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Alarming

Eddie Mair | 09:53 UK time, Wednesday, 14 February 2007

to realise that I'm three espressos a day away from Robbie Williams' intake. Mind you I could do with the time off.

Now listen, we love the abuse we sometimes get on the "listeners' (or is it listener's) log" of things people have phoned up to say about our programme. By and large we deserve it. But someone called after last night's programme with what I can only assume was sarcasm:

"Felt that the programme was excellent. "I feel that today's programme is a very good example of BBC reporting at its very best."

I mean, really.

Most importantly, we have now opened the chocolates some kind listener sent. Very posh and lovely. We may have to force some down this afternoon*. Whoever you are - we love you too.


*this morning, really

Comments

  1. At 10:06 AM on 14 Feb 2007, Fifi wrote:

    My fearsome primary school teacher Mrs Barnfather would allow sweets in class but only if shared with everyone.

    Pass the box please!

    Fifi ;o)

  2. At 10:08 AM on 14 Feb 2007, Valery p wrote:

    Don't self-deprecate Eddie - you know fine well that you have multiple listeners, even if we do hurl brickbats at you most of the time. So it's Listeners' Log. Just watch we don't hurl the Log next time too.....

    PS Thank you so much for the chocolates you sent me, I've just unwrapped them. All that red cellophane and those glittery hearts - gosh you shouldn't have. As I've just said elsewhere, I'd like to have the time to thank each and every one of you, but I'm told by my etiquette adviser, that it's just not The Done Thing.
    munch, munch
    They taste a great deal better than the hat I had to eat yesterday because that post did go through first time! Thanks for that.

  3. At 10:19 AM on 14 Feb 2007, jonnie wrote:

    Be careful with those chocolates.

    Did I ever tell you about a Sherbert Fountain we received once. It was full of Tinaderm powder!

    Listeners are good with syringes -- check the packaging ;-)

    And enjoy ....... for they may be your last!

  4. At 10:25 AM on 14 Feb 2007, Big Sister wrote:

    If I'd known, I'd have sent you something nice, too. But, coming from me, you might have mistaken it for a letter bomb.

    So, instead, a verse (to the tune of My Love is Like a Red Red Rose):

    My love is like a Teddy Bear
    Who wears a rugby shirt;
    His name is Mr. Eddie Mair
    And he is very cute.
    He comes into my life each day
    And gives me all his news,
    And on his daily Blog I learn
    More of his humourous views.

    My love is like dear Rabbie's verse
    Alive with vim and wit,
    And, though his Blog is something worse,
    I don't blame him for it.
    He comes into my life each day
    From 5 o clock til six,
    And opens windows in my world
    (For I live in the sticks!)

    My love is like a violin
    Which plays a lively tune
    Whose notes can make my poor heart sing
    When I am filled with gloom.
    Though speaking from the White City
    He brings his world so near
    That every frogger will agree
    He fills us all with cheer.

  5. At 10:33 AM on 14 Feb 2007, whisky-joe wrote:

    To: Eddie and PM,

    Felt the programme yesterday was excellent. The programme was a very good example of BBC reporting at its very best.

    Really.

  6. At 10:58 AM on 14 Feb 2007, witchiwoman wrote:

    Jonnie - do you really believe a frogger to be capable of such things?

  7. At 11:04 AM on 14 Feb 2007, Dozy Parker wrote:

    Lionel Barrymore to Greta Garbo when she had agreed to give up her relationship with his son: “Gawd bless yew, Marguerite Goad-i-ay!” (Camille)

  8. At 11:22 AM on 14 Feb 2007, Big Sister wrote:

    Val P - I sent Eddie a poem, but the moderators obviously love it so much that they've kept it for themselves! Pass me a choccie, do.

  9. At 11:33 AM on 14 Feb 2007, Dr. Barista wrote:

    If you are taking your coffee at espresso level of concentration, Mr. Mair, can it be any surprise that you cannot sleep? May I offer the friendly advice that you switch to latte, which will sooth your cravings in a kinder way?

    Alternatively, and if the infusions are a necessary device to maintain the openness of the eyelid, a far less harmful alternative may be to apply matchsticks as a prop.

    What are you guys up to in White City? It's all uppers and downers.

  10. At 11:45 AM on 14 Feb 2007, jonnie wrote:

    No - Not a Frogger withchiwoman. In fact - anything that's wrapped will, I'm sure be okay.

    An ex-presenter in London who I used to produce used to get loads of home-made goodies sent in. Unfortunately we had a policy to chuck them in the bin.

    On the air, we'd make complimentary remarks about how lovely Joan from Romfords 'Rock cakes' were. ... one of the nice thing about radio - I guess!

    We once had an open day and (I'm not kidding) had you seen the state of some of our listeners, you'd wash your hands after touching the wrapping paper. Others were lovely of course.

  11. At 11:57 AM on 14 Feb 2007, Simon Worrall wrote:

    All those fans of Yvonne's pictures from France out there?

    There was some speculation as to whether Hugh and Yvonne were browsing the Frog and checking all the comments made about their contributions. Hugh actually DID take a leap onto the Blog, as 'Hugh the Hack', taking and answering questions about China, as most of you will recall. But what about Yvonne?

    Wait no longer. Eddie has apparently induced Yvonne to frog, commenting on her trip to France.

    Find her at her last thread;
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/pm/2007/02/our_france_team_yvonne_and_sab.shtml

    Post 17 on that thread. let her know how much we value her contribution. Who knows, we might induce her to become a regular.

    Si.

  12. At 11:59 AM on 14 Feb 2007, Little Miss Poppy wrote:

    Eddie,

    Did you get any valentines "surprises" this morning? The only surprise I had this morning was a text off my Mum telling me not to worry and that I'm safe, Bernard Matthews is only killing young birds with firm breasts! My Mum sure knows how to put people in a good mood for the day!

  13. At 12:21 PM on 14 Feb 2007, Ed Iglehart wrote:

    At least we're not as bad as the Americans!

    Or are we on the same road, but just a wee bit behind?
    xx
    ed

  14. At 12:23 PM on 14 Feb 2007, Stewart M wrote:

    Jhonnie (10). In these days of web cams you can't just pretend you are eating the rock cakes. The Policy will have to be no food or drink in the studio.

    So eddie's glass of gin will have to be left with his producer. Unless thats already happening hence the blof probs :-)

  15. At 12:30 PM on 14 Feb 2007, gossipmistress wrote:

    We get given lots of goodies at work (vet surgery) and have the policy of only consuming wrapped goods unless we can establish the origin to our own satisfaction - on the basis that the state of the patient or its' basket reflects the hygiene standard in the kitchen......


    I wonder if the Test Match Special team really do eat all those cakes sent in by listeners? Or are cricket fans known for their spotless kitchens?

  16. At 01:05 PM on 14 Feb 2007, Fifi wrote:

    My Valentine's surprise, other than that my SO remembered at all with no reminding, was a Meat Loaf CD!

    What is he trying to say, I wonder?

    Happy burpday Annassee, by the way...

    Fifi ;o)

  17. At 01:16 PM on 14 Feb 2007, Gillian wrote:

    Big Sister(4) Wonderful! Well done! As this seems to be The day for a ''poyem'' here's one by way of reply to Dr Barista(9)

    ''You'll be greeted
    by a nice cup of coffee
    when you get to heaven
    and strains of melodic harmony.

    But wouldn't you be devastated
    if they only serve decaffeinated
    while from the percolators of hell

    your soul was assaulted
    by Satan's fresh espresso smell?

    by John Agard

  18. At 01:29 PM on 14 Feb 2007, witchiwoman wrote:

    Jonnie (10)

    Imagine a room full of froggers - what a delightful sight!!

  19. At 01:31 PM on 14 Feb 2007, Mae Tron wrote:

    I got that one too Little Miss P. Oh that it were tongue in cheek.......
    My recent favourite was one from my frind Mike which ran as follows.

    "THE ALIENS ARE COMING! THE ALIENS ARE COMING! They are coming to take all the good looking and intelligent people with them. You are not at risk. I am just contacting you to say goodbye!"

    As you can see there is a theme developing. I have pulled my self esteem up to chin level in defence.....

    M x

  20. At 01:32 PM on 14 Feb 2007, Big Sister wrote:

    Is somebody having a larf down there at the Beeb?

    WatO was produced by ENOS KNIBBS today?

    Lissa, your cat is on AWOL. Or somebody is playing a prank. I did detect a bit of a giggle in the announcer's voice as he said it ....

    Eddie, can you investigate, please? (it'll give you something to occupy your time in between espressos)

  21. At 01:33 PM on 14 Feb 2007, Aunt Dahlia wrote:

    GMx at 13 approx

    NO

  22. At 01:47 PM on 14 Feb 2007, Big Sister wrote:

    Newsletter arrived safely in West Sussex, Eddie, at 13.42. Looking forward to the new logo ....

    Has that, too, been designed by Enos Knibbs? And was Lissa's disappearance linked to the £7m cost of said logo?

    Some cat, huh?

  23. At 02:23 PM on 14 Feb 2007, Big Sister wrote:

    I see the Blog is still unstable, so I'll have to clarify my reference to Mr. Knibbs. Listening to the end of World at One today, the announcer gave the producer of today's broadcast as Enos Knibbs. Who, as we all know, is Lissa's cat.

    Somebody, somewhere, has got to explain this to me and other confused froggers.

    (And I'm not pulling any legs - It really was Enos Knibbs!)

  24. At 03:22 PM on 14 Feb 2007, witchiwoman wrote:

    What a great name for a cat....mine is saddled with Liana Cakes; not sure that sounds producery enough to compete!

  25. At 03:27 PM on 14 Feb 2007, The Stainless Steel Cat wrote:

    Big Sister (23):

    Boo! The "Listen Again" feature (other methods of listening to the radio are available) cuts off before we hear Mr. Knibbs' mention.

    Re: The New PM Logo mentioned in the newsletter:

    I only have an old black and white radio - will I be able to get the full benefit of this new logo?

    (There's been drizzly rain in my area within the last few days, so my Digital DAB radio is, of course, out of action, unless this morning's Today programme really was presented by Dalek chipmunks.)

  26. At 03:53 PM on 14 Feb 2007, Big Sister wrote:

    SSC: Yep, but I wasn't the only one to hear it. Aunt D on the Beach had also observed the jape.

  27. At 04:19 PM on 14 Feb 2007, Big Sister wrote:

    Listen Again to the beginning of Lenny and Will - That's where Mr. Knibbs is lurking.

  28. At 04:23 PM on 14 Feb 2007, gossipmistress wrote:

    Big Sis (20) I can verify that I heard Enos Knibbs too!

  29. At 04:37 PM on 14 Feb 2007, Fearless Fred wrote:

    I can add confirmation for Mr Knibbs as well.

  30. At 05:50 PM on 14 Feb 2007, Bedd Gelert wrote:

    No, we're not being cheeky, this week has been a 'purple patch' for PM. I forgot to say what a good feature you had from the Chinese 'Longbridge', complete with Brummies.

    ACE !!!

    Apologies to your editor - I thought it was Peter Rippon, but apparently our praise must to go to somebody called Jeremy something-or-other, but he does keep a low profile.

    Please ask him if your China correspondent can pay a visit to the Pandas ?

    Or maybe bring the Baby Pandas to Birmingham?

  31. At 06:00 PM on 14 Feb 2007, Enos Knibbs, Sir wrote:

    Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.............

  32. At 06:01 PM on 14 Feb 2007, Molly wrote:

    Eddie- please may I have the 'nutty cluster' which always gets left in the box?

    No-one likes nuttys but I LOVE them!

    Thinking about it, I suppose they're far too posh to have n.cs anyway.....but if they do....!

    Starlight Walks on the cards on PM then!!Hey ho!!!!

    Mollyxxx

  33. At 08:23 PM on 14 Feb 2007, madmary wrote:

    Happy Valentines Eddie! Will you be mine?

    Mary

  34. At 11:13 PM on 14 Feb 2007, gossipmistress wrote:

    My friend made a Velntine's card for her husband today out of an M&S advert with 2 large prawns on. She wrote

    'This isn't just a Valentine, it's an M&S Valentine'

    and inside:

    'Roses are Red
    Violets are blue
    Buy me M&S food
    & I'll love you'

    ..and he did ;-)

  35. At 11:45 PM on 14 Feb 2007, Valery p wrote:

    Clever lady. Not only that, I'm sure she could sell the idea to M & S, GM. Apparently they may currently be in the market to buy S*insb*rys?

  36. At 06:03 AM on 15 Feb 2007, The Stainless Steel Cat wrote:

    Roses are red,
    Violets are purple,
    Too late for Valentine's day,
    So I won't bother to make this rhyme or even scan.

    A. Motion eat your heart out!

    (BTW, What or who are Arctic Monkeys?)

  37. At 08:15 AM on 15 Feb 2007, Fearless Fred wrote:

    Nice one, SSC! It's like the congratulations card for the colour-blind person who's about to start work as a Florist:

    Roses are red
    Violet are blue

  38. At 10:24 AM on 15 Feb 2007, Vyle Hernia wrote:

    Gelert's spot (30)

    I missed the Longbridge item. Is that where they are making the Chinese Marina?

  39. At 11:15 AM on 15 Feb 2007, The Stainless Steel Cat wrote:

    Thanks FF. Here's another version:

    Roses are red,
    Violets are purple,
    And now while drinking water,
    Splurf-gurgle-blub-murple!

  40. At 12:07 PM on 15 Feb 2007, Aperitif wrote:

    SSCat (36), I dunno, but I bet they look good on the dancefloor.

  41. At 12:41 PM on 15 Feb 2007, Fifi wrote:

    SSCat : I think they may be a popular beat combo.

    Personally I lost interest after Adam dumped his Ants.

    Fifi ;o)

  42. At 01:46 PM on 15 Feb 2007, Humph wrote:

    It had been a long day at the zoo. I know that that is an over use of adjectives. Any day at the zoo is, by definition, long. 30 seconds at the zoo would be a long 30 seconds. I think that it is something to do with the way that zoos are built. The reason that I chose to emphasise it here is that wanted you to feel some sense of sympathy for Mrs. Henderson. After all, she does deserve it. So . . .

    It had been a long day at the zoo. This was the day when the year 2 pupils of St. Michael’s & the dragonslayer were to visit the zoo in order to improve their education. The “improve their education” bit basically means that it gave all the other teachers a day off to recuperate and the caretaker some more time to replace the light-bulbs and windows in their two classrooms and to mend the teachers desk in room 2B! Mrs. Henderson missed out on the day off by drawing the short straw or, more accurately, by choosing the wrong time to go to the loo during the staff meeting. She would know better for next year and spend the next twelve months perfecting her crossing-her-legs technique. Incidentally, the “& the dragonslayer” is not actually part of the school’s real name but refers to the headmistress, Miss Fotherington-Barker, whom it was believed could slay a dragon just by tapping it on the shoulder. Nothing was ever seen of St. Michael. Rumour had it that he was afraid of Miss Fotherington-Barker and I, for one, could not blame him.

    It had been a long day at the zoo. Mrs. Henderson’s instructions had been to get the children to see as many animals in the day, and to make a note of which animals they had seen. Things had not started too well when they went to the cages where the big cats were housed. Mrs. Henderson’s plan was to get the “dear little darlings” scared by the lions and then threaten any bad behavior with a return to the lion cage. However, it seemed that it was siesta time for lions and who is going to be scared of lump of sleeping fur? Some stones were thrown at the lion but this failed to rouse him and Mrs. Henderson desisted when she saw one of the keepers approach. Next attempt was the reptile house to look at the snakes. Again nothing seemed interested in giving the slightest movement although this time Mrs. Henderson decided not to attempt the stone throwing. Partly because the snakes were in glass houses but mostly because the local keeper was in the reptile house keeping warm.

    The morning continued like this with cage after cage of “scary” somnolent creatures. The only animals that showed any movement at all were the meerkats. Mrs. Henderson was wondering whether to make up stories about how meerkats’ favorite food was little children’s knee-caps or start threatening a return to the pachyderm area in time for the elephants’ “roll over in their sleep”. When they went into the ape house, Mrs. Henderson pointed out the marmosets inside one of the cages. “Look, children, do you see those apes?” she asked. The keeper, who happened to be standing nearby, said “No, no, no, madam. They are not apes. They are monkeys.” “Are, tick monkeys.” Mrs. Henderson told her children.

    SSC (36) I am afraid that this is the only understanding of what “are tick monkeys” means. Other definitions may exist; but I do not know them.

    H.

  43. At 01:57 PM on 15 Feb 2007, Vyle Hernia wrote:

    Are you sure are tick monkeys aren't those men in trucks who take it in turn to pull a few yards ahead on dual carriageways?

  44. At 02:13 PM on 15 Feb 2007, Aunt Dahlia wrote:

    HUMPH!!!!!!
    ROFL

  45. At 04:34 PM on 15 Feb 2007, RJD wrote:

    SSC (36) & Humph (42)

    I used to visit my grandparents’ house in the countryside many years ago. It was a rambling affair, much too large for them and had a lot of rooms that they never used. They were a quite religious pair – not preachy or anything like that – just quietly devout.

    By some means or other they had come to an arrangement with the monastery a few miles away to host, on an occasional basis, some of the Monastery Order. I think the idea was, to permit members of the Order some time away from the community, either to assess their vocation or maybe even as a release from the everyday routine – I honestly don’t know.

    Whatever the reason, when one of the Order would arrive, and it was always only one staying at any time, they confined themselves to the upper reaches of the house – right up in the attic. The attic must have been totally self-contained because they were never seen nor heard for the duration of their stay. Occasionally, one could faintly hear them singing in the evening – a beautiful Gregorian chant.

    It was something that none of their neighbours knew about and my grandparents preferred to keep the arrangement to themselves, never talking about it to anybody outside the immediate family.

    On one occasion, and it must have been summer because I had been staying with them for a couple of weeks, they had some visitors in. After dinner my grandparents and the visitors were sitting around quietly chatting when very faintly, a Greogrian chant in a beautiful tenor voice, softly permeated the house. My grandparents carried on chatting as before.

    Some time passed without comment but eventually the woman visitor turned to my grandmother and said “I’m sure I can hear some one singing. Have you some other relatives staying?”

    Mr Grandmother responded “Perhaps a radio. There are no other family members in the house”

    Unfortunately, I hadn’t yet learnt to hold my tongue when visitors to the house came and blurted out “But there is somebody singing.” and went on:
    " Attic Monk – He is!"

  46. At 07:31 PM on 15 Feb 2007, Humph wrote:

    RJD (45)

    LOL. But when Grandmother said:

    "There are no other family members in the house."

    surely that was a brother? :-)

    H.

  47. At 09:20 PM on 15 Feb 2007, RJD wrote:

    Humph - Good point! And depending on the Order he could have been a Father!

  48. At 11:24 PM on 15 Feb 2007, Aperitif wrote:

    Monks fathering their own brothers in the attic??!! I hereby disapprove!!

  49. At 11:22 AM on 17 Feb 2007, Aunt Dahlia wrote:

    Wouldn't it be brass monkeys in the attic - it would in ours?

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