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"What REALLY goes on inside Liz Jones's brain"
The lack of question mark on that Daily Mail headline might indicate that this is a rhetorical question and there is no need to try and answer.
But that's never stopped confessional columnist extraordinaire Liz Jones before, and why would she break the habit of a lifetime?
For today's typically soul-baring piece, she tries neurofeedback, a therapy pioneered by Nasa in the 1960s that claims to manipulate brainwaves to alter mindsets. She gets the nub of her problems by the second paragraph:
My main 'issue' is that even when I should be happy - such as when I first lived in my London Georgian townhouse, had a husband and things were going swimmingly - I seem incapable of feeling that emotion. I never feel good about myself and am paralysed by fear.
So she's hooked up to a brainwave-reading machine via a swimming cap-like hat bristling with electrodes. (Jones is not pictured in said hat - although there are several photos in the Mail Online version - and instead is snapped in Middleton-esque amounts of eyeliner, accessorised with a trio of electrodes attached to her forehead.)
Her brain scan, the therapist says, indicates depression and not just fear but post-traumatic stress disorder.
"Hmm," she says. "I can also tell you cling on to bad memories. You don't let go." Most tellingly, Catherine can see the area of the brain that is linked to self- esteem has a score of minus two, meaning I have a low opinion of myself.
She also has a tendency towards obsessive compulsive disorder, which may not come as a surprise to many of her readers, who have been regaled with tales of sheet thread count and of her ex-husband's slovenliness.
While Jones is more than happy to be given brain exercises to tone up her emotional "bingo wings", as she calls them, this is one part of her brain she likes just the way it is.
"Please don't make me untidy," I plead.