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If Paper Monitor was ever to consider a job move into the public relations industry (heavens forbid), its advice to attention-seeking clients would probably be this: Consider changing your name to Kate.
Kate can be classy, she can be brassy, but even as the world goes to Hades in a handcart, it seems there will always be a space on the front page for a Kate.
Today's Daily Express wins the award for Most Gratuitous Picture of a Kate.
She may now be formally styled Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, but the former Ms Middleton will always be Kate in the headline-writer's heart:
"NOW KATE IS VOTED OUR MOST NATURAL BEAUTY" reads the headline, alongside a quarter-page picture of her, fresh complexion and all. The words "see page eight" run underneath the headline and no doubt a couple of readers will do just that.
One name they will not find among the runners-up to the natural beauty contest is Katie Price - not that Paper Monitor thinks she'll mind. The model formerly known as Jordan has always been, in the words of the song, her own special creation.
"WHY I DUMPED CRAZY KATIE" is the Sun's headline. "Katie Price's ex Leandro Penna has torn into her over their love split."
The "Argie hunk" goes on to punch a hole through a carefully-worded statement prepared by Ms Price a few days earlier that suggested the split was amicable:
"There was nothing else I could do. She was driving me insane."
And although the ever-quotable darling of the tabloids doesn't contribute a response to her ex's cri de coeur, the full-page picture of her at this week's premiere of the new Bond film suggests she's coping admirably.
But then, you can't keep a good Kate down.