Important Public Service Announcement
This is for the gentleman with the 1980s facial hair and foghorn voice who sat behind a group of us at a central London cinema last night:
It's clear to me that some of the rudiments of cinema etiquette are lost on you. Can I help?
Judging by your hugely expensive-looking and classy wardrobe (white tie...huge knot...black shirt) you are probably wealthy beyond most people's wildest expectations, and normally watch films in one of your full-size home cinemas, so perhaps it's understandable that you behaved as if you were alone.
But for the avoidance of doubt, there were other people in the room with you last evening.
I suppose chatting during the ads and trailers isn't too bad, but when the BBFC certificate appears on screen, that really is your sign to to shut your pie hole. It's possible that your "date" (did I see her card in a phone box near the cinema?) was mesmerised by your witty observations throughout the movie - remarks that put us all in mind of the late and much-missed Peter Ustinov. But honestly, we paid 13 quid a time to listen to the work of the people who made the film, rather than you.
I did worry your date may not have enjoyed the best of health, given your incessant efforts to revive her apparently lifeless body with your mouth and tongue. She also appeared to giggle a great deal at your hysterical remarks - yet when the lights went up there was no sign of the lobotomy scar we all assumed must be there.
I hope you find this message helpful. I hope it encourages you to continue visiting the cinema but perhaps with more regard for fellow patrons.
Oh, and you're ugly.