A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Poor Paper Monitor has had lovelorn summers in the past. Fortunately today's papers offer numerous nuggets of advice and implicit warnings for both sexes striving to follow the path to successful coupledom.
The Sun columnist Ulrika Jonsson is first up, with counselling for Hollywood A-lister George Clooney. Paper Monitor understands George
specifically sought out her advice amid reports that he is breaking up with yet another stunning beauty did not seek out her advice amid reports that he is breaking up with yet another stunning beauty.
The thrice-married love guru urged him to find a "real" person, explaining that:
"These women are part superhuman, part one-dimensional - they offer him no taste of real life. So, if it now really is over between Clooney and the wrestler, might I make a proposal. Not of marriage you understand, but one of a relationship with a woman who has lived a little, one well versed in the doldrums of weekday life, a mature woman - perhaps who is a single parent."
Paper Monitor has duly noted the subtle single-mum of four's advice. "Real" people. Hmmmm.
There is nevertheless the danger of being too "real" perhaps. The Daily Star reports that Celebrity Big Brother winner Denise Welch is a self-confessed "hubby beater".
Of her ex-husband, Welch admitted to having "whacked him over the head with a lampshade" and caused an accident in which he nearly severed his arm.
Paper Monitor reverts to Britain's golden couple for some timely optimism. William and Kate's "we-are-the-perfect-couple" express shows no sign of slowing down with news that William wants two kids.
Paper Monitor assumes Kate was asked first. The key to the golden relationship between Kate and the press, however, seems to be fashion sense. Fortunately Nicole Mowbray of the Mail deems that "frizz aside, Kate deserves a gold medal".
Who doesn't these days?