Let the Healing Begin
is, as you know, my slogan for my campaign to become the next Chairman, or if you prefer, Chair of the BBC.
Over the coming weeks I will be fleshing out (stealing from other people) the very best ideas for the future of this august corporation.
I am now ready to announce, in reverse alphabetical order, three random proposals.
1: Revive some of the BBC's best-loved classics with new presenters. "Civilisation" with Robert Mugabe. "The Black and White Minstrel Show" with Robert Mugabe and another presenter, TBC. Film 76, with Barry Norman.
2: Begin to shift the balance between BBC News and Weather. People love the weather forecast but find the news depressing, despite the forecast being more depressing than the news. propose that, for example, PM becomes 57 minutes of weather news and analysis, followed by a brief 90 second summary of the news, followed by a trail for a programme offering deep analysis of the weather tonight at 8.
3: Apply a policy of taking radios away from the stupid people. Take this comment telephoned in about Friday's PM. I have not made it up:
"Felt that Eddie Mair made offensive comments about Manchester. "Eddie Mair claimed that when Mancunians go to their new casino it will be the first time they have seen fruit. This was obviously a rude remark referring to the diet of people in Manchester.""
In fact, the comment was made by the lovely Sandi Toksvig on The News Quiz later on Friday evening - a comment I heard myself as I was being driven home in the BBC Limo. I've been called many things in my time, and I bet Ms Toksvig has too. But to be confused with each other is too much. If I become Chairman, or Chair, if you will, prats like that caller will be hunted down and their radios taken away. They will be given instead, small white carrier bags full of old bread crumbs so they can feed the pigeons in the street, while mumbling their rubbish to themselves. Either that or I will appoint them to the BBC Board of Management.