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At Holmes with My Guy

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Mark Kermode | 11:35 UK time, Monday, 4 January 2010

Lor' luvaduck, wossgoinon, have a butchers willYAAA, cos wiv Robert Downey Junior and Jude Law in his Sherlock Holmes old Guy Ritchie ain't gorn and made a movie wot I ecktually loiks innit wossername azzzEEEEE?

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  • Comment number 1.

    Good God man, if this is your attempt at comedy then i shall totally disregard all your future reviews of comedy movies!

  • Comment number 2.

    I hope whoever's wearing the mask realises that this video is going to invite a storm of "WHO IS THAT IS HE YOUR SON OR SOMETHING WHY DON'T YOU HAVE HIM IN MORE VIDEOS"-type comments. Brave soul.

    To stray off the topic, I hope you acknowledge what a good service two Youtubers by the names of TulseLuper and badhead are doing. They're posting some of your older reviews, since they've fallen off the radar in the wake of the BBC site re-design.

  • Comment number 3.

    PS: I hope, I hope, I hope.

  • Comment number 4.


  • Comment number 5.

    ... Well that was painful.

  • Comment number 6.

    Speaking of good movies Mark, I was listening to your top 10 movies of the year and was a little disappointed that certain movies weren't included. Where were The Wrestler and Martyrs? There were some great entries like Gran Torino and Let The Right One in, but, whilst it had moments of genius, I didn't care much for Antichrist. If I was to do a top 10 it would begin more like this:

    1. The Wrestler
    2. Martyrs
    3. Let The Right One In
    4. Gran Torino

    Also, I saw A Serious Man recently and I liked it quite a lot, but it's hardly better than The Wrestler. Can you explain the absence of The Wrestler and Martyrs? I know everyone has different opinions on movies but you really liked The Wrestler and did a blog about Martyrs. Many people, including myself, consider Martyrs the most disturbing movie ever made. Surely it deserves a place in your top 10? Did you consider these movies for your top 10 or did they slip your mind?

  • Comment number 7.

    Oh and what about Helen Mark? I was very surprised that didn't make your top 10 considering you spoke about it quite a lot.

  • Comment number 8.

    Benefit of the doubt, that's an ironically stilted offering. I don't see why you need an apologia for liking this Guy R. film. It's not a u-turn of any sort to suggest that Revolver was cringingly bad (its only positive quality was to set a high water mark for pretention), then to suggest that the knockabout entertaining, riding DowneyJr and Law's charismatic pairing Sherlock Holmes was jolly good fun -- these are simple facts (objectivity is pointless where Revolver is concerned -- it is a universally platonic ideal of a film so bad it makes you regret all the choices in your life up to an including the moment you sat down to watch).

    It's amazing how much better some directors are with other people's scripts than with their own (Someone should tell Woody Allen.). Ritchie at least knows to cast a great actor like Mark Strong and get out of his way.

    (I wouldn't give Mark too much stick for his presentation in this instance, comedy is hard, sitting through the rest of G Ritchie's films is harder, let's not even get started on Michael Bay....)

  • Comment number 9.

    And here I thought the TimesUnion was right up your alley:

    "Guy Ritchie is the worst screenwriter in the world, but, to be fair, he is not the worst director. He is only the worst director of the people who actually get to make movies. As we speak, there are human beings walking the Earth -- perhaps as many as a half dozen of them -- with less directorial talent, but they've been safely diverted into other activities."

    Read more:

  • Comment number 10.

    I enjoyed Sherlock Holmes, but it seems not even he can solve the mystery of Rachel McAdams. It was probably her weird accent but there's just something about her I don't seem to like when she pops up on screen.

  • Comment number 11.


    Went to see Sherlock Holmes with the family on your recommendation and it was awful.
    Maybe my expectations were higher than yours, as I haven't seen a Guy Ritchie film since Snatch,
    but if you were pleasantly surprised by Sherlock, I can only imagine how bad his last few films were.
    I'm willing to chalk this one up to an overabundance of Christmas Cheer on your part but don't let it happen again.

    On an unrelated note, does anyone know where I can get a Christmas jumper like Mark's? I'd love to have one ready for next year!


  • Comment number 12.

    It's the 4th of January and you still have your tree up.

  • Comment number 13.

    After seeing that performance, I am now convinced that more contemporary British films must have you, Mark Kermode, make at least one cameo appearance as "yourself". You are an even better actor then Nic Cage! :D

    Seriously though, you should make more cameos.

  • Comment number 14.

    Kermode on Kermode's short film, "At Holmes with My Guy": "Teaky. Positively teaky. I wanted to throw myself into the fireplace in the background. The acting was so wooden for a second I thought the guy behind the mask was Borelando Gloom. The singing had the same awful charm of Piercing Scream Brosnan trying to sing his way through Mamma Mia, and don't get me started on the Good Doctor. My God, it wasn't just as bad as walking into a glass door, it was like being thrown into a glass door factory and being made to run into every door on the production line. All I need to find out now is that it was directed by McGeeeeeeee ... if there is one film worse than this in 2010, I will quit."

    Well, that's what he really would've said if he'd watched it. Of course, I still laughed out loud, and loved it, but ... ;)

  • Comment number 15.

    Remember when you said Jennifer Aniston should stick to TV? Well, she's on the phone ranting about Hypocrates, or something.

  • Comment number 16.

    Seems like you sort of regretted for liking Sherlock Holmes, I think the same has happened to me, been used to how bad and overrated his movies have been, I thought to my self, " Hey!, you know what, I have just seen a masterpiece" but a week after the candy has washed out of my senses, It hit me like a rock and rolla, so I favorite this video of yours.

    Guy New Year, Good Doctor.

  • Comment number 17.

    Terrible performance Dr Kermode. I can see other film critics having a few words with you at the pub.

  • Comment number 18.

    I wonder whether Dr K takes a few back-handers. Firstly, he lauds the Twilight films, then doesn't include GI Joe on his films worse than Bride Wars, and now he is praising a Guy Ritchie film. Sell out.

  • Comment number 19.

    Stuart Yates - people usually take down their trees on Epiphany(Jan 6th).

    Er, that was a very awkward attempt at comedy - reminds me of sitting throught the first 30 mins of In The Loop and barely even smiling never mind laughing...

    And why do you always have a glass of what appears to be wine in your Xmas themed vids? Are you trying to forget something? ;)

    Haven't seen Sherlock Holmes, but will be going to see Where the Wild Things Are again tomorrow(shame it barely lasted a week at the Box Office Top 10).
    Hope Daybreakers is halfway decent(doubt it, but Neill is always worth a watch as he was the best thing about The Tudors Series One).

  • Comment number 20.

    The most serious problems with Revolver were the fact that it tried to be a serious and interesting crime thriller in the same vain as Heat or Casino but got sidetracked with long, tortuously boring and badly written scenes, horrible attempts at humour and a general feel that it's less about creating believable characters and more about promoting celebrities and their image.
    One of the serious problems of a good movie video blog is that there is the very same temptation to get sidetracked from serious discussion and into tortuously boring entries consisting of badly written attempts at humour and promoting the image of celebrity culture.

    DR K, you have been warned.

  • Comment number 21.

    Aah, egg nog. One is too many and apparently seventy-four isn't enough. Remember kids, don't blog drunk.

  • Comment number 22.

    I feel like I've just wandered into the David Lynch Zone: it's like watching the giant rabbit sitcom from Inland Empire.

  • Comment number 23.

    Went to see Sherlock Holmes based on your review and really liked. I did notice however that a few of the shlockier moments from the trailer (a power-sliding police carriage, for example) seemed to be missing from the final cut. Perhaps there's an editor who made it onto Mr. Ritchie's Xmas card list?

  • Comment number 24.

    HNY Dr K!!!

    Saw Sherlock Holmes and found it very entertaining - RD Jr and Jude Law work very well together. But let's not get too carried away. The only thing that came close to this being a Sherlock Holmes movie is the similarity in RD Jr and SH's drug addictions. The script was a bit light-weight, treating its audience like idiots on occasions, focusing more on the Guy Ritchie-esque action sequences as opposed to the super sluething. I would say it was more Lock Stock meets the Red Hand Gang as opposed to Sherlock Holmes.

  • Comment number 25.

    If Mesrine is Vincent Cassell's film, then surely Sherlock is Robert Downey Jr's. I never agree with the presumption that a director is, by right, the dominant authorial voice of a film (for example, is Notting Hill a Roger Michell film, or a Richard Curtis?). Blockbusters are heavily regulated machines, and it takes poor organisation, not bad directors, to sink them: case in point, The Brothers Grimm.
    I enjoyed Lock, Stock as a black comic romp, so have never been as down on Guy Richie as you - granted, I disliked his other films a great deal - but to lavish him with particular acclaim for ferrying a blockbuster into port seems generous.

    p.s. I'm aware my entire argument can be blown away by the mention of two words. I won't say what they are, but the second one is 'Bay'.

  • Comment number 26.

    This is rather unsettling to watch - there seems to be genuine anger in your voice!

  • Comment number 27.

    Thanks for reminding me about Revolver; that really was the nadir of awfulness and a greater disaster of a movie than 2012.

    After Revolver I was totally gob-smacked that Ritchie could come up with something that is really quite watchable. Of course he couldn't help putting in those Ritchie-like alternate reality slo-mo sequences and (e.g. during the boxing scene) which I don't think fitted the style of the rest of the film and were unnecessary evocations of his previous failures. On the other hand, maybe he was consciously trying to escape from gunz'n'geezers by giving the Jaws character (from Bond) a polite French dialect instead of sounding like he came from Peckham. Can't think of any other reason why he did that. Can you?

    Talking of trademarks, what was the thing Downey jr. was wearing on his head and what happened to the deerstalker and meerschaum?

    *** Spoiler ***

    Now when a character with charisma dies at the beginning of a film, you wonder 'how can that be?'. Well, of course it can't and you know it can't (unless it's Steven Seagal). On the other hand when an actor of James Fox's significant standing dies after barely being wheeled out, well you know that's for keeps.

    *** End of Spoiler ***

    The last three blogs all appear to have been filmed at the same location and you appear to be wearing the same festive garb. Can't think they were all filmed on the same day but if so, why have you dribbled them out over a longer period? It's like your blog has turned into Groundhog day.

  • Comment number 28.

    And now...

    Commence the Spooning.

  • Comment number 29.

    Long time listener, first time poster.
    I won't even discuss the clip except to say the Doctor should know his strengths lie elsewhere.
    As for SH, I wasn't that impressed. There wasn't really much Sherlockian about it. Oh, sure, it had Watson, Ritchie kept showing us the address of the flat on Baker Street, took place in London, Lestrade and Mrs. Hudson were there, but other than these and a few other references plunked into the movie (I mean the bull pup...come on! Any Holmes fan knows that when Watson says he kept a bull pup that it is Anglo-Indian slang for having a temper), really the film could be called "Bubba Morris, Victorian Pit Fighter." There really was no detective work going on.
    I figured Dr. K. would have ranted about RDJr's mumbling delivery (I honestly had a difficult time understanding what he was saying). Irene Adler was like "so what?" What is Holmes getting all hot and bothered about her for? She had no charisma. And Mrs. Watson-to-be...meh!
    I thought the actor who played Lord Blackwood would have made a more accurate Holmes just from a physical standpoint.
    I'm sure I'm exposing my jugular, but what the hey. Happy New Year!

  • Comment number 30.

    Not sure how to take this. Either Mark is being *really* sarcastic & he doesn't actually like the film. Or Ritchie has sent the boys round & scared Mark into praising the film. Or he actually likes it. I can't tell.

    Oh & I went to the cinema for the first time for about 3 years last week, picked this film at random & quite enjoyed it.

  • Comment number 31.

    I don't know why you think you can criticise Revolver after subjecting us to that painfully unfunny skit, Mark.

    Get off our screen you bequiffed bag of opinions.

  • Comment number 32.

    And the most embarrassing dad of the year has an early nomination with Mr. Mark Kermode

  • Comment number 33.

    Dear Dr. K,

    I think you are going way over top with this one!

    Let us not forget that Mr Ritchie hasn't yet made up for 'Swept Away' and 'Revolver' - one okay movie does not mean that this Guy is getting better. He is still comparatively one of the more average directors working today.

    Christopher Nolan is perhaps our only great hope in mainstream cinema and yet he hardly gets a mention!!!

    Oh yeah and I want to remind you to discuss Mr. Sam Worthington this year - sooner rather than later!

  • Comment number 34.

    This is an irrelevant comment, but I saw this and thought that, since you like horror movies, you may find this particularly scary:

  • Comment number 35.

    "dad you're drunk"
    "no i'm not i've only had a few ales"

    if there are 10 kermode uncut vlogs worse then this this year then i will.........probably keep on watching. (they're usually pretty damn good)


  • Comment number 36.

    I'm actually feeling sorry for Guy in the vid.

  • Comment number 37.

    Am I the only one who thinks maybe the whole stilted-comedy thing was intentional? He's normally plenty funny without even trying.

    -I don't know why you think you can criticise Revolver after subjecting us to that painfully unfunny skit, Mark.

    Get off our screen you bequiffed bag of opinions.-

    While we're at it, that's the most famous quiff in film criticism you're dissing! It puts Jedward to shame, and deserves more respect.

  • Comment number 38.

    Good lord, some people really are taking this far too seriously.

    Incidentally, where exactly does one find life-size cut-outs of Guy Ritchie's face?

  • Comment number 39.


    Film Review 2009

    Would just like to 'Thank You' for spoiling the last Harry Potter film by telling us who dies.
    Some of us like to see the film before reading the book.
    Merry Christmas and Thanks a bunch................

  • Comment number 40.

    Okay mark, that's not funny, that's incredibally creepy. However maybe guy should stick to directing films he hasn't written, I enjoyed Sherlock Holmes very much and it's nice to see Robert Downey Jr with his life back on track and making decent movies again.
    Mark I would like to give you a heads up for a film called My Suicide which received much praise and has won awards at several international film festivals the main one being Berlin. The subject matter of the film is personal to me for reasons which are pretty clear from the film title as I failed in a suicide attempt and it really does interest me and I have high hopes for when I see it.
    Although you may have already been aware of this film for a long, and if so GIVE US, THE WORLD, YOUR VERDICT!

    Much Love and Respect of Opinion, Body and Wit,
    Julian Morton.

  • Comment number 41.

    This would have been so much better if Megan Fox had been draped over the Christmas tree.

  • Comment number 42.

    Just read about Jonathan Ross leaving the BBC.

    The above is a slightly dodgy video but I'm still joining the "Kermode For Film 2010" lobby. Anyone else?

    Mr. Kermode - is this realistic? Are you interested? I think it would be fantastic.

  • Comment number 43.

    Yes, definitely brunswick30! All for Mark Kermode taking over Ross' film program.

  • Comment number 44.

    "Kermode For Film 2010"

    I second that.

  • Comment number 45.

  • Comment number 46.

    No one can beat Barry Norman but it would be a massive step up from Jonathan Ross.

    How about James King?

  • Comment number 47.

    I think this is the exact way how you need to speak to Guy, like he is mentally challanged.

  • Comment number 48.

    Well I thought it was funny, and that cardigan should be nominated for an Oscar.

  • Comment number 49.

    This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the house rules. Explain.


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