The Beach.
The Beach, The place to visit for a little rest and relaxation when real life gets too real. Off topic friendly chat.
Jump to more content from this blog
About this blog
The blog for the afternoon news and current affairs programme presented by Eddie Mair.
Subscribe to PM
You can stay up to date with PM via these feeds.
PM Feed(RSS)
PM Feed(ATOM)
If you aren't sure what RSS is you'll find our beginner's guide to RSS useful.
Listen to PM
© MMIX~RS~q~RS~~RS~z~RS~40~RS~)
Comments
Sign in or register to comment.
Eddie:
I hope that the weather in the United Kingdom improves greatly...
~Dennis Junior~
Complain about this comment
IRL the snow has recently restarted (roads generally still clear). So what a perfect occasion to dig out the sunglasses and retreat to the beach!
You'll find me behind dune 3, soaking up the sun :)
Oh yes, goodies. The usual selection of booze, plus a few smoothies for those wishing to remain sober. But for now, I'll get the urn on for tea / coffee, and fire up the grill. Now, who wants crumpets, who wants toast, and who wants cereal? Chocolate croissants are also available, but if you grill them, watch them like a hawk - we don't want them catching fire! :)
(At work yesterday, someone accidentally decided to microwave one for 20 mins instead of 2 - then forget about it in conversation! Cue building evacuation and fire brigade turning up to clear out the smoke...)
Complain about this comment
~Dennis Junior~
Your posts are always nice and short!!!
mittfh
thanks for the breakfast urn, I steaming mug of tea out on the beach sounds lovely!
And, when she arrives, 'hi' to Gladys.
Complain about this comment
Hi nikki. :0)
Complain about this comment
Morning all!
Toasted Bagels, butter/alternative apreads and my Mum's marmalade available on the bar!
Complain about this comment
One man went to mow
Went to mow a meadow
One man
and his dog, Spot
Bottle of pop,
Walls ice cream,
Change at the Bank for Golders Green,
Old mother Riley had a cow,
Went to mow a meadow
Two men went to mow,
Went to mow a meadow,
Two men,
One man
and his dog, Spot
Bottle of pop,
Walls ice cream,
Change at the Bank for Golders Green,
Old mother Riley had a cow,
Went to mow a meadow...
Complain about this comment
Ooooh, can I have crumpets please? And a cup of tea would be lovely. No more snow in RL here, just the stuff from the beginning of the week steadily turning to slush. I'd rather tramp around in the sand any time (not that I'm a tramp, you understand).
Complain about this comment
Eddie - Mr Effingham has only gone and dropped a jar of pickled beetroot all over the kitchen floor. If they can send a man to the moon, why can't they send all of them...?
Complain about this comment
Who's up for building snow sand-men? (And ladies of course?)
Complain about this comment
(Ah... the STRIKE command to put a line through a word - eg snow - sneakily works in preview mode, but not actually on the blog itself.)
I give up. I could go some nice filled baps this morning...
Complain about this comment
Morning all, thanks for the Friday breakfast goodies!
I am hoping for a quite Helldesk today.
Complain about this comment
Reposting from yesterday's beach in case it's of use:
annasee, sorry didn't see your query last night, so may be too late to be of use. Derby area not too bad this morning all major routes clear. Warmth in the city itself keeps temperatures higher than even short distances out side. Ilkeston still has lots of schools closed and of course roads in the Peaks such as Snake Pass and Buxton to Leek closed or very bad.
There is still lying snow and slush on pavements. Problems with grit supply may mean minor roads being left ungritted and the forecast is for very hard frost tonight and tomorrow night. Good luck!
Complain about this comment
MMR
SO frustrating that whenever this topic is discussed it is always the parents that are considered irresponsible. If the govt are so concerned about the risk of a major measles outbreak why not relent and consent to a single measles vaccine? I have yet to hear any parent express concern about the single vaccine and suspect that take-up would be very quick, creating the "herd immunity" that is required. Is it really so difficult for the powers that be to relent on the subject of a single vaccine for Measles?
Complain about this comment
No13. We don't get measles on the beach. Only mild sunburn and hangovers.
Complain about this comment
Thanks Anne - we'll go armed with blankets,, extra clothes, thermos etc. And that's probably just for the rehearsal room....
Complain about this comment
Time for a full English, two eggs with mine please, fried slice, toast and butter. To hell with the cholesterol levels.
Complain about this comment
Ooh, a nice cup of black coffee and a plate of scrambled eggs on toast if they're going!!
Much better here than the UK winter; glorious sunshine!!!!
Anyone fancy bacon and eggs??
Complain about this comment
Could I have my eggs scrambled please?
Complain about this comment
Check out 'Golam the cat..' at number 8
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/in_pictures/7872022.stm
So cute ! It looks as though he/she is about to say something about the snow...
Complain about this comment
UptheTrossachs -
"Could I have my eggs scrambled please?"
Certainly!
yg egms
There you go!
Complain about this comment
Scrambled egs = YUM!! Plenty for all and some sausages too...
Complain about this comment
eggs^
Complain about this comment
What ho!
Oh good, coffee and scrambled eggs, lovely.
Well, the good news is that I fixed the dishwasher last night, so that's back to normal. For my illusion I will leap onto the roof of our house and cement the chimney pots back in place.
Anybody know a reliable and inexpensive roofer?
;o) []
Complain about this comment
"Anybody know a reliable and inexpensive roofer?"
Ha ha hahaha! - Your'e on good form today, Wonko!
Complain about this comment
Hi wonko, depends where you live. I can recommend the man who has fixed my roof in the past.
Meanwhile it's lunchtime, bowl of Brown Windsor soup and a roll anyone?
Complain about this comment
I Know a man in Bradford. Re-felted my Flat roof at work. Big flat roof, Reasonable price. Not sure if he does Chimbley Pots.
What has DIY filled those Baps with?
Complain about this comment
Stewart M 26, haslet, sliced red onion and a dollop english mustard.
reet tasty but not for the faint hearted!
Complain about this comment
Ugh! Seen the picture on the other thread ?
I'm not usually 'personal" but... :-(
Afternoon tea and fruit cake bieng served....
Anyone there........?
Mollyxx
Complain about this comment
Lafiquinedool (20)
Ha ah!!
Complain about this comment
Molly, over here (waves Speedos wildly in the air), I'm up for a slice of fruit cake and a cup of tea.
Complain about this comment
Home early due to my cold not being better. (Try teaching people about matrices when every third word is *cough*)
Just sat down with a nice cup of tea, and what do I hear outside?
The chimes of an ice-cream van! Has it escaped from the Beach into reality?
Complain about this comment
TSSC re teaching about matresses, can you just run that one by me?
In the mean time pehaps you should rub Vicks on your chest, or does that matt your SS fur?
Complain about this comment
Ding-Dong Ding-Dong Ding-Dong Ding-Dong Ding-Dong Ding-DongDing-Dong Ding-Dong (excuse my chimes)...
.
.
.
.get your cut price 99's here.
.
.
.
.
Come and try my 69's!
Complain about this comment
My Tune as an Ice cream man was "The happy Wanderer"
Wind up Chime that somehow was amplified out onto a loud SPeaker.
Fall De Dee! Fall De Dah!
Complain about this comment
Phew! I've just swum back to shore after my first venture with the twittering thing. Why is there no map of that place??
DIY - not sure I could manage a whole 99, or even the other variety you offered. Could you find me a bite-sized 29, do you think? Preferably with broad shoulders and a nice way with a back rub....?
Complain about this comment
Sorry Ffi, he is stuck on the A1 southbound near to Dry Doddington with a lorry load of Yorkies.
Complain about this comment
I am helping to compose a new English Dictionary that gives 'male' and 'female' meanings to words:-
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Any part under a car's bonnet (F)
The strap fastener on a woman's bra (M)
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another (F)
Playing cricket without a cup (M)
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner (F)
Leaving a note before taking off on a poker evening with the boys (M)
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
A desire to get married and raise a family (F)
Trying not to talk to other women while out with this one (M)
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
A good movie, concert, play or book (F)
Anything that can be done while drinking beer (M)
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
An embarrassing by-product of indigestion (F)
A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding (M)
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve (F)
Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it (M)
Complain about this comment
DiY - I'll probably get in trouble for this - but those really made me laugh!!
Complain about this comment
Agree sid. I shall have to show these to the Good Lady. Perhaps the missus also.
Complain about this comment
LOL..just make sure well out of striking distance.
In fact just leave them on top of the washing machine and come join me at NC's for a pint of Bishops Finger?
Complain about this comment
Right, there is Bishops Finger, Speckled Hen, Adnams and Wherry.
Help yourselves while I go and put the cat out.
Complain about this comment
Somebody (tries not to look too obviously at DIY) has been fiddling with the snow-lady I built beside my front door.
She has acquired what I can only describe as evidence that a) she's a he, and b) at some point this afternoon Lady Godiva must have sauntered past on her palfrey.
Whilst trying not to splutter too much into my pint, I shall avail myself of a Specky Hen - just you wait, I'll sneeze just after the half-pint mark. Always do!
Complain about this comment
Oakly Doakly..that the cat out. No matter where I hide the matches she always finds them.
Anyhoo..Feefs 'twasn't me! I was busy erecting elsewhere in East Anglia!
DiY :-D
Complain about this comment
I believe you DiY. Ever since you told me my spag bol was delicious, I knew you cannot tell a lie.
So.... WHO MESSED WITH MA SNOWBABE???
I'm going to stand here, wearing 'this', and holding 'these', until 'somebody' owns up ... and by the way, I can reach LOTS of Specky Hen from here, so I can stand here a loooooooooooong time!
Complain about this comment
For the sake of balance - the dictionary made me lol too!
x
Complain about this comment
37. DIW - hahahaha!!!!
may i add one more?!
Balance (n)
Able to comprehend both sides, or more than one point of view.
The ability to walk with three pints from the bar.
n-n
xx
Complain about this comment
Ruddles is on my Kitchen Bench. I think as the Moon is out and the sky's are clear I may have to go and take a night time snow scene picture or two.
Complain about this comment
More dictionary definitions:
I LOVE YOU phr.
F:
1: Phrase or utterance that may lead to i)sexual excitement in M
ii) disappearance of M
2: Phrase or utterance used by F as M goes to sleep
M:
Phrase or utterance used in removal of F's knickers by M
Complain about this comment
Oh, blast, my careful layout has gone haywire.
Double space not recognised.
Meaning recognised, I hope?
PS: jokey cynic's hat on, as in original dictionary post
Complain about this comment
It made me giggle anyway Frances.
Complain about this comment
48 AND 49 -
Neither particular layout nor double space required
STOP
Meaning recognised
OVER
You may take hat off now
ROGER AND OUT
Complain about this comment
NAKED (adj)
F
(Of self): Omigosh I hope he can't see my bottom/tum/any other body part
(Of other F): Ugh, she's too fat / Ugh, she's too thin / She's perfect, I hate her
(Of M): Oh. Oh, well...
M
(Of self)
1. Getaloadofthis!!!!
2. Omigosh I hope she can't see my bottom/tum/any other body part
3. Oh, no, why now?
(Of other M)
1. B*st*rd!
2. Pathetic!
(Of F)
Kkkkkffffphwwwhooooaaarrrrrr! She's naked! Waaaheeeyyy!
NB: I am aware of the heterosexualist bias of this post. I refer the reader to the original by Dr DI Wyman, BA (Beachelor of Arts), PhD (Philosopher of Derrieres), Professor of Speedology, University of the Beach, The Frog, The Universe
Complain about this comment
Do you know, I think that last Speckled Hen was a bit dodgy
u-u
xx
Complain about this comment
Indeed O Frances, heterosexualist, but it all made me lol too - which kind of upsets the balance set by Izzy ... sorry!
A x x
Complain about this comment
Is it not Speedo-ology?
Complain about this comment
Morning all*, -5 in RL according to the heat gauge on the garage wall but a perfick 32 here on the beach as lean against the NC bar. Anyway I have made a pot of tea so I am going to have a quick swim and then will do some toast.
Couple of things though. That old Speckled Hen that lays our breakfast eggs is looking a bit out of sorts, perhaps the N N may like to comment.
Stewart M, indeed it is.
Right on with the Saturday Speedos and I will catch you later.
(*
This is the short version of, Morning Peeps, Froggers, Frogging Peeps, Peeps Frogging and Froggers a leaping.)
Complain about this comment
DiW...Does a qualification in Speedo-ology tend to provoke premature elastication?
Complain about this comment
FF, yes and free Viagra(sp)
Complain about this comment
FROSTY (fros-tea) adj.
When it is cold and there is ice on the car window. (F)
The reception I get when returning at 2 am from the Rugby Club after the match and singing Eskimo Nell at the top of my voice.(M)
Complain about this comment
JERK (dg-urk?) n.
My ex boyfriend / husband. (F)
My Ex's new boyfriend / husband. (M)
Complain about this comment
Morning!!!
A weekend on the beach - how glorious!!!
DIW i think you know by now, that when you are done wearing your elasticated speedos, you can bung them on the floor like every other male....you don't put them on the Old Speckled Hen as an (quote) "egg catcher" for our breakfast fry up!!!
I've done some toast, marlimade and marmight available as usual!!!
n-n
xx
Complain about this comment
N N, breakfast at 11:02, yer 'avin a larf!
Complain about this comment
N N, re like every other male... I am not like any other male!
As Fifi, Gillianianianian and mttfhfhfhhhtfh, will tetsy fly, I am a 'one off'!
Complain about this comment
I am 'doing' a curry for tea / supper. Who prefers wot?
Lamb, Chicken (Speckled Hen) or Veg, that is the question! Wotz it two B?
Complain about this comment
Re I am not like any other male! my wife says I am bilateral. Me, I just share it!
Complain about this comment
DiWyman, I think it's widely known that you're a fast, free, standalone web browser ;o)
Sorry to hear about your broken mould - who did it???!
Complain about this comment
Gillianianianianian..etc.. I try to do my best in these troubled times. Everyone deserves a ray of DiY Sunshine..!!
BTW...Wot you on abaht? Wot mold, my Camonbear is maturing reet well!
Complain about this comment
SHED (Shhh-ed) verb.
Get rid of loose skin. (See exfoliate) (F)
Heaven, deep joy, home from home without the nagging (M)
Complain about this comment
VALENTINE:
I wonder if he's going to get me flowers ... (F)
Blimey, is it March already? (M)
Complain about this comment
FART (pfh-art) n.
My ex. (F)
My Ex's new 'friend'. (M)
Complain about this comment
I rather fear that by tomorrow there won't be enough of my snowladyboy left to be worth leaving the hat and sunglasses on.
But I raise MY hat to whoever converted Madame Neige's gender so spectacularly without being seen!
I've imported a skipful of the remaining snow to the Beach, and constructed the usual Fifi-style snowperson with sunglasses and hat (straw in this instance).
Please feel free to personalise it with your choice of additions/amendments/props!
I have fashioned a snow mobile phone which it is clutching to its ear....
Who's next?
Complain about this comment
The traditional bacon butty is on a snow-plate on a snow-table in front of it. With a large glass of white (of course) wine.
Complain about this comment
Fine. I'll just leave the makings for fresh bacon butties on the side here, for whoever gets here first tomorrow........
Complain about this comment
I guess I'm first up and ready to make butties. Afraid someone else will have to handle the bacon - I can't stand the smell (even here on the beach). So egg butties it is! With lashings of coffee along side.
Now I'm off for a spot of kayaking (and in RL) - anyone interested in joining?
Complain about this comment
Morning *all and thanks Little Red for breakfast.
RL finds me at work in Holt, (North Norfolk) helping to count books (stocktake). Now where was I 3841, 3842, 384?..blast. 1, 2, 3,......
(*
This is the short version of, Morning Peeps, Froggers, Frogging Peeps, Peeps Frogging and Froggers a leaping.)
Complain about this comment
I've done some bacon. Extra Crispy Streaky. Industrial Size Cafetiere also brewing
Complain about this comment
Thanks Stewart M, that will do for my lunch.
Now where was I 3859, 3860, 386?..blast. 1, 2, 3,......
Complain about this comment
Leftovers for lunch, and pretty good ones at that - chickpea curry from last night. No naan's so I'm afraid baguette'll have to do, there's plenty on the side. Oh and there's LOTS of water in the fridge as it's quite spicy.
My morning of kayaking has left me starving so dig in quick or it'll all be gone.
Complain about this comment
Cor, Little Red - that curry's fiery!!
I've brought along some raita to cool it down a bit ;o)
Complain about this comment
Fish fingers! SO's idea of a Sunday lunchtime snack is a far cry from my usual of kedgeree or a fryup ... still, as I'm now to be included in a pub quiz team tonight, perhaps the fish content will prove beneficial.
Decaff tea in a HUUUUUUGE pot to follow. Please bring own mug!
Complain about this comment
Feefs, Fish Fingers.....God's own food that is!
You cannot beat a good quality Fish Finger Sarnie.
Fresh bread, butter, hot fish fingers with tomato sauce and black pepper...the perfick DiY comfort food!
Mind you LR's chick pea curry is a close second!!
Complain about this comment
Well that's the tweeters fed again, and paths shovelled round the side of the house for access. (Note to self: buy more birdseed tomorrow!)
A neighbour, it turns out, wondered if the original snowlady was modelled on himself - the hat and dark glasses he wears for an eye complaint were, I think, what he meant!
Back inside to watch a bit of the Bond movie ... and it's snowing again. This bodes well for the walk to the pub quiz doesn't it?
Best look out my extra-thick jumper and the wide-brimmed hat I think.
Complain about this comment
Halfway through a bottle of Castillo de Calatrava ... and suddenly I remember Santiago Calatrava, great bridge-builder (and general architect) ...
http://www.calatrava.com/main.htm
Still plenty of wine left, if anyone else fancies a glass ...
Complain about this comment
Well I got to play in the snow this afternoon. Built an igloo. Got the dimensions a bit wrong. So its about 6 foot tall and base diameter about 3 feet.
And now its snowing again.
I'll have some of that wine.
Complain about this comment
Stewart : My tame artichoke says, if it hasn't got an indoor toilet it's just an ig.
Please note that the above comment does not necessarily reflect the comic views of the frogger wot posted it!
Complain about this comment
Well this ig of mine has standing room only.
Complain about this comment
Happy Birthday, Jonnie!!!!!!
Ever youthful and sprite-like, frolicking along the Beach.
Let us raise a glass to Himself!
Complain about this comment
Hi guys!
Sorry - well sorry if you ever missed me, but yes I reached the lovely celebratory age of 49 15 minutes ago!
BigSis left a cryptic message - and bless her for that!
We have just arrived back from two weeks of near hell in Lanzarote to similar back here in the UK.
I'll tell all in the coming weeks.
Missed you all - even more than Eddie on the air - however all the huge Hotel fed us was Sky! -
How on earth does that Eamonn and others keep a job?
Ahh well - Nice to be back?
Complain about this comment
Morning all!
Happy Birfday Jonny! holiday sounds "interesting". But I assume it got you out of the snow... or is europe more covered than i had imagined?
strong coffee on the side. ready for that much needed monday morning hit.
Complain about this comment
Happy Birthday, Jonnie! (in your prime squared!)
Pint of coffee for me, please, Little Red.
Complain about this comment
Yup, Sid, you're quite right. Jonnie is 25 today.
"Twenty five today
Twenty five today ...."
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
[__________]
Complain about this comment
Here's that cake again ....
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
[________]
Complain about this comment
Thanks - and I hate those candles you cant blow out :-(
Complain about this comment
But but but but but ..... Jonnie, you DID blow them out, Look!
lllllllllllllllllllllllll
[_______]
Complain about this comment
Phew! :-)
LOL
Complain about this comment
Jonnie!!! Happy Birthday! I forgot your birthday is so close to mine! I'm nearly catching you up (1 year less) next Saturday. I keep forgetting, but well-meaning "friends" keep reminding me...
I missed you! Didn't know you were away till Gill told me. Now you're back - hooray! Do tell all - the more miserable and hellish the better, obviously.
Complain about this comment
Hi, I'm the sort of user who in car or radio terms just wants the thing to work and who refuses to become his own car mechanic, welder, etc.
In other matters, I get cheesed off with what I think of as unnecessary complexity. In fact I think that complexity in use is deliberately added in to new innovatory products. It makes the user feel that they themselves are doing the cutting edge technology bit, not the kit. So they feel pretty clever, thrive on knowing that other people can't work the kit, and so persuade others who indeed can't, that they're stupid.
But of course refusing to learn what one sees as deliberately over-complex has not only the obvious 'left behind' downside (mitigated by using the kit in an especially straightforward way) but also it can result in refusing to learn something that must be learnt, because of the current state of technology. Like refusing to know how to crank a car in the 1920s ('There must be an easier way than the way they're telling us')
Any echos?
Complain about this comment
Bappy Hirthday jonnie and you don't look a day over 30!
Mind you CCTV isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Anyhoo, be good and have fun. On second thoughts..just have fun!
DiY :-D
Complain about this comment
Felicitations jonne!
In our office, you have to buy buns for everybody on your birthday. Can I have a chocolate eclair please?
Complain about this comment
jonnie even!
Complain about this comment
Jonnie event, Loon? ;o)
Complain about this comment
Maybe Sis, but I can't go! I have to lie down with a patch on, after poking my i out.
Complain about this comment
Sounds very nasty, Loon. Try some soothing extract of cucumber to ease the pain.
Complain about this comment
LOL, wot on earth is soothing extract of cucumber?
Complain about this comment
More importantly, who discovered that Shark Oil was good for yer Farmer Giles?
And just how did they do that?
Complain about this comment
You can cut out the middleman, DiY, and just use slices of cucumber. But it is very soothing.
Complain about this comment
A well oiled shark is a remedy for most things. Everyone knows that.
Complain about this comment
Fifi: I've heard tell that there are plenty of well oiled sharks to be found within The Square Mile (i.e. the City of London). I guess they come up via the Thames .....
Complain about this comment
Welcome back, Jonnie, and a Hippo Bathday from me too :-)
I'm just off for a snooze in a deckchair. If anyone needs me, point them in the opposite direction!
Complain about this comment
Boiled egg for lunch... and here come all the kings horses and all the kings men. now i just need a touch of salt... oh.
Complain about this comment
This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.
Gosh that looks fabulous Gillianian - I'll pop down at one with some of Anne's chutney - wow that salmon looks tasty :-) xx
Complain about this comment
Mm, tasty spread, Gill! And now for the champers
Pop pop!
Excuse me while I fend off a few well oiled sharks ....
Complain about this comment
Hey, looks bad just turning up on this week's Beach in time for the champers, doesn't it?
I've brought enough filled Party Bags for us all to take home with us later though, does that make up for it? You've all got a balloon, a toy, a colouring book and packet of felt tips. Later on would someone help me cut up his cake and wrap pieces in napkins for each?
Complain about this comment
Has the magician turned up?
I'm sure I told him 1 o'clock.......
Complain about this comment
Val: What are we supposed to do with the balloon? - No, don't answer that, on second thoughts!
If anyone wants me I'll be behind that dune colouring in the picture of a camel. Give me a yell when Jonnie appears.*
[*He's busy being fashionably late!]
Complain about this comment
Never mind - here's a toast to (absent) friends ;o)
*sluuuuuurrrrrrrrrrp*
Complain about this comment
Yes sorry I'm a little late.
Oh I see Val has already opened the bottle :-)
Well cheers everyone!
Complain about this comment
And a lovely ecard from Gillianian :-)
Thanks Gillian - it looks like Rupert spinning the discs
http://tinyurl.com/d9ct9c
Complain about this comment
Big Sis - there's always one isn't there! Naughty, naughty, you're not supposed to open the Party Bag until you're on your way home, tired and grumpy and feeling slightly nauseous at the memory of jelly/ice cream/iced gems/silver balls/dairyleatriangles/banana sandwiches and twiglets all on one plate :-(. Especially on top of a tummy that's been musically bumped....
Complain about this comment
UtT (115) He was here earlier, but he seems to have disappeared.
Hippy Biffday, j.
H.
Complain about this comment
Happy Birthday Jonnie, sorry I'm late - had to make an emergency dash to the dentist. Can I still have cake? I can DEFINITELY have bubbly I know that much!
xx
Complain about this comment
Happy birthday, jonnie!
Just been to the bank.
My banker was outside stamping in the melting snow.
'What are you doing' I asked
'It's bankers' slush fun time!' he said.
He looked into the brown paper bag he had with him.
'Ah,' he said 'A really tasty one'
'What have you got?' I asked.
'It's my current bung' he said.
Complain about this comment
I posted Gillianians e-card up here but I was wisely reminded that it contained her email address.
One of my buddies wisely removed it for me
Complain about this comment
Too much bubbly, eh, Jonnie? ;o)
Complain about this comment
Ha Ha!
I've just made up this hilarious joke.
Ok - here we go!
What goes 'Eee aaah schhh! eee aaah schhh! eee aaah schhh!' ?
Complain about this comment
Jonnie, that's very naughty! And after all that the nice Mr. Mair has done for you today!
Complain about this comment
You haven't made up that joke Jonnie - it was me wot sent it to you! (and I didn't make it up either!!)
We are thawing almost as fast as the fog is approaching from the direction of RAF Unmentionable.
So, perfect conditions for Blind Man's Buff! You first, birthday boy.....
Complain about this comment
But that's the joke Mr Muir had in his newsletter?
Complain about this comment
Okay, a joke for Jonnie:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”
And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
Complain about this comment
Blind Man's Buff? A spectator sport for my, I'm afraid. Can someone give me a hand with one of these deck-chairs please? I bought several brace of them from Pratchett's, and I can't work out how to put them up ... let me see; if I fold this ... no, wait ... I'll pull this bit through here ... no, hang on ... other way up ... no, as you were ...
Complain about this comment
Sid - Why have you brought 8 ironing boards onto the beach?
Complain about this comment
He couldn't resist one of the few bargains in the Woolies Final Clearance Sale. It was either those, or Office Cooling Fans - ours had shelves of those.
Complain about this comment
So did ours Val, obviously not one of their best sellers!
Complain about this comment
Ironing boards, Mr Loon? What's one of them?
Complain about this comment
Are they like surf boards, but less damp?
Or snow boards, but less chilly?
Complain about this comment
Happy happies, jonnie! Sorry I missed the bubbly, but I think I'd better have some of the cake before those camels spot it...
PS: what does go 'Eee aaah schhh! eee aaah schhh! eee aaah schhh!' ?
Is it, um, a police car and tonic?
Complain about this comment
Irony Boards on the beach?
Complain about this comment
Valery P @ 120, *iced gems*!!!
Ooooooh!
I haven't seen iced gems for oh too long to remember.
Where did you get them? Can I have some? pleasepleaseplease?
Complain about this comment
SP - you can have these biscuitty bits I've sucked the icing off ...
Complain about this comment
If a friend comes looking for me, I'm behind the camel-shaped dune, with Jonnie - we're both hiding our embarrassment :o(
If, on the other hand, it's a stranger - tell them I've gone for a lengthy swim over to the bazaar to buy something to make amends.
Complain about this comment
Gillianian, I'll bring you over a cuppa in a minute :-)
Complain about this comment
Gillianian - Is that where there's a sign that says 'Camelodunum'?
Complain about this comment
That's right, Sid - you'll know it's me - I'm the one wearing the toga :o)
I'm finding it hard to describe what Jonnie's wearing.......suffice to say, he's got a lovely pair of legs!
Complain about this comment
Glad you pointed that out Gillianianian... I thought there were a couple of loose threads!
Now then. I have a dozen half-done jobs still on my list of things to do today. Any suggestions?
Complain about this comment
Someone stop the World, I want to get off it.
Not having a good day today. I'm knackered after not enough sleep last night due to the head cold I've developed since returning from NZ. Pass the lemsip and gin someone...
:o| []
Complain about this comment
Sid - ooh did you used to do that too? The biscuity bits were beyond nasty to my mind, they tasted like flour and water!
Selkius - I have a secret supply, of course they're a bit old now......
Complain about this comment
jonnie- Happy, happy birthday!
I heard the toast to ábsent friends' earlier and came as quickly as I could....
Here's more champers , but the cake I hid behind the dune seems to have gone!
Is there a party bag for me?
I've brought my donkey for us to play ''Pin the tail on '' (I usually win, if you don't mind...)
We ought to start before ''you-know-who'' comes...... you know what he did last time.... it wasn't funny...
Mollyxx
Complain about this comment
ps wwhy have I got that funny little thing on my ''absent'' ?
(I've always wondered how to do those...)
Complain about this comment
Of course there's a party bag for you Molly, I've tied a little name label to each and every one. Those who don't turn up to collect theirs at the end of the party will have to do without. And you must mind your manners when you leave too ;-)
Complain about this comment
Fifi - for your list of half done things. re-write your list so there's twice as many things. then cross half off. works a treat every time!
I brought a plate of cheese and pineapple on sticks, some party ring biscuits and a tray of butterfly cakes, a mixture of both choccie and vanilla.
Complain about this comment
Lovely Dundee cake freshly opened (a Christmas present) for anyone who wishes a slice or three.
I keep telling my friend we never eat cake but will she listen???
Complain about this comment
LOL - Still chuckling at BigSis's joke -
and yes I stole mine from Eric's newsletter.
Thanks Molly and Frances and Quailified and anyone I missed of the list.
You are all too kind (as Old Mr Grace used to say)
Complain about this comment
A pleasure, jonnie, and thanks for having me at your party.
(thinks: do I get my party bag now?)
Complain about this comment
Happy Birpday for yesterday Jonnie, sorry I missed it! Looks like you all had a good party.... and still a few cheese and pineapple sticks left for breakfast!
Complain about this comment
Little Red has the right idea with to-do lists ... I always add things I've done then cross them off - gives a feeling of achievement ...
For example: I'm taking these deck-chairs/ironing boards back to Pratchett's later - so I'll add that to my list and then cross it off.
Complain about this comment
153: You're very welcome, Jonnie, and as you'll have noticed from the freely-scattered question marks, mine was also 'nicked' from elsewhere. In fact, it was voted the second funniest joke in the world in a science experiment .... (don't ask me about the first - I didn't think it was as funny. One of life's runners up, that's me ;o))
Complain about this comment
This was the funniest, apparently:
'A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"'
Made me laugh ...
Complain about this comment
No reason for this post other than to rid David McNickle of 5/5 on the recent comments list.
Coffee anyone?
Complain about this comment
Thanks Loon, don't mind if I do.
Just fought my way back to the beach after being cut off from electronic communications yesterday. The helldesk person in Outer Mongolia informed me there was an outage in my area - Birmingham! a mere forty miles or so away from where I actually am. Can only assume that snow blew into the gaps in the broad band.
Complain about this comment
How mant times do I have to tell some of you people not to P on the beach? Disgusting habit!!
Complain about this comment
Yes, Sid, that was the one. But - the funniest joke in the world? Hm. Not that I'd call the Holmes joke the second funniest - I'm sure I've heard funnier.
So, here's an idea. How about our very own Beach joke competition? Jokes posted up today and tomorrow could be rated on Thursday, before the waves clean away the sand for this week.
Anyone up for it?
Complain about this comment
Tou can yell us as mant yimes as tou wany, David. Te won'y yake ant noyice!
;o)
Complain about this comment
David - I want a Wii.
Complain about this comment
I'd like to tell you all that, although I am not a practising Catholic, I'm going to give up picking my belly button for lint.
Complain about this comment
Woman went into a bar and ordered a double entendre, so the barman gave her one.
Complain about this comment
I've got lots of irons in the fire. I've given up golf again!
Complain about this comment
What do you get if you cross an elephant with the abominable snowman?
Complain about this comment
Answer: A jumbo yeti.
Complain about this comment
QL (165) Your'e a very naughty boy - go to my room.
Complain about this comment
We went to a restaurant the other evening and the waiter asked: "Do you have reservations"? So I said: "Yes, but we've decided to eat here anyway".
Complain about this comment
Last time I was in a restaurant, the waiter asked me: 'Is everything all right, sir?' And I had to say: 'Well, I'm a bit worried about the situation in Iraq ...'
Complain about this comment
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are taking a trip across a desert by hot-air balloon. There are not many landmarks; so eventually, they become lost. Luckily, while flying quite low, they see a man.
Holmes shouts, "Sir, could you please tell me where we are?"
The man looks up, ponders for a moment, and then answers, "Gentlemen, you are in a hot-air balloon!"
At this moment, a burst of wind picks up the balloon and carries it away.
Holmes turns to Watson and asks: "My friend, do you know who that man is?"
"No, Holmes, of course not!"
"He's a mathematician!"
"Holmes, that's incredible! But how do you know?"
"It's very simple, Watson. First of all, the man thought before giving us an answer. Secondly, his answer was absolutely correct. And thirdly, the answer he gave us was of no practical use, whatsoever!"
Complain about this comment
This is an old one, so bear with me.
Ferguson: What's wrong with you, David? You're not in the zone any more and you haven't scored a goal in weeks!
Beckham: I know, Boss. I've been a bit distracted by this jigsaw me and the missus are doing. It's a fantastic picture of a tiger, but we just can't get started. We've been staying up late, but it's no good.
Ferguson: Well, you've got to sort this out - it's affecting our results. Bring your jigsaw in tomorrow, and I'll help you do it, and then everything will go back to normal.
The following day . . .
Beckham: Here you go, Boss. See? It's a great picture of that tiger. I'll just tip all the pieces out so that you can see how difficult it is. I can't wait to see it finished!
Ferguson - after a long, long, pause:
Put the Frosties back in the box, David.
Complain about this comment
When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did - in his sleep.
Not screaming like the passengers on his bus.
Complain about this comment
I went to a restaurant that serves -breakfast at any time.- So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Complain about this comment
Sid (158) The real attribution for that should be the comic genius that was Spike Milligna (the well-known typing error). See this story for details....
Complain about this comment
A man in a balloon is suddenly taken off course by a violent wind. He landed the balloon in a farmer's field, and hailed a passerby. "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me where I am?" Eyeing the man in the balloon the passer by said: "You are in a downed balloon in a farmer's field."
"You, sir, must be an accountant," replied the balloonist. "How could you possibly know that?" asked the passer-by. "Because what you have told me is absolutely correct, but of absolutely no use to me now, " answered the balloonist.
The passerby thought for a moment before replying "And you must be a manager." The balloonist says "How would you know that?" - "Because you don't know where you are, you don't know where you're going, and you are exactly where you were 10 minutes ago but somehow it's now my fault!"
Complain about this comment
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… the one that is red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes,"the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Complain about this comment
Loon:
:oD)
Complain about this comment
Two guys are fishing in the Caribbean. One is a lawyer and the other is an accountant. The lawyer says, "I had a terrible fire; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here." The accountant says, "What a coincidence. I had a terrible flood; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here." The lawyer turned to him with confusion and says, "How do you start a flood?"
Complain about this comment
When my car caught fire, I claimed under my insurance policy - third party, fire and theft. 'So, when was your car stolen, sir?' asked the helpful insurance man. 'It wasn't,' I said. 'It caught fire and burnt to a crisp.' 'Aha,' said the man. 'Then you should have had third party, fire OR theft.'
Complain about this comment
An elderly lady receives an e-mail from the son of a deceased (but wealthy) African general, asking whether he could transfer millions of pounds into her bank account in return for a 20% cut. All the son needs is the sort code and account number. Not realising she is the victim of a Nigerian 419 fraud, she e-mails back the details. A couple of minutes later she receives an e-mail back from the general's son: 'Icesave?!' What is this, some sort of scam?"
Complain about this comment
I knew the banks were in trouble when I turned on to watch Deal Or No Deal and the banker had disappeared. There was just Noel Edmonds, 22 boxes and a recorded message.
Complain about this comment
So far my vote goes to Mrs Eff for 176. I'm still snorting!!
Complain about this comment
A consultant was on his way home. He's a bit late as he wants to celebrate his 40th birthday, so he's put his foot to the floor when a juggernaut pulls out and hits him, he smashes into the central reservation, spins out of control, and is killed.
As a result, he goes up the escalator to the Pearly Gates. He walks off at the top, there's a band playing, the Angels are singing, there is a huge crowd cheering and chanting his name. He's mobbed as he walks into Heaven.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, St. Peter
himself runs over, and begins to apologize profusely for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand vigorously, and says "Congratulations old boy, we've been waiting a long time for you!"
The consultant stands there, totally confused and a little embarrassed. He looks at St. Peter and says "Saint Peter, I've tried to lead God fearing life, I've loved my family dearly, I've tried to obey the all of the Ten Commandments all of the time, but I really don't understand. Congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special?"
"Congratulations for what?" says St. Peter - totally amazed at the
man's modesty. "
"We're all celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! "
The consultant is awestruck and can only look at St. Peter with his mouth wide open. When he eventually regains his power of speech, he says: "St. Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that I would be judged by God and found to be worthy, but I only lived to be 40"
"That's simply impossible my son," says Saint Peter.
"We've added up your time sheets"
Complain about this comment
Val P (185) - Mrs Eff posted this one earlier this morning. I literally laughed out loud.
Complain about this comment
Q: How many men does it take to clean a toilet bowl?
A: We don't know. It has never happened.
Complain about this comment
Thank you, all, for the jokes. I've got a cold and am feeling woozy and bored. The laughs are better than any medicine (though they do make me cough)!
Complain about this comment
To redress the balance:
Q: What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence
[I am allowed to make this joke - I am a blonde ;o)]
Complain about this comment
Another blonde joke (and, oh dear, there are so many of them!)
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear?
A: "Thanks for the top up!"
Complain about this comment
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the barman:
"How much for a beer?"
"For you, no charge," the barman replies
Complain about this comment
A man walks in to a bar and is astonished to see three men and a dog playing poker at a corner table. He watched in awe,then remarked, "That is the most amazing dog I have ever seen!". "Nah, he's actually useless," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he can't stop wagging his tail".
Complain about this comment
A Roman Centurion walks into a bar.
"What can I get you?" says the barman
"I'd like a Martinum please."
"Do you mean a Martini?"
"If I want a double I'll ask."
Complain about this comment
A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
"House" in French, is feminine -"la maison," "Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary.
So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheque on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.
Complain about this comment
Re 192. A proton walks into a bar. The barman says, "Hidy Rog En-ion!"
H.
Complain about this comment
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet.
"Does your dog bite?"
"No."
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.
"That's not my dog."
Complain about this comment
Wife 1.0
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
The features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0 include:
* A "Don't remind me again" button
* Minimize button
* An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of cache and other system resources.
* An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually pop-up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
BUG WARNING
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
Complain about this comment
Frances (189): Just for you, a joke from my childhood
"I opened the window and in flew Enza"
Hope you feel better soon!
Complain about this comment
And to follow on from Big Sis's blonde jokes:
Q: How can you tell when a blonde has been using a computer?
A: Tipp-ex on the screen.
And after seeing a lightbulb joke earlier:
Q: How many M$ employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None! They just declare Darkness 1.0 as the new industry standard.
Complain about this comment
Lovely, lovely, all of 'em. I wish I could remember jokes!
Complain about this comment
This is a funny, and true, story.
Some years ago, when I was working as a tour director, one of my colleagues was sent to Italy to take a coachload of students north from Rome to Venice, via an overnight stay in Florence. He spoke no Italian and had never run that route before but, along with the majority of tour directors, didn't let that stop him from giving a commentary as they sped north from Rome. A couple of hours into their journey they passed a sign. "We are now passing through the village of Firenze", said my colleague, following that statement on with some fabricated spiel about that place. Imagine his horror when he saw, a few minutes later, the unmistakable vision of the Duomo and had to extricate himself from his lies ..... ;o)
Complain about this comment
Benny says to his girlfriend, "You’re more beautiful than any stamp in my collection."
.
.
.
.
"Philately will get you nowhere," she replies.
Complain about this comment
OR.
.
.
It’s a lovely Sunday morning and Issy wakes up, puts on his dressing gown and goes downstairs where his wife Rose is in the kitchen making breakfast.
"So what's for breakfast, dear?" he asks, as he enters the kitchen.
Rose walks over to him and says, "Before I answer that, you've got to make love to me right now."
Thinking it's his lucky day, Issy does as he’s told and makes love to Rose. When it’s over, Issy asks, "Darling, why did you want to make love at this very moment? You’ve never wanted to do that before."
"Because I’m making you eggs and the egg timer's broken," Rose replies.
Complain about this comment
Giggle! Feeling better already! And thanks for the Enza one, Big Sis!
Complain about this comment
Wahey! I've got my name back!!!
Complain about this comment
Okay, Horse, so - where's the joke?
Complain about this comment
Big Sis - No joke. I've only just worked out how to change my nickname to the one that they threw off the blog some months back!
Complain about this comment
Does that make you a Permanent Horse now, 206?
;o)
Complain about this comment
Mounting a horse is very easy if it is done properly. A rider can only mount a horse from one side because a horse only likes to be mounted from one side. The left side is right and the right side is wrong. You're right to be left and wrong to be right. If you mount from the front, you mount from the right, which is then the left because your right is its left, and the left the right, keeping in mind that the left is right and the right is wrong. Put your left to your right and step so your right is to the wrong and now your right is opposite its left and left the right. To right right is to the left and to right is wrong is to the right, but backwards, the right is right and the left is wrong only when your right is on its wrong, and the left is on its right. Switching right to left and left to right is wrong. Right is wrong and left is right only from the front or else the left is right and the right is wrong.
Complain about this comment
Fifi: Are you suggesting TIH has had a Kevin Keegan?
Complain about this comment
TiH, welcome back!
Complain about this comment
Big Sis @ 210 - yup, I used to have the same problems aged 13 when I went pony-trekking. And I needed a stepladder. And they were Icelandic ponies, come to think of it - shades of things to come??
Complain about this comment
Re Big Sister's Beach Joke Competition (162)
did you want us to begin to weed?!! [Or was there a prohibition on that, McNickle?!]!
In no particular order, the best one so far is either Big Sister's Inuendo (166) or Mrs Eff's toast (176) or DIW's stamp collection (203); the Sherlock Holmes' tent one reminds me too much of the late Les Dawson pontificating:
The other day I was gazing up at the night sky, a purple vault fretted with a myriad points of light twinkling in wondrous formation, while shooting stars streaked across the heavens, and I thought: I really must repair the roof on this toilet.
keep them rolling in....!!!!
n-n
xx
Complain about this comment
This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.
I'm tiptoeing round as quietly as I can, brewing coffee and tea ... croissants in the oven, warming gently ... fruit salad, muesli, yoghurt ... or would you rather roll over and have a few more minutes' kip?
Whenever you're ready ...
Complain about this comment
Ooh, ta, Sid. Just what I need. I'll take a mug of the black stuff, and wander off down to the sand bar for a little contemplative sea gazing...
Complain about this comment
Thanks Sid, tea and a croissant for me please.
Complain about this comment
Here you are then, FF - one pint of Guinness coming up ...
... and one tea and croissant for Anne ...
Complain about this comment
I meant the coffee, Sid!
Complain about this comment
No coffee, tea or fruit salad for me, Sid. But I'll be off for a canter in the shallows once I've had my oats! OK, muesli then.
Complain about this comment
Back in 5 Mins.
Complain about this comment
Let me see if I understand correctly ... Horse is off for his oats ... Mrs Eff has absented herself for 5 minutes ...
Coincidence?
* arches left eyebrow, archly *
Complain about this comment
Hmm ... nice arch!
Complain about this comment
Sorry Beachers, too many toxins from rich food and booze in my system and concerns about the end of the known world.
Man, I'm broken hearted at my outburst.
man-im-broken,
but making a mends
Complain about this comment
Wam Bam thank...
Complain about this comment
I think I need a full breakfast now.
Complain about this comment
This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.
Wonderful, no matter how often you hear them - thanks Sid.
Complain about this comment
Eddie - is it true if no-one sees you eating something it has no calories?
Complain about this comment
Mrs Eff: Following your logic, if we all take our meals, snacks, treats, lattes, etc., in secret, we'd all be stick thin.
If only it were true ....
Complain about this comment
Mrs Effingham - have one of my home-made croissants - guaranteed calorie-free!
Complain about this comment
Groan. I see an identically spotted leopard. How long, I wonder, how long ....?
Complain about this comment
This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.
How long would you like, Big Sister?
Complain about this comment
It's ******* snowing again!
Complain about this comment
Sunny here, Mrs Eff... but the snow isn't melting.
Complain about this comment
How long have you got, Sid?
Complain about this comment
Thanks Big Sis. Coffee, chocolate, men somethings are better rich...
Complain about this comment
Welcome back, Horsey! What do you think of your Kentish cousin?
How was it for you, Mrs Eff?
Complain about this comment
:0)
Complain about this comment
Big Sister - how long's a piece of string?
Especially one that goes round in loops?
Cheese on toast, anyone?
Complain about this comment
Yes, please, Gillianianian, haven't had that for ages. A real treat.
Complain about this comment
I've sent myself to the naughty step ... I'll be back before lunch.
Complain about this comment
Oooh, Gillianian - could I snaffle a piece of CoT please? I've brought the Worcestershire Sauce for anyone that wants a few drops . . .
Complain about this comment
233
Hey, Big Sis, you got an 'xmins' intrusion in one of your posts on jonnie's birthday, didn't you.
See one of my 'What do you think of these bankers' posts for fun and comparison.
Man, I'm broke(n)
PS Doctor Spooner was asked whether he would wed a banker.
First he said 'No, no, no!' (he could manage that, that's why he always ordered peas and potatoes).
Then he said sadly, 'Yes, yes, yes' as he remembered the man-woman split at his Oxford college.
Complain about this comment
I once new a rare Welsh bit.
Complain about this comment
Perky, please keep that bottle away from me - Yuk! A dab of mustard, perhaps?
Complain about this comment
Horse, tsk tsk! Red ink 'K' from teacher!
Complain about this comment
Would that be 'bit' as on your big Kentish cousin, Horsey?
Complain about this comment
Big Sis / Frances O - I made a mess of that one! I was trying to type the joke before I got it formed in my head.
Complain about this comment
That wouldn't be Welsh, Frances - Invicta/Angel is a pure English thoroughbred and, as far as I'm aware, that doesn't include cob, or any other Welsh ancestry.
Complain about this comment
Mmm, yes please cheese on toast with worcestershire sauce, then some of Eddie's chocolates for afters.
Complain about this comment
I've raided the samples fridge - some really interesting cheeses in there. The provolone works quite well on toast, but I'm not sure about the Wensleydale with ginger....
I'll leave it all out anyway. Help yourselves. Leave me a wee bit of Canadian cheddar for later.....
Complain about this comment
UTT - Samples fridge? I wouldn't touch anything out of that ....
Complain about this comment
Big Sis - don't touch anything else afterwards if you do. I'm not saying we've had any issues with high bug counts but...
Anyone know a good method for getting rid of listeria?
Complain about this comment
Don't worry, UTT, those little bottles filled with pale yellow liquid said it all for me...
Complain about this comment
UtT (256) - I'd just dig it out, although you will have to prune it back beforehand and carefully detach it from the wall or pergola.
Complain about this comment
Sometimes, TiH, when I read the lab reports I almost believe we could prune it back!
Complain about this comment
So, Mrs Effingham is a time traveller ...
Complain about this comment
Perhaps she's the next but one Doctor Who, Sid?
Complain about this comment
I see quoting Tommy Cooper now gets you referred to the mods - I despair!
Complain about this comment
Anne P (262) - Doesn't stop us trying though. More Tommy Cooperesque.
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first."
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo."
He said "You're closest."
Complain about this comment
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
Complain about this comment
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar?"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Robbie Williams.
Complain about this comment
AP 262, Just like that?
Complain about this comment
Subject: Tommy Cooper At His Best, again ...
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was brilliant.
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside. "How's that?" "Don't you start"
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then"
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.’
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat git!!"
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill"
A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said "well don't go there any more"
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
Complain about this comment
Horsey @ 258 - excellent!
But at no 252, Big Sis, now you've got me there. I know next to nowt about horses, even permanent ones.
To sum up this thread, then"
The bit is not a Welsh bit. Cos the (possibly permanent) horse is not a Welsh cob. And not being a cob means it has nothing to do with cob nuts, therefore it has no nuts.
Did I get that right?
;o)
Complain about this comment
Ooops, my colon slipped a bit. Nurse!
Complain about this comment
Frances - The only reason I mentioned my Rare Welsh Bit was because Gillianian (242) offered cheese on toast.
Complain about this comment
And look at the trouble it caused!
Complain about this comment
Sorry ;o(
Tomorrow's offering will be bread and dripping.
Complain about this comment
This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.
Well now you've mentioned it I'm going to have to have cheese on toast for tea now!
Complain about this comment
A couple of stars were chatting, one night:
Star 1: Apparently, I am the second brightest star in the northern hemisphere.
Star 2: You cannot be Sirius!
H.
Complain about this comment
mmmmmmm bread and dripping with a liberal sprinkling of salt!
Goodness how that brings back childhood memories!
Along with Pork Scratchings, Tongue, Haslett, Brawn and a sheeps head being boiled up for dog and cat food.
It's a wonder I have made this far!
Anyhoo, there is a jug of scrumpy at NC's for anybody passing.
Complain about this comment
I'll pass on the bread and dripping thanks, but from my childhood, here's some Semolina pudding with a big blob of homemade jam!
Complain about this comment
So I went into this restaurant; it was a chinese restaurant, so I ordered duck.
When it came, i said: "Waiter! this duck is cold!"
He said: " I should think so, it's been dead two weeks..."
"And another thing," I said to the waiter "One leg is shorter than the other"
"What do you want to do" he said, "Dance with it?!!"
Complain about this comment
DI Wyman - don't forget your Carter's Little Liver Pill and spoonful of Radio Malt before you go to bed ;o)
Complain about this comment
Ooo, no, Gillianianianian, not you, it was that horse wot done it. With his talking about bits. And never a techie joke from mittfh about bytes or anything to balance things.
Radio Malt. A little-known independent station broadcasting from Speyside and Islay with opt-outs in Skye and Orkney.
n-n: how would you dance with it, anyway? Slow, slow, quack-quack slow?
Complain about this comment
I'm back from the naughty step ... and I see I've missed my supper.
Complain about this comment
But, Sid, why did you go there anyway?
[btw (shh! we're not supposed to talk politics here) good old Vince Cable. Only sane person around, it seems.]
I'm going to have a snack before I start winding down for tonight.
It is with trepidation that I suggest either marmite on toast or buttered toast. And decaf tea.
Hey! Anyone remember Gentleman's Relish?
Complain about this comment
Morning all, -5 indicated on the heat measure fitted to the garage wall this morning and a light covering of snow....Brrr.
Anyhoo, kettle is on.
Complain about this comment
Freshly-made toast on the bar, people, along with some homemade Seville marmalade that I picked up at choir practice this week. Also some Gentleman's Relish, which is popular in this household . . love it, or hate it?
Complain about this comment
Mmm, I recognise that strapline .. ;o)
Complain about this comment
Patum peperium (sp?) is that the same thing?
I come here to escape from yet more snow in RL. It's been falling, and lying, since 7, and the ground was frozen solid when it started. If I don't escape now, then I may be stuck for a while.
Complain about this comment
And another thing, I said to the waiter, "This crab has only one claw." The waiter said, "Maybe it was in a fight." I said, "Well why didn't you bring me the winner?"
Before we went to the restaurant, I closed the curtains so that nobody could look in the windows. Somebody broke in and stole the curtains.
Complain about this comment
D McN 287, That crab joke was stolen from Danny Thomas.
Complain about this comment
D McN 288, Yes, I know.
Complain about this comment
Seein' as we are doing jokes, try this for size..
In 1967, Mark joins the Army. On his first day of service, he gets issued with a comb and later on in the afternoon, the Army hairdresser cuts off all his lovely thick brown hair. Mark is not at all happy with this. His hair was his pride and joy.
On Mark’s second day of service, he gets issued with a toothbrush and later on in the afternoon, the Army dentist extracts four of his teeth. Marc is very angry with this as he felt these teeth were perfectly sound.
On Marc’s third day of service, he gets issued with a jock strap.
Forty years later, the Army is still searching for Marc.
Complain about this comment
Very quiet here today isn't it?
Nice thick homemade vegetable soup on the bar with crusty pumpkin seed bread. (Soft white rolls available for those with tender larynxes).
Anyone for beach cricket?
Complain about this comment
gossipmistress, thanks for lunch, way too busy on the Helldesk to join in the game so as way of compensation have this on me.....
Patrick, a lawyer, arrives home late one evening after a very tiring day trying to get a stay of execution for his client, James Wright, who is due to be hanged for murder at midnight. Patrick had made a last-minute plea for clemency to the governor, but his plea had been rejected. So when Patrick arrives home, he’s depressed and very, very tired.
But as soon as he walks into his house, his wife starts on him. "And what time of night do you call this Patrick? You should have been home hours ago - where have you been all this time?"
But Patrick is too tired to participate in this regular ritual and ignores her tirade. Instead, he pours himself a glass of best whiskey and goes upstairs to have a good long soak in a hot bath. 20 minutes later, while he’s still in the bath, the phone rings. His wife answers and is told that her husband's client has, at the very last moment, been granted his stay of execution after all.
She suddenly realises what a day her husband must have had and feels very embarrassed about her outburst. So she goes upstairs to give him the good news. She opens the bathroom door and is immediately greeted by the sight of Patrick’s naked backside as he is bending over drying his feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she says.
Patrick straightens up, turns around and screams out, "For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop with your moaning?"
Complain about this comment
It seems DI Wyman was out for a duck.
He needs to spend more time on his googlies, I think.
Complain about this comment
And then I said to the waiter, "Waiter, there's some soup in my flies." He replied, "Don't you mean there's a fly in your soup?" I said, "I write my own jokes."
I used to send jokes to Henry Cooper, then I realised that I meant Tommy Cooper. I hope Tommy enjoyed the boxing book I sent him.
D McN 289, But it was a lobster, not a crab.
Complain about this comment
DMcN - yes I remember it as a lobster too, it's one of the few jokes that I've told more than once. It must have tickled me.
Complain about this comment
ValP - What, the lobster?
Complain about this comment
Gro-an. I asked for that....
Complain about this comment
They modded my joke or was it because of the nice compliment I made about gmx's soup!
Anyhoo....
A jumper cable walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says to the barman, "A beer please - and one for the road."
I thank you....
Complain about this comment
Frances O (252) - I was thinking norty thorts - mostly about the mods ... so I indulged in a pre-emptive strike (i.e. I got my retaliation in first) ...
I'm still wondering - why were those Tommy Coopers so objectionable first time round but not second?
Complain about this comment
...that's a cracker....
Man: I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
Doctor: That sounds like you’ve got the Tom Jones Syndrome.
Man: Is it common, doctor?
Doctor: Well, ‘It's Not Unusual.’
....tell me when you have had enough!
Complain about this comment
A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "We don't serve string here."
A second piece of string walks into the same bar, and receives the same treatment.
Following this, a third piece of string ruffles up its ends, and walks into the bar.
"Are you a piece of string?"
"No - I'm a frayed knot!"
-oOo-
I wonder if I can get away with this...
How many mac clones does it take to change a lightbulb?
This comment has been referred to the moderators. Explain.
Complain about this comment
.....and there's more...
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
....I can keep this up untill I have to go in for me tea....
Complain about this comment
ooh...mittfh, you are sooo naughty.
DiY :-D
Complain about this comment
VP 295, I heard Danny Thomas perform the lobster joke on TV. Probably in B&W.
Complain about this comment
..not tea time yet, so...
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Complain about this comment
...just a couple more before I close the Helldesk for today and go home for my tea.....
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.
TTFN!
Complain about this comment
I heard George Melly sing the lobster song - not on telly, though, I don't think - probably in Lewisham ...
Complain about this comment
..well that's tea done, Pigs liver on mash with sprouts, leaks and carrots covered in a rich onion gravy!
So...how about...
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. Although the ceremony isn't much, the reception is brilliant.
As two cannibals are eating a clown, one says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy. NOTE. This is an example of Deja Moo, the feeling that you've heard this bull before.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
..right, just off to fire up the dishwasher. I have lost count of how many times I have told her she can't sit down untill the drying up is done as well...
Complain about this comment
DIW - you're on form today!!!!
Complain about this comment
This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.
n-n, glad you are enjoying the form!
Here, have a glass of fermented apple juice. I shan't join you as I am having an 'alcohol free' week!
DiY :-)
Complain about this comment
Mrs DiY has 'encouraged' me to try the spare room tonight!
Complain about this comment
Oh and welcome to PostPostPoster. There is no depression on The Beach and the supply of jokes is endless!
See if these exercise your chuckle muscle...
A man goes into a seafood disco ...and pulls a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak are cold so they light a fire in the boat. As it sinks, it proves yet again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
A group of chess enthusiasts check into a hotel and are standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager goes over to them and asks them to disperse. "But why?" they ask. "Because", he says, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A man sends 20 different puns to his friends hoping that at least 10 of them would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
...see, easy isn't it. Right, now to dig out me old RAF issue 'maggot' and ground mat and give them an airing in the spare room!
Complain about this comment
Did Mrs DiY read your posting about the dishwasher then? I thought you'd been banished for something to do with it being an alcohol free week.
Not really on the ball tonight, am I? Enjoyed the jokes though :-)
Complain about this comment
DiY hahaha you are truly on form on the jokes tonight. Val - are you snowed in?
Complain about this comment
I think DIY may be in the Hut for the night.
Complain about this comment
When politicians get the flu, you never know which way they're going to vote. Sometimes the eyes have it, sometimes the nose.
A lifelong Tory supporter suddenly announced that he was switching to Labour on his deathbed.
"I can't believe you're doing this," said his friend. "For your entire life you've been a staunch Conservative. Why would you now want to become part of Labour?"
"Because I'd rather it was one of them that died than one of us."
Police are investigating an accident in which two trucks loaded with copies of Roget's thesaurus collided as they left a London publishing house. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, shocked, stupefied...
A murder suspect was holed up in his house, surrounded by armed police. With no end to the siege in sight, the officer in charge yelled: "Come on out, or I'll come in there myself and drag you out!"
The suspect shouted back: "I'm warning you. If you don't wipe your feet when you come in, my wife will kill us both!"
Two men were talking about their worst-ever jobs.
"I used to work in a liquorice factory," said one.
"Well," said the other, "it takes all sorts."
A man walked into a bookshop and said: "Can I have a book by Shakespeare?"
"Certainly, sir," replied the salesman. "Which one?"
"William, of course."
A teacher asked her class whether anyone could remember the chemical formula for water.
"Sure," said one student. "It's HIJKLMNO."
"It's what?" said the teacher angrily.
"Well, you told us last week it was H to O."
Complain about this comment
oh dear. eddie must *really* be sick as high tide has not been to wash away the plethora of funnies.
I came down to stock the bar with coffee, pain au choocolat, croissant, pain au raisin and baguette for toasting - all fresh from the boulanger (well execpt the coffee which was brewed chez moi!).
I'll tie it all to a raft and perhaps it will survive the high tide.
Complain about this comment
Noice!
Complain about this comment
View these comments in RSS