for a week.

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242. At 2:32pm on 28 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Look on the bright side, Sid - you wont be contributing to nearly as many carbon emissions.

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243. At 2:32pm on 28 Oct 2009, Lord Nathan wrote:
A funny way to walk the plank, but it takes all sorts

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244. At 3:53pm on 28 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
The secret weapon no-one would dare talk about by name was the genuine article, no doubt about it. Just as HQ described, the Pegasus logo was there and then it wasn’t, then it came back and then it went away again. It was intermittent somehow and puzzled her until she realised she could only see when the sunlight reflected off it.

Now Fred was puzzling her. There was something she couldn’t quite put her manicured finger on, indeed, something she didn’t want to put her manicured finger on. It wasn’t only the way his wiry, ginger, handle-bar moustache moved when he clumsily lunged forward and kissed her, or the way his breast pockets seemed so heavily padded, there was something else, something decidedly ‘Bob’-like.

Bob had been a strange one. She’d known him months before and all the chaps on the Front were besotted with him. Surprisingly, he was immune to Mata’s charms. Before encountering him, she’d never known man, boy or beast who could resist her. After a lot of mixed messages, they developed a friendship of sorts. Bob liked, no, loved to shop. He knew where all the best material stalls were in the markets, which of the traders made the best fitting shoes from the softest leather and he had a real knack for accessories. He’d also introduced her to that one-eyed, turban wearing, lingerie hawker who always worked with a parrot on his shoulder and plied his trade in a back room of ‘The Golden Duck’. The one-eyed, turban wearing, lingerie hawker was able to get lace and silk stockings through enemy lines when the troops were struggling to get rations but, despite their entreaties, neither he nor his parrot would tell them how he managed it.

She forced herself to concentrate on mastering the complicated mechanism for the secret weapon no-one would dare talk about by name. She knew the mission was dangerous – possibly a suicide mission, which, strangely, she had long been drawn towards. A lot depended on her but she was only one woman.

“Blast it” she cursed, “Time is running out. HQ directs this mission has to be completed by 6am Friday morning. I’m going to have to enlist the help of one of these chaps or I’ll never pull it off”.

Who to choose? She knew she’d never convince Diggles and his two sidekicks, Olgy and Minger, to help. Those two were not only wet-behind-the ears, they followed Diggles blindly, even bumping into him when he stopped suddenly.

“It will have to be Fred. There’s something about him, besides being the only man in uniform who doesn’t gawp at my cleavage when he talks to me. I should have more luck focusing his attention on the job at hand than I will with that lot of drooling fools.”

She hid the secret weapon no-one would dare talk about by name in the back of the wardrobe, where no-one would dream of looking, and pondered over what to wear. This was going to be tricky, she’d couldn’t simply dress for seduction, not with Fred, but she did have certain standards.

She choose a long, black, figure-hugging sequinned dress with a side-split up to her shapely, toned thighs. The Chinese collar would deter any cleavage drooling. The hibiscus with the poisoned stem was wilting a little, so she plucked a fresh one from the garden outside the grass hut and dipped its stamen in the poison she kept in a little green jar by her bed and placed it over her left ear.

She applied her red lipstick carefully before locking the bamboo door on the hut and strolling to the bar. She sat at the end of the counter with her back to the wall so she could watch who came and went.

Mata Hari-Kari waited. Just like a spider.

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245. At 4:27pm on 28 Oct 2009, ValeryP wrote:
"Those two were not only wet-behind-the ears, they followed Diggles blindly, even bumping into him when he stopped suddenly."

Wonderful, still snorting!!

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246. At 4:41pm on 28 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
Argh, Lady Sue, you are as tempting as Mata Hari-Kari but I did sort of promise myself not to revisit Fred till Spouty has time out from Real Life to catch up...

So the coast is clear for Mata, I fear...

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247. At 4:49pm on 28 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
Oops! SProuty. Not suggesting that he spouts anything. Except good stuff.

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248. At 5:23pm on 28 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Time to deprive Lady_Sue from the Vegemite I think!

:-p

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249. At 5:48pm on 28 Oct 2009, Lord Nathan wrote:
Is it safe?

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250. At 5:48pm on 28 Oct 2009, Wonko wrote:
What ho!

Long time, no Beach. A combination of being terribly busy in RL, then ill and then terribly busy in RL again catching up on all the work I missed while I was ill.

Can't stay long on this visit either I'm afraid, nearly time to go home...

;o) []

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251. At 5:50pm on 28 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Too kind ValP.

Apologies Frances, I was the same but the muse simply took over.

Too cruel Sprouty!

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252. At 5:59pm on 28 Oct 2009, Lord Nathan wrote:
Peers round timidly....

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253. At 6:06pm on 28 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
Ah, Lady Sue. Thalia. Muse of comedy. She's a real pest, isn't she? Meanwhile Fred and Diggles are helpless before your keyboard. Have mercy!

Hello, Lord N, welcome to the Beach. It seems safe enough here. Unless you're worried about camels or italicised adventures.

Gosh, what notable company we're keeping!

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254. At 6:08pm on 28 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
LOL, Lord N@252. My late hubby wrote a book about his time in Moscow during the 1957 revolution celebrations. He couldn't get a journalist's visa and the only way he could cover the march through Red Square was to disguise himself as a Russian and take part. He even managed an interview with Krushchev at a subsequent cocktail party. He called his book, 'A Peer Behind the Curtain'.

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255. At 6:10pm on 28 Oct 2009, Sid wrote:
"Of course it's safe, Lord Nathan," ejaculated Sid, "as long as you're not allergic to Diggles - there seems to be a bit of a bally outbreak around here. Must be the monsoons. Or the mongooses. Or the hoots mon ..."

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256. At 6:12pm on 28 Oct 2009, Sid wrote:
Eek - no sprouts for a week ...

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257. At 6:25pm on 28 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
Sid, I recently noticed that the local greengrocer has taken delivery of a number of miniature cabbages; would they do?

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258. At 6:27pm on 28 Oct 2009, nikki noodle wrote:
Welcome Lord Nathan!

I am avidly following these editions of Mata, Diggles and Fred!! Fantastic work, a crate of champers for the scribblers!!!
n-n

Meanwhile, the duck of 53(F) Squadron quacked thoughtfully
"Quack"

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259. At 7:07pm on 28 Oct 2009, Cossackgirl wrote:
254. Copies of the 1959 edition freely available on the rainforest river site. Caution with personal info...

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260. At 7:40pm on 28 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
LordN: apologies, where are my manners? I hadn't realised this was your first visit. Welcome. It's a bit like the "other place" only even more worldly.

Cossackgirl, nice to see you here. It's a most entertaining read and, thank you very much for your caution. I'm not terribly worried about disclosing personal info - but I do very much appreciate your concern.

Frances, I suspect Thalia was teasing me today as, immediately after posting, I re-read and saw so many ways the Mata entries could have been made much better and much funnier. Drat.

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261. At 7:45pm on 28 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
I thought they were great, Sue. But isn't that always the way - same for me with my rather long effusion of yesterday. Ho, hum.

Hello, cossackgirl!

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262. At 9:01pm on 28 Oct 2009, Molly wrote:
Wonko (250)
Nice to see you again. Don't stay away too long..

(whispers)... For those of you who haven't met W before, he's worth keeping in with-
one of the dabbest hands at russling up a feast at the drop of a hat. Tables need to be booked, however....

Well, I'm offf to bed. Exhausted. As you can probly tell...
'night!

Mxx

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263. At 9:16pm on 28 Oct 2009, Fifi wrote:
Tsk. All this literary activity. And Chris the Pickle wonders why we see so little of Sprouty on the book of faces these days; quite worried she was!

I just think it's a shame Wogan is retiring so soon. Diggles, Mata and Fred are all worthy successors to the Janet n John franchise, surely.

Anyhow, this game old bird is taking herself upstairs for a leisurely soak, and may join you later if the family bellringer isn't home by then.

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264. At 9:55pm on 28 Oct 2009, Stewart_M wrote:
Seeing as fifi is in the bath who is going to sneak round and ring the doorbell?

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265. At 10:04pm on 28 Oct 2009, Fifi wrote:
Aha, Stewart - caught you!

Don't worry folks, I am perfectly decent. My floor-to-ceiling goonie and slippersox are draughtproof, gropeproof and above all fortyproofproof.

My SO bought carrots and sprouts at the market on Friday, and tonight I made broth with the 2nd-last of both. Would anyone like to try the deliciously rich, orange with flecks of green, concoction? Available in bowls or mugs or by the slice.

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266. At 10:56pm on 28 Oct 2009, Sid wrote:
I was just beginning to think it was bedtime ... then I saw 'DAMMING REPORT' on the BBC ten o'clock news, and now I'm wide awake and cross ... don't they employ proof-readers? If I remember, I'll put this in tomorrow's glass box.

Hmph.

Tch.

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267. At 11:10pm on 28 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
Sid, I've just come onto the Beach to report the same fact - I could hardly believe my eyes! They don't need proof readers, they just need literate writers. I will back you up in the Glass Box tomorrow. Thinking about it, I'd imagine it will make the papers anyway - the final irony will be if it appears in the Grauniad who may just, on this occasion, get the spelling right!*;o)

*or should that be 'write'?

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268. At 11:24pm on 28 Oct 2009, annasee wrote:
Big Sis - surely "rite"?

(Just helping out with the Beach total)

Anyone know where Eddie's disappeared to? I hope he's not gone off for an adventure, when it's all happening here on the Beach. I mean, that would be a waste of an airfare for a start, wouldn't it?

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269. At 11:25pm on 28 Oct 2009, The Wrath Is Come wrote:
Evening all, my my where to start?

Big Sis/Sid - haven't heard this "DAMNING REPORT" as yet, will have a look into it. (promise)

Lord Nathan - Hello and welcome, ours is an abstract beach, you'll like it here!

Fifi - any more of that Broth going?

Wonko - nice to hear from you, I was starting to get cough...worried...cough, do come back soon!

CG - ditto, I was hoping I would hear from you again :-)

"Meanwhile, the duck of 53(F) Squadron hummed as he was thinking...
Or rather he quacked, seeing as he was a duck and all."
"Quack!"

PS sorry for the long post, been away for a while.

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270. At 11:27pm on 28 Oct 2009, The Wrath Is Come wrote:
Sorry Annasea, don't have a clue, copa cabana perhaps?

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271. At 11:50pm on 28 Oct 2009, Lord Nathan wrote:
Thanks all for the welcomes, and I do love abstraction, Mr Wrath. And Cossack Girl, speaking of discretion and all, a mutual friend wishes me to pass on his thanks for certain literary advice you gave him. It was much to his Pilate.

;-)

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272. At 07:45am on 29 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Morning Peeps.
Thursday bacon geralds are in the hostess troll at NC's. Coffe and tea urns fully charged.

Still having a problem with broadband this morning

0.1Mbps in both directions! Will start to rattle TalkTalk and BT cages whn I get to work!

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273. At 07:53am on 29 Oct 2009, Anne P. wrote:
Morning all, fresh tea and coffee on the bar and a special brew of sage and rosemary tea, which I'm sure I read somewhere was good for the creative brain cells. Welcome Lord_N, let me know how you like your morning beverage.

Am deeply envious (in a nice way of course) of the creative talents exhibited here. My writings are all of the factual kind, and I am much enjoying your literary outpourings.

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274. At 07:55am on 29 Oct 2009, Anne P. wrote:
Ah, Sprouty, you beat me to it. Good luck with unblocking the arteries of your broadband.

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275. At 08:25am on 29 Oct 2009, gossipmistress wrote:
Thanks for the brekkie Sprouty! Hope you get your connections going again.. Never mind the computer, I only operate on 0.1Mbps at this time in the morning!

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276. At 08:50am on 29 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
Lord N, can you give us all an update on the red squirrel situation in your area? ;o)

Incidentally, five days in red squirrel country last week and not one of them deigned to wave hello. Too busy getting their nuts in order, I expect.

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277. At 09:28am on 29 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
276 BigSis
What colour were their nuts?

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278. At 09:41am on 29 Oct 2009, Trevor Mansell wrote:
Mornin' peeps, been away a while due to RL getting in the way. managed to read all about Diggles and co. Seriously impressed. I'll have a large extra strong coffee and a bacon Gerald please, and then get back to RL. See y'all.

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279. At 09:50am on 29 Oct 2009, Fearless Fred wrote:
Morning all! I bring a platter of assorted doughnuts, flapjacks, brownies, danish pastries, cream cakes, and other assorted munchies. Enjoy! :-)))

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280. At 10:00am on 29 Oct 2009, Wonko wrote:
Morning All!

Thanks for the words of welcome backness, much appreciated.

And belated welcomes to m'lud Nathan too.

Ah, any bacon geralds left? Just what I could do with this morning, along with a nice pot of coffee...

;o) []

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281. At 10:01am on 29 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Morning everyone. The breakfast bar is a cornucopia of temptation today. I might indulge in a danish, thanks Fred. Just off for a swim - anyone care to join me?

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282. At 10:15am on 29 Oct 2009, Lord Nathan wrote:
Regarding clogged broadband arteries, perhaps it's the squirrels using cloud storage? My broadband has been as unsettled as the weather of late. Or perhaps the squirrels have got wind of the release of the karmic koalas?

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283. At 10:16am on 29 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
Lucien: Hazel. A bit like their fur, in fact ;o)

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284. At 11:02am on 29 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Previously on Diggles……

"Meanwhile, the duck of 53(F) Squadron hummed as he was thinking...
Or rather he quacked, seeing as he was a duck and all."
"Quack!"…

…….Diggles had sent for his twin brother Wiggles and had briefed him on the aborted mission destroy “The Sheds” and how Freddie had gone racing off after Mata Hari-Kari only armed with a 34 B cup single loading slingshot.

Wiggles took all this in his stride, nothing ceased to amaze him in this crazy world since he had once found his brother in a steamy embrace with 15 Squadrons Sheep mascot! He blamed there crazy Uncle from the East Midlands near RAF Tittering, his ferret worrying habits had probably contributed to Diggles’s demeanour. Their Uncle had raised the two boys as his own after their father had mysteriously disappeared while trying to track down Susie Hari-Kari.

It was then they realised that the woman they were after was the daughter of the woman who their beloved father had gone after and she just might hold the key to his whereabouts. Not only that, it suddenly came to the pair that their sister, Fiona “Freddie” Littletool had left Cambridge to join the Unintelligent Corps and this must be the very same Freddie what was now in the greatest peril.

If Mata Hari-Kari had the slightest inkling, as to whom Fred is then there is no saying to what she might do.

(Note to readers….please try to keep up!)

”What?” said Diggles.

“Just saying ‘If Mata Hari-Kari had the slightest inkling as to who Fred is then there is no saying to what she might do,” replied Wiggles, “Anyway you’d better get your skates on old girl. By all accounts the balloon will go up at 6am tomorrow and we don’t want to be caught with our pants down………again”

Diggles called for his batman “Dinner, Dinner Dinner….Batman” and instructed him to get Olgy and Minger to fuel and arm his Soppy Camel ready for what was probably going to be the moistest dangerous mission Diggles had ever taken on…

….to be continued…..

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285. At 11:24am on 29 Oct 2009, U14138029 wrote:
Lord_Nathan (282) - Belated greetings! I used to be occasionally hoarse, but I feel like a new man now!

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286. At 11:25am on 29 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
Sprouty, what have you said?

It's a busy day in Real Life, but I'll see what I can do with Fred while sitting on buses.

Should the storyline be wound up today (seeing as there'll be a new Beach tomorrow, an' all)?

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287. At 11:50am on 29 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
For those who missed it yesterday, here's the link to last night's news, which 'spelt trouble' for the BBC. You'll need to look about 1m 45 into the video ...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/player/nol/newsid_5350000/newsid_5351100/5351140.stm?bw=bb&mp=wm&news=1&bbcws=1#

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288. At 12:07pm on 29 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
LOL, it was only a matter of time before Diggles was modded. I will rewrite the episode to remove all mention of steamy embraces and four legged, grass eating wooly animals.

Standby...

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289. At 12:11pm on 29 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Previously on Diggles……

"Meanwhile, the duck of 53(F) Squadron hummed as he was thinking...
Or rather he quacked, seeing as he was a duck and all."
"Quack!"…

…….Diggles had sent for his twin brother Wiggles and had briefed him on the aborted mission destroy “The Sheds” and how Freddie had gone racing off after Mata Hari-Kari only armed with a 34 B cup single loading slingshot.

Wiggles took all this in his stride, nothing ceased to amaze him in this crazy world since he had once found his brother mud wrestling a shepherd! He blamed their crazy Uncle from the East Midlands near RAF Tittering, his ferret worrying habits had probably contributed to Diggles’s demeanour. Their Uncle had raised the two boys as his own after their father had mysteriously disappeared while trying to track down Susie Hari-Kari.

It was then they realised that the woman they were after was the daughter of the woman who their beloved father had gone after and she just might hold the key to his whereabouts. Not only that, it suddenly came to the pair that their sister, Fiona “Freddie” Littletool had left Cambridge to join the Unintelligent Corps and this must be the very same Freddie what was now in the greatest peril.
If Mata Hari-Kari had the slightest inkling, as to whom Fred is then there is no saying to what she might do.

(Note to readers….please try to keep up!)

”What?” said Diggles.
“Just saying ‘If Mata Hari-Kari had the slightest inkling as to who Fred is then there is no saying to what she might do,” replied Wiggles, “Anyway you’d better get your skates on old girl. By all accounts the balloon will go up at 6am tomorrow and we don’t want to be caught with our pants down………again”
Diggles called for his batman “Dinner, Dinner Dinner….Batman” and instructed him to get Olgy and Minger to fuel and arm his Soppy Camel ready for what was probably going to be the moistest dangerous mission Diggles had ever taken on…

….to be continued…..

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290. At 12:19pm on 29 Oct 2009, U14138029 wrote:
See that big Jeroboam of bubbly on the bar? Don't touch that until Fearless Fred appears. Then we can all wish him HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

l

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291. At 12:26pm on 29 Oct 2009, U14138029 wrote:
SproutGhost - I suspect some disaffected numpty is playing silly beggars and referring for no other reason than to annoy.

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292. At 12:28pm on 29 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
PF 291, me too but thos nice mods have yet to mail 'me' as to why I am being modded. Perhaps a shed to far!

Anyhoo onwards an upwards.

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293. At 12:29pm on 29 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
********************HAPPY BIRTHDAY FEARLESS FRED******************
#############################################################

That's the bunting sorted. Happy Birthday Fearless! Have a jolly day.

Sprouty - whatever are you saying? Must be steamier than Mata Hari-Kari's bath. Or are you trying to sneak in some foreign phrases? I was longing to put in a song but the title was French and I didn't dare.

Oh look, a crate has washed up on the shore.

*pries open lid*

Why, its dozens and dozens of tins of baked beans. A gift from the Ministry of Silly Farts. How kind. Dare we eat it? I wouldn't want to contribute to global warming.

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294. At 12:31pm on 29 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
289. At 12:11pm on 29 Oct 2009, you wrote:
Previously on Diggles……

"Meanwhile, the duck of 53(F) Squadron hummed as he was thinking...
Or rather he quacked, seeing as he was a duck and all."
"Quack!"…

…….Diggles had sent for his twin brother Wiggles and had briefed him on the mission they had to abort and how Freddie had gone racing off after Mata Hari-Kari only armed with a 34 B cup single loading slingshot.

Wiggles took all this in his stride, nothing ceased to amaze him in this crazy world since he had once found his brother mud wrestling a shepherd! He blamed their crazy Uncle from the East Midlands near RAF Tittering, his ferret worrying habits had probably contributed to Diggles’s demeanour. Their Uncle had raised the two boys as his own after their father had mysteriously disappeared while trying to track down Susie Hari-Kari.

It was then they realised that the woman they were after was the daughter of the woman who their beloved father had gone after and she just might hold the key to his whereabouts. Not only that, it suddenly came to the pair that their sister, Fiona “Freddie” Littletool had left Cambridge to join the Unintelligent Corps and this must be the very same Freddie what was now in the greatest peril.
If Mata Hari-Kari had the slightest inkling, as to whom Fred is then there is no saying to what she might do.

(Note to readers….please try to keep up!)

”What?” said Diggles.
“Just saying ‘If Mata Hari-Kari had the slightest inkling as to who Fred is then there is no saying to what she might do,” replied Wiggles, “Anyway you’d better get your skates on old girl. By all accounts the balloon will go up at 6am tomorrow and we don’t want to be caught with our pants down………again”
Diggles called for his batman “Dinner, Dinner Dinner….Batman” and instructed him to get Olgy and Minger to fuel and arm his Soppy Camel ready for what was probably going to be the moistest dangerous mission Diggles had ever taken on…

….to be continued…..

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295. At 12:40pm on 29 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
Happy Birthday, Fearless! Several crates of Black Stump behind the bar for you to enjoy ;o)

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296. At 12:44pm on 29 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Sprouty, all this modding is getting funny! Persevere, old chap!

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297. At 12:48pm on 29 Oct 2009, ChrisThePickle wrote:
Afternoon Fronds!!
Oooooh, I'd forgotten how relaxing it is here, especially when RL is full of household chores that I've taken a week's leave to tackle... I need the bumps feeling methinks...
I love the literary efforts, and have moist eyes and stuffy nose to prove it - can't read it all at once, it's too much!! Brilliant.
At least I can stop worrying about your absence on that social networking site that's doing everyone's heads in DiY... oops, sorry Speedy Sprout... Feefs did say you've been busy authoring!

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298. At 12:52pm on 29 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
I wish the mods would hurry up and mail me so that I know how to rectify the post so that I can re-post!

:-)

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299. At 12:57pm on 29 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
May I second?....

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
********************HAPPY BIRTHDAY FEARLESS FRED******************
#############################################################

Lady_Sue, I think you have new mail waiting!

;-)

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300. At 1:03pm on 29 Oct 2009, ValeryP wrote:
Don't tell me they've taken exception to Diggles altogether? He wasn't in the altogether, was he Sprouty?

Big Sis - I'm swooning with exasperation, having viewed your link. Thank goodness I didn't have the tv on last night or I'd have thrown something at it!

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301. At 1:04pm on 29 Oct 2009, gossipmistress wrote:
Happy Birthday FFred!
I've brought you a small B'day cake -
make a wish before blowing out the candles
(I've just put 5 on, I didn't want to start
a fire... ;-P )

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302. At 1:07pm on 29 Oct 2009, ChrisThePickle wrote:
"Dammed" BBC editors!! What are they thinking? Grrrrrrrrrrr............

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303. At 1:09pm on 29 Oct 2009, gossipmistress wrote:
PS (301) Sorry it's only a small cake, I tried to draw a large one but it fell apart in the preview post!

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304. At 1:11pm on 29 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Previously on Diggles...

"Meanwhile, the duck of 53(F) Squadron hummed as he was thinking...
Or rather he quacked, seeing as he was a duck and all."
"Quack!"...

.......Diggles slipped out of his stained flying suit and into the hot tub as his batman rubbed the......

to be continued...

LOL...testing times!

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305. At 1:21pm on 29 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Previously on Diggles...

is not the next episode!
As I said these are testing times.

Lady_Sue disregard the editoral e-mail....thanks!

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306. At 1:41pm on 29 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Sprouty, Roger that. Over.

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307. At 1:43pm on 29 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Previously on Diggles……

"Meanwhile, the duck of 53(F) Squadron hummed as he was thinking...
Or rather he quacked, seeing as he was a duck and all."
"Quack!"…

…….Diggles had sent for his twin brother Wiggles and had briefed him on the mission they had to abort and how Freddie had gone racing off after Mata Hari-Kari only armed with a 34 B cup single loading slingshot.

Wiggles took all this in his stride, nothing ceased to amaze him in this crazy world since he had once found his brother mud wrestling a shepherd! He blamed their crazy Uncle from the East Midlands near RAF Unmentionable (to coin a well used PM Frogging phrase), his ferret worrying habits had probably contributed to Diggles’s demeanour. Their Uncle had raised the two boys as his own after their father had mysteriously disappeared while trying to track down Susie Hari-Kari.

It was then they realised that the woman they were after was the daughter of the woman who their beloved father had gone after and she just might hold the key to his whereabouts. Not only that, it suddenly came to the pair that their sister, Fiona “Freddie” Littletool had left Cambridge to join the Unintelligent Corps and this must be the very same Freddie what was now in the greatest peril.
If Mata Hari-Kari had the slightest inkling, as to whom Fred is then there is no saying to what she might do.

(Note to readers…please try to keep up!)

”What?” said Diggles.
“Just saying ‘If Mata Hari-Kari had the slightest inkling as to who Fred is then there is no saying to what she might do,” replied Wiggles, “Anyway you’d better get your skates on old girl. By all accounts the balloon will go up at 6am tomorrow and we don’t want to be caught with our pants down………again”
Diggles called for his batman “Dinner, Dinner Dinner….Batman” and instructed him to get Olgy and Minger to fuel and arm his Soppy Camel ready for what was probably going to be the moistest dangerous mission Diggles had ever taken on…

….to be continued…..

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308. At 1:47pm on 29 Oct 2009, andycroak wrote:

Hippo Birdy Fearless!!

Have a quacking time ;)

A

ps : lurve the stories SG/LS/OF, keep 'em coming, me too envious of all your narrative prowesses, I'll have to stick to writing syntactically precise pooter bobbins I think ...

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309. At 2:04pm on 29 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Previously on Diggles……
Diggles called for his batman “Dinner, Dinner Dinner….Batman” and instructed him to get Olgy and Minger to fuel and arm his Soppy Camel ready for what was probably going to be the moistest dangerous mission Diggles had ever taken on…
………Diggles lay in the bath pondering how to go about overcoming the most devious but mouth watering beautiful Mata Hari-Kari, when it suddenly came to him! Leaping from the steaming bath, he called for his batman “Dinner, Dinner, Dinner….Batman” and instructed him to lay out his best ‘Thursday’ flying togs.
“Do you want the pair with the green tassels sir” shouted Sarn’t Daffy Dapper.
“Please, and the silver cufflinks as well!” responded our fave aviator as he shaved his legs. Diggles then strolled into his dressing room, paused and admired his flying kit all laid out on his bed. From the toes of his gleaming black thigh length calfskin leather flying boots to the gold macrame Speedos with green tassels, the red satin shirt, the silver moleskin Mae West and the fluorescent pink flying helmet everything was cleaned and pressed to perfection. Diggles pulled on a pair of dark blue silk stockings smoothed out the wrinkles and then donned the rest of his ‘kit’. All the while Sarn’t Daffy stood on hand awaiting his bosses command with a lump rising in his throat and tear glinting in his eye. Never before had the Boss looked so good.
Diggles left his tent, well marquee really, and to the cheers of the entire squadron he strode manfully to his newly serviced, fuelled and armed Camel. He now felt the burden of leading the squadron but the feeling of elation as he might find his father, rescue his sister and sort that woman out easily lifted the burden.
He swung is leg over Minger, climbed into the cockpit and strapped him self in. The tight bondage of the leather safety harness with the silver buckles only helped to raise his level of excitement.
"Switches off" yelled Diggles as the mechanic swung the prop. "Switches on" he called as the fitter swung the prop through top dead centre. The engine fired once, coughed and died.
"Again, Daffy" Diggles shouted.
"Switches off"
"Switches on"
"Contact" and with a huff and a puff followed by a roar Diggles's Camel leapt into life.
Diggles eased the throttle forward and turning into wind gave the old girl her head. In a thrice he was bouncing across the makeshift field but with the full load of fuel, ammunition and other WMD the Soppy Camel was having problems gaining enough speed to get off. Diggles grimaced and clenched himself as the boundary hedge loomed ever closer and then with one large bounce he was airborne.
He put the Camel into a gentle climbing turn and passed back over the airfield at a hundred feet waving to the throng below he set course for THE Beach and what may be his last mission. Diggles thoughts slipped back to the days of that long lost hot summer. So much mud, so much wrestling, so many shiny slippery bodies and he hoped that he would live to enjoy the ‘sport’ again......
…to be continued…..

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310. At 2:09pm on 29 Oct 2009, Lord Nathan wrote:
Happy anniversary, Fearless!

As to the narrative, to coin a phrase,

I'm lovin' it!

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311. At 2:26pm on 29 Oct 2009, The Wrath Is Come wrote:
Afternoon everyone - Christhepickle good to see you on this fine beach :o) And a BIG "Hippy Barfday" to Fearless. Many Hippy Returns ;0)

Today I am contemplating party games, catering and costumery for a halowe'en party for the little 'ums, any ideas? the only games I can think of are bobbing for apples and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey/scary monster. I really am useless at this sort of thing.

"Meanwhile, the duck of 53(F) Squadron contemplated his "Frankenduck"TM costume for the party...
Or rather he quacked, seeing as he was a duck and all."
"Quack!"…

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312. At 2:27pm on 29 Oct 2009, Fearless Fred wrote:
Thanks, folks! I was trying to fly under the radar there, but I guess Diggles ratted me out! ;-)

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313. At 2:35pm on 29 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Sprouty, you are setting the bar rather high (no pun intended)! Eagerly awaiting Fred's input before unleashing Mata.

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314. At 2:46pm on 29 Oct 2009, Gillianian wrote:
Mr Wrath (311) Hunt the spider?

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315. At 2:49pm on 29 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Previously on Diggles……

"Meanwhile, the duck of 53(F) Squadron contemplated his "Frankenduck"TM costume for the party...
Or rather he quacked, seeing as he was a duck and all."
"Quack!"…

…..as the CO’s Soppy Camel headed out west slowly, ever so slowly gaining height Olgy and Minger walked back to the Mess arm in arm. “Any idea what’s for lunch Minge?” sighed Olgy. “No idea old bean. Mind you pater has sent me a basket of Oranges” he replied at the same time eyeing the strangely cotumed duck and wondering if it was a bit on the tough side.

The duck of 53(F) Squadron a caught the hungry glint in Mingers one good eye and said “Nooooo….” Or rather he quacked, seeing as he was a duck ‘n all.
"Quack!"…....

…..to be continued, after luncheon!

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316. At 2:53pm on 29 Oct 2009, Anne P. wrote:
Many Happy Hippos, FFred!

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317. At 3:07pm on 29 Oct 2009, Gillianian wrote:
Mr Wrath(311) Guess what's in the box.
Cover a box with hallowe'en decoratons, or just black paper and foil. Tape down all openings, then cut a slit or hole just big enough to put a hand inside. Put small objects inside - the children have to guess what they are just by feeling them. Try cubes of jelly, hairy spider, rubber glove......

Spider's web.
Childern stand in a circle. First child holds tightly onto the loose end of a ball of black wool, and throws the ball to a child opposite. That child holds the wool, and throws it again....The wool criss-crosses across the ring and makes a web.

Food - frogspawn - green grapes in green jelly
Cazy mashed potato, coloured with food colouring

This could keep me going all afternoon!

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318. At 3:16pm on 29 Oct 2009, Gillianian wrote:
Witch's fingers sandwiches. Slices of white bread (spread with soft cheese? butter?) crusts removed, rolled up, cut to appropriate length.
Use a knife to score lines across for knuckles. Push a sultana or similar into one end for a fingernail, and (if not too gory) put a splodge of tomato sauce on other end.

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319. At 3:17pm on 29 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
Mr. Wrath: How about Statues? In my experience young children love it as they get to do silly things and giggle a lot ...

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320. At 3:24pm on 29 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Mr W (311)

last night, with the grandsons and SO, we played hide-n-seek in the dark. Usual game 'cept in the total dark and the hunters had torches. Scared them silly it did!

Gillianianian...re my version

Spider's web.
Exhausted adults stand in a circle. Naughtiest child is tied onto the loose end of a ball of black wool, and is then thrown to an adult opposite. That adult holds the wool, and throws the child again....The wool criss-crosses across the ring and makes a web.
The game ends when the child throws up!

;-)

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321. At 3:27pm on 29 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Previously on Diggles……
The duck of 53(F) Squadron a caught the hungry glint in Mingers one good eye and said “Nooooo….” Or rather, he quacked, seeing as he was a duck ‘n all.
"Quack!"…..
Spitting a feather from his mouth Olgy ambled over to the radio room at the same time wondering how on earth the Chef had managed to get a feather in today’s lunch of Goat a la Orange with lightly roasted tomatoes and peppers, boiled leeks, Sprouts, Purple sprouting, corn-on-the-cob, pan fried mushrooms and roasted red onions. Things were tough and they were on short rations, horror of horrors they had already run out of custard so the Duck Surprise Crumble had been served with condensed milk.
“Any news of the Skipper” Olgy enquired of the wireless operator, one Corporal Stewart “Underscored” M known to one and all as Corporal Stewart “Underscored” M.
“Not a dickybird Sir all I am getting is ... .--. . . -.. --- ... - --- .-. -. -- .- -.-- .... .- ...- . - --- ..-. --- .-. -.-. . .-.. .- -. -.. must be some sort of interference Sir" said the Cpl snapping to attention.
“I say corporal, this Sir thing. You’re not related to the Skippers batman are you?” enquired Olgy.
“Sir yes Sir” she’s my Auntie”…..
…..to be continued…

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322. At 3:31pm on 29 Oct 2009, Trevor Mansell wrote:
Mr Wrath @ 311. A game we used to play as kids, which gave rise to many exclamations of "uuurgghhh" and "aaaarrrgghh" was Nelson's Eye. If you don't know it I'll let you have the rules.

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323. At 3:57pm on 29 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
LOL, I guess I got modded for using Morse Code...

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324. At 4:02pm on 29 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
PHIL ARCHER HAS DIED!!!!!!! *sob*

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325. At 4:05pm on 29 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/8331558.stm

A real trooper. RIP Mr. Painting.

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326. At 4:05pm on 29 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Previously on Diggles……

The duck of 53(F) Squadron a caught the hungry glint in Mingers one good eye and said “Nooooo….” Or rather, he quacked, seeing as he was a duck ‘n all.
"Quack!"…..

Spitting a feather from his mouth Olgy ambled over to the radio room at the same time wondering how on earth the Chef had managed to get a feather in today’s lunch of Goat a la Orange with lightly roasted tomatoes and peppers, boiled leeks, Sprouts, Purple sprouting, corn-on-the-cob, pan fried mushrooms and roasted red onions. Things were tough and they were on short rations, horror of horrors they had already run out of custard so the Duck Surprise Crumble had been served with condensed milk.

“Any news of the Skipper” Olgy enquired of the wireless operator, one Corporal Stewart “Underscored” M known to one and all as Corporal Stewart “Underscored” M.

“Not a dickybird Sir all I am getting is there followed a whole lot of morse code! must be some sort of interference Sir said the Cpl snapping to attention.

“I say corporal, this Sir thing. You’re not related to the Skippers batman are you?” enquired Olgy.

“Sir yes Sir” she’s my Auntie”…..
…..to be continued…

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327. At 4:29pm on 29 Oct 2009, Gillianian wrote:
Ffred - oink!xxxx oink!xxxx
Hogs and kisses on your birthday ;o)

Musical pumpkins - like musical bumps or chairs, but using paper pumpkin cut-outs on the floor.

Sad news about Norman Painting - but how wonderful that he did his last recording only two days ago.

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328. At 5:00pm on 29 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Previously on Diggles……
“I say corporal, this Sir thing. You’re not related to the Skippers batman are you?” enquired Olgy.
“Sir yes Sir she’s my Auntie”…..
…..Olgy jogged back to the Mess but one of his high heels got caught in a ferret hole and snapped of. “Damn and blast it” muttered a distraught Olgy “that was my best pair of Marc Jacobs”

Meanwhile Diggles was gazing down as THE BEACH hove into view a thousand feet below. In the shimmering afternoon heat he could make out a pod of dolphins swimming in the bay and a herd of Camels were walking along the shore line. Hammocks of various hues and colours swayed gently their occupants oblivious to him circling overhead, whilst he spied dozens and dozens of towels laid out on unoccupied sun loungers. “Looks like our European partners have been here” he mused. He almost wretched as the aroma of boiling sprouts wafted into his nostrils and he could see some madman liberally adding more to the already brimming pot!
A rather quaint bar could be seen and behind it a strange flight of steps led to a freshly painted veranda!
A large grass hut with a bamboo door and large bed of hibiscus at the rear stood lonely amongst the sand dunes.
Realising that it must be the den of Mata Hari-Kari he reefed the Camel into diving turn pulled back the cocking levers on the twin .303 Vickers and lined his gun sights up on the hut. He was just about to squeeze the trigger when he suddenly thought about ‘Freddie’. Maybe Hari-Kari had her held hostage in the hut!
There was only one thing for it. He will have to face her man to man. Cutting the throttle switching off the magnetos he silently glided down and settled the Camel on the firm damp sand in a perfect three pint landing!
Undoing his straps Diggles climbed stiffly out of his aircraft, the gold macrame Speedos stretched taught. “Steady on old chap” he thought to himself “can’t confront he like this!” but in a moment the stiffness abated and he was able to straighten up. Taking his bearings from the seagull overhead he headed for the bar he saw earlier. If there was one thing that was certain at this time of day he would find her sipping a cocktail and smoking a cheroot!

to be continued…..

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329. At 5:13pm on 29 Oct 2009, RxKaren wrote:
For those of you following the saga of my pharmacist friend and me...

He came in to see me today for a catch up. I'd been having a pretty rubbish morning up until then but sat in reception with him talking about where I knew him from and what he'd done. He was an absolute delight.

He sat and held my hand and told me that I should have ignored the careers advisor's advice, "What do they know anyway? Who are they to say you're not suited to pharmacy?" and chided me for not going into retail as an independent pharmacist and building my own practice. I did tell him that I was given a great deal of autonomy with my current employer and that I do have my "regulars" who want to see me which seemed to please him.

I told him that when I was 7 I thought he was the cleverest man around to which he said, "And you were right! A wise child sadly mislead by a careers officer. Such a shame." I then told him that I now know the secret is to have lots of books hidden out of sight which amused him.

His final words to me were "You have the great privilege of being a pharmacist and looking after your patients with skill and care. Remember, what you do is a privilege."

We are going to keep in touch and he is going to pop in and see me when he's passing. I even got a kiss off him which did get some strange looks off the other patients who were waiting.

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330. At 5:17pm on 29 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Nice one RxKaren!

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331. At 5:20pm on 29 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
Lovely story, Karen!

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332. At 5:43pm on 29 Oct 2009, RxKaren wrote:
I'm not adding "kissing elderly men" to my pharmacy services before anyone asks!

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333. At 6:17pm on 29 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Karen that brought tears to my eyes! How absolutely delightful. Thanks for sharing it.

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334. At 6:42pm on 29 Oct 2009, nikki noodle wrote:
Karen, thats a brilliant, lovely and touching tale, thankyou!!!
n-n

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335. At 6:47pm on 29 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Previously on Diggles...

....Taking his bearings from the seagull overhead he headed for the bar he saw earlier. If there was one thing that was certain at this time of day he would find her sipping a cocktail and smoking a pork pie!

....there she stood her back to him as he walked into the bar "Doh! didn't see that one coming" said Diggles as the solid steel bar over the doorway struck him across the forehead. The bar had been installed by the previouse owner, Lord Mair of Hair, to prevent the Camels from getting in. But as it was set at 5' 6" it was a tad too low for handsome strapping flyers!

Ducking, Diggles tried again only this time he tripped on the patented "Ferret worrying prevention step" recently installed by Madam Fifi to prevent her SO getting his hands on the NC Ferrets.

"FFS" muttered Diggles!

Crawling on hands and knees he entered the bar only to come face to face with bright green painted toenails of......Tum - te - Tum - Tum Mata Hari-Kari!

From his undignified position on the bar floor Diggles, rolled over and glanced up. "Wow, nice Beaver" he uttered as the whole world went black!

To be continued.....

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336. At 6:49pm on 29 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Come on guys! I need a hand here, the balloon goes up at six am, and we don't want Diggles left in suspenders?

Or do we?

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337. At 7:07pm on 29 Oct 2009, Sid wrote:
Chris the Pickle - "Afternoon fronds"? With fronds like these, who needs anemones?

A Fearless Birthday to the Fearless One.

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338. At 7:09pm on 29 Oct 2009, Gillianian wrote:
RxKaren, thanks for sharing your lovely story. I do think you should reconsider your decision about kissing elderly men though - it would be the best treatment for a number of them, I'm sure ;o)

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339. At 7:16pm on 29 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Gillianianian, I totally agree, count me in!

Although not classed as elderly, (yet), I would spend a lot more time at the chemists if the pharmacist was offering a free snog!

Mind you my blood pressure and the SO might forbid it.

Doh :-p

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340. At 7:20pm on 29 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
LOL Sprouty! Give a girl a chance! I've been waiting for Frances but, as things are hotting up... watch this space.

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341. At 7:22pm on 29 Oct 2009, Cossackgirl wrote:
These days I don't post too often, but I do keep an eye on other bloggers' contributions and add an occasional comment if it seems in order. I can see that many people have an exchange going on the book of faces and know each other quite well in RL as well, so unless I bite the bullet and join that book, I would feel too peripheral.
So, may I say HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FEARLESS FRED. Your supportive comments were always appreciated! A bottle of vodka in the Beach freezer!
260 Lady Sue.
I was a little girl who might have bumped into your late husband in central Moscow (I suspect the adults with me would have known him for a foreigner whatever his clothes). It was for that reason that I dashed to trace his book and I may well add it to my collection after the Christmas expenses are done with.
271. Lord_Nathan
You are the prime example as to why I should be on the book of faces: I can see that you and your friends know me but at the moment I can't place you. I think you are friendly. Discovering that M&M DVD is available with English subtitles landed me in a bit of soup, as several English friends who love the M&M book were keen to have the DVD. I grandly said, "That's lovely, you can have it as a Christmas present from me this year!" Then I went to the rainforest river site (I sailed up it in real life, too - a grand adventure) and discovered that there is only one source of those DVDs and they want thirty quid a throw. The Cossack honour was satisfied, but I've been eating a lot of Aldi Brie lately - I don't know how they make it taste so very nearly but not quite authentic at that price...
Frances O, Wrath, - greetings!
Somebody: what is name of the group for this Blog on that Book, if it's allowed to mention?

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342. At 7:23pm on 29 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
339 SG
Just ask your doctor for a prescription.

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343. At 7:24pm on 29 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Best hurry up me Lady, I have to take Mr .22 out if I am to keep the pests down!

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344. At 7:27pm on 29 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
343 SG
Please put your .22 away, no-one wants to see it shoot.
;O)

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345. At 7:28pm on 29 Oct 2009, Froggersfroat wrote:
SproutGhost.... Why no evil teutonic influence...? Baron von Writeoffen, Ironing Cross - First Class ...(for extremely well pressed trousers), diving out of The Sun, past the landlord, shortly after last orders clutching Mr. Rimfire designed, high altitude rabbit fur Speedos...etc. etc....

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346. At 7:29pm on 29 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
or even ...
Please put Mr .22 away, no-one wants to see him shoot.

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347. At 7:29pm on 29 Oct 2009, Cossackgirl wrote:
(341) Somebody: what is THE name etc etc...

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348. At 7:38pm on 29 Oct 2009, nikki noodle wrote:
@347 @341 Cossackgirl
PM Facebeach

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349. At 7:43pm on 29 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
FF, slightly late Hippo Bathday greetings, and hope you're having a most enjoyable one.

It's been a loooong and tiring afternoon and early evening with heavy traffic thrown in for extra fun.

I'm afraid the other Fred won't be appearing until I've had a rest, something to eat and some brain-cell restoring time...

...this hammock looks just the place.

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350. At 7:45pm on 29 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
lucien_desgai, re Mr .22, I have a contract to fullfil and a freezer that is empty of bunnies!

Froggersfroat,Re..Why no evil teutonic influence...? Baron von Writeoffen!

Wait for the next episode, if there is one,and the dreaded Baron Von McTickle and his sheds of WMD!

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351. At 7:48pm on 29 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Previously on (the Mata Hari-Kari bit of) 'Diggles. Death on the Dunes'...

...Mata Hari-Kari applied her bright red lipstick carefully before locking the bamboo door on her grass hut and strolling to the bar. She sat at the end of the counter with her back to the wall so she could watch who came and went. She waited, patient, silent and still. Just like a spider...

Mata Hari-Kari sipped her dry martini, never getting her lips wet, her sloe-black eyes had that sultry, languid look that belied her observation of every movement and all the comings and goings in the bar.

Above the slow, sensual melody of the piano, she heard the sound of a throttle being switched off, a silent gliding and recognised a perfect three pint Sopwith Camel landing in the damp sand.

“So, he’s finally come,” her lips curled in a smile, all thoughts of Fred banished in a moment while she waited, just like a spider, for Diggles to make his way to her.

Moments later, the bamboo door to the bar flew open and the silhouette of a man in full flying gear filled the doorway. Despite her training, she felt a tightening in her throat, a clenching of her perfectly toned stomach and a sense of expectation.

Diggles. There he was. At last. Her bosom heaved involuntarily. To distract herself and focus on the job in hand, she took another sip of her dry martini and affected disinterest.

Then it hit her. What was he wearing? A red satin shirt, silver moleskin Mae West, a flourescent pink flying helmet and were they dark blue silk stockings?

Was he completely colour-blind?

Without her even having to raise a perfectly manicured finger he bumped his head and was suddenly on the floor, crawling towards a bleach-blonde woman on her left who had, horror of horrors, bright green painted toenails. Had the whole world gone mad?

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352. At 7:49pm on 29 Oct 2009, annasee wrote:
Wonderful stories Sprouty. I don't know how you think of them. Happy Birthday Fred. Hope you've had a lovely day. Welcome back Cossack Girl. Good to see you here again.
If I were you I'd just give in & join fb. It took me months of fighting it before I gave in, but really, resistance is futile. It's good for catching up with photos of friends' children, amongst other things!

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353. At 7:49pm on 29 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
348 nikkinoo
I just gave in and finally opened a facebook account just to access the PM group, but ... PM Facebeach doesn't come up in the search. Are there any other words / squiggly bits to include in the search?

ps. Happy Birthday Fred!

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354. At 8:00pm on 29 Oct 2009, Anne P. wrote:
lucien and cossackgirl, I think the PM Facebeach is generally invisible to prevent gatecrashers. I will consult with Fifi who may be able to supply you with a key without any of us having to give away too much personal info in this fairly public place. Don't go away!

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355. At 8:05pm on 29 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
354 AnneP
I'm in the hotel!

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356. At 8:05pm on 29 Oct 2009, Anne P. wrote:
Message in a bottle left for Fifi on another beach.

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357. At 8:08pm on 29 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
Oi! Sprouty! I held back from Fred y'day cos you pleaded grandchildren and other Real Life and now you've posted about 14 Diggleses. How's a chapess supposed to keep up?

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358. At 8:08pm on 29 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Hi and welcome back to Cossack Girl!!

Excuse me but I am needed elsewhere!

Tum-t-Tum-TumLook that is really annoying, now pack it in!

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359. At 8:08pm on 29 Oct 2009, lucien desgai wrote:
356 AP
Cheers!

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360. At 8:22pm on 29 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Previously on Diggles....

Without her even having to raise a perfectly manicured finger he bumped his head and was suddenly on the floor, crawling towards a bleach-blonde woman on her left who had, horror of horrors, bright green painted toenails. Had the whole world gone mad?.....

..Diggles made his away, slowly, very very slowly, the bulge in his Speedos scrapped across the floor. Too stunned to even get to his knees he croaked "Mata Hari-Kar, it is you! Are you my mothers aunt's cousins sister twice removed? And do you know where my father is? Do your worst, treat me like your simnple plaything. But I have to know...my father....."

And at that, Diggles DFC, CDM & BBC slumped unconcious..

To be continued...

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361. At 9:11pm on 29 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
“Diggles” Mata Hari-Kari said scornfully, “you total nincompoop. You, as greater men before you, simply crumple before me. It’s so disappointing. I had thought you were made of sterner stuff, or at the very least, your khaki corset – made by the one-eyed, turban wearing, lingerie hawker who always worked with a parrot on his shoulder and plied his trade in a back room of ‘The Golden Duck’ - would hold you into position. Don’t be absurd! Of course I’m not your mothers aunt's cousins sister twice removed. That would make me much older than my 27 years. However, now that you mention it, I do recall my mother telling my Japanese grandfather, Toto Hari Kari, that there was a skeleton in the closet regarding my twin cousins more than twice removed (not nearly often enough) and and their strangely hermaphodite sister, Fiona.”

Mata Hari-Kari was tiring of this idle chit-chat. She had a mission to accomplish and time was running out. She had to make an excuse,

“Oh dear, I seem to have broken a nail”

in order to get back to her grass hut on the dunes and recover the secret weapon no-one would dare talk about by name from the back of the wardrobe, where no-one would dream of looking.

Wardrobes, closets – she knew there was a war one but what was the world coming to?

She stood up from the bar and resisted the temptation to flick Diggles with the tip of her stiletto.

“Ha” she said, scornfully, “Diggles. Diggles... my my... well, if you want me, you just have to whistle. You know how to whistle, don’t you? Just put your lips together and ... blow...”

With that she shashayed out of the bar and, while she didn’t do “hurry” nor more than she did “beige” she knew she had only two hours and 51 minutes to get back to the hut, retrieve the secret weapon no-one would dare talk about by name from the back of the wardrobe, where no-one would dream of looking and put it into position for ‘the big one’.

Yes, it was time. Only she knew the Nick Clarke Bar was merely a cover for a nest of Gerrys and an awful lot of beach towels. By midnight she would have blown the place to smithereens.

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362. At 9:31pm on 29 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Underneath the moonlight, Mata Hari-Kari was nearly forced to do “hurry”. It didn’t suit her mood and it didn’t suit her suit. She silently cursed Fred for not being where he should have been when she wanted him to be there. She silently cursed Diggles for being an ass and colourblind to boot. She silently cursed Olgy and Minger for blindly following Diggles to the point of bumping into him when he suddenly stopped and, while she was about it, she silently cursed the camels and geralds and Pimms and sheds and cross aunts and follies. Having silently cursed everything she could think of she concentrated on the job at hand.

She had retrieved the secret weapon no-one would dare talk about by name from the back of the wardrobe, where no-one would dream of looking and positioned it on the beach, by the bridge on the river Qwai. She had to get the cables from one end of the beach to the other, into a position where she could activate the knob-thing you had to press without anyone noticing her.

Ridiculous. Everyone always noticed her. No matter. This was her mission and she’d chosen to accept it. The job was everything and something had to blow.

Two hours and thirty minutes left.

Tick, tick, tick...

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363. At 9:52pm on 29 Oct 2009, Fearless Fred wrote:
Cheers, one and all, and thanks for all the Burpday wishes :-)! I've opened the crate of Black Stump, so those that want to charge their glasses, do feel free...

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364. At 10:05pm on 29 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
"By jingo!" muttered Fred. "That was close."

It was only luck that she'd been so near the new-looking veranda when a suspiciously curvy-looking figure had sashayed across the beach only yards from her, carrying what looked like her secret weapon no-one would dare talk about by name.

Drat, blast and blithering heck! So jolly old Mata had it, after all.

What a day it had been. Bouncing around in the CO's jeep, through the dunes, around the anti-camel fortifications, retracing her footsteps - or, to be strictly accurate (and Fred was always strictly accurate, epecially with her shooter, her 34B slingshot female undergarment and her knee) her tyre tracks, looking for that bally box of tricks which had fallen off the British-made four-wheel drive vehicle, Top Secret MoU* personnel for the ferrying about of.

When she finally found it, slightly the worse for camel dung ("Have to wash my scarf AGAIN") she was horrified to find that, of all things, the secret weapon no-one would dare talk about by name was missing.

Disaster! That thing was dynamite in the wrong hands. Or, to be strictly accurate (and Fred was always strictly accurate, especially with weapons and her knee) far worse than dynamite.

Far, far worse in the hands of someone untrained. And since Binky had heard of the 'Beta' or, as the MoU called it, 'Vista' version falling into Foreign hands, they'd had to work like billy-oh to bring out a 2.0 version of the the secret weapon no-one would dare talk about by name.

Only she and Binky had had a chance to try it out, and now that silly bit of (over-made-up, over-dressed and over here) vampish fluff was going to send them all to kingdom come without even knowing what she was doing!

Who was Mata working for? The Germans? The Japanese? The Russians? Certainly not the Jolly Decent types.

She felt in her kitbag for - oh, blast, there was still a kitten in it and the blighter didn't half scratch -

"Off you go, kitty," she whispered, pointing the fluffy little bundle of razor blades at the nearby Bar.

She felt again in her kitbag for the rest of her kit. The landlocked European country army knife would be the thing, plus maybe the garrot, but the fully-loaded shooter had better be to hand, too.

With the legendary stealth learned by generations of pupils at Miss de Meanour's French Finishing School for Young Ladies as they perfected the arts of midnight feasts in the dorm and (somewhat later) of midnight assignations with their dashingly handsome French beaux, she began to stalk...

Even Mata wouldn't be able to do anything about Fred's stalk.

*Ministry of Uninformation

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365. At 10:28pm on 29 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
"This could be it," thought Fred. "This could be the bally old end for me if I don't succeed. And the end for Diggles, too," and she almost shed a sturdy tear for her half-brother. But no! She was the chapess who was more of a chap than those useless chaps she worked with could ever be. They were putty in the hands of women like Mata. Soon reduced to softies.

Years of cruelty at prep and boarding school, runs round the lacross pitch at 5 ack emma, surviving on gruel and dry bread, with the treat every other Sunday of a rabbit to kill, skin, gut and cook over a fire made by rubbing two boy scouts together had hardened her.

By low cunning she had become Head Prefect of the school torture chamber, and her skills in interrogation, plus the wily womanly ways she'd learned at Miss de Meanour's dump and the fun she'd had teasing the Communist recruiters who'd approached her at Cambridge (St Sadista's, actually) had given her a glittering career at the MoU until she hit the bullet-proof glass ceiling and reinvented herself.

No more Fiona Bristol (for she'd understandably used her mother's maiden name after the business with That Woman and the messy divorce) but Fred Littletool, wrong-side-of-the-blanket by-blow with a bend sinister (and by golly, sometimes very sinister) of the Earl of Littlehampton.

No-one, NO-ONE could ever have got the better of Fred. Though she did sometimes wonder about the prep school bully, Matilda 'Matty' Harry. Whatever had become of her?

Phooee to all that. There was work to be done, lives to save and later, perhaps, swimming with dolphins.

Mata was sashaying and wiggling across the sand, leaving the tell-tale wires of the secret weapon no-one would dare talk about by name trailing behind her. She had a nerve, Fred had to admit.

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366. At 10:38pm on 29 Oct 2009, annasee wrote:
My goodness, keep typing everyone. This is great!

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367. At 10:53pm on 29 Oct 2009, annasee wrote:
Meanwhile, on a Beach elsewhere...

E.M. stretched luxuriously on the golden sand, in the golden sunshine, and regarded his golden , toned torso with satisfaction. Wonderful what a few days' holiday could do, getting rid of that etiolated look caused by years spent under the fluorescent lights of S1. Yep, they'd certainly be impressed when he got back to work. Speaking of which, he supposed he'd better check on the show, make sure the girls in charge hadn't made a mess of things while he was away.
He stretched out a golden toned arm to the nearby clockwork-solar-powered-ipod-wireless thingie beside him, and switched it on. His body clock told him it was just before 5 pm back home. Immediately the dulcet tones of the continuity announcer could be heard, announcing "It's time for PM, with Carolyn Quinn". As the usual litany of depressing news began, his mind began to wander "MP's expenses ...blah... Ministry of Defence...blah...Afghanistan...economy..." until suddenly, Carolyn was interrupted by a firm male voice. "And I'm afraid that's all we have time for now. Here is the weather forecast for the UK"
to be continued...

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368. At 10:53pm on 29 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
Anyone else around?

Meanwhile, in the German sheds, the Jerries were laying their plans.

"Karry out Plan B!" barked Kommandant Schicklegruber to his number two, a little shot called Schott.

"Jahwol, mein Kommandant!" Schott barked back.

"Wass plan ist dat?" he added nervously. Schicklegruber, rumoured to be a distant relation of You Know Who, was unfortunately not the sharpest messer in the drawer and in fact had been called 'Mackie Messer' at school, in an ironic comparison to the fiendishly clever anti-hero of Weil's 'Die Dreigroschenoper'. But he carried out the orders of the Big Shots, so it was important to karry out his orders.

The Kommandant looked round quickly. Then he whispered in Schott's ear. After a quick, stifled giggle - the Kommandant's moustache tickled so - he opened his eyes wider and wider und wieder.

Sheer genuis. Tommy would never beat them They were invincible!

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369. At 11:00pm on 29 Oct 2009, Fifi wrote:
For those who wish to find the breadcrumb trail to the book of faces hideaway for bewildered froggers, look for someone with the same name as the punchline to that very funny email about the time our Prime Minister wanted a railway locomotive named after him.

There's no 'F' in....

;o)

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370. At 11:03pm on 29 Oct 2009, Stewart_M wrote:
Just enjoying all your excellent prose. Mellowing with a glass of port. Pumpkin Soup just been made also. supper anyone?

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371. At 11:04pm on 29 Oct 2009, annasee wrote:
He sat up in a fury. What was going on? Two minutes into the show, and the weather forecast was starting! And continuing. Going on & on, in fact. The chap seemed to be covering every inch of the UK!
He reached for his phone, dialled the office, and barked "Get me JC! I want this nonsense stopped at once!"
Almost immediately the normally icily professional voice of the boss came on the line. She sounded upset. "Oh, please, I'm trying to stop it, but the weather people say the audience want them & not us, they've taken over the show and we only get 3 minutes for the news, and today they tried to get the keys to the drinks cabinet off me! It's horrible! They've taken down all our photos and put up weather charts too all over the office. You've got to do something!"
EM growled in rage. Not the drinks cabinet keys! No! Never!
He heaved a heavy sigh down the phone. "I see you can't manage without me. I'll be back on the next flight. Don't let them touch anything meantime"
"Just typical", he thought. Every holiday he ever went on was ruined by the weather, one way or another...

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372. At 11:04pm on 29 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
An academic writes:

'Messer' is the German for 'knife' and was the name of a character in the well-known Brecht/Weil 'Die Dreigroschenoper', translated into English as 'The Threepenny Opera', itself a modernisation of John Rich's 'Beggar's Opera' which featured the misdeeds of highwayman Macheath.

Hitler's father was originally Alois Schicklgruber, but he changed it in 1877 to 'Hitler'.

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373. At 11:05pm on 29 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Mata carefully lined up the string things attached to the knobby thing you had to press to activate the god-almighty-explosion that was going to be the end of the Nick Clarke bar and the immediate vicinity of the beach, towels and all, and sat back behind the dune. More than sitting back, she decided to recline, reclination being more to her inclination than merely sitting back.

Suddenly something caught her eye. Movement on yonder dune. No time to ponder on yonder dune, she’d have to surreptitiously sashay over. No time for sashaying, as time was running out. Like sand in an hour glass, only faster. She decided to attempt ‘hurry’, only ‘hurry’ had no curry with Mata. Suffice to say, she quickened her step.

“Fred? Fred, is that you?”

Mata Hari-Kari had to be sure. Sure there weren’t any other females, or males, or camels for that matter but it didn’t do any harm to be completely sure.

“Fred? Fred – there’s something I simply must tell you.”

She knew the likelihood of Fred believing what she had to say was unlikely, at the very least but she simply had to try.

Time was running out. With a mere one hour left, there was no time to waste.

The future of the entire campaign was on her shoulder-pads. She knew it was up to her to rid the Allies of the Hun’s bunker underneath the Nick Clarke Bar.

Could she achieve the impossible? Could she round up everyone she knew and loved, the camels, the dolphins, the cross aunts – all those she simply couldn’t remember because time wasn’t on her side and the keyboard kept moving? She desperately needed to round them all up, pack them away, in order to blow up – yes BLOW up – everyone’s beloved beach.

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374. At 11:12pm on 29 Oct 2009, annasee wrote:
I say, Sue, do be careful, won't you? Watch where you're going with that dynamite!

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375. At 11:14pm on 29 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Oh Nooooooo! Frances and Annasee! That all had me LOL! I didn't see them until after I'd posted mine and they did make me laugh. This is getting more and more silly. Perfick.

Suspect there is now a race on till midnight. Otherwise the beach definitely 'gets it'.

Mata

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376. At 11:15pm on 29 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
Fred started. Drat and blast! Caught out! Impossible. She was some girl, that Mata. Grasping the shooter and the landlocked European country army knife tightly yet surreptitiously, she barked: "Yes? And no fast moves. I heard you are a bit of a fast mover, Miss Hari-Kari."

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377. At 11:23pm on 29 Oct 2009, ValeryP wrote:
Sterling work chaps - you've jolly well made my week! And brought a whole bally load of old pals back out of the woodwork into the bargain ;o)

Gillianian - love the Hallowe'en Games, do hope he gives them a go. I feel tempted to organise a party.

Ffred - if there's any Stump left I could just manage a small snifter - oh well, ok a large one since it's virtual! How's the relaxing birthday going?

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378. At 11:26pm on 29 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
An academic grumbles:

There are several spelling mistakes in the above account of activities behind the German lines. This is what comes of typing in a hurry. Surely correct spelling is much more important than saving some fake beach somewhere in the etherwebnet. Pass me my quill pen, I must write to the DG, if he's up to facing any more trouble at the moment.

'Damming', indeed.

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379. At 11:30pm on 29 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Fred! Thrilling that you are here! Wait, don't attempt to slit my pale, slender, Chanel No. 5-scented throat with your landlocked European country army knife. We have to save everything and everyone we love. The secret weapon no-one would dare talk about by name is set to go off in, oh, gosh! 34 minutes. There's no time to waste.

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380. At 11:30pm on 29 Oct 2009, ValeryP wrote:
A proofreader adds:

Available all hours of the day and night, prices reasonable, feel free.

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381. At 11:33pm on 29 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
"Everything you love? Everyone you love?" scoffed Fred. "You've never loved anyone but yourself. Oh, and Bob, but we don't talk about that little episode.

"You broke the heart of a jolly decent chap, old Diggles. How could I possible trust you?"

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382. At 11:34pm on 29 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
There was nothing for it. Mata Hari-Kari sighed as she applied her red lipstick and tossed her raven black hair over one shoulder.

“All good things come to an end” she said, thinking of Diggles. The Beach was cactus. Cactus Ractus. Finished. Exposed for all it had been. A den of Gerry infiltrators and a plethora of unfashionable beach towels.

@@@%%%@@@###&&&@@@KA-BOOOOOM@@@%%%@@@###&&&@@@ @@@%%%@@@###&&&@@@KA-BOOOOOM@@@%%%@@@###&&&@@@ @@@%%%@@@###&&&@@@KA-BOOOOOM@@@%%%@@@###&&&@@@ @@@%%%@@@###&&&@@@KA-BOOOOOM@@@%%%@@@###&&&@@@

****************not with a bang but a wimper********

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383. At 11:41pm on 29 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
Unnoticed by our protagonists, a sudden swell had blown up offshore and the dolphins were looking nervously into their waterproof editions of 'The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy' under 'Goodbye'.

Deep beneath the waters, Neptune had summoned his council to an urgent meeting.

"Jerry has taken over Nick's Bar and it looks as if there's a misunderstanding between Fred and Mata," he boomed. "The Beach, the camels, the veranda, the Naughty Step and the petunias may be for it.

Who's the water god offshore over there?"

A tall, handsome merman swam up. "My brother is Lord of the Tide and of the Eddy. Lord Mer."

Neptune smiled.

"Ah, I think that perhaps if all seems lost a little of his special powers may be called for," he murmered. "All is not lost for the Beach."

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384. At 11:44pm on 29 Oct 2009, ValeryP wrote:
"Ahaa-ha-ha Mata Hari-Kari-San, I think not!" With one bound and a flick of her patent bomb-catching net, the tiny japanese tracker who'd been tracking her relentlessly since her last attempt to spoil everyone's fun (we shan't go into details here, that may need to be divulged at a later date) cast well and caught the exploding device in mid explode.
"Take That!"

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385. At 11:46pm on 29 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
A mighty wave erupted and curled its destructive, yet protective walls over the Beach as the Kaboom kaboomed.

"I told you no-one was supposed to mention its name!" gritted Fred.

"Now you've done it, Mata. You've - you've blown us all into next week!"

THE END, for now...

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386. At 11:54pm on 29 Oct 2009, Frances O wrote:
"Take That?" mused Neptune idly, watching the water wall suspended like a glass box over the Beach as Lord Mer worked his magic. "Never the same without Robbie."

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387. At 03:44am on 30 Oct 2009, Lord Nathan wrote:
Lord Mer,

Love it!

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388. At 05:33am on 30 Oct 2009, annasee wrote:
Full name "Lord Aide-de-Mer" What could be more appropriate?

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389. At 06:39am on 30 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
How had she wound up on the floor? Why was the bar still standing? It was soaking wet but it was still there.

Mata Hari-Kari put her perfectly manicured hand to her head and felt the slight bump. Had she tripped? She'd certainly been momentarily knocked unconscious. She was sure the secret weapon no-one would dare talk about by name had gone off and yet everything was still there and, added to which, a tiny kitten was sitting on her lap, mewing.

Something must have happened to dampen the explosion and muffle the impact.

"Blast", she muttered softly, "there's bound to be a damming report and I'll have to spend days in HQ going over and over every move with a bunch of staid old uniformed men with handle-bar moustaches and endless cups of tea."

Mata Hari Kari elegantly got to her feet, swayed slightly until she got her balance and surveyed her surroundings. Fred was motionless, still unconscious in a purple hammock. She poked him a bit with her perfectly manicured finger and saw he was still alive at least. A bit wet but he'd be alright when he dried out. She put the kitten next to him in the hammock and it snuggled up as Fred let out a light snore.

She wondered what had happened to Diggles. He was a chap who always came through in the end and yet... where was he?

She heard the crashing waves and looked out to the ocean. In the distance she could see her beloved dolphins leaping and dancing amongst the waves - and there was something else. Mata Hari-Kari shook her head, "I must be seeing things. It's that bump on my head. I'm hallucinating."

It looked for all the world like a tall, gob-smackingly gorgeous, tanned, mer-man - but that couldn't be, surely? Sitting on her Japanese grandmother's knee she'd been told tales of a magical place ruled by an all-powerful, all-knowing Lord Aide-de-Mer who had a voice like melting velvet, could charm the birds from the trees and the fish from the sea and his beautiful colleague, a mermaid who's tail shimmered like sequins in the sunlight who was wise and gentle and caring and minded his kingdom whenever he was called away - but it was all fairytale. Wasn't it?

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390. At 07:15am on 30 Oct 2009, Fifi wrote:
* peeps around *

No, the old beach is still the current beach.

* leaves a gently steaming mound of foil-wrapped bacon geralds on bar *

See later guys. Keep up the good work - if you can. I hope someone is saving all these wonderful extracts!

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391. At 07:32am on 30 Oct 2009, nikki noodle wrote:
I'm gripped, I tell you!!!
Fantastic stuff, sterling effort all round!

n-n

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392. At 08:28am on 30 Oct 2009, Anne P. wrote:
Just wonderful! Well done chaps!

As we still have the bar I have plugged in the solar powered coffee maker, made a fresh pot of tea, and settled myself on one of the remaining sun loungers to await events.

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393. At 09:34am on 30 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
Annasee, I just love your serial - and am waiting with bated breath for the next instalment.

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394. At 09:37am on 30 Oct 2009, U14138029 wrote:
Blimey!

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395. At 10:14am on 30 Oct 2009, andycroak wrote:
Crikey Bob!

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396. At 10:16am on 30 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
Amazing!

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397. At 10:16am on 30 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
What-ho, Andy!

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398. At 10:32am on 30 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Morning Peeps, quick visit!

broadband at home gone from being very slow .1Mbps to just plain gone!

Grrrrrrrr

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399. At 10:33am on 30 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Previously on Diggles…..

…..It looked for all the world like a tall, gob-smackingly gorgeous, tanned, mer-man - but that couldn't be surely? Sitting on her Japanese grandmother's knee she'd been told tales of a magical place ruled by an all-powerful, all-knowing Lord Aide-de-Mer who had a voice like melting velvet, could charm the birds from the trees and the fish from the sea and his beautiful colleague, a mermaid who's tail shimmered like sequins in the sunlight who was wise and gentle and caring and minded his kingdom whenever he was called away - but it was all fairytale. Wasn't it?

…..Diggles woke with a start. He had only a very hazy memory of the previous evening and now he had an enormous headache and strange sort of musky beaver taste in his mouth.

Glancing round he was relieved to see that he was alone but there was the unusual scents of burnt high explosive and hibiscus in there. Wobbling to his feet, he steadied himself against the bar and took stock of the situation. His flying togs were in tatters and badly stained but other that that he seemed in pretty good shape. The smell of freshly made coffee caught his attention and he walked to the end of the bar where there was a hostess trolley, he helped himself to a large mug of coffee and upon investigation he discovered a large tray of bacon geralds. Giving thanks to the unseen benefactor he enjoyed a leisurely breakfast as contemplated his next move…

..to be continued….

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400. At 10:38am on 30 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
Four hundred!

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401. At 10:53am on 30 Oct 2009, U14138029 wrote:
. . and one

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402. At 11:03am on 30 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
... and two

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403. At 11:03am on 30 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
Tea, anyone?

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404. At 11:04am on 30 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
What would you say to a cup father?

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405. At 11:05am on 30 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
You'll have some tea... are you sure you don't want any? Aw go on, you'll have some. Go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on GO ON!

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406. At 11:06am on 30 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
There's always time for a nice cup of tea. Sure, didn't the Lord himself pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world.

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407. At 11:06am on 30 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
Well, whatever the equivalent they had for tea in those days, cake or something. And speaking of cake, I have cake!

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408. At 11:07am on 30 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
Are you sure, Father? There's cocaine in it! - Oh, no, not cocaine. What am I on about. No, what d'you call them. Raisins.

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409. At 11:10am on 30 Oct 2009, Big Sister wrote:
Will somebody please take over the baton? I need to get out into the garden ...

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410. At 11:53am on 30 Oct 2009, Lady Sue wrote:
Mata Hari-Kari showered and donned her Oriental kimino. She didn’t have time to dress. Time was of the essence. Speaking of which, she picked up her Chanel No. 5 and sprayed it in a mist around herself, brushed her long raven hair, applied her lipstick, pulled a sultry face in the mirror and, as there was no time to waste, looked around the grass hut for her Gladstone bag, upended it and started twiddling the dials.

*@%%@>>>>@@%%%%>>>>>%@@@###@@@~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

.... “shall say this only once... “ ...

@%%@>>>>@@%%%%~~~~~~~

.... “repeat, DO NOT blow up Nick Clarke’s bar”....

%@>>>>@@%%%%

... “ abandon mission “ ...

~~~~~~~~~@@%%%%>>>>>%~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

.... “Germans are in sheds in Hertfordshire, repeat Herfordshire” ....

@@%%%%>>>>>%~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ @@%%%%>>>>>%

.... “contact Diggles. Urgent. Repeat Urgent”...

“Drat and blast and double drat” she cursed, nearly silently. She’d have to find him quickly but she had to tidy herself up a bit first. A woman, especially a woman with her reputation, had always to look her best.

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411. At 11:57am on 30 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
Previously on Diggles…..

… Giving thanks to the unseen benefactor he enjoyed a leisurely breakfast as contemplated his next move…

Diggles made his way out into the bright sunshine and the clean fresh air with a hint of salt spray helped further clear his head, he was feeling almost human again! Glancing to his left he caught sight of the row of hammocks he saw yesterday as he flew over THE BEACH , the purple one seemed occupied. He tugged his Webley Mk VI .455 service revolver from its crocodile skin holster, released the safety catch and made his way to the purple hammock and the sleeping figure.

Peering in he was astounded to see Freddie fast asleep with a small kitten curled up against her!

Putting safety back on he holstered his Webley Mk VI .455 service revolver back in its crocodile skin holster he very gently shook Freddie.

Her long lashes quivered and she slowly opened her eyes and sat bolt upright as she caught sight of Diggles.

“My God!” she cried as she flung her arms round his neck “Diggles! What on earth, how did you, why are you?” she tried to say all at once.

Hugging her closely he whispered “Thank the Lord you are safe. For a while, you had us worried. We thought Mata had done away with you! Nice pussy by the way as he caught sight of the kitten that was now sitting up and washing its paw.”

“Quickly, we must get away from here before that blasted Hari-Kari woman arrives looking for you”

Gathering up the tiny kitten Freddie followed Diggles as he set off at a quick jog towards where he had hidden the Soppy Camel.

…to be continued….

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412. At 12:07pm on 30 Oct 2009, SproutGhost wrote:
LOL. synch of out are we
:-)

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413. At 12:11pm on 30 Oct 2009, ExpectingtheEnd wrote:
(From our Flaws in Plots correspondent:
Why did Mr Memory remember all the details of the spy ring itself, then?.
OK, carry on ejaculating Algy and co, this is a message from a long time in the future.
And anyway this Beach is about to be swept away)

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414. At 12:22pm on 30 Oct 2009, Anne P. wrote:
ETE - indeed it has been.

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415. At 12:24pm on 30 Oct 2009, Anne P. wrote:
Will Giggles and crew survive the tsunami, will Mata Hara Kiri's composure be disturbed, will Fred and the kitten get wet again?

Tune in for the next exciting installment on the new beach (perhaps).

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416. At 12:41pm on 30 Oct 2009, annasee wrote:
Meanwhile back in the office...

The phone rang on JC's desk. She picked it up and intoned woodenly "Weather and News Headline Department, Your BBC"as she had been instructed.
"It's me, you idiot. Don't bother with all that rubbish" came the velvet-toned voice at the other end. "Now listen hard. There's been a hitch. I can't get back yet, because apparently I haven't got enough air miles. I'm at the 'La Plage Airside Shopping and Coffee Retail Emporium" and I've got to get through 36 quad-lattes to get enough points to get on the plane back"
JC sighed. How she longed for the days before the budget cuts, when they just used to get a ticket provided to go anywhere to chase a story. It was so difficult now - reporters were saving tea coupons, loyalty points,anything they could to raise the air miles for flights. "Well how long will that take you?" she asked, fearing the worst.
" Well you know me. About half a day. But meantime, I want you to get hold of a prosthetic forearm. And I assume CQ still has her cashmere cardigan supply?"
"Oh yes, they're neatly folded in the top drawer of your desk. The one you used to keep the champ-"
"Never mind that" he cut in hurriedly. "Just call me back when you've got the arm. And hurry!"

to be continued (unless the lawyers get here first...)

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417. At 12:29pm on 18 Nov 2009, mittfh wrote:
We've already got three Beaches receiving comments...

...I thought I'd join in the fun by adding another :P

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