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Apologies for having to

Eddie Mair | 08:00 UK time, Tuesday, 10 April 2007

take some time off. I had a very very very serious illness. Luckily, the BBC has relaxed its normally strict rules and allowed me to tell my story. How I stared death in the face. How it was all just so awful.

What am I bid?


  1. At 08:15 AM on 10 Apr 2007, Fearless Fred wrote:

    Now now, Eddie, over-indulgence in chocolate is not a sickness!

  2. At 08:46 AM on 10 Apr 2007, Big Sister wrote:

    So, you were forced into rehab for four days, eh, Eddie? Caffeine addiction is indeed an extremely serious illness. We hope you have made a full recovery.

    Sequin may well have the address for CAA (Caffeine Addicts Anonymous) or for other support groups for recovering addicts.

    It's a brave first step you've taken. We are here to support you in your struggle against the silent enemy. Hope you enjoyed your Easter Eggs, but do be careful not to trade one addiction for another ......

  3. At 09:14 AM on 10 Apr 2007, Val P wrote:

    I notice that your sparkly colleague is never sick, in fact there she was on Today duty this morning again!I hope you brought her an easter egg?

  4. At 09:18 AM on 10 Apr 2007, Molly wrote:


    Hope .you're all 'tickety boo' again!
    Assume Fifi's strapline is coincidental.


  5. At 09:25 AM on 10 Apr 2007, AndyB wrote:

    Half of what's left of my Kitkat Chunky easter egg?

  6. At 09:47 AM on 10 Apr 2007, witchiwoman wrote:

    I've got a Thorntons egg with my name iced on it.

  7. At 09:49 AM on 10 Apr 2007, Gossipmistress wrote:

    I bid a pair of trainer tamer insoles (only slightly used)

  8. At 10:05 AM on 10 Apr 2007, Belinda wrote:

    I hope that all froggers had a happy Easter, filled with lots of sunshine and chocolate.

  9. At 10:09 AM on 10 Apr 2007, Fifi wrote:

    Nostalgitis : a Very VERY Serious Illness during which the sufferer reverts to the previous September and refuses to come out.

    The ointment doesn't work Eddie. You'll need to take the little brown pills (chocolate buttons) and wash them down with double latte.

    As long as it's medicinal the toxic side-effects should be minimal.

    Fifi, Queen of the Strap ;oD

  10. At 10:56 AM on 10 Apr 2007, b carbery wrote:

    I read whole link.(going to sleep shortly) l also read tuc man's name as brendan behan and thought "I bet he's tricky".Can you self certify?

  11. At 11:04 AM on 10 Apr 2007, Fearless Fred wrote:

    Oh dear, I just mis-read Fifi's strapline, and mistook the "f" for a "t". Deary deary me....

  12. At 11:20 AM on 10 Apr 2007, Fiona wrote:

    funny enough my SO has had to call in sick today..............but I can vouch for him, he is genuinely ill*

    Anyway look forward to reading your story in the News of the World, or some other quality paper, Eddie :)

    * that's "man" ill - in other words according to him he is dying, according to me he is being a big baby!

  13. At 11:33 AM on 10 Apr 2007, Peter Jones wrote:

    Well it depends, if your story involved a navigational error which caused you to stray into the territorial waters of the Today programme, being held hostage and interrogated by John Humphrys, it could be worth as much as £3.50. Video footage of you in a headscarf would enhance things considerably however.

  14. At 11:37 AM on 10 Apr 2007, The Stainless Steel Cat wrote:


    In another press statement the CBI expressed disappointment that many employees spend as much time sleeping per day as they do working.

    "This behaviour costs bosses over £300 billion a year in profits. Clearly people aren't drinking enough caffeine. (Eddie Mair excepted.)" said a spokesman. He continued, "And don't get us started on weekends!"

    The spokesman then emptied the reporter's pockets of all loose change and forced him to wash his car.

  15. At 12:31 PM on 10 Apr 2007, Gossipmistress wrote:

    FFred (11) - a bit like the missing consonant cartoon of Andrew L***d W****r writing another hit musical?

  16. At 12:39 PM on 10 Apr 2007, admin annie wrote:

    Peter - very funny. I laughed out loud.Thanks.

  17. At 01:50 PM on 10 Apr 2007, Humph wrote:

    Actually FFred (11) I read Fifi's (9) as Queen of the STROP. I wonder if Stephen is aware.


  18. At 03:17 PM on 10 Apr 2007, Fifi wrote:

    Humph (17) : Now now, we don't want to start any rumours do we?

    Not till I've had a chance to find out whether there's a vacancy for a monarch on Pluto, anyway....?

    I'd look daft in a tiara though.


  19. At 03:46 PM on 10 Apr 2007, Fifi wrote:

    The Stainless Steel Cat : are, there you are! Will you please email me, so I can whisper in your cute pointy ear?

    There's a bowl of cream in it for you...

    or WD40 if you'd rather.


    (Other proprietary lubricants are available.)

  20. At 03:47 PM on 10 Apr 2007, Adrian Denning wrote:

    Dear Eddie

    Bearing in mind your illness and realising how short you must therefore be of material for today's show, I've done some research for you.

    After hearing earlier in the day about the makespace website where pupils rate their teachers' performance, I chanced to have a look at my old grammar school (now a High).

    Mr********* was rated as follows, and I quote: "Absolutely beltin love him 2bits bit pevey but aint every1! love him love him love him and love him some more!

    Well, so much for education!


  21. At 05:56 PM on 10 Apr 2007, Aperitif wrote:

    Ah chums, I'll tell you all the story for nothing! Eric has been lovesick and spent the whole weekend being adorable to me, as we took a Briget-Jones-styley "Mini-break" somewhere lovely and warm... Or maybe that was a dream I had during my big Easter Sunday lie in... :-/

  22. At 06:36 PM on 10 Apr 2007, Marginalbear wrote:

    Could the dear lady Fifi offering a can of WD40 to the Stainless Steel Cat please enlighten me [assuming of course that I haven't committed a transgender moment.]?
    What do you intend to do with it? I've used it for loosening screws and even lubricated a sprocket of two with it, but I've an inkling that more use could be made of this valuable material. Does it prevent swarf in metal cats for instance? Is it a vital aid in hoot lowering?
    Didn't I read on a can once you could use it to ease the pain in your joints? Or are these urban myths?

    If you don't ask you'll never know will you?

  23. At 10:45 PM on 10 Apr 2007, Aperitif wrote:

    In the spirit of 'if you don't ask you'll never know' -- Marginalbear, what is 'hoot lowering' please?

  24. At 11:27 PM on 10 Apr 2007, nikki noodle wrote:

    (23) appe, surely you've come across 'hoot lowering' before?!

    It's when you've got your left-hand double sprung sprocket gimlock stuck somewhere down below the right-hand rack-and-pinion rachet groove, and the lubricating oil will ease them in together.

    It's called 'hoot' because when you're through, you invariably leap up, going, (and I quote) :

    "oo oo oo ooo ooooooo!"


  25. At 01:45 AM on 11 Apr 2007, Frances O wrote:

    Big end's gone, nn. Will W* 40 help?

  26. At 01:47 AM on 11 Apr 2007, Frances O wrote:

    Oh, and Peter Jones (are you the well-known shop in Sloane Square? If so, I need a new light shade) (hmm, isn't that an oxymoron?

    Loved it!

  27. At 08:09 AM on 11 Apr 2007, Marginalbear wrote:

    Francis O, a light shade of what?

    Did I misread it? Haven't some owls lowered the pitch of their hoots? I'm sure my wrens and thrushes are twice as loud than they used to be.

    And could anyone tell me what bopomofo is?

  28. At 10:57 AM on 11 Apr 2007, Aperitif wrote:

    Indeed they have Marginalbear (27) -- I'd completely forgotten about that, hence my confusion. So does that mean Nikki Noodle was having me on? Oh shame -- it sounded quite facsinating! LOL.

    Frances (26) hahaha!

    Bopomofo? Wasn't that a Tele Tubbie?

  29. At 08:29 PM on 11 Apr 2007, nikki noodle wrote:

    (25) If your Big End's gone, then I think you'd better get in touch with RJD - he knows where to get supplies of Harvesters :-)

    If bogof is Buy One Get One Free

    Then bopomofo could be Buy One Pay Over Much; Object & get Free Offer ?

    Oh, that hoot lowering ! twit.


  30. At 12:26 AM on 13 Apr 2007, Val P wrote:

    A big Appystyley PU-USH!

  31. At 01:36 AM on 13 Apr 2007, Aperitif wrote:

    Oh dear Valery -- looks like you're going to have to go for a rewrite :-/

  32. At 10:40 PM on 15 Apr 2007, Val P wrote:

    Hmmm, can't remember what it was that didn't appear, some variation on the bopomofo. Must have been exceptionally good, because I can't remember it :o)

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