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Psssst

Eddie Mair | 12:56 UK time, Thursday, 31 August 2006

I have a clip on my desktop today, sent by a colleague, of Charlotte Green saying "Satan's homosexual lover". It must have been from earlier on Radio 4. Sadly there are no grown-ups around or I would post it here for your enjoyment. I need their help to make that happen. Remind me tomorrow.

Fiona, today's "number 2" is singing, badly, the theme to The Sopranos all day. Right words, we believe, but the tune is way off. We're thinking of having her whacked.

The story of the CNN anchor who left her mike on in the loo and talked all over a live address by President Bush reminds me of a (perhaps apocryphal) story about a well known TV and radio presenter. Older woman. Butter wouldn't melt sort of image. Lovely woman by all accounts.

The story goes that in the "mixed" toilets (of which there are a few at Broadcasting House), the said TV star was seen entering a cubicle. Several others were occupied. Presently, from one of them came the most almighty, appalling, shocking stream of noises. You know. Just awful, apparently. Endless rasping and associated parps. It went on and on for what seemed like an age, according to the witness. What must the poor person have eaten? Was he or she OK? Who could survive such an outpouring??? On and on it went, sounding like something from the depths of hell.

When it finally, finally stopped there was a ghastly hush. An eerie, becalmed silence.
After a moment, the TV star could clearly be heard enquiring: "is that you, Maureen?"

Comments

  1. At 01:04 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Harrison wrote:

    You paint a sound picture. I could almost be there.

    To change the subject, if someone was to download a clip from a Benny Hill show, of say, a scantily clad lovely slapping the little old bloke on the head, would they be arrested for looking at violent naughtiness?

    Who would decide?

  2. At 01:19 PM on 31 Aug 2006, anne wrote:

    so this s/b number 1. reverting to yesterday's topic, since I can think of nothing to say in the face of Eddie's admittedly long story about an annonymous TV star, what I saw from my window this morning. 3 RAF tornados playing at bombing and fighting. Did I find this exciting? No I found it too b****y loud. Why can't they go away and play over London, no-one would notice the noise there.

  3. At 01:20 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Gareth aged 13 ¾ wrote:

    So that’s what grown-ups are for.

    Can’t wait

  4. At 01:21 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Jean Allison (Mrs) wrote:

    My goodness me, this Blog lark does'nt get any better does it? Is this really all we can expect from the 5th most powerful person in British radio?

  5. At 01:23 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Jean Allison (Mrs) wrote:

    My goodness me, this blog lark does'nt get any better does it? Is this really all we can expect from the 5th most powerful person in British radio?

  6. At 01:23 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Ed Iglehart wrote:

    Any interest in this, which seems to have slipped off the headlines. I wonder why?
    http://search.bbc.co.uk/cgi-bin/search/results.pl?q=cluster+lebanon+un&x=0&y=0&scope=all&edition=d&tab=all&recipe=all

    Will it get a mention on PM?
    xx
    ed

  7. At 01:27 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Stephen, Leader of STROP wrote:

    There is also the story of the Priest who, in the early days of radio mikes, forgot to remove it before hearing confession.

    Of course the confessor had to be admitting to adultery while his wife was sat in the church.

    I wonder if that one is true either...

    SB 2

  8. At 01:45 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Valery Pedant wrote:

    Good grief Sir Eric, that was a bit of an outpouring. Clever idea though, divert the attention elsewhere, now would that be prestidigitation or ventriloquism - or just plain chancing it?

    Harrison - who would know? (or care)

    SB 2

  9. At 01:45 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Fearless Fred wrote:

    It's all too easy to imagine the scene you describe. What a lovely image to have as I'm eating my lunch!

    Good question from Harrison in post 1. Who is going to decide the point at which a line has been crossed? What constitutes "too violent" and how will this test be applied to, say, still images? Can we expect to see a similar law regarding other violent images not related to pornography? If not, why not? Where does this leave horror films? This is, I fear, another example of a headline-grabbing piece of legislation that hasn't been thought through properly....

    SB#2 (but won't be, I'm sure!)

  10. At 01:51 PM on 31 Aug 2006, David McNickle wrote:

    Eddie,
    If things get a bit slack on PM today, you could always tell that story.

    Also, read Lynne Truss on the use of commas.

  11. At 02:01 PM on 31 Aug 2006, barkwater wrote:

    I love to know how Kyra and her "control freak" sister-in-law get along when they next get together....

  12. At 02:06 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Ian W wrote:

    The definition of what constitutes violent porn is discussed in another BBC blog at http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/theeditors/index.html Does violent porn ban S&M?

  13. At 02:08 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Sara wrote:

    Hello again everyone. I've been too busy to look out of the window or comment on blogs lately.

    But I'm worried about this clip Eddie mentions. Does it contain any images of a certain kind? In which case, please don't post it here or I might get arrested.

    SB11 or thereabouts.

  14. At 02:08 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Ian W wrote:

    I note the blog is written at about the same time each day - presumably during a well earned lunchbreak. What are you eating whilst composing it?

    I wnder who can see the furthest through their window on a clear day. What's the furthest object you could see?

  15. At 02:08 PM on 31 Aug 2006, man in highbury wrote:

    Eddie

    I'm rather looking forward to tomorrow now - something to wake up for instead of the drudge of taking the no 21 to work - Charlotte Green saying 'Satan's homosexual lover'.... Could you use this instead of the birdsong the next time Big Ben's bongs get switched off, do you think? As a homosexual myself, I believe this would provide us with some rather apt coverage, beating what they're doing on 'The Archers'....

  16. At 02:10 PM on 31 Aug 2006, ian wrote:

    Seeing as you have influence over Charlotte Green, could you ask her to stop saying "twenty oh six" instead of "two thousand and six". I don't know why buy I find it irrationally, incredibly irritating.

  17. At 02:15 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Stephen, Leader of STROP wrote:

    David (#10

    You're being a bit mean to Eddie. Clearly he was destracted by the Charlotte recording. Is it any wonder he didn't check his Truss before blogging

  18. At 02:16 PM on 31 Aug 2006, John W wrote:

    Hum, the recent comments isn't lying, people are still blogging away in DPM and trees, windows etc. But when you go back there the calendar seems to change (not possible to link back to today's entry). Hope eddie doesn't put yet another blog in today, or it'll be chaos.

    Gareth aged 13 3/4, (No 3) if I need some new techno job doing - learn how to use an ipod or whatever, I always turn to the next generation, who will, with a fair amount of dramatics, ("I cannot believe... it's sooooo easy really.....") do the necessary. What Eddie really meant was that he needed a teenager (or younger) around to put the clip on the web, not a grown-up.

    SB12

  19. At 02:23 PM on 31 Aug 2006, incognito wrote:

    The Drax protest has thrown me a little. I don't propose to understand how far reaching the electricty produced by the station extends (must be quite far though, it's a rather large one) but do the protestors not partake in the consumption of electricity within their homes?

  20. At 02:24 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Susie wrote:

    Pot noodle for lunch and now stories about poop. Can this afternoon get any worse? :)

  21. At 02:26 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Bob Hail wrote:

    Charlotte Green, she can say just about anything and make it at once sexy and serious...

  22. At 02:28 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Ed Iglehart wrote:

    * At 01:45 PM on 31 Aug 2006,
    * Valery Pedant wrote:

    Good grief Sir Eric, that was a bit of an outpouring.

    Was that reflexive or intentional?
    xx
    ed

  23. At 02:31 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Valery Pedant wrote:

    andycr? - Tom says clodhopper is acid techno, Song 2 is industrial, just thought I'd mention it. EMBRACE chat, folks, talk amongst yourselves.

    SB11

    Lynne Truss - now there's a woman who talks sense.

  24. At 02:33 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Stephen, Leader of STROP wrote:

    Hmm

    I think I need to by a dictionary. Apologies for the spelling of "distracted" in #17.

    I will now beat myself with a copy of "Eats, Shoots and Leaves" as punishment

  25. At 02:41 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Simon Blake wrote:

    "I wnder who can see the furthest through their window on a clear day. What's the furthest object you could see?"

    On a clear day I can see an object a little over ninety million miles away.

    Not today though.

    ---

    "Satan's homosexual lover" is of course a reference to Saddam Hussein, as anyone who remembers the 1999 "South Park" movie will attest.

  26. At 02:42 PM on 31 Aug 2006, anne wrote:

    oh Ian at 16 I do soooooooooo agree. Twenty o six is really irritating.

    I was going to say one of the most irritating things on R4, but then I remembered Veg Talk, You and Yours, Just a Minute, that thing with the guy who is supposed to be a stage doorkeeper - is that really meant to be funny???- all those programs where people go for a walk, how on earth is that meant to work on Radio guys?, Woman's Hour at least 50% of the time.........can't go any further, too depressing.

    But 20 o six is definitely up there.

  27. At 02:46 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Adam IC2eyes wrote:

    Wasnt "Satan's homosexual lover". Saddam Hussein in the South Park movie?

  28. At 02:52 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Roberto Carlos Alvarez-Galloso,CPUR wrote:

    I thought the CNN [as well as the Bush] Open Mic comments were funny. The BBC Loo Incident reminded me of a class that I took in order to sit for the Examinations in Medical Administration [called Utilization Review].

    Apparently, the Professor forgot to turn off her microphone and proceeded to blow her nose. It sounded like a flatulence of 10 minutes duration. After the ten minutes, her assistant reminded the Professor that she forgit to turn off the microphone. All of my nerves disappeared. It seemed like yesterday although it ocurred on March 1997.

  29. At 02:58 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Daffers wrote:

    Re Charlotte's pronunciation. I clearly remember Charlotte giving a full and completely understandable reason for her choice around the Millennium. Perhaps you could look it up?

  30. At 03:05 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Dr Hackenbush wrote:

    SB29

    Jean (4) - So Mr Eric Blair is the fifth most powerful person in radio? How much can he lift in one sitting, and how many places behind ‘Bruiser’ Brian Perkins does that put him?

    Ian (16) and Anne (26) - You’re right, as she should really be saying, ‘twenty-zero-six’.

    Stephen (24) - will no doubt soon apologise for the spelling of ‘buy’.

    Dr Hackenbush will get his coat.

  31. At 03:14 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Tim.C wrote:

    someone said "The Drax protest has thrown me a little. I don't propose to understand how far reaching the electricty produced by the station extends (must be quite far though, it's a rather large one) but do the protestors not partake in the consumption of electricity within their homes?"


    I didn't here about that, but it reminded me of a fun thing to do.


    Next time some moans on and on about mobile phone mast killing their kids etc, say something like "Wow, I'd like to talk more about that, I'll give you a ring. Wwhat's your mobile number?"

    You then have the choice of a silent smug grin, or actually moving in for the big kill !!

    I know - I'm really mean - but it's fun !!

    I have yet to find anyone that complains about mobile phone masts that hasn't got a mobile phone !


    I have more of these argument winners, but I'll save them for later.

    Tim.C

    (should be #29)

  32. At 03:15 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Tim.C wrote:

    Wehey.

    It's dropped another load of posts.

    Apparently this one should be #20 !!!!!!


    Where do they go ???

    I can understand the delay in them appearing, but they shouldn't appear then disappear again.

    I wonder if they all come back, or just most of them.


    "I counted them all out, and I counted them all back"

    Tim.C

  33. At 03:22 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Dr Hackenbush wrote:

    I think I need to lie down. I have just responded to comments 24 and 26, among others, and yet there are now only 19 comments in this section. If I offended some of you, I only barely meant it...

    SB20?

  34. At 03:32 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Fearless Fred wrote:

    Dr Hackenbush, I think you need to realise that the removal of posts is probably just a sanity clause from the PTB

  35. At 03:35 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Sara wrote:

    I would give up, Dr Hackenbush (thought he was #20, may actually be #33). According to the calculator at the top which Lissa said was now better, there are no comments at all.

  36. At 03:47 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Dr Hackenbush wrote:

    SB36

    Fred (34) - Ah, you no fool me...

    Sara (35) - I have no technical remedies for the calculator but would say this to it, ‘get better soon’.

  37. At 03:48 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Mark Drew wrote:

    If you want to blame someone for the noise in the loo try http://www.blamejim.com/

  38. At 03:52 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Rufus T. Firefly wrote:

    Oh dear what can the matter be,
    Three Old ladies locked in a lavatory,
    Hiding from bombs from Monday to Saturday,
    But 9 Squadron knew they were there.

    The first one's name was Elizabeth Bonner,
    She moved away for safety from Donna,
    But the bombs that were dropped still fell upon her,
    For Squadron 9 knew she was there.

    The second one's name was Mary Lou Giles,
    She thought she was safe by four of five miles,
    'Till down came the bomb which banished her smiles,
    For Suadron 9 knew she was there.

    Our third victims name was Mrs O'Conner,
    The two other ladies, they blamed it upon her,
    But Silverman knew better upstairs in his bomber, he knew those old ladies were there.

    Our story's nearly over, and I'm sorry to say,
    That 9 Squadron's aircraft are still bombing today,
    So the ladies of the Lebanon are moving away,
    For the Hizbollah's bus station "bog" is their target today.

    ....and now on Radio 4 the Shipping Forecast.


  39. At 04:13 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Guy Wade wrote:

    Two Thousand and Six?

    Would you say One Thousand Nine Hundred and Six for a date one century ago?

    Eighteen-oh-six
    Nineteen-oh-six
    Twenty-oh-six...

    Stick to your guns Charlotte.

  40. At 04:26 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Gareth aged 13 ¾ wrote:

    On a clear day, the furthest I can see from my window at work is about three metres.

    On an overcast day it’s about the same. It may not be exciting but at least it’s consistent.


    It’s quite fun this but still, if Eric’s only the fifth most powerful man in British radio, it makes me wonder why I’m bothering typing this nonsense. It’s not going to bring back “Kaleidoscope”, is it?

    And now you’re thinking “if he’s 13 ¾, how come he remembers Kaleidoscope?” Fair point, really.

  41. At 04:31 PM on 31 Aug 2006, andycratechno wrote:

    Hey Val : thanks for listening to my tunes.

    Now that I have a internet fanbase I can release a single on all the hype - it'll go straight to number one!

    I hope you'll all be supportive when I go into rehab after all the trappings of fame etc ...

  42. At 04:31 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Richard Lyle wrote:

    Wasn't there a series of Famous People in the Toilet in Viz? Am I allowed to mention Viz on Eddie's blog, by the way?

    Anyway, my favourites were Neville Chamberlane (sp?) - "I have in my hand a piece of paper," and Rolf Harris - "Can you tell what it is yet?"

  43. At 04:43 PM on 31 Aug 2006, andycratechno wrote:

    Yeah, but, no but, Two-thousand-and-six sounds better, dunno why.

  44. At 04:43 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Cathy Harrison wrote:

    Quite right, Guy (39)!

  45. At 04:54 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Valery Pedant wrote:

    Ed - 22 - yes.

    Tim C - want some of my pills from the other day, cos I don't care anymore?

    Also, I'm finding that reading so many of these posts is going a long way towards curing my OCD about bad spelling, I'm now trying to see others' mistakes as "creative", although it goes against my better instinct. I feel that it would be more than churlish, however, to take out my Mrs Angryness on those who have become Blogpals. So there. Please don't take advantage though or I may have to ask for the pills back.....

    SB 39, but it won't, because I've had a re-eally long phone call with BT in the middle of it - enough to drive one to drink (any old excuse on a Thursday)

  46. At 05:00 PM on 31 Aug 2006, ian wrote:

    I looked and couldn't find Charlotte's explanation. Perhaps you could find it for me.

    Anyway, something can be logically correct, but still wrong in general context. No-one else says "twenty oh seven", just as no-one uses the historically correct meaning of "awful".

    Anne: You've missed quote unquote being put into the 6.30 "comedy" slot, as opposed to just before farming today, where it belongs.

  47. At 05:10 PM on 31 Aug 2006, anne wrote:

    think I would say nineteen hundred and six, but I'm not sure.
    but even if I said nineteen -o-six, somehow it just doesn't flow with 20. Maybe it's something to do with it being a round thousand?

  48. At 05:18 PM on 31 Aug 2006, andycratechno wrote:

    Bring back Weekending, I say. And the Late Show.

    And Dixon of Dock Green!

    Ah.

  49. At 05:29 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Valery Pedant wrote:

    andycratechno - see other places! Glad you're famous. Don't forget who got you started!

    If you think of how we said it in the 11th century (what do you mean you weren't around then) ten-sixtysix etc, then I suppose it sb twenty-six. Guess you'd have to put in a kind of half beat between the first and second word, so that it didn't sound like twentysix. So that would be twenty-hn-six, sort of. Try it, no perhaps not.

    SB48

  50. At 05:51 PM on 31 Aug 2006, John W wrote:

    I'm sure we say Nineteen-oh-six, but agree, just don't like twenty-oh-six. Perhaps it grates because we got used to the film two-thousand-and-one, and the like.

    I'm pretty bad at giving my tel number, "Oh two oh, blah, blah, zero, blah".

    SB50

  51. At 05:54 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Valery Pedant wrote:

    Oh EM - "I'm sure we touched something we shouldn't have" - ? - that was about as technical an explanation as I could have come up with (and that's not a lot). Still, you filled in nicely, and don't be so self-deprecating about your Blog or you'll never attract the class of posters you aspire to.

  52. At 05:58 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Helen wrote:

    I believe Tony Blair just called for an open and honest debate on how to prevent anti-social behaviour?

    Social workers are not the only people who can intervene, in the lives of children, but too often they can't because their resources are limited and rationed. Circumstances have to deteriorate to a level, below what most people would consider unacceptable, before intervention can take place & this is often too late.

    If Mr Blair were to put his money where his mouth is, making a change would prevent many children entering the care system, failing educationally (as we heard earlier in the week) and keep them out of the CJS. Sure Start is a great start but abandons vulnerable families too early.

  53. At 06:01 PM on 31 Aug 2006, The Stainless Steel Cat wrote:

    Ian, I agree about the date thing. In fact, I've been complaining about it since one thousand, nine hundred and eighty seven.

    I beleive there's also some comment about it in the Domesday Book;

    "Get ane move on editorf! I want thif book publifhed by one thoufand and fixty eight or elfe! Figned, William."

  54. At 06:02 PM on 31 Aug 2006, andycratechno wrote:

    What about this for some evidence :

    2001: A Space Odyssey

    'ow would you say that then, eh? Especially when compared and contrasted with 1901, for example.

    Ha!

  55. At 06:02 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Dire Media wrote:

    My computer has instructed me to complain about every post, but I don't know who to complain to, or what to complain about. Can anyone help me?

  56. At 06:16 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Daffers wrote:

    If Eddie had had his blog up and running six years ago, you could have complained when it was a bit more relevant. I can't find any reference to the pronunciation now either. Maybe Eddie could ask her to explain all over again.....since it's now all his fault.

  57. At 06:18 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Ed Iglehart wrote:

    Darn! So tied up reading blogs I missed whether our Eddie mentioned the cluster bombs.

    Did he?
    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/5299938.stm

    Please put me out of my misery
    xx
    ed

  58. At 06:44 PM on 31 Aug 2006, hippie wrote:

    I do *need* to hear that clip...

    Satan's homosexual lover, in those dulcet tones. Get a grown-up, quick!

  59. At 09:11 PM on 31 Aug 2006, John W wrote:

    Dr Hackenbush,

    Was your Eric Blair reference ironic, or Orwellian?

    SB59

  60. At 10:20 PM on 31 Aug 2006, hippie wrote:

    Good point, Dire Media (#55). Better get complaining I suppose. Damn, I was gonna go to bed.

  61. At 11:09 PM on 31 Aug 2006, Dr Hackenbush wrote:

    SB61

    John (59; 30) - Yes it was. Er, the former - in keeping with said individual’s e-mail personae.

    Definition of Orwellian: brother of Orwellgeorge.

  62. At 12:24 AM on 01 Sep 2006, Coco wrote:

    You asked to be reminded tomorrow about getting a grown up to help you.

    Well, it's tomorrow (almost 2425) so I'm reminding you.

    Now I can go to bed.

  63. At 10:27 AM on 01 Sep 2006, Jonny wrote:

    Its encouraging to know that its not just joe public who have to put up with that sort of erruption coming from any one of 5 or 6 anonymous cubicles! Even the upper echelons of TV and Radio stardom are human after all! or maybe the perpitrator was in fact a member of the tech crew or behind the scenes researcher who whilst they do a commendable job, can never be expected to maintain a fart free persona(and other bodily functions, come to that) in the same way as familar, squeeky clean faces in the public eye.
    Do you ever get a runny nose while you are presenting PM Eddie?

  64. At 11:50 AM on 01 Sep 2006, Aperitif wrote:

    SB64

    I don't get the joke. Who's Maureen?

  65. At 12:29 PM on 01 Sep 2006, Ed Iglehart wrote:

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/news/pm/audio/satan.ram

    thanks!

    Yours Aye,
    ed

  66. At 12:51 PM on 01 Sep 2006, Stephen, Leader of STROP wrote:

    I've listened to the clip, and now I need to lie down in a darkened room!

  67. At 02:40 PM on 01 Sep 2006, Fearless Fred wrote:

    Erm, am I the only one trying to comment on the latest blog (Tea) but not being able to access it?

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